The Top 3 Dating Mistakes That You Are Making

What? Me? Making dating mistakes? What about HIM? He’s a hot mess!

Sound familiar? A little all too familiar. And I hear you, been there too.

But here’s the truth about dating.

There are two sides to every pancake ladies, and so if your relationship is less than ideal, that isn’t going to change until you take a look at your role in it. Until you know that you are doing absolutely everything in your power to make it the best dating life ever, then you play a role in the problems as well.

Now, that being said, doing everything in your power to work on your relationship…within reason, is the important takeaway from that first thought, but I will get to that. Today our dating advice is going to revolve around what you can do to change your relationship, or change your dating experience. We spend so much time wondering what HE’S doing, what HE could do better, what HE could change to make us happier, we spend far less time wondering what WE could do.

When was the last time that you asked yourself, “How can I make my dating life better?”

When you acknowledge that you have the control in your dating life, then your relationships automatically change for the better. But there is a very big difference between controlling your life, and controlling your men to the point that the words “stalker” and “restraining order” start surfacing into conversation. But sometimes women have a problem with that. I repeat, there is a very big difference between being in control of your LIFE, and being in control of your man.

On that note, let’s get right to it. Here are the top three dating mistakes that you are making right now, that you can also stop…right now. Let’s get to it.

1. Expecting too much. Now, this is a mistake that we all have made at one point in our dating world. But this mistake manifests itself in a number of different ways. From, visualizing yourself walking down the aisle with him when you are on your first date together, to, over reacting when he went out with the guys because he didn’t text you his whereabouts every 20 minutes. These are just examples. Here’s another one. “Dear Michelle, my boyfriend has been out of work for almost 2 years now and I know he is going to propose. How do I tell him I don’t want anything less than a 10 thousand dollar ring?”

Before I answer that question, let me preface my response by saying this is not an actual reader’s question, but I have heard this question from someone in my own life seeking my relationship advice very recently. My answer was, “You don’t. Unless you want him to break up with you.”

This is just one more example of expecting too much. When did we become such an entitled society that we leave all of the work up to the poor men of the world? They don’t owe us anything ladies. All they need to do is keep their promises. I repeat, all they owe us is kept promises. And, if they haven’t made those promises, even the act of expecting them to make them at some point in our dating life is asking too much of them.

Here’s the thing. If he wants to propose, or call when he says he will, or date you when he says he will, or take things to the next level, he will. But he won’t if he suspects that you expect this. Relationships only work when they work organically, and expecting too much too soon is going to leave you disappointed. Not only that, but you won’t even be able to blame him, because these expectations are all made by…..you.

Now, if he doesn’t call when he says he will, or doesn’t keep those promises, that’s a dating mistake that he is making. But this does not mean that you have the right to go postal on him. Which brings us to mistake number two.

2. Needing him too much. Let’s pretend for the sake of this argument that you have never heard, in a movie or otherwise, the phrase, “You complete me.” You know, and I may have even mentioned this here before, but I gotta say it again. I really hate that phrase when it comes to love because it has lead to so many problems for so many women and for so many reasons. How can you expect someone to fall in love with ALL of you when you are hoping they become a part of ALL of you. The point with this one is that it falls right into that category of placing too many expectations on him. Now you expect him to complete you? Really? No wonder he’s running! Who wants that pressure?

Come to him with ALL of you already in place. Or at least, as much as you can possibly muster. Needing him to sweep in and complete parts of you, that’s just not going to work and going to leave you very frustrated when he can’t fill those hefty shoes.

“Oh, that’s not me. Skip to number 3 please, that doesn’t apply at all!”

Really? Have you texted him or emailed him in the last 24 hour period, JUST so that you could hear back from him? JUST so that you could get some small reassurance that he still is thinking of you, caring for you, and you are still on his mind? And by that I mean, you had NO other reason to touch base, other than to receive your own small instant piece of gratification.

If you said yes to that, even silently in your head hoping nobody else heard, then you need him too much. Needing to hear from him just to know that he still likes you could be the biggest mistake you are making in dating right now. Because this mistake, when left unchecked, will fester and grow until it becomes something ugly. This is when you wind up leaving 20 voicemails on the same day getting more frantic each time because you haven’t heard from him.

Look at behavior like that and realize…those calls aren’t about him. They are about you, and your needs.

Hey listen, I am not trying to be the bad guy or get anybody to flush their phones and their texting, but these mistakes can not be corrected until you correct them. And needing him too much is a mistake.

Needing him period, that isn’t a mistake. You are allowed to need him. You can’t have a successful relationship if at some point you two do not realize that you both need each other. And so, together you both complete each other’s circles, and this way the need goes both ways. But, needing him to the point of excessive behavior is your second biggest mistake in your dating life. Nobody needs ANYBODY that badly. And the people that do, need help more than they need that text returned.

I’m not saying anyone is crazy. I too have made this mistake. We ALL have made this mistake. I get letters ALL the time about this mistake over, and over, and over again. Sometimes from the same women making the same mistake over, and over, and over again. Nobody is crazy here. We just need a little help knowing what we’re doing wrong, so that we can correct it.

So, as I say over, and over, and over again….ease off on the texting. The calling. The emailing. When you do that, watch him draw closer to you. It’s like magic. Just try it!

3. Not trusting enough. We need him too much, we expect too much of him, but when it comes to the one thing we SHOULD be doing in excess, we aren’t. And this kills love. Fast. Learning how to trust, and just giving in and letting go, is the best relationship advice you will ever get. That’s because it is also the toughest.

This is the one thing that we need to give MOST in our love lives, but it is also the one thing that we tend to give the LEAST. Why?

Because we’ve been schooled in love by the bad guys of the world. We’ve become bitter, cynical, sarcastic daters that almost believe there is no such thing as good guys anymore. Even if you have dated 20 bad apples last month alone, that doesn’t mean the next one that comes along will be too.

And maybe it will be. But you still need to give every guy you date the same fighting chance the last guy had. Even if you got burned. Why would you sell anyone short that didn’t deserve to be underestimated? What if he is The One? You will never find out if you are expecting him to fail and withholding trust because he doesn’t deserve it. Why judge every new guy you meet by the last guy you dated? How do you expect to become happy, ever, if you keep up this cycle?

Oh I know, between catfishers, players, gamers, cheaters, and all of the all around jerks of the world, it can be very tough to think that true love is even possible. But it is. Just remember, without true and authentic and unadulterated trust, it isn’t true love. If you can’t trust, you can’t love, it’s that simple.

Listen, I know it’s a gamble. Every time you have that new first date, you are throwing out the dice. I get that. I also get that you are tired and frustrated and convinced by the lack of good guy evidence in the world. But that doesn’t mean that the guy you are with now doesn’t deserve a fresh shot at it.

Have you found yourself questioning him for absolutely no reason? By “no reason” I mean, lack of evidence. I’m going to offer another example to illustrate this.

You have absolutely no evidence to suggest for example that he didn’t text you back all day yesterday because he was out with another woman, but that’s the first thing that pops into your head. In fact, it’s the only reasonable solution you can come up with because, well, you haven’t heard from him so he’s not offering you an alternative. And so, this thought bounces back and forth in your head and with every minute that passes without hearing from him this thought grows, and grows, and grows, and grows.

Until you do hear from him, just a simple text, “Hey, sorry, work got nuts yesterday.” And your response is, “Oh really? REALLY? Did you work like 23 hours or something yesterday? How long does it take to send a little text? It’s called common courtesy you know!”

All the while you are secretly relieved you did hear from him, even if it was just a hey. What you don’t know is that he’s picking up his phone, furrowing his brows and shaking your head at your text message, deleting it, and then complaining to the guys about how nuts you are because you flipped over one text message he didn’t have time to respond to.

How do you know he wasn’t trying to land a new client yesterday so that he COULD buy you that ten thousand dollar ring? You don’t. Anymore than you know that he was with another woman. And this is what I’m talking about when I say “evidence”. The only evidence you have with this example is that he was working, and couldn’t text you.

See how this example ties together….all of the above. And so I say to you, trust is the answer to all of these things, to correcting all of these mistakes. When you trust him, your expectations on him are realistic. When you trust him, you don’t “need” to hear from him every 30 seconds because you love him enough to give him the space to take care of the things he needs to take care of when he’s not with you. And when you trust him, he feels that, and if he is meant to be yours, he gives it back.

It is hard, and it is a gamble, and it may well be the hardest thing you do in life and love. But without it, love can not make the world go around my friends. Take down those walls, let go of the sarcasm and cynicism, stop judging him based on other people’s actions, and just….trust him. It’s okay. He’ll like it. I promise. And he will give as good as he gets.

When you are looking for relationship advice that you can actually use to change the way you date, check yourself for these three dating mistakes BEFORE you write in your questions. If you are making them it’s not too late to correct them. It never is. Put yourself in check and watch your dating life turn around. And even if you have still done that work, and still need a little bit of help, we love to hear from you. And don’t be so hard on yourself if you do make a mistake. You’re human. You’re allowed. And if he loves you, he knows that too. Until then, be loved!

How to Get Your Ex Back….When You Feel That Hope is Lost.

I know how difficult the holidays can be when you are missing someone like crazy. Been there. I also know that it is next to impossible to miss someone to the point of heartache during the holidays and be the only person feeling that. Always remember ladies that if you are missing someone like crazy, the chances are all better than not that they are feeling the same way, ESPECIALLY during the holidays. It’s just the way the laws of attraction and love work. The holidays are that one time of year when you remember traditions, people, and everything that is really important to you in life. So it can be a tough time, but you are not alone. This I know.

I get a lot of letters from women that feel this missing period is never going to end. They write in feeling like hope is lost, and asking for anything that can help them stop feeling this way, and feel better. I wouldn’t be here trying to help you with relationship advice and make him miss you if I thought hope was lost for any of you. I firmly believe that love is never lost, it is only ever replaced, but it can always find its way back again.

