Dating Advice For Women Dating Mr. Narcissist

Relationship Advice NarcissistsSadly, we got a lot of questions from women that have a really bad history of picking the wrong man. The best relationship advice for women that have difficulty with picking someone that treats them well is to make a clean break. But sometimes, this is not always realistic. We also get a lot of questions about how to make him miss you when you live together. This makes things complicated!

We have a reader today that is dealing with all of these issues. Tammy is a reader who has a history of picking man that our misogynists, or narcissists.  She doesn’t know what to do about it and she has found herself in another relationship where she’s being treated poorly. Her biggest question is “How do I know how I want to be treated?”

The answer to that one is simple. Clearly, Tammy already knows how she wants to be treated. But because she keeps picking questionable men, or men with issues, she’s not being treated the way she needs to be and the way she deserves to be. It’s very difficult to make him miss you when he’s a narcissist or misogynist and is only thinking of himself. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get him back. Even narcissist can be lovable, if they really want a genuine and authentic relationship to work.

But what can you do, Tammy, to make that happen? That’s what we’re going to talk about today, because sadly, many women are in the same boat as you. Here’s Tammy’s letter.

 Hello!

I have married and divorced an abusive narcissist I had 2 children with. He was a sex addict so that sort of defined my understanding of intimacy, since I had little / no emotional connection to my parents because I come from a family of 9 kids, very strict religious upbringing.  My parents had entirely unrealistic standards, and I ended up with an asshole.

Fast forward 2 years and I got dragged into dating another sex addict due to having poor emotional boundaries and not knowing anything about dating or respecting myself.  This guy was even more of a winner, cheated, misogynistic, and just downright crass, low class, crude, and disgusting. He grabbed and pawed at me like a pig, and bossed me around in the bedroom and forced me into a submissive position.

The only way I know to feel close to someone is sex, or talking. I’m currently dating a man that has the same socioeconomic background as the second guy I dated (I think his father used a lot of language that was derogatory towards women – for example the other night I came out of the bathroom after I’d put coconut oil on after a shower and he says “look at you all greased up like a stripper” and after the fact I realized that I stuff a lot of feelings in this relationship,  because it made me ANGRY  that he said that. We tried having sex later on, and it did NOT work out because he couldn’t stay hard. I think it’s because his remark really hurt me. I tried to explain this to him, and he tried to deny he said what he did, but I did not allow him to deny it. He shut down after that, and turned away from me and moved further to his side of the bed. I told him this kind of talk is insulting, why on earth would you tell the woman you love she looks like a stripper?!?

I have been finding more and more that he makes these comments and I try to ignore them but I hate them. I’ve allowed it to continue for 5 years, because every time I have tried to communicate with him, he tells me he can’t change who he is, or that he can’t change his family (he can’t seem to own that his language is inappropriate – he thinks “it’s just joking” and then he will make passive aggressive comments to “mock” my feelings afterwards, which he swears up and down that he’s not doing to stab at me, but that’s how it feels. It’s important to note that while I was getting away from the abusive relationship I was in, he was also struggling with a drug addicted mother, who destroyed his house and ran around on him. So we both understand a lot of things about each other that other people don’t,  and we have built a lot of good things together, including getting a house recently with our 3 kids. I just think he needs to be taught how to be tender, respectful, and use language during sex that isn’t crass or crude or something he learned from a porno. I know he wants to communicate better aND what I have asked him, he has done to the best of his ability,  but for things I don’t clearly define, he seems to have little or no imagination and he’s very obtuse as expected from a man, and it comes across as cutting sometimes even though I know he doesn’t mean it that way – because I will straight up tell him…. “your body language and actions are telling me X ” and he can’t argue that.

How do I know how I want to be treated,  touched, and talked to if all I know is from toxic men, and now a man who is a product of our society, in that he has little or no understanding of being tender / classy but takes any type of change or criticism as an attack and an insult? It’s difficult to say what I need when he responds with a frustrated tone / like he’s expecting me to scold him like a child when I just want him to understand how I feel, and that I don’t want him to be little my feelings?

He grew up with a good father but he was controlling and the family functioned by using sarcastic bickering to communicate, and I can’t get him to acknowledge feelings a lot, because I think he is terrified if he validates them, that they will take over the situation or he will lose control. I really can’t take much more of this.

I have an appointment with my therapist for both of us this month, but I was hoping you could give some advice, or possibly recommend a book that teaches you how to know what you need so you can communicate / help your man to change & treat you differently… Tammy

I have included the letter in its entirety because there is so much going on with this poor girl, and I want to be sure that we cover it all today. The reason being, I know so many women that find themselves in this exact same situation. Our entire program would not exist if men everywhere treated women the way they deserved and needed to be treated. But the sad fact remains, it just doesn’t happen. Tammy wants to know how she can learn what she deserves. But the truth is, Tammy, you already know the answer to that or you wouldn’t be writing me at all. What you really want to know is how to get him to treat you the way that you need to be in the way that you deserve to be.

You Can’t Change What You Can’t Acknowledge

Well there are a few old sayings I’m going to bring up that will turn the light bulb on for you on this one. The first being, you can’t change what you can’t acknowledge. So as far as your part in the relationship is concerned, you are acknowledging that this isn’t working and this needs to change. But the only thing you have the power to change is your reaction and your responses to being treated poorly. You have absolutely no control over how he responds or reacts to your needs and what you deserve.

In other words, only he can change what HE acknowledges. If he does not acknowledge that he’s not treating you well, then there is very little that I can do right now. For him. But what I can do for you, is offer some relationship advice that will help you to go after what you need and what you deserve, and help you to pursue, actively, what you need and what you deserve.  So that’s the approach that we’re going to take care of today. And this is the approach that any woman that is dating a narcissist can and should take.

This is a situation where you are sharing finances and children and a home together, so it is even more important for you to express to him that something needs to change here. I’m glad that you have a therapist that can help you out with some relationship advice as well, and there you will also learn the need for being the one in control of this situation in your life.  I think one thing that we can all agree on by reading your letter is that he is not treating you well.

Set Boundaries – There’s No Excuse For Being Mean

You mentioned a lot of reasons for him not treating you well, he has a bad life, a drug addicted mother, family members that destroyed his home, and all sorts of things like that. You also mentioned that he needs to be taught how to be respectful. I agree with this. He needs to make some changes here. What I don’t agree with, is that having a bad life is an excuse for treating someone poorly. It’s not.

So it’s time for you to have a talk with him, and lay out your needs and what you deserve as kindly as possible. I would recommend that you also into the No Contact zone. But in your situation, because you live with him, you can’t go cold turkey not talking to him. But you can go cold turkey without intimacy.   So my recommendation to you would be to enter a physical No Contact zone until you all have sort of figured out what each of you needs to do in this relationship to make it work.

