Dating Advice For Women That Have Been Ghosted

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Dating Advice Relationships Casual SexSadly, one of the most common questions that we get here is, “is he just using me for sex?”  My response to that, and any woman that is seeking this kind of relationship advice or dating advice is, well if you have to ask, the chances are generally yes, he is just using you. So today we are going to talk about standards, and how to make them and keep them in your relationships.  This isn’t necessarily a conversation on how to make him miss you, or how to get your boyfriend back. But today’s conversation is going to be all about teaching them how to treat you, so that you find yourself asking this question last and last often, until you stop asking it all together.  Because there’s a very easy fix to this problem.

That is, don’t have sex with someone without a commitment, if that’s not what you want.  If that is what you want, then by all means go for it. Two consenting adults can do whatever they want. But if it’s not what you want, and it happens anyways, you are going to wind up feeling used and abused and emotionally gutted. But if you have those standards in place before hand, you won’t have this problem.

We have a reader who has been ghosted by a guy who, by the looks of it, was in fact just using her for sex.  Then he blew her off. This is called being ghosted.  Nobody wants to be ghosted.  And being ghosted is exactly what it sounds like. You meet someone, you hit it off, sparks fly, one thing leads to another, and then boom. He disappears.  This is what happened to Joanna.

 My husband died so I’m looking for company I ran into someone I use to work with.  He asked me to have sex with him. I said, “Is that all you want?” He said, “You want me don’t you?” I said “yes” cause I do. We had sex, it was amazing but he says he’s busy at work all the time.  I think I should break it off. There’s someone else I know that does have time for me. What do you think Joanna

 So the answer to your first question, Joanna, is that yes, sadly. Yes, he was just using you for sex. There is no man on the planet that works 24 hours a day that is not the President of the United States or some other head of state.  And I really don’t think you’re telling me that this is who you were dating.  I’m sorry to report, but you have been ghosted, my friend.

But it sounds like you have good control of the situation. It even sounds like you have a solution lined up for yourself already. Good for you, Joanna! This is another one of those situations where readers answer their own questions before they come to me. And this speaks to the power of your intuition when it comes to relationships and relationship advice. Always follow that gut feeling!

Yes, Joanna, you should break it off with this person if you are not interested in a casual sex relationship.  I’ve talked more about casual sex relationships before.  If there’s somebody on the line that you think you can have something real with, then by all means go for it. Forget this guy that works so much he doesn’t have two seconds in the day to text you.  Teach him how to treat you, by ghosting him in return. This is not a No Contact rule situation. This is a, forget this guy altogether. He has not earned your worth, and if this is how he treats women, you can cross your name off his list.

What do you do now?

So the next thing you need to do, Joanna, is take control of your own relationships and dating life. This is going to be very hard for you because you have suffered a loss of unconditional love. I am very sorry for your loss, and you have my deepest sympathies. There is no greater stress on the life unit scale than the loss of a spouse or child.  So you have already been through a tremendous emotional roller coaster. The very last thing that you need is to be involved with somebody that takes advantage of this roller coaster ride that you were already on, whether Mr. Ghost is there or not.

A good man will acknowledge your history, acknowledge the fact that your heart is already in a bit of a fragile state, and will take great steps to make sure that he is not the cause of more scars on your heart. And yes, there are good men out there that take the steps!  Your Mr. Ghost is not one of them. So he needs to be kicked to the curb. And what you need to do is raise your standards and not allow anyone into your life that does not meet those steps.

Men Find Women With Standards Sexy

When it comes to intimacy, unless you are ready and capable of having a casual sex relationship, just don’t do it. Don’t turn down the sheets for anybody that isn’t ready to give you a commitment. You’re allowed to say that men!  And believe it or not, men find that very attractive and very sexy. Man love a confident woman that know what they want, that know their worth, and that won’t settle for anything less than their worth.  I can tell already, Joanna, that you know your own worth as well!  But your heart is fragile right now, and you may not trust it as much as you have in the past.

You have been blessed with the gift of unconditional love in your life, and unfortunately experienced the tragedy of losing that. I am very sorry for you that this happened, and please know that my heart goes out to you and it is my deepest wish that you find that unconditional love again.  But you’re not going to find it by engaging in these casual experiences.  So know your worth, and speak your worth to those that want to be a part of your life.

And it sounds like you are already in that right place! This relationship advice applies to anyone that is wondering whether or not they’ve been used for sex, or have been ghosted by a guy that is not treating you your full worth.

You do not have to put up with this! You teach him how to treat you. Give him the No Contact zone permanently!  Find out how to stay true to the No Contact if you are tempted, although I have a feeling you won’t be.

At the same time, when you do this, you teach your self how to treat you too. It’s all about those standards. If they are low, you are going to accept whatever comes along. But judging by the quality and quantity of the letters we get, this is not happening for many of you. It’s okay to put yourself first in relationships. In fact, sometimes this is the best relationship advice that you will ever get. To put you first! This is especially true in those early stages when you are unsure of where you stand with somebody, and you are emotionally invested already, and you’re not sure what to do next.   Treat your Self well, and by so doing you teach him how to treat you too.

One piece of relationship advice for women that I often give when it comes to this concept, because it is so hard for so many of us to do when we love someone, is to consider the situation from a best friend perspective. What advice would you give your best friend if she were in this exact same situation?  Chances are, you would tell this guy that he is not worth her salt, and she needs to move on and find someone that treats her the way she deserves. This is not about finding out how to get your boyfriend back, this is about finding out how to get your higher Self back in relationships, so that you can have the best relationship possible. You may want to look at the 3 common mistakes we’ve all made before.

I hope this helps, Joanna. And I hope to hear from you again and find out how this all worked out for you. So please do drop us a line and let us know! How do you put yourself first and relationships, readers?  Share your stories in the comments below, we do read everyone!

Dating Advice For Women Dating Mr. Narcissist

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Relationship Advice NarcissistsSadly, we got a lot of questions from women that have a really bad history of picking the wrong man. The best relationship advice for women that have difficulty with picking someone that treats them well is to make a clean break. But sometimes, this is not always realistic. We also get a lot of questions about how to make him miss you when you live together. This makes things complicated!

We have a reader today that is dealing with all of these issues. Tammy is a reader who has a history of picking man that our misogynists, or narcissists.  She doesn’t know what to do about it and she has found herself in another relationship where she’s being treated poorly. Her biggest question is “How do I know how I want to be treated?”

The answer to that one is simple. Clearly, Tammy already knows how she wants to be treated. But because she keeps picking questionable men, or men with issues, she’s not being treated the way she needs to be and the way she deserves to be. It’s very difficult to make him miss you when he’s a narcissist or misogynist and is only thinking of himself. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get him back. Even narcissist can be lovable, if they really want a genuine and authentic relationship to work.

But what can you do, Tammy, to make that happen? That’s what we’re going to talk about today, because sadly, many women are in the same boat as you. Here’s Tammy’s letter.

 Hello!

I have married and divorced an abusive narcissist I had 2 children with. He was a sex addict so that sort of defined my understanding of intimacy, since I had little / no emotional connection to my parents because I come from a family of 9 kids, very strict religious upbringing.  My parents had entirely unrealistic standards, and I ended up with an asshole.

Fast forward 2 years and I got dragged into dating another sex addict due to having poor emotional boundaries and not knowing anything about dating or respecting myself.  This guy was even more of a winner, cheated, misogynistic, and just downright crass, low class, crude, and disgusting. He grabbed and pawed at me like a pig, and bossed me around in the bedroom and forced me into a submissive position.

