Relationship Advice for Men: She Loves Me, or She Loves Me Not?

There’s literally nothing worse than pining for someone. And yes, we’ve all been there. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here! It’s a desolate, lonely feeling. And believe it or not, men feel it too! We have a letter from a reader who is going through just that, with a woman he met on, of all days, Valentine’s Day.  They met, had a push and pull period, and then bounced back to a moment where they fell in love, and *almost* lived happily ever after. Now, David needs relationship advice for men, and is wondering whether or not she even loved him at all! Our heart goes to you, David.  We’ve all been there.

Let’s have a look at David’s story.

Three years ago on February 14th I met a lovely woman at a client meeting for my work.  I am an architect and she is a mechanical engineer.  We exchanged information and discussed the project at hand over a few emails and then upon completion of the project didn’t speak for 18 months…So three years had gone by, her number lived in my phone and was never called or texted.  I went to an event and gave a presentation.  After I did spot her and walked over to say hello…..So this 46 year old architect found everything he always wanted in this 42 year old Mechanical Engineer.  It was the very best of everything.  Neither of us had loved nor found love like we shared together. It was truly amazing for us both and we planned a long future together.  We agreed to go slow, she would keep her place until the lease was up or until she was ready to move in….  She would finalize her divorce and we would grow and love together.  This went on for 4 months into August.

At that point she came to me and said she was having a tuff time.  As she explains it, she was having conflicting feelings of wanting and loving me and also wanting to be alone like she was when I met up with her in April.  She admitted she didn’t know why she felt this way but it nagged at her.  As much as she loved all of us she felt compelled to be alone more and more, this lead to her doubting if she truly loved me.  She began to doubt everything and as it unraveled she decided to end it.  At the same time she told me I was everything in the world for her.  Everything she ever wanted, the very best lover she had ever had.  She loved everything about US….  In the end she simply said, “I’m not ready…..I need to be alone. …She says she did fall in love with me but doesn’t love me and doesn’t ever think she will.  She says she doesn’t want anyone else and that I’m the very best man she has ever met.  If she can’t have me then could she have someone else?   She truly took my heart with her and nothing seems to make a difference.  I do want her back.  I do love her more than anything ever in this life.  I’ve tried to date but its completely pointless…. I honestly don’t know what to do.  David.

First let’s address the confusion, on her part.

This has been a relationship that is three years in the making. Even though you haven’t talked to each other every day for three years, you still have a three year history.  At one point during this three years, she told you that you were everything to her, that your relationship was everything to her, and that you were everything she ever wanted. Then she went cold shoulder.

If you want my opinion, she went more like “cold feet” than anything. This is a woman that sounds confused, and doesn’t truly believe she is ready for a relationship.  Clearly, you ARE everything that she wants. And that scares her!

Remember, David, this is a woman that has already been through a divorce. The closer you get to a deep commitment that is heading towards marriage, the more scared she is going to be. This is why I always caution women AND men to take it slow before marriage. Marriage is a legally binding situation, and MUCH more difficult to get out of, than it is to get into. Frankly, if you want my opinion, and I’m guessing since you wrote that you do, marriage should be harder to get INTO, and easier to get out of. For just the reasons you mention.

Divorce baggage is a serious thing, that has impacted over half the population already. MOST rational human beings have trepidations when it comes to deciding whether or not to take that step. And none of those trepidations are irrational, or have anything to do with how they feel about any ONE person. She could love you to the Moon and back, and still have reservations and fears about plunging into the legalities and contracts and commitments and responsibilities of marriage again.

And it sounds like she does love you to the Moon and back. But she’s been stung once, and doesn’t want to go there again. My guess is that her confusion has everything to do with divorce baggage, and nothing to do with you personally. She has as much told you so, by telling you she needs some space and some alone time.

Second, let’s answer your question about “someone else.”

If she’s being honest in the words she has told you, then no. She can’t have someone else.  And it doesn’t really sound like or look like she even wants someone else. I think she genuinely wants to be a lone, for a little bit.  I don’t know if she’s being dishonest with you. I do think she is very confused, or just needs to take a step back from her fears, and experience what having space looks like.

The first clue that it sounds like real love to me is your statement that you’ve tried to date again, and found it pointless. That’s a good sign. And my guess is that she feels the same.  Have a look at my article about the “On Again, Off Again” relationships. I want you to pay special importance to the section on how both people feel during the break up times. She is very likely going through the same things you are.

But she still needs space. I am not sure how much time has passed since you gave her that space, but if it’s been more than 30 days without contact, I would touch base with her again. Just a brief note, like you did when you contacted her on LinkedIn. Something casual and breezy that sends her the message that hey, she’s still on your mind!

Otherwise, there is not much relationship advice for men I could offer to those dealing with someone that just needs space. Give it to her. When she sees you respecting her and giving her what she wants, she feels safer with you, and this will intuitively draw her closer to you. Sounds like you have this one checked off already. So it may be time to touch base with her again. Let us know how it goes! Does she love you or does she love you not? I think she does. But you can’t blame her for being a little fear-based after she’s already been in divorce court. So be the safe space for her, and come back to tell us how that went. Readers, what do you think?

Dating Advice For The Soul Mate That Has Had Enough

Ever been in one of those relationships where it just felt like you were bouncing back and forth with each other, and your feelings? Of course you have. One of the reasons so many couples have a yo-yo relationship, for years, is the soul mate factor. I am no expert on soul mates but one thing I do know about love and relationships is that if you are having the same yo-yo effect in your relationship for years, there’s a high love potential there. This could even be soulmate level. Most relationships do not go on and on like this for years, unless there is SOMEthing keeping that string going on the yo-yo. We get questions from readers about this yo-yo experience all the time. The biggest relationship advice question they have is, “We broke up and what do I do now??”

Today we are going to look at just such a scenario. We have a couple who by all counts, over the course of three years, have told each other they are each other’s soul mate. They’ve broken up multiple times, and each time they find themselves kissing each other eventually. Our reader, Amy, has noted her problems in the relationships, and has owned her part.

That’s a standing ovation from me for that! Some people go their entire lives never figuring this out, that they need to own their part. So Amy has been doing her work on her since the last breakup. Now she wants to know what to do. Let’s have a look at this story.

Its been almost 2 weeks since my ex bf split with me. We were a bit hungover on a Sunday afternoon and I started to nag and annoy him which made him flip out dramatically and him scream “I can’t do this anymore” and leave the house. I fb messaged him the next day to say he was a coward to leave me like that no real explanation and he just confirmed again saying, I just can’t do it with you anymore. I told him he was nothing to me and since then I haven’t spoken to him since.  I’m trying to give him space and using the no contact rule. But I feel like I haven’t a clue what is happening, especially in his head.  A bit about us – We have been together for almost 3 years now, we are best friends we do everything together, and that’s because we both want to…He loves the bones off me, he’s the sweetest guy does anything and everything for me emotionally and physically. He is my soul mate the only person who gets me and I get him and he says this to me 24/7. However, the last half year or so I’ve been insecure about my weight, that I have gained, I’ve had no job, he has been paying for everything helping me. I suppose I’ve got a bit lazy with myself and everything and then of course the nagging.

Last 6 months or so he has broken up with me a few times over WhatsApp/text saying we need to go our separate ways he cant do it blablabla, finding an excuse, leaving me in tears and upset. Straight away I have told him not to and said sorry things will change blablabla. Of course, he comes over and sees me and him being the beautiful soul he is hugs me and stays and we carry on the relationship just like that. But nothing changes, I don’t change. But now I am. I am working on myself, eating healthily, exercising, I’ve lost several pounds already. I’m not drinking. I really can see now what I have done wrong and how I let the fun get sucked out of the relationship because when we are happy my god, we are happy!

What do I do? I want to fix this so bad! Apart from my nagging and moaning, everything was perfect! I am on my tenth day of contact but I think I need to apologise and let him know how I feel. He could just be thinking I am angry and don’t wanna speak to him? What do I do?

 Let’s address the first question: What is he thinking?

 The answer to that is, if he’s not telling you, it’s none of your business. The other answer to that is, you don’t need to know what he is thinking to fix this.  How your relationship functions is not a function of ONLY what he is thinking. You’ve taken some steps already, Amy, that show that you know this. You know you own your part in the split. I can’t congratulate you enough for that.

Never change your weight for a guy, period. But if you know that some nagging issues have led to this demise or breakup, then you know how to fix at least your role in this breakup. If you want to get your boyfriend back, the next step is the No Contact Rule.  You say, “I am trying to follow the No Contact Rule but it’s hard because I don’t know what’s in his head.”

Again, you don’t need to for the No Contact Rule to be successful. You will learn what he is thinking by activating the No Contact Zone immediately. But you have to stay true to it. You can’t just say you aren’t going to contact him, and then give up on your Self because he texted you. The No Contact Period is for YOU to clear your head and get your stuff together. You’ve already started this. But you can’t clear your head when you are answering his messages.