I don’t like that he mocks you when you express your feelings and what you need in this relationship. That is a very big red flag, and you are spot on that he might be a narcissist or misogynist, like your other boyfriends.  And the biggest problem with narcissists is that they will never change because it’s impossible for them to acknowledge that they’ve done wrong to somebody else. It has happened, but it’s rare. So the next time you have a talk with him and have expressed to him what you need and what you deserve, you need to immediately launch the No Contact zone.

Tell him you need to take a break from physical intimacy while you sort your thoughts and feelings out, and while he supports his thoughts and feelings out. Basically, start from scratch in your relationship as if it’s your first date, even though you are living together and share children. Tell him that you want to explore things in a relationship that have nothing to do with intimacy, and that in order for you to stay in this relationship, you need him to respect those boundaries.  Let him know that when you feel comfortable with him again, and feel that he is respecting your needs and boundaries, you will be willing to go back to the physical side of your relationship. And I would give that a good 30 days like any other No Contact zone.

If he loves you and really wants to make it work, he will acknowledge what he needs to change, and make those changes. He will do that because he loves you and wants you to be happy. But if he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. I would recommend for your own personal safety that you had this conversation with him in a public place, like when you’re out for lunch or having a coffee or something. I don’t recommend having the conversation privately, by text or email, or in a place where it’s just the two of you alone as he will be given many opportunities to be little and do you mean your desires and your wishes. I’m not saying that he’ll do that, but you can take away that option for him by doing this in a public place. After that, take one step at a time just putting 1 foot in front of the other slowly but surely every day until you feel peace.

The most important relationship advice that I could ever give to anybody, is that sometimes you don’t want to get your boyfriend back. And that’s because sometimes they treat you badly. But there is hope in this relationship because you have an extended history with him. But at the same time, you don’t want to lose more years of your life by being treated poorly.

So the best relationship advice I could give you right now, Tammy, is to love your Self first.  Acknowledge what you can change, and make sure that your needs and desires are clearly defined and your boundaries are said. And if he doesn’t make them? Well then he doesn’t meet them and he doesn’t deserve to be with you.

Have a look at some of our articles that will help you determine whether or not you’re in an abusive situation, or things you can do to put yourself first. Because it’s time that you started! Dear readers, do you have any relationship vice for our friend? Have you ever been in a relationship with a narcissist?

Relationship Advice: How to Make Him Miss You After 9 Years

Relationship Advice To Make Him Miss YouWhen it comes to relationship questions seeking dating advice for women, one of the most common questions that we get relates to women that feel like they are putting in all of the effort. We also get a lot of questions on how to heal after cheating, or how to make him miss you after a really long time in the relationship. We have a relationship question today from one reader who is dealing with all three of these issues. She’s dealing with an on-again off-again relationship that has been ongoing for nine years, has experience cheating, and is a situation now where she is doing all the work and wondering if all hope is lost. Here’s a look at her question.

Michelle,

My ex and I have been in an on again off again relationship for 9 years now. He loves to play the victim role even when he is at fault. In our most recent breakup, he cheated on me and I found out although I told him I forgave, those were just words. Each chase I got I would remind him of the mistakes he’s made. It’s like throughout the years our gets stronger and the connection we have is undeniable. We went for a period of 3 months were he was simply ignoring me. When I finally gave it another true, he went straight for we should just be friends, nothing is going to help our situation even with forgiveness. I can honestly say that I’ve healed from the past hurts, but regret is weighing in on me, do I walk away or fight? Why am I always the begging to keep us together? He said we aren’t made for success and our relationship has run its course. He has also sad if we didn’t go through everything we went through maybe we’d have a chance, but he’s lost hope after our last argument and he isn’t ready to be with anyone no time soon. He has also said our relationship isn’t stable, so why be in it. Throughout the break up I’ve made contact and yes I’ve begged for him to reconsider and so has his family, but nothing has come out of it. Is all hope lost? Niecy

You have got a lot going on with this relationship, Niecy, and I can honestly say that if there are feelings happening in both parties in this relationship, all hope is not lost. Now, I do not know what the status is of this gentleman’s relationship right now, but I do know that if you have nine years together, there is definitely hope for this relationship.

So that’s the good news. While I don’t have any bad news per se, I do have a question that I want you to seriously reflect on. Why do you want to stay in this relationship?

This is one of those situations where it would be very easy for me to apply the No Contact Rules to you, and just advise you to wait it out. But if you want real relationship advice that will not only make him miss you, but also strengthen this relationship, I have a few pointers there as well today.

No Contact, Cold Turkey

First, you have to definitely go into the No Contact zone, cold turkey. I think it’s a good idea here to send him one last little text or email, and just let him know that you’re grateful for him, you’re grateful for the times that you’ve had, and that you’re going to respect his boundaries and his wishes and just take a little break. Because you have had trouble staying in the No Contact Zone before, he’s probably expecting to hear from you. But when he does hear from you, if he hears what I just outlined above, you will take him back a little bit. And that’s a good thing!

He’s going to be expecting you to contact him and continue your previous history of begging him to stay with you. When you don’t do that, you’re going to get his wheel spinning on this one.

Second, be sure that you never ever again remind him of mistakes that he has made in the past. He knows he cheated, you know he cheated, and your relationship is what it is today because of all of that. But no man is rushing into the arms of a woman that is always reminding them of their mistakes. No man. So let this one go. If you have genuinely healed from this mistake of his, then you won’t need to bring it up. So before you contact him at all ever again, be certain with your own Self that you are healed from this mistake of his. And if you aren’t, you’re going to need some time before you even think of giving this relationship hope again. And there’s nothing wrong with that! If you need time, take it.

Lastly, when you send him that little goodbye text or email that you will send before you enter the No Contact zone, remember to be nothing but positive. This is sort of a combination of the first two steps from above. But the little addendum that I want to add to this step is that you want to not only stay positive, but also set boundaries.

Set Boundaries

So there are ways that you can focus on what you need when you’re speaking with him, without sounding derogatory or negative. This is going to be another thing that will take him back when he reads this message of yours. The key to this is staying positive, being clear about your boundaries, and making it about you and not him. When you do this, you give him valuable information. And one man in the state of limbo receive information like this, it does trigger a switch to change if they really want to give this relationship hope. So you’re going to send him a text or email that sounds something like this:

“Hey, Frank, no I’m not writing to annoy you *wink.* I have just been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on things related to our relationship. I feel like after nine years, it’s the least I can do for you, and the wonderful years and times that we had together. I am not ready to just give it all up just yet, but I do think that those nine years and our experiences deserve some time and thoughts. I realize now that we are on different pages when it comes to what we each need, and what we each have to offer this relationship. As such, I think I just need a little bit of a break to clear my head and think on this a little bit more. I want to thank you for everything that you’ve done for me over the years, and for giving me nine years of some very wonderful memories. You have absolutely been a value to my life. I know we all make mistakes, I have too, and I am ready to move forward in my life without focusing on the past. But I need some time to think about this before anything else happens. I need and deserve someone that is there for me 100% of the time, and supports me and his faithful to me during the entire time in our relationship. I’m just not sure that we’re on the same page right now. So I’m going to take a little bit of a break to think about it, and I promise I won’t bother you again for a little while. If you’d like to touch base and hash this out over coffee or something, I would be open to that after I have done some thinking. Until then, know that you remain in my thoughts and I wish you nothing but the best and ultimate happiness that life has to offer you. Best!”