But I also know how normal it is to feel in that place where it truly does feel like there is no hope, that place where you almost consider moving on. It really stinks! But the truth is, moving on, in your own unique way, is what is absolutely necessary for that love to find its way back to you again. That’s why the No Contact Zone is so important.

The universe has given you a wake up call, angels closing doors as my grandmother would say. Something’s not working and it’s time for a time out. So take it!

It’s the best thing you can do for yourself. And your relationship. You deserve healing time and focusing on the wound is not going to help your case. At all. Ever. No man ever wants to keep hearing about how sorry you are and how you just want to explain to him one last time.

Even if you are the daughter of Mother Theresa and look like Jennifer Aniston, no man is ever going to take you back under those circumstances because the only purpose that serves is constant reminder of the pain. That he caused. He doesn’t want that reminder, he wants to remember you as a sweet girlfriend where things just didn’t work out and it was nobody’s fault.

Trust me, it sucks for him too. But you may be too busy sitting in your own pain and grief to have the fortitude to take the role of the other and just see his side for just a second. It’s hard, I know, I’ve been there. He may be a “man”, but despite the fact that he shows his feelings differently than you do, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them. You just don’t see them the same way you see yours, or your girlfriends. So that’s when you have to watch his reactions to you, especially those after the breakup, and mirror them. That is what you need to do to begin getting back into that sync with him.

When you are trying to get your boyfriend back, the first thing you want to do is whatever you can to fix the situation. But a nasty moment or conversation is probably the reason he broke up with you, so why would you remind him of that as much as you possibly can? What will the end result be?

Driving him away.

But when you make the choice to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find YOU again, you pull away from him just enough to get him to start noticing you are gone. That he isn’t the center of your world anymore. And that you are an awesome amazing person doing all of these awesome amazing things, without him. That’s when he starts to remember what an awesome amazing girlfriend you were too, and those seeds of attraction begin to kernel again.

If there is a true love there and the two of you were meant to be together, the love is never lost. It will always find its way back again. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve seen the prescription roll out for itself, and it’s even happened to me as well. Hope is never lost.

We have a reader who needs some encouragement in this area. Here’s what she has to say:

Hi Michelle,

This is going to be a long one, I hope you can bear with me as I’m in dire need of some good advice from someone who knows a thing or two about relationships, so far, the advice from my friends and relatives isn’t giving me a clear head to look towards the future.

I was with my boyfriend for two years, he was amazing to me in every way, we planned a future together and really loved each other, but there were some problems that kept us from going that extra step, from realizing out full potential as a couple. A little background, we are both 27 years old, we’ve known each other since we were in junior high, we dated when we were 12(junior high sweet hearts), we dated briefly when we were 18 again, and then reconnected when we were both 25 and had a better go at it that time around.

When we initially started dating I had recently gotten out of a 5 year relationship that left me with a lot of bitterness and sadness, I was just starting to pick myself up again when HE, the man I always wondered about came back in my life. It was amazing really, like all starts of a relationship I was filled with hope for the future and he seemed to be very serious about reconnecting and having a relationship with me, my only concern with him was his previous behaviour, having known him since we were 12 years old and dating him a couple times when we were younger, I know a lot about him to say he is unlike any guy I’ve met in a sense that he has a very unique way of handling relationships.

I knew that relationships are hard work, sometimes people fight, sometimes it’s harder to keep it together but when two people know what they want and love each other it can work. But this guy, this guy is different, he’s always gone through phases in his life when if he’s unhappy with his personal life he will neglect his relationship, or if things start to get too hard in a relationship or things aren’t going the way he hoped he will check out and emotionally shut down, i’ve experienced this first hand with him before, but I thought since time passed by and we were older and wiser, that it would be worth a shot with him. Having my own issues about my past relationship also did not make it any better, needless to say I took a chance and decided to try it out. It was great, everything I hoped for and more, but after things started going towards the end of the honey moon phase like all relationships and the arguments started, my own unresolved issues from past relationships came up, his own issues came up, and as soon as we knew it we were fighting over petty things. I broke up with him a couple of times, and he did the same, not really meaning it, but just to prove a point, so we would get back together after a couple of days and things would be good again, until something else came up. This was our cycle, and no matter what, we always fell into the same circle of arguments.

It reached a breaking point when he called me and told me it was over, at first I didn’t believe it, but when it finally sunk it all of the damage I had done to our relationship hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I had sabotaged the relationship by letting my unresolved issues from my past relationship keep me in a bitter state. I realized I wasn’t the same person he had fallen in love with. I regret my behaviour, and this time I have been given a new perspective into what it really means to make a relationship work.

When he broke up with me he told me several things that didn’t give me much hope.
1. Things have changed for him
2. He has been unhappy for a while and doesn’t want to force anything
3. Things don’t flow with us, our personalities don’t mix
4. He would like to be friends but he needs time
5. I didn’t make him feel good about himself
6. He thinks two years is enough time to try
7. He’s not in love with me anymore
8. I’m a great girl, but it’s not working

I asked him if he knew it could work between us if he would be with me,and he said of course he would, this is why I don’t understand why he would say he isn’t in love anymore.

After the break up I blamed everything on myself, I texted him pages and pages of apologies and of things I wouldve done differently. I did this for about two days. I left him alone for another two days then texted him again, but this time as if things were normal, friendly, and just asked him about his day, he replied we exchanged a couple of texts then I left him alone for another couple of days. I began to panic and then resumed to texting him my apologies and my regret for another two days after that. I sent another text a couple of days later telling him that I was going to leave him alone and respect his decision because he had told me that when I text him it makes things harder on him as well. After a few days I couldn’t stop thinking of why he hadn’t given me the benefit of seeing him in person so I texted him just to ask him if he would be willing to meet up with me to discuss some things, he replied saying “we’ll see, but please respect my decision.” After that we texted again, in a friendly manner after i initiated the conversation just asking about trivial things…he replied to my messages about every 40 minutes and we exchanged a few texts. After this I have cut down on the times I’ve texted but still messaged him about once a week to see if he’s free to meet up, every time he will only reply with what he’s doing that week and that he’s busy. He hasn’t told me to move on, he hasn’t flat out told me leave him alone…I decided I will try no contact for good this time for at least a month. I’m getting frustrated thta he hasn’t even been able to give me a face to face to tell him so much of what I wanted to tell him. It’s been 6 weeks since the break up and I think after 2 years it’s the least I deserve. I‘m contemplating writing him a letter because there is so much I need to explain to him about what went wrong and how I see thins now. It hurts so much not being able to tell him or see him….I’m stuck in limbo and hoping the NC will still work and I haven’t done too much damage.

Once again I’ve highlighted what I think are the most important sections of the letter, the ones that speak volumes about what should happen next. Dear Reader, put down the cell phone immediately. Put it in the freezer if you have to. Do not send one more text.

You are doing exactly what I just mentioned above is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. You are reminding him of the pain over and over again to get your own ease of guilt from this situation, and you aren’t making him miss you at all. In fact, he’s even out right told you that hearing from you is painful, and yet you keep doing it.

What does that do? It sends the message to him that what he needs isn’t as important as what you need. I know that sucks to hear, but we’ve all done it, so don’t feel like I’m singling you out. If this wasn’t a problem global to the female human race I wouldn’t even print the letter. I would go find a letter that was. We have ALL been the Operations Commander of the text wars, no question about it. But as you know, that is not getting him closer to you, so why would you even consider that? Or better yet, a letter that is carefully written that will be written proof to him for years to come of all of the mistakes that you made in the relationship?

Don’t do it. He gets it. He is not blameless here. If you are taking ownership of all of your stuff, then he is sitting there trying to find a way not to have to take ownership of his stuff too. And that place is not the one that is going to have him crawling back to you. You need to make him miss you to achieve that goal. But as I have said it time and time again, he can’t miss you if he keeps hearing from you.

But you, definitely are not in the hope is lost category. You gave me about 15 different reasons for that in your own letter. You haven’t been dating him for 2 years either by the way. By my calculations it looks closer to 15. Okay give or take some breaks and some coming back togethers, three times already, but this has been going on for 15 years. That is some solid history.

But, getting him back is not going to be helped by reminding him about pain. Reminding him about the good history you have will help, you just can’t do it right away. You NEED to take at LEAST a 30 day No Contact Period, my recommendation is 60 though. Or maybe squeeze it out 45. Can we do No Contact until Valentine’s Day? Then surprise him with something sweet and flirty on Valentine’s Day and take it from there?

I think if you can spend some time on you for a while, do the things you like to do when you are single, and the time will fly. It will be a fun thing to look forward to, and it will definitely make him start to wonder what you’ve been up to. Then he will hear from you after a while, see this sweet, sexy Valentiney thing in his email one day, and he will begin to remember the awesome. Trust me. This is precisely how I landed the sweet gem I am with right now. But it’s not even been close to 15 years for us, so you have a serious advantage here.

Also remember, the two of you together have created the history that you CAN get back together. You already have proven, at least twice by my count, that you keep coming back to each other. There’s a reason for that. And yes you should explore it. But, it’s been 15 years. 45 days of salon time and yoga classes and shopping for a new wardrobe to pick you up isn’t going to suck, is it?

You definitely should not feel like hope is lost. You can get your ex boyfriend back, if you make him miss you. Put down the phone, do not send a letter, do nothing until some serious time has passed. It won’t be easy. Keep writing in and we will help support you through this.

I’ve got a good feeling about this okay, so please do keep us posted! Readers! Did I miss anything? Drop your comments in the box below and let’s help our friend get through this tough time. Always remember dear Readers, no matter how sad things may seem right now, everything is only for a season. Hope your holiday season is beautiful, and bright! Until next year friends : )

Dating Advice For Women Dating a Divorced Man

I say this so often on this column, but it bears repeating over and over again. When it comes to dating, times they have a changed. We now live in a day and age where divorce is at a 50% rate, which means all of the people that were taken out of the dating pool a few years ago, are now back in the dating pool. Which means, more divorced people are dating. Which means, and I know this sounds almost too obvious but I’m going to say it anyway, the chances of you dating someone that is divorced is greater today than it ever has been before. And as many of you have discovered, dating a divorced man is no easy bag of apples. And mind you, dating a divorced woman isn’t either. But that’s not what today’s post is about. Today’s column is going to provide relationship advice for women navigating these murky waters.

