Today’s topic is a tough one. Oh, they’re all tough. From mental health issues to paternity tests there is no easy answer for any love dilemma. But the toughest ones for me to read are the ones where abuse is so obvious to the rest of the world, but not so much to the poor ladies that suffer with this every single day. Many of you women write in on this very topic and I wish I could answer them all. Today we are going to cover this topic and I hope and pray that those of you who have not had a letter answered yet will take note! Here is a very common question I get, “I think he’s abusive and I want to know how to get him back. Help!”
That’s pretty much the gist of today’s question, and I’m here to say, let that fish go sweetheart. See, the unfortunate thing is that most of these questions do not even use the word abuse, which suggests to me that you poor women don’t even realize that it’s happening. It doesn’t have to be hitting or slamming or slapping or punching for it to be abuse. If a man is not treating you with dignity and respect, and is hitting or slamming or slapping or punching your emotional heart strings without any concern for your emotional welfare, it’s abuse. Period. You don’t need to know how to get him back, you need to know how to move on, heal, and find the man that will give you the dignity and respect you so deserve.
The problem is that we don’t think highly enough of ourselves to even admit when he’s behaving oh so wrong. A mean word here or there, hey, it happens in the throes of fighting. But when this is happening every single day of your relationship, you need to get out. There is no length of No Contact Zone that will save your relationship, unless he experiences some heavy therapy before you even consider taking him back.
Today’s reader, I am going to call her Angel. Let’s look at her story, one that I know is all too familiar with many of you.
Hi,I hope you can help me sort out things..my situation is very hard and even I can’t understand why things are like this now..First my bf is like a hard to get guy, I can’t ask questions, I can’t ask where he’s going or whom he is with…he always said it’s a business matter and I should not question him.
We’re living together but when he’s angry with me he will always have this habit of slapping me that I don’t have the right to ask him anything even if he comes home with a woman or [sleeps with] all the women he wants…It hurts you know, even sometimes those things make me paranoid..
We had some serious problems and some of it was my mistake..wrong decisions and it affected him..He doesn’t trust me with anything anymore because of my fault, but we’re still living together…But sometimes he wants me to look up for my own place..I’m just at home and running errands for him….then last month he said he will have a visitor from his family so I have to look up for a place to stay..Then when I found a place after a week he broke up with me..he said he doesn’t like my attitude that always asking things that he doesn’t like….I can’t help but txt or call him because ,he promised me he will call and txt me, but if I dont txt or call he won’t remember me..
Then, I beg him to meet me because I miss him so much. He agreed and we watched movie..then while eating he told me there’s no relatives coming to the house he just wanted me to learn something being away with him,..he said I can always go back whenever I want so I decided to go back that night too…then on his laundry there a used clothes like a sign that someone made love..and I asked him, he said it’s a man thing because he missed me but it’s strange ….
I hope u get what I mean…I’m 2 weeks now back here on his house, but last night, I saw an email on his laptop..I mean on a notepad..it broke my heart..he’s flirting with someone..I txted him and told him about it..He told me I should go back to my house and I am imagining things that there is us…and he doesn’t look forward for us to stay longer..
My world stop last night with the SMS. I replied to him and asked why he lead me on and asked me to start a family, thats why I came back …and he didn’t reply me…but I’m still here. I didn’t talk to him today and he didn’t make a move to talk to me…
I hope you can help me with what’s the best thing to do..
I love him so much but I don’t know why he’s like this? Do you think he loves me?
thanks in advance.
Let’s break this down. I am not going to go line by line, as you can see I’ve bolded some of the “areas of concern” to me. Angel says, I can’t do this, I can’t do that, I don’t have this right, I don’t have that right, and the list is quite lengthy and goes on and on. She also mentions that this person who has the audacity to call himself a man has this “habit of slapping me”. That to me is the most disturbing, however, I do need to say, even without that, this is an abusive man.
An abusive man is one that doesn’t need to hit to be abusive. He is manipulative, controlling, narcissistic, and will ALWAYS put his own needs before hers. When his words don’t work, he uses his hands to get the message across. For this couple, he calls the shots in every single area. He has even tried to break up with her, but clearly has a difficult time finding a woman that will put up with these antics, so he “lets” Angel come back into his life when he is lacking what he needs in a relationship. Which essentially is servitude and an obedient woman who will shut up and do what he says and do what he wants with whoever he wants without giving him flack.
That is not okay. That is not a healthy relationship. And if you do get him back for good, the only thing that you can guarantee for yourself is that these problems are going to continue, and get worse.
When an abusive man finds a woman who will let him get away with one little thing, he loves it. He starts stripping away her rights one by one until she does exactly what he wants, when he wants. Then, because he feeds on power and manipulation, this one little thing will not be enough. So he will escalate to another bigger thing. First she can’t ask where he is going and who he is with. Once he’s satisfied that he has controlled her in this way, he will escalate that to blame shifting. “Well, you did something in the past so now I can’t trust you and you deserve everything that I give to you now.” Pretty soon, she has no rights left and she has no idea how this happened to her.
She, having absolutely no self worth left to call her own, takes it. When that has worked well for him, he escalates to more control when she protests his manipulation tactics. With every escalation there is more risk of danger to this woman. He has now escalated to hitting her to quiet her, and…as we can see…gotten away with it. What’s next on his list? Because I know from history and from a multitude of research studies that this is not going to be enough for him. He WILL escalate to bigger things to use in his quest for power and control, and this is very dangerous to you.
For some women Angel, the mistake of staying with this kind of man will sadly, cost them their life. This is not worth it. No man is worth it. He’s lying about his relatives to play a game with you to see if you want him badly enough. You are falling for it, because he has shredded your self esteem and you can’t see the forest through the trees.
But you know it’s wrong. A little voice inside your head told you it was wrong, and that’s why you wrote me your letter. And I’m so glad that you did. You need to leave, Angel. You just do. Because I seriously fear for your safety if you stay with this man. This cycle will NOT stop unless you break it yourself.
I’m not going to directly answer the question, “Do you think he loves me?” What do YOU think, Angel? Before you answer this honestly, consider these very important things about when a man loves a woman. A man that loves a woman will joyfully respond to any text messages she sends him. A man that loves a woman will not strip her of the basic rights of asking questions. A man that loves a woman does not hit her. A man that loves a woman does not lie to her to get her out of the house just to see if she will come crawling back to him. A man that loves a woman will not blame her repeatedly for her past errors of judgement, particularly when he is quite guilty of his own errors of judgement every single day he is with her. And, a man that loves a woman will not carry on a relationship with someone else online, WHILE waiting for his other woman to come crawling back to him.
I don’t want to tell you how to get this man back, Angel. Because I think you deserve better. You deserve a man that won’t hit you, that will cherish your text messages, and that will give you all of himself and be grateful for the all of you that you give back to him.
I find it interesting that you signed your letter “More power”. Interesting because MORE POWER is something you need desperately right now. More power to leave him. More power to pick up your broken self, seek out your support system that he has probably alienated you from, and more power to become strong again so that you can find the man that WILL treat you the way you deserve.
The real man you deserve is out there. But you won’t be able to find him if you stay with this one. It’s your life, why are you letting someone else call the shots? Break the cycle, Angel. And please come back and tell us how it went!
Readers, show Angel some love and offer some of your own relationship advice to help give her MORE POWER! Drop your comments for Angel in the box below and let her know I’m not the ONLY ONE that sees this abuse! Dear Angel, more power and peace be to YOU as you take this next very important step in your journey of healing, and your quest for the love that you so deeply deserve. We’re all rooting for you, and waiting to hear your update!