Whether you are looking for dating advice for the new guy you are with, or need some solid relationship advice to get you through a bump in the road, there is not a person on the planet that won’t be well served with a little primer on intimacy. This is precisely what I am going to address today. And when I say intimacy I am not necessarily *only* referring to those moments under the sheets, but those moments that the two you create together, that last for hours after you’ve crawled out of bed in the morning.
You know, that darling little conversation you had over breakfast that you can’t stop thinking about when you’re in the boardroom two hours later. Or that special little thing that he left on your doorstep for you to come home to after a business trip. It’s the little things in life that create intimacy, and today I am going to break this down into seven easy steps, to help you create more intimacy in your life, whether you are single and waiting, or attached…and waiting for that love connection to grow.
Before I begin, let’s establish what intimacy really is.
I went to the dictionaries to help us out with this one, and there seems to be a few different meanings, or at least, a few different words used in several meanings. These definitions all included words like belonging-ness, closeness, closer, understandings, personal friendships, and so much more. Oddly enough, I did not find one definition that used the word “sex”, so if you came to this article looking for a better sex life, you may be disappointed.
That’s not what intimacy is about.
Physical closeness, yes. Emotional connections? Not always. But greater emotional connections could lead to greater physical closeness right? So, what I will discuss is how to take those seven steps to achieve a greater closeness with your partner, which in turn, will of course lead to a happier and healthier sex life.
The biggest mistake you can make when you use articles such as this to guide your romantic affairs would be to expect a quick fix to the issue, based on these 7 easy steps. Yes, these steps are easy, but only if you really want the true intimacy that good relationships have. Whether you are looking for more physical intimacy in your relationship or simply want to *feel* a little closer to your partner, don’t fret if it isn’t happening “overnight”. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and intimacy is a concept that needs to percolate in every relationship. Forcing it, rushing it, controlling it, trying to create it, all of these things are only going to leave you frustrated if the process doesn’t come naturally. If this sounds familiar, you are going about it all wrong. Change your perspective, and you will be able to change your relationship. So let’s look at 7 ways to increase intimacy that will broaden your perspective of your current relationship, and lead to more intimacy within it.
Step One: Be clear with your partner about what makes you feel safe emotionally. When you feel safe emotionally, you trust your partner enough to tell them anything. When you trust your partner enough to tell them anything, there is an implied level of intimacy there that you can almost touch it is so tangible. Telling secrets creates intimacy in and of itself. So if you aren’t feeling really there yet, talk about it with your partner. Chances are they have no idea that you feel this way, and they won’t want you to feel this way. Discussing it with them will create an energy that the two of you will work on together, and bring the two of you closer together.
Step Two: At the same time, understanding that it is not your partner’s job to meet your needs and demands, all day every day, will create greater intimacy as well. Have you been having petty fights because he’s not been doing the dishes like you asked? Have you been arguing over bills because he’s been spending too much and not listening to a thing you said? Let me ask you something, what have you done for him lately? Your partner is there to support you, not provide to your every whim. If that is what you are looking for, a magic genie may be more up your alley. But when you remember that the two of you are in the same thing together, with the same goal, it is harder to judge and criticize them for every thing they are doing wrong, because you don’t see it that way.
Step Three: Say thank you more. The best relationship advice for women that I can give at any moment in their relationship is to say thank you more. We have too quickly forgotten this important rule in life. We remember to thank our moms when they remind us to wear mittens when we are 30 years old, we thank the lady who serves our coffee in the morning, we thank our bosses when they notice something good we do, but we forget to thank the most important person in our life, because we’ve gotten so comfortable that we take them for granted. Thanking someone you love for something they’ve done, however small, creates intimacy, because it generates a feeling of appreciation that makes them glad to have found someone so kind and thoughtful. Thank your partner when they compliment you, when they bring you home something that they always do but you’ve let go of this matter of etiquette, when they do something for you without asking…whenever you can! If you are complaining that things have gotten stale in love, think back to the last time you expressed gratitude for the most important person in your life.
Step Four: Find something to laugh about, with each other, every day. If they are far away and this seems difficult, send them something funny by email. Find the comics section of the paper and pick something out in it to make your partner smile before work today. Or, think of something the two of you laughed about once upon a time and remind them. “Remember that girl we saw with the chicken outfit when we were on vacation? Don’t know what made me think of her, but man did she ever make me laugh.” These are just ideas. Rent a funny movie, go to some standup comedy, whatever it is that will work for the two of you, find the thing that will make you laugh together. Laughter releases endorphins that make us feel good, and when that happens when we are with our intimate partners, that sense of intimacy and bonding deepens organically, and naturally.
Step Five: Touch each other more. This may be the time in your relationship where you need to revisit the tips you used on your first date together. All of those little non verbal things you did way back when to catch his attention, to test for the spark factor, all of these little things will still come in handy today. Touch him more, wipe off some imaginary dust from his suit before he leaves for work, grab his hand at breakfast, touch his elbow when you are reminding him of that girl in the chicken suit, you get the picture. Touch your partner in a way that is affectionate, not necessarily sexual, and this creates a sense of closeness and intimacy that will deepen your bond. Remember, being natural in this case rather than forcing the issue will go a long way here.
Step Six: Create a relationship bucket list, and then do one thing on it every month, week, or whatever works for you. This will create a sense of adventure for the relationship at hand, and will also set a strong foundation for your life ahead. You will have exciting things to look forward to, and will also have exciting things to experience in the here and now. Make a plan to plan your bucket list together one lazy Sunday afternoon, and then decide how you are going to tackle it. If you haven’t had a vacation together in a while, make that your first entry! You don’t need to head off on an exhausting Disney road trip, plan a getaway to a local Bed and Breakfast and turn all cell phones off. Whatever you choose to put on your bucket list, make your list full of items that you both will get excited about…together.
Step Seven: Give each other one free “intimacy ask” every day. This doesn’t have to be anything major, just one small thing that you get to ask for with no holds barred, no “No’s” allowed, and no excuses allowed either to try and get out of the task at hand. Maybe you need him to do the dishes to feel a little friskier tonight? Maybe you need her to give you a free hour to yourself when you come home from work to reboot for her? Whatever it is, you are allowed to ask for it, and entitled to provide it when asked for. The key to this step is giving yourself the permission to ask for what you want.
In my first step I suggested disclosing secrets or things that make you feel emotionally safe with your partner. This expands on that notion by asking for specific things in return for that trust you are so openly giving. We become consumed with guilt and feel bad for asking for what we want, but the truth is, you can’t grow together unless you are meeting each other’s needs. Allow each other one free ask every single day, and give of yourself to grant that ask. You deserve it, your partner deserves it, and your relationship…definitely deserves it.
When it comes to relationship advice, you only need to have a little common sense, and remember that your partner has needs too. Sometimes when we need a little boost in intimacy in our lives, all we need to do is go back to the good ol’ days when we started dating, and remember all of the little things we used to do for our partners. Reboot your love life by just bringing some of that back and following these 7 easy steps. Remember, take one step at a time, and enjoy the process.
Life is about the journey right, not the destination.
For more information on this topic and many others, be sure you are on my email list to get the best of my relationship advice!