We have a question from a reader that is very heavily involved with a divorced man. This is just one perfect example of many of the experiences that many of you are going through right now. When it comes to dating a single and not divorced man, you have enough issues to contend with. But what about if he’s divorced? You add an ex-wife into the mix, children, assets, finances, and so much more. So, even though these problems aren’t your problems when you enter the relationship, when you become a couple with a divorced man, they become your problems.

But why you say?

Well, relationship problems don’t change status just because someone’s marital problems do.

Let’s say you are dating a single, non divorced man and have been involved with him for months. Long enough to fall in love and start talking about things like getting married, having kids, buying a home, you know, all of the usual things people talk about when they are moving on to the next level of their relationship. Then bam, he loses his job, and all of these hopes and dreams seem so much farther away.

Does that mean that he’s the wrong person for you and you need to give up and move on? Does that mean that you say, sorry sweetie, but that’s your problem and I am out of here.

Well, that does actually happen, but not to people that truly love each other. The same thing when you are dating a divorced man. His problems unfortunately DO become your problems, and if you truly love him, you will stick with him through and through until you can sort them out together.

These types of things are precisely what our reader today is concerned about. Let’s see what she has to say.

I’m feeling confused, and lost when last week my boyfriend asked to end our relationship, otherwise he will lose his kids. I was dating with a man for a year and 8 months. It was a secret dating. He showed me the divorce papers indicating he officially divorced his ex ten years ago, but he came back with his ex mainly to take care of 3 kids together. However, they were legally divorced from 2002 and never re-married. He said his kids need to have both mom and dad since they are still minors.s Honestly he still has a feeling for her until the day he met me. I trust him and be willing to wait for him whenever he is ready to tell his kids about our relationship.

Back in Jan 2012, his ex found out our relationship and she told the kids about our relationship. All three kids turn their backs with their daddy and treated my boyfriend like a dead man in his house. He made the decision to move out and started a new life with me. I know for sure he loves me truly almost last 2 years. He visited my family often. He took my niece and nephew hanging out over the weekends. Especially, when we started living together from Jan 2012, he always takes care good of me and together plan our family life (we will buy a house, having a baby soon, taking his mom to live with us, taking me out every weekend….). I know he is sincere and really want a new life with me. He still provides the child support adequate for his kids.

He is willing to give up all the equity of the house together with cars he bought for his ex and his sons. He wanted to make his ex happy with all the assets he left for her and kids. He thought as long as he did not take any assets, property, his ex and his kids will be happy and let him go. Last week, his ex called him and alleged him how horrible daddy he was and how bad person he was… He was totally emotional and going crazy. I never saw him in that mood. Two days later, he talked to me that he needed some space and focus on his kids. He was informed his kids have a lot of issues with laws and drug from the day he moved out. I know he is feeling guilty for what happened with his kids. I agreed and moved out because I love him that much. I don’t want to put more burden on his shoulder.

However last week, he texted me he has to end our relationship, otherwise his kids won’t want to see him again if he continues to live with me. I totally don’t understand how quickly he made the decision to break up with me. I know he is not thinking straight now since he feels guilty for what happened to his kids. I sent him a lengthy email to let him know my thoughts, and I am willing to give me 6 months to settle in with his kids. I told him I just want to be loyal with my feelings and my love for him. After 6 months, if he still don’t want me back, I will move on. Honestly I love him very much and want him back, but I am afraid his kids will do the bad things if he insists telling them he loves me and wants living with me for the rest of his life, finally he has to give up on me and keep his kids. Could you give me an advice what I should do in this situation?

I see many letters where you lovely ladies talk about how much you know he loves you and would never hurt you, and then you tell me about the dirtbag things he does to you and want me to help you figure out how to get your ex back after all of these things. My first inclination as many of you regular readers know is to say, sometimes it’s not about getting him back, it’s about learning how to say goodbye.

This is not one of those times. I do not even know this man and if everything our reader is telling us is true, he is worth his weight in gold. He hasn’t done anything wrong in the grand scheme of things. She hasn’t done anything wrong either. This is just one of those sticky situations where life in itself has thrown this relationship a serious curve ball and they are trying to figure it out.

Dear lost and confused, I repeat, you did everything right. Moving out, and sending him communication about your feelings and your place in this was the right thing to do, absolutely. When there are kids in the mix, the parent absolutely has to put them first.

However. If he had come to me for advice on you, I might have suggested he do things a little bit differently. So, taking that cue what I will tell you is, how to communicate with him to suggest that maybe doing things a little differently will change the two of you and the course of your relationship.

Clearly his ex-wife played a very large role in your breakup, whether it looks that way or not right now. In essence, she is at home clapping her jealous hands with glee that she has succeeded in manipulating him to do what she wants. She did the wrong thing. No woman, or man for that matter, has any business putting their kids in the middle of relationships. And no woman, or man, has any business letting their kids decide what happens in their romantic affairs. Do you see where I’m going with this?

What she did was the wrong thing to do, no question, but in essence, he did the same thing by letting the kids decide if he was going to stay with you. That was not the best choice on his part. Your relationship is none of their business. They have no say in it. The only time I ever think it’s a good idea for two people to break up because the kids are being hurt is if the kids are actually being hurt. Physically or emotionally. And by that I mean, the kids are emotionally abused over the dating relationship, being treated badly by the other person, or being physically or emotionally scarred by the other person. A recent dating advice answer I gave speaks to this nature, where the man was being nasty to a special needs child.

But hurt feelings because daddy has moved on with someone else is not a valid reason for a breakup. What does he think is going to happen? That he will stay single all of his life because his ex wife fed the kids garbage about every woman that he dates? If she did it with the two of you, she will do it with every other woman that he dates. That’s not fair to him, or you, or the kids even.

You did the right thing by leaving and becoming one less burden for him. And I truly believe that when he made the decision to leave you that he thought he was doing what was best for everyone as well. But both of you got the shaft here and that’s just plain wrong. If you two were truly meant to be together, the best advice I can give you if you want to learn how to get your boyfriend back is to…..show him this column. Show him the cold hard truth that he is being swindled by a bitter ex wife who is manipulating his happiness, long after the divorce papers have been signed.

She has no recourse on his dating life anymore, the divorce papers prove that. She has no right to stand in the way of him and anyone. And the kids don’t either. He needs to get a backbone with her about it, and he needs to get a backbone with his kids too. Gently remind him that HE is the parent, HE makes the rules, HE decides who he dates and if she or they don’t like it, too bad. The custody agreement I am sure by this point is already in place, she has no recourse in preventing him from moving on with his life, and she should be ashamed of what she has done.

Sometimes divorced parents forget this, because they know their kids are in enough emotional turmoil already and will do anything they can to keep their kids happy. But he deserves to be happy too. And so do you. I would love to hear how this one pans out, as I love to hear follow ups from each of my readers. I know your letter came in a while ago and I was not able to get to it right away, so please drop me a note and let me know where things stand now, or what choices you have made in the way of this situation. Until then, readers, chime in your thoughts and let’s support Ms. Lost and Confused. Good luck, and PLEASE keep us posted!

Relationship Advice for Women Dealing With The Player

Back in the good ole days, relationships were pretty cut and dry. Oh women swooned and sang songs about being hopelessly devoted to someone who wasn’t giving it their all, there’s no question about that. They were confused in their own right, but their confusion just wasn’t the same as ours is today. Today, there are advice columns in every newspaper for women that are hopelessly devoted to someone that is not giving it their all, and today, we have millions more ways for men to confuse women. So many, that the term “players” has been coined for those men that keep women on the yo-yo. This is the topic we are covering in today’s column on relationship advice for women. Players. The easiest tip I can provide is to just…cut them loose. But it’s much more complicated than that when our hearts are in the mix, isn’t it?

See, here’s the little secret that players don’t want you to know. As long as you keep going back to them, they will keep playing you. Whether their intentions are real or not, they will always, always, always keep playing you.

Many of you are already saying, back right up there, lady. Players do not have honest intentions.

Not true. Some do. But some are so wrapped up in their own baggage, that they think and feel and want the same love that we do, they just don’t know how to do it right. Then along comes this sweet, innocent girl, who thinks they can change their insecurities into something beautiful, and develop a love that will last a lifetime.

That’s just not going to happen. When you are dealing with players, no matter what their intentions are, they are never going to change until they make that choice for themselves. They will never figure out how to do it right, until they make that choice for themselves. Unless you are a Ph.D. and have them on your couch once a week, you can’t help them change themselves. No matter how full your heart is with love for them.

This is today’s reader’s question. She sent a rather detailed and lengthy letter on the subject, with the bottom line of her question being, “How do I get him to stop playing me?” Let’s have a look and break it down. As usual, I have bolded the necessary items.

My boyfriend (unbeknown to me at the time) has been really keen on me since we met at school. We had no contact for over 20 years then found each other online. He said he had never stopped thinking about me over the years. He has had some terrible experiences in his life (parents divorce hit him hard, homeless at 16, raped by someone at school and later in life by a stranger, as well as some mental health problems). He also has 4 children by 3 different mums. He has had trouble accessing any of them despite trying, but for no clear reason from what I can see. Unfortunately, he is very insecure and never thinks he is good enough for me. He struggles with anxiety and is upset about the difficulties in arranging contact to see his youngest. We have only been together since November, but it was an immediate attraction and most of the time we get on well. He was keen to see me as much as possible and had great plans for the future.

Unfortunately, when the slightest thing happens, he can’t deal with it and leaves. He then says he’s not good enough for me or that he feels pressured. I have a responsible job and my own house and he does not work or have his own house. He keeps disappearing to his friend’s house as he can’t cope with things. His ex has stopped him seeing the baby, but doesn’t seem to mind when she knows he isn’t with anyone. He doesn’t want to go back with her but misses his baby a lot.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a lot of patience with my children. My youngest is mildly autistic and my 14 year old is going through the typical teenager stage. He is controllable but grunts a bit and isn’t forthcoming with help. He is polite and friendly to strangers but has an attitude at times at home. I have a structure of discipline in place which I usually feel is successful, but my boyfriend feels that my son should speak nicely to me all of the time and should want to help for love not pocket money. I think this is a bit unrealistic so this causes us a bit of an issue.