And there you have it. So, stay positive, don’t bring up his mistakes in a negative way, make it about what you need and what your boundaries are. When you do, you will dangle that carrot in front of him that you’re still available if he’s able to meet those needs. And if he’s not, then it’s his loss. That’s a real way to make him miss you.

Yes, the No Contact zone will be very difficult for you, especially since you’ve had a problem with that in the past. Don’t worry girlfriend, we’ve all been there! So take a minute to read some of our articles on what to do after the No Contact Rule is engaged and how to stay true to it, and what to do after the No Contact zone to maintain that peaceful and harmonious vibe.

Until then, keep checking back here as we are always posting relationship advice questions, and you might see more answers that will apply to your specific situation. Dear readers, what would you do in the situation?

Relationship Advice During No Contact: “He cursed me out. Am I a battered woman?”

Relationship Advice Battered Women

We get all sorts of questions asking the same question, “How to make him miss you.” But among the saddest questions are those questions from readers that are in hurtful relationships. By hurtful I mean, abusive. Domestic violence and partner abuse are no laughing matter. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence says that every twenty minutes it happens in America, and that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men are impacted by this painful situation.

The biggest question for those that have a loved one stuck in this trap, and even from society watching it unfold, is, “Why would anybody stay with such a person?” The answer is multi-pronged and in its entirety beyond the scope of this message. But one of the reasons is a lack of self-esteem. Some women just can’t get out, because they feel like this is what they deserve. But another, even worse answer is, many women do not even know they are abused, or a battered women. We recently had one reader ask us this question.

The statistics on emotional abuse or emotional battery are much more difficult to pin down, because women typically do not report this.  And we are often dealing with a system stacked against victims. If the police do not see bruises, there is literally nothing they can do. But if you are trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship, there is something that YOU can do. And wondering how to make him miss you is the least of your problems. But we are going to tackle this head on today. Marcy writes us this story that illustrates some of the symptoms of emotional abuse. Here’s what she said.

I feel stupid for even wanting him back.  He Cursed me out, called me names, sent me pictures of another mans genitals 40 times.  All in the same day he dumped me I guess.  2 weeks later he said, “we’ll we’ve all called each other names before.”  I kept Texting over and over & now I need to try something new.  Sad thing were both 51 years old.  He even threatened to Steal My Car.

I’ve known him since I was 12.  On and off for 37 years.  More off than on.

Am I a Battered Woman?, Marcy

We’ve covered this before in the Not So Subtle Signs You are in an Abusive Relationship.  Now, before I get into what I think about this situation to give Marcy her answer, let’s take a look at what the data DOES say about emotional abuse. It’s clinically called psychological abuse.  Our friends at the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) have alarming statistics on this problem. And the reason for that is the same reason I stated above – people don’t report it, because being mean without causing physical harm is *mostly* not a crime. So, sadly, it happens more often than physical domestic violence.

The NCADV says 48.4 percent of women and 48.8 percent of men have experienced psychological abuse in their relationships at some point in their life. That’s almost half!

Psychological abuse is noted by the following:

  • Humiliating the victim
  • Controlling what they can or cannot do
  • Keeping secrets, withholding information
  • Deliberately doing something that makes them feel embarrassed or diminished
  • Isolating them – no friends or family for you!
  • Demeaning them publicly or privately
  • Undermining their confidence or self-worth
  • Convincing them they are crazy – also known as gaslighting.

This “gaslighting” phenomenon can be difficult to understand.

Let’s say you lost something. But you lost it because he put it away somewhere, knowing you would be looking for it. When you look for it, he lights into you for being so lazy and irresponsible. Then all of a sudden he finds it for you, amplifying how lazy and irresponsible you are because you not only lost something, but HE had to be the one to save the day.

The term “gaslight” comes from the 1944 movie with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman where he kept her isolated inside the house, and slowly tried to convince her she was crazy. The gaslights would come on in the house when she thought he wasn’t home, and she thought she was losing her mind. Meanwhile, Prince Charming is upstairs the whole time in a secret room off their mansion turning them on and off.

Do you feel like this might be happening to you? You might be getting gaslit my friend. Now, looking at that list, and Marcy’s letter, what do YOU think I am going to say about whether or not she’s a battered woman?

Frankly, I’m not a therapist or law enforcement officer and there are some things beyond my scope here. However, the first question I have for Marcy is, why do you want this man back?

Let’s go through YOUR list of symptoms:

  • He makes you feel demeaned when he curses you out. You already “feel stupid.”
  • He intentionally embarrasses you with not one, not two, but 40 obscene pictures of another man! Little red flag there!
  • Same day he dumps you
  • “He even threatened to steal my car.” He’s taking away your escape plan. This is not someone with your safety as a top priority of his. And p.s., the next time he issues this threat, call the police.
  • 2 weeks later, when this prize has not been picked up by another unsuspecting pure-hearted woman he tries to get back with you – “we’ve all been nasty, right? Let’s move forward.” This is gaslighting. Translation: “Let’s just pretend I wasn’t a total donkey and move forward.”

Dear Marcy, sweetheart, you are not stupid!!  He’s known you long enough that he knows how to push your buttons.  There’s obviously been some good or you won’t even be asking me whether or not you are a battered woman as you would have already moved on.

Things brings us to the other reason women stay: It’s safe. Finding love is just so darn difficult. Am I right? Otherwise you all wouldn’t be here wondering how to make him miss you.  Many women would rather take a few minutes of good over one year, than try and try again.

But you are worth so much more than a few minutes of good, demeaning names, and more. Is it really going to take a stolen car to realize this guy is not valuing you?

For many women, it is. Marcy, I think you know the answer to your question.  I can tell you that based on the limited information, I do suspect you are an emotionally battered woman. But as far as helping you get your boyfriend back, my advice is, it may be time to make him miss you. Permanently.

Have a look at one of my articles on relationship advice for women that can’t recognize the signs of abuse.  There’s someone out there for you that will never curse you out, demean you, send you naked pictures of someone else, or gaslight you. None of that behavior falls in the range of healthy. But there are many that are willing to be in a healthy relationship with you. Love your Self enough to go looking for them. And let us know how you are doing!

