Have you ever found yourself in a relationship situation, no matter how committed or permanent it feels, where you were just so confused? I think I see everybody’s hand raised on that one. Yeah, we’ve all been there! And this is when we need relationship advice the most. Today we have a reader who is not sure what to do in her current relationship. She’s not really wondering how to make him miss you, or trying to find out how to get her boyfriend back or anything like that. She’s just trying to figure out what to do in her relationship. Her question runs along the lines of should I cheat on my husband, I might be a lesbian.” I think overall, this reader is just confused.
When we are in a relationship that is no longer meeting our needs, we have a tendency to think a little desperately. I am not saying that this dear reader is confused or desperate, I think she’s just not sure what to do, and is looking at her options. We’ve all been there! When you are in a relationship that isn’t working, you begin to think about what could be available to you that would work. And this is often when we need relationship advice the most.
Here we have a reader who is married, but very clearly not satisfied and her relationship. She’s even done all the right things, by communicating with her husband about being more satisfied in their current relationship. And failing that, she has begun looking at other options. Including cheating. Including relationships with other women.
As long time readers here know, I will never advise or encourage anybody to cheat in their current relationship. So before we get into this letter I just want to say little bit about that. If you are not happy in your current relationship, the best and most appropriate thing to do for all parties, including yourself, is to safely and appropriately extricate yourself from that relationship. This is even more important when that relationship is a marriage!
A marriage is a legally binding contract, and cheating or infidelity of any kind is grounds for divorce. Now if you were caught on the wrong side of a divorce, meaning you are to blame for the divorce, this could get very expensive and even embarrassing. Nobody wants that. So despite the fact that cheating in a marriage is legally complicated, expensive and embarrassing, it also does nobody any good. It doesn’t actually solve the relationship problems. In fact, it makes things emotionally worse for all parties. I’m also a very big believer in karma. And cheating in relationships, that’s bad relationship karma for everybody. Nobody wants that either. But that doesn’t mean that this poor reader cannot be helped today. Let’s have a look at her story.
Hi Michelle, I wonder whether you have some advice for a woman who is very much unsatisfied in a relationship and exploring other options. I am 28, married for last 8 yrs and have a 7 yr old son. It seems I am missing a lot in the pleasure department and it’s getting worse each day and I wake up disappointed. I tried talking to hubby to spice things up, but he seems disinterested. I began using a sex toy few months ago discreetly (a suction cup dildo) but obviously its not a permanent solution. I think I am an attractive woman by anyone’s standard and I know there are other guys who are interested in me. I had a very brief fling with a really cute guy who I have a professional relationship with few months ago but did not want to pursue as I wasn’t ready for an affair. I am also thinking of rekindling an old lesbian relationship I had with an older woman before my marriage. She was an amazing pleaser, I am pretty sure she would still be open to that idea. From what I know, both her daughters have now moved out so that might even be better (she is still married though). She is still flaming hot for age 🙂 ..What do u think I should do? I don’t want to separate or divorce from hubby because of my son but I will go crazy if I continue to be less than satisfied in the bedroom. I’d really like to know your thoughts, so plz email me if you can.
Thanks a million!
Like I said, so far this reader has done everything right as far as her current relationship and husband is concerned. She has communicated with her husband about her needs, and is hoping to find a solution within the relationship for those needs. But she’s not getting it. So she’s very confused and trying to find a way to be happy in life. There is nothing wrong with that. You are allowed to be happy. In fact, you should always take whatever means necessary to find your happiness. But when you’re in a bad marriage, that means you take to find your happiness in relationships, it’s just going to take you a little bit longer. Have a look at my article on finding intimacy with your partner.
The first step
For this reader, the first step is to figure out what she wants to do with her current relationship. Dear Amanda, I can’t advise you to do anything else in your relationships until you have figured this one out. And honestly, I think you know what the answer to this one is. I don’t like to give relationship advice that suggests it’s time to dissolve a marriage. This is another one of those situations where I would recommend relationship advice at a more professional and escalated level than myself. I think you and your husband would both benefit from seeing a therapist, individually and in couples therapy, to help you sort this one out. There’s a few things that could happen with this.
There is a very small chance that you could go to couples therapy with your husband, and actually make him miss you by doing this. This will show him that you are simply looking for satisfaction or love in romance again, and you will be able to safely communicate this to him in a therapeutic setting. Maybe he just needs to hear those words from you in a different way than you have already expressed to him. So that’s one thing that could happen here.
Another thing that could happen here is that you both discover that no matter how much love you may have shared in the past, it’s not enough to save this marriage. I don’t know if that’s the case here. But it does sound like that’s a very real possibility for you. If that is the case, then what therapy will do for both of you is help you to find closure and wind this relationship down in a safe and healthy way.
You will be able to leave this situation with as few wounds as possible. Divorce is some serious baggage. No matter what you do with the rest of your life, sweetie, there will be pain and baggage from this relationship. That’s why I’m suggesting therapy. This will help you both to heal and move on, either with or without each other. Then, at the end of the day, you will be able to say with confidence and with truth, that you did everything you could to do things right by your husband, and most importantly, for your self.
What happens next
There will be one of two things to happen next. Either you will make him miss you by igniting that spark again through communication in therapy. Or you won’t, and you will begin a new chapter for yourself. And this is why I also recommend individual therapy for you. It appears that you just want to be happy. There’s nothing wrong with that! I think you’re very confused about how to achieve that happiness. We’ve all been there! I think that individual therapy will really help you to tear away some of those cobwebs of confusion, and get real clarity on what kind of happiness you actually want, and how to get it.
Let me tell you, as someone who personally knows somebody, a male, who was cheated on by his wife with another woman, this is a devastating blow to a relationship and a marriage, and it leaves scars that will last a lifetime. You do not want to be responsible for that. And if you take the steps that you are considering right now, you will be. So try and avoid that mess if you can.
I know that therapy can be expensive, and this is something that is probably a concern to you. It’s a concern to anybody that enters therapy. But so is divorce, and so is divorce when you are at fault. If you need help finding help in your area, touch base with us again and I will be happy to help you do some research in that area. But I would be doing you and your husband and your relationship and your sense of happiness a disservice if I encouraged you to cheat on your husband with anybody.
But at the same time, you deserve to be happy. Have a look at some of our previous articles on cheating and trust issues, where I talk about relationship advice for those in a cheating situation. Don’t make your problem bigger if you don’t have to and can avoid it. You deserve to be satisfied and you deserve every happiness in the world.
It’s a very brave thing to tell your partner that they’re just not doing it for you. And it’s a difficult thing to do too. But it’s even more difficult to clean up the mess of a cheating situation. So keep those lines of communication open with him, and with us, and we certainly wish you all the best in our rooting for you! Let us know what you decided to do, and how this worked out. Have any of you ever been in this kind of situation?