He’s already told you that you are his soul mate.  Those are some serious words! You have the advantage of having true love and experience on your side.  So you can’t make him miss you by being in his face all the time. And that’s what you really want at this stage of the game.

Let’s look at your second question: What do I do now??

 You’ve answered your own question. You know you need the No Contact Period, but you just have to get committed to it.  I talk a lot about How to Stay True to the No Contact Rule. Refresh your memory on that, and make the choice to be committed to it. You want to get your boyfriend back, right? So be as committed to the process, no matter how hard it is, as you are to him.  It is for the benefit of your relationship if he sees what it’s like to go 30 days without hearing back from you.

My guess is that it’s going to be very difficult for him to do this. And through that, you will make him miss you.

Once that 30 days is up, touch base with him about something super minor and breezy. Or just say hi. Make sure you let him know that you’ve been doing a lot of work on you in your quiet time. He will really admire you for that! After he responds, I am confident you can take it from there. Let us know how this goes, we are all rooting for you! Readers, what do you think Amy should do? Have you had a similar soul mate experience?

 

 

Dating Advice: What To Do AFTER the No Contact Period Makes Him Miss You

One of the hardest things about relationships is missing someone.  And, as you know, one of the most common pieces of dating advice or relationship advice that I have is, activate a No Contact Rule.  Why? Because it works. If there is only one tool that can make him miss you, it’s making him miss you. And the only way you can do that is through No Contact. That means zero. Zilch. None. Period. No matter how much he texts you or Facebook messages you or calls and leaves the pleading voicemails.

If he’s doing that, you have proof that you are winning in the “make him miss you” stage.  If he’s not contacting you, but you do have a history, he’s still thinking about you. That’s why the No Contact component of the Make Him Miss You mission is SO successful.  When you aren’t easy to get to, he wonders.  It’s human nature!

But that 30 day period of No Contact is really hard. I get it. While you are making him miss you, you are missing him. Dreadfully.  But what next? We have a reader who is doing very well with the No Contact rule, and just needs to know what to do when that is complete. We get this question all the time. So today I want you to see what happens when the No Contact Rule actually works. We have one reader who is about halfway through the process of the No Contact and the “Make Him Miss You” stage. The only relationship advice she needs at this point is, what next. So let’s have a look and see if we can help her out.

 I was dating a guy for a couple months. But the couple months were fast and intense. We went away for a weekend together by our fourth date. We had so much fun together, even the bartenders would come over and say they just enjoyed watching us together and listening to our conversations. It seemed like we had a real connection.  but things were early, we were both open about the fact that we were not exclusive (we were both dating another person). But it seemed like we were spending more time together and he told me he had a better connection with me. He took me to concerts, out on the town, and offered to take me to a patriots game. 3 days before the game, he texted me and told me he was so sorry but his dad was coming into town unexpectedly (from GA to MA) and he was going to have to take him instead. I was pissed but didn’t lash out. Just told him no, he couldn’t make it up to me. Good luck and have a nice life basically. I was pissed because as a nurse that works every other weekend, had to make a bunch of switches to go to the game and he knew that. I also assumed he would try to win me back instead of accepting the boot.

Then on Facebook (relationship killer, i know)  I saw that his dad tagged both the guy and another girl in thanking them for a great weekend. When I asked who the girl was, he explained it was the other girl he was seeing and no, he did not take her to the game in my place, he had taken her to the Red Sox and she met his dad with him for a few drinks. I unleashed. Totally went nuts and it went back and forth between, he didn’t want to see me, yes he did, I didn’t want to see him, yes I did. The convo ended with him buying tickets to a concert for us. Being embarrassed about how crazy I went, I ended up cancelling on the concert. I assume he took the other girl instead.

2 days of no contact, i sent him an apology text about how crazy I went and how sorry I am, and that I was just so stressed from court (with my ex) and I would hope he’d be up for getting a beer with me later in the week. I also said, I hope to hear back from you, but if not, good luck with everything and that I genuinely meant that. I didn’t hear back from him. That was now 6 days ago.

I deleted him from my Facebook and unfollowed him on Instagram because I didn’t want anything else popping up on my newsfeed. He still follows me on Instagram and snapchat so I’ve tried to keep my posts to a minimum.   I will continue the no contact rule, because 1- it’s the only way I’m going to make him miss me and 2- he may not want to hear from me anyway. but I feel like I need someone to tell me exactly how it is. Do I text him in a month to say hi? Or do I just leave it and lose one of the greatest connections I felt I’ve ever had?  Sincerely, Kristine

 Let’s all stop and give Kristine a big round of applause for making it this far in the No Contact Period. We know he still has feelings or he wouldn’t still be following you on social media. So there’s something here to work with. The next few weeks are the hardest, because you want to text him or call so badly, but are still in that zone.

What you’ve done right so far….

Don’t succumb to folding the No Contact Zone.  Kristine is being smart here about what she is posting on social media, so she doesn’t send any wrong or mixed messages to someone that she cares about very deeply.  She has owned her part in the relationship, and the relationship demise. She has apologized, and tried to move past it.

When it comes to fixing past mistakes, that’s all you can do. What he does with it from this point forward is on him, not you. So you’ve done everything, and by that I mean everything, right so far. You’ve been very clear in your intentions, as has he, and you two clearly know how to communicate to each other. It’s okay to get upset with him sometimes. That’s called being human. But you’ve both demonstrated your ability to be clear and real with each other. That’s a huge relationship accomplishment in itself! Thank you for serving as a good example to all women seeking dating or relationship advice in similar situations.

So that’s what you’ve done right. I am not going to take a leap and say you have done anything wrong, either. You have done everything right. So let’s have a look at your next question.

What do I do after the No Contact Zone?

The one thing to do after the No Contact period is up is to touch base. Once you are past the 30 day mark, you are out of the zone. You can feel free to contact him. Follow your heart here. I can give you a sample text to use, but I think you’ve got this one covered. Invite him for a drink if you are feeling bold and that is what your heart is telling you to do. Or just send a text that just says, “Hey, remember me? Been thinking about you and wondering how you’ve been.”

If you are feeling even more bold than that, bring up the commitment issue. What have you got to lose? Well, if he doesn’t want the same thing, you might lose him. For now. But after a month of you making him miss you, things may be different for him now. And if he doesn’t want the same thing, now you know you don’t need to waste more time on him. Thank him for the learning experience of an awesome connection, and move on to find the guy that will give you an even better one, a committed one.

But I have a hunch that this guy may surprise you. Check out our instructions on How to Get Your Ex Back AFTER the No Contact Period. See? Your question is more common and relatable than you think. Let us know what you decide to do, and how it goes for you! Readers, do you have anything to add to this relationship advice?

 

Relationship Advice For Combat PTSD, Divorce, Custody, and More, Oh My…

How do you make a relationship work with someone who has a LOT going on? Well if we could sell this in a bottle we would all be millionaires, is the cynical answer. But the truth is, the answer is easier than you think. Remember that relationships boil down to the keyword “relate.” When you master this concept in a relationship that has a LOT going on, you win in love. You BOTH do. We have a reader seeking relationship advice for someone that she is currently living with. She’s not looking for ways to make him miss her.  So the No Contact Rule is out of the question here. But she needs our help and support. Here’s Cassandra’s story.

My story is kinda like faiths. My ex boyfriend has combat PTSD. We have broke up once before. I moved to Florida to try and start a life with him twice now. I left everything in Alaska. This time we broke up because @ first it was he needed to focus on himself and getting his girls back. This was just after he refilled his claims with the VA and had to relive all the horrors again. He has been put on a generic for Zoloft.  His little girl’s mother is the reason we broke up the first time. She wanted him back and he felt that was the only way to guarantee he would be in his little girls life. It didn’t work and he wanted to give us a try again. It lasted 2 months and I know I had help in it. I kept asking him to label us a couple. Well that push the 3rd time lead to our breakup. I have since been thru his oldest daughter kimmy running away twice. His doctor appointments pretty much thru the thick and thin with him. His family has told me once he pushes a girl away they leave and he’s been thru being cheated on, and a domestic violence charge that an ex out on him that got dropped due to no evidence. I know heart wise he’s been hurt badly. We still cuddle at night and still live together. He’s kissed me 3 times recently. He doesn’t always text me, but when I text him hope ur having a good day @ class. He usually replied back. For some odd reason he invited me and his mom not once but twice the first time was to go visit his daughter in Colorado and the second was to move there with him. I was taken back and being I am kinda really guarded due to child abuse for one and trying to keep my heart from getting terribly hurt, I didn’t know how to reply or take it. He is a great guy he makes me laugh and helps me not to be so serious. The thing that worries me is like faiths story. Except he’s online on dating sites and transgender dating sites.  Looking and actually texting these people.  I want him back just like she did hers. Can you give me some pointers. His sister inlaw said to hang in there he’s never had a girl stick it out with him. Cassandra

Before we get to the relationship advice component of my response, let’s sum up what is going on in this relationship.  We can look at this from a pros and cons perspective, with the pros indicating the things you have going for you both, and the cons indicating your challenges.