Relationship Advice For Women on Controlling Men – How to Let Go

We get a lot of messages and questions about controlling men. The relationship advice for these women is always the same:  Let go. It seems that freedom is such a rare commodity these days, that you shouldn’t have to fight for it in your own home too. But it’s easy to say that, isn’t it? It’s a lot harder to do when you have spent years with someone.  We have a question from a reader that is dealing with this painstaking problem. She wants relationship advice about a man that she is not even in love with.  There’s so many women going through this right now, that I wanted to highlight this question today. Why do they stay? Here’s what our friend Arezoo has to say.

Hi , I really need some advice about my boyfriend . we were together for almost 8 months. from the beginning he is serious but I am not. he was so jealous about my ex or my male friends that come to the point I choose him and don’t have connection with my ex or ex classmates or coworkers. he has some tip of controlling behavior but except this , he is so kind, hardworking ambitious guy and we have a good sex life too. he is so shy and some how anti social and I used to be so social . but after I am serious with him , try not to be so social and limit my friends cycle.

we are living with together now for 2 months but I am still not sure that I want him to introduce my family and be married . I know I don’t love him but I feel calm and safe and be loved around him, and I should mention I am 34 years old and I want to be married before 40 . please help me how can I make sure to be with him or just let go and move on ! Thank you, Arezoo

We get a lot of messages like this.  So let’s recap this. They’ve been together for 8 months and were living together at 6 months. She knows she doesn’t love him, but she feels safe and loved. She is 34, and wants to be married by 40. But, he’s jealous and asking her to choose between him, and her friends. I repeat – she says she feels loved by him.

First, no man that ever loves you will ever ask you to lose friends for him. So dear Arezoo, you are spot on that he is a controlling and jealous person.  But he’s displaying some of the warning signs of not just controlling, but psychological abuse. Isolation from family and friends is one of the first warning signs.  You are allowed to be in love, and have friends too. Is this man going to be okay with that with you? My guess is no, he’s already said you can’t.

These controlling men escalate. Once he has succeeded in isolating you from friends, he works on your family. He will make excuses and come up with stories on why you should see them less, and less, and less, until one day you wake up and realize it’s been years since you saw them. You did what he asked because you thought it meant you were showing him that you love him.

But no man that loves you will ever want to erase your support system.

I actually do understand him not wanting you to be around your ex. That is pretty normal, and not controlling. I don’t know the context of the conversations you have with him about that. But you would be hard pressed to find a man that wants you to spend more time with your ex. So I’m going to give him that one, and you may want to consider doing the same if you want to stay with him.

But friends or classmates? No. You are allowed to have friends sweetie. And having friends doesn’t mean you don’t love your man.

Which brings me to my next point. You actually use the words “I don’t love him.” For most people, this ends the conversation. You don’t need relationship advice, my friend. You need courage to do what your heart is telling you to do.

This is not one of those situations where you need help to make him miss you. And I have a feeling that if you asked him to leave your home, and entered the “No Contact” zone, you are one of the women that would be okay with that. You wouldn’t be checking your phone every five minutes, instead, you would be cringing every time you heard the text tone as you would be wondering if it was him bothering you again. The No Contact exercise would be easy for you. Because you don’t love him, and find many of his traits very stifling.

This alone should be all you need to know on what to do next. I don’t know your living situation, but if it is your house he is staying in, then it’s very easy to ask him to go. Ask for a little break, tell him you need a little space. That moving in after 6 months was a little fast and overwhelming for you. Tell him that in a month or so you two will talk and reassess. Give yourself that month of space, you’ll find it very liberating. You’ll be able to clear your head and think about this without having him poking over your shoulder every five minutes wondering who you are talking to.

If it is his house that you moved into, then take the time to do what you need to do to get a new place before you make the move. That’s just the smart and practical thing to do. Maybe you already have the funds to do so and can move right now. But if you don’t, start socking away a little bit at a time every time you get some income, until you have enough. Then, make your move. Or, if you can, move in with some parents or friends until you can get back on your feet again.

When you are telling him that this is your plan, do so in a public place. This is for your own safety. Tell him gently and with kindness that you need a little break, just to clear your head, and you are living somewhere else for a little while. Or that he is.  And when you leave that meeting, leave to go to your new home, or wherever you have set up for yourself.  Wait for him to leave the establishment, before you do. Jealous and controlling men have a way of following women that have just cut them loose. So don’t give him any of those opportunities.

I have a feeling that if you enter a 30 day no contact period with him, you will find much relief. Trust me, the last thing you want to do is marry a guy you don’t love. Because this marriage is doomed before it even begins. Marriage is a HUGE decision and should not be made just because someone makes you feel safe. You need to love everything about this person. Because if it ends, and my hunch is that it will within 5 to 7 years, then you are going to be dealing with a far bigger nightmare than you are dealing with now.

Spare yourself that grief now. One month of clarity time in the no contact period is worth saving yourself years of heartache down the road. And you will even find that once you are free of having someone over your shoulder every five minutes, you will feel more free to look for love in other places.

There is someone out there that loves you, or will love you fully and completely without asking you to give up a single thing for them. But cut a guy a break when he wants you to move on from an ex. That is healthy.  Any other kind of controlling or jealous behavior though is not. You deserve to live your life in freedom. When someone else is calling your shots, that is not freedom.

Get your free will back and take control of this situation.  Make him miss you by showing him you are a strong, independent woman who deserves to be treated better. Maybe he will kick his jealousy and controlling habits when he sees you really mean it. And maybe he won’t. But that’s his problem, not yours. Love your Self enough to let go, at least for a little while, just to see what life sends your way in those 30 days. And let us know how this goes!

Definition of Respect: Dating Advice Regarding Hot Potato Heads

When it comes to relationships, the best dating advice you will ever get is that if there is not mutual respect in the relationship, there is no relationship. Mutual respect occurs when both parties respect each other. Simple. But, not really, or we wouldn’t be here dissecting the topic of respect. It’s okay to be mad at your partner. It’s not okay to be mad at them ALL the time, or treat them like your personal hot potato.  We have a letter from a reader seeking relationship advice about Hot Potato Guy.

You know the one. We’ve all had this at some point in our dating lives. He loves you, he loves you not. He loves you, when it’s convenient for him.  Then, when you call him out on this nonsense, he pulls the, “Sorry, sorry, sorry I won’t ever do it again I promise!” bit. And then “Whoops I think he did it again.”

Britney Spears has a song about this that spells it out pretty clear, that’s just how common it is. He did it again, he played with your heart, made you believe you were more than just friends, because he’s not that innocent. And then the girl goes crawling back to him.  Our friend Scarlette has been dealing with just such a Hot Potato Head, and wants relationship advice on how to actually show him what respecting her means.

This one’s easy. But let’s have a look at what Scarlette says.

