Relationship Advice: Should I Leave Him If He’s Using Me For Sex?

Relationship Advice SexThere are two kinds of relationships. There are casual relationships that are just for sex or intimacy. And then there are committed relationships where both partners agree to be exclusive and faithful to each other. In both of these kinds of relationships, you need to have communication with each other in order to ensure that you are both on the same page as to what kind of relationship you are in.

If you have not consented to be in a relationship that is strictly sexual, then you need to either get out of this relationship, or have a conversation with the other party and re-define the boundaries in your relationship. The sad thing is, many women find themselves in sex only relationships that they did not consent to be in. And this is the relationship advice that we are giving today. What do you do in this situation?

The answer will always be communication. And if you don’t like the way that conversation goes, then you go into the No Contact zone.

There is nothing wrong with being in a relationship that is strictly sexual, so long as you both have had the conversation that is required to set those boundaries. And if you have not, then you need to have that conversation. And if you have not, and he’s treating you as if those are the boundaries and your relationship, then you still need to have that conversation. In fact, if that is the case, the only step you can take to save your relationship is to have that conversation.

Nobody deserves to be used for intimacy. At the same time, there’s nothing wrong with those kind of relationships, if that is clearly defined. But when it is not, is when I hear from the other party that is sad and confused and feeling used. So this is what our reader is asking us about today. Have a look at Christina’s question.

 So, Michelle

Should I leave this relationship? for his birthday, He wants to get a motel for a few hours and go back before it gets dark back to his daughter.  And he said “He will tell his daughter, that he’s going out for his birthday by himself !!!!

I’m hurt and confused Christina

Before I say anything about Christina’s question, I want to say, that I try to give relationship advice to help you succeed in your relationships and love affairs, but I really am not in the position to make life-changing decisions for you. So my relationship advice is geared to helping you decide what you can do to take control of your relationships. I can gladly give you dating advice on what decisions would be best for you, but I can’t at the end of the day tell you what to do. So Christina’s question is, should I leave him?” My answer to that is, it really is up to you.

Do You Know What Kind of Relationship You Are In?

Knowing what I have said about the two kinds of relationships that exist will help you come to this decision. The first thing you need to do, Christina, is take inventory on what the status of your relationship is. Are you behind door number one, or are you behind door number two? Or are you behind the very confused door number three that we see in so many of our readers lives? This is that confused area where you’re having sex with him, but you’re not sure if it’s going to go somewhere.

My relationship advice for those that are standing behind door number three, which I suspect is a lot of you, is to clarify the boundaries in your relationship with the other party. Just ask him. I know that it sounds easier said than done, trust me. But that’s the only way you’re going to get out of confuses door number three.

I can’t tell you whether you should leave him or not, because I don’t know what your relationship goals are, I don’t know what his relationship goals are, and I don’t really know what the feelings are in the situation.  But what I can tell you, is that if you are not being treated the way that you want to be treated in love, you absolutely can take control of that situation and get your power back. And you absolutely should!

You Are In Control of Your Romantic Destiny

I have to be honest, I’ve never quite heard of a situation like this that you described, that wasn’t usually consensual. And it sounds to me like you’re having problems with it, so it’s clearly not a situation where two consenting adults are concerned. Now that does not mean I think he’s forcing himself on you. But I do think he may be forcing you to have a kind of relationship that you don’t really want to have.  Otherwise, you wouldn’t be writing to me and you’d be perfectly happy going to motel rooms with the guy that wants to do everything in the dark and in secret.

So now that we have had the usual talk about defining boundaries, and deciding what you want in loving relationships, now you want to know what you can do about this. And there is a lot that you can do!

First, get into the No Contact zone with him. Do not wait, do that today.   Send him a very loving and kind text or email that thanks him for all the great times. But bring to his attention that the current situation is in a place that you don’t want it to be, and that you’re not comfortable with that. Tell him you are yourself going to “go dark” for a little while.  Then tell him, if he ever finds himself on the same page as you relationship wise, to give you a call, and that you’ll be very happy to hear from him if he does.

Those few steps are going to take care of all of your relationship problems with this particular gentlemen who seems to only want you for one thing. I would recommend that you read some of our relationship advice articles on what to do during the No Contact zone, and what you do after the No Contact soon when you both have had time to think about where your relationship has had it. I also recommend you have a look to see how to know when it’s time to walk away.

And as always, please do drop us a line and follow up with us on how the situation went. Dear readers how do you handle situations where you’re both on different pages in terms of relationship status? Dear Christina, I think you can make him miss you. But I don’t think you should go back to him unless he’s really on the same page as you. So set those boundaries, and let us know how this goes.

Relationship Advice During No Contact: “He cursed me out. Am I a battered woman?”

Relationship Advice Battered Women

We get all sorts of questions asking the same question, “How to make him miss you.” But among the saddest questions are those questions from readers that are in hurtful relationships. By hurtful I mean, abusive. Domestic violence and partner abuse are no laughing matter. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence says that every twenty minutes it happens in America, and that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men are impacted by this painful situation.

The biggest question for those that have a loved one stuck in this trap, and even from society watching it unfold, is, “Why would anybody stay with such a person?” The answer is multi-pronged and in its entirety beyond the scope of this message. But one of the reasons is a lack of self-esteem. Some women just can’t get out, because they feel like this is what they deserve. But another, even worse answer is, many women do not even know they are abused, or a battered women. We recently had one reader ask us this question.

The statistics on emotional abuse or emotional battery are much more difficult to pin down, because women typically do not report this.  And we are often dealing with a system stacked against victims. If the police do not see bruises, there is literally nothing they can do. But if you are trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship, there is something that YOU can do. And wondering how to make him miss you is the least of your problems. But we are going to tackle this head on today. Marcy writes us this story that illustrates some of the symptoms of emotional abuse. Here’s what she said.

I feel stupid for even wanting him back.  He Cursed me out, called me names, sent me pictures of another mans genitals 40 times.  All in the same day he dumped me I guess.  2 weeks later he said, “we’ll we’ve all called each other names before.”  I kept Texting over and over & now I need to try something new.  Sad thing were both 51 years old.  He even threatened to Steal My Car.

I’ve known him since I was 12.  On and off for 37 years.  More off than on.

Am I a Battered Woman?, Marcy

We’ve covered this before in the Not So Subtle Signs You are in an Abusive Relationship.  Now, before I get into what I think about this situation to give Marcy her answer, let’s take a look at what the data DOES say about emotional abuse. It’s clinically called psychological abuse.  Our friends at the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) have alarming statistics on this problem. And the reason for that is the same reason I stated above – people don’t report it, because being mean without causing physical harm is *mostly* not a crime. So, sadly, it happens more often than physical domestic violence.

The NCADV says 48.4 percent of women and 48.8 percent of men have experienced psychological abuse in their relationships at some point in their life. That’s almost half!

Psychological abuse is noted by the following:

  • Humiliating the victim
  • Controlling what they can or cannot do
  • Keeping secrets, withholding information
  • Deliberately doing something that makes them feel embarrassed or diminished
  • Isolating them – no friends or family for you!
  • Demeaning them publicly or privately
  • Undermining their confidence or self-worth
  • Convincing them they are crazy – also known as gaslighting.

This “gaslighting” phenomenon can be difficult to understand.

Let’s say you lost something. But you lost it because he put it away somewhere, knowing you would be looking for it. When you look for it, he lights into you for being so lazy and irresponsible. Then all of a sudden he finds it for you, amplifying how lazy and irresponsible you are because you not only lost something, but HE had to be the one to save the day.

