We get a lot of messages and questions about controlling men. The relationship advice for these women is always the same: Let go. It seems that freedom is such a rare commodity these days, that you shouldn’t have to fight for it in your own home too. But it’s easy to say that, isn’t it? It’s a lot harder to do when you have spent years with someone. We have a question from a reader that is dealing with this painstaking problem. She wants relationship advice about a man that she is not even in love with. There’s so many women going through this right now, that I wanted to highlight this question today. Why do they stay? Here’s what our friend Arezoo has to say.
Hi , I really need some advice about my boyfriend . we were together for almost 8 months. from the beginning he is serious but I am not. he was so jealous about my ex or my male friends that come to the point I choose him and don’t have connection with my ex or ex classmates or coworkers. he has some tip of controlling behavior but except this , he is so kind, hardworking ambitious guy and we have a good sex life too. he is so shy and some how anti social and I used to be so social . but after I am serious with him , try not to be so social and limit my friends cycle.
we are living with together now for 2 months but I am still not sure that I want him to introduce my family and be married . I know I don’t love him but I feel calm and safe and be loved around him, and I should mention I am 34 years old and I want to be married before 40 . please help me how can I make sure to be with him or just let go and move on ! Thank you, Arezoo
We get a lot of messages like this. So let’s recap this. They’ve been together for 8 months and were living together at 6 months. She knows she doesn’t love him, but she feels safe and loved. She is 34, and wants to be married by 40. But, he’s jealous and asking her to choose between him, and her friends. I repeat – she says she feels loved by him.
First, no man that ever loves you will ever ask you to lose friends for him. So dear Arezoo, you are spot on that he is a controlling and jealous person. But he’s displaying some of the warning signs of not just controlling, but psychological abuse. Isolation from family and friends is one of the first warning signs. You are allowed to be in love, and have friends too. Is this man going to be okay with that with you? My guess is no, he’s already said you can’t.
These controlling men escalate. Once he has succeeded in isolating you from friends, he works on your family. He will make excuses and come up with stories on why you should see them less, and less, and less, until one day you wake up and realize it’s been years since you saw them. You did what he asked because you thought it meant you were showing him that you love him.
But no man that loves you will ever want to erase your support system.
I actually do understand him not wanting you to be around your ex. That is pretty normal, and not controlling. I don’t know the context of the conversations you have with him about that. But you would be hard pressed to find a man that wants you to spend more time with your ex. So I’m going to give him that one, and you may want to consider doing the same if you want to stay with him.
But friends or classmates? No. You are allowed to have friends sweetie. And having friends doesn’t mean you don’t love your man.
Which brings me to my next point. You actually use the words “I don’t love him.” For most people, this ends the conversation. You don’t need relationship advice, my friend. You need courage to do what your heart is telling you to do.
This is not one of those situations where you need help to make him miss you. And I have a feeling that if you asked him to leave your home, and entered the “No Contact” zone, you are one of the women that would be okay with that. You wouldn’t be checking your phone every five minutes, instead, you would be cringing every time you heard the text tone as you would be wondering if it was him bothering you again. The No Contact exercise would be easy for you. Because you don’t love him, and find many of his traits very stifling.
This alone should be all you need to know on what to do next. I don’t know your living situation, but if it is your house he is staying in, then it’s very easy to ask him to go. Ask for a little break, tell him you need a little space. That moving in after 6 months was a little fast and overwhelming for you. Tell him that in a month or so you two will talk and reassess. Give yourself that month of space, you’ll find it very liberating. You’ll be able to clear your head and think about this without having him poking over your shoulder every five minutes wondering who you are talking to.
If it is his house that you moved into, then take the time to do what you need to do to get a new place before you make the move. That’s just the smart and practical thing to do. Maybe you already have the funds to do so and can move right now. But if you don’t, start socking away a little bit at a time every time you get some income, until you have enough. Then, make your move. Or, if you can, move in with some parents or friends until you can get back on your feet again.
When you are telling him that this is your plan, do so in a public place. This is for your own safety. Tell him gently and with kindness that you need a little break, just to clear your head, and you are living somewhere else for a little while. Or that he is. And when you leave that meeting, leave to go to your new home, or wherever you have set up for yourself. Wait for him to leave the establishment, before you do. Jealous and controlling men have a way of following women that have just cut them loose. So don’t give him any of those opportunities.
I have a feeling that if you enter a 30 day no contact period with him, you will find much relief. Trust me, the last thing you want to do is marry a guy you don’t love. Because this marriage is doomed before it even begins. Marriage is a HUGE decision and should not be made just because someone makes you feel safe. You need to love everything about this person. Because if it ends, and my hunch is that it will within 5 to 7 years, then you are going to be dealing with a far bigger nightmare than you are dealing with now.
Spare yourself that grief now. One month of clarity time in the no contact period is worth saving yourself years of heartache down the road. And you will even find that once you are free of having someone over your shoulder every five minutes, you will feel more free to look for love in other places.
There is someone out there that loves you, or will love you fully and completely without asking you to give up a single thing for them. But cut a guy a break when he wants you to move on from an ex. That is healthy. Any other kind of controlling or jealous behavior though is not. You deserve to live your life in freedom. When someone else is calling your shots, that is not freedom.
Get your free will back and take control of this situation. Make him miss you by showing him you are a strong, independent woman who deserves to be treated better. Maybe he will kick his jealousy and controlling habits when he sees you really mean it. And maybe he won’t. But that’s his problem, not yours. Love your Self enough to let go, at least for a little while, just to see what life sends your way in those 30 days. And let us know how this goes!