PROS: What is going right in this relationship?

My answer to this one is, everything. Everything is going right…within the relationship. And that is the kicker. Unfortunately, this relationship has a lot of external variables, life stuff, that can make or break relationships. Clearly this relationship is on the brink of the make or break it point. So let’s make a list of all that is going well.

You both have history. And I’m not just talking about years and time. You’ve been through a LOT together. Most people don’t give up on someone that goes through something intense with them, something that could be life changing. And my bet is your man won’t either. He obviously needs you, and he knows he needs you.

So you have history, and you have many experiences that have bonded you to him, that nobody else has. Going through PTSD with a man is a life changing experience. For both of you. You may want to review our previous stories on that, When Your Man Has PTSD, or, my response to a reader when there’s a Mental Health Diagnosis in play. The number one thing that anyone suffering from a mental health diagnosis is a support team. You are already part of that team whether he has acknowledged you or not. Never giving up on them is your task number one. You’ve done a great job with that!

The other thing going well here is this unique family perspective. You’ve obviously bonded with him enough to develop family bonds.  His own family has even given you relationship advice! Listen to them. They know him better than anyone.

I understand you have been through a life that has destroyed your ability to trust in some ways. But you have made it this far, baby! I’m so sorry that you have experienced pain that has crushed your childhood heart. But you, and this man, have made it together in one piece. Keep on keeping on with him, and he will remember you and love you for years to come.

CONS: What is going wrong in this relationship?

What is going wrong with this relationship are events beyond your control. So you can’t try and fix them. He’s got medical concerns, insurance concerns, ex concerns, a LOT of ex concerns, children, custody matters, and you’ve hinted at some transgender issues.  You can’t control or change any of those matters. And you don’t want to, unless you want him to turf you for good. No man wants to be changed. EVERY man just wants to be accepted, and to realize and know that they are enough for their person.

Don’t we all?

What can you do about it?

So that’s really the only thing you can do right now. Just keep being there for him, learning more about his issues, and supporting him unconditionally no matter what.  His sister-in-law has given you some great relationship advice.  I’m intrigued by this, and this gives me hope for you.  He has learned the hard way, that women do not love him and accept him unconditionally.  If you are different than the rest, he will fall head over heels into the commitment zone with you, even deeper than he already has.  When you do that, I truly believe you will find some amazing miracles.

The other thing you want to do is to let go of fears in talking to him. If you feel comfortable, ask him about the transgender thing and the online texts in a kind and loving way. “I just want to know what’s up with that. Can you help me to understand and support you in that?” That may well open him up and encourage him to enlighten you on this part of his life. You DO deserve answers here, so don’t be afraid to ask. Just remember to accept him as he is no matter what. And then the two of you can decide what happens with your relationship from here.  We wish you all the best. And please do let us know if this relationship advice works! What do you think, readers? What would you do?

 

The Top 3 Dating Mistakes That You Are Making

What? Me? Making dating mistakes? What about HIM? He’s a hot mess!

Sound familiar? A little all too familiar. And I hear you, been there too.

But here’s the truth about dating.

There are two sides to every pancake ladies, and so if your relationship is less than ideal, that isn’t going to change until you take a look at your role in it. Until you know that you are doing absolutely everything in your power to make it the best dating life ever, then you play a role in the problems as well.

Now, that being said, doing everything in your power to work on your relationship…within reason, is the important takeaway from that first thought, but I will get to that. Today our dating advice is going to revolve around what you can do to change your relationship, or change your dating experience. We spend so much time wondering what HE’S doing, what HE could do better, what HE could change to make us happier, we spend far less time wondering what WE could do.

When was the last time that you asked yourself, “How can I make my dating life better?”

When you acknowledge that you have the control in your dating life, then your relationships automatically change for the better. But there is a very big difference between controlling your life, and controlling your men to the point that the words “stalker” and “restraining order” start surfacing into conversation. But sometimes women have a problem with that. I repeat, there is a very big difference between being in control of your LIFE, and being in control of your man.

On that note, let’s get right to it. Here are the top three dating mistakes that you are making right now, that you can also stop…right now. Let’s get to it.

1. Expecting too much. Now, this is a mistake that we all have made at one point in our dating world. But this mistake manifests itself in a number of different ways. From, visualizing yourself walking down the aisle with him when you are on your first date together, to, over reacting when he went out with the guys because he didn’t text you his whereabouts every 20 minutes. These are just examples. Here’s another one. “Dear Michelle, my boyfriend has been out of work for almost 2 years now and I know he is going to propose. How do I tell him I don’t want anything less than a 10 thousand dollar ring?”

Before I answer that question, let me preface my response by saying this is not an actual reader’s question, but I have heard this question from someone in my own life seeking my relationship advice very recently. My answer was, “You don’t. Unless you want him to break up with you.”

This is just one more example of expecting too much. When did we become such an entitled society that we leave all of the work up to the poor men of the world? They don’t owe us anything ladies. All they need to do is keep their promises. I repeat, all they owe us is kept promises. And, if they haven’t made those promises, even the act of expecting them to make them at some point in our dating life is asking too much of them.

Here’s the thing. If he wants to propose, or call when he says he will, or date you when he says he will, or take things to the next level, he will. But he won’t if he suspects that you expect this. Relationships only work when they work organically, and expecting too much too soon is going to leave you disappointed. Not only that, but you won’t even be able to blame him, because these expectations are all made by…..you.

Now, if he doesn’t call when he says he will, or doesn’t keep those promises, that’s a dating mistake that he is making. But this does not mean that you have the right to go postal on him. Which brings us to mistake number two.

2. Needing him too much. Let’s pretend for the sake of this argument that you have never heard, in a movie or otherwise, the phrase, “You complete me.” You know, and I may have even mentioned this here before, but I gotta say it again. I really hate that phrase when it comes to love because it has lead to so many problems for so many women and for so many reasons. How can you expect someone to fall in love with ALL of you when you are hoping they become a part of ALL of you. The point with this one is that it falls right into that category of placing too many expectations on him. Now you expect him to complete you? Really? No wonder he’s running! Who wants that pressure?

Come to him with ALL of you already in place. Or at least, as much as you can possibly muster. Needing him to sweep in and complete parts of you, that’s just not going to work and going to leave you very frustrated when he can’t fill those hefty shoes.

“Oh, that’s not me. Skip to number 3 please, that doesn’t apply at all!”

Really? Have you texted him or emailed him in the last 24 hour period, JUST so that you could hear back from him? JUST so that you could get some small reassurance that he still is thinking of you, caring for you, and you are still on his mind? And by that I mean, you had NO other reason to touch base, other than to receive your own small instant piece of gratification.

If you said yes to that, even silently in your head hoping nobody else heard, then you need him too much. Needing to hear from him just to know that he still likes you could be the biggest mistake you are making in dating right now. Because this mistake, when left unchecked, will fester and grow until it becomes something ugly. This is when you wind up leaving 20 voicemails on the same day getting more frantic each time because you haven’t heard from him.

Look at behavior like that and realize…those calls aren’t about him. They are about you, and your needs.

Hey listen, I am not trying to be the bad guy or get anybody to flush their phones and their texting, but these mistakes can not be corrected until you correct them. And needing him too much is a mistake.

Needing him period, that isn’t a mistake. You are allowed to need him. You can’t have a successful relationship if at some point you two do not realize that you both need each other. And so, together you both complete each other’s circles, and this way the need goes both ways. But, needing him to the point of excessive behavior is your second biggest mistake in your dating life. Nobody needs ANYBODY that badly. And the people that do, need help more than they need that text returned.

I’m not saying anyone is crazy. I too have made this mistake. We ALL have made this mistake. I get letters ALL the time about this mistake over, and over, and over again. Sometimes from the same women making the same mistake over, and over, and over again. Nobody is crazy here. We just need a little help knowing what we’re doing wrong, so that we can correct it.

So, as I say over, and over, and over again….ease off on the texting. The calling. The emailing. When you do that, watch him draw closer to you. It’s like magic. Just try it!

3. Not trusting enough. We need him too much, we expect too much of him, but when it comes to the one thing we SHOULD be doing in excess, we aren’t. And this kills love. Fast. Learning how to trust, and just giving in and letting go, is the best relationship advice you will ever get. That’s because it is also the toughest.

This is the one thing that we need to give MOST in our love lives, but it is also the one thing that we tend to give the LEAST. Why?