The term “gaslight” comes from the 1944 movie with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman where he kept her isolated inside the house, and slowly tried to convince her she was crazy. The gaslights would come on in the house when she thought he wasn’t home, and she thought she was losing her mind. Meanwhile, Prince Charming is upstairs the whole time in a secret room off their mansion turning them on and off.

Do you feel like this might be happening to you? You might be getting gaslit my friend. Now, looking at that list, and Marcy’s letter, what do YOU think I am going to say about whether or not she’s a battered woman?

Frankly, I’m not a therapist or law enforcement officer and there are some things beyond my scope here. However, the first question I have for Marcy is, why do you want this man back?

Let’s go through YOUR list of symptoms:

  • He makes you feel demeaned when he curses you out. You already “feel stupid.”
  • He intentionally embarrasses you with not one, not two, but 40 obscene pictures of another man! Little red flag there!
  • Same day he dumps you
  • “He even threatened to steal my car.” He’s taking away your escape plan. This is not someone with your safety as a top priority of his. And p.s., the next time he issues this threat, call the police.
  • 2 weeks later, when this prize has not been picked up by another unsuspecting pure-hearted woman he tries to get back with you – “we’ve all been nasty, right? Let’s move forward.” This is gaslighting. Translation: “Let’s just pretend I wasn’t a total donkey and move forward.”

Dear Marcy, sweetheart, you are not stupid!!  He’s known you long enough that he knows how to push your buttons.  There’s obviously been some good or you won’t even be asking me whether or not you are a battered woman as you would have already moved on.

Things brings us to the other reason women stay: It’s safe. Finding love is just so darn difficult. Am I right? Otherwise you all wouldn’t be here wondering how to make him miss you.  Many women would rather take a few minutes of good over one year, than try and try again.

But you are worth so much more than a few minutes of good, demeaning names, and more. Is it really going to take a stolen car to realize this guy is not valuing you?

For many women, it is. Marcy, I think you know the answer to your question.  I can tell you that based on the limited information, I do suspect you are an emotionally battered woman. But as far as helping you get your boyfriend back, my advice is, it may be time to make him miss you. Permanently.

Have a look at one of my articles on relationship advice for women that can’t recognize the signs of abuse.  There’s someone out there for you that will never curse you out, demean you, send you naked pictures of someone else, or gaslight you. None of that behavior falls in the range of healthy. But there are many that are willing to be in a healthy relationship with you. Love your Self enough to go looking for them. And let us know how you are doing!

Relationship Advice For Women on Controlling Men – How to Let Go

We get a lot of messages and questions about controlling men. The relationship advice for these women is always the same:  Let go. It seems that freedom is such a rare commodity these days, that you shouldn’t have to fight for it in your own home too. But it’s easy to say that, isn’t it? It’s a lot harder to do when you have spent years with someone.  We have a question from a reader that is dealing with this painstaking problem. She wants relationship advice about a man that she is not even in love with.  There’s so many women going through this right now, that I wanted to highlight this question today. Why do they stay? Here’s what our friend Arezoo has to say.

Hi , I really need some advice about my boyfriend . we were together for almost 8 months. from the beginning he is serious but I am not. he was so jealous about my ex or my male friends that come to the point I choose him and don’t have connection with my ex or ex classmates or coworkers. he has some tip of controlling behavior but except this , he is so kind, hardworking ambitious guy and we have a good sex life too. he is so shy and some how anti social and I used to be so social . but after I am serious with him , try not to be so social and limit my friends cycle.

we are living with together now for 2 months but I am still not sure that I want him to introduce my family and be married . I know I don’t love him but I feel calm and safe and be loved around him, and I should mention I am 34 years old and I want to be married before 40 . please help me how can I make sure to be with him or just let go and move on ! Thank you, Arezoo

We get a lot of messages like this.  So let’s recap this. They’ve been together for 8 months and were living together at 6 months. She knows she doesn’t love him, but she feels safe and loved. She is 34, and wants to be married by 40. But, he’s jealous and asking her to choose between him, and her friends. I repeat – she says she feels loved by him.

First, no man that ever loves you will ever ask you to lose friends for him. So dear Arezoo, you are spot on that he is a controlling and jealous person.  But he’s displaying some of the warning signs of not just controlling, but psychological abuse. Isolation from family and friends is one of the first warning signs.  You are allowed to be in love, and have friends too. Is this man going to be okay with that with you? My guess is no, he’s already said you can’t.

These controlling men escalate. Once he has succeeded in isolating you from friends, he works on your family. He will make excuses and come up with stories on why you should see them less, and less, and less, until one day you wake up and realize it’s been years since you saw them. You did what he asked because you thought it meant you were showing him that you love him.

But no man that loves you will ever want to erase your support system.

I actually do understand him not wanting you to be around your ex. That is pretty normal, and not controlling. I don’t know the context of the conversations you have with him about that. But you would be hard pressed to find a man that wants you to spend more time with your ex. So I’m going to give him that one, and you may want to consider doing the same if you want to stay with him.

But friends or classmates? No. You are allowed to have friends sweetie. And having friends doesn’t mean you don’t love your man.

Which brings me to my next point. You actually use the words “I don’t love him.” For most people, this ends the conversation. You don’t need relationship advice, my friend. You need courage to do what your heart is telling you to do.

This is not one of those situations where you need help to make him miss you. And I have a feeling that if you asked him to leave your home, and entered the “No Contact” zone, you are one of the women that would be okay with that. You wouldn’t be checking your phone every five minutes, instead, you would be cringing every time you heard the text tone as you would be wondering if it was him bothering you again. The No Contact exercise would be easy for you. Because you don’t love him, and find many of his traits very stifling.

This alone should be all you need to know on what to do next. I don’t know your living situation, but if it is your house he is staying in, then it’s very easy to ask him to go. Ask for a little break, tell him you need a little space. That moving in after 6 months was a little fast and overwhelming for you. Tell him that in a month or so you two will talk and reassess. Give yourself that month of space, you’ll find it very liberating. You’ll be able to clear your head and think about this without having him poking over your shoulder every five minutes wondering who you are talking to.

If it is his house that you moved into, then take the time to do what you need to do to get a new place before you make the move. That’s just the smart and practical thing to do. Maybe you already have the funds to do so and can move right now. But if you don’t, start socking away a little bit at a time every time you get some income, until you have enough. Then, make your move. Or, if you can, move in with some parents or friends until you can get back on your feet again.

When you are telling him that this is your plan, do so in a public place. This is for your own safety. Tell him gently and with kindness that you need a little break, just to clear your head, and you are living somewhere else for a little while. Or that he is.  And when you leave that meeting, leave to go to your new home, or wherever you have set up for yourself.  Wait for him to leave the establishment, before you do. Jealous and controlling men have a way of following women that have just cut them loose. So don’t give him any of those opportunities.

I have a feeling that if you enter a 30 day no contact period with him, you will find much relief. Trust me, the last thing you want to do is marry a guy you don’t love. Because this marriage is doomed before it even begins. Marriage is a HUGE decision and should not be made just because someone makes you feel safe. You need to love everything about this person. Because if it ends, and my hunch is that it will within 5 to 7 years, then you are going to be dealing with a far bigger nightmare than you are dealing with now.

Spare yourself that grief now. One month of clarity time in the no contact period is worth saving yourself years of heartache down the road. And you will even find that once you are free of having someone over your shoulder every five minutes, you will feel more free to look for love in other places.