The only way I know to feel close to someone is sex, or talking. I’m currently dating a man that has the same socioeconomic background as the second guy I dated (I think his father used a lot of language that was derogatory towards women – for example the other night I came out of the bathroom after I’d put coconut oil on after a shower and he says “look at you all greased up like a stripper” and after the fact I realized that I stuff a lot of feelings in this relationship,  because it made me ANGRY  that he said that. We tried having sex later on, and it did NOT work out because he couldn’t stay hard. I think it’s because his remark really hurt me. I tried to explain this to him, and he tried to deny he said what he did, but I did not allow him to deny it. He shut down after that, and turned away from me and moved further to his side of the bed. I told him this kind of talk is insulting, why on earth would you tell the woman you love she looks like a stripper?!?

I have been finding more and more that he makes these comments and I try to ignore them but I hate them. I’ve allowed it to continue for 5 years, because every time I have tried to communicate with him, he tells me he can’t change who he is, or that he can’t change his family (he can’t seem to own that his language is inappropriate – he thinks “it’s just joking” and then he will make passive aggressive comments to “mock” my feelings afterwards, which he swears up and down that he’s not doing to stab at me, but that’s how it feels. It’s important to note that while I was getting away from the abusive relationship I was in, he was also struggling with a drug addicted mother, who destroyed his house and ran around on him. So we both understand a lot of things about each other that other people don’t,  and we have built a lot of good things together, including getting a house recently with our 3 kids. I just think he needs to be taught how to be tender, respectful, and use language during sex that isn’t crass or crude or something he learned from a porno. I know he wants to communicate better aND what I have asked him, he has done to the best of his ability,  but for things I don’t clearly define, he seems to have little or no imagination and he’s very obtuse as expected from a man, and it comes across as cutting sometimes even though I know he doesn’t mean it that way – because I will straight up tell him…. “your body language and actions are telling me X ” and he can’t argue that.

How do I know how I want to be treated,  touched, and talked to if all I know is from toxic men, and now a man who is a product of our society, in that he has little or no understanding of being tender / classy but takes any type of change or criticism as an attack and an insult? It’s difficult to say what I need when he responds with a frustrated tone / like he’s expecting me to scold him like a child when I just want him to understand how I feel, and that I don’t want him to be little my feelings?

He grew up with a good father but he was controlling and the family functioned by using sarcastic bickering to communicate, and I can’t get him to acknowledge feelings a lot, because I think he is terrified if he validates them, that they will take over the situation or he will lose control. I really can’t take much more of this.

I have an appointment with my therapist for both of us this month, but I was hoping you could give some advice, or possibly recommend a book that teaches you how to know what you need so you can communicate / help your man to change & treat you differently… Tammy

I have included the letter in its entirety because there is so much going on with this poor girl, and I want to be sure that we cover it all today. The reason being, I know so many women that find themselves in this exact same situation. Our entire program would not exist if men everywhere treated women the way they deserved and needed to be treated. But the sad fact remains, it just doesn’t happen. Tammy wants to know how she can learn what she deserves. But the truth is, Tammy, you already know the answer to that or you wouldn’t be writing me at all. What you really want to know is how to get him to treat you the way that you need to be in the way that you deserve to be.

You Can’t Change What You Can’t Acknowledge

Well there are a few old sayings I’m going to bring up that will turn the light bulb on for you on this one. The first being, you can’t change what you can’t acknowledge. So as far as your part in the relationship is concerned, you are acknowledging that this isn’t working and this needs to change. But the only thing you have the power to change is your reaction and your responses to being treated poorly. You have absolutely no control over how he responds or reacts to your needs and what you deserve.

In other words, only he can change what HE acknowledges. If he does not acknowledge that he’s not treating you well, then there is very little that I can do right now. For him. But what I can do for you, is offer some relationship advice that will help you to go after what you need and what you deserve, and help you to pursue, actively, what you need and what you deserve.  So that’s the approach that we’re going to take care of today. And this is the approach that any woman that is dating a narcissist can and should take.

This is a situation where you are sharing finances and children and a home together, so it is even more important for you to express to him that something needs to change here. I’m glad that you have a therapist that can help you out with some relationship advice as well, and there you will also learn the need for being the one in control of this situation in your life.  I think one thing that we can all agree on by reading your letter is that he is not treating you well.

Set Boundaries – There’s No Excuse For Being Mean

You mentioned a lot of reasons for him not treating you well, he has a bad life, a drug addicted mother, family members that destroyed his home, and all sorts of things like that. You also mentioned that he needs to be taught how to be respectful. I agree with this. He needs to make some changes here. What I don’t agree with, is that having a bad life is an excuse for treating someone poorly. It’s not.

So it’s time for you to have a talk with him, and lay out your needs and what you deserve as kindly as possible. I would recommend that you also into the No Contact zone. But in your situation, because you live with him, you can’t go cold turkey not talking to him. But you can go cold turkey without intimacy.   So my recommendation to you would be to enter a physical No Contact zone until you all have sort of figured out what each of you needs to do in this relationship to make it work.

I don’t like that he mocks you when you express your feelings and what you need in this relationship. That is a very big red flag, and you are spot on that he might be a narcissist or misogynist, like your other boyfriends.  And the biggest problem with narcissists is that they will never change because it’s impossible for them to acknowledge that they’ve done wrong to somebody else. It has happened, but it’s rare. So the next time you have a talk with him and have expressed to him what you need and what you deserve, you need to immediately launch the No Contact zone.

Tell him you need to take a break from physical intimacy while you sort your thoughts and feelings out, and while he supports his thoughts and feelings out. Basically, start from scratch in your relationship as if it’s your first date, even though you are living together and share children. Tell him that you want to explore things in a relationship that have nothing to do with intimacy, and that in order for you to stay in this relationship, you need him to respect those boundaries.  Let him know that when you feel comfortable with him again, and feel that he is respecting your needs and boundaries, you will be willing to go back to the physical side of your relationship. And I would give that a good 30 days like any other No Contact zone.

If he loves you and really wants to make it work, he will acknowledge what he needs to change, and make those changes. He will do that because he loves you and wants you to be happy. But if he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. I would recommend for your own personal safety that you had this conversation with him in a public place, like when you’re out for lunch or having a coffee or something. I don’t recommend having the conversation privately, by text or email, or in a place where it’s just the two of you alone as he will be given many opportunities to be little and do you mean your desires and your wishes. I’m not saying that he’ll do that, but you can take away that option for him by doing this in a public place. After that, take one step at a time just putting 1 foot in front of the other slowly but surely every day until you feel peace.

The most important relationship advice that I could ever give to anybody, is that sometimes you don’t want to get your boyfriend back. And that’s because sometimes they treat you badly. But there is hope in this relationship because you have an extended history with him. But at the same time, you don’t want to lose more years of your life by being treated poorly.

So the best relationship advice I could give you right now, Tammy, is to love your Self first.  Acknowledge what you can change, and make sure that your needs and desires are clearly defined and your boundaries are said. And if he doesn’t make them? Well then he doesn’t meet them and he doesn’t deserve to be with you.

Have a look at some of our articles that will help you determine whether or not you’re in an abusive situation, or things you can do to put yourself first. Because it’s time that you started! Dear readers, do you have any relationship vice for our friend? Have you ever been in a relationship with a narcissist?