“I read your article about respect and it really resonated with me. I realise that I can only change my behaviour and part of the problem is continuing to accept his behaviour and let it go. But I seem to be frequently letting it go and feeling hurt as it happens repeatedly. So I need to stop accepting this behaviour from him and let him know that it’s not ok. But in real terms what does this mean? I have talked to him about it when after he behaves in a less than considerate way. He acknowledges it but then a week later seems to be doing it again. I stopped responding to his calls and texts then we had a chat after I got some space but again same old. So how should I be responding when he behaves like this or does it just take time? Because he can acknowledge it after the fact but all these conversations are getting boring and obviously it’s not helping. Advice please! Thank you, Scarlette x”

Congratulations, Scarlette on realizing that you are worth better, and more than what this guy is offering you. You can’t change what you can’t acknowledge. So you feel icky inside when he treats you this way. This happens a lot, meaning you also in turn feel icky a lot. You’ve talked to him about it, like a grownup, and communicated your feelings. Congratulations on that step too, because that’s a hard one. And when people miss that step, I usually hear from them. You are one step ahead and should be proud of yourself for signalling to him you are better than what he is giving you.

Frankly, you don’t need my relationship advice on that point. It’s clear that the No Contact you are engaging is working. Because it works. But what you really need from me is to change his mind and actually see the error of his ways. I am not a magician. I can not do this. Mr. Potato Head needs to put his big boy pants on and figure this one out for himself.

But you can take it to another level. He already knows that you know you deserve to be respected. You don’t need to re-learn the definition of respect. He does. Clearly, his history is repeating itself.  He is not truly and genuinely acknowledging the error of his ways if he keeps making the same mistake.

And that’s not on you to fix. It’s on him to fix.

People that are genuinely sorry for hurting someone they love don’t keep doing it. What goes through their mind when it is genuine and real love is, “Oh no! I can’t stand to see that look on their face again, so I will never do this again. Ever.” And then they work really hard to not do it again.

When it comes to playing with someone’s heart, people that love you will not do this. Because they love you.

You know that you need to stop accepting this behavior, and there’s nothing more that you do beyond that.   So you need to actually stop accepting this behavior. When he calls or texts again, and you respond, you send the message to him that you are still accepting this behavior.  This is where you go wrong.

Don’t beat yourself up for it, either. Like I say, we have all been there and done the exact same thing. Clearly you are very good at communicating your needs. You just need to be slightly better at it. The next time he tries to gloss over the error of his ways, and get you back, just respond, “Is this for real this time or am I getting back on the merry-go-round again?”

That will be all the dose of reality that he needs. Well, it should be.  Sometimes I wish more men wrote in seeking relationship advice when they get those kinds of texts.

This is still worth saving. He clearly sees something in you to keep you on the yo-yo string. He just needs a little bit more nudging on your part. Walk this out in your head. This is going to go one of two ways.

  • You will make him miss you, and he will smuck himself upside the head and actually do better next time. Orrrr….
  • He will say, “Pfftt whatever.” And keep scrolling to his phone to the next yo-yo that doesn’t mind being treated like a hot potato.

Either way, you will have your answer. And if it’s option 2, then at least you know. But any relationship advice person is going to tell you the same thing: You can make him miss you, but you can’t make him respect you. You can only remind him that you are worth respecting. What happens after that is up to him. And if it’s a mutual respect relationship, I see this going in a very positive way. And if it isn’t, then well, you know that too and can keep looking for that guy that will crave your texts and not toss you back and forth.

Relationship Advice When You’re Dating Mr. Someone Else’s Husband

You might be surprised how often we get the question, “How do I make him miss me when he’s married to someone else?”  We get it a lot. If you’ve been reading this site for more than a few articles, then you probably already know what my answer to this one is going to be. I have no judgement in these situations for the women that are treated poorly by married men. Or by anyone, male or female married that is playing with someone else’s heart, when that someone else is not legally contracted to you through marriage.  While I reserve judgement, I do have some relationship advice for women that find themselves in this situation though.  Here’s Salisha’s concern.

HI , I have been dating a married man for 5 years now…. its been 2 years since we saw each other but we do chat on the phone and video call each other. I love him very much but now he decided to let go due to me been out and spending time with my girlfriends. He is a very immature man and wants me to give him every detail of what i am doing threw the day. Please help me get him back. Salisha.

 First, I’m a little confused by the timeline on this one. Are the two years of separation part of the five years? Because if they are, then you haven’t been dating him for 5 years. You dated, and have been chatting on the phone and Skype or what have you for 2 years.  That’s still a relationship though, you just can’t call it dating. Dating is when you are seen out in public with someone who is proud to be with you.

So you’ve been involved in a relationship for 5 years with a married man. That is a long time to pin your hopes on someone. What happens to many women in this situation is that they think they will be The Next One, to make him divorce The One That Came First.  So they stay, and they stay, and they wait for the divorce, and they stay and they wait, and get sadder with every passing day. Five years later they are writing me, or someone else, wondering what to do about it.

If you want to know how to get your married boyfriend back, you need to enter the No Contact zone immediately, and cold turkey. Nobody has the right to make you report to them on your daily comings and goings. Nobody.  A married person has even fewer rights to do so. It’s none of his beeswax what you are doing through the day, or who you are doing it with.  He’s doing this because he’s a cheater, and has trust issues because he knows how easy it is to cheat.  But that’s his stuff, not yours.  Next time he asks you that, ask him how the wife and kids are doing. He won’t ask again. And if he does, hang up the phone or end the skype/facetime chat.

I agree with you, Salisha, that he sounds very immature. This is the guy that wants to have his cake and eat it too. You already know that he has relationship issues, and has difficulty sustaining a healthy relationship, or difficulties dealing with a relationship in a healthy way. That was a fact in your case before you even started dating.

It’s not your job to carry his baggage.

Anyone, man or woman, that starts dating other people while married is not good relationship material. They have baggage before you even say hello. Now he wants you to carry his for him? Nuh uh sister.  That is not your job.

Your job when it comes to dating is to find someone that makes you feel like a better person. Your job is to find someone that loves you, even those little annoying quirks that we all have, and accepts you fully and completely. You should feel BETTER about your Self when you are dating or in a relationship. You should never, ever feel worse. The moment you start feeling worse, is the moment you need to come up with your exit plan.

And you know in your heart that is my relationship advice for you, right, Salisha? To create your exit plan. This man is legally contracted to someone else. You don’t want to get in the way of this.  Do you really want to testify on a stand about your nitty gritty relationship details? It could happen.  It has happened to many other women in your exact situation.  That’s only one of about a million reasons what is happening in your love life is a really bad idea.

Marriage is a legal contract. He is breaching that contract by his behavior, and dragging you into his own baggage. This is not your job to enable him. My suggestion to you would be to get as far away from this hot mess as you can.

Ahhhh but you love him. I get it. He obviously does care for you as well or he wouldn’t be so obsessed about your comings and goings. But he doesn’t have a right to that while he is involved in a legal contract with someone else. So don’t let him.

I don’t know if this can be saved or not. In your favor you have history and love. In the “against” column you have one really big item – another marriage. So before either of you can engage in a healthy relationship with each other, you each need to singly take care of your own relationship in a healthy and legally acceptable manner. For him, that’s going to have to be figuring out what he wants.