There is someone out there that loves you, or will love you fully and completely without asking you to give up a single thing for them. But cut a guy a break when he wants you to move on from an ex. That is healthy.  Any other kind of controlling or jealous behavior though is not. You deserve to live your life in freedom. When someone else is calling your shots, that is not freedom.

Get your free will back and take control of this situation.  Make him miss you by showing him you are a strong, independent woman who deserves to be treated better. Maybe he will kick his jealousy and controlling habits when he sees you really mean it. And maybe he won’t. But that’s his problem, not yours. Love your Self enough to let go, at least for a little while, just to see what life sends your way in those 30 days. And let us know how this goes!

Relationship Advice For Rebounders: The Breakup That Won’t Go Away

 

Ever have one of those relationships that just never went away? Of course you have, or you wouldn’t be here.  What I love about these relationships is that a chronic rebounder is one that actually does have a shot at standing the test of time.  I’m hopeful for all of you.  There’s a lot of push and pull going on here in these ones, but, clearly, something keeps bringing them back.  But in that push and pull period it’s very easy to feel like an elastic band that is wearing out, fast. We have a reader in this very confusing situation. She is seeking relationship advice for a guy that broke up with her, is possibly (likely) seeing someone else, but still keeping her on a string. Can she get her boyfriend back? Let’s have a look at Amrit’s story.

 So me and my boyfriend were together for 4 years and we had an amazing relationship. He loved me a lot and so did I and we would always talk about our future together and getting married one day. Recently just about 2 months ago he broke up with me because he did not want to date. By the way we are both in our senior year of high school right now. So only a week after we broke up he said he lost feelings for me which is ironic because he loved me so much for 4 years and it only took him a week to lose feelings?? Then another week after he said that he starts liking someone else and they both don’t want a relationship at the moment but they kiss and hangout a lot. I have not done no contact yet, I tried to but he always keeps calling me to ask how I’m doing and says he wants to be friends but says he will never get feelings for me again. It’s now been 1.5 months and i still love him a lot, I want him back I just don’t know whether I should give up or not. He shows so many signs that he likes me, he’s constantly calling, always flirty and touchy but then he says he doesn’t have feelings and doesn’t want me to have feelings for him. I’m really confused but for some reason I still have hope that we will get back together I just need some advice. Amrit.

 The first thing that jumps out at me with this one is age. I’m not judging it, but frankly, it is a factor. We have two young teens here, and this is a tough one. But we also have a four year history. High school sweethearts ARE a thing. But they can be a complicated thing. During the high school years our frontal lobes of the brain are not fully formed yet. This is the part of the brain that helps us make sound decisions, like an executive of a big company.  It helps us to see the consequences of our actions, and future plan so that we don’t make bad choices.

One of the reasons teenagers do a lot of silly things and get in trouble or find themselves confused in love is because their frontal lobe is simply not formed completely yet. So your executive function isn’t exactly in optimum condition. That’s not a bad thing. It just is what it is. We have all literally been there.

But when it comes to relationships, what teenagers DO have a lot of is rushing hormones and emotions.  This means most of your relationship decisions will be based on those two factors, instead of rational logic that the frontal lobe your brain provides. And this could give you some problems. So the first piece of relationship advice for sweet Amrit is to take a pause and think more, and feel less. You want to make decisions based on facts and logic, and not on what emotions are clouding your judgement.

The next relationship advice I would offer to Amrit is, if you want to know how to get your boyfriend back, check out this past article about dating mistakes. Are you making one of the Top 3 Dating Mistakes? It sounds like you might be.

You are making yourself too available, expecting too much, and not trusting your Self enough.

This guy is playing cat and mouse with you. He wants to have his cake, and eat it too. That’s not what you want. So you need to communicate this to him if you have not already. You are allowed to want what you want in love. He is allowed to want what he wants too.  He is not allowed to play with your heart.

You are a very smart young lady. You have already decided to launch the No Contact period. Congratulations!  But just because you did that does not mean that he will “get it” right away. Obviously he doesn’t get it as he has tried to contact you anyway.

Remember, the No Contact Period is not about what he needs or wants. It’s about you. It’s about you giving yourself the space to do some big thinking, and also clear your head. So what if he calls when you have made the choice to enter the No Contact zone? That’s on him, that’s not on you. Or at least, it’s not on you unless you pick up the phone.

So, don’t pick up! Send it to voicemail and let it sit there for 30 days.  Or just send him a quick text that sounds like this.

 “Thanks for calling, sorry I didn’t pick up. I just need some space right now, k?  I need to clear my head and really figure out what I want.  I need more, as in, a commitment.  I don’t know if that’s you.  So I just need a few weeks of me time, k? Talk soon.” 

He may or may not text or call back. If he does, leave it. Leave it again. And again, and again, until the 30 days is up. Then YOU choose what happens next. He’s not in the captain’s seat of your love life. YOU are. So what are you going to do next, Amrit? Readers, what would YOU do next?

Relationship Advice for Men: She Loves Me, or She Loves Me Not?

There’s literally nothing worse than pining for someone. And yes, we’ve all been there. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here! It’s a desolate, lonely feeling. And believe it or not, men feel it too! We have a letter from a reader who is going through just that, with a woman he met on, of all days, Valentine’s Day.  They met, had a push and pull period, and then bounced back to a moment where they fell in love, and *almost* lived happily ever after. Now, David needs relationship advice for men, and is wondering whether or not she even loved him at all! Our heart goes to you, David.  We’ve all been there.

Let’s have a look at David’s story.

Three years ago on February 14th I met a lovely woman at a client meeting for my work.  I am an architect and she is a mechanical engineer.  We exchanged information and discussed the project at hand over a few emails and then upon completion of the project didn’t speak for 18 months…So three years had gone by, her number lived in my phone and was never called or texted.  I went to an event and gave a presentation.  After I did spot her and walked over to say hello…..So this 46 year old architect found everything he always wanted in this 42 year old Mechanical Engineer.  It was the very best of everything.  Neither of us had loved nor found love like we shared together. It was truly amazing for us both and we planned a long future together.  We agreed to go slow, she would keep her place until the lease was up or until she was ready to move in….  She would finalize her divorce and we would grow and love together.  This went on for 4 months into August.

At that point she came to me and said she was having a tuff time.  As she explains it, she was having conflicting feelings of wanting and loving me and also wanting to be alone like she was when I met up with her in April.  She admitted she didn’t know why she felt this way but it nagged at her.  As much as she loved all of us she felt compelled to be alone more and more, this lead to her doubting if she truly loved me.  She began to doubt everything and as it unraveled she decided to end it.  At the same time she told me I was everything in the world for her.  Everything she ever wanted, the very best lover she had ever had.  She loved everything about US….  In the end she simply said, “I’m not ready…..I need to be alone. …She says she did fall in love with me but doesn’t love me and doesn’t ever think she will.  She says she doesn’t want anyone else and that I’m the very best man she has ever met.  If she can’t have me then could she have someone else?   She truly took my heart with her and nothing seems to make a difference.  I do want her back.  I do love her more than anything ever in this life.  I’ve tried to date but its completely pointless…. I honestly don’t know what to do.  David.

First let’s address the confusion, on her part.

This has been a relationship that is three years in the making. Even though you haven’t talked to each other every day for three years, you still have a three year history.  At one point during this three years, she told you that you were everything to her, that your relationship was everything to her, and that you were everything she ever wanted. Then she went cold shoulder.

If you want my opinion, she went more like “cold feet” than anything. This is a woman that sounds confused, and doesn’t truly believe she is ready for a relationship.  Clearly, you ARE everything that she wants. And that scares her!

