You hear me talk about the No Contact Rule a lot. And there’s a reason for that. It’s JUST that important. I am not deluded into thinking however that it is easy, I know that it’s not.
Been there, done that, have a few T shirts over it that I never want to see again. Probably the only thing harder than the breakup itself is that period afterwards when you have a million things over-analyzing in your head that make you think, if I could just TALK to him one more time I will feel better.
You won’t. You will feel worse.
Because you will go in with the expectation that things WILL get better, and they won’t. Breakups happen for a reason. But if you truly are serious about learning how to get him back, you HAVE to stay true to the No Contact Zone. So today we are going to talk about ways that make that a little easier for you.
The painful aspect of breakups comes with the loss. In fact it is very similar to the grieving period, because something HAS died. The relationship has. Yes, sometimes you can make him miss you and get him back, but that isn’t going to happen if you keep talking to him. Even if it seems that he is yo-yoing a little bit back and forth with you.
Remember that the key to this website and all of the information presented is to help you find the best relationship possible. The focus is learning how to make him miss you, AND get him back more committed and loving than he ever was before. I will say it again, you can’t make him miss you if you are talking to him, or trying to.
We have a reader that knows what needs to be done – follow the No Contact Rule, but is just having a very hard time doing it. My heart goes out, and yours will too. Here’s what she says:
I loved this man from the first day I saw him about 6 years ago. I never felt that way about anyone ever; so this has been difficult for me. We started as friends first and both saw each other through divorces. We began to see each other intimately after that. We loved the same things and did everything together. I trusted him wholly and we seemed to be headed down a good path.
Well, I knew I loved him and he always professed his love for me but always said he needed to take his time before getting into a heavy relationship again. He always said he wanted me to be his wife but give him some time. In fact, he said that statistics show that about 1-2 years after his divorce and about a year after my divorce that we would be ready to start a heavy relationship and pursue marriage. He was divorced about 2.5 years ago and I was divorced about 1.5 years ago.
He asked me to be his girlfriend officially. It was great until I innocently went to pull up my e-mail and his popped up on our computer. He had met a lady on Plenty of Fish back in August 2010 and started an intimate relationship with her about the same time we began our official dating and before he moved in. I found out on April 17, 2011.
I was devastated.
I showed him the e-mail and asked that he move out but he refused to leave because he was leaving her anyway. He asked that I forgive him and we would move forward because it was a mistake on his part. Well, it took about 3 months for me to talk with him amicably again.
I asked 3 things of him if we were to try again, 1. We both be tested for everything! Done. I asked that he cease contact with her. 2. I checked our phone logs periodically and he still talked to her up until this month in 2012 sporadically. 3. attend couples’ counseling. Not done.
I asked him to leave on July 29, 2011. He did and removed my ability to check our phone logs, so he thought.
I already know the answer to what needs to be done. He is not for me; I have to get away. But why is it so hard?
We had so much fun together, he was affectionate and thoughtful and everyone thought we were the perfect couple. I need to break free in my heart from him but how. He still pops up at my home and I let him. He still spends nights with me. He says he loves me and he has been trying hard to do what I ask of him. Truth is he doesn’t answer his phone for hours when he goes to his home or is out and I just don’t trust him. I need to let him go. How do I let my best friend and lover go?
I am torn but it is best for both of us.I am sad about this everyday but I know there is someone better for me. He tells me that no one will ever love and care for me the way he does. I am terrified of finding out this may be true but it has been too difficult to move forward with him because the trust was destroyed.
Please help me.
First of all, I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Second of all, my hearty congratulations to you for teaching him that you will not put up with this kind of behavior. As well, congratulations on laying down some serious ground rules before you even entertained the thought of giving this relationship another chance.
Readers, take some lessons from this! THIS is almost exactly how it’s done.
I say almost, because you slipped a bit there in terms of the No Contact Zone, but hey, it’s easy to do. Sooooooo easy. The good news? You know what you need to do.
The not so good news?
Your last few sentences really concerned me. I fear he may be manipulating you for his own gain. Not saying he is doing that on purpose, but it happens a lot. He is using your history to make you feel like he is the only one that will love you, or is worth having in your life.
I get aggravated with men like this. Here’s a guy that goes out and cheats on a good, loyal woman, and then has the nerve to tell her nobody else will love her the way that he does.
My advice to you is, the next time he says that, say “I hope you are right, because I deserve to be loved better than the way that you loved me.”
But I will tell you, he is WRONG in the notion that nobody else will ever love you. Who says that to someone they love anyway? Fools. He’s also saying that because he doesn’t want you to find anybody else. He wants you to keep pining for him while he keeps his options wide open.
I hope that knowing that will make your No Contact Zone a little bit easier. Knowing that you are better off without someone ALWAYS makes that no contact period a little bit easier. Cutting him off for good is what you need to do right now. You’ve already said the trust is destroyed. That means that nothing else can happen with the two of you right now unfortunately, but the great news is that you recognize that and are ready to move forward. Now you just need to muster up the strength to do just that, without him.
This means losing contact all together. For at least a few months, I am advising you a bit longer than the general 30 day rule, because this guy needs some space, and you need to be far away from his relationship propaganda. You need some time to prove him wrong about being lovable. No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no accidental drive by’s, no nothing. He is history now, you need to make him history which means, not a thing of the present.
Next, online dating.
Even if you are not ready to go on an actual date just yet, put a profile up with your hottest most fabulous you picture. You will soon realize that other men will find you lovable again. See, it’s MUCH easier to stay true to the No Contact Zone when you are very busy fielding inquires from good guys yourself.
They say distracting yourself is the best way to get over a breakup, and I agree. And what better way to distract yourself than by realizing that this particular guy is really and truly not the only guy in the world. So go out, get your fabulous on, and report back!
Did I miss anything? How do you handle the No Contact Rule? What makes it easier for you? I want to hear your thoughts, so keep ‘em coming!