You deserve more than being someone’s sloppy seconds.  A lot more. Worlds more. You deserve a guy that takes you out and public and smiles to the waiter, “That’s MY date!!”  There are guys out there like that. But I’m guessing Mr. Married doesn’t want to go out in public with you in case someone sees you two together. That is not okay, and such a disrespect to both you and his wife.

She could be a total psycho that sets animals on fire for all I know, and I would still give you the same advice. Maybe he doesn’t belong to her. Clearly, he questions that himself. But he’s gotta take care of that business before he’s anywhere near the healthy state of mind to take care of you. You deserve at least that.

And you need to tell him that. Tell him you are going No Contact, cold turkey. I’m not even going to say 30 days on this. Tell him this is happening indefinitely, until he figures out his own life. You owe him no explanations on what you do with yours until then. If you want to get your boyfriend back and make him miss you, this is what you have to do. It’s for your own peace of mind. You will feel so much better when you do, even when you miss him during that space.

During that time, go out and do whatever you want enjoying the freedom that comes with not having to report back to Mr. Married. And let us know how this goes, okay? I’ll be thinking of you. Dear readers, what do you think Salisha should do about Mr. Married guy? Has anyone else cut him off cold turkey with good results?

Dating Advice: No Contact Period Instructions to Get Your Boyfriend Back

When it comes to relationship advice, we all love to read it. Then we file it away and hope we never have to use it. But life is life, and no relationship is perfect. Nope. Not even the ones that have gone on for fifty plus years. When we remember that the root word in relationships is “relate,” we will have better relationships. Waiting for something to happen to you in your love life will leave you with a very sorrowful love life. How are you “relating” in your personal relationship experience right now? If that needs some work, it might be time to dig into the files of your archived relationship advice inside you, and start putting it to work. It might be time for you to become the captain of your romantic Destiny.

One piece of relationship advice that many readers, and many women everywhere, struggle with, is the “No Contact Period” after a breakup or separation. Women just want to fix what is wrong so they can have things go back to the way they were. Am I right? Sound familiar? The “No Contact Period” seems too difficult. But we get readers touching base all of the time letting us know that it works! You just have to work it. You have to be in charge of your relationship Destiny, and be the one pulling the strings in your life. But how do you do that?

As far as the No Contact Zone is concerned, it’s very simple. You just have to have no contact for about 30 days. It’s easier said than done, I know. We have a reader who is struggling with this. So today we are going to go step by step and review how to engage the No Contact Zone. Time for you to be in charge! Here’s Ruvimbo’s story.

Hi Michelle … I broke up with my boyfriend weeks ago but i have been texting on a weekly basis begging trying to straighten things up till he told me yesterday I’m acting desperate and I’m pushing him further away. I love him we broke up because he said he wanted to be alone we dated for 5 months we had fun and I felt like he was the one. After the broke up always tried not to contact him but I ended up doing so. Is there any hope that I can get him back. Ruvimbo.

Hi Ruvimbo, thanks for touching base! Your biggest challenge here is staying in the No Contact Zone. He’s giving you valuable information here – you are contacting him too much. It’s your job now to “relate” to him in a way that makes him happy, and you happy. Right now you are relating to him in a way that makes you both miserable. So it’s time to stop your current way of doing things, and try something new.

As for your question on hope, I have some thoughts for you. We are not in the business of selling hope. Just sound relationship advice that you can and should use. I don’t know this individual well enough to know where he stands or how he feels. But if you were together for five months, I suspect there are some feelings there from him. Feelings never just go away. So I would take that a step further and say there is always hope in relationships, where real feelings preside. Whether that is your situation or not right now remains to be seen.

But the truth is, whether there is hope or not, is not your biggest problem. You are not happy. He is giving you information that reflects that he is not happy. So how can we fix this? You need to enter the No Contact Zone in a way that brings you back to your happy place. When you find that YOU are in charge of what happens next, you will see a LOT of that happy place return. Follow these steps for the No Contact Period, to the letter, do not waiver, and within time you will begin to feel easier.

1. Delete him from your phone, email, Facebook, Twitter, everything.

If you don’t have his contact information, it makes it that much more difficult for you to contact him, right? Do not block him when you do this. Just dis-engage and make him invisible for a little while. You can use the “mute” feature on Twitter if you don’t want to delete him completely, and he won’t even know you did it. You can “unfollow” on Facebook, or add him to another list of friends on your Facebook so that you don’t see his posts. Not being exposed to these things, while you are trying to clear your head in the No Contact Zone is going to help you tremendously. But you have to actually do it!

Remember, you are not deleting him forever. You are just putting him aside for now, to help him, and to help YOU, be a happier person relating in this experience.

2. Do NOT visit his social media pages.

This is an extension of the previous bit of relationship advice. Unfollowing him or putting his information aside for a little while is great. But if you are unfollowing him, and then creeping his Facebook every day just to get your daily fix, this is not the No Contact Zone. So this step is worth an extra mention. Do NOT visit his social media pages. The goal of the No Contact Zone is not just to give you both a little space and breathing, but it’s to clear your head from the distraction of the pain in this relationship. So, just, let that go for a little while. Remember, this is not forever. And don’t beat yourself up about any of it either. We’ve ALL creeped an ex’s Facebook at one point.

3. Take your life back for 30 days.

They say old habits die hard and when we are trying to get rid of them, we need to replace them with something else. So find something to do now that replaces the time you have spent contacting him, texting him, creeping his social media. Replace it with something fun, something that fills you with joy. Many experts say to break habits you need to be doing some replacement for at least two weeks. This is why I have the No Contact Zone for 30 days. That extra two weeks really makes a difference.

Start a new fitness program, join a club or pick up a new hobby, spend more time with your friends, get a new job, spend more time with YOU. I also encourage you to read some of our older stories to help you feel uplifted during this 30 days, which may be stressful for you.

Have a look at the Top 3 Dating Mistakes you may be making, and see if that helps. You may also want to review, “Get Him Back After Pushing Him Away.” Don’t worry so much about him, YOU are your priority now.

Do not under any circumstances contact him during this time frame, if you really want to get your boyfriend back. If you do, you have to start the 30 days for the No Contact Zone all over again.

After 30 days, touch base with him again. If you want. I know some people that reach this point and are having so much fun, and are so happy to be in control of their destiny again, that they don’t even bother. And they hear from him first! This No Contact Period is a powerful tool. When you go from “desperate” to being independent, confident, and in control, it does something with men, because independent, confident, women are very, very attractive.

Right now, he does not want a desperate woman. So, if you want to get your boyfriend back, the best relationship advice I can give you is to show him you are not that person. I know you’re not. Your girlfriends know you are not. So prove it to him. When you do, I believe there is hope and that this is how to get your boyfriend back. Let us know how this works out! Readers, do you have any relationship advice for this friend? Or drop some notes in the comments that let us know how you got your boyfriend back after a situation like this.