Remember, David, this is a woman that has already been through a divorce. The closer you get to a deep commitment that is heading towards marriage, the more scared she is going to be. This is why I always caution women AND men to take it slow before marriage. Marriage is a legally binding situation, and MUCH more difficult to get out of, than it is to get into. Frankly, if you want my opinion, and I’m guessing since you wrote that you do, marriage should be harder to get INTO, and easier to get out of. For just the reasons you mention.

Divorce baggage is a serious thing, that has impacted over half the population already. MOST rational human beings have trepidations when it comes to deciding whether or not to take that step. And none of those trepidations are irrational, or have anything to do with how they feel about any ONE person. She could love you to the Moon and back, and still have reservations and fears about plunging into the legalities and contracts and commitments and responsibilities of marriage again.

And it sounds like she does love you to the Moon and back. But she’s been stung once, and doesn’t want to go there again. My guess is that her confusion has everything to do with divorce baggage, and nothing to do with you personally. She has as much told you so, by telling you she needs some space and some alone time.

Second, let’s answer your question about “someone else.”

If she’s being honest in the words she has told you, then no. She can’t have someone else.  And it doesn’t really sound like or look like she even wants someone else. I think she genuinely wants to be a lone, for a little bit.  I don’t know if she’s being dishonest with you. I do think she is very confused, or just needs to take a step back from her fears, and experience what having space looks like.

The first clue that it sounds like real love to me is your statement that you’ve tried to date again, and found it pointless. That’s a good sign. And my guess is that she feels the same.  Have a look at my article about the “On Again, Off Again” relationships. I want you to pay special importance to the section on how both people feel during the break up times. She is very likely going through the same things you are.

But she still needs space. I am not sure how much time has passed since you gave her that space, but if it’s been more than 30 days without contact, I would touch base with her again. Just a brief note, like you did when you contacted her on LinkedIn. Something casual and breezy that sends her the message that hey, she’s still on your mind!

Otherwise, there is not much relationship advice for men I could offer to those dealing with someone that just needs space. Give it to her. When she sees you respecting her and giving her what she wants, she feels safer with you, and this will intuitively draw her closer to you. Sounds like you have this one checked off already. So it may be time to touch base with her again. Let us know how it goes! Does she love you or does she love you not? I think she does. But you can’t blame her for being a little fear-based after she’s already been in divorce court. So be the safe space for her, and come back to tell us how that went. Readers, what do you think?

Dating Advice For The Soul Mate That Has Had Enough

Ever been in one of those relationships where it just felt like you were bouncing back and forth with each other, and your feelings? Of course you have. One of the reasons so many couples have a yo-yo relationship, for years, is the soul mate factor. I am no expert on soul mates but one thing I do know about love and relationships is that if you are having the same yo-yo effect in your relationship for years, there’s a high love potential there. This could even be soulmate level. Most relationships do not go on and on like this for years, unless there is SOMEthing keeping that string going on the yo-yo. We get questions from readers about this yo-yo experience all the time. The biggest relationship advice question they have is, “We broke up and what do I do now??”

Today we are going to look at just such a scenario. We have a couple who by all counts, over the course of three years, have told each other they are each other’s soul mate. They’ve broken up multiple times, and each time they find themselves kissing each other eventually. Our reader, Amy, has noted her problems in the relationships, and has owned her part.

That’s a standing ovation from me for that! Some people go their entire lives never figuring this out, that they need to own their part. So Amy has been doing her work on her since the last breakup. Now she wants to know what to do. Let’s have a look at this story.

Its been almost 2 weeks since my ex bf split with me. We were a bit hungover on a Sunday afternoon and I started to nag and annoy him which made him flip out dramatically and him scream “I can’t do this anymore” and leave the house. I fb messaged him the next day to say he was a coward to leave me like that no real explanation and he just confirmed again saying, I just can’t do it with you anymore. I told him he was nothing to me and since then I haven’t spoken to him since.  I’m trying to give him space and using the no contact rule. But I feel like I haven’t a clue what is happening, especially in his head.  A bit about us – We have been together for almost 3 years now, we are best friends we do everything together, and that’s because we both want to…He loves the bones off me, he’s the sweetest guy does anything and everything for me emotionally and physically. He is my soul mate the only person who gets me and I get him and he says this to me 24/7. However, the last half year or so I’ve been insecure about my weight, that I have gained, I’ve had no job, he has been paying for everything helping me. I suppose I’ve got a bit lazy with myself and everything and then of course the nagging.

Last 6 months or so he has broken up with me a few times over WhatsApp/text saying we need to go our separate ways he cant do it blablabla, finding an excuse, leaving me in tears and upset. Straight away I have told him not to and said sorry things will change blablabla. Of course, he comes over and sees me and him being the beautiful soul he is hugs me and stays and we carry on the relationship just like that. But nothing changes, I don’t change. But now I am. I am working on myself, eating healthily, exercising, I’ve lost several pounds already. I’m not drinking. I really can see now what I have done wrong and how I let the fun get sucked out of the relationship because when we are happy my god, we are happy!

What do I do? I want to fix this so bad! Apart from my nagging and moaning, everything was perfect! I am on my tenth day of contact but I think I need to apologise and let him know how I feel. He could just be thinking I am angry and don’t wanna speak to him? What do I do?

 Let’s address the first question: What is he thinking?

 The answer to that is, if he’s not telling you, it’s none of your business. The other answer to that is, you don’t need to know what he is thinking to fix this.  How your relationship functions is not a function of ONLY what he is thinking. You’ve taken some steps already, Amy, that show that you know this. You know you own your part in the split. I can’t congratulate you enough for that.

Never change your weight for a guy, period. But if you know that some nagging issues have led to this demise or breakup, then you know how to fix at least your role in this breakup. If you want to get your boyfriend back, the next step is the No Contact Rule.  You say, “I am trying to follow the No Contact Rule but it’s hard because I don’t know what’s in his head.”

Again, you don’t need to for the No Contact Rule to be successful. You will learn what he is thinking by activating the No Contact Zone immediately. But you have to stay true to it. You can’t just say you aren’t going to contact him, and then give up on your Self because he texted you. The No Contact Period is for YOU to clear your head and get your stuff together. You’ve already started this. But you can’t clear your head when you are answering his messages.

He’s already told you that you are his soul mate.  Those are some serious words! You have the advantage of having true love and experience on your side.  So you can’t make him miss you by being in his face all the time. And that’s what you really want at this stage of the game.

Let’s look at your second question: What do I do now??

 You’ve answered your own question. You know you need the No Contact Period, but you just have to get committed to it.  I talk a lot about How to Stay True to the No Contact Rule. Refresh your memory on that, and make the choice to be committed to it. You want to get your boyfriend back, right? So be as committed to the process, no matter how hard it is, as you are to him.  It is for the benefit of your relationship if he sees what it’s like to go 30 days without hearing back from you.

My guess is that it’s going to be very difficult for him to do this. And through that, you will make him miss you.

Once that 30 days is up, touch base with him about something super minor and breezy. Or just say hi. Make sure you let him know that you’ve been doing a lot of work on you in your quiet time. He will really admire you for that! After he responds, I am confident you can take it from there. Let us know how this goes, we are all rooting for you! Readers, what do you think Amy should do? Have you had a similar soul mate experience?

 

 

Dating Advice: What To Do AFTER the No Contact Period Makes Him Miss You

One of the hardest things about relationships is missing someone.  And, as you know, one of the most common pieces of dating advice or relationship advice that I have is, activate a No Contact Rule.  Why? Because it works. If there is only one tool that can make him miss you, it’s making him miss you. And the only way you can do that is through No Contact. That means zero. Zilch. None. Period. No matter how much he texts you or Facebook messages you or calls and leaves the pleading voicemails.