Unfortunately, I don’t cope well with being run out on or ignored as this makes me feel insecure and I panic and get very upset. The children’s dad was physically and emotionally abusive and I struggle when I don’t know what is happening in a relationship now. Unfortunately, I have had two further relationships since I split up with the children’s dad nearly 7 years ago which have been emotionally draining and my feelings didn’t seem to matter until I stopped chasing after them when they left. I do wonder if because I am such a rational and calm person usually if any partners discover my Achilles heal (being left and ignored) then they act on it as it provokes a reaction in me. I need to stop the cycle somehow if this is the case. Is it me? Or is it coincidence?

I do want my current relationship to work. We both love and miss each other and there is no one else involved romantically. I would love it to work between us but feel at the moment that I am trying to bend over backwards for him whilst he is wrapping himself up in protection. I am upset whenever he walks out and try to contact him repeatedly. The last time he left was 3 days ago and sometimes his texts are loving and other times they are quite cold or he ignores me. I know he isn’t intentionally playing games but feel like he has learnt to protect himself too much. I have suggested counselling for self esteem issues and have bought him books. He says he will do it then says he’s not sure he needs it.

I really want us to live happily ever after as despite this it feels so right for both of us. But this inconsistency isn’t doing me any good. Please give me your advice?

Here is my first area of concern, dear Reader. Your children. As a mother, it pains me to see you wanting to be involved with a man who does not treat your children right. This is no brainer dating advice for women 101. A man that does not treat your children well is not the guy for you. You have a history of emotional abuse in your life, and by trying to stay with this man, you are going to continue that cycle. And what, one of your child has special needs? And are you STILL considering going back to this guy? Many other readers are shaking their heads sadly for you right now, dearest Reader.

Before I say anything else about this relationship (and I use that term loosely), let me give you a little wake up call. As their mother, it is your job to protect your children at all costs. No matter what. No matter what. No matter what.

That means, no matter what your own needs are in this present moment. Or in any future moments. A man that does not treat a special needs child well, is CERTAINLY not going to make any efforts to treat his mother well either.

You also tell us that he has four children by several different mothers. That again should tell you that his respect for women is on the low end of things. And all you are doing by staying with him is teaching him that it is okay to disrespect you the same way that he has disrespected all of the baby mama’s before you. If he respected at least one of them, my bet is that he would still be with her in an effort to do right by his children, right by their mother. But he didn’t make that choice, did he? So what epic defining moment in his life has happened that you think warrants the belief that he is going to make that choice with you??

There isn’t any epic moment for you to refer to, and there won’t be until he does meet that Ph.D. and do the couch time.

Now, onto you for a minute. I will tell you that the reason you are putting up with this is because you have a history of abuse. You have been sadly taught by other men that it is okay to be treated this way. That you deserve a “just enough” approach to love. That you have earned the methods of being treated poorly in love. So, being brainwashed in that by the father of your children, you are allowing other men to do the same thing.

I am here to tell you, and our readers are here to tell you, that’s all a lie. You deserve better. Period. And the only way you are going to break that cycle is by pulling up your socks and not allowing others to treat you that way any more. I know that you can do it, you already did it with the father of your children. You said, that is not okay and you nipped it in the bud. You can do it again.

If you want to know how to get your boyfriend back, that’s what you have to do. But honestly, I wouldn’t even touch this one until he HAS done the couch time. It is not your job to change his insecurities. If your love isn’t enough for him to overcome his insecurities, it is never going to be enough, until he gets the help he needs.

BUT you say….. “I know he isn’t intentionally playing games but feel like he has learnt to protect himself too much.”

That’s where you are wrong. He IS intentionally playing games with him, because you’ve taught him he can keep coming back to you after his childish behavior. Now you need to teach him new lessons in love. That this behavior is anything but okay.

I KNOW how desperately you want to live happily ever after. We ALL want that. But your happily ever after is not with this guy, until he changes his ways and really starts putting you first. And when a man is dating a woman with children, how he shows that he puts her first is by putting her kids first. He hasn’t done that. So why are you letting another emotionally abusive man in your life?

For this woman, and all other women reading the story about the player who keeps toying with her emotions by feeding her his insecurities, please please listen. The best dating advice for women in this situation is to cut him loose. When you do that, it sends him the message that he isn’t good enough for you, that you are worth more.

One of two things will happen, both in your favor.

1.) He will realize he is not good enough for you, realize that he is madly in love with you, realize that if he wants you in his life he needs to change, and then he will go out and change his life to become the man that you deserve.

2.) He will not realize any of those things and storm out of your life in a huff because you, like all of the other women in his life, wouldn’t put up with his childish behavior. This will then empower you with the realization that you are in charge of your destiny and that you are better off without him, freeing you up to open your life for the love and the man that you truly deserve.

What do you think, readers? Did I miss something? For any of you that have experiences with similar situations, please drop ‘em in the comments to support our reader who clearly needs to see the light at the end of this tunnel. I would love to hear your updates on this, so please, drop me a note in the comments or send me a message and let me know what you decided to do here. Remember, girl power, YOU are in control of your children, your love life, and your own romantic destiny. So take charge! And keep us posted!

How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back When You Are Dealing With Mixed Signals Guy

There are enough issues on the road to life, love, and happiness, that even when you are presented with the black and white of it, it can still be pretty confusing. But when you are given the grey matter in your daily matters, life can seem nothing short of chaotic. Unfortunately, when it comes to matters of the heart, very few things come to us in black and white. Wouldn’t it be absolutely wonderful if we were given black and white roadmap when dealing with our love affairs? If he says this, he means this. If he does this, he meant that. Of course it would, but we, as humans, don’t really work that way. Although this could be a big complaint in the world of romance, if we did work that way, life would be really, really boring. At the same time however, human behavior as grey as it can be sometimes, can be pretty predictable as well. That’s why many of the methods I discuss for those wanting to know relationship advice for mixed signals guy really work. Because of that predictable nature of human relationship.

Today I am going to address a reader’s concern on how to deal with things when things don’t seem so predictable. Many of you write in talking about the same guy. No, I’m not saying you are all dating the same man. But many of you are all dating the same type of guy. You know the guy. If you haven’t dated him yet, you may well before you find The One. His name? Mixed Signals Guy. Nothing aggravates me more than when I am dating a guy that says one thing, and does another, and that’s exactly the trademark of Mixed Signals Guy. We have a reader dealing with one, and let’s look at her problem and get to the brass tax of it. Here’s what she says:

I was dating my boyfriend for 6 months and we literally had the time of our lives together. We always made each other happy and he was very respectful and I loved it! Then I had surgery done and he disappeared after that and never spoke to me till 3 months later. When he spoke to me yea I was bitchy because he made a douchebag move but he let everything out. At this moment we are friends and it’s been 7 months since we last dated. We’ve tried to talk(date) again but it didn’t work out as how we wanted it to. He ended up becoming really busy with work and just said that he’s too busy for a girl right now. Alright, that’s fine. He also said he doesn’t want each other to try forcing to make this relationship work and in the future whatever happens,happens. And I completely agreed with him.

I see him twice a week at the same spot and he always talks to me like how he would when we were dating and he always touches me like my leg and biting me an stuff just to mess around. He walked me out to my car yesterday and we ended up hooking up (just making out) and I didn’t want to and I wanted to stop so badly and tell him this isn’t what we should be doing we both agreed not to do this. It was just very awkward. So I texted him later and was like what was that and he said Idk. And I was just texting him like you can’t keep doing this and he’s like I like you but I don’t want a relationship. Okkkkkkk so if u like me and don’t want a relationship why would you do that. He said he cares but sometimes his actions take over. Alright sooooooo what do I do. We still have light feelings for each other and I don’t want to let him go. Hes a great guy.

What do you think, ladies? This one at first glance is actually a bit of a no brainer. I know the reader in question doesn’t necessarily agree, because she’s in the middle of it. We’ve all been in that middle, trying to figure out why he’s saying one thing and doing another. But the truth is, he’s actually being a lot clearer than our dear reader wants to admit.

We’ve all been there.

But when it comes to relationship advice for women that are dealing with Mixed Signals Guy, my advice is always, agree with him, thank him, and move on your merry way. See, this is where that handy little tip of, you teach people how to treat you goes a very long way. Right now our reader is teaching him that it’s okay to keep walking all over her like this, when the truth is, it isn’t. How do we know this? Because she has accepted the yo-yoing back and forth and not given him the boundaries she needs to feel secure in this relationship.

I’m going to translate some of his mixed signals for you.

“I like you, but I don’t want a relationship.”

What he’s saying is, I like you, and I don’t really have anyone else that I like more in my life right now, so I want whatever I can get from you right now….without a commitment.

“I care, I definitely do, but sometimes my actions take over and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Dear reader, is he 4? Because 4 year olds don’t have the developed neocortexes that adults have, and they do act impulsively and honestly can’t help it. If you are dating a 4 year old, stop. If you aren’t, tell him to grow up. He is a grown man with a mind of his own and absolutely can stop what he is doing if he knows it is going to hurt you. Which he does know, or he wouldn’t be giving you these lame excuses.

You say, “We still have light feelings for each other and I don’t want to let him go.”

Here is my translation of your statement, dearest reader. “I really like him, and don’t really know where he stands with me, and I am afraid that if I don’t let him go and pursue other options that I won’t find any other options and I will have let go the one guy that at least liked me a little.”

Ring true for you? We’ve all said that, felt that, experienced that. But the truth of the matter is, when you translate your own fears, you see the cold hard truth. You are settling with this guy.

The truth is, you deserve a guy that is screaming from the mountains, I’m crazy about her! I can’t get enough of her!! I want to be with her and only her!