Because we’ve been schooled in love by the bad guys of the world. We’ve become bitter, cynical, sarcastic daters that almost believe there is no such thing as good guys anymore. Even if you have dated 20 bad apples last month alone, that doesn’t mean the next one that comes along will be too.

And maybe it will be. But you still need to give every guy you date the same fighting chance the last guy had. Even if you got burned. Why would you sell anyone short that didn’t deserve to be underestimated? What if he is The One? You will never find out if you are expecting him to fail and withholding trust because he doesn’t deserve it. Why judge every new guy you meet by the last guy you dated? How do you expect to become happy, ever, if you keep up this cycle?

Oh I know, between catfishers, players, gamers, cheaters, and all of the all around jerks of the world, it can be very tough to think that true love is even possible. But it is. Just remember, without true and authentic and unadulterated trust, it isn’t true love. If you can’t trust, you can’t love, it’s that simple.

Listen, I know it’s a gamble. Every time you have that new first date, you are throwing out the dice. I get that. I also get that you are tired and frustrated and convinced by the lack of good guy evidence in the world. But that doesn’t mean that the guy you are with now doesn’t deserve a fresh shot at it.

Have you found yourself questioning him for absolutely no reason? By “no reason” I mean, lack of evidence. I’m going to offer another example to illustrate this.

You have absolutely no evidence to suggest for example that he didn’t text you back all day yesterday because he was out with another woman, but that’s the first thing that pops into your head. In fact, it’s the only reasonable solution you can come up with because, well, you haven’t heard from him so he’s not offering you an alternative. And so, this thought bounces back and forth in your head and with every minute that passes without hearing from him this thought grows, and grows, and grows, and grows.

Until you do hear from him, just a simple text, “Hey, sorry, work got nuts yesterday.” And your response is, “Oh really? REALLY? Did you work like 23 hours or something yesterday? How long does it take to send a little text? It’s called common courtesy you know!”

All the while you are secretly relieved you did hear from him, even if it was just a hey. What you don’t know is that he’s picking up his phone, furrowing his brows and shaking your head at your text message, deleting it, and then complaining to the guys about how nuts you are because you flipped over one text message he didn’t have time to respond to.

How do you know he wasn’t trying to land a new client yesterday so that he COULD buy you that ten thousand dollar ring? You don’t. Anymore than you know that he was with another woman. And this is what I’m talking about when I say “evidence”. The only evidence you have with this example is that he was working, and couldn’t text you.

See how this example ties together….all of the above. And so I say to you, trust is the answer to all of these things, to correcting all of these mistakes. When you trust him, your expectations on him are realistic. When you trust him, you don’t “need” to hear from him every 30 seconds because you love him enough to give him the space to take care of the things he needs to take care of when he’s not with you. And when you trust him, he feels that, and if he is meant to be yours, he gives it back.

It is hard, and it is a gamble, and it may well be the hardest thing you do in life and love. But without it, love can not make the world go around my friends. Take down those walls, let go of the sarcasm and cynicism, stop judging him based on other people’s actions, and just….trust him. It’s okay. He’ll like it. I promise. And he will give as good as he gets.

When you are looking for relationship advice that you can actually use to change the way you date, check yourself for these three dating mistakes BEFORE you write in your questions. If you are making them it’s not too late to correct them. It never is. Put yourself in check and watch your dating life turn around. And even if you have still done that work, and still need a little bit of help, we love to hear from you. And don’t be so hard on yourself if you do make a mistake. You’re human. You’re allowed. And if he loves you, he knows that too. Until then, be loved!

How to Get Your Ex Back….When You Feel That Hope is Lost.

I know how difficult the holidays can be when you are missing someone like crazy. Been there. I also know that it is next to impossible to miss someone to the point of heartache during the holidays and be the only person feeling that. Always remember ladies that if you are missing someone like crazy, the chances are all better than not that they are feeling the same way, ESPECIALLY during the holidays. It’s just the way the laws of attraction and love work. The holidays are that one time of year when you remember traditions, people, and everything that is really important to you in life. So it can be a tough time, but you are not alone. This I know.

I get a lot of letters from women that feel this missing period is never going to end. They write in feeling like hope is lost, and asking for anything that can help them stop feeling this way, and feel better. I wouldn’t be here trying to help you with relationship advice and make him miss you if I thought hope was lost for any of you. I firmly believe that love is never lost, it is only ever replaced, but it can always find its way back again.

But I also know how normal it is to feel in that place where it truly does feel like there is no hope, that place where you almost consider moving on. It really stinks! But the truth is, moving on, in your own unique way, is what is absolutely necessary for that love to find its way back to you again. That’s why the No Contact Zone is so important.

The universe has given you a wake up call, angels closing doors as my grandmother would say. Something’s not working and it’s time for a time out. So take it!

It’s the best thing you can do for yourself. And your relationship. You deserve healing time and focusing on the wound is not going to help your case. At all. Ever. No man ever wants to keep hearing about how sorry you are and how you just want to explain to him one last time.

Even if you are the daughter of Mother Theresa and look like Jennifer Aniston, no man is ever going to take you back under those circumstances because the only purpose that serves is constant reminder of the pain. That he caused. He doesn’t want that reminder, he wants to remember you as a sweet girlfriend where things just didn’t work out and it was nobody’s fault.

Trust me, it sucks for him too. But you may be too busy sitting in your own pain and grief to have the fortitude to take the role of the other and just see his side for just a second. It’s hard, I know, I’ve been there. He may be a “man”, but despite the fact that he shows his feelings differently than you do, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them. You just don’t see them the same way you see yours, or your girlfriends. So that’s when you have to watch his reactions to you, especially those after the breakup, and mirror them. That is what you need to do to begin getting back into that sync with him.

When you are trying to get your boyfriend back, the first thing you want to do is whatever you can to fix the situation. But a nasty moment or conversation is probably the reason he broke up with you, so why would you remind him of that as much as you possibly can? What will the end result be?

Driving him away.

But when you make the choice to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find YOU again, you pull away from him just enough to get him to start noticing you are gone. That he isn’t the center of your world anymore. And that you are an awesome amazing person doing all of these awesome amazing things, without him. That’s when he starts to remember what an awesome amazing girlfriend you were too, and those seeds of attraction begin to kernel again.

If there is a true love there and the two of you were meant to be together, the love is never lost. It will always find its way back again. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve seen the prescription roll out for itself, and it’s even happened to me as well. Hope is never lost.

We have a reader who needs some encouragement in this area. Here’s what she has to say:

Hi Michelle,

This is going to be a long one, I hope you can bear with me as I’m in dire need of some good advice from someone who knows a thing or two about relationships, so far, the advice from my friends and relatives isn’t giving me a clear head to look towards the future.

I was with my boyfriend for two years, he was amazing to me in every way, we planned a future together and really loved each other, but there were some problems that kept us from going that extra step, from realizing out full potential as a couple. A little background, we are both 27 years old, we’ve known each other since we were in junior high, we dated when we were 12(junior high sweet hearts), we dated briefly when we were 18 again, and then reconnected when we were both 25 and had a better go at it that time around.

When we initially started dating I had recently gotten out of a 5 year relationship that left me with a lot of bitterness and sadness, I was just starting to pick myself up again when HE, the man I always wondered about came back in my life. It was amazing really, like all starts of a relationship I was filled with hope for the future and he seemed to be very serious about reconnecting and having a relationship with me, my only concern with him was his previous behaviour, having known him since we were 12 years old and dating him a couple times when we were younger, I know a lot about him to say he is unlike any guy I’ve met in a sense that he has a very unique way of handling relationships.

I knew that relationships are hard work, sometimes people fight, sometimes it’s harder to keep it together but when two people know what they want and love each other it can work. But this guy, this guy is different, he’s always gone through phases in his life when if he’s unhappy with his personal life he will neglect his relationship, or if things start to get too hard in a relationship or things aren’t going the way he hoped he will check out and emotionally shut down, i’ve experienced this first hand with him before, but I thought since time passed by and we were older and wiser, that it would be worth a shot with him. Having my own issues about my past relationship also did not make it any better, needless to say I took a chance and decided to try it out. It was great, everything I hoped for and more, but after things started going towards the end of the honey moon phase like all relationships and the arguments started, my own unresolved issues from past relationships came up, his own issues came up, and as soon as we knew it we were fighting over petty things. I broke up with him a couple of times, and he did the same, not really meaning it, but just to prove a point, so we would get back together after a couple of days and things would be good again, until something else came up. This was our cycle, and no matter what, we always fell into the same circle of arguments.

It reached a breaking point when he called me and told me it was over, at first I didn’t believe it, but when it finally sunk it all of the damage I had done to our relationship hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I had sabotaged the relationship by letting my unresolved issues from my past relationship keep me in a bitter state. I realized I wasn’t the same person he had fallen in love with. I regret my behaviour, and this time I have been given a new perspective into what it really means to make a relationship work.

