Dating Advice For Women Dating Mr. Narcissist

Relationship Advice NarcissistsSadly, we got a lot of questions from women that have a really bad history of picking the wrong man. The best relationship advice for women that have difficulty with picking someone that treats them well is to make a clean break. But sometimes, this is not always realistic. We also get a lot of questions about how to make him miss you when you live together. This makes things complicated!

We have a reader today that is dealing with all of these issues. Tammy is a reader who has a history of picking man that our misogynists, or narcissists.  She doesn’t know what to do about it and she has found herself in another relationship where she’s being treated poorly. Her biggest question is “How do I know how I want to be treated?”

The answer to that one is simple. Clearly, Tammy already knows how she wants to be treated. But because she keeps picking questionable men, or men with issues, she’s not being treated the way she needs to be and the way she deserves to be. It’s very difficult to make him miss you when he’s a narcissist or misogynist and is only thinking of himself. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get him back. Even narcissist can be lovable, if they really want a genuine and authentic relationship to work.

But what can you do, Tammy, to make that happen? That’s what we’re going to talk about today, because sadly, many women are in the same boat as you. Here’s Tammy’s letter.

 Hello!

I have married and divorced an abusive narcissist I had 2 children with. He was a sex addict so that sort of defined my understanding of intimacy, since I had little / no emotional connection to my parents because I come from a family of 9 kids, very strict religious upbringing.  My parents had entirely unrealistic standards, and I ended up with an asshole.

Fast forward 2 years and I got dragged into dating another sex addict due to having poor emotional boundaries and not knowing anything about dating or respecting myself.  This guy was even more of a winner, cheated, misogynistic, and just downright crass, low class, crude, and disgusting. He grabbed and pawed at me like a pig, and bossed me around in the bedroom and forced me into a submissive position.

The only way I know to feel close to someone is sex, or talking. I’m currently dating a man that has the same socioeconomic background as the second guy I dated (I think his father used a lot of language that was derogatory towards women – for example the other night I came out of the bathroom after I’d put coconut oil on after a shower and he says “look at you all greased up like a stripper” and after the fact I realized that I stuff a lot of feelings in this relationship,  because it made me ANGRY  that he said that. We tried having sex later on, and it did NOT work out because he couldn’t stay hard. I think it’s because his remark really hurt me. I tried to explain this to him, and he tried to deny he said what he did, but I did not allow him to deny it. He shut down after that, and turned away from me and moved further to his side of the bed. I told him this kind of talk is insulting, why on earth would you tell the woman you love she looks like a stripper?!?

I have been finding more and more that he makes these comments and I try to ignore them but I hate them. I’ve allowed it to continue for 5 years, because every time I have tried to communicate with him, he tells me he can’t change who he is, or that he can’t change his family (he can’t seem to own that his language is inappropriate – he thinks “it’s just joking” and then he will make passive aggressive comments to “mock” my feelings afterwards, which he swears up and down that he’s not doing to stab at me, but that’s how it feels. It’s important to note that while I was getting away from the abusive relationship I was in, he was also struggling with a drug addicted mother, who destroyed his house and ran around on him. So we both understand a lot of things about each other that other people don’t,  and we have built a lot of good things together, including getting a house recently with our 3 kids. I just think he needs to be taught how to be tender, respectful, and use language during sex that isn’t crass or crude or something he learned from a porno. I know he wants to communicate better aND what I have asked him, he has done to the best of his ability,  but for things I don’t clearly define, he seems to have little or no imagination and he’s very obtuse as expected from a man, and it comes across as cutting sometimes even though I know he doesn’t mean it that way – because I will straight up tell him…. “your body language and actions are telling me X ” and he can’t argue that.

How do I know how I want to be treated,  touched, and talked to if all I know is from toxic men, and now a man who is a product of our society, in that he has little or no understanding of being tender / classy but takes any type of change or criticism as an attack and an insult? It’s difficult to say what I need when he responds with a frustrated tone / like he’s expecting me to scold him like a child when I just want him to understand how I feel, and that I don’t want him to be little my feelings?

He grew up with a good father but he was controlling and the family functioned by using sarcastic bickering to communicate, and I can’t get him to acknowledge feelings a lot, because I think he is terrified if he validates them, that they will take over the situation or he will lose control. I really can’t take much more of this.

I have an appointment with my therapist for both of us this month, but I was hoping you could give some advice, or possibly recommend a book that teaches you how to know what you need so you can communicate / help your man to change & treat you differently… Tammy

I have included the letter in its entirety because there is so much going on with this poor girl, and I want to be sure that we cover it all today. The reason being, I know so many women that find themselves in this exact same situation. Our entire program would not exist if men everywhere treated women the way they deserved and needed to be treated. But the sad fact remains, it just doesn’t happen. Tammy wants to know how she can learn what she deserves. But the truth is, Tammy, you already know the answer to that or you wouldn’t be writing me at all. What you really want to know is how to get him to treat you the way that you need to be in the way that you deserve to be.

You Can’t Change What You Can’t Acknowledge

Well there are a few old sayings I’m going to bring up that will turn the light bulb on for you on this one. The first being, you can’t change what you can’t acknowledge. So as far as your part in the relationship is concerned, you are acknowledging that this isn’t working and this needs to change. But the only thing you have the power to change is your reaction and your responses to being treated poorly. You have absolutely no control over how he responds or reacts to your needs and what you deserve.

In other words, only he can change what HE acknowledges. If he does not acknowledge that he’s not treating you well, then there is very little that I can do right now. For him. But what I can do for you, is offer some relationship advice that will help you to go after what you need and what you deserve, and help you to pursue, actively, what you need and what you deserve.  So that’s the approach that we’re going to take care of today. And this is the approach that any woman that is dating a narcissist can and should take.

This is a situation where you are sharing finances and children and a home together, so it is even more important for you to express to him that something needs to change here. I’m glad that you have a therapist that can help you out with some relationship advice as well, and there you will also learn the need for being the one in control of this situation in your life.  I think one thing that we can all agree on by reading your letter is that he is not treating you well.

Set Boundaries – There’s No Excuse For Being Mean

You mentioned a lot of reasons for him not treating you well, he has a bad life, a drug addicted mother, family members that destroyed his home, and all sorts of things like that. You also mentioned that he needs to be taught how to be respectful. I agree with this. He needs to make some changes here. What I don’t agree with, is that having a bad life is an excuse for treating someone poorly. It’s not.

So it’s time for you to have a talk with him, and lay out your needs and what you deserve as kindly as possible. I would recommend that you also into the No Contact zone. But in your situation, because you live with him, you can’t go cold turkey not talking to him. But you can go cold turkey without intimacy.   So my recommendation to you would be to enter a physical No Contact zone until you all have sort of figured out what each of you needs to do in this relationship to make it work.

I don’t like that he mocks you when you express your feelings and what you need in this relationship. That is a very big red flag, and you are spot on that he might be a narcissist or misogynist, like your other boyfriends.  And the biggest problem with narcissists is that they will never change because it’s impossible for them to acknowledge that they’ve done wrong to somebody else. It has happened, but it’s rare. So the next time you have a talk with him and have expressed to him what you need and what you deserve, you need to immediately launch the No Contact zone.

Tell him you need to take a break from physical intimacy while you sort your thoughts and feelings out, and while he supports his thoughts and feelings out. Basically, start from scratch in your relationship as if it’s your first date, even though you are living together and share children. Tell him that you want to explore things in a relationship that have nothing to do with intimacy, and that in order for you to stay in this relationship, you need him to respect those boundaries.  Let him know that when you feel comfortable with him again, and feel that he is respecting your needs and boundaries, you will be willing to go back to the physical side of your relationship. And I would give that a good 30 days like any other No Contact zone.

If he loves you and really wants to make it work, he will acknowledge what he needs to change, and make those changes. He will do that because he loves you and wants you to be happy. But if he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. I would recommend for your own personal safety that you had this conversation with him in a public place, like when you’re out for lunch or having a coffee or something. I don’t recommend having the conversation privately, by text or email, or in a place where it’s just the two of you alone as he will be given many opportunities to be little and do you mean your desires and your wishes. I’m not saying that he’ll do that, but you can take away that option for him by doing this in a public place. After that, take one step at a time just putting 1 foot in front of the other slowly but surely every day until you feel peace.

The most important relationship advice that I could ever give to anybody, is that sometimes you don’t want to get your boyfriend back. And that’s because sometimes they treat you badly. But there is hope in this relationship because you have an extended history with him. But at the same time, you don’t want to lose more years of your life by being treated poorly.