Relationship Advice For Women on Controlling Men – How to Let Go

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We get a lot of messages and questions about controlling men. The relationship advice for these women is always the same:  Let go. It seems that freedom is such a rare commodity these days, that you shouldn’t have to fight for it in your own home too. But it’s easy to say that, isn’t it? It’s a lot harder to do when you have spent years with someone.  We have a question from a reader that is dealing with this painstaking problem. She wants relationship advice about a man that she is not even in love with.  There’s so many women going through this right now, that I wanted to highlight this question today. Why do they stay? Here’s what our friend Arezoo has to say.

Hi , I really need some advice about my boyfriend . we were together for almost 8 months. from the beginning he is serious but I am not. he was so jealous about my ex or my male friends that come to the point I choose him and don’t have connection with my ex or ex classmates or coworkers. he has some tip of controlling behavior but except this , he is so kind, hardworking ambitious guy and we have a good sex life too. he is so shy and some how anti social and I used to be so social . but after I am serious with him , try not to be so social and limit my friends cycle.

we are living with together now for 2 months but I am still not sure that I want him to introduce my family and be married . I know I don’t love him but I feel calm and safe and be loved around him, and I should mention I am 34 years old and I want to be married before 40 . please help me how can I make sure to be with him or just let go and move on ! Thank you, Arezoo

We get a lot of messages like this.  So let’s recap this. They’ve been together for 8 months and were living together at 6 months. She knows she doesn’t love him, but she feels safe and loved. She is 34, and wants to be married by 40. But, he’s jealous and asking her to choose between him, and her friends. I repeat – she says she feels loved by him.

First, no man that ever loves you will ever ask you to lose friends for him. So dear Arezoo, you are spot on that he is a controlling and jealous person.  But he’s displaying some of the warning signs of not just controlling, but psychological abuse. Isolation from family and friends is one of the first warning signs.  You are allowed to be in love, and have friends too. Is this man going to be okay with that with you? My guess is no, he’s already said you can’t.

These controlling men escalate. Once he has succeeded in isolating you from friends, he works on your family. He will make excuses and come up with stories on why you should see them less, and less, and less, until one day you wake up and realize it’s been years since you saw them. You did what he asked because you thought it meant you were showing him that you love him.

But no man that loves you will ever want to erase your support system.

I actually do understand him not wanting you to be around your ex. That is pretty normal, and not controlling. I don’t know the context of the conversations you have with him about that. But you would be hard pressed to find a man that wants you to spend more time with your ex. So I’m going to give him that one, and you may want to consider doing the same if you want to stay with him.

But friends or classmates? No. You are allowed to have friends sweetie. And having friends doesn’t mean you don’t love your man.

Which brings me to my next point. You actually use the words “I don’t love him.” For most people, this ends the conversation. You don’t need relationship advice, my friend. You need courage to do what your heart is telling you to do.

This is not one of those situations where you need help to make him miss you. And I have a feeling that if you asked him to leave your home, and entered the “No Contact” zone, you are one of the women that would be okay with that. You wouldn’t be checking your phone every five minutes, instead, you would be cringing every time you heard the text tone as you would be wondering if it was him bothering you again. The No Contact exercise would be easy for you. Because you don’t love him, and find many of his traits very stifling.

This alone should be all you need to know on what to do next. I don’t know your living situation, but if it is your house he is staying in, then it’s very easy to ask him to go. Ask for a little break, tell him you need a little space. That moving in after 6 months was a little fast and overwhelming for you. Tell him that in a month or so you two will talk and reassess. Give yourself that month of space, you’ll find it very liberating. You’ll be able to clear your head and think about this without having him poking over your shoulder every five minutes wondering who you are talking to.

If it is his house that you moved into, then take the time to do what you need to do to get a new place before you make the move. That’s just the smart and practical thing to do. Maybe you already have the funds to do so and can move right now. But if you don’t, start socking away a little bit at a time every time you get some income, until you have enough. Then, make your move. Or, if you can, move in with some parents or friends until you can get back on your feet again.

When you are telling him that this is your plan, do so in a public place. This is for your own safety. Tell him gently and with kindness that you need a little break, just to clear your head, and you are living somewhere else for a little while. Or that he is.  And when you leave that meeting, leave to go to your new home, or wherever you have set up for yourself.  Wait for him to leave the establishment, before you do. Jealous and controlling men have a way of following women that have just cut them loose. So don’t give him any of those opportunities.

I have a feeling that if you enter a 30 day no contact period with him, you will find much relief. Trust me, the last thing you want to do is marry a guy you don’t love. Because this marriage is doomed before it even begins. Marriage is a HUGE decision and should not be made just because someone makes you feel safe. You need to love everything about this person. Because if it ends, and my hunch is that it will within 5 to 7 years, then you are going to be dealing with a far bigger nightmare than you are dealing with now.

Spare yourself that grief now. One month of clarity time in the no contact period is worth saving yourself years of heartache down the road. And you will even find that once you are free of having someone over your shoulder every five minutes, you will feel more free to look for love in other places.

There is someone out there that loves you, or will love you fully and completely without asking you to give up a single thing for them. But cut a guy a break when he wants you to move on from an ex. That is healthy.  Any other kind of controlling or jealous behavior though is not. You deserve to live your life in freedom. When someone else is calling your shots, that is not freedom.

Get your free will back and take control of this situation.  Make him miss you by showing him you are a strong, independent woman who deserves to be treated better. Maybe he will kick his jealousy and controlling habits when he sees you really mean it. And maybe he won’t. But that’s his problem, not yours. Love your Self enough to let go, at least for a little while, just to see what life sends your way in those 30 days. And let us know how this goes!

Definition of Respect: Dating Advice Regarding Hot Potato Heads

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When it comes to relationships, the best dating advice you will ever get is that if there is not mutual respect in the relationship, there is no relationship. Mutual respect occurs when both parties respect each other. Simple. But, not really, or we wouldn’t be here dissecting the topic of respect. It’s okay to be mad at your partner. It’s not okay to be mad at them ALL the time, or treat them like your personal hot potato.  We have a letter from a reader seeking relationship advice about Hot Potato Guy.

You know the one. We’ve all had this at some point in our dating lives. He loves you, he loves you not. He loves you, when it’s convenient for him.  Then, when you call him out on this nonsense, he pulls the, “Sorry, sorry, sorry I won’t ever do it again I promise!” bit. And then “Whoops I think he did it again.”

Britney Spears has a song about this that spells it out pretty clear, that’s just how common it is. He did it again, he played with your heart, made you believe you were more than just friends, because he’s not that innocent. And then the girl goes crawling back to him.  Our friend Scarlette has been dealing with just such a Hot Potato Head, and wants relationship advice on how to actually show him what respecting her means.

This one’s easy. But let’s have a look at what Scarlette says.

“I read your article about respect and it really resonated with me. I realise that I can only change my behaviour and part of the problem is continuing to accept his behaviour and let it go. But I seem to be frequently letting it go and feeling hurt as it happens repeatedly. So I need to stop accepting this behaviour from him and let him know that it’s not ok. But in real terms what does this mean? I have talked to him about it when after he behaves in a less than considerate way. He acknowledges it but then a week later seems to be doing it again. I stopped responding to his calls and texts then we had a chat after I got some space but again same old. So how should I be responding when he behaves like this or does it just take time? Because he can acknowledge it after the fact but all these conversations are getting boring and obviously it’s not helping. Advice please! Thank you, Scarlette x”

Congratulations, Scarlette on realizing that you are worth better, and more than what this guy is offering you. You can’t change what you can’t acknowledge. So you feel icky inside when he treats you this way. This happens a lot, meaning you also in turn feel icky a lot. You’ve talked to him about it, like a grownup, and communicated your feelings. Congratulations on that step too, because that’s a hard one. And when people miss that step, I usually hear from them. You are one step ahead and should be proud of yourself for signalling to him you are better than what he is giving you.