If he’s doing that, you have proof that you are winning in the “make him miss you” stage.  If he’s not contacting you, but you do have a history, he’s still thinking about you. That’s why the No Contact component of the Make Him Miss You mission is SO successful.  When you aren’t easy to get to, he wonders.  It’s human nature!

But that 30 day period of No Contact is really hard. I get it. While you are making him miss you, you are missing him. Dreadfully.  But what next? We have a reader who is doing very well with the No Contact rule, and just needs to know what to do when that is complete. We get this question all the time. So today I want you to see what happens when the No Contact Rule actually works. We have one reader who is about halfway through the process of the No Contact and the “Make Him Miss You” stage. The only relationship advice she needs at this point is, what next. So let’s have a look and see if we can help her out.

 I was dating a guy for a couple months. But the couple months were fast and intense. We went away for a weekend together by our fourth date. We had so much fun together, even the bartenders would come over and say they just enjoyed watching us together and listening to our conversations. It seemed like we had a real connection.  but things were early, we were both open about the fact that we were not exclusive (we were both dating another person). But it seemed like we were spending more time together and he told me he had a better connection with me. He took me to concerts, out on the town, and offered to take me to a patriots game. 3 days before the game, he texted me and told me he was so sorry but his dad was coming into town unexpectedly (from GA to MA) and he was going to have to take him instead. I was pissed but didn’t lash out. Just told him no, he couldn’t make it up to me. Good luck and have a nice life basically. I was pissed because as a nurse that works every other weekend, had to make a bunch of switches to go to the game and he knew that. I also assumed he would try to win me back instead of accepting the boot.

Then on Facebook (relationship killer, i know)  I saw that his dad tagged both the guy and another girl in thanking them for a great weekend. When I asked who the girl was, he explained it was the other girl he was seeing and no, he did not take her to the game in my place, he had taken her to the Red Sox and she met his dad with him for a few drinks. I unleashed. Totally went nuts and it went back and forth between, he didn’t want to see me, yes he did, I didn’t want to see him, yes I did. The convo ended with him buying tickets to a concert for us. Being embarrassed about how crazy I went, I ended up cancelling on the concert. I assume he took the other girl instead.

2 days of no contact, i sent him an apology text about how crazy I went and how sorry I am, and that I was just so stressed from court (with my ex) and I would hope he’d be up for getting a beer with me later in the week. I also said, I hope to hear back from you, but if not, good luck with everything and that I genuinely meant that. I didn’t hear back from him. That was now 6 days ago.

I deleted him from my Facebook and unfollowed him on Instagram because I didn’t want anything else popping up on my newsfeed. He still follows me on Instagram and snapchat so I’ve tried to keep my posts to a minimum.   I will continue the no contact rule, because 1- it’s the only way I’m going to make him miss me and 2- he may not want to hear from me anyway. but I feel like I need someone to tell me exactly how it is. Do I text him in a month to say hi? Or do I just leave it and lose one of the greatest connections I felt I’ve ever had?  Sincerely, Kristine

 Let’s all stop and give Kristine a big round of applause for making it this far in the No Contact Period. We know he still has feelings or he wouldn’t still be following you on social media. So there’s something here to work with. The next few weeks are the hardest, because you want to text him or call so badly, but are still in that zone.

What you’ve done right so far….

Don’t succumb to folding the No Contact Zone.  Kristine is being smart here about what she is posting on social media, so she doesn’t send any wrong or mixed messages to someone that she cares about very deeply.  She has owned her part in the relationship, and the relationship demise. She has apologized, and tried to move past it.

When it comes to fixing past mistakes, that’s all you can do. What he does with it from this point forward is on him, not you. So you’ve done everything, and by that I mean everything, right so far. You’ve been very clear in your intentions, as has he, and you two clearly know how to communicate to each other. It’s okay to get upset with him sometimes. That’s called being human. But you’ve both demonstrated your ability to be clear and real with each other. That’s a huge relationship accomplishment in itself! Thank you for serving as a good example to all women seeking dating or relationship advice in similar situations.

So that’s what you’ve done right. I am not going to take a leap and say you have done anything wrong, either. You have done everything right. So let’s have a look at your next question.

What do I do after the No Contact Zone?

The one thing to do after the No Contact period is up is to touch base. Once you are past the 30 day mark, you are out of the zone. You can feel free to contact him. Follow your heart here. I can give you a sample text to use, but I think you’ve got this one covered. Invite him for a drink if you are feeling bold and that is what your heart is telling you to do. Or just send a text that just says, “Hey, remember me? Been thinking about you and wondering how you’ve been.”

If you are feeling even more bold than that, bring up the commitment issue. What have you got to lose? Well, if he doesn’t want the same thing, you might lose him. For now. But after a month of you making him miss you, things may be different for him now. And if he doesn’t want the same thing, now you know you don’t need to waste more time on him. Thank him for the learning experience of an awesome connection, and move on to find the guy that will give you an even better one, a committed one.

But I have a hunch that this guy may surprise you. Check out our instructions on How to Get Your Ex Back AFTER the No Contact Period. See? Your question is more common and relatable than you think. Let us know what you decide to do, and how it goes for you! Readers, do you have anything to add to this relationship advice?

 

Relationship Advice For Combat PTSD, Divorce, Custody, and More, Oh My…

How do you make a relationship work with someone who has a LOT going on? Well if we could sell this in a bottle we would all be millionaires, is the cynical answer. But the truth is, the answer is easier than you think. Remember that relationships boil down to the keyword “relate.” When you master this concept in a relationship that has a LOT going on, you win in love. You BOTH do. We have a reader seeking relationship advice for someone that she is currently living with. She’s not looking for ways to make him miss her.  So the No Contact Rule is out of the question here. But she needs our help and support. Here’s Cassandra’s story.

My story is kinda like faiths. My ex boyfriend has combat PTSD. We have broke up once before. I moved to Florida to try and start a life with him twice now. I left everything in Alaska. This time we broke up because @ first it was he needed to focus on himself and getting his girls back. This was just after he refilled his claims with the VA and had to relive all the horrors again. He has been put on a generic for Zoloft.  His little girl’s mother is the reason we broke up the first time. She wanted him back and he felt that was the only way to guarantee he would be in his little girls life. It didn’t work and he wanted to give us a try again. It lasted 2 months and I know I had help in it. I kept asking him to label us a couple. Well that push the 3rd time lead to our breakup. I have since been thru his oldest daughter kimmy running away twice. His doctor appointments pretty much thru the thick and thin with him. His family has told me once he pushes a girl away they leave and he’s been thru being cheated on, and a domestic violence charge that an ex out on him that got dropped due to no evidence. I know heart wise he’s been hurt badly. We still cuddle at night and still live together. He’s kissed me 3 times recently. He doesn’t always text me, but when I text him hope ur having a good day @ class. He usually replied back. For some odd reason he invited me and his mom not once but twice the first time was to go visit his daughter in Colorado and the second was to move there with him. I was taken back and being I am kinda really guarded due to child abuse for one and trying to keep my heart from getting terribly hurt, I didn’t know how to reply or take it. He is a great guy he makes me laugh and helps me not to be so serious. The thing that worries me is like faiths story. Except he’s online on dating sites and transgender dating sites.  Looking and actually texting these people.  I want him back just like she did hers. Can you give me some pointers. His sister inlaw said to hang in there he’s never had a girl stick it out with him. Cassandra

Before we get to the relationship advice component of my response, let’s sum up what is going on in this relationship.  We can look at this from a pros and cons perspective, with the pros indicating the things you have going for you both, and the cons indicating your challenges.