So the best relationship advice I could give you right now, Tammy, is to love your Self first.  Acknowledge what you can change, and make sure that your needs and desires are clearly defined and your boundaries are said. And if he doesn’t make them? Well then he doesn’t meet them and he doesn’t deserve to be with you.

Have a look at some of our articles that will help you determine whether or not you’re in an abusive situation, or things you can do to put yourself first. Because it’s time that you started! Dear readers, do you have any relationship vice for our friend? Have you ever been in a relationship with a narcissist?

Relationship Advice: How to Make Him Miss You After 9 Years

Relationship Advice To Make Him Miss YouWhen it comes to relationship questions seeking dating advice for women, one of the most common questions that we get relates to women that feel like they are putting in all of the effort. We also get a lot of questions on how to heal after cheating, or how to make him miss you after a really long time in the relationship. We have a relationship question today from one reader who is dealing with all three of these issues. She’s dealing with an on-again off-again relationship that has been ongoing for nine years, has experience cheating, and is a situation now where she is doing all the work and wondering if all hope is lost. Here’s a look at her question.

Michelle,

My ex and I have been in an on again off again relationship for 9 years now. He loves to play the victim role even when he is at fault. In our most recent breakup, he cheated on me and I found out although I told him I forgave, those were just words. Each chase I got I would remind him of the mistakes he’s made. It’s like throughout the years our gets stronger and the connection we have is undeniable. We went for a period of 3 months were he was simply ignoring me. When I finally gave it another true, he went straight for we should just be friends, nothing is going to help our situation even with forgiveness. I can honestly say that I’ve healed from the past hurts, but regret is weighing in on me, do I walk away or fight? Why am I always the begging to keep us together? He said we aren’t made for success and our relationship has run its course. He has also sad if we didn’t go through everything we went through maybe we’d have a chance, but he’s lost hope after our last argument and he isn’t ready to be with anyone no time soon. He has also said our relationship isn’t stable, so why be in it. Throughout the break up I’ve made contact and yes I’ve begged for him to reconsider and so has his family, but nothing has come out of it. Is all hope lost? Niecy

You have got a lot going on with this relationship, Niecy, and I can honestly say that if there are feelings happening in both parties in this relationship, all hope is not lost. Now, I do not know what the status is of this gentleman’s relationship right now, but I do know that if you have nine years together, there is definitely hope for this relationship.

So that’s the good news. While I don’t have any bad news per se, I do have a question that I want you to seriously reflect on. Why do you want to stay in this relationship?

This is one of those situations where it would be very easy for me to apply the No Contact Rules to you, and just advise you to wait it out. But if you want real relationship advice that will not only make him miss you, but also strengthen this relationship, I have a few pointers there as well today.

No Contact, Cold Turkey

First, you have to definitely go into the No Contact zone, cold turkey. I think it’s a good idea here to send him one last little text or email, and just let him know that you’re grateful for him, you’re grateful for the times that you’ve had, and that you’re going to respect his boundaries and his wishes and just take a little break. Because you have had trouble staying in the No Contact Zone before, he’s probably expecting to hear from you. But when he does hear from you, if he hears what I just outlined above, you will take him back a little bit. And that’s a good thing!

He’s going to be expecting you to contact him and continue your previous history of begging him to stay with you. When you don’t do that, you’re going to get his wheel spinning on this one.

Second, be sure that you never ever again remind him of mistakes that he has made in the past. He knows he cheated, you know he cheated, and your relationship is what it is today because of all of that. But no man is rushing into the arms of a woman that is always reminding them of their mistakes. No man. So let this one go. If you have genuinely healed from this mistake of his, then you won’t need to bring it up. So before you contact him at all ever again, be certain with your own Self that you are healed from this mistake of his. And if you aren’t, you’re going to need some time before you even think of giving this relationship hope again. And there’s nothing wrong with that! If you need time, take it.

Lastly, when you send him that little goodbye text or email that you will send before you enter the No Contact zone, remember to be nothing but positive. This is sort of a combination of the first two steps from above. But the little addendum that I want to add to this step is that you want to not only stay positive, but also set boundaries.

Set Boundaries

So there are ways that you can focus on what you need when you’re speaking with him, without sounding derogatory or negative. This is going to be another thing that will take him back when he reads this message of yours. The key to this is staying positive, being clear about your boundaries, and making it about you and not him. When you do this, you give him valuable information. And one man in the state of limbo receive information like this, it does trigger a switch to change if they really want to give this relationship hope. So you’re going to send him a text or email that sounds something like this:

“Hey, Frank, no I’m not writing to annoy you *wink.* I have just been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on things related to our relationship. I feel like after nine years, it’s the least I can do for you, and the wonderful years and times that we had together. I am not ready to just give it all up just yet, but I do think that those nine years and our experiences deserve some time and thoughts. I realize now that we are on different pages when it comes to what we each need, and what we each have to offer this relationship. As such, I think I just need a little bit of a break to clear my head and think on this a little bit more. I want to thank you for everything that you’ve done for me over the years, and for giving me nine years of some very wonderful memories. You have absolutely been a value to my life. I know we all make mistakes, I have too, and I am ready to move forward in my life without focusing on the past. But I need some time to think about this before anything else happens. I need and deserve someone that is there for me 100% of the time, and supports me and his faithful to me during the entire time in our relationship. I’m just not sure that we’re on the same page right now. So I’m going to take a little bit of a break to think about it, and I promise I won’t bother you again for a little while. If you’d like to touch base and hash this out over coffee or something, I would be open to that after I have done some thinking. Until then, know that you remain in my thoughts and I wish you nothing but the best and ultimate happiness that life has to offer you. Best!”

And there you have it. So, stay positive, don’t bring up his mistakes in a negative way, make it about what you need and what your boundaries are. When you do, you will dangle that carrot in front of him that you’re still available if he’s able to meet those needs. And if he’s not, then it’s his loss. That’s a real way to make him miss you.

Yes, the No Contact zone will be very difficult for you, especially since you’ve had a problem with that in the past. Don’t worry girlfriend, we’ve all been there! So take a minute to read some of our articles on what to do after the No Contact Rule is engaged and how to stay true to it, and what to do after the No Contact zone to maintain that peaceful and harmonious vibe.

Until then, keep checking back here as we are always posting relationship advice questions, and you might see more answers that will apply to your specific situation. Dear readers, what would you do in the situation?

Relationship Advice – How to Know If There’s Hope to Get Your Boyfriend Back

When you have been with someone for many years, something happens to you as individuals and as a couple.  Being with someone for years creates a bond, and in addition to relationship chemistry there is actual brain chemistry that supports this. When a couple is intimate, and I’m not just talking about physical things, but when they spend years getting closer to each other, the brain releases a hormone known as “Oxytocin.”  This is a hormone that is responsible for humans pair-bonding, in a loving, and intimate way that has nothing to do with physical matters.

So when these relationships break up, the question of “hope” is all the more confusing.  Is there hope for these kinds of relationships? In these kinds of relationships, there is ALWAYS hope. So if you are trying to get your boyfriend of many years back, there is always hope. Today we are going to talk about what to do with that hope. We have a reader who is wondering if, after 2 years, there is hope. Here’s Yadira’s story.

My ex boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago.  We were dating for 2 years and 4 months, before he broke up with me we would argue a lot.  It was mostly me. I was arguing because he wouldn’t care anymore not like he use to. idk why I argued most of the time but we always argued the weekend before he broke up with me we get in a huge fight and I thought we were fine. He seemed a little distance but he always told me that he will always find his way back. But on a Wednesday night he broke up with me out of nowhere I was so confused and lost. He promised me he was going to marry me he said I was the one that he loved me so much. I saw how much he loved me but he said he couldn’t do it anymore that he didn’t love me anymore. I begged I cried for about two months. I tried everything to win him back he kept telling me the same thing that he didn’t want me that he didn’t want a relationship. We would still kiss and he would sometimes act like he was my boyfriend cuddling with me and saying sweet things but the next day he would blow me off he confused me so much. I recently said goodbye to him I apologized for anything I did for everything j did to make him not want me. I’m so hopeless I’m letting go but I still have hope. I just don’t know what to do should I move on should I have hope ? Yadira

 Thank you for your letter, Yadira.  I think you know the answer to this, but let’s break this down. First, congratulations on handling everything maturely thus far. You have owned your part of the breakup, and for that reason you are to be congratulated. Some people go their whole lives and never figure out what went wrong, and blame the other person entirely. You have passed that stage of maturity. And in this world, that means you are one step closer in getting your boyfriend back.