Frankly, you don’t need my relationship advice on that point. It’s clear that the No Contact you are engaging is working. Because it works. But what you really need from me is to change his mind and actually see the error of his ways. I am not a magician. I can not do this. Mr. Potato Head needs to put his big boy pants on and figure this one out for himself.

But you can take it to another level. He already knows that you know you deserve to be respected. You don’t need to re-learn the definition of respect. He does. Clearly, his history is repeating itself.  He is not truly and genuinely acknowledging the error of his ways if he keeps making the same mistake.

And that’s not on you to fix. It’s on him to fix.

People that are genuinely sorry for hurting someone they love don’t keep doing it. What goes through their mind when it is genuine and real love is, “Oh no! I can’t stand to see that look on their face again, so I will never do this again. Ever.” And then they work really hard to not do it again.

When it comes to playing with someone’s heart, people that love you will not do this. Because they love you.

You know that you need to stop accepting this behavior, and there’s nothing more that you do beyond that.   So you need to actually stop accepting this behavior. When he calls or texts again, and you respond, you send the message to him that you are still accepting this behavior.  This is where you go wrong.

Don’t beat yourself up for it, either. Like I say, we have all been there and done the exact same thing. Clearly you are very good at communicating your needs. You just need to be slightly better at it. The next time he tries to gloss over the error of his ways, and get you back, just respond, “Is this for real this time or am I getting back on the merry-go-round again?”

That will be all the dose of reality that he needs. Well, it should be.  Sometimes I wish more men wrote in seeking relationship advice when they get those kinds of texts.

This is still worth saving. He clearly sees something in you to keep you on the yo-yo string. He just needs a little bit more nudging on your part. Walk this out in your head. This is going to go one of two ways.

  • You will make him miss you, and he will smuck himself upside the head and actually do better next time. Orrrr….
  • He will say, “Pfftt whatever.” And keep scrolling to his phone to the next yo-yo that doesn’t mind being treated like a hot potato.

Either way, you will have your answer. And if it’s option 2, then at least you know. But any relationship advice person is going to tell you the same thing: You can make him miss you, but you can’t make him respect you. You can only remind him that you are worth respecting. What happens after that is up to him. And if it’s a mutual respect relationship, I see this going in a very positive way. And if it isn’t, then well, you know that too and can keep looking for that guy that will crave your texts and not toss you back and forth.

Relationship Advice When You’re Dating Mr. Someone Else’s Husband

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You might be surprised how often we get the question, “How do I make him miss me when he’s married to someone else?”  We get it a lot. If you’ve been reading this site for more than a few articles, then you probably already know what my answer to this one is going to be. I have no judgement in these situations for the women that are treated poorly by married men. Or by anyone, male or female married that is playing with someone else’s heart, when that someone else is not legally contracted to you through marriage.  While I reserve judgement, I do have some relationship advice for women that find themselves in this situation though.  Here’s Salisha’s concern.

HI , I have been dating a married man for 5 years now…. its been 2 years since we saw each other but we do chat on the phone and video call each other. I love him very much but now he decided to let go due to me been out and spending time with my girlfriends. He is a very immature man and wants me to give him every detail of what i am doing threw the day. Please help me get him back. Salisha.

 First, I’m a little confused by the timeline on this one. Are the two years of separation part of the five years? Because if they are, then you haven’t been dating him for 5 years. You dated, and have been chatting on the phone and Skype or what have you for 2 years.  That’s still a relationship though, you just can’t call it dating. Dating is when you are seen out in public with someone who is proud to be with you.

So you’ve been involved in a relationship for 5 years with a married man. That is a long time to pin your hopes on someone. What happens to many women in this situation is that they think they will be The Next One, to make him divorce The One That Came First.  So they stay, and they stay, and they wait for the divorce, and they stay and they wait, and get sadder with every passing day. Five years later they are writing me, or someone else, wondering what to do about it.

If you want to know how to get your married boyfriend back, you need to enter the No Contact zone immediately, and cold turkey. Nobody has the right to make you report to them on your daily comings and goings. Nobody.  A married person has even fewer rights to do so. It’s none of his beeswax what you are doing through the day, or who you are doing it with.  He’s doing this because he’s a cheater, and has trust issues because he knows how easy it is to cheat.  But that’s his stuff, not yours.  Next time he asks you that, ask him how the wife and kids are doing. He won’t ask again. And if he does, hang up the phone or end the skype/facetime chat.

I agree with you, Salisha, that he sounds very immature. This is the guy that wants to have his cake and eat it too. You already know that he has relationship issues, and has difficulty sustaining a healthy relationship, or difficulties dealing with a relationship in a healthy way. That was a fact in your case before you even started dating.

It’s not your job to carry his baggage.

Anyone, man or woman, that starts dating other people while married is not good relationship material. They have baggage before you even say hello. Now he wants you to carry his for him? Nuh uh sister.  That is not your job.

Your job when it comes to dating is to find someone that makes you feel like a better person. Your job is to find someone that loves you, even those little annoying quirks that we all have, and accepts you fully and completely. You should feel BETTER about your Self when you are dating or in a relationship. You should never, ever feel worse. The moment you start feeling worse, is the moment you need to come up with your exit plan.

And you know in your heart that is my relationship advice for you, right, Salisha? To create your exit plan. This man is legally contracted to someone else. You don’t want to get in the way of this.  Do you really want to testify on a stand about your nitty gritty relationship details? It could happen.  It has happened to many other women in your exact situation.  That’s only one of about a million reasons what is happening in your love life is a really bad idea.

Marriage is a legal contract. He is breaching that contract by his behavior, and dragging you into his own baggage. This is not your job to enable him. My suggestion to you would be to get as far away from this hot mess as you can.

Ahhhh but you love him. I get it. He obviously does care for you as well or he wouldn’t be so obsessed about your comings and goings. But he doesn’t have a right to that while he is involved in a legal contract with someone else. So don’t let him.

I don’t know if this can be saved or not. In your favor you have history and love. In the “against” column you have one really big item – another marriage. So before either of you can engage in a healthy relationship with each other, you each need to singly take care of your own relationship in a healthy and legally acceptable manner. For him, that’s going to have to be figuring out what he wants.

You deserve more than being someone’s sloppy seconds.  A lot more. Worlds more. You deserve a guy that takes you out and public and smiles to the waiter, “That’s MY date!!”  There are guys out there like that. But I’m guessing Mr. Married doesn’t want to go out in public with you in case someone sees you two together. That is not okay, and such a disrespect to both you and his wife.

She could be a total psycho that sets animals on fire for all I know, and I would still give you the same advice. Maybe he doesn’t belong to her. Clearly, he questions that himself. But he’s gotta take care of that business before he’s anywhere near the healthy state of mind to take care of you. You deserve at least that.

And you need to tell him that. Tell him you are going No Contact, cold turkey. I’m not even going to say 30 days on this. Tell him this is happening indefinitely, until he figures out his own life. You owe him no explanations on what you do with yours until then. If you want to get your boyfriend back and make him miss you, this is what you have to do. It’s for your own peace of mind. You will feel so much better when you do, even when you miss him during that space.

During that time, go out and do whatever you want enjoying the freedom that comes with not having to report back to Mr. Married. And let us know how this goes, okay? I’ll be thinking of you. Dear readers, what do you think Salisha should do about Mr. Married guy? Has anyone else cut him off cold turkey with good results?