When he broke up with me he told me several things that didn’t give me much hope.
1. Things have changed for him
2. He has been unhappy for a while and doesn’t want to force anything
3. Things don’t flow with us, our personalities don’t mix
4. He would like to be friends but he needs time
5. I didn’t make him feel good about himself
6. He thinks two years is enough time to try
7. He’s not in love with me anymore
8. I’m a great girl, but it’s not working

I asked him if he knew it could work between us if he would be with me,and he said of course he would, this is why I don’t understand why he would say he isn’t in love anymore.

After the break up I blamed everything on myself, I texted him pages and pages of apologies and of things I wouldve done differently. I did this for about two days. I left him alone for another two days then texted him again, but this time as if things were normal, friendly, and just asked him about his day, he replied we exchanged a couple of texts then I left him alone for another couple of days. I began to panic and then resumed to texting him my apologies and my regret for another two days after that. I sent another text a couple of days later telling him that I was going to leave him alone and respect his decision because he had told me that when I text him it makes things harder on him as well. After a few days I couldn’t stop thinking of why he hadn’t given me the benefit of seeing him in person so I texted him just to ask him if he would be willing to meet up with me to discuss some things, he replied saying “we’ll see, but please respect my decision.” After that we texted again, in a friendly manner after i initiated the conversation just asking about trivial things…he replied to my messages about every 40 minutes and we exchanged a few texts. After this I have cut down on the times I’ve texted but still messaged him about once a week to see if he’s free to meet up, every time he will only reply with what he’s doing that week and that he’s busy. He hasn’t told me to move on, he hasn’t flat out told me leave him alone…I decided I will try no contact for good this time for at least a month. I’m getting frustrated thta he hasn’t even been able to give me a face to face to tell him so much of what I wanted to tell him. It’s been 6 weeks since the break up and I think after 2 years it’s the least I deserve. I‘m contemplating writing him a letter because there is so much I need to explain to him about what went wrong and how I see thins now. It hurts so much not being able to tell him or see him….I’m stuck in limbo and hoping the NC will still work and I haven’t done too much damage.

Once again I’ve highlighted what I think are the most important sections of the letter, the ones that speak volumes about what should happen next. Dear Reader, put down the cell phone immediately. Put it in the freezer if you have to. Do not send one more text.

You are doing exactly what I just mentioned above is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. You are reminding him of the pain over and over again to get your own ease of guilt from this situation, and you aren’t making him miss you at all. In fact, he’s even out right told you that hearing from you is painful, and yet you keep doing it.

What does that do? It sends the message to him that what he needs isn’t as important as what you need. I know that sucks to hear, but we’ve all done it, so don’t feel like I’m singling you out. If this wasn’t a problem global to the female human race I wouldn’t even print the letter. I would go find a letter that was. We have ALL been the Operations Commander of the text wars, no question about it. But as you know, that is not getting him closer to you, so why would you even consider that? Or better yet, a letter that is carefully written that will be written proof to him for years to come of all of the mistakes that you made in the relationship?

Don’t do it. He gets it. He is not blameless here. If you are taking ownership of all of your stuff, then he is sitting there trying to find a way not to have to take ownership of his stuff too. And that place is not the one that is going to have him crawling back to you. You need to make him miss you to achieve that goal. But as I have said it time and time again, he can’t miss you if he keeps hearing from you.

But you, definitely are not in the hope is lost category. You gave me about 15 different reasons for that in your own letter. You haven’t been dating him for 2 years either by the way. By my calculations it looks closer to 15. Okay give or take some breaks and some coming back togethers, three times already, but this has been going on for 15 years. That is some solid history.

But, getting him back is not going to be helped by reminding him about pain. Reminding him about the good history you have will help, you just can’t do it right away. You NEED to take at LEAST a 30 day No Contact Period, my recommendation is 60 though. Or maybe squeeze it out 45. Can we do No Contact until Valentine’s Day? Then surprise him with something sweet and flirty on Valentine’s Day and take it from there?

I think if you can spend some time on you for a while, do the things you like to do when you are single, and the time will fly. It will be a fun thing to look forward to, and it will definitely make him start to wonder what you’ve been up to. Then he will hear from you after a while, see this sweet, sexy Valentiney thing in his email one day, and he will begin to remember the awesome. Trust me. This is precisely how I landed the sweet gem I am with right now. But it’s not even been close to 15 years for us, so you have a serious advantage here.

Also remember, the two of you together have created the history that you CAN get back together. You already have proven, at least twice by my count, that you keep coming back to each other. There’s a reason for that. And yes you should explore it. But, it’s been 15 years. 45 days of salon time and yoga classes and shopping for a new wardrobe to pick you up isn’t going to suck, is it?

You definitely should not feel like hope is lost. You can get your ex boyfriend back, if you make him miss you. Put down the phone, do not send a letter, do nothing until some serious time has passed. It won’t be easy. Keep writing in and we will help support you through this.

I’ve got a good feeling about this okay, so please do keep us posted! Readers! Did I miss anything? Drop your comments in the box below and let’s help our friend get through this tough time. Always remember dear Readers, no matter how sad things may seem right now, everything is only for a season. Hope your holiday season is beautiful, and bright! Until next year friends : )

Dating Advice For Women Dating a Divorced Man

I say this so often on this column, but it bears repeating over and over again. When it comes to dating, times they have a changed. We now live in a day and age where divorce is at a 50% rate, which means all of the people that were taken out of the dating pool a few years ago, are now back in the dating pool. Which means, more divorced people are dating. Which means, and I know this sounds almost too obvious but I’m going to say it anyway, the chances of you dating someone that is divorced is greater today than it ever has been before. And as many of you have discovered, dating a divorced man is no easy bag of apples. And mind you, dating a divorced woman isn’t either. But that’s not what today’s post is about. Today’s column is going to provide relationship advice for women navigating these murky waters.

We have a question from a reader that is very heavily involved with a divorced man. This is just one perfect example of many of the experiences that many of you are going through right now. When it comes to dating a single and not divorced man, you have enough issues to contend with. But what about if he’s divorced? You add an ex-wife into the mix, children, assets, finances, and so much more. So, even though these problems aren’t your problems when you enter the relationship, when you become a couple with a divorced man, they become your problems.

But why you say?

Well, relationship problems don’t change status just because someone’s marital problems do.

Let’s say you are dating a single, non divorced man and have been involved with him for months. Long enough to fall in love and start talking about things like getting married, having kids, buying a home, you know, all of the usual things people talk about when they are moving on to the next level of their relationship. Then bam, he loses his job, and all of these hopes and dreams seem so much farther away.

Does that mean that he’s the wrong person for you and you need to give up and move on? Does that mean that you say, sorry sweetie, but that’s your problem and I am out of here.

Well, that does actually happen, but not to people that truly love each other. The same thing when you are dating a divorced man. His problems unfortunately DO become your problems, and if you truly love him, you will stick with him through and through until you can sort them out together.

These types of things are precisely what our reader today is concerned about. Let’s see what she has to say.

I’m feeling confused, and lost when last week my boyfriend asked to end our relationship, otherwise he will lose his kids. I was dating with a man for a year and 8 months. It was a secret dating. He showed me the divorce papers indicating he officially divorced his ex ten years ago, but he came back with his ex mainly to take care of 3 kids together. However, they were legally divorced from 2002 and never re-married. He said his kids need to have both mom and dad since they are still minors.s Honestly he still has a feeling for her until the day he met me. I trust him and be willing to wait for him whenever he is ready to tell his kids about our relationship.

Back in Jan 2012, his ex found out our relationship and she told the kids about our relationship. All three kids turn their backs with their daddy and treated my boyfriend like a dead man in his house. He made the decision to move out and started a new life with me. I know for sure he loves me truly almost last 2 years. He visited my family often. He took my niece and nephew hanging out over the weekends. Especially, when we started living together from Jan 2012, he always takes care good of me and together plan our family life (we will buy a house, having a baby soon, taking his mom to live with us, taking me out every weekend….). I know he is sincere and really want a new life with me. He still provides the child support adequate for his kids.

He is willing to give up all the equity of the house together with cars he bought for his ex and his sons. He wanted to make his ex happy with all the assets he left for her and kids. He thought as long as he did not take any assets, property, his ex and his kids will be happy and let him go. Last week, his ex called him and alleged him how horrible daddy he was and how bad person he was… He was totally emotional and going crazy. I never saw him in that mood. Two days later, he talked to me that he needed some space and focus on his kids. He was informed his kids have a lot of issues with laws and drug from the day he moved out. I know he is feeling guilty for what happened with his kids. I agreed and moved out because I love him that much. I don’t want to put more burden on his shoulder.