So far you have done everything right. You don’t even need relationship advice. What you need is support and encouragement. And we have OODLES of that here.

So the first thing you need to do from here is find out what zone you are in with him. I can’t tell by reading your letter. He’s kissing you. So you aren’t in the Friend Zone. That right there is clue number one that you have OODLES of hope in this relationship.

But you don’t deserve to be Leftovers Girl. What I mean by that is, Leftovers Girl is the girl he keeps as “leftovers” when he can’t get a fresh, hot piece of the pie on another night. He comes to you. This is not fair. You are not a Yo-Yo.

You know this. You’ve done all the right things by telling him goodbye.  You’ve officially launched the No Contact Zone.

What you need to do now is stay on that course.  Do not call him, text him, email him, respond to him on Facebook, like one of his posts, anything.  Put all of those on Mute or Do Not Disturb for the next 30 days. For the next 30 days, you do you.

If he wanted to marry you once, there is something there. But he’s kind of taking advantage the fact that you have been together for so long, and you’ve given him so many chances.  So stop giving him chances, for now. For the next 30 days. I recommend you have a look at a reader that went through this over the holidays:  Relationship Advice When You Feel Hope is Lost. I think it could help you. You may also want to look at our article on what to do after the No Contact Period.

In the meantime, stay in the No Contact Zone. Live your life and be fabulous.  What happens after that is up to you. If you want to send him a casual, and breezy text or email, do so. Keep it short. Keep it simple. Send him an interesting article or video and ask him what he thinks. You’ve opened the door. See if he walks through it. You absolutely have hope. And I do too! I hope you let us know how this one turns out! Readers, what would you do in this situation?

Relationship Advice: How to Get Your Boyfriend Back After Being Blocked on Social Media

One of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships is comparing ourselves to others. This is natural, and called being human, so don’t beat yourself up about it if you are saying, “Uh oh, that’s me” to that. That’s all of us. How many times have you left a wedding or a 50th anniversary feeling completely dejected? Been there! That’s all of us. But doing this is so counter-intuitive to actually having a successful relationship. We are in a different era than many people whose relationships have stood that test of time. Those heroes at the fiftieth anniversary never had to deal with being blocked by someone on social media, nor will they. So comparing yourselves to them is counter-intuitive. It makes you feel worse, and also, it doesn’t actually help you to have a better relationship. So, try and kick yourself in the foot the next time your mind wanders at the next big celebration of love you have to attend.

Today we are going to look at a relationship, and see if we can learn how to get your boyfriend back after being blocked on Facebook. I know what many of you are thinking, “Why bother?” That’s a great question, and one I would ask myself. But this reader has an interesting situation. Yes, her boyfriend blocked her on Facebook. But, wait for it, he wants to find out how to see HER Facebook after he blocked her. Yep, he’s one of those special ones, ladies. We have a reader with this problem, so let’s have a look.

So I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. And one time I was being distant because idk I just usually thought why contact him when he can contact me he told me why was I being distant then I send him a message saying because you always rather be with your friends and he never responded to my message. but honestly it makes me question our relationship because it’s been already two months that he has me blocked in social media (fb) yet we see each other at certain times. He works out of town and I will call him but he won’t answer yet when he’s back he messages me saying I’m back home. And then I asked him why did you even block me on FB and he just responded because you’re nosy AF and I was like oh okay cool yet he said let me see your Facebook profile when I was with him? So I responded hell no, you can unblock me if u want to see me and he didn’t say anything.

What you are dealing with here, dear Reader, is “Mixed Signals Guy.” I’ve already talked him. But every Mixed Signals Guy is different. This guy is clearly all about him, and not about you. This is not a healthy relationship, and it is clearly not a balanced relationship. You know this, and this is why you wrote me. Believe me when I say we get questions about social media ALL the time. So know you are not alone. Women that have been with the same guy for 50 years do not have this problem. So don’t compare yourselves to them. Here’s what to do in this situation, and it’s much easier than you think.

What to do with Mixed Signals Guy

Put him in the No Contact Zone. This guy is seriously playing with your heart. He doesn’t know what he wants! I don’t know if he doesn’t know if he’s playing with your heart, or if he doesn’t care. But I also don’t know which of those things is worse, either. You want a guy that can’t wait to show you off on social media. You don’t want a guy that blocks you, and then creeps you!

You already have evidence that he responds well to the No Contact Zone. He gets antsy when he can’t see your Facebook profile. Well, if he hadn’t blocked you he wouldn’t have that problem, right? Right. Choices have consequences and bad choices have bad consequences. Period. He chose to miss seeing your Facebook page the second he blocked you. Clearly you already know this. And let me congratulate you on doing all of the right things so far.

But he is trying to spin this as your fault. “I blocked you because you were annoying me.” That’s called gaslighting, sweetheart. He’s trying to make YOU think that it’s YOUR fault that HE CHOSE to block you, THEN creep your own profile. It’s not your fault. It’s his! Bad choices have bad consequences, for him.

I do not know this guy from Adam, but I have a very strong suspicion that he blocked you from his Facebook because there’s something there he doesn’t want you to see. He thinks he can do whatever he wants, because technically you aren’t “committed.” He wants to come and go as he pleases, call and not call as he pleases, and expects you to be ready there with your Facebook profile the second he chooses.

Nuh uh! No self-respecting woman would ever allow this. UNLESS, that woman is looking for exactly the same thing. If you want a guy that comes and goes as you do, then by all means, put up with this. Women that are confident and clear in these intentions are very progressive women. But that’s not what you want. It doesn’t mean you aren’t progressive though. When you stand in your truth and confidence, you send him the message that you don’t need these games.

There’s nothing wrong with looking for a commitment and not settling for less. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting a commitment and just doing the casual thing. But there IS something wrong if you want one thing, and Mr. Blocker is not giving it, and is still expecting you to stick around.

Follow Your Instincts

Follow those instincts on giving the distance to this guy. You have done everything right. You already have evidence that this works on this particular prize. So take it to the next level, and do it for 30 days straight, hard core, cold turkey, just be done with him in a snap for the next 30 days. I really have a feeling he is going to go bonkers. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and he hasn’t quite accepted the fact that you are not offering this system. That’s on him. Completely on him. Those are his consequences to deal with.

But when it comes to you? Your choices have consequences too. Are you going to choose to continue accepting this behavior? I have a feeling that you aren’t. You are a progressive woman that wants some relationship advice to figure out how to deal with this man child friend of yours. Here’s a text you can send him right now.

“Hey, Boo, just wanted to say thanks for everything. I think I’m just going to leave my Facebook the way it is for now. I’ve got a lot on my plate and a lot of great things going on right now. You were right, the distraction is just too much stress. It’s been great though, just too bad that we didn’t want the same things. I think you’re great but maybe next time? If you ever find yourself on my page, give me a shout. Thanks for everything! Best!”

Boom. That will get his wheels spinning. I wouldn’t be surprised if he texted back within seconds. He’ll want to know what fun you are having. If you see him in public, smile and be courteous, polite, like you would to a passing neighbor or stranger. Don’t give him too much information. Just give him something to think about for 30 days and let us know how it goes. Readers, what do you think? How have you responded to Mixed Signals Guy?

 

Dating Advice For The Soul Mate That Has Had Enough

Ever been in one of those relationships where it just felt like you were bouncing back and forth with each other, and your feelings? Of course you have. One of the reasons so many couples have a yo-yo relationship, for years, is the soul mate factor. I am no expert on soul mates but one thing I do know about love and relationships is that if you are having the same yo-yo effect in your relationship for years, there’s a high love potential there. This could even be soulmate level. Most relationships do not go on and on like this for years, unless there is SOMEthing keeping that string going on the yo-yo. We get questions from readers about this yo-yo experience all the time. The biggest relationship advice question they have is, “We broke up and what do I do now??”

Today we are going to look at just such a scenario. We have a couple who by all counts, over the course of three years, have told each other they are each other’s soul mate. They’ve broken up multiple times, and each time they find themselves kissing each other eventually. Our reader, Amy, has noted her problems in the relationships, and has owned her part.

That’s a standing ovation from me for that! Some people go their entire lives never figuring this out, that they need to own their part. So Amy has been doing her work on her since the last breakup. Now she wants to know what to do. Let’s have a look at this story.