Relationship Advice for Men: She Loves Me, or She Loves Me Not?

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There’s literally nothing worse than pining for someone. And yes, we’ve all been there. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here! It’s a desolate, lonely feeling. And believe it or not, men feel it too! We have a letter from a reader who is going through just that, with a woman he met on, of all days, Valentine’s Day.  They met, had a push and pull period, and then bounced back to a moment where they fell in love, and *almost* lived happily ever after. Now, David needs relationship advice for men, and is wondering whether or not she even loved him at all! Our heart goes to you, David.  We’ve all been there.

Let’s have a look at David’s story.

Three years ago on February 14th I met a lovely woman at a client meeting for my work.  I am an architect and she is a mechanical engineer.  We exchanged information and discussed the project at hand over a few emails and then upon completion of the project didn’t speak for 18 months…So three years had gone by, her number lived in my phone and was never called or texted.  I went to an event and gave a presentation.  After I did spot her and walked over to say hello…..So this 46 year old architect found everything he always wanted in this 42 year old Mechanical Engineer.  It was the very best of everything.  Neither of us had loved nor found love like we shared together. It was truly amazing for us both and we planned a long future together.  We agreed to go slow, she would keep her place until the lease was up or until she was ready to move in….  She would finalize her divorce and we would grow and love together.  This went on for 4 months into August.

At that point she came to me and said she was having a tuff time.  As she explains it, she was having conflicting feelings of wanting and loving me and also wanting to be alone like she was when I met up with her in April.  She admitted she didn’t know why she felt this way but it nagged at her.  As much as she loved all of us she felt compelled to be alone more and more, this lead to her doubting if she truly loved me.  She began to doubt everything and as it unraveled she decided to end it.  At the same time she told me I was everything in the world for her.  Everything she ever wanted, the very best lover she had ever had.  She loved everything about US….  In the end she simply said, “I’m not ready…..I need to be alone. …She says she did fall in love with me but doesn’t love me and doesn’t ever think she will.  She says she doesn’t want anyone else and that I’m the very best man she has ever met.  If she can’t have me then could she have someone else?   She truly took my heart with her and nothing seems to make a difference.  I do want her back.  I do love her more than anything ever in this life.  I’ve tried to date but its completely pointless…. I honestly don’t know what to do.  David.

First let’s address the confusion, on her part.

This has been a relationship that is three years in the making. Even though you haven’t talked to each other every day for three years, you still have a three year history.  At one point during this three years, she told you that you were everything to her, that your relationship was everything to her, and that you were everything she ever wanted. Then she went cold shoulder.

If you want my opinion, she went more like “cold feet” than anything. This is a woman that sounds confused, and doesn’t truly believe she is ready for a relationship.  Clearly, you ARE everything that she wants. And that scares her!

Remember, David, this is a woman that has already been through a divorce. The closer you get to a deep commitment that is heading towards marriage, the more scared she is going to be. This is why I always caution women AND men to take it slow before marriage. Marriage is a legally binding situation, and MUCH more difficult to get out of, than it is to get into. Frankly, if you want my opinion, and I’m guessing since you wrote that you do, marriage should be harder to get INTO, and easier to get out of. For just the reasons you mention.

Divorce baggage is a serious thing, that has impacted over half the population already. MOST rational human beings have trepidations when it comes to deciding whether or not to take that step. And none of those trepidations are irrational, or have anything to do with how they feel about any ONE person. She could love you to the Moon and back, and still have reservations and fears about plunging into the legalities and contracts and commitments and responsibilities of marriage again.

And it sounds like she does love you to the Moon and back. But she’s been stung once, and doesn’t want to go there again. My guess is that her confusion has everything to do with divorce baggage, and nothing to do with you personally. She has as much told you so, by telling you she needs some space and some alone time.

Second, let’s answer your question about “someone else.”

If she’s being honest in the words she has told you, then no. She can’t have someone else.  And it doesn’t really sound like or look like she even wants someone else. I think she genuinely wants to be a lone, for a little bit.  I don’t know if she’s being dishonest with you. I do think she is very confused, or just needs to take a step back from her fears, and experience what having space looks like.

The first clue that it sounds like real love to me is your statement that you’ve tried to date again, and found it pointless. That’s a good sign. And my guess is that she feels the same.  Have a look at my article about the “On Again, Off Again” relationships. I want you to pay special importance to the section on how both people feel during the break up times. She is very likely going through the same things you are.

But she still needs space. I am not sure how much time has passed since you gave her that space, but if it’s been more than 30 days without contact, I would touch base with her again. Just a brief note, like you did when you contacted her on LinkedIn. Something casual and breezy that sends her the message that hey, she’s still on your mind!

Otherwise, there is not much relationship advice for men I could offer to those dealing with someone that just needs space. Give it to her. When she sees you respecting her and giving her what she wants, she feels safer with you, and this will intuitively draw her closer to you. Sounds like you have this one checked off already. So it may be time to touch base with her again. Let us know how it goes! Does she love you or does she love you not? I think she does. But you can’t blame her for being a little fear-based after she’s already been in divorce court. So be the safe space for her, and come back to tell us how that went. Readers, what do you think?

Dating Advice For The Soul Mate That Has Had Enough

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Ever been in one of those relationships where it just felt like you were bouncing back and forth with each other, and your feelings? Of course you have. One of the reasons so many couples have a yo-yo relationship, for years, is the soul mate factor. I am no expert on soul mates but one thing I do know about love and relationships is that if you are having the same yo-yo effect in your relationship for years, there’s a high love potential there. This could even be soulmate level. Most relationships do not go on and on like this for years, unless there is SOMEthing keeping that string going on the yo-yo. We get questions from readers about this yo-yo experience all the time. The biggest relationship advice question they have is, “We broke up and what do I do now??”

Today we are going to look at just such a scenario. We have a couple who by all counts, over the course of three years, have told each other they are each other’s soul mate. They’ve broken up multiple times, and each time they find themselves kissing each other eventually. Our reader, Amy, has noted her problems in the relationships, and has owned her part.

That’s a standing ovation from me for that! Some people go their entire lives never figuring this out, that they need to own their part. So Amy has been doing her work on her since the last breakup. Now she wants to know what to do. Let’s have a look at this story.

Its been almost 2 weeks since my ex bf split with me. We were a bit hungover on a Sunday afternoon and I started to nag and annoy him which made him flip out dramatically and him scream “I can’t do this anymore” and leave the house. I fb messaged him the next day to say he was a coward to leave me like that no real explanation and he just confirmed again saying, I just can’t do it with you anymore. I told him he was nothing to me and since then I haven’t spoken to him since.  I’m trying to give him space and using the no contact rule. But I feel like I haven’t a clue what is happening, especially in his head.  A bit about us – We have been together for almost 3 years now, we are best friends we do everything together, and that’s because we both want to…He loves the bones off me, he’s the sweetest guy does anything and everything for me emotionally and physically. He is my soul mate the only person who gets me and I get him and he says this to me 24/7. However, the last half year or so I’ve been insecure about my weight, that I have gained, I’ve had no job, he has been paying for everything helping me. I suppose I’ve got a bit lazy with myself and everything and then of course the nagging.