PROS: What is going right in this relationship?

My answer to this one is, everything. Everything is going right…within the relationship. And that is the kicker. Unfortunately, this relationship has a lot of external variables, life stuff, that can make or break relationships. Clearly this relationship is on the brink of the make or break it point. So let’s make a list of all that is going well.

You both have history. And I’m not just talking about years and time. You’ve been through a LOT together. Most people don’t give up on someone that goes through something intense with them, something that could be life changing. And my bet is your man won’t either. He obviously needs you, and he knows he needs you.

So you have history, and you have many experiences that have bonded you to him, that nobody else has. Going through PTSD with a man is a life changing experience. For both of you. You may want to review our previous stories on that, When Your Man Has PTSD, or, my response to a reader when there’s a Mental Health Diagnosis in play. The number one thing that anyone suffering from a mental health diagnosis is a support team. You are already part of that team whether he has acknowledged you or not. Never giving up on them is your task number one. You’ve done a great job with that!

The other thing going well here is this unique family perspective. You’ve obviously bonded with him enough to develop family bonds.  His own family has even given you relationship advice! Listen to them. They know him better than anyone.

I understand you have been through a life that has destroyed your ability to trust in some ways. But you have made it this far, baby! I’m so sorry that you have experienced pain that has crushed your childhood heart. But you, and this man, have made it together in one piece. Keep on keeping on with him, and he will remember you and love you for years to come.

CONS: What is going wrong in this relationship?

What is going wrong with this relationship are events beyond your control. So you can’t try and fix them. He’s got medical concerns, insurance concerns, ex concerns, a LOT of ex concerns, children, custody matters, and you’ve hinted at some transgender issues.  You can’t control or change any of those matters. And you don’t want to, unless you want him to turf you for good. No man wants to be changed. EVERY man just wants to be accepted, and to realize and know that they are enough for their person.

Don’t we all?

What can you do about it?

So that’s really the only thing you can do right now. Just keep being there for him, learning more about his issues, and supporting him unconditionally no matter what.  His sister-in-law has given you some great relationship advice.  I’m intrigued by this, and this gives me hope for you.  He has learned the hard way, that women do not love him and accept him unconditionally.  If you are different than the rest, he will fall head over heels into the commitment zone with you, even deeper than he already has.  When you do that, I truly believe you will find some amazing miracles.

The other thing you want to do is to let go of fears in talking to him. If you feel comfortable, ask him about the transgender thing and the online texts in a kind and loving way. “I just want to know what’s up with that. Can you help me to understand and support you in that?” That may well open him up and encourage him to enlighten you on this part of his life. You DO deserve answers here, so don’t be afraid to ask. Just remember to accept him as he is no matter what. And then the two of you can decide what happens with your relationship from here.  We wish you all the best. And please do let us know if this relationship advice works! What do you think, readers? What would you do?

 

The Top 3 Dating Mistakes That You Are Making

What? Me? Making dating mistakes? What about HIM? He’s a hot mess!

Sound familiar? A little all too familiar. And I hear you, been there too.

But here’s the truth about dating.

There are two sides to every pancake ladies, and so if your relationship is less than ideal, that isn’t going to change until you take a look at your role in it. Until you know that you are doing absolutely everything in your power to make it the best dating life ever, then you play a role in the problems as well.

Now, that being said, doing everything in your power to work on your relationship…within reason, is the important takeaway from that first thought, but I will get to that. Today our dating advice is going to revolve around what you can do to change your relationship, or change your dating experience. We spend so much time wondering what HE’S doing, what HE could do better, what HE could change to make us happier, we spend far less time wondering what WE could do.

When was the last time that you asked yourself, “How can I make my dating life better?”

When you acknowledge that you have the control in your dating life, then your relationships automatically change for the better. But there is a very big difference between controlling your life, and controlling your men to the point that the words “stalker” and “restraining order” start surfacing into conversation. But sometimes women have a problem with that. I repeat, there is a very big difference between being in control of your LIFE, and being in control of your man.

On that note, let’s get right to it. Here are the top three dating mistakes that you are making right now, that you can also stop…right now. Let’s get to it.

1. Expecting too much. Now, this is a mistake that we all have made at one point in our dating world. But this mistake manifests itself in a number of different ways. From, visualizing yourself walking down the aisle with him when you are on your first date together, to, over reacting when he went out with the guys because he didn’t text you his whereabouts every 20 minutes. These are just examples. Here’s another one. “Dear Michelle, my boyfriend has been out of work for almost 2 years now and I know he is going to propose. How do I tell him I don’t want anything less than a 10 thousand dollar ring?”

Before I answer that question, let me preface my response by saying this is not an actual reader’s question, but I have heard this question from someone in my own life seeking my relationship advice very recently. My answer was, “You don’t. Unless you want him to break up with you.”

This is just one more example of expecting too much. When did we become such an entitled society that we leave all of the work up to the poor men of the world? They don’t owe us anything ladies. All they need to do is keep their promises. I repeat, all they owe us is kept promises. And, if they haven’t made those promises, even the act of expecting them to make them at some point in our dating life is asking too much of them.

Here’s the thing. If he wants to propose, or call when he says he will, or date you when he says he will, or take things to the next level, he will. But he won’t if he suspects that you expect this. Relationships only work when they work organically, and expecting too much too soon is going to leave you disappointed. Not only that, but you won’t even be able to blame him, because these expectations are all made by…..you.

Now, if he doesn’t call when he says he will, or doesn’t keep those promises, that’s a dating mistake that he is making. But this does not mean that you have the right to go postal on him. Which brings us to mistake number two.

2. Needing him too much. Let’s pretend for the sake of this argument that you have never heard, in a movie or otherwise, the phrase, “You complete me.” You know, and I may have even mentioned this here before, but I gotta say it again. I really hate that phrase when it comes to love because it has lead to so many problems for so many women and for so many reasons. How can you expect someone to fall in love with ALL of you when you are hoping they become a part of ALL of you. The point with this one is that it falls right into that category of placing too many expectations on him. Now you expect him to complete you? Really? No wonder he’s running! Who wants that pressure?

Come to him with ALL of you already in place. Or at least, as much as you can possibly muster. Needing him to sweep in and complete parts of you, that’s just not going to work and going to leave you very frustrated when he can’t fill those hefty shoes.

“Oh, that’s not me. Skip to number 3 please, that doesn’t apply at all!”

Really? Have you texted him or emailed him in the last 24 hour period, JUST so that you could hear back from him? JUST so that you could get some small reassurance that he still is thinking of you, caring for you, and you are still on his mind? And by that I mean, you had NO other reason to touch base, other than to receive your own small instant piece of gratification.

If you said yes to that, even silently in your head hoping nobody else heard, then you need him too much. Needing to hear from him just to know that he still likes you could be the biggest mistake you are making in dating right now. Because this mistake, when left unchecked, will fester and grow until it becomes something ugly. This is when you wind up leaving 20 voicemails on the same day getting more frantic each time because you haven’t heard from him.

Look at behavior like that and realize…those calls aren’t about him. They are about you, and your needs.

Hey listen, I am not trying to be the bad guy or get anybody to flush their phones and their texting, but these mistakes can not be corrected until you correct them. And needing him too much is a mistake.