Its been almost 2 weeks since my ex bf split with me. We were a bit hungover on a Sunday afternoon and I started to nag and annoy him which made him flip out dramatically and him scream “I can’t do this anymore” and leave the house. I fb messaged him the next day to say he was a coward to leave me like that no real explanation and he just confirmed again saying, I just can’t do it with you anymore. I told him he was nothing to me and since then I haven’t spoken to him since.  I’m trying to give him space and using the no contact rule. But I feel like I haven’t a clue what is happening, especially in his head.  A bit about us – We have been together for almost 3 years now, we are best friends we do everything together, and that’s because we both want to…He loves the bones off me, he’s the sweetest guy does anything and everything for me emotionally and physically. He is my soul mate the only person who gets me and I get him and he says this to me 24/7. However, the last half year or so I’ve been insecure about my weight, that I have gained, I’ve had no job, he has been paying for everything helping me. I suppose I’ve got a bit lazy with myself and everything and then of course the nagging.

Last 6 months or so he has broken up with me a few times over WhatsApp/text saying we need to go our separate ways he cant do it blablabla, finding an excuse, leaving me in tears and upset. Straight away I have told him not to and said sorry things will change blablabla. Of course, he comes over and sees me and him being the beautiful soul he is hugs me and stays and we carry on the relationship just like that. But nothing changes, I don’t change. But now I am. I am working on myself, eating healthily, exercising, I’ve lost several pounds already. I’m not drinking. I really can see now what I have done wrong and how I let the fun get sucked out of the relationship because when we are happy my god, we are happy!

What do I do? I want to fix this so bad! Apart from my nagging and moaning, everything was perfect! I am on my tenth day of contact but I think I need to apologise and let him know how I feel. He could just be thinking I am angry and don’t wanna speak to him? What do I do?

 Let’s address the first question: What is he thinking?

 The answer to that is, if he’s not telling you, it’s none of your business. The other answer to that is, you don’t need to know what he is thinking to fix this.  How your relationship functions is not a function of ONLY what he is thinking. You’ve taken some steps already, Amy, that show that you know this. You know you own your part in the split. I can’t congratulate you enough for that.

Never change your weight for a guy, period. But if you know that some nagging issues have led to this demise or breakup, then you know how to fix at least your role in this breakup. If you want to get your boyfriend back, the next step is the No Contact Rule.  You say, “I am trying to follow the No Contact Rule but it’s hard because I don’t know what’s in his head.”

Again, you don’t need to for the No Contact Rule to be successful. You will learn what he is thinking by activating the No Contact Zone immediately. But you have to stay true to it. You can’t just say you aren’t going to contact him, and then give up on your Self because he texted you. The No Contact Period is for YOU to clear your head and get your stuff together. You’ve already started this. But you can’t clear your head when you are answering his messages.

He’s already told you that you are his soul mate.  Those are some serious words! You have the advantage of having true love and experience on your side.  So you can’t make him miss you by being in his face all the time. And that’s what you really want at this stage of the game.

Let’s look at your second question: What do I do now??

 You’ve answered your own question. You know you need the No Contact Period, but you just have to get committed to it.  I talk a lot about How to Stay True to the No Contact Rule. Refresh your memory on that, and make the choice to be committed to it. You want to get your boyfriend back, right? So be as committed to the process, no matter how hard it is, as you are to him.  It is for the benefit of your relationship if he sees what it’s like to go 30 days without hearing back from you.

My guess is that it’s going to be very difficult for him to do this. And through that, you will make him miss you.

Once that 30 days is up, touch base with him about something super minor and breezy. Or just say hi. Make sure you let him know that you’ve been doing a lot of work on you in your quiet time. He will really admire you for that! After he responds, I am confident you can take it from there. Let us know how this goes, we are all rooting for you! Readers, what do you think Amy should do? Have you had a similar soul mate experience?

 

 

Dating Advice: What To Do AFTER the No Contact Period Makes Him Miss You

One of the hardest things about relationships is missing someone.  And, as you know, one of the most common pieces of dating advice or relationship advice that I have is, activate a No Contact Rule.  Why? Because it works. If there is only one tool that can make him miss you, it’s making him miss you. And the only way you can do that is through No Contact. That means zero. Zilch. None. Period. No matter how much he texts you or Facebook messages you or calls and leaves the pleading voicemails.

If he’s doing that, you have proof that you are winning in the “make him miss you” stage.  If he’s not contacting you, but you do have a history, he’s still thinking about you. That’s why the No Contact component of the Make Him Miss You mission is SO successful.  When you aren’t easy to get to, he wonders.  It’s human nature!

But that 30 day period of No Contact is really hard. I get it. While you are making him miss you, you are missing him. Dreadfully.  But what next? We have a reader who is doing very well with the No Contact rule, and just needs to know what to do when that is complete. We get this question all the time. So today I want you to see what happens when the No Contact Rule actually works. We have one reader who is about halfway through the process of the No Contact and the “Make Him Miss You” stage. The only relationship advice she needs at this point is, what next. So let’s have a look and see if we can help her out.

 I was dating a guy for a couple months. But the couple months were fast and intense. We went away for a weekend together by our fourth date. We had so much fun together, even the bartenders would come over and say they just enjoyed watching us together and listening to our conversations. It seemed like we had a real connection.  but things were early, we were both open about the fact that we were not exclusive (we were both dating another person). But it seemed like we were spending more time together and he told me he had a better connection with me. He took me to concerts, out on the town, and offered to take me to a patriots game. 3 days before the game, he texted me and told me he was so sorry but his dad was coming into town unexpectedly (from GA to MA) and he was going to have to take him instead. I was pissed but didn’t lash out. Just told him no, he couldn’t make it up to me. Good luck and have a nice life basically. I was pissed because as a nurse that works every other weekend, had to make a bunch of switches to go to the game and he knew that. I also assumed he would try to win me back instead of accepting the boot.

Then on Facebook (relationship killer, i know)  I saw that his dad tagged both the guy and another girl in thanking them for a great weekend. When I asked who the girl was, he explained it was the other girl he was seeing and no, he did not take her to the game in my place, he had taken her to the Red Sox and she met his dad with him for a few drinks. I unleashed. Totally went nuts and it went back and forth between, he didn’t want to see me, yes he did, I didn’t want to see him, yes I did. The convo ended with him buying tickets to a concert for us. Being embarrassed about how crazy I went, I ended up cancelling on the concert. I assume he took the other girl instead.

2 days of no contact, i sent him an apology text about how crazy I went and how sorry I am, and that I was just so stressed from court (with my ex) and I would hope he’d be up for getting a beer with me later in the week. I also said, I hope to hear back from you, but if not, good luck with everything and that I genuinely meant that. I didn’t hear back from him. That was now 6 days ago.

I deleted him from my Facebook and unfollowed him on Instagram because I didn’t want anything else popping up on my newsfeed. He still follows me on Instagram and snapchat so I’ve tried to keep my posts to a minimum.   I will continue the no contact rule, because 1- it’s the only way I’m going to make him miss me and 2- he may not want to hear from me anyway. but I feel like I need someone to tell me exactly how it is. Do I text him in a month to say hi? Or do I just leave it and lose one of the greatest connections I felt I’ve ever had?  Sincerely, Kristine

 Let’s all stop and give Kristine a big round of applause for making it this far in the No Contact Period. We know he still has feelings or he wouldn’t still be following you on social media. So there’s something here to work with. The next few weeks are the hardest, because you want to text him or call so badly, but are still in that zone.

What you’ve done right so far….

Don’t succumb to folding the No Contact Zone.  Kristine is being smart here about what she is posting on social media, so she doesn’t send any wrong or mixed messages to someone that she cares about very deeply.  She has owned her part in the relationship, and the relationship demise. She has apologized, and tried to move past it.

When it comes to fixing past mistakes, that’s all you can do. What he does with it from this point forward is on him, not you. So you’ve done everything, and by that I mean everything, right so far. You’ve been very clear in your intentions, as has he, and you two clearly know how to communicate to each other. It’s okay to get upset with him sometimes. That’s called being human. But you’ve both demonstrated your ability to be clear and real with each other. That’s a huge relationship accomplishment in itself! Thank you for serving as a good example to all women seeking dating or relationship advice in similar situations.

So that’s what you’ve done right. I am not going to take a leap and say you have done anything wrong, either. You have done everything right. So let’s have a look at your next question.

What do I do after the No Contact Zone?

The one thing to do after the No Contact period is up is to touch base. Once you are past the 30 day mark, you are out of the zone. You can feel free to contact him. Follow your heart here. I can give you a sample text to use, but I think you’ve got this one covered. Invite him for a drink if you are feeling bold and that is what your heart is telling you to do. Or just send a text that just says, “Hey, remember me? Been thinking about you and wondering how you’ve been.”