However last week, he texted me he has to end our relationship, otherwise his kids won’t want to see him again if he continues to live with me. I totally don’t understand how quickly he made the decision to break up with me. I know he is not thinking straight now since he feels guilty for what happened to his kids. I sent him a lengthy email to let him know my thoughts, and I am willing to give me 6 months to settle in with his kids. I told him I just want to be loyal with my feelings and my love for him. After 6 months, if he still don’t want me back, I will move on. Honestly I love him very much and want him back, but I am afraid his kids will do the bad things if he insists telling them he loves me and wants living with me for the rest of his life, finally he has to give up on me and keep his kids. Could you give me an advice what I should do in this situation?

I see many letters where you lovely ladies talk about how much you know he loves you and would never hurt you, and then you tell me about the dirtbag things he does to you and want me to help you figure out how to get your ex back after all of these things. My first inclination as many of you regular readers know is to say, sometimes it’s not about getting him back, it’s about learning how to say goodbye.

This is not one of those times. I do not even know this man and if everything our reader is telling us is true, he is worth his weight in gold. He hasn’t done anything wrong in the grand scheme of things. She hasn’t done anything wrong either. This is just one of those sticky situations where life in itself has thrown this relationship a serious curve ball and they are trying to figure it out.

Dear lost and confused, I repeat, you did everything right. Moving out, and sending him communication about your feelings and your place in this was the right thing to do, absolutely. When there are kids in the mix, the parent absolutely has to put them first.

However. If he had come to me for advice on you, I might have suggested he do things a little bit differently. So, taking that cue what I will tell you is, how to communicate with him to suggest that maybe doing things a little differently will change the two of you and the course of your relationship.

Clearly his ex-wife played a very large role in your breakup, whether it looks that way or not right now. In essence, she is at home clapping her jealous hands with glee that she has succeeded in manipulating him to do what she wants. She did the wrong thing. No woman, or man for that matter, has any business putting their kids in the middle of relationships. And no woman, or man, has any business letting their kids decide what happens in their romantic affairs. Do you see where I’m going with this?

What she did was the wrong thing to do, no question, but in essence, he did the same thing by letting the kids decide if he was going to stay with you. That was not the best choice on his part. Your relationship is none of their business. They have no say in it. The only time I ever think it’s a good idea for two people to break up because the kids are being hurt is if the kids are actually being hurt. Physically or emotionally. And by that I mean, the kids are emotionally abused over the dating relationship, being treated badly by the other person, or being physically or emotionally scarred by the other person. A recent dating advice answer I gave speaks to this nature, where the man was being nasty to a special needs child.

But hurt feelings because daddy has moved on with someone else is not a valid reason for a breakup. What does he think is going to happen? That he will stay single all of his life because his ex wife fed the kids garbage about every woman that he dates? If she did it with the two of you, she will do it with every other woman that he dates. That’s not fair to him, or you, or the kids even.

You did the right thing by leaving and becoming one less burden for him. And I truly believe that when he made the decision to leave you that he thought he was doing what was best for everyone as well. But both of you got the shaft here and that’s just plain wrong. If you two were truly meant to be together, the best advice I can give you if you want to learn how to get your boyfriend back is to…..show him this column. Show him the cold hard truth that he is being swindled by a bitter ex wife who is manipulating his happiness, long after the divorce papers have been signed.

She has no recourse on his dating life anymore, the divorce papers prove that. She has no right to stand in the way of him and anyone. And the kids don’t either. He needs to get a backbone with her about it, and he needs to get a backbone with his kids too. Gently remind him that HE is the parent, HE makes the rules, HE decides who he dates and if she or they don’t like it, too bad. The custody agreement I am sure by this point is already in place, she has no recourse in preventing him from moving on with his life, and she should be ashamed of what she has done.

Sometimes divorced parents forget this, because they know their kids are in enough emotional turmoil already and will do anything they can to keep their kids happy. But he deserves to be happy too. And so do you. I would love to hear how this one pans out, as I love to hear follow ups from each of my readers. I know your letter came in a while ago and I was not able to get to it right away, so please drop me a note and let me know where things stand now, or what choices you have made in the way of this situation. Until then, readers, chime in your thoughts and let’s support Ms. Lost and Confused. Good luck, and PLEASE keep us posted!

Relationship Advice for Women Dealing With The Player

Back in the good ole days, relationships were pretty cut and dry. Oh women swooned and sang songs about being hopelessly devoted to someone who wasn’t giving it their all, there’s no question about that. They were confused in their own right, but their confusion just wasn’t the same as ours is today. Today, there are advice columns in every newspaper for women that are hopelessly devoted to someone that is not giving it their all, and today, we have millions more ways for men to confuse women. So many, that the term “players” has been coined for those men that keep women on the yo-yo. This is the topic we are covering in today’s column on relationship advice for women. Players. The easiest tip I can provide is to just…cut them loose. But it’s much more complicated than that when our hearts are in the mix, isn’t it?

See, here’s the little secret that players don’t want you to know. As long as you keep going back to them, they will keep playing you. Whether their intentions are real or not, they will always, always, always keep playing you.

Many of you are already saying, back right up there, lady. Players do not have honest intentions.

Not true. Some do. But some are so wrapped up in their own baggage, that they think and feel and want the same love that we do, they just don’t know how to do it right. Then along comes this sweet, innocent girl, who thinks they can change their insecurities into something beautiful, and develop a love that will last a lifetime.

That’s just not going to happen. When you are dealing with players, no matter what their intentions are, they are never going to change until they make that choice for themselves. They will never figure out how to do it right, until they make that choice for themselves. Unless you are a Ph.D. and have them on your couch once a week, you can’t help them change themselves. No matter how full your heart is with love for them.

This is today’s reader’s question. She sent a rather detailed and lengthy letter on the subject, with the bottom line of her question being, “How do I get him to stop playing me?” Let’s have a look and break it down. As usual, I have bolded the necessary items.

My boyfriend (unbeknown to me at the time) has been really keen on me since we met at school. We had no contact for over 20 years then found each other online. He said he had never stopped thinking about me over the years. He has had some terrible experiences in his life (parents divorce hit him hard, homeless at 16, raped by someone at school and later in life by a stranger, as well as some mental health problems). He also has 4 children by 3 different mums. He has had trouble accessing any of them despite trying, but for no clear reason from what I can see. Unfortunately, he is very insecure and never thinks he is good enough for me. He struggles with anxiety and is upset about the difficulties in arranging contact to see his youngest. We have only been together since November, but it was an immediate attraction and most of the time we get on well. He was keen to see me as much as possible and had great plans for the future.

Unfortunately, when the slightest thing happens, he can’t deal with it and leaves. He then says he’s not good enough for me or that he feels pressured. I have a responsible job and my own house and he does not work or have his own house. He keeps disappearing to his friend’s house as he can’t cope with things. His ex has stopped him seeing the baby, but doesn’t seem to mind when she knows he isn’t with anyone. He doesn’t want to go back with her but misses his baby a lot.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a lot of patience with my children. My youngest is mildly autistic and my 14 year old is going through the typical teenager stage. He is controllable but grunts a bit and isn’t forthcoming with help. He is polite and friendly to strangers but has an attitude at times at home. I have a structure of discipline in place which I usually feel is successful, but my boyfriend feels that my son should speak nicely to me all of the time and should want to help for love not pocket money. I think this is a bit unrealistic so this causes us a bit of an issue.

Unfortunately, I don’t cope well with being run out on or ignored as this makes me feel insecure and I panic and get very upset. The children’s dad was physically and emotionally abusive and I struggle when I don’t know what is happening in a relationship now. Unfortunately, I have had two further relationships since I split up with the children’s dad nearly 7 years ago which have been emotionally draining and my feelings didn’t seem to matter until I stopped chasing after them when they left. I do wonder if because I am such a rational and calm person usually if any partners discover my Achilles heal (being left and ignored) then they act on it as it provokes a reaction in me. I need to stop the cycle somehow if this is the case. Is it me? Or is it coincidence?

I do want my current relationship to work. We both love and miss each other and there is no one else involved romantically. I would love it to work between us but feel at the moment that I am trying to bend over backwards for him whilst he is wrapping himself up in protection. I am upset whenever he walks out and try to contact him repeatedly. The last time he left was 3 days ago and sometimes his texts are loving and other times they are quite cold or he ignores me. I know he isn’t intentionally playing games but feel like he has learnt to protect himself too much. I have suggested counselling for self esteem issues and have bought him books. He says he will do it then says he’s not sure he needs it.

I really want us to live happily ever after as despite this it feels so right for both of us. But this inconsistency isn’t doing me any good. Please give me your advice?

Here is my first area of concern, dear Reader. Your children. As a mother, it pains me to see you wanting to be involved with a man who does not treat your children right. This is no brainer dating advice for women 101. A man that does not treat your children well is not the guy for you. You have a history of emotional abuse in your life, and by trying to stay with this man, you are going to continue that cycle. And what, one of your child has special needs? And are you STILL considering going back to this guy? Many other readers are shaking their heads sadly for you right now, dearest Reader.