 

Relationship Advice For Rebounders: The Breakup That Won’t Go Away

 

Ever have one of those relationships that just never went away? Of course you have, or you wouldn’t be here.  What I love about these relationships is that a chronic rebounder is one that actually does have a shot at standing the test of time.  I’m hopeful for all of you.  There’s a lot of push and pull going on here in these ones, but, clearly, something keeps bringing them back.  But in that push and pull period it’s very easy to feel like an elastic band that is wearing out, fast. We have a reader in this very confusing situation. She is seeking relationship advice for a guy that broke up with her, is possibly (likely) seeing someone else, but still keeping her on a string. Can she get her boyfriend back? Let’s have a look at Amrit’s story.

 So me and my boyfriend were together for 4 years and we had an amazing relationship. He loved me a lot and so did I and we would always talk about our future together and getting married one day. Recently just about 2 months ago he broke up with me because he did not want to date. By the way we are both in our senior year of high school right now. So only a week after we broke up he said he lost feelings for me which is ironic because he loved me so much for 4 years and it only took him a week to lose feelings?? Then another week after he said that he starts liking someone else and they both don’t want a relationship at the moment but they kiss and hangout a lot. I have not done no contact yet, I tried to but he always keeps calling me to ask how I’m doing and says he wants to be friends but says he will never get feelings for me again. It’s now been 1.5 months and i still love him a lot, I want him back I just don’t know whether I should give up or not. He shows so many signs that he likes me, he’s constantly calling, always flirty and touchy but then he says he doesn’t have feelings and doesn’t want me to have feelings for him. I’m really confused but for some reason I still have hope that we will get back together I just need some advice. Amrit.

 The first thing that jumps out at me with this one is age. I’m not judging it, but frankly, it is a factor. We have two young teens here, and this is a tough one. But we also have a four year history. High school sweethearts ARE a thing. But they can be a complicated thing. During the high school years our frontal lobes of the brain are not fully formed yet. This is the part of the brain that helps us make sound decisions, like an executive of a big company.  It helps us to see the consequences of our actions, and future plan so that we don’t make bad choices.

One of the reasons teenagers do a lot of silly things and get in trouble or find themselves confused in love is because their frontal lobe is simply not formed completely yet. So your executive function isn’t exactly in optimum condition. That’s not a bad thing. It just is what it is. We have all literally been there.

But when it comes to relationships, what teenagers DO have a lot of is rushing hormones and emotions.  This means most of your relationship decisions will be based on those two factors, instead of rational logic that the frontal lobe your brain provides. And this could give you some problems. So the first piece of relationship advice for sweet Amrit is to take a pause and think more, and feel less. You want to make decisions based on facts and logic, and not on what emotions are clouding your judgement.

The next relationship advice I would offer to Amrit is, if you want to know how to get your boyfriend back, check out this past article about dating mistakes. Are you making one of the Top 3 Dating Mistakes? It sounds like you might be.

You are making yourself too available, expecting too much, and not trusting your Self enough.

This guy is playing cat and mouse with you. He wants to have his cake, and eat it too. That’s not what you want. So you need to communicate this to him if you have not already. You are allowed to want what you want in love. He is allowed to want what he wants too.  He is not allowed to play with your heart.

You are a very smart young lady. You have already decided to launch the No Contact period. Congratulations!  But just because you did that does not mean that he will “get it” right away. Obviously he doesn’t get it as he has tried to contact you anyway.

Remember, the No Contact Period is not about what he needs or wants. It’s about you. It’s about you giving yourself the space to do some big thinking, and also clear your head. So what if he calls when you have made the choice to enter the No Contact zone? That’s on him, that’s not on you. Or at least, it’s not on you unless you pick up the phone.

So, don’t pick up! Send it to voicemail and let it sit there for 30 days.  Or just send him a quick text that sounds like this.

 “Thanks for calling, sorry I didn’t pick up. I just need some space right now, k?  I need to clear my head and really figure out what I want.  I need more, as in, a commitment.  I don’t know if that’s you.  So I just need a few weeks of me time, k? Talk soon.” 

He may or may not text or call back. If he does, leave it. Leave it again. And again, and again, until the 30 days is up. Then YOU choose what happens next. He’s not in the captain’s seat of your love life. YOU are. So what are you going to do next, Amrit? Readers, what would YOU do next?

Relationship Advice – How to Know If There’s Hope to Get Your Boyfriend Back

When you have been with someone for many years, something happens to you as individuals and as a couple.  Being with someone for years creates a bond, and in addition to relationship chemistry there is actual brain chemistry that supports this. When a couple is intimate, and I’m not just talking about physical things, but when they spend years getting closer to each other, the brain releases a hormone known as “Oxytocin.”  This is a hormone that is responsible for humans pair-bonding, in a loving, and intimate way that has nothing to do with physical matters.

So when these relationships break up, the question of “hope” is all the more confusing.  Is there hope for these kinds of relationships? In these kinds of relationships, there is ALWAYS hope. So if you are trying to get your boyfriend of many years back, there is always hope. Today we are going to talk about what to do with that hope. We have a reader who is wondering if, after 2 years, there is hope. Here’s Yadira’s story.

My ex boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago.  We were dating for 2 years and 4 months, before he broke up with me we would argue a lot.  It was mostly me. I was arguing because he wouldn’t care anymore not like he use to. idk why I argued most of the time but we always argued the weekend before he broke up with me we get in a huge fight and I thought we were fine. He seemed a little distance but he always told me that he will always find his way back. But on a Wednesday night he broke up with me out of nowhere I was so confused and lost. He promised me he was going to marry me he said I was the one that he loved me so much. I saw how much he loved me but he said he couldn’t do it anymore that he didn’t love me anymore. I begged I cried for about two months. I tried everything to win him back he kept telling me the same thing that he didn’t want me that he didn’t want a relationship. We would still kiss and he would sometimes act like he was my boyfriend cuddling with me and saying sweet things but the next day he would blow me off he confused me so much. I recently said goodbye to him I apologized for anything I did for everything j did to make him not want me. I’m so hopeless I’m letting go but I still have hope. I just don’t know what to do should I move on should I have hope ? Yadira

 Thank you for your letter, Yadira.  I think you know the answer to this, but let’s break this down. First, congratulations on handling everything maturely thus far. You have owned your part of the breakup, and for that reason you are to be congratulated. Some people go their whole lives and never figure out what went wrong, and blame the other person entirely. You have passed that stage of maturity. And in this world, that means you are one step closer in getting your boyfriend back.

So far you have done everything right. You don’t even need relationship advice. What you need is support and encouragement. And we have OODLES of that here.

So the first thing you need to do from here is find out what zone you are in with him. I can’t tell by reading your letter. He’s kissing you. So you aren’t in the Friend Zone. That right there is clue number one that you have OODLES of hope in this relationship.