If you are feeling even more bold than that, bring up the commitment issue. What have you got to lose? Well, if he doesn’t want the same thing, you might lose him. For now. But after a month of you making him miss you, things may be different for him now. And if he doesn’t want the same thing, now you know you don’t need to waste more time on him. Thank him for the learning experience of an awesome connection, and move on to find the guy that will give you an even better one, a committed one.

But I have a hunch that this guy may surprise you. Check out our instructions on How to Get Your Ex Back AFTER the No Contact Period. See? Your question is more common and relatable than you think. Let us know what you decide to do, and how it goes for you! Readers, do you have anything to add to this relationship advice?

 

How to Get Your Ex Back….When You Feel That Hope is Lost.

I know how difficult the holidays can be when you are missing someone like crazy. Been there. I also know that it is next to impossible to miss someone to the point of heartache during the holidays and be the only person feeling that. Always remember ladies that if you are missing someone like crazy, the chances are all better than not that they are feeling the same way, ESPECIALLY during the holidays. It’s just the way the laws of attraction and love work. The holidays are that one time of year when you remember traditions, people, and everything that is really important to you in life. So it can be a tough time, but you are not alone. This I know.

I get a lot of letters from women that feel this missing period is never going to end. They write in feeling like hope is lost, and asking for anything that can help them stop feeling this way, and feel better. I wouldn’t be here trying to help you with relationship advice and make him miss you if I thought hope was lost for any of you. I firmly believe that love is never lost, it is only ever replaced, but it can always find its way back again.

But I also know how normal it is to feel in that place where it truly does feel like there is no hope, that place where you almost consider moving on. It really stinks! But the truth is, moving on, in your own unique way, is what is absolutely necessary for that love to find its way back to you again. That’s why the No Contact Zone is so important.

The universe has given you a wake up call, angels closing doors as my grandmother would say. Something’s not working and it’s time for a time out. So take it!

It’s the best thing you can do for yourself. And your relationship. You deserve healing time and focusing on the wound is not going to help your case. At all. Ever. No man ever wants to keep hearing about how sorry you are and how you just want to explain to him one last time.

Even if you are the daughter of Mother Theresa and look like Jennifer Aniston, no man is ever going to take you back under those circumstances because the only purpose that serves is constant reminder of the pain. That he caused. He doesn’t want that reminder, he wants to remember you as a sweet girlfriend where things just didn’t work out and it was nobody’s fault.

Trust me, it sucks for him too. But you may be too busy sitting in your own pain and grief to have the fortitude to take the role of the other and just see his side for just a second. It’s hard, I know, I’ve been there. He may be a “man”, but despite the fact that he shows his feelings differently than you do, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them. You just don’t see them the same way you see yours, or your girlfriends. So that’s when you have to watch his reactions to you, especially those after the breakup, and mirror them. That is what you need to do to begin getting back into that sync with him.

When you are trying to get your boyfriend back, the first thing you want to do is whatever you can to fix the situation. But a nasty moment or conversation is probably the reason he broke up with you, so why would you remind him of that as much as you possibly can? What will the end result be?

Driving him away.

But when you make the choice to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find YOU again, you pull away from him just enough to get him to start noticing you are gone. That he isn’t the center of your world anymore. And that you are an awesome amazing person doing all of these awesome amazing things, without him. That’s when he starts to remember what an awesome amazing girlfriend you were too, and those seeds of attraction begin to kernel again.

If there is a true love there and the two of you were meant to be together, the love is never lost. It will always find its way back again. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve seen the prescription roll out for itself, and it’s even happened to me as well. Hope is never lost.

We have a reader who needs some encouragement in this area. Here’s what she has to say:

Hi Michelle,

This is going to be a long one, I hope you can bear with me as I’m in dire need of some good advice from someone who knows a thing or two about relationships, so far, the advice from my friends and relatives isn’t giving me a clear head to look towards the future.

I was with my boyfriend for two years, he was amazing to me in every way, we planned a future together and really loved each other, but there were some problems that kept us from going that extra step, from realizing out full potential as a couple. A little background, we are both 27 years old, we’ve known each other since we were in junior high, we dated when we were 12(junior high sweet hearts), we dated briefly when we were 18 again, and then reconnected when we were both 25 and had a better go at it that time around.

When we initially started dating I had recently gotten out of a 5 year relationship that left me with a lot of bitterness and sadness, I was just starting to pick myself up again when HE, the man I always wondered about came back in my life. It was amazing really, like all starts of a relationship I was filled with hope for the future and he seemed to be very serious about reconnecting and having a relationship with me, my only concern with him was his previous behaviour, having known him since we were 12 years old and dating him a couple times when we were younger, I know a lot about him to say he is unlike any guy I’ve met in a sense that he has a very unique way of handling relationships.

I knew that relationships are hard work, sometimes people fight, sometimes it’s harder to keep it together but when two people know what they want and love each other it can work. But this guy, this guy is different, he’s always gone through phases in his life when if he’s unhappy with his personal life he will neglect his relationship, or if things start to get too hard in a relationship or things aren’t going the way he hoped he will check out and emotionally shut down, i’ve experienced this first hand with him before, but I thought since time passed by and we were older and wiser, that it would be worth a shot with him. Having my own issues about my past relationship also did not make it any better, needless to say I took a chance and decided to try it out. It was great, everything I hoped for and more, but after things started going towards the end of the honey moon phase like all relationships and the arguments started, my own unresolved issues from past relationships came up, his own issues came up, and as soon as we knew it we were fighting over petty things. I broke up with him a couple of times, and he did the same, not really meaning it, but just to prove a point, so we would get back together after a couple of days and things would be good again, until something else came up. This was our cycle, and no matter what, we always fell into the same circle of arguments.

It reached a breaking point when he called me and told me it was over, at first I didn’t believe it, but when it finally sunk it all of the damage I had done to our relationship hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I had sabotaged the relationship by letting my unresolved issues from my past relationship keep me in a bitter state. I realized I wasn’t the same person he had fallen in love with. I regret my behaviour, and this time I have been given a new perspective into what it really means to make a relationship work.

When he broke up with me he told me several things that didn’t give me much hope.
1. Things have changed for him
2. He has been unhappy for a while and doesn’t want to force anything
3. Things don’t flow with us, our personalities don’t mix
4. He would like to be friends but he needs time
5. I didn’t make him feel good about himself
6. He thinks two years is enough time to try
7. He’s not in love with me anymore
8. I’m a great girl, but it’s not working

I asked him if he knew it could work between us if he would be with me,and he said of course he would, this is why I don’t understand why he would say he isn’t in love anymore.

After the break up I blamed everything on myself, I texted him pages and pages of apologies and of things I wouldve done differently. I did this for about two days. I left him alone for another two days then texted him again, but this time as if things were normal, friendly, and just asked him about his day, he replied we exchanged a couple of texts then I left him alone for another couple of days. I began to panic and then resumed to texting him my apologies and my regret for another two days after that. I sent another text a couple of days later telling him that I was going to leave him alone and respect his decision because he had told me that when I text him it makes things harder on him as well. After a few days I couldn’t stop thinking of why he hadn’t given me the benefit of seeing him in person so I texted him just to ask him if he would be willing to meet up with me to discuss some things, he replied saying “we’ll see, but please respect my decision.” After that we texted again, in a friendly manner after i initiated the conversation just asking about trivial things…he replied to my messages about every 40 minutes and we exchanged a few texts. After this I have cut down on the times I’ve texted but still messaged him about once a week to see if he’s free to meet up, every time he will only reply with what he’s doing that week and that he’s busy. He hasn’t told me to move on, he hasn’t flat out told me leave him alone…I decided I will try no contact for good this time for at least a month. I’m getting frustrated thta he hasn’t even been able to give me a face to face to tell him so much of what I wanted to tell him. It’s been 6 weeks since the break up and I think after 2 years it’s the least I deserve. I‘m contemplating writing him a letter because there is so much I need to explain to him about what went wrong and how I see thins now. It hurts so much not being able to tell him or see him….I’m stuck in limbo and hoping the NC will still work and I haven’t done too much damage.

Once again I’ve highlighted what I think are the most important sections of the letter, the ones that speak volumes about what should happen next. Dear Reader, put down the cell phone immediately. Put it in the freezer if you have to. Do not send one more text.

You are doing exactly what I just mentioned above is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. You are reminding him of the pain over and over again to get your own ease of guilt from this situation, and you aren’t making him miss you at all. In fact, he’s even out right told you that hearing from you is painful, and yet you keep doing it.