Last 6 months or so he has broken up with me a few times over WhatsApp/text saying we need to go our separate ways he cant do it blablabla, finding an excuse, leaving me in tears and upset. Straight away I have told him not to and said sorry things will change blablabla. Of course, he comes over and sees me and him being the beautiful soul he is hugs me and stays and we carry on the relationship just like that. But nothing changes, I don’t change. But now I am. I am working on myself, eating healthily, exercising, I’ve lost several pounds already. I’m not drinking. I really can see now what I have done wrong and how I let the fun get sucked out of the relationship because when we are happy my god, we are happy!

What do I do? I want to fix this so bad! Apart from my nagging and moaning, everything was perfect! I am on my tenth day of contact but I think I need to apologise and let him know how I feel. He could just be thinking I am angry and don’t wanna speak to him? What do I do?

 Let’s address the first question: What is he thinking?

 The answer to that is, if he’s not telling you, it’s none of your business. The other answer to that is, you don’t need to know what he is thinking to fix this.  How your relationship functions is not a function of ONLY what he is thinking. You’ve taken some steps already, Amy, that show that you know this. You know you own your part in the split. I can’t congratulate you enough for that.

Never change your weight for a guy, period. But if you know that some nagging issues have led to this demise or breakup, then you know how to fix at least your role in this breakup. If you want to get your boyfriend back, the next step is the No Contact Rule.  You say, “I am trying to follow the No Contact Rule but it’s hard because I don’t know what’s in his head.”

Again, you don’t need to for the No Contact Rule to be successful. You will learn what he is thinking by activating the No Contact Zone immediately. But you have to stay true to it. You can’t just say you aren’t going to contact him, and then give up on your Self because he texted you. The No Contact Period is for YOU to clear your head and get your stuff together. You’ve already started this. But you can’t clear your head when you are answering his messages.

He’s already told you that you are his soul mate.  Those are some serious words! You have the advantage of having true love and experience on your side.  So you can’t make him miss you by being in his face all the time. And that’s what you really want at this stage of the game.

Let’s look at your second question: What do I do now??

 You’ve answered your own question. You know you need the No Contact Period, but you just have to get committed to it.  I talk a lot about How to Stay True to the No Contact Rule. Refresh your memory on that, and make the choice to be committed to it. You want to get your boyfriend back, right? So be as committed to the process, no matter how hard it is, as you are to him.  It is for the benefit of your relationship if he sees what it’s like to go 30 days without hearing back from you.

My guess is that it’s going to be very difficult for him to do this. And through that, you will make him miss you.

Once that 30 days is up, touch base with him about something super minor and breezy. Or just say hi. Make sure you let him know that you’ve been doing a lot of work on you in your quiet time. He will really admire you for that! After he responds, I am confident you can take it from there. Let us know how this goes, we are all rooting for you! Readers, what do you think Amy should do? Have you had a similar soul mate experience?

 

 

Dating Advice: What To Do AFTER the No Contact Period Makes Him Miss You

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One of the hardest things about relationships is missing someone.  And, as you know, one of the most common pieces of dating advice or relationship advice that I have is, activate a No Contact Rule.  Why? Because it works. If there is only one tool that can make him miss you, it’s making him miss you. And the only way you can do that is through No Contact. That means zero. Zilch. None. Period. No matter how much he texts you or Facebook messages you or calls and leaves the pleading voicemails.

If he’s doing that, you have proof that you are winning in the “make him miss you” stage.  If he’s not contacting you, but you do have a history, he’s still thinking about you. That’s why the No Contact component of the Make Him Miss You mission is SO successful.  When you aren’t easy to get to, he wonders.  It’s human nature!

But that 30 day period of No Contact is really hard. I get it. While you are making him miss you, you are missing him. Dreadfully.  But what next? We have a reader who is doing very well with the No Contact rule, and just needs to know what to do when that is complete. We get this question all the time. So today I want you to see what happens when the No Contact Rule actually works. We have one reader who is about halfway through the process of the No Contact and the “Make Him Miss You” stage. The only relationship advice she needs at this point is, what next. So let’s have a look and see if we can help her out.

 I was dating a guy for a couple months. But the couple months were fast and intense. We went away for a weekend together by our fourth date. We had so much fun together, even the bartenders would come over and say they just enjoyed watching us together and listening to our conversations. It seemed like we had a real connection.  but things were early, we were both open about the fact that we were not exclusive (we were both dating another person). But it seemed like we were spending more time together and he told me he had a better connection with me. He took me to concerts, out on the town, and offered to take me to a patriots game. 3 days before the game, he texted me and told me he was so sorry but his dad was coming into town unexpectedly (from GA to MA) and he was going to have to take him instead. I was pissed but didn’t lash out. Just told him no, he couldn’t make it up to me. Good luck and have a nice life basically. I was pissed because as a nurse that works every other weekend, had to make a bunch of switches to go to the game and he knew that. I also assumed he would try to win me back instead of accepting the boot.

Then on Facebook (relationship killer, i know)  I saw that his dad tagged both the guy and another girl in thanking them for a great weekend. When I asked who the girl was, he explained it was the other girl he was seeing and no, he did not take her to the game in my place, he had taken her to the Red Sox and she met his dad with him for a few drinks. I unleashed. Totally went nuts and it went back and forth between, he didn’t want to see me, yes he did, I didn’t want to see him, yes I did. The convo ended with him buying tickets to a concert for us. Being embarrassed about how crazy I went, I ended up cancelling on the concert. I assume he took the other girl instead.

2 days of no contact, i sent him an apology text about how crazy I went and how sorry I am, and that I was just so stressed from court (with my ex) and I would hope he’d be up for getting a beer with me later in the week. I also said, I hope to hear back from you, but if not, good luck with everything and that I genuinely meant that. I didn’t hear back from him. That was now 6 days ago.

I deleted him from my Facebook and unfollowed him on Instagram because I didn’t want anything else popping up on my newsfeed. He still follows me on Instagram and snapchat so I’ve tried to keep my posts to a minimum.   I will continue the no contact rule, because 1- it’s the only way I’m going to make him miss me and 2- he may not want to hear from me anyway. but I feel like I need someone to tell me exactly how it is. Do I text him in a month to say hi? Or do I just leave it and lose one of the greatest connections I felt I’ve ever had?  Sincerely, Kristine

 Let’s all stop and give Kristine a big round of applause for making it this far in the No Contact Period. We know he still has feelings or he wouldn’t still be following you on social media. So there’s something here to work with. The next few weeks are the hardest, because you want to text him or call so badly, but are still in that zone.

What you’ve done right so far….

Don’t succumb to folding the No Contact Zone.  Kristine is being smart here about what she is posting on social media, so she doesn’t send any wrong or mixed messages to someone that she cares about very deeply.  She has owned her part in the relationship, and the relationship demise. She has apologized, and tried to move past it.

When it comes to fixing past mistakes, that’s all you can do. What he does with it from this point forward is on him, not you. So you’ve done everything, and by that I mean everything, right so far. You’ve been very clear in your intentions, as has he, and you two clearly know how to communicate to each other. It’s okay to get upset with him sometimes. That’s called being human. But you’ve both demonstrated your ability to be clear and real with each other. That’s a huge relationship accomplishment in itself! Thank you for serving as a good example to all women seeking dating or relationship advice in similar situations.

So that’s what you’ve done right. I am not going to take a leap and say you have done anything wrong, either. You have done everything right. So let’s have a look at your next question.

What do I do after the No Contact Zone?

The one thing to do after the No Contact period is up is to touch base. Once you are past the 30 day mark, you are out of the zone. You can feel free to contact him. Follow your heart here. I can give you a sample text to use, but I think you’ve got this one covered. Invite him for a drink if you are feeling bold and that is what your heart is telling you to do. Or just send a text that just says, “Hey, remember me? Been thinking about you and wondering how you’ve been.”