Before I say anything else about this relationship (and I use that term loosely), let me give you a little wake up call. As their mother, it is your job to protect your children at all costs. No matter what. No matter what. No matter what.

That means, no matter what your own needs are in this present moment. Or in any future moments. A man that does not treat a special needs child well, is CERTAINLY not going to make any efforts to treat his mother well either.

You also tell us that he has four children by several different mothers. That again should tell you that his respect for women is on the low end of things. And all you are doing by staying with him is teaching him that it is okay to disrespect you the same way that he has disrespected all of the baby mama’s before you. If he respected at least one of them, my bet is that he would still be with her in an effort to do right by his children, right by their mother. But he didn’t make that choice, did he? So what epic defining moment in his life has happened that you think warrants the belief that he is going to make that choice with you??

There isn’t any epic moment for you to refer to, and there won’t be until he does meet that Ph.D. and do the couch time.

Now, onto you for a minute. I will tell you that the reason you are putting up with this is because you have a history of abuse. You have been sadly taught by other men that it is okay to be treated this way. That you deserve a “just enough” approach to love. That you have earned the methods of being treated poorly in love. So, being brainwashed in that by the father of your children, you are allowing other men to do the same thing.

I am here to tell you, and our readers are here to tell you, that’s all a lie. You deserve better. Period. And the only way you are going to break that cycle is by pulling up your socks and not allowing others to treat you that way any more. I know that you can do it, you already did it with the father of your children. You said, that is not okay and you nipped it in the bud. You can do it again.

If you want to know how to get your boyfriend back, that’s what you have to do. But honestly, I wouldn’t even touch this one until he HAS done the couch time. It is not your job to change his insecurities. If your love isn’t enough for him to overcome his insecurities, it is never going to be enough, until he gets the help he needs.

BUT you say….. “I know he isn’t intentionally playing games but feel like he has learnt to protect himself too much.”

That’s where you are wrong. He IS intentionally playing games with him, because you’ve taught him he can keep coming back to you after his childish behavior. Now you need to teach him new lessons in love. That this behavior is anything but okay.

I KNOW how desperately you want to live happily ever after. We ALL want that. But your happily ever after is not with this guy, until he changes his ways and really starts putting you first. And when a man is dating a woman with children, how he shows that he puts her first is by putting her kids first. He hasn’t done that. So why are you letting another emotionally abusive man in your life?

For this woman, and all other women reading the story about the player who keeps toying with her emotions by feeding her his insecurities, please please listen. The best dating advice for women in this situation is to cut him loose. When you do that, it sends him the message that he isn’t good enough for you, that you are worth more.

One of two things will happen, both in your favor.

1.) He will realize he is not good enough for you, realize that he is madly in love with you, realize that if he wants you in his life he needs to change, and then he will go out and change his life to become the man that you deserve.

2.) He will not realize any of those things and storm out of your life in a huff because you, like all of the other women in his life, wouldn’t put up with his childish behavior. This will then empower you with the realization that you are in charge of your destiny and that you are better off without him, freeing you up to open your life for the love and the man that you truly deserve.

What do you think, readers? Did I miss something? For any of you that have experiences with similar situations, please drop ‘em in the comments to support our reader who clearly needs to see the light at the end of this tunnel. I would love to hear your updates on this, so please, drop me a note in the comments or send me a message and let me know what you decided to do here. Remember, girl power, YOU are in control of your children, your love life, and your own romantic destiny. So take charge! And keep us posted!

How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back When You Are Dealing With Mixed Signals Guy

There are enough issues on the road to life, love, and happiness, that even when you are presented with the black and white of it, it can still be pretty confusing. But when you are given the grey matter in your daily matters, life can seem nothing short of chaotic. Unfortunately, when it comes to matters of the heart, very few things come to us in black and white. Wouldn’t it be absolutely wonderful if we were given black and white roadmap when dealing with our love affairs? If he says this, he means this. If he does this, he meant that. Of course it would, but we, as humans, don’t really work that way. Although this could be a big complaint in the world of romance, if we did work that way, life would be really, really boring. At the same time however, human behavior as grey as it can be sometimes, can be pretty predictable as well. That’s why many of the methods I discuss for those wanting to know relationship advice for mixed signals guy really work. Because of that predictable nature of human relationship.

Today I am going to address a reader’s concern on how to deal with things when things don’t seem so predictable. Many of you write in talking about the same guy. No, I’m not saying you are all dating the same man. But many of you are all dating the same type of guy. You know the guy. If you haven’t dated him yet, you may well before you find The One. His name? Mixed Signals Guy. Nothing aggravates me more than when I am dating a guy that says one thing, and does another, and that’s exactly the trademark of Mixed Signals Guy. We have a reader dealing with one, and let’s look at her problem and get to the brass tax of it. Here’s what she says:

I was dating my boyfriend for 6 months and we literally had the time of our lives together. We always made each other happy and he was very respectful and I loved it! Then I had surgery done and he disappeared after that and never spoke to me till 3 months later. When he spoke to me yea I was bitchy because he made a douchebag move but he let everything out. At this moment we are friends and it’s been 7 months since we last dated. We’ve tried to talk(date) again but it didn’t work out as how we wanted it to. He ended up becoming really busy with work and just said that he’s too busy for a girl right now. Alright, that’s fine. He also said he doesn’t want each other to try forcing to make this relationship work and in the future whatever happens,happens. And I completely agreed with him.

I see him twice a week at the same spot and he always talks to me like how he would when we were dating and he always touches me like my leg and biting me an stuff just to mess around. He walked me out to my car yesterday and we ended up hooking up (just making out) and I didn’t want to and I wanted to stop so badly and tell him this isn’t what we should be doing we both agreed not to do this. It was just very awkward. So I texted him later and was like what was that and he said Idk. And I was just texting him like you can’t keep doing this and he’s like I like you but I don’t want a relationship. Okkkkkkk so if u like me and don’t want a relationship why would you do that. He said he cares but sometimes his actions take over. Alright sooooooo what do I do. We still have light feelings for each other and I don’t want to let him go. Hes a great guy.

What do you think, ladies? This one at first glance is actually a bit of a no brainer. I know the reader in question doesn’t necessarily agree, because she’s in the middle of it. We’ve all been in that middle, trying to figure out why he’s saying one thing and doing another. But the truth is, he’s actually being a lot clearer than our dear reader wants to admit.

We’ve all been there.

But when it comes to relationship advice for women that are dealing with Mixed Signals Guy, my advice is always, agree with him, thank him, and move on your merry way. See, this is where that handy little tip of, you teach people how to treat you goes a very long way. Right now our reader is teaching him that it’s okay to keep walking all over her like this, when the truth is, it isn’t. How do we know this? Because she has accepted the yo-yoing back and forth and not given him the boundaries she needs to feel secure in this relationship.

I’m going to translate some of his mixed signals for you.

“I like you, but I don’t want a relationship.”

What he’s saying is, I like you, and I don’t really have anyone else that I like more in my life right now, so I want whatever I can get from you right now….without a commitment.

“I care, I definitely do, but sometimes my actions take over and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Dear reader, is he 4? Because 4 year olds don’t have the developed neocortexes that adults have, and they do act impulsively and honestly can’t help it. If you are dating a 4 year old, stop. If you aren’t, tell him to grow up. He is a grown man with a mind of his own and absolutely can stop what he is doing if he knows it is going to hurt you. Which he does know, or he wouldn’t be giving you these lame excuses.

You say, “We still have light feelings for each other and I don’t want to let him go.”

Here is my translation of your statement, dearest reader. “I really like him, and don’t really know where he stands with me, and I am afraid that if I don’t let him go and pursue other options that I won’t find any other options and I will have let go the one guy that at least liked me a little.”

Ring true for you? We’ve all said that, felt that, experienced that. But the truth of the matter is, when you translate your own fears, you see the cold hard truth. You are settling with this guy.

The truth is, you deserve a guy that is screaming from the mountains, I’m crazy about her! I can’t get enough of her!! I want to be with her and only her!

What you DON’T deserve, is being fully invested in something when the guy is responding with, “I love making out with her! I love hooking up with her! I am crazy about the fact that I finally met someone who is letting me have my cake and eat it too!”

You also mention that he’s a great guy. While I don’t know him personally, I am going to disagree with you on this one based on the information you have provided. Great guys do not leave their girlfriends hanging for three months after they had surgery. If he did that to you once, he will do that to you again. Do you really want to wait for that to happen when you are engaged or married?

Does this situation make more sense to you?

The next time he slips up and tries to lose control of his actions, nip him in the bud. If you truly want to get your boyfriend back and in a loving and much more committed way, you need to show him and explain to him that the only way to do that is to make you his own.