What does that do? It sends the message to him that what he needs isn’t as important as what you need. I know that sucks to hear, but we’ve all done it, so don’t feel like I’m singling you out. If this wasn’t a problem global to the female human race I wouldn’t even print the letter. I would go find a letter that was. We have ALL been the Operations Commander of the text wars, no question about it. But as you know, that is not getting him closer to you, so why would you even consider that? Or better yet, a letter that is carefully written that will be written proof to him for years to come of all of the mistakes that you made in the relationship?

Don’t do it. He gets it. He is not blameless here. If you are taking ownership of all of your stuff, then he is sitting there trying to find a way not to have to take ownership of his stuff too. And that place is not the one that is going to have him crawling back to you. You need to make him miss you to achieve that goal. But as I have said it time and time again, he can’t miss you if he keeps hearing from you.

But you, definitely are not in the hope is lost category. You gave me about 15 different reasons for that in your own letter. You haven’t been dating him for 2 years either by the way. By my calculations it looks closer to 15. Okay give or take some breaks and some coming back togethers, three times already, but this has been going on for 15 years. That is some solid history.

But, getting him back is not going to be helped by reminding him about pain. Reminding him about the good history you have will help, you just can’t do it right away. You NEED to take at LEAST a 30 day No Contact Period, my recommendation is 60 though. Or maybe squeeze it out 45. Can we do No Contact until Valentine’s Day? Then surprise him with something sweet and flirty on Valentine’s Day and take it from there?

I think if you can spend some time on you for a while, do the things you like to do when you are single, and the time will fly. It will be a fun thing to look forward to, and it will definitely make him start to wonder what you’ve been up to. Then he will hear from you after a while, see this sweet, sexy Valentiney thing in his email one day, and he will begin to remember the awesome. Trust me. This is precisely how I landed the sweet gem I am with right now. But it’s not even been close to 15 years for us, so you have a serious advantage here.

Also remember, the two of you together have created the history that you CAN get back together. You already have proven, at least twice by my count, that you keep coming back to each other. There’s a reason for that. And yes you should explore it. But, it’s been 15 years. 45 days of salon time and yoga classes and shopping for a new wardrobe to pick you up isn’t going to suck, is it?

You definitely should not feel like hope is lost. You can get your ex boyfriend back, if you make him miss you. Put down the phone, do not send a letter, do nothing until some serious time has passed. It won’t be easy. Keep writing in and we will help support you through this.

I’ve got a good feeling about this okay, so please do keep us posted! Readers! Did I miss anything? Drop your comments in the box below and let’s help our friend get through this tough time. Always remember dear Readers, no matter how sad things may seem right now, everything is only for a season. Hope your holiday season is beautiful, and bright! Until next year friends : )

How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back When You Are Dealing With Mixed Signals Guy

There are enough issues on the road to life, love, and happiness, that even when you are presented with the black and white of it, it can still be pretty confusing. But when you are given the grey matter in your daily matters, life can seem nothing short of chaotic. Unfortunately, when it comes to matters of the heart, very few things come to us in black and white. Wouldn’t it be absolutely wonderful if we were given black and white roadmap when dealing with our love affairs? If he says this, he means this. If he does this, he meant that. Of course it would, but we, as humans, don’t really work that way. Although this could be a big complaint in the world of romance, if we did work that way, life would be really, really boring. At the same time however, human behavior as grey as it can be sometimes, can be pretty predictable as well. That’s why many of the methods I discuss for those wanting to know relationship advice for mixed signals guy really work. Because of that predictable nature of human relationship.

Today I am going to address a reader’s concern on how to deal with things when things don’t seem so predictable. Many of you write in talking about the same guy. No, I’m not saying you are all dating the same man. But many of you are all dating the same type of guy. You know the guy. If you haven’t dated him yet, you may well before you find The One. His name? Mixed Signals Guy. Nothing aggravates me more than when I am dating a guy that says one thing, and does another, and that’s exactly the trademark of Mixed Signals Guy. We have a reader dealing with one, and let’s look at her problem and get to the brass tax of it. Here’s what she says:

I was dating my boyfriend for 6 months and we literally had the time of our lives together. We always made each other happy and he was very respectful and I loved it! Then I had surgery done and he disappeared after that and never spoke to me till 3 months later. When he spoke to me yea I was bitchy because he made a douchebag move but he let everything out. At this moment we are friends and it’s been 7 months since we last dated. We’ve tried to talk(date) again but it didn’t work out as how we wanted it to. He ended up becoming really busy with work and just said that he’s too busy for a girl right now. Alright, that’s fine. He also said he doesn’t want each other to try forcing to make this relationship work and in the future whatever happens,happens. And I completely agreed with him.

I see him twice a week at the same spot and he always talks to me like how he would when we were dating and he always touches me like my leg and biting me an stuff just to mess around. He walked me out to my car yesterday and we ended up hooking up (just making out) and I didn’t want to and I wanted to stop so badly and tell him this isn’t what we should be doing we both agreed not to do this. It was just very awkward. So I texted him later and was like what was that and he said Idk. And I was just texting him like you can’t keep doing this and he’s like I like you but I don’t want a relationship. Okkkkkkk so if u like me and don’t want a relationship why would you do that. He said he cares but sometimes his actions take over. Alright sooooooo what do I do. We still have light feelings for each other and I don’t want to let him go. Hes a great guy.

What do you think, ladies? This one at first glance is actually a bit of a no brainer. I know the reader in question doesn’t necessarily agree, because she’s in the middle of it. We’ve all been in that middle, trying to figure out why he’s saying one thing and doing another. But the truth is, he’s actually being a lot clearer than our dear reader wants to admit.

We’ve all been there.

But when it comes to relationship advice for women that are dealing with Mixed Signals Guy, my advice is always, agree with him, thank him, and move on your merry way. See, this is where that handy little tip of, you teach people how to treat you goes a very long way. Right now our reader is teaching him that it’s okay to keep walking all over her like this, when the truth is, it isn’t. How do we know this? Because she has accepted the yo-yoing back and forth and not given him the boundaries she needs to feel secure in this relationship.

I’m going to translate some of his mixed signals for you.

“I like you, but I don’t want a relationship.”

What he’s saying is, I like you, and I don’t really have anyone else that I like more in my life right now, so I want whatever I can get from you right now….without a commitment.

“I care, I definitely do, but sometimes my actions take over and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Dear reader, is he 4? Because 4 year olds don’t have the developed neocortexes that adults have, and they do act impulsively and honestly can’t help it. If you are dating a 4 year old, stop. If you aren’t, tell him to grow up. He is a grown man with a mind of his own and absolutely can stop what he is doing if he knows it is going to hurt you. Which he does know, or he wouldn’t be giving you these lame excuses.

You say, “We still have light feelings for each other and I don’t want to let him go.”

Here is my translation of your statement, dearest reader. “I really like him, and don’t really know where he stands with me, and I am afraid that if I don’t let him go and pursue other options that I won’t find any other options and I will have let go the one guy that at least liked me a little.”

Ring true for you? We’ve all said that, felt that, experienced that. But the truth of the matter is, when you translate your own fears, you see the cold hard truth. You are settling with this guy.

The truth is, you deserve a guy that is screaming from the mountains, I’m crazy about her! I can’t get enough of her!! I want to be with her and only her!

What you DON’T deserve, is being fully invested in something when the guy is responding with, “I love making out with her! I love hooking up with her! I am crazy about the fact that I finally met someone who is letting me have my cake and eat it too!”

You also mention that he’s a great guy. While I don’t know him personally, I am going to disagree with you on this one based on the information you have provided. Great guys do not leave their girlfriends hanging for three months after they had surgery. If he did that to you once, he will do that to you again. Do you really want to wait for that to happen when you are engaged or married?

Does this situation make more sense to you?

The next time he slips up and tries to lose control of his actions, nip him in the bud. If you truly want to get your boyfriend back and in a loving and much more committed way, you need to show him and explain to him that the only way to do that is to make you his own.

The next time this happens, and you are texting him telling him this is unfair, wait for his response. It will look exactly like the first one. “I am happy with no commitment, and if you want to keep making out with me, you have to be happy with that too.”

Your response needs to sound like, “Okay great, thanks for spelling things out for me. Been great hanging with you but truthfully, I’m looking for something more. I do think you’re great, a great kisser even, but I need more. I know you care about me and want me to be happy, so I am going to go look for my happy. Let me know if a relationship is ever something you’re into, and if I’m free, I will let you know. You know how it is, in the future, whatever happens, happens, right? Until then, best of luck.”