But you don’t deserve to be Leftovers Girl. What I mean by that is, Leftovers Girl is the girl he keeps as “leftovers” when he can’t get a fresh, hot piece of the pie on another night. He comes to you. This is not fair. You are not a Yo-Yo.

You know this. You’ve done all the right things by telling him goodbye.  You’ve officially launched the No Contact Zone.

What you need to do now is stay on that course.  Do not call him, text him, email him, respond to him on Facebook, like one of his posts, anything.  Put all of those on Mute or Do Not Disturb for the next 30 days. For the next 30 days, you do you.

If he wanted to marry you once, there is something there. But he’s kind of taking advantage the fact that you have been together for so long, and you’ve given him so many chances.  So stop giving him chances, for now. For the next 30 days. I recommend you have a look at a reader that went through this over the holidays:  Relationship Advice When You Feel Hope is Lost. I think it could help you. You may also want to look at our article on what to do after the No Contact Period.

In the meantime, stay in the No Contact Zone. Live your life and be fabulous.  What happens after that is up to you. If you want to send him a casual, and breezy text or email, do so. Keep it short. Keep it simple. Send him an interesting article or video and ask him what he thinks. You’ve opened the door. See if he walks through it. You absolutely have hope. And I do too! I hope you let us know how this one turns out! Readers, what would you do in this situation?

Relationship Advice: How to Get Your Boyfriend Back After Being Blocked on Social Media

One of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships is comparing ourselves to others. This is natural, and called being human, so don’t beat yourself up about it if you are saying, “Uh oh, that’s me” to that. That’s all of us. How many times have you left a wedding or a 50th anniversary feeling completely dejected? Been there! That’s all of us. But doing this is so counter-intuitive to actually having a successful relationship. We are in a different era than many people whose relationships have stood that test of time. Those heroes at the fiftieth anniversary never had to deal with being blocked by someone on social media, nor will they. So comparing yourselves to them is counter-intuitive. It makes you feel worse, and also, it doesn’t actually help you to have a better relationship. So, try and kick yourself in the foot the next time your mind wanders at the next big celebration of love you have to attend.

Today we are going to look at a relationship, and see if we can learn how to get your boyfriend back after being blocked on Facebook. I know what many of you are thinking, “Why bother?” That’s a great question, and one I would ask myself. But this reader has an interesting situation. Yes, her boyfriend blocked her on Facebook. But, wait for it, he wants to find out how to see HER Facebook after he blocked her. Yep, he’s one of those special ones, ladies. We have a reader with this problem, so let’s have a look.

So I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. And one time I was being distant because idk I just usually thought why contact him when he can contact me he told me why was I being distant then I send him a message saying because you always rather be with your friends and he never responded to my message. but honestly it makes me question our relationship because it’s been already two months that he has me blocked in social media (fb) yet we see each other at certain times. He works out of town and I will call him but he won’t answer yet when he’s back he messages me saying I’m back home. And then I asked him why did you even block me on FB and he just responded because you’re nosy AF and I was like oh okay cool yet he said let me see your Facebook profile when I was with him? So I responded hell no, you can unblock me if u want to see me and he didn’t say anything.

What you are dealing with here, dear Reader, is “Mixed Signals Guy.” I’ve already talked him. But every Mixed Signals Guy is different. This guy is clearly all about him, and not about you. This is not a healthy relationship, and it is clearly not a balanced relationship. You know this, and this is why you wrote me. Believe me when I say we get questions about social media ALL the time. So know you are not alone. Women that have been with the same guy for 50 years do not have this problem. So don’t compare yourselves to them. Here’s what to do in this situation, and it’s much easier than you think.

What to do with Mixed Signals Guy

Put him in the No Contact Zone. This guy is seriously playing with your heart. He doesn’t know what he wants! I don’t know if he doesn’t know if he’s playing with your heart, or if he doesn’t care. But I also don’t know which of those things is worse, either. You want a guy that can’t wait to show you off on social media. You don’t want a guy that blocks you, and then creeps you!

You already have evidence that he responds well to the No Contact Zone. He gets antsy when he can’t see your Facebook profile. Well, if he hadn’t blocked you he wouldn’t have that problem, right? Right. Choices have consequences and bad choices have bad consequences. Period. He chose to miss seeing your Facebook page the second he blocked you. Clearly you already know this. And let me congratulate you on doing all of the right things so far.

But he is trying to spin this as your fault. “I blocked you because you were annoying me.” That’s called gaslighting, sweetheart. He’s trying to make YOU think that it’s YOUR fault that HE CHOSE to block you, THEN creep your own profile. It’s not your fault. It’s his! Bad choices have bad consequences, for him.

I do not know this guy from Adam, but I have a very strong suspicion that he blocked you from his Facebook because there’s something there he doesn’t want you to see. He thinks he can do whatever he wants, because technically you aren’t “committed.” He wants to come and go as he pleases, call and not call as he pleases, and expects you to be ready there with your Facebook profile the second he chooses.

Nuh uh! No self-respecting woman would ever allow this. UNLESS, that woman is looking for exactly the same thing. If you want a guy that comes and goes as you do, then by all means, put up with this. Women that are confident and clear in these intentions are very progressive women. But that’s not what you want. It doesn’t mean you aren’t progressive though. When you stand in your truth and confidence, you send him the message that you don’t need these games.

There’s nothing wrong with looking for a commitment and not settling for less. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting a commitment and just doing the casual thing. But there IS something wrong if you want one thing, and Mr. Blocker is not giving it, and is still expecting you to stick around.

Follow Your Instincts

Follow those instincts on giving the distance to this guy. You have done everything right. You already have evidence that this works on this particular prize. So take it to the next level, and do it for 30 days straight, hard core, cold turkey, just be done with him in a snap for the next 30 days. I really have a feeling he is going to go bonkers. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and he hasn’t quite accepted the fact that you are not offering this system. That’s on him. Completely on him. Those are his consequences to deal with.

But when it comes to you? Your choices have consequences too. Are you going to choose to continue accepting this behavior? I have a feeling that you aren’t. You are a progressive woman that wants some relationship advice to figure out how to deal with this man child friend of yours. Here’s a text you can send him right now.

“Hey, Boo, just wanted to say thanks for everything. I think I’m just going to leave my Facebook the way it is for now. I’ve got a lot on my plate and a lot of great things going on right now. You were right, the distraction is just too much stress. It’s been great though, just too bad that we didn’t want the same things. I think you’re great but maybe next time? If you ever find yourself on my page, give me a shout. Thanks for everything! Best!”

Boom. That will get his wheels spinning. I wouldn’t be surprised if he texted back within seconds. He’ll want to know what fun you are having. If you see him in public, smile and be courteous, polite, like you would to a passing neighbor or stranger. Don’t give him too much information. Just give him something to think about for 30 days and let us know how it goes. Readers, what do you think? How have you responded to Mixed Signals Guy?