If you are feeling even more bold than that, bring up the commitment issue. What have you got to lose? Well, if he doesn’t want the same thing, you might lose him. For now. But after a month of you making him miss you, things may be different for him now. And if he doesn’t want the same thing, now you know you don’t need to waste more time on him. Thank him for the learning experience of an awesome connection, and move on to find the guy that will give you an even better one, a committed one.

But I have a hunch that this guy may surprise you. Check out our instructions on How to Get Your Ex Back AFTER the No Contact Period. See? Your question is more common and relatable than you think. Let us know what you decide to do, and how it goes for you! Readers, do you have anything to add to this relationship advice?

 

Relationship Advice For Combat PTSD, Divorce, Custody, and More, Oh My…

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How do you make a relationship work with someone who has a LOT going on? Well if we could sell this in a bottle we would all be millionaires, is the cynical answer. But the truth is, the answer is easier than you think. Remember that relationships boil down to the keyword “relate.” When you master this concept in a relationship that has a LOT going on, you win in love. You BOTH do. We have a reader seeking relationship advice for someone that she is currently living with. She’s not looking for ways to make him miss her.  So the No Contact Rule is out of the question here. But she needs our help and support. Here’s Cassandra’s story.

My story is kinda like faiths. My ex boyfriend has combat PTSD. We have broke up once before. I moved to Florida to try and start a life with him twice now. I left everything in Alaska. This time we broke up because @ first it was he needed to focus on himself and getting his girls back. This was just after he refilled his claims with the VA and had to relive all the horrors again. He has been put on a generic for Zoloft.  His little girl’s mother is the reason we broke up the first time. She wanted him back and he felt that was the only way to guarantee he would be in his little girls life. It didn’t work and he wanted to give us a try again. It lasted 2 months and I know I had help in it. I kept asking him to label us a couple. Well that push the 3rd time lead to our breakup. I have since been thru his oldest daughter kimmy running away twice. His doctor appointments pretty much thru the thick and thin with him. His family has told me once he pushes a girl away they leave and he’s been thru being cheated on, and a domestic violence charge that an ex out on him that got dropped due to no evidence. I know heart wise he’s been hurt badly. We still cuddle at night and still live together. He’s kissed me 3 times recently. He doesn’t always text me, but when I text him hope ur having a good day @ class. He usually replied back. For some odd reason he invited me and his mom not once but twice the first time was to go visit his daughter in Colorado and the second was to move there with him. I was taken back and being I am kinda really guarded due to child abuse for one and trying to keep my heart from getting terribly hurt, I didn’t know how to reply or take it. He is a great guy he makes me laugh and helps me not to be so serious. The thing that worries me is like faiths story. Except he’s online on dating sites and transgender dating sites.  Looking and actually texting these people.  I want him back just like she did hers. Can you give me some pointers. His sister inlaw said to hang in there he’s never had a girl stick it out with him. Cassandra

Before we get to the relationship advice component of my response, let’s sum up what is going on in this relationship.  We can look at this from a pros and cons perspective, with the pros indicating the things you have going for you both, and the cons indicating your challenges.

PROS: What is going right in this relationship?

My answer to this one is, everything. Everything is going right…within the relationship. And that is the kicker. Unfortunately, this relationship has a lot of external variables, life stuff, that can make or break relationships. Clearly this relationship is on the brink of the make or break it point. So let’s make a list of all that is going well.

You both have history. And I’m not just talking about years and time. You’ve been through a LOT together. Most people don’t give up on someone that goes through something intense with them, something that could be life changing. And my bet is your man won’t either. He obviously needs you, and he knows he needs you.

So you have history, and you have many experiences that have bonded you to him, that nobody else has. Going through PTSD with a man is a life changing experience. For both of you. You may want to review our previous stories on that, When Your Man Has PTSD, or, my response to a reader when there’s a Mental Health Diagnosis in play. The number one thing that anyone suffering from a mental health diagnosis is a support team. You are already part of that team whether he has acknowledged you or not. Never giving up on them is your task number one. You’ve done a great job with that!

The other thing going well here is this unique family perspective. You’ve obviously bonded with him enough to develop family bonds.  His own family has even given you relationship advice! Listen to them. They know him better than anyone.

I understand you have been through a life that has destroyed your ability to trust in some ways. But you have made it this far, baby! I’m so sorry that you have experienced pain that has crushed your childhood heart. But you, and this man, have made it together in one piece. Keep on keeping on with him, and he will remember you and love you for years to come.

CONS: What is going wrong in this relationship?

What is going wrong with this relationship are events beyond your control. So you can’t try and fix them. He’s got medical concerns, insurance concerns, ex concerns, a LOT of ex concerns, children, custody matters, and you’ve hinted at some transgender issues.  You can’t control or change any of those matters. And you don’t want to, unless you want him to turf you for good. No man wants to be changed. EVERY man just wants to be accepted, and to realize and know that they are enough for their person.

Don’t we all?

What can you do about it?

So that’s really the only thing you can do right now. Just keep being there for him, learning more about his issues, and supporting him unconditionally no matter what.  His sister-in-law has given you some great relationship advice.  I’m intrigued by this, and this gives me hope for you.  He has learned the hard way, that women do not love him and accept him unconditionally.  If you are different than the rest, he will fall head over heels into the commitment zone with you, even deeper than he already has.  When you do that, I truly believe you will find some amazing miracles.

The other thing you want to do is to let go of fears in talking to him. If you feel comfortable, ask him about the transgender thing and the online texts in a kind and loving way. “I just want to know what’s up with that. Can you help me to understand and support you in that?” That may well open him up and encourage him to enlighten you on this part of his life. You DO deserve answers here, so don’t be afraid to ask. Just remember to accept him as he is no matter what. And then the two of you can decide what happens with your relationship from here.  We wish you all the best. And please do let us know if this relationship advice works! What do you think, readers? What would you do?

 

The Top 3 Dating Mistakes That You Are Making

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What? Me? Making dating mistakes? What about HIM? He’s a hot mess!

Sound familiar? A little all too familiar. And I hear you, been there too.

But here’s the truth about dating.

There are two sides to every pancake ladies, and so if your relationship is less than ideal, that isn’t going to change until you take a look at your role in it. Until you know that you are doing absolutely everything in your power to make it the best dating life ever, then you play a role in the problems as well.

Now, that being said, doing everything in your power to work on your relationship…within reason, is the important takeaway from that first thought, but I will get to that. Today our dating advice is going to revolve around what you can do to change your relationship, or change your dating experience. We spend so much time wondering what HE’S doing, what HE could do better, what HE could change to make us happier, we spend far less time wondering what WE could do.

When was the last time that you asked yourself, “How can I make my dating life better?”

When you acknowledge that you have the control in your dating life, then your relationships automatically change for the better. But there is a very big difference between controlling your life, and controlling your men to the point that the words “stalker” and “restraining order” start surfacing into conversation. But sometimes women have a problem with that. I repeat, there is a very big difference between being in control of your LIFE, and being in control of your man.

On that note, let’s get right to it. Here are the top three dating mistakes that you are making right now, that you can also stop…right now. Let’s get to it.

1. Expecting too much. Now, this is a mistake that we all have made at one point in our dating world. But this mistake manifests itself in a number of different ways. From, visualizing yourself walking down the aisle with him when you are on your first date together, to, over reacting when he went out with the guys because he didn’t text you his whereabouts every 20 minutes. These are just examples. Here’s another one. “Dear Michelle, my boyfriend has been out of work for almost 2 years now and I know he is going to propose. How do I tell him I don’t want anything less than a 10 thousand dollar ring?”