I guarantee you his eyes will pop open very wide as soon as he sees that message.

What do you think dear readers? Did I miss something? This is one of those situations where you need to remember that YOU, not HE, is in control of your relationship and romantic affairs. So take your power back, and teach him how to treat you. Good luck, and please do keep us posted!!

Relationship Advice When Your Man Has PTSD

Well, let’s hit another tough topic today shall we? As I’ve said, all of them are tough. But this particular issue is hitting America in volumes that are less than comfortable. Today’s topic? How to get him back when your man has PTSD. This topic is sort of a partner to a previous topic, how to get back together with someone that has a mental health diagnosis. I mentioned in that column just how common that is. When it comes to PTSD, it’s even more common.

How common is PTSD?

Before I started answering this question today, I took a little journey over to the National Institute of Mental Health to see just how common this problem is. It is a problem that as you read this right now, PTSD is affecting 7.7 million Americans.

That’s a LOT. The greatest comfort you can take from this is that, whoever you know that is struggling with this is not alone. But when you consider suicide to be one of the “side effects” of PTSD, it’s not a comforting number at all. This important fact about PTSD is why I’ve chosen to cover mental health again for all of you, because I know if it is affecting one reader, it is affecting many.

One of our readers is in love with a man who has PTSD. Before I get to her question, let me tell you something about this disorder, and about any mental health disorder really. When someone is struggling psychologically, they are very difficult to understand. They seem illogical at times, irrational at others, and just plain psychotic when they are at their very worst.

So easy to write these guys off and say, “Good luck with that!”

But for some, not so easy. When you are carrying their child or have a ring on your finger and made promises to them, there is nothing easy at all about it.

You can and you will spend hours and days and months crying about this, and wondering what you can do to help them get their heads straight. The cold hard truth is that YOU alone can not do anything. You can do SOME things, but you alone will not be able to heal them. Without you, their journey of healing may be tougher, there is no question about that. But what happened to them is NOT your fault, and is a problem that is bigger than you are able to handle.

The other thing you need to realize when you are going in and about your every day with them is that….they process things differently than you do. For example, they may freak out or melt down when they hear thunder booming, or fireworks across the street, or any little thing that is their own unique PTSD trigger. This kind of thing could destroy their day. What are they going to do? Take it out on you.

But he’s not going to say, “I am freaking out because that noise reminded me of a roadside bomb that killed my best friend.”

Instead, he’s going to freak out and have a meltdown, and when you walk into the room it will sound like, “Why aren’t the freaking dishes done already? Where the hell is my dinner? What the hell have you been doing all day?? For god’s sake woman can’t you do anything right? I go out to fight for this country and you have done absolutely NOTHING to show any respect! What were you doing all that time I was gone anyway?? Who were you with? I sacrificed so much and THIS is how you thank me??”

It doesn’t make sense to you right? You are left feeling hurt and responsible, and it doesn’t even occur to you that he’s not processing things properly and that this isn’t your fault. He’s not processing things in the same way that someone who didn’t have to make all of those sacrifices would be.

That’s because he’s not that other person, and he’s sick. And he needs help. Help that you alone can not provide.

Does that mean your relationship is doomed?

No. It just means that you need to be redirected towards the tools that will help repair it. Think of it this way. If you bought a car that you fell in love with, but it made a squeal every time you hit a speed bump, what would you do?

Would you give it away and get a new car because you couldn’t understand this problem?

Of course you wouldn’t. And you wouldn’t do that with the love of your life either. Instead, you would take him somewhere to get help, find out what is really causing the squeal, and hang in there with him until the squeal stops showing up, or shows up less and less and less.

Let’s go to our reader’s question today. Her biggest question is how to get him back, or even if she can get him back, after he’s been diagnosed with PTSD. I’m going to call her “Faith”.

Here’s what Faith wrote in, once again I’ve highlighted key points to take away.

My current ex and I were in and off for a year. He’s an army veteran and he has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He is also very skeptical of anything remotely good and pleasant in his life, but overall, he was a great, sweet boyfriend… The day I told him I told him I’m pregnant, he said that he wants a paternity test when the baby is born which was a slap in the face to me. I’ve always been what you would call “sexually shy” and I despise the idea of “flings” and he knew that practically since day one and yet he dumped me a couple of days later for “cheating” on him.

His “evidence” was a sincere letter I had written to a friend he and I shared that passed away. That friend happened to be a guy by the way. The whole break up was a total nightmare and I could never repeat the things he said to me. Long story, short, he blamed me for the relationship falling apart. He said that he’ll stick around to be the father, but I’m seven months along and he won’t bother to come visit at all. He got a new girlfriend a week or two after the breakup. I told him that I need to meet her if she’s going to be around the baby and he refuses.

I know him well enough that he doesn’t like the fact that I’m pregnant so he made up a different excuse to be mad about and he’s just with this girl till I deliver the baby and he gets his paternity test. He says that he doesn’t want to be involved with me, only the baby, but he has repeatedly tried to convince me to “get my rocks off” and the last time I did see him, he was all cuddly (that was about two months ago). I know he still gives a damn, but he thinks he can hide it. Recently, he did text me and ask me how I was doing and what I was up to, which was odd to me.. At the most, I talk to him once, maybe twice a week.Any tips to help get his head straight?

This is one of those questions that offers more hope than others, even if it doesn’t feel that way to you right now, Faith. You’ve said a lot of great things about this guy, even though you are clearly frustrated. “Overall, great sweet boyfriend.” You’ve mentioned that he still checks in on you, that he’s cuddly, and that he’s even passed on a few innuendos on occasion. As far as I’m concerned, all green lights for this relationship.

If you want my gut instinct hunch that I received when I was reading your letter, Faith, as soon as that paternity test comes back as his baby, you won’t need to write me letters any more because you will be happy and in your mommy bliss…with the man that you love. Of course, I hope you do come back and continue to help our readers with your experiences, but you won’t have a broken relationship anymore. I may be wrong, but about these kinds of things, I seldom am.

Why do I say this? Because there’s nothing bad about this guy. You said so yourself. He has some jealousy and insecurity issues obviously. Any man that would ask you to get a paternity test without probable cause is jealous and insecure. But you have to remember, he processes things differently.

It is very difficult for him to see anything good in his life right now, because he is an Army Veteran and has seen the worst of the worst in terms of the sanctity of human existence. Once someone is traumatized by something they have experienced or witnessed, it takes years for them to overcome that one image or that one experience and believe that there IS good in the world. He will realize that however, with the right help, and the right slow and steady journey from you, see the good in the world. And, since there’s a new baby on the way, miracles will become more believable to him sooner than you might think. You can’t ever stop remembering that the way he processes things right now has nothing to do with YOU, and everything to do with what happened to him AFTER he took that long flight to who knows where into the middle of war not that long ago. How can you remind yourself of this?

Put yourself in his shoes.

On top of the trauma and destruction and havoc that war wreaks on someone’s brain wires, think about this. If you went away for 18 months and had to leave him for that long, wouldn’t you have some of your own insecurities about how he passed his time as well? What if you ran across a letter that he wrote to some other woman while you were gone? You would question him, no matter how much you love him, wouldn’t you?

The answer is yes, because we ALL would. That’s normal. Outside of his PTSD, there is nothing abnormal or wrong with this guy. The girl he is with now? You said so yourself. He’s just with her to pass the time until he sees the black and white DNA results.

If he’s texting you, he’s thinking about you.

You also said he is still texting you. If he was in love with her, whether you were carrying his baby or not, he wouldn’t be doing that.

You also asked, “Any tips to help get his head straight?”

For that, my advice is, get him to a doctor that he can see regularly to help him cope with his PTSD until or after the baby is born. You can’t get his head straight. And from what I have seen, you are doing just fine handling things on your own right now.

You however, may want to work on getting your head straight. NOT saying there is something messed up with you, but merely suggesting that you turn your head away from your own pain and problems, and look directly at his and the truth that he is showing you. That truth is that he IS struggling with something, and that he DOES care enough about you to keep checking in on you, and that you KNOW he still “gives a damn”.

So give him a chance to give a damn, without judging him for his actions that are in all likelihood caused by his mental health struggles. You don’t need to and you shouldn’t be texting him all of the time to see how he is or ask whatever excuse you come up with. But you can give him a tremendous gift by giving him some space, and drawing close to him when he draws close to you the next time he texts you. He will realize at one point that this girl he is with right now is not the one that has stood by him through thick and thin.   I can assure you, he is not in love with a person that he took into his life one week after he broke up with the mother of his child.  And when he takes that bundle of joy into his arms for the first time, he will see you in an entirely different way. THIS I promise.