What you DON’T deserve, is being fully invested in something when the guy is responding with, “I love making out with her! I love hooking up with her! I am crazy about the fact that I finally met someone who is letting me have my cake and eat it too!”

You also mention that he’s a great guy. While I don’t know him personally, I am going to disagree with you on this one based on the information you have provided. Great guys do not leave their girlfriends hanging for three months after they had surgery. If he did that to you once, he will do that to you again. Do you really want to wait for that to happen when you are engaged or married?

Does this situation make more sense to you?

The next time he slips up and tries to lose control of his actions, nip him in the bud. If you truly want to get your boyfriend back and in a loving and much more committed way, you need to show him and explain to him that the only way to do that is to make you his own.

The next time this happens, and you are texting him telling him this is unfair, wait for his response. It will look exactly like the first one. “I am happy with no commitment, and if you want to keep making out with me, you have to be happy with that too.”

Your response needs to sound like, “Okay great, thanks for spelling things out for me. Been great hanging with you but truthfully, I’m looking for something more. I do think you’re great, a great kisser even, but I need more. I know you care about me and want me to be happy, so I am going to go look for my happy. Let me know if a relationship is ever something you’re into, and if I’m free, I will let you know. You know how it is, in the future, whatever happens, happens, right? Until then, best of luck.”

I guarantee you his eyes will pop open very wide as soon as he sees that message.

What do you think dear readers? Did I miss something? This is one of those situations where you need to remember that YOU, not HE, is in control of your relationship and romantic affairs. So take your power back, and teach him how to treat you. Good luck, and please do keep us posted!!

Relationship Advice When Your Man Has PTSD

Well, let’s hit another tough topic today shall we? As I’ve said, all of them are tough. But this particular issue is hitting America in volumes that are less than comfortable. Today’s topic? How to get him back when your man has PTSD. This topic is sort of a partner to a previous topic, how to get back together with someone that has a mental health diagnosis. I mentioned in that column just how common that is. When it comes to PTSD, it’s even more common.

How common is PTSD?

Before I started answering this question today, I took a little journey over to the National Institute of Mental Health to see just how common this problem is. It is a problem that as you read this right now, PTSD is affecting 7.7 million Americans.

That’s a LOT. The greatest comfort you can take from this is that, whoever you know that is struggling with this is not alone. But when you consider suicide to be one of the “side effects” of PTSD, it’s not a comforting number at all. This important fact about PTSD is why I’ve chosen to cover mental health again for all of you, because I know if it is affecting one reader, it is affecting many.

One of our readers is in love with a man who has PTSD. Before I get to her question, let me tell you something about this disorder, and about any mental health disorder really. When someone is struggling psychologically, they are very difficult to understand. They seem illogical at times, irrational at others, and just plain psychotic when they are at their very worst.

So easy to write these guys off and say, “Good luck with that!”

But for some, not so easy. When you are carrying their child or have a ring on your finger and made promises to them, there is nothing easy at all about it.

You can and you will spend hours and days and months crying about this, and wondering what you can do to help them get their heads straight. The cold hard truth is that YOU alone can not do anything. You can do SOME things, but you alone will not be able to heal them. Without you, their journey of healing may be tougher, there is no question about that. But what happened to them is NOT your fault, and is a problem that is bigger than you are able to handle.

The other thing you need to realize when you are going in and about your every day with them is that….they process things differently than you do. For example, they may freak out or melt down when they hear thunder booming, or fireworks across the street, or any little thing that is their own unique PTSD trigger. This kind of thing could destroy their day. What are they going to do? Take it out on you.

But he’s not going to say, “I am freaking out because that noise reminded me of a roadside bomb that killed my best friend.”

Instead, he’s going to freak out and have a meltdown, and when you walk into the room it will sound like, “Why aren’t the freaking dishes done already? Where the hell is my dinner? What the hell have you been doing all day?? For god’s sake woman can’t you do anything right? I go out to fight for this country and you have done absolutely NOTHING to show any respect! What were you doing all that time I was gone anyway?? Who were you with? I sacrificed so much and THIS is how you thank me??”

It doesn’t make sense to you right? You are left feeling hurt and responsible, and it doesn’t even occur to you that he’s not processing things properly and that this isn’t your fault. He’s not processing things in the same way that someone who didn’t have to make all of those sacrifices would be.

That’s because he’s not that other person, and he’s sick. And he needs help. Help that you alone can not provide.

Does that mean your relationship is doomed?

No. It just means that you need to be redirected towards the tools that will help repair it. Think of it this way. If you bought a car that you fell in love with, but it made a squeal every time you hit a speed bump, what would you do?

Would you give it away and get a new car because you couldn’t understand this problem?

Of course you wouldn’t. And you wouldn’t do that with the love of your life either. Instead, you would take him somewhere to get help, find out what is really causing the squeal, and hang in there with him until the squeal stops showing up, or shows up less and less and less.

Let’s go to our reader’s question today. Her biggest question is how to get him back, or even if she can get him back, after he’s been diagnosed with PTSD. I’m going to call her “Faith”.

Here’s what Faith wrote in, once again I’ve highlighted key points to take away.

My current ex and I were in and off for a year. He’s an army veteran and he has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He is also very skeptical of anything remotely good and pleasant in his life, but overall, he was a great, sweet boyfriend… The day I told him I told him I’m pregnant, he said that he wants a paternity test when the baby is born which was a slap in the face to me. I’ve always been what you would call “sexually shy” and I despise the idea of “flings” and he knew that practically since day one and yet he dumped me a couple of days later for “cheating” on him.

His “evidence” was a sincere letter I had written to a friend he and I shared that passed away. That friend happened to be a guy by the way. The whole break up was a total nightmare and I could never repeat the things he said to me. Long story, short, he blamed me for the relationship falling apart. He said that he’ll stick around to be the father, but I’m seven months along and he won’t bother to come visit at all. He got a new girlfriend a week or two after the breakup. I told him that I need to meet her if she’s going to be around the baby and he refuses.

I know him well enough that he doesn’t like the fact that I’m pregnant so he made up a different excuse to be mad about and he’s just with this girl till I deliver the baby and he gets his paternity test. He says that he doesn’t want to be involved with me, only the baby, but he has repeatedly tried to convince me to “get my rocks off” and the last time I did see him, he was all cuddly (that was about two months ago). I know he still gives a damn, but he thinks he can hide it. Recently, he did text me and ask me how I was doing and what I was up to, which was odd to me.. At the most, I talk to him once, maybe twice a week.Any tips to help get his head straight?

This is one of those questions that offers more hope than others, even if it doesn’t feel that way to you right now, Faith. You’ve said a lot of great things about this guy, even though you are clearly frustrated. “Overall, great sweet boyfriend.” You’ve mentioned that he still checks in on you, that he’s cuddly, and that he’s even passed on a few innuendos on occasion. As far as I’m concerned, all green lights for this relationship.

If you want my gut instinct hunch that I received when I was reading your letter, Faith, as soon as that paternity test comes back as his baby, you won’t need to write me letters any more because you will be happy and in your mommy bliss…with the man that you love. Of course, I hope you do come back and continue to help our readers with your experiences, but you won’t have a broken relationship anymore. I may be wrong, but about these kinds of things, I seldom am.

Why do I say this? Because there’s nothing bad about this guy. You said so yourself. He has some jealousy and insecurity issues obviously. Any man that would ask you to get a paternity test without probable cause is jealous and insecure. But you have to remember, he processes things differently.

It is very difficult for him to see anything good in his life right now, because he is an Army Veteran and has seen the worst of the worst in terms of the sanctity of human existence. Once someone is traumatized by something they have experienced or witnessed, it takes years for them to overcome that one image or that one experience and believe that there IS good in the world. He will realize that however, with the right help, and the right slow and steady journey from you, see the good in the world. And, since there’s a new baby on the way, miracles will become more believable to him sooner than you might think. You can’t ever stop remembering that the way he processes things right now has nothing to do with YOU, and everything to do with what happened to him AFTER he took that long flight to who knows where into the middle of war not that long ago. How can you remind yourself of this?

Put yourself in his shoes.

On top of the trauma and destruction and havoc that war wreaks on someone’s brain wires, think about this. If you went away for 18 months and had to leave him for that long, wouldn’t you have some of your own insecurities about how he passed his time as well? What if you ran across a letter that he wrote to some other woman while you were gone? You would question him, no matter how much you love him, wouldn’t you?

The answer is yes, because we ALL would. That’s normal. Outside of his PTSD, there is nothing abnormal or wrong with this guy. The girl he is with now? You said so yourself. He’s just with her to pass the time until he sees the black and white DNA results.

If he’s texting you, he’s thinking about you.

You also said he is still texting you. If he was in love with her, whether you were carrying his baby or not, he wouldn’t be doing that.

You also asked, “Any tips to help get his head straight?”

For that, my advice is, get him to a doctor that he can see regularly to help him cope with his PTSD until or after the baby is born. You can’t get his head straight. And from what I have seen, you are doing just fine handling things on your own right now.

You however, may want to work on getting your head straight. NOT saying there is something messed up with you, but merely suggesting that you turn your head away from your own pain and problems, and look directly at his and the truth that he is showing you. That truth is that he IS struggling with something, and that he DOES care enough about you to keep checking in on you, and that you KNOW he still “gives a damn”.

So give him a chance to give a damn, without judging him for his actions that are in all likelihood caused by his mental health struggles. You don’t need to and you shouldn’t be texting him all of the time to see how he is or ask whatever excuse you come up with. But you can give him a tremendous gift by giving him some space, and drawing close to him when he draws close to you the next time he texts you. He will realize at one point that this girl he is with right now is not the one that has stood by him through thick and thin.   I can assure you, he is not in love with a person that he took into his life one week after he broke up with the mother of his child.  And when he takes that bundle of joy into his arms for the first time, he will see you in an entirely different way. THIS I promise.

What do you do next?

The best relationship advice I can give you right now, Faith, is, hang in there. That’s why I changed your name to Faith. Every time you feel that baby kick, remember that he IS with you, more than it feels on those dark hours. Take care of YOU for the next two months, and by doing so, you will in some way be taking care of all three of you. Your child is the most important thing in your life right now, and the rest, from the sounds of it, will fall into place sooner than later.
We wish you the best of luck, and are eagerly waiting your update!!! Readers, drop some notes in the comments to wish our Faith well until we hear from her again!

Relationship Advice for Women That Can’t See The Not So Subtle Signs of Abuse

Today’s topic is a tough one. Oh, they’re all tough. From mental health issues to paternity tests there is no easy answer for any love dilemma. But the toughest ones for me to read are the ones where abuse is so obvious to the rest of the world, but not so much to the poor ladies that suffer with this every single day. Many of you women write in on this very topic and I wish I could answer them all. Today we are going to cover this topic and I hope and pray that those of you who have not had a letter answered yet will take note! Here is a very common question I get, “I think he’s abusive and I want to know how to get him back. Help!”

That’s pretty much the gist of today’s question, and I’m here to say, let that fish go sweetheart. See, the unfortunate thing is that most of these questions do not even use the word abuse, which suggests to me that you poor women don’t even realize that it’s happening. It doesn’t have to be hitting or slamming or slapping or punching for it to be abuse. If a man is not treating you with dignity and respect, and is hitting or slamming or slapping or punching your emotional heart strings without any concern for your emotional welfare, it’s abuse. Period. You don’t need to know how to get him back, you need to know how to move on, heal, and find the man that will give you the dignity and respect you so deserve.

The problem is that we don’t think highly enough of ourselves to even admit when he’s behaving oh so wrong. A mean word here or there, hey, it happens in the throes of fighting. But when this is happening every single day of your relationship, you need to get out. There is no length of No Contact Zone that will save your relationship, unless he experiences some heavy therapy before you even consider taking him back.

Today’s reader, I am going to call her Angel. Let’s look at her story, one that I know is all too familiar with many of you.

Hi,I hope you can help me sort out things..my situation is very hard and even I can’t understand why things are like this now..First my bf is like a hard to get guy, I can’t ask questions, I can’t ask where he’s going or whom he is with…he always said it’s a business matter and I should not question him.

We’re living together but when he’s angry with me he will always have this habit of slapping me that I don’t have the right to ask him anything even if he comes home with a woman or [sleeps with] all the women he wants…It hurts you know, even sometimes those things make me paranoid..

We had some serious problems and some of it was my mistake..wrong decisions and it affected him..He doesn’t trust me with anything anymore because of my fault, but we’re still living together…But sometimes he wants me to look up for my own place..I’m just at home and running errands for him….then last month he said he will have a visitor from his family so I have to look up for a place to stay..Then when I found a place after a week he broke up with me..he said he doesn’t like my attitude that always asking things that he doesn’t like….I can’t help but txt or call him because ,he promised me he will call and txt me, but if I dont txt or call he won’t remember me..

Then, I beg him to meet me because I miss him so much. He agreed and we watched movie..then while eating he told me there’s no relatives coming to the house he just wanted me to learn something being away with him,..he said I can always go back whenever I want so I decided to go back that night too…then on his laundry there a used clothes like a sign that someone made love..and I asked him, he said it’s a man thing because he missed me but it’s strange ….

I hope u get what I mean…I’m 2 weeks now back here on his house, but last night, I saw an email on his laptop..I mean on a notepad..it broke my heart..he’s flirting with someone..I txted him and told him about it..He told me I should go back to my house and I am imagining things that there is us…and he doesn’t look forward for us to stay longer..

My world stop last night with the SMS. I replied to him and asked why he lead me on and asked me to start a family, thats why I came back …and he didn’t reply me…but I’m still here. I didn’t talk to him today and he didn’t make a move to talk to me…

I hope you can help me with what’s the best thing to do..

I love him so much but I don’t know why he’s like this? Do you think he loves me?
thanks in advance.

More power.

Let’s break this down. I am not going to go line by line, as you can see I’ve bolded some of the “areas of concern” to me. Angel says, I can’t do this, I can’t do that, I don’t have this right, I don’t have that right, and the list is quite lengthy and goes on and on. She also mentions that this person who has the audacity to call himself a man has this “habit of slapping me”. That to me is the most disturbing, however, I do need to say, even without that, this is an abusive man.

An abusive man is one that doesn’t need to hit to be abusive. He is manipulative, controlling, narcissistic, and will ALWAYS put his own needs before hers. When his words don’t work, he uses his hands to get the message across. For this couple, he calls the shots in every single area. He has even tried to break up with her, but clearly has a difficult time finding a woman that will put up with these antics, so he “lets” Angel come back into his life when he is lacking what he needs in a relationship. Which essentially is servitude and an obedient woman who will shut up and do what he says and do what he wants with whoever he wants without giving him flack.

That is not okay. That is not a healthy relationship. And if you do get him back for good, the only thing that you can guarantee for yourself is that these problems are going to continue, and get worse.

When an abusive man finds a woman who will let him get away with one little thing, he loves it. He starts stripping away her rights one by one until she does exactly what he wants, when he wants. Then, because he feeds on power and manipulation, this one little thing will not be enough. So he will escalate to another bigger thing. First she can’t ask where he is going and who he is with. Once he’s satisfied that he has controlled her in this way, he will escalate that to blame shifting. “Well, you did something in the past so now I can’t trust you and you deserve everything that I give to you now.” Pretty soon, she has no rights left and she has no idea how this happened to her.

She, having absolutely no self worth left to call her own, takes it. When that has worked well for him, he escalates to more control when she protests his manipulation tactics. With every escalation there is more risk of danger to this woman. He has now escalated to hitting her to quiet her, and…as we can see…gotten away with it. What’s next on his list? Because I know from history and from a multitude of research studies that this is not going to be enough for him. He WILL escalate to bigger things to use in his quest for power and control, and this is very dangerous to you.

For some women Angel, the mistake of staying with this kind of man will sadly, cost them their life. This is not worth it. No man is worth it. He’s lying about his relatives to play a game with you to see if you want him badly enough. You are falling for it, because he has shredded your self esteem and you can’t see the forest through the trees.

But you know it’s wrong. A little voice inside your head told you it was wrong, and that’s why you wrote me your letter. And I’m so glad that you did. You need to leave, Angel. You just do. Because I seriously fear for your safety if you stay with this man. This cycle will NOT stop unless you break it yourself.

I’m not going to directly answer the question, “Do you think he loves me?” What do YOU think, Angel? Before you answer this honestly, consider these very important things about when a man loves a woman. A man that loves a woman will joyfully respond to any text messages she sends him. A man that loves a woman will not strip her of the basic rights of asking questions. A man that loves a woman does not hit her. A man that loves a woman does not lie to her to get her out of the house just to see if she will come crawling back to him. A man that loves a woman will not blame her repeatedly for her past errors of judgement, particularly when he is quite guilty of his own errors of judgement every single day he is with her. And, a man that loves a woman will not carry on a relationship with someone else online, WHILE waiting for his other woman to come crawling back to him.

I don’t want to tell you how to get this man back, Angel. Because I think you deserve better. You deserve a man that won’t hit you, that will cherish your text messages, and that will give you all of himself and be grateful for the all of you that you give back to him.

I find it interesting that you signed your letter “More power”. Interesting because MORE POWER is something you need desperately right now. More power to leave him. More power to pick up your broken self, seek out your support system that he has probably alienated you from, and more power to become strong again so that you can find the man that WILL treat you the way you deserve.

The real man you deserve is out there. But you won’t be able to find him if you stay with this one. It’s your life, why are you letting someone else call the shots? Break the cycle, Angel. And please come back and tell us how it went!

Readers, show Angel some love and offer some of your own relationship advice to help give her MORE POWER! Drop your comments for Angel in the box below and let her know I’m not the ONLY ONE that sees this abuse! Dear Angel, more power and peace be to YOU as you take this next very important step in your journey of healing, and your quest for the love that you so deeply deserve. We’re all rooting for you, and waiting to hear your update!

How to Get Him Back When Your Man Has a Mental Health Diagnosis

Okay, I already know what most of you are thinking from the title of today’s post. Many of you with exes you are trying to get back, or even those you never want to see again, are certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that if he hasn’t come crawling back to you by now he must be a flat out crazy person.

What woman hasn’t thought that? Men do too, ever hear the term “psycho chick”?

I feel your pain, I too have had my share of men in my life who I have referred to as sociopathic, schizophrenic, or even bipolar, because they acted like two different people at multiple different times. It’s EASY to think someone is certifiably crazy when they say they love you one minute, but are out posting profiles to pick up other women the next. Truthfully, there’s nothing crazy in those kinds of behaviors, it just FEELS that way at the time. When something doesn’t make sense to us, we find it a little insane in our world. In fact, anything that veers from what you know to be normal seems crazy. There’s nothing wrong with a few incorrectly placed diagnoses during a heated breakup moment, we’ve all done it. I urge you to try and not do that toooo often, otherwise it won’t be the man that looks like the crazy person. Get it out of your system and move on girl, if he is acting bipolar you certainly don’t need that in your life.

But that’s not what I’m talking about today. What I am going to talk about today is the pain that comes with dating, being engaged to, or even being married to someone that has been given a certified diagnosis of a mental health issue.

Why would you want to talk about that, you say? Hardly anyone ever has to deal with THAT, you say?
Wrong. The truth is, mental health issues are on the rise, and you would be very surprised to learn just how much so. It is estimated that one in five people suffer from one of these hidden illnesses, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and the list is actually quite long. That means a lot of the people you know are suffering from these issues! That ALSO means, your chances of dating someone with a mental health problem is one in five. That’s right, scary number right?

Not really. The scariest thing about mental health issues is the unknown. When you don’t know what you are dealing with, you don’t know how to deal with it. It’s scary!

When you love someone that is dealing with this, it’s even harder. It’s more difficult, more scary, and more frustrating than the average relationship. If you are a woman that loves a man with a mental illness, then your chances of being in the position of having to figure out how to get him back increase as well, because their history of stable relationships is slim to none. Sound even scarier?

It doesn’t have to. We have a question from a reader on this very topic, and I am posting it today because I know there are millions of other women out there just like her that are confused, scared, and frustrated that the man they love is too sick to ever love them again.

Our friend Ashleigh has written in about her man who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Let’s have a look at the tough ride she has been on and see what we can do to help her out.

Me and my boyfriend have been in an on again off again relationship for about 3 years now. We’ve been through so much together, but he has a bad temper, bipolar and he’s slow so its very hard to deal with someone like that. He always thinks that I do him wrong and that I’m always against him, but that’s not the case! We argue all the time over little stuff. I try to talk to him down and calm him down before he starts getting upset, but instead he hangs up and get mad and doesn’t answer or return my calls.

He always does this especially when he know he’s wrong. His family really can’t put up with him because he talks down on everybody. Every time he messes up I always take him back, nobody will ever put up with his behavior except me. When we’re in public he acts like a little kid he’s(24). I do all I can for this man, and it seems like he doesn’t appreciate the things I do for him. Either he’s too dumb to realize or he just doesn’t know it yet.

Every time we argue we say mean things to each other but then I realize I was wrong and try to call him back, but he doesn’t answer. And when he does, he says I’m doing him wrong. So he went to stay with this girl, she kicked him out, called the police on him, and took all his money and left him lying there on the street. I fed him, took him back, washed his clothes, and since he had no where to stay I let him sneak in my parents house which I got into a lot of trouble for.

I brought him money and got him out of jail twice. He got drunk somewhere, passed out, I rushed to the hospital to see him twice nobody eles was there for him. After all that, I helped him get a side job. Now he’s saying to me that work is more important and that he doesn’t want to talk to me and that he doesn’t have time for me anymore. So he called the phone company and had them to turn my phone off.

He doesn’t realize that if it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t be where he’s at today. He needs to open his eyes and realize the things I do for him. When I call him, he ignores my phone call and tells me that I’m using him and taking advantage of him which is not true. Also, he tells me that he has a future with this girl that they are in love and all that stuff. Please help me give me some advice tell me what should I do.

Okay, well, this one is less tricky than it looks. I’ve highlighted some of the most important things in this letter. Before we break it down, let me just say “Ashleigh” that I am sorry you are going through this. It is very difficult to be with someone struggling with a seesaw of mental things going on inside. Even so, that doesn’t make your relationship any less normal than any of the rest of ours. What I am trying to say by that is, your prescription will be the same as everybody else’s which will make this process so much easier for you.

It is important to never forget there are two people in every relationship. That means, both parties need to take responsibility. It is not ONLY up to him to fix this, it is also up to you, if you want to really know how to get your ex boyfriend back, the RIGHT way.

You have a three year thing happening now, which is a good thing in the sense that you have a history to work with. Unfortunately it does not sound like a lot of that history has been good. You have taught him how to treat you by putting up with a lot of this, given the nature of his mental health. This is normal. When we have someone in our life that is mentally ill, we tend to give them a little more slack than we would the average person.

There’s nothing wrong with that. But this cycle becomes wrong when that’s all you do! If you are constantly giving, he is constantly going to be taking, and you wind up with all of the resentment you have here. What is he going to do? When you get bitter and resentful for not wanting to give anymore, he is going to move on and find someone that won’t be so bitter. Like the first girl who ended up calling the police on him when he took from her, and like this second girl who he claims he is in love with.

Given the history of relationships with most mentally ill people, I am going to put money on the fact that he won’t be with this new one any longer than he was with the last. It’s just the sorry cycle that he has to deal with unfortunately because of his mental health problems. What I mean by that is, he doesn’t know any better. And he won’t unless someone teaches him otherwise. And the woman that does, is going to be the one that keeps him.

That can be YOU, Ashleigh!

How are you going to do this? The same way every other woman here is trying to figure out how to get her boyfriend back. No contact zone, followed by some honest pure discussion. What I suggest to you is that you break up with him before you enter the No Contact Zone.

WHAT? Break up with someone you are trying to get back?

YES.

By doing so, you will teach him that you won’t be the giver 100% anymore. You teach him that you deserve better, which you do, and that if he wants you back, it will be on terms you can both agree with. You don’t need to be mean about it. All you need to do is write him a note, a text, or leave him a voicemail that sounds something like this:

“Hi honey, so glad to hear things are going well with you! You know how much I care about you and how much you mean to me. I’m so sorry that after all we have been through we really didn’t get the traction in our relationship that we both wanted, no matter how hard we tried. I hope after all this time we can be friends, because I want you to know that your well being and health means so much to me, and that I would do anything to help you. I only want your happiness because that’s how much I care for you. I’m sorry it worked out this way, maybe one day there will be hope for us after we have grown and healed. Thank you for everything that you have been in my life. If you ever need me, give me a call. Until then, I wish you all the best! Love, Ashleigh.”

When he sees or hears that, he will realize who the real woman in his life is. But once you do that, you HAVE to cut the ties in a NO CONTACT ZONE. He won’t call you or write you back right away, anyway. He will use some time to digest this, and try and process it. If he is with someone else, there is a chance that this letter or voicemail will begin to highlight to him what this other person is NOT. He will either very seriously consider coming back to you, or at the very least, begin initiating contact again.

For 30 days, you are not to answer him. You are to live your life and remind yourself how happy you are without this stress. Then, when you hear from him, you ask him to meet you for a coffee or a lunch and…take it from there.

How do I know this works? Well, I know it has worked for me, and I know it has worked for other ladies that have sought my same advice on this very topic. At this point, showing him you are a woman worth appreciating by letting him go for 30 days is a good move, because you have absolutely NOTHING to lose at this point. And, it shows him that you DO appreciate him as well!

Good luck, and drop us a note and let us know what happened!

What do you think readers? Have I missed anything? Pop your thoughts in the comments box if you have any other thoughts on how to get your boyfriend back!

How to Get Out of a Toxic Relationship

Today we are going to talk about toxic relationships.  I am sure that if you thought back on the history that is your dating repertoire, you would remember experiencing at least one.  You have heard me talk as well about one or two of my own.

As you know, I have a very low tolerance for these, as should you.  Sometimes women want to get him back or make him miss you even when the experience has been nothing but toxic.

That makes me sad.

In my ideal perfect world every woman would know her own personal worth, and teach the men in their lives how to treat them. Sadly though, that doesn’t happen because relationships are complicated.  They increase our self worth when they are good ones.  And when they are bad ones, we think clinging to them will keep that self worth going, but it won’t.  It trashes your self esteem faster than you can even say self esteem.

Before you can decide how to get out of a toxic relationship, or if you should, you need to realize what a toxic relationship is.  It is exactly what it sounds like, poison to your soul.  I like to think of toxic relationships as the cancerous tumors on our self esteem.  You have to cut out those lesions in order to truly feel like a valuable and healthy whole person.

When a relationship is making you feel bad, there is a good chance that it may be toxic.

See, after we have been with someone for a long period of time, we forget one very simple rule about relationships.  They are supposed to make us feel good.  They are supposed to make our lives better, and more fulfilled.  They are NOT supposed to make us question everything about ourselves, and spend nights agonizing over what we have done wrong to have someone treat us so poorly.

If and when you enter that stage, or if any of this resonates with you, my guess is that you are in a toxic relationship.   Today we are going to refer to one of our readers to help you cut out those cancerous lesions in your life.  Her experience is, sadly, probably very familiar to many of you right now.

Here’s what she has to say (I have highlighted in bold the most important things that I see in this message):

Please note, this reader letter is rated PG13.

I cannot afford to pay and sit in a psychologist office, because I am single struggling mother and I work part-time 2 jobs. Not to say, I attended a prestigious College, was a B student and received a bachelors in visual arts and I studied women’s studies. But I need your help.

I am going through a hard relationship and it always brings me to tears. Even as I type this to you, the tears roll down my cheeks. I am involved with a man with a brain of a boy!

He is 31 and I am 35. I don’t know if ethnicity plays a part but he is black and hispanic and I am american-asian (not asian-american) and white. There is not that much of an age difference between us. His name is J____, he does not feel that it is important to tell me about himself. The one time he brought me to his house (once) I had to do some snooping around to find out his last name and I found some information about him on the internet. He is selfish, thinks that it is all about him.

As many times I try to talk some sense into him I break down and cry. He uses women and has multiple partners at once. He has caught me in his web and probably the most valuable person in his life. He only wants oral sex from me and not give me anything in return.

We do not even have sex. He tells me if I want it, I have to pay for a hotel. Everything happens in the car what I do to him. It would be fine, if he wasn’t screwing other chicks. He says that we don’t have a relationship nor a friendship. He doesn’t even want to hang out or do anything.

He just thinks cause he puts a condom on he is 100% safe from all diseases.  I tried to make him understand, if sex was just between us with that being the only commitment I would not have a problem.

Last night he called me a “slut.” I was very upset and I made him understand, that is not me. I have a positive reputation to protect, self-love and most of all self-respect. I also, explained to him that I was not a perfect angel 10 years ago. I once walked in his shoes. I made him understand that is the “slut” and he did not have anything to say after that.

He has said some pretty disrespectful things to me. I would lose all respect (the little that I have from him) if I ever spoke to him the way that he spoke to me. He had said to me “You’re ugly and fat.” He doesn’t care or know how to care. He doesn’t have any feelings or anything. Doc, I have lost 30 pounds, from 230. I am not done losing this extra weight. I need to loose another 50. I wanted to do change my life for myself, my son and him. I wanted to be seen and treated differently. Most of all love the person that I used to be 20 years ago. I retaliated and told him that he isn’t a prize himself. We have both lied to each other, but the way he has treated me and used me does not compare to what he has done to me.

He even told me if I didn’t like the situation, I should leave. I really thought about it for a long, long time. He always tells me that he doesn’t need me. Recently, he even left me for a while because he said he “doesn’t need me.” Three weeks later he calls me, no less on Valentines day! What nerve, to say that and then come back. I resisted to call him back for 2 days. The truth how I see it, that he does. He and I both know that in the long run, he will not have anyone.