Needing him period, that isn’t a mistake. You are allowed to need him. You can’t have a successful relationship if at some point you two do not realize that you both need each other. And so, together you both complete each other’s circles, and this way the need goes both ways. But, needing him to the point of excessive behavior is your second biggest mistake in your dating life. Nobody needs ANYBODY that badly. And the people that do, need help more than they need that text returned.

I’m not saying anyone is crazy. I too have made this mistake. We ALL have made this mistake. I get letters ALL the time about this mistake over, and over, and over again. Sometimes from the same women making the same mistake over, and over, and over again. Nobody is crazy here. We just need a little help knowing what we’re doing wrong, so that we can correct it.

So, as I say over, and over, and over again….ease off on the texting. The calling. The emailing. When you do that, watch him draw closer to you. It’s like magic. Just try it!

3. Not trusting enough. We need him too much, we expect too much of him, but when it comes to the one thing we SHOULD be doing in excess, we aren’t. And this kills love. Fast. Learning how to trust, and just giving in and letting go, is the best relationship advice you will ever get. That’s because it is also the toughest.

This is the one thing that we need to give MOST in our love lives, but it is also the one thing that we tend to give the LEAST. Why?

Because we’ve been schooled in love by the bad guys of the world. We’ve become bitter, cynical, sarcastic daters that almost believe there is no such thing as good guys anymore. Even if you have dated 20 bad apples last month alone, that doesn’t mean the next one that comes along will be too.

And maybe it will be. But you still need to give every guy you date the same fighting chance the last guy had. Even if you got burned. Why would you sell anyone short that didn’t deserve to be underestimated? What if he is The One? You will never find out if you are expecting him to fail and withholding trust because he doesn’t deserve it. Why judge every new guy you meet by the last guy you dated? How do you expect to become happy, ever, if you keep up this cycle?

Oh I know, between catfishers, players, gamers, cheaters, and all of the all around jerks of the world, it can be very tough to think that true love is even possible. But it is. Just remember, without true and authentic and unadulterated trust, it isn’t true love. If you can’t trust, you can’t love, it’s that simple.

Listen, I know it’s a gamble. Every time you have that new first date, you are throwing out the dice. I get that. I also get that you are tired and frustrated and convinced by the lack of good guy evidence in the world. But that doesn’t mean that the guy you are with now doesn’t deserve a fresh shot at it.

Have you found yourself questioning him for absolutely no reason? By “no reason” I mean, lack of evidence. I’m going to offer another example to illustrate this.

You have absolutely no evidence to suggest for example that he didn’t text you back all day yesterday because he was out with another woman, but that’s the first thing that pops into your head. In fact, it’s the only reasonable solution you can come up with because, well, you haven’t heard from him so he’s not offering you an alternative. And so, this thought bounces back and forth in your head and with every minute that passes without hearing from him this thought grows, and grows, and grows, and grows.

Until you do hear from him, just a simple text, “Hey, sorry, work got nuts yesterday.” And your response is, “Oh really? REALLY? Did you work like 23 hours or something yesterday? How long does it take to send a little text? It’s called common courtesy you know!”

All the while you are secretly relieved you did hear from him, even if it was just a hey. What you don’t know is that he’s picking up his phone, furrowing his brows and shaking your head at your text message, deleting it, and then complaining to the guys about how nuts you are because you flipped over one text message he didn’t have time to respond to.

How do you know he wasn’t trying to land a new client yesterday so that he COULD buy you that ten thousand dollar ring? You don’t. Anymore than you know that he was with another woman. And this is what I’m talking about when I say “evidence”. The only evidence you have with this example is that he was working, and couldn’t text you.

See how this example ties together….all of the above. And so I say to you, trust is the answer to all of these things, to correcting all of these mistakes. When you trust him, your expectations on him are realistic. When you trust him, you don’t “need” to hear from him every 30 seconds because you love him enough to give him the space to take care of the things he needs to take care of when he’s not with you. And when you trust him, he feels that, and if he is meant to be yours, he gives it back.

It is hard, and it is a gamble, and it may well be the hardest thing you do in life and love. But without it, love can not make the world go around my friends. Take down those walls, let go of the sarcasm and cynicism, stop judging him based on other people’s actions, and just….trust him. It’s okay. He’ll like it. I promise. And he will give as good as he gets.

When you are looking for relationship advice that you can actually use to change the way you date, check yourself for these three dating mistakes BEFORE you write in your questions. If you are making them it’s not too late to correct them. It never is. Put yourself in check and watch your dating life turn around. And even if you have still done that work, and still need a little bit of help, we love to hear from you. And don’t be so hard on yourself if you do make a mistake. You’re human. You’re allowed. And if he loves you, he knows that too. Until then, be loved!

How to Get Your Ex Back….When You Feel That Hope is Lost.

I know how difficult the holidays can be when you are missing someone like crazy. Been there. I also know that it is next to impossible to miss someone to the point of heartache during the holidays and be the only person feeling that. Always remember ladies that if you are missing someone like crazy, the chances are all better than not that they are feeling the same way, ESPECIALLY during the holidays. It’s just the way the laws of attraction and love work. The holidays are that one time of year when you remember traditions, people, and everything that is really important to you in life. So it can be a tough time, but you are not alone. This I know.

I get a lot of letters from women that feel this missing period is never going to end. They write in feeling like hope is lost, and asking for anything that can help them stop feeling this way, and feel better. I wouldn’t be here trying to help you with relationship advice and make him miss you if I thought hope was lost for any of you. I firmly believe that love is never lost, it is only ever replaced, but it can always find its way back again.

But I also know how normal it is to feel in that place where it truly does feel like there is no hope, that place where you almost consider moving on. It really stinks! But the truth is, moving on, in your own unique way, is what is absolutely necessary for that love to find its way back to you again. That’s why the No Contact Zone is so important.

The universe has given you a wake up call, angels closing doors as my grandmother would say. Something’s not working and it’s time for a time out. So take it!

It’s the best thing you can do for yourself. And your relationship. You deserve healing time and focusing on the wound is not going to help your case. At all. Ever. No man ever wants to keep hearing about how sorry you are and how you just want to explain to him one last time.

Even if you are the daughter of Mother Theresa and look like Jennifer Aniston, no man is ever going to take you back under those circumstances because the only purpose that serves is constant reminder of the pain. That he caused. He doesn’t want that reminder, he wants to remember you as a sweet girlfriend where things just didn’t work out and it was nobody’s fault.

Trust me, it sucks for him too. But you may be too busy sitting in your own pain and grief to have the fortitude to take the role of the other and just see his side for just a second. It’s hard, I know, I’ve been there. He may be a “man”, but despite the fact that he shows his feelings differently than you do, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them. You just don’t see them the same way you see yours, or your girlfriends. So that’s when you have to watch his reactions to you, especially those after the breakup, and mirror them. That is what you need to do to begin getting back into that sync with him.

When you are trying to get your boyfriend back, the first thing you want to do is whatever you can to fix the situation. But a nasty moment or conversation is probably the reason he broke up with you, so why would you remind him of that as much as you possibly can? What will the end result be?

Driving him away.

But when you make the choice to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find YOU again, you pull away from him just enough to get him to start noticing you are gone. That he isn’t the center of your world anymore. And that you are an awesome amazing person doing all of these awesome amazing things, without him. That’s when he starts to remember what an awesome amazing girlfriend you were too, and those seeds of attraction begin to kernel again.

If there is a true love there and the two of you were meant to be together, the love is never lost. It will always find its way back again. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve seen the prescription roll out for itself, and it’s even happened to me as well. Hope is never lost.