What do you do next?

The best relationship advice I can give you right now, Faith, is, hang in there. That’s why I changed your name to Faith. Every time you feel that baby kick, remember that he IS with you, more than it feels on those dark hours. Take care of YOU for the next two months, and by doing so, you will in some way be taking care of all three of you. Your child is the most important thing in your life right now, and the rest, from the sounds of it, will fall into place sooner than later.
We wish you the best of luck, and are eagerly waiting your update!!! Readers, drop some notes in the comments to wish our Faith well until we hear from her again!

How to Get Him Back When Your Man Has a Mental Health Diagnosis

Okay, I already know what most of you are thinking from the title of today’s post. Many of you with exes you are trying to get back, or even those you never want to see again, are certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that if he hasn’t come crawling back to you by now he must be a flat out crazy person.

What woman hasn’t thought that? Men do too, ever hear the term “psycho chick”?

I feel your pain, I too have had my share of men in my life who I have referred to as sociopathic, schizophrenic, or even bipolar, because they acted like two different people at multiple different times. It’s EASY to think someone is certifiably crazy when they say they love you one minute, but are out posting profiles to pick up other women the next. Truthfully, there’s nothing crazy in those kinds of behaviors, it just FEELS that way at the time. When something doesn’t make sense to us, we find it a little insane in our world. In fact, anything that veers from what you know to be normal seems crazy. There’s nothing wrong with a few incorrectly placed diagnoses during a heated breakup moment, we’ve all done it. I urge you to try and not do that toooo often, otherwise it won’t be the man that looks like the crazy person. Get it out of your system and move on girl, if he is acting bipolar you certainly don’t need that in your life.

But that’s not what I’m talking about today. What I am going to talk about today is the pain that comes with dating, being engaged to, or even being married to someone that has been given a certified diagnosis of a mental health issue.

Why would you want to talk about that, you say? Hardly anyone ever has to deal with THAT, you say?
Wrong. The truth is, mental health issues are on the rise, and you would be very surprised to learn just how much so. It is estimated that one in five people suffer from one of these hidden illnesses, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and the list is actually quite long. That means a lot of the people you know are suffering from these issues! That ALSO means, your chances of dating someone with a mental health problem is one in five. That’s right, scary number right?

Not really. The scariest thing about mental health issues is the unknown. When you don’t know what you are dealing with, you don’t know how to deal with it. It’s scary!

When you love someone that is dealing with this, it’s even harder. It’s more difficult, more scary, and more frustrating than the average relationship. If you are a woman that loves a man with a mental illness, then your chances of being in the position of having to figure out how to get him back increase as well, because their history of stable relationships is slim to none. Sound even scarier?

It doesn’t have to. We have a question from a reader on this very topic, and I am posting it today because I know there are millions of other women out there just like her that are confused, scared, and frustrated that the man they love is too sick to ever love them again.

Our friend Ashleigh has written in about her man who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Let’s have a look at the tough ride she has been on and see what we can do to help her out.

Me and my boyfriend have been in an on again off again relationship for about 3 years now. We’ve been through so much together, but he has a bad temper, bipolar and he’s slow so its very hard to deal with someone like that. He always thinks that I do him wrong and that I’m always against him, but that’s not the case! We argue all the time over little stuff. I try to talk to him down and calm him down before he starts getting upset, but instead he hangs up and get mad and doesn’t answer or return my calls.

He always does this especially when he know he’s wrong. His family really can’t put up with him because he talks down on everybody. Every time he messes up I always take him back, nobody will ever put up with his behavior except me. When we’re in public he acts like a little kid he’s(24). I do all I can for this man, and it seems like he doesn’t appreciate the things I do for him. Either he’s too dumb to realize or he just doesn’t know it yet.

Every time we argue we say mean things to each other but then I realize I was wrong and try to call him back, but he doesn’t answer. And when he does, he says I’m doing him wrong. So he went to stay with this girl, she kicked him out, called the police on him, and took all his money and left him lying there on the street. I fed him, took him back, washed his clothes, and since he had no where to stay I let him sneak in my parents house which I got into a lot of trouble for.

I brought him money and got him out of jail twice. He got drunk somewhere, passed out, I rushed to the hospital to see him twice nobody eles was there for him. After all that, I helped him get a side job. Now he’s saying to me that work is more important and that he doesn’t want to talk to me and that he doesn’t have time for me anymore. So he called the phone company and had them to turn my phone off.

He doesn’t realize that if it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t be where he’s at today. He needs to open his eyes and realize the things I do for him. When I call him, he ignores my phone call and tells me that I’m using him and taking advantage of him which is not true. Also, he tells me that he has a future with this girl that they are in love and all that stuff. Please help me give me some advice tell me what should I do.

Okay, well, this one is less tricky than it looks. I’ve highlighted some of the most important things in this letter. Before we break it down, let me just say “Ashleigh” that I am sorry you are going through this. It is very difficult to be with someone struggling with a seesaw of mental things going on inside. Even so, that doesn’t make your relationship any less normal than any of the rest of ours. What I am trying to say by that is, your prescription will be the same as everybody else’s which will make this process so much easier for you.

It is important to never forget there are two people in every relationship. That means, both parties need to take responsibility. It is not ONLY up to him to fix this, it is also up to you, if you want to really know how to get your ex boyfriend back, the RIGHT way.

You have a three year thing happening now, which is a good thing in the sense that you have a history to work with. Unfortunately it does not sound like a lot of that history has been good. You have taught him how to treat you by putting up with a lot of this, given the nature of his mental health. This is normal. When we have someone in our life that is mentally ill, we tend to give them a little more slack than we would the average person.

There’s nothing wrong with that. But this cycle becomes wrong when that’s all you do! If you are constantly giving, he is constantly going to be taking, and you wind up with all of the resentment you have here. What is he going to do? When you get bitter and resentful for not wanting to give anymore, he is going to move on and find someone that won’t be so bitter. Like the first girl who ended up calling the police on him when he took from her, and like this second girl who he claims he is in love with.

Given the history of relationships with most mentally ill people, I am going to put money on the fact that he won’t be with this new one any longer than he was with the last. It’s just the sorry cycle that he has to deal with unfortunately because of his mental health problems. What I mean by that is, he doesn’t know any better. And he won’t unless someone teaches him otherwise. And the woman that does, is going to be the one that keeps him.

That can be YOU, Ashleigh!

How are you going to do this? The same way every other woman here is trying to figure out how to get her boyfriend back. No contact zone, followed by some honest pure discussion. What I suggest to you is that you break up with him before you enter the No Contact Zone.

WHAT? Break up with someone you are trying to get back?

YES.

By doing so, you will teach him that you won’t be the giver 100% anymore. You teach him that you deserve better, which you do, and that if he wants you back, it will be on terms you can both agree with. You don’t need to be mean about it. All you need to do is write him a note, a text, or leave him a voicemail that sounds something like this:

“Hi honey, so glad to hear things are going well with you! You know how much I care about you and how much you mean to me. I’m so sorry that after all we have been through we really didn’t get the traction in our relationship that we both wanted, no matter how hard we tried. I hope after all this time we can be friends, because I want you to know that your well being and health means so much to me, and that I would do anything to help you. I only want your happiness because that’s how much I care for you. I’m sorry it worked out this way, maybe one day there will be hope for us after we have grown and healed. Thank you for everything that you have been in my life. If you ever need me, give me a call. Until then, I wish you all the best! Love, Ashleigh.”

When he sees or hears that, he will realize who the real woman in his life is. But once you do that, you HAVE to cut the ties in a NO CONTACT ZONE. He won’t call you or write you back right away, anyway. He will use some time to digest this, and try and process it. If he is with someone else, there is a chance that this letter or voicemail will begin to highlight to him what this other person is NOT. He will either very seriously consider coming back to you, or at the very least, begin initiating contact again.

For 30 days, you are not to answer him. You are to live your life and remind yourself how happy you are without this stress. Then, when you hear from him, you ask him to meet you for a coffee or a lunch and…take it from there.

How do I know this works? Well, I know it has worked for me, and I know it has worked for other ladies that have sought my same advice on this very topic. At this point, showing him you are a woman worth appreciating by letting him go for 30 days is a good move, because you have absolutely NOTHING to lose at this point. And, it shows him that you DO appreciate him as well!

Good luck, and drop us a note and let us know what happened!

What do you think readers? Have I missed anything? Pop your thoughts in the comments box if you have any other thoughts on how to get your boyfriend back!