What to Do When the Relationship is On Again Off Again?

If relationships were cut and dry and black and white then what the world needs now wouldn’t be love, sweet love.  If they were like this, all of the love that is in the world would be exactly where it should be, when it is supposed to be there.  But the truth is that the human variable complicates matters greatly.  Today we are going to touch on that ever elusive concept of….mixed signals.

Anyone that has ever broken up with someone knows just how complicated relationships are.  Even the most cut and dry breakups are anything but.  Complicated, complex, deceiving, and very frustrating.  When breakups happen, a host of feelings are still there.  Just because you broke up with someone, or someone broke up with you, does not make those feelings go away.  Like many elements and molecules in life, love can not be created or destroyed.  It is just there, waiting to be tapped into.

So when a break happens, or a split, breakup, separation, whatever you want to call it, you still have those feelings, you are just sort of in this place where you’re not really supposed to have them anymore.

And guess what?  The other person has them too.

Even so, something happened where you are in this space.

This is exactly why I keep referring to the No Contact Rule.  This period fresh from a breakup is when women, and men too, get so easily caught up in those emotions that never went away after the breakup.  Having the No Contact Zone will take a lot of confusion out, AND eliminate any possibility of a mixed signal.

The situation of mixed signals was addressed by one of our readers, who asks, how do I get him back while he is still in contact with me.  Here’s what she says:

Hey Michelle 🙂

First of all, I like your posts very much!

But I’ve got an important question: My boyfriend and me we ( I’m sorry I don’t know the English word) decided to have a break ( but didn’t really break up) we just needed some time and space. The problem is, since then we never got to make up again. We both know, that we still love each other. And when we meet or talk it’s just like we’re  a couple again but we aren’t. It’s always an off-and-on. Sometimes we have much contact and call and write ( or meet) us every day, and sometimes we don’t hear from each other for 2 weeks.

And that have been the situation for 9 months.

So now I wanted to ask you, what would you do next? I really love him and want him back!
But officially and for more than just some weeks.

I hope you can help me.

There is much more here than meets the eye at first.  For starters, let’s deal with the breakup.  You are calling it a break, and that’s okay.  We all do what we need to do when we need to do it to get over the pain.  However, you are not being 100% honest with yourself here.  You discuss this relationship as if it is still an active relationship and that you are still a couple.  Sit down for a minute while I help you work this out.

Here’s one thing you need to know right now.

You aren’t still a couple.  Real couples don’t go for weeks without speaking to each other, for a period of nine months.  I can’t help but wonder, WHY are you letting this drag out?  You have just given nine months of your life waiting for a guy that may never come back to you.  I know that hurts to hear, but it is the truth.  You are not on a break, you have broken up, and he is obviously a nice enough guy to stay in touch with you.  Why? He had feelings for you once.  But if you were The One, he would have gotten back together with you before now.

Here’s what I think is happening. 

He is stringing you along just in case he feels at some point that he made a bad decision breaking up with you, and he has you to fall back on.  You say that you still love each other, but has he actually told you this?

If you want a man in your life, officially, and for more than just a few weeks, you have to ask for that by teaching people how to treat you.  What would I do in this case?

Here’s what I would do.

Kick the No Contact Zone into full gear, but do not do so without explaining to him why.  The reason for this is that you can’t just cut him off now after having taught him that it is okay to stay in touch with you. So, touch base with him, and then YOU break it off with HIM.  That’s right, it sounds like it is a clean break, because it is.  But you transfer the power from him who is currently calling all of the shots, to YOU calling all of the shots.

You just need to explain to him what you want.  You want him back for good and officially, or you don’t want him at all.  Then, you go into the No Contact Zone for 30 days, do not email, call, text, or even look at him on Facebook.  Clean Break.

This gives him a chance to miss you.  You haven’t given him that chance yet.  Only when a man is truly given this opportunity to miss you, will he decide for himself whether or not you are truly the one he wants to be with. He can’t do that if you are always contacting him, even if the contact is good.  Cut him off, breakup with him, and go your separate ways, and see the magic work for yourself.

Good luck, and keep us posted! Readers, if you have any advice or tips that I haven’t covered for this dear reader, drop ‘em in the comments!

Also, I invite you to check out my best relationship tips for women


  1. Melanie says

    hi and thanks. i know all about on and off again. UGH.
    now i’m searching for a longer term relationship.
    thanