What? Me? Making dating mistakes? What about HIM? He’s a hot mess!
Sound familiar? A little all too familiar. And I hear you, been there too.
But here’s the truth about dating.
There are two sides to every pancake ladies, and so if your relationship is less than ideal, that isn’t going to change until you take a look at your role in it. Until you know that you are doing absolutely everything in your power to make it the best dating life ever, then you play a role in the problems as well.
Now, that being said, doing everything in your power to work on your relationship…within reason, is the important takeaway from that first thought, but I will get to that. Today our dating advice is going to revolve around what you can do to change your relationship, or change your dating experience. We spend so much time wondering what HE’S doing, what HE could do better, what HE could change to make us happier, we spend far less time wondering what WE could do.
When was the last time that you asked yourself, “How can I make my dating life better?”
When you acknowledge that you have the control in your dating life, then your relationships automatically change for the better. But there is a very big difference between controlling your life, and controlling your men to the point that the words “stalker” and “restraining order” start surfacing into conversation. But sometimes women have a problem with that. I repeat, there is a very big difference between being in control of your LIFE, and being in control of your man.
On that note, let’s get right to it. Here are the top three dating mistakes that you are making right now, that you can also stop…right now. Let’s get to it.
1. Expecting too much. Now, this is a mistake that we all have made at one point in our dating world. But this mistake manifests itself in a number of different ways. From, visualizing yourself walking down the aisle with him when you are on your first date together, to, over reacting when he went out with the guys because he didn’t text you his whereabouts every 20 minutes. These are just examples. Here’s another one. “Dear Michelle, my boyfriend has been out of work for almost 2 years now and I know he is going to propose. How do I tell him I don’t want anything less than a 10 thousand dollar ring?”
Before I answer that question, let me preface my response by saying this is not an actual reader’s question, but I have heard this question from someone in my own life seeking my relationship advice very recently. My answer was, “You don’t. Unless you want him to break up with you.”
This is just one more example of expecting too much. When did we become such an entitled society that we leave all of the work up to the poor men of the world? They don’t owe us anything ladies. All they need to do is keep their promises. I repeat, all they owe us is kept promises. And, if they haven’t made those promises, even the act of expecting them to make them at some point in our dating life is asking too much of them.
Here’s the thing. If he wants to propose, or call when he says he will, or date you when he says he will, or take things to the next level, he will. But he won’t if he suspects that you expect this. Relationships only work when they work organically, and expecting too much too soon is going to leave you disappointed. Not only that, but you won’t even be able to blame him, because these expectations are all made by…..you.
Now, if he doesn’t call when he says he will, or doesn’t keep those promises, that’s a dating mistake that he is making. But this does not mean that you have the right to go postal on him. Which brings us to mistake number two.
2. Needing him too much. Let’s pretend for the sake of this argument that you have never heard, in a movie or otherwise, the phrase, “You complete me.” You know, and I may have even mentioned this here before, but I gotta say it again. I really hate that phrase when it comes to love because it has lead to so many problems for so many women and for so many reasons. How can you expect someone to fall in love with ALL of you when you are hoping they become a part of ALL of you. The point with this one is that it falls right into that category of placing too many expectations on him. Now you expect him to complete you? Really? No wonder he’s running! Who wants that pressure?
Come to him with ALL of you already in place. Or at least, as much as you can possibly muster. Needing him to sweep in and complete parts of you, that’s just not going to work and going to leave you very frustrated when he can’t fill those hefty shoes.
“Oh, that’s not me. Skip to number 3 please, that doesn’t apply at all!”
Really? Have you texted him or emailed him in the last 24 hour period, JUST so that you could hear back from him? JUST so that you could get some small reassurance that he still is thinking of you, caring for you, and you are still on his mind? And by that I mean, you had NO other reason to touch base, other than to receive your own small instant piece of gratification.
If you said yes to that, even silently in your head hoping nobody else heard, then you need him too much. Needing to hear from him just to know that he still likes you could be the biggest mistake you are making in dating right now. Because this mistake, when left unchecked, will fester and grow until it becomes something ugly. This is when you wind up leaving 20 voicemails on the same day getting more frantic each time because you haven’t heard from him.
Look at behavior like that and realize…those calls aren’t about him. They are about you, and your needs.
Hey listen, I am not trying to be the bad guy or get anybody to flush their phones and their texting, but these mistakes can not be corrected until you correct them. And needing him too much is a mistake.
Needing him period, that isn’t a mistake. You are allowed to need him. You can’t have a successful relationship if at some point you two do not realize that you both need each other. And so, together you both complete each other’s circles, and this way the need goes both ways. But, needing him to the point of excessive behavior is your second biggest mistake in your dating life. Nobody needs ANYBODY that badly. And the people that do, need help more than they need that text returned.
I’m not saying anyone is crazy. I too have made this mistake. We ALL have made this mistake. I get letters ALL the time about this mistake over, and over, and over again. Sometimes from the same women making the same mistake over, and over, and over again. Nobody is crazy here. We just need a little help knowing what we’re doing wrong, so that we can correct it.
So, as I say over, and over, and over again….ease off on the texting. The calling. The emailing. When you do that, watch him draw closer to you. It’s like magic. Just try it!
3. Not trusting enough. We need him too much, we expect too much of him, but when it comes to the one thing we SHOULD be doing in excess, we aren’t. And this kills love. Fast. Learning how to trust, and just giving in and letting go, is the best relationship advice you will ever get. That’s because it is also the toughest.
This is the one thing that we need to give MOST in our love lives, but it is also the one thing that we tend to give the LEAST. Why?
Because we’ve been schooled in love by the bad guys of the world. We’ve become bitter, cynical, sarcastic daters that almost believe there is no such thing as good guys anymore. Even if you have dated 20 bad apples last month alone, that doesn’t mean the next one that comes along will be too.
And maybe it will be. But you still need to give every guy you date the same fighting chance the last guy had. Even if you got burned. Why would you sell anyone short that didn’t deserve to be underestimated? What if he is The One? You will never find out if you are expecting him to fail and withholding trust because he doesn’t deserve it. Why judge every new guy you meet by the last guy you dated? How do you expect to become happy, ever, if you keep up this cycle?
Oh I know, between catfishers, players, gamers, cheaters, and all of the all around jerks of the world, it can be very tough to think that true love is even possible. But it is. Just remember, without true and authentic and unadulterated trust, it isn’t true love. If you can’t trust, you can’t love, it’s that simple.
Listen, I know it’s a gamble. Every time you have that new first date, you are throwing out the dice. I get that. I also get that you are tired and frustrated and convinced by the lack of good guy evidence in the world. But that doesn’t mean that the guy you are with now doesn’t deserve a fresh shot at it.
Have you found yourself questioning him for absolutely no reason? By “no reason” I mean, lack of evidence. I’m going to offer another example to illustrate this.
You have absolutely no evidence to suggest for example that he didn’t text you back all day yesterday because he was out with another woman, but that’s the first thing that pops into your head. In fact, it’s the only reasonable solution you can come up with because, well, you haven’t heard from him so he’s not offering you an alternative. And so, this thought bounces back and forth in your head and with every minute that passes without hearing from him this thought grows, and grows, and grows, and grows.
Until you do hear from him, just a simple text, “Hey, sorry, work got nuts yesterday.” And your response is, “Oh really? REALLY? Did you work like 23 hours or something yesterday? How long does it take to send a little text? It’s called common courtesy you know!”
All the while you are secretly relieved you did hear from him, even if it was just a hey. What you don’t know is that he’s picking up his phone, furrowing his brows and shaking your head at your text message, deleting it, and then complaining to the guys about how nuts you are because you flipped over one text message he didn’t have time to respond to.
How do you know he wasn’t trying to land a new client yesterday so that he COULD buy you that ten thousand dollar ring? You don’t. Anymore than you know that he was with another woman. And this is what I’m talking about when I say “evidence”. The only evidence you have with this example is that he was working, and couldn’t text you.
See how this example ties together….all of the above. And so I say to you, trust is the answer to all of these things, to correcting all of these mistakes. When you trust him, your expectations on him are realistic. When you trust him, you don’t “need” to hear from him every 30 seconds because you love him enough to give him the space to take care of the things he needs to take care of when he’s not with you. And when you trust him, he feels that, and if he is meant to be yours, he gives it back.
It is hard, and it is a gamble, and it may well be the hardest thing you do in life and love. But without it, love can not make the world go around my friends. Take down those walls, let go of the sarcasm and cynicism, stop judging him based on other people’s actions, and just….trust him. It’s okay. He’ll like it. I promise. And he will give as good as he gets.
When you are looking for relationship advice that you can actually use to change the way you date, check yourself for these three dating mistakes BEFORE you write in your questions. If you are making them it’s not too late to correct them. It never is. Put yourself in check and watch your dating life turn around. And even if you have still done that work, and still need a little bit of help, we love to hear from you. And don’t be so hard on yourself if you do make a mistake. You’re human. You’re allowed. And if he loves you, he knows that too. Until then, be loved!