The next time this happens, and you are texting him telling him this is unfair, wait for his response. It will look exactly like the first one. “I am happy with no commitment, and if you want to keep making out with me, you have to be happy with that too.”

Your response needs to sound like, “Okay great, thanks for spelling things out for me. Been great hanging with you but truthfully, I’m looking for something more. I do think you’re great, a great kisser even, but I need more. I know you care about me and want me to be happy, so I am going to go look for my happy. Let me know if a relationship is ever something you’re into, and if I’m free, I will let you know. You know how it is, in the future, whatever happens, happens, right? Until then, best of luck.”

I guarantee you his eyes will pop open very wide as soon as he sees that message.

What do you think dear readers? Did I miss something? This is one of those situations where you need to remember that YOU, not HE, is in control of your relationship and romantic affairs. So take your power back, and teach him how to treat you. Good luck, and please do keep us posted!!

How to Get Your Ex Back AFTER The No Contact Period

One of the things you know that I talk about frequently is the No Contact Zone. This is the period of time that you should be taking after a breakup. It is exactly what it sounds like. Step awaaaaay from the computer, telephone, and that little devil of a cell phone. All of these things are so tempting, you want to make that one call, one text, one email, just to make sure he hasn’t forgotten you, and it’s a bad idea. Why? Because he rarely if ever responds, and what that does to you is send you on the spiral of heartbreak all. over. again. I want to save you lovely ladies from this pain, so please, please, no matter how much you want to just touch base, one last time….don’t. If you really want to get your ex back, you need to follow this one crucial step of relationship advice. It is the most important step in getting him back, because not only does it spare you heartbreak, but this space that you give him is just the space you both need for the magic to start working on its own. See, he can’t miss you if he keeps hearing from you.

Many of you, judging by your letters, are taking this advice well. But the tone of many letters seems to be, what next? So that’s exactly what I am going to address today. I speak enough about this critical No Contact Zone, but what do you do next? Today we are going to help one of our friends, I am going to call her Hope, and help her get through what is necessary after the No Contact Zone. So far, as you will see, she’s done everything right. She just needs some encouragement on what to do next.

Here’s what Hope had to say:

Hi Michelle. I’ve been sending you relationship questions ever since but I receive no reply. 🙁 It’s okay I understand you get a little hectic in your schedule. I just want to know how to get my ex boyfriend back if he is seeing a new girl already. :'(

We’ve been for 3 years and I can say he is the best boyfriend anyone could ever have….that’s why it’s hard for me to let go. :'( He broke up with me because of my attitude. I tend to get jealous and angry easily. I have mood swings. He broke up with me for his reason that he got burned out because f our everyday issues and petty fights. :'(

I did everything to win him back. Beg, everything. Even my parents and friends tried to convince him to give me a chance. But nothing happened. :'( We broke up last July. I didn’t text nor call him. But I get to see him everyday because we are both involve in the same organization in our church.

Last week of August, he texted me because he wanted to know what I am up to. That day that we met is the most horrible day of my life. He said that I should be dating other guys now because he is seeing someone new already. Worse, his new girl is the girl in our same organization also. Since then until this October, I made no contact to him. I quit joining the organization the three of us are involve.

I want to get him back, Michelle. I hope you could spend time to answer this. You are God sent to all of us brokenhearted girls here. Thank you so much. :'(

Once again, I’ve highlighted the key areas of concern, and let’s break it down.

For starters, Hope, I want to thank you for all of your kind words. Thank you also for taking so many lengths to touch base with me, I know how important this is to you and we are here to help. Second, I want to congratulate you on everything that you’ve done right. You followed the prescription exactly, stayed well within the No Contact Zone, and what happened?

He contacted you. Forget what he said, just for a moment, and focus on that one key issue.

He contacted you. You made him miss you enough to just check in and see how you were doing. What was one of the first questions he asked? “How is your love life?”

It doesn’t matter if he didn’t use those exact words, he was curious. And if he didn’t care for you at all, 1.) He wouldn’t have bothered to text, and 2.) He wouldn’t have asked you about your love life.

See, if you only just broke up last July, and he’s already with someone else after being with you for three years, I am going to name this girl Rebound Girl. I’ve said this to other readers as well. No man, nobody at all, bounces back and falls in love with someone else mere weeks after he has let someone go that has been a part of his life for three years. Nobody does that.

And for the people that do, you let them go. They are not going to commit to that person any more than they committed to you, and you don’t need those problems.

But this guy, my hunch is that he just needed to get some space from someone that he was fighting with all of the time (I’ll get to that in a minute), and start seeing someone else. The reason he started seeing someone else is so that he could sort of prove to himself that he could find someone he wouldn’t fight with all of the time. So, here comes this nice lady from church and it sounds ideal to him.

Maybe it is ideal to him, but it is not ideal enough, otherwise he wouldn’t have touched base with you. Even THOUGH he said you should have moved on by now, he still touched base with you. If Rebound Girl was meeting all of his needs in love, he would not have contacted you. And him telling you that you should have moved on by now is in my opinion, his way of trying to assuage his own guilt for moving on so quickly. Because I can pretty much bet you dollars to donuts that he would not be happy at ALL if he found out you were seeing someone else right now. I would bet money on that one, Hope.

Do you see why I nicknamed you Hope? Because, this situation has some. And I hope you are feeling that so far.

Now, let’s move to this issue of fighting. The anger, the jealousy, and so on. This kind of behavior speaks of insecurity. And I think the reason this issue lead to so many fights with you is because he probably felt that, if he was with you for three years, you had no reason to be insecure with him. And I would have to agree with him on that one. Not saying you did anything wrong, it’s completely normal for even the longest lasting couples to feel insecure in their relationship once in a while. And for us women, that manifests in the symptoms of anger and jealousy. So the very best dating advice I can give you, for this situation or for any other situation you might find yourself in, if you are feeling those symptoms of anger and jealousy, don’t get mad about it. Sit him down, and say, “I’m feeling this. Can we talk about it? I don’t know why or where it’s coming from, but was wondering if you could help me figure this out, because I don’t want to get mad at you for no reason.”

This helps, and men appreciate this approach over the, “Where the heck have you been all night I’ve been freaking OUT, who were you with???” You, and all other readers may want to review my article on fighting fair, as that gives a lot of tips on dealing with this stuff. Again, it’s completely normal to feel anger and jealous sometimes, you are human. How you deal with those feelings will make all of the difference in what happens next for you in love.

Now, you’ve successfully passed the No Contact Zone, we know this because he contacted you. So what next?

The next step of dating advice that I could give you right now, Hope, is that you are now in a safe place to touch base with him again. I will tell you exactly what to say, but before I do this, it is VERY IMPORTANT that you understand one thing.

You need to contact him with absolutely NO EXPECTATION OR ATTACHMENT TO THE OUTCOME. This is so important. If you attach an expectation to an email or text that you send him, you may end up heartbroken again. If you send him something, not caring how he responds, you will be delightfully surprised at how he moves forward to you. Why? When you don’t care, and they move toward you in your favor, it’s exciting. And you BOTH need that excitement in order to reboot your connection and come together as a couple again.

He hasn’t heard from you in a while, and hasn’t even seen you (Good for you! That must have been so hard!). And so, when he hears from you, he will be pleasantly surprised as well. THIS is going to trigger some of that excitement in him that I just talked about. So what do you say?

You say NOTHING negative. You are going to say something that reminds him how sweet and amazing you are, something that reminds him of you and the reason he fell in love with you. Do you two have an inside joke? Something the two of you shared, open with that and he will be laughing off the bat and it will set a nice tone.

How you contact him will make a difference as well. No phone call, no text. These are very personal methods of contact, and you don’t want to look too personal with this. Remember, you have no attachment to the outcome, you don’t care if you hear back from him or not, and you portray this by sending him a nice quick little email that touches base, and says more in just two or three lines than you could ever say in a phone call.

Here’s what you say, for fun, I’m going to call him Jon.

(Start off with a joke)

“Hi Jon. You know, I saw something today that made me laugh and think of you, remember the time…..and such and such happened and we both laughed our tails off? I saw that today and I couldn’t help but laugh my tail off again! Made me think of you and so just wanted to say hi. Thank you for everything you did for me and for the part you played in my life, it will always mean something special to me. I hope you are well. Love, Hope.”

See how this kind of email doesn’t tell him anything about you and your life right now, other than that you saw something on a particular day. This is called creating mystery. It also tells him something else, that you are grateful for him. He probably is not completely aware of that, given the nature of your fighting. But this tiny little email will speak volumes and will remind him of all of the wonderful things about your relationship, which may well just have him running away from Rebound Girl, and right back into your arms.

If you still want to know how to get him back after this email, drop us some notes in the comments Hope and let us know how this goes, and how it makes you feel. We’re ALL rooting for you, and can’t WAIT to hear what happens next! Good luck!