Before I answer that question, let me preface my response by saying this is not an actual reader’s question, but I have heard this question from someone in my own life seeking my relationship advice very recently. My answer was, “You don’t. Unless you want him to break up with you.”

This is just one more example of expecting too much. When did we become such an entitled society that we leave all of the work up to the poor men of the world? They don’t owe us anything ladies. All they need to do is keep their promises. I repeat, all they owe us is kept promises. And, if they haven’t made those promises, even the act of expecting them to make them at some point in our dating life is asking too much of them.

Here’s the thing. If he wants to propose, or call when he says he will, or date you when he says he will, or take things to the next level, he will. But he won’t if he suspects that you expect this. Relationships only work when they work organically, and expecting too much too soon is going to leave you disappointed. Not only that, but you won’t even be able to blame him, because these expectations are all made by…..you.

Now, if he doesn’t call when he says he will, or doesn’t keep those promises, that’s a dating mistake that he is making. But this does not mean that you have the right to go postal on him. Which brings us to mistake number two.

2. Needing him too much. Let’s pretend for the sake of this argument that you have never heard, in a movie or otherwise, the phrase, “You complete me.” You know, and I may have even mentioned this here before, but I gotta say it again. I really hate that phrase when it comes to love because it has lead to so many problems for so many women and for so many reasons. How can you expect someone to fall in love with ALL of you when you are hoping they become a part of ALL of you. The point with this one is that it falls right into that category of placing too many expectations on him. Now you expect him to complete you? Really? No wonder he’s running! Who wants that pressure?

Come to him with ALL of you already in place. Or at least, as much as you can possibly muster. Needing him to sweep in and complete parts of you, that’s just not going to work and going to leave you very frustrated when he can’t fill those hefty shoes.

“Oh, that’s not me. Skip to number 3 please, that doesn’t apply at all!”

Really? Have you texted him or emailed him in the last 24 hour period, JUST so that you could hear back from him? JUST so that you could get some small reassurance that he still is thinking of you, caring for you, and you are still on his mind? And by that I mean, you had NO other reason to touch base, other than to receive your own small instant piece of gratification.

If you said yes to that, even silently in your head hoping nobody else heard, then you need him too much. Needing to hear from him just to know that he still likes you could be the biggest mistake you are making in dating right now. Because this mistake, when left unchecked, will fester and grow until it becomes something ugly. This is when you wind up leaving 20 voicemails on the same day getting more frantic each time because you haven’t heard from him.

Look at behavior like that and realize…those calls aren’t about him. They are about you, and your needs.

Hey listen, I am not trying to be the bad guy or get anybody to flush their phones and their texting, but these mistakes can not be corrected until you correct them. And needing him too much is a mistake.

Needing him period, that isn’t a mistake. You are allowed to need him. You can’t have a successful relationship if at some point you two do not realize that you both need each other. And so, together you both complete each other’s circles, and this way the need goes both ways. But, needing him to the point of excessive behavior is your second biggest mistake in your dating life. Nobody needs ANYBODY that badly. And the people that do, need help more than they need that text returned.

I’m not saying anyone is crazy. I too have made this mistake. We ALL have made this mistake. I get letters ALL the time about this mistake over, and over, and over again. Sometimes from the same women making the same mistake over, and over, and over again. Nobody is crazy here. We just need a little help knowing what we’re doing wrong, so that we can correct it.

So, as I say over, and over, and over again….ease off on the texting. The calling. The emailing. When you do that, watch him draw closer to you. It’s like magic. Just try it!

3. Not trusting enough. We need him too much, we expect too much of him, but when it comes to the one thing we SHOULD be doing in excess, we aren’t. And this kills love. Fast. Learning how to trust, and just giving in and letting go, is the best relationship advice you will ever get. That’s because it is also the toughest.

This is the one thing that we need to give MOST in our love lives, but it is also the one thing that we tend to give the LEAST. Why?

Because we’ve been schooled in love by the bad guys of the world. We’ve become bitter, cynical, sarcastic daters that almost believe there is no such thing as good guys anymore. Even if you have dated 20 bad apples last month alone, that doesn’t mean the next one that comes along will be too.

And maybe it will be. But you still need to give every guy you date the same fighting chance the last guy had. Even if you got burned. Why would you sell anyone short that didn’t deserve to be underestimated? What if he is The One? You will never find out if you are expecting him to fail and withholding trust because he doesn’t deserve it. Why judge every new guy you meet by the last guy you dated? How do you expect to become happy, ever, if you keep up this cycle?

Oh I know, between catfishers, players, gamers, cheaters, and all of the all around jerks of the world, it can be very tough to think that true love is even possible. But it is. Just remember, without true and authentic and unadulterated trust, it isn’t true love. If you can’t trust, you can’t love, it’s that simple.

Listen, I know it’s a gamble. Every time you have that new first date, you are throwing out the dice. I get that. I also get that you are tired and frustrated and convinced by the lack of good guy evidence in the world. But that doesn’t mean that the guy you are with now doesn’t deserve a fresh shot at it.

Have you found yourself questioning him for absolutely no reason? By “no reason” I mean, lack of evidence. I’m going to offer another example to illustrate this.

You have absolutely no evidence to suggest for example that he didn’t text you back all day yesterday because he was out with another woman, but that’s the first thing that pops into your head. In fact, it’s the only reasonable solution you can come up with because, well, you haven’t heard from him so he’s not offering you an alternative. And so, this thought bounces back and forth in your head and with every minute that passes without hearing from him this thought grows, and grows, and grows, and grows.

Until you do hear from him, just a simple text, “Hey, sorry, work got nuts yesterday.” And your response is, “Oh really? REALLY? Did you work like 23 hours or something yesterday? How long does it take to send a little text? It’s called common courtesy you know!”

All the while you are secretly relieved you did hear from him, even if it was just a hey. What you don’t know is that he’s picking up his phone, furrowing his brows and shaking your head at your text message, deleting it, and then complaining to the guys about how nuts you are because you flipped over one text message he didn’t have time to respond to.

How do you know he wasn’t trying to land a new client yesterday so that he COULD buy you that ten thousand dollar ring? You don’t. Anymore than you know that he was with another woman. And this is what I’m talking about when I say “evidence”. The only evidence you have with this example is that he was working, and couldn’t text you.

See how this example ties together….all of the above. And so I say to you, trust is the answer to all of these things, to correcting all of these mistakes. When you trust him, your expectations on him are realistic. When you trust him, you don’t “need” to hear from him every 30 seconds because you love him enough to give him the space to take care of the things he needs to take care of when he’s not with you. And when you trust him, he feels that, and if he is meant to be yours, he gives it back.

It is hard, and it is a gamble, and it may well be the hardest thing you do in life and love. But without it, love can not make the world go around my friends. Take down those walls, let go of the sarcasm and cynicism, stop judging him based on other people’s actions, and just….trust him. It’s okay. He’ll like it. I promise. And he will give as good as he gets.

When you are looking for relationship advice that you can actually use to change the way you date, check yourself for these three dating mistakes BEFORE you write in your questions. If you are making them it’s not too late to correct them. It never is. Put yourself in check and watch your dating life turn around. And even if you have still done that work, and still need a little bit of help, we love to hear from you. And don’t be so hard on yourself if you do make a mistake. You’re human. You’re allowed. And if he loves you, he knows that too. Until then, be loved!