We have a reader who needs some encouragement in this area. Here’s what she has to say:

Hi Michelle,

This is going to be a long one, I hope you can bear with me as I’m in dire need of some good advice from someone who knows a thing or two about relationships, so far, the advice from my friends and relatives isn’t giving me a clear head to look towards the future.

I was with my boyfriend for two years, he was amazing to me in every way, we planned a future together and really loved each other, but there were some problems that kept us from going that extra step, from realizing out full potential as a couple. A little background, we are both 27 years old, we’ve known each other since we were in junior high, we dated when we were 12(junior high sweet hearts), we dated briefly when we were 18 again, and then reconnected when we were both 25 and had a better go at it that time around.

When we initially started dating I had recently gotten out of a 5 year relationship that left me with a lot of bitterness and sadness, I was just starting to pick myself up again when HE, the man I always wondered about came back in my life. It was amazing really, like all starts of a relationship I was filled with hope for the future and he seemed to be very serious about reconnecting and having a relationship with me, my only concern with him was his previous behaviour, having known him since we were 12 years old and dating him a couple times when we were younger, I know a lot about him to say he is unlike any guy I’ve met in a sense that he has a very unique way of handling relationships.

I knew that relationships are hard work, sometimes people fight, sometimes it’s harder to keep it together but when two people know what they want and love each other it can work. But this guy, this guy is different, he’s always gone through phases in his life when if he’s unhappy with his personal life he will neglect his relationship, or if things start to get too hard in a relationship or things aren’t going the way he hoped he will check out and emotionally shut down, i’ve experienced this first hand with him before, but I thought since time passed by and we were older and wiser, that it would be worth a shot with him. Having my own issues about my past relationship also did not make it any better, needless to say I took a chance and decided to try it out. It was great, everything I hoped for and more, but after things started going towards the end of the honey moon phase like all relationships and the arguments started, my own unresolved issues from past relationships came up, his own issues came up, and as soon as we knew it we were fighting over petty things. I broke up with him a couple of times, and he did the same, not really meaning it, but just to prove a point, so we would get back together after a couple of days and things would be good again, until something else came up. This was our cycle, and no matter what, we always fell into the same circle of arguments.

It reached a breaking point when he called me and told me it was over, at first I didn’t believe it, but when it finally sunk it all of the damage I had done to our relationship hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I had sabotaged the relationship by letting my unresolved issues from my past relationship keep me in a bitter state. I realized I wasn’t the same person he had fallen in love with. I regret my behaviour, and this time I have been given a new perspective into what it really means to make a relationship work.

When he broke up with me he told me several things that didn’t give me much hope.
1. Things have changed for him
2. He has been unhappy for a while and doesn’t want to force anything
3. Things don’t flow with us, our personalities don’t mix
4. He would like to be friends but he needs time
5. I didn’t make him feel good about himself
6. He thinks two years is enough time to try
7. He’s not in love with me anymore
8. I’m a great girl, but it’s not working

I asked him if he knew it could work between us if he would be with me,and he said of course he would, this is why I don’t understand why he would say he isn’t in love anymore.

After the break up I blamed everything on myself, I texted him pages and pages of apologies and of things I wouldve done differently. I did this for about two days. I left him alone for another two days then texted him again, but this time as if things were normal, friendly, and just asked him about his day, he replied we exchanged a couple of texts then I left him alone for another couple of days. I began to panic and then resumed to texting him my apologies and my regret for another two days after that. I sent another text a couple of days later telling him that I was going to leave him alone and respect his decision because he had told me that when I text him it makes things harder on him as well. After a few days I couldn’t stop thinking of why he hadn’t given me the benefit of seeing him in person so I texted him just to ask him if he would be willing to meet up with me to discuss some things, he replied saying “we’ll see, but please respect my decision.” After that we texted again, in a friendly manner after i initiated the conversation just asking about trivial things…he replied to my messages about every 40 minutes and we exchanged a few texts. After this I have cut down on the times I’ve texted but still messaged him about once a week to see if he’s free to meet up, every time he will only reply with what he’s doing that week and that he’s busy. He hasn’t told me to move on, he hasn’t flat out told me leave him alone…I decided I will try no contact for good this time for at least a month. I’m getting frustrated thta he hasn’t even been able to give me a face to face to tell him so much of what I wanted to tell him. It’s been 6 weeks since the break up and I think after 2 years it’s the least I deserve. I‘m contemplating writing him a letter because there is so much I need to explain to him about what went wrong and how I see thins now. It hurts so much not being able to tell him or see him….I’m stuck in limbo and hoping the NC will still work and I haven’t done too much damage.

Once again I’ve highlighted what I think are the most important sections of the letter, the ones that speak volumes about what should happen next. Dear Reader, put down the cell phone immediately. Put it in the freezer if you have to. Do not send one more text.

You are doing exactly what I just mentioned above is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. You are reminding him of the pain over and over again to get your own ease of guilt from this situation, and you aren’t making him miss you at all. In fact, he’s even out right told you that hearing from you is painful, and yet you keep doing it.

What does that do? It sends the message to him that what he needs isn’t as important as what you need. I know that sucks to hear, but we’ve all done it, so don’t feel like I’m singling you out. If this wasn’t a problem global to the female human race I wouldn’t even print the letter. I would go find a letter that was. We have ALL been the Operations Commander of the text wars, no question about it. But as you know, that is not getting him closer to you, so why would you even consider that? Or better yet, a letter that is carefully written that will be written proof to him for years to come of all of the mistakes that you made in the relationship?

Don’t do it. He gets it. He is not blameless here. If you are taking ownership of all of your stuff, then he is sitting there trying to find a way not to have to take ownership of his stuff too. And that place is not the one that is going to have him crawling back to you. You need to make him miss you to achieve that goal. But as I have said it time and time again, he can’t miss you if he keeps hearing from you.

But you, definitely are not in the hope is lost category. You gave me about 15 different reasons for that in your own letter. You haven’t been dating him for 2 years either by the way. By my calculations it looks closer to 15. Okay give or take some breaks and some coming back togethers, three times already, but this has been going on for 15 years. That is some solid history.

But, getting him back is not going to be helped by reminding him about pain. Reminding him about the good history you have will help, you just can’t do it right away. You NEED to take at LEAST a 30 day No Contact Period, my recommendation is 60 though. Or maybe squeeze it out 45. Can we do No Contact until Valentine’s Day? Then surprise him with something sweet and flirty on Valentine’s Day and take it from there?

I think if you can spend some time on you for a while, do the things you like to do when you are single, and the time will fly. It will be a fun thing to look forward to, and it will definitely make him start to wonder what you’ve been up to. Then he will hear from you after a while, see this sweet, sexy Valentiney thing in his email one day, and he will begin to remember the awesome. Trust me. This is precisely how I landed the sweet gem I am with right now. But it’s not even been close to 15 years for us, so you have a serious advantage here.

Also remember, the two of you together have created the history that you CAN get back together. You already have proven, at least twice by my count, that you keep coming back to each other. There’s a reason for that. And yes you should explore it. But, it’s been 15 years. 45 days of salon time and yoga classes and shopping for a new wardrobe to pick you up isn’t going to suck, is it?

You definitely should not feel like hope is lost. You can get your ex boyfriend back, if you make him miss you. Put down the phone, do not send a letter, do nothing until some serious time has passed. It won’t be easy. Keep writing in and we will help support you through this.

I’ve got a good feeling about this okay, so please do keep us posted! Readers! Did I miss anything? Drop your comments in the box below and let’s help our friend get through this tough time. Always remember dear Readers, no matter how sad things may seem right now, everything is only for a season. Hope your holiday season is beautiful, and bright! Until next year friends : )