What it comes down to, is that I care about him. I do not even know how could I love a scumbag like him. I am strong enough to not take him for face value and always put up a fight. I think that what makes him stay. Any other girl would just let him win. While he just rather walk away. If I stay with him any longer, this coming August will be 2 years of this bullsh*t!

How to I make him see, love and let him know what he has? If I didn’t think I could help the man I love, I would of left after the first couple of meetings.

I do not believe that walking away indefinitely is the answer. Please help me, help him, help us.

This is without question a toxic relationship. 

I will say it is not the worst I have seen, but it is pretty bad.  Here is a guy treating a woman like absolute garbage, and she is wondering, “How do I make him love me?”

Here’s the truth, you can’t. 

You can’t make anybody love you.  I believe there is a very sad Bonny Raitt song about it, “I can’t make you love me, if you won’t.”  You can control nobody’s choices but your own.  Let’s start at the top of your note though, where I have highlighted.

1.   “I need to protect my reputation and self respect.”

I have news for you honey, by staying with a man that is damaging both of those things, you are not protecting your reputation.  I am not saying that to be cold or cruel, but to show you the cold hard facts.  He is ruining both of those things, and so far, you are letting him.  By getting away from this man, you will begin to restore both of your reputation and self respect.  You are a mother, right?  Your child is going to use you as an example as to what kind of relationships to have in the future.  If you stay in a toxic one, guess what kind they are going to use as an example when they wonder what love is all about.  That’s right.  By serving as an example to your child as to what you will and will not accept in your life, you continue on that course of preserving your reputation and self respect.

2. “He would lose respect for me if I spoke to him the same way he speaks to me.”

Another newsflash, he already has.  He doesn’t respect you, and my guess is, he may never respect you because he is too busy loving himself more.  I applaud you for not giving it back to him, but you can give it back to him without being mean.  By breaking up with him for good.  The things you are telling me that he has said to you I wouldn’t even say to my dog.  Okay, I will confess that I do call my furbaby a little Chubber Wubber on occasion, but I always finish that by saying that just means there is more of him to love.  Nobody should be calling you fat. Ever.  I have a child as well, and in our house, the word “fat” is on the list of potty mouth words.  It is a mean, demeaning word that has no respect in it.  None whatsoever.  There is never a situation where you can use this word and look like the good guy.  The dude needs to GO.

3. “He even told me to leave if I didn’t like it.”

Any guy that doesn’t have the cahonas to fight for his woman, has no respect for himself either.  Take him up on it, thank him for the advice, and hit the curb running.

4.  “Any other girl would let him win.”

That’s true, any other girl with no self respect would.  But why should you be the one to take his hits?  You shouldn’t.

Another newsflash.  Any woman that has an ounce of respect for herself and for her child would NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN.

I have to say, you are wrong about this.

Very few women would let him win in the way that you have.  You need to correct those errors, and start showing him that you know your worth, even if he doesn’t.

You conclude by saying you do not believe that walking away is the answer.  What you are saying with that statement is that you like to be treated like this, and you want it to continue.  But, you wouldn’t have written in if that were the case.

I repeat, you can not make him love you. 

You can not make him respect you, IF you keep allowing yourself to be disrespected.  He will EARN respect for you when he sees you standing in your truth, and cutting out the cancer.

Once he starts respecting you again, he may begin loving you again.  But right now, it’s not about loving you, it’s about making sure you stay with him and continue to allow him to treat you this way. Run do not walk away from this man. You have called him a scumbag yourself.

This is not love. 

This is pain, and you know what you have to do to make that pain go away.

About the Author

Christine Clark is just a normal gal like you who, when she was losing her man, decided to do something about it. She made it her mission to read everything from all the so-called experts (mostly written by men), try all the techniques, and come up with a better way, the step-by-step plan for getting him back.

She developed a program that can help you get your guy back – the right way – for good.  It is based becoming your best – the real you — and turning the tables to make him miss you so much that he has to have you back in his life.  If right now that seems impossible, know that it is not. Just check out her guide to learn how.

How to Stay True to the No Contact Rule

You hear me talk about the No Contact Rule a lot.  And there’s a reason for that.  It’s JUST that important.  I am not deluded into thinking however that it is easy, I know that it’s not.

Been there, done that, have a few T shirts over it that I never want to see again.  Probably the only thing harder than the breakup itself is that period afterwards when you have a million things over-analyzing in your head that make you think, if I could just TALK to him one more time I will feel better.

You won’t. You will feel worse.

Because you will go in with the expectation that things WILL get better, and they won’t.  Breakups happen for a reason.  But if you truly are serious about learning how to get him back, you HAVE to stay true to the No Contact Zone.  So today we are going to talk about ways that make that a little easier for you.

The painful aspect of breakups comes with the loss.  In fact it is very similar to the grieving period, because something HAS died.  The relationship has.  Yes, sometimes you can make him miss you and get him back, but that isn’t going to happen if you keep talking to him.  Even if it seems that he is yo-yoing a little bit back and forth with you.

Remember that the key to this website and all of the information presented is to help you find the best relationship possible.  The focus is learning how to make him miss you, AND get him back more committed and loving than he ever was before.  I will say it again, you can’t make him miss you if you are talking to him, or trying to.

We have a reader that knows what needs to be done – follow the No Contact Rule, but is just having a very hard time doing it. My heart goes out, and yours will too.  Here’s what she says:

I loved this man from the first day I saw him about 6 years ago. I never felt that way about anyone ever; so this has been difficult for me. We started as friends first and both saw each other through divorces. We began to see each other intimately after that. We loved the same things and did everything together. I trusted him wholly and we seemed to be headed down a good path.

Well, I knew I loved him and he always professed his love for me but always said he needed to take his time before getting into a heavy relationship again. He always said he wanted me to be his wife but give him some time. In fact, he said that statistics show that about 1-2 years after his divorce and about a year after my divorce that we would be ready to start a heavy relationship and pursue marriage. He was divorced about 2.5 years ago and I was divorced about 1.5 years ago.

He asked me to be his girlfriend officially. It was great until I innocently went to pull up my e-mail and his popped up on our computer. He had met a lady on Plenty of Fish back in August 2010 and started an intimate relationship with her about the same time we began our official dating and before he moved in. I found out on April 17, 2011.

I was devastated.

I showed him the e-mail and asked that he move out but he refused to leave because he was leaving her anyway. He asked that I forgive him and we would move forward because it was a mistake on his part. Well, it took about 3 months for me to talk with him amicably again.

I asked 3 things of him if we were to try again, 1. We both be tested for everything! Done. I asked that he cease contact with her. 2. I checked our phone logs periodically and he still talked to her up until this month in 2012 sporadically. 3. attend couples’ counseling. Not done.

I asked him to leave on July 29, 2011. He did and removed my ability to check our phone logs, so he thought.

I already know the answer to what needs to be done. He is not for me; I have to get away. But why is it so hard?

We had so much fun together, he was affectionate and thoughtful and everyone thought we were the perfect couple. I need to break free in my heart from him but how. He still pops up at my home and I let him. He still spends nights with me. He says he loves me and he has been trying hard to do what I ask of him. Truth is he doesn’t answer his phone for hours when he goes to his home or is out and I just don’t trust him. I need to let him go. How do I let my best friend and lover go?

I am torn but it is best for both of us.I am sad about this everyday but I know there is someone better for me. He tells me that no one will ever love and care for me the way he does. I am terrified of finding out this may be true but it has been too difficult to move forward with him because the trust was destroyed.

Please help me.

First of all, I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Second of all, my hearty congratulations to you for teaching him that you will not put up with this kind of behavior.  As well, congratulations on laying down some serious ground rules before you even entertained the thought of giving this relationship another chance.

Readers, take some lessons from this!  THIS is almost exactly how it’s done.

I say almost, because you slipped a bit there in terms of the No Contact Zone, but hey, it’s easy to do. Sooooooo easy.  The good news?  You know what you need to do.

The not so good news?

Your last few sentences really concerned me.  I fear he may be manipulating you for his own gain.  Not saying he is doing that on purpose, but it happens a lot.  He is using your history to make you feel like he is the only one that will love you, or is worth having in your life.

WRONG.

I get aggravated with men like this.  Here’s a guy that goes out and cheats on a good, loyal woman, and then has the nerve to tell her nobody else will love her the way that he does.

My advice to you is, the next time he says that, say “I hope you are right, because I deserve to be loved better than the way that you loved me.”

But I will tell you, he is WRONG in the notion that nobody else will ever love you.  Who says that to someone they love anyway?  Fools.  He’s also saying that because he doesn’t want you to find anybody else.  He wants you to keep pining for him while he keeps his options wide open.

I hope that knowing that will make your No Contact Zone a little bit easier.  Knowing that you are better off without someone ALWAYS makes that no contact period a little bit easier.  Cutting him off for good is what you need to do right now.  You’ve already said the trust is destroyed.  That means that nothing else can happen with the two of you right now unfortunately, but the great news is that you recognize that and are ready to move forward.  Now you just need to muster up the strength to do just that, without him.

This means losing contact all together.  For at least a few months, I am advising you a bit longer than the general 30 day rule, because this guy needs some space, and you need to be far away from his relationship propaganda.  You need some time to prove him wrong about being lovable.  No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no accidental drive by’s, no nothing.  He is history now, you need to make him history which means, not a thing of the present.

Next, online dating. 

Even if you are not ready to go on an actual date just yet, put a profile up with your hottest most fabulous you picture.  You will soon realize that other men will find you lovable again.   See, it’s MUCH easier to stay true to the No Contact Zone when you are very busy fielding inquires from good guys yourself.

They say distracting yourself is the best way to get over a breakup, and I agree.  And what better way to distract yourself than by realizing that this particular guy is really and truly not the only guy in the world.  So go out, get your fabulous on, and report back!

Did I miss anything?  How do you handle the No Contact Rule?  What makes it easier for you?  I want to hear your thoughts, so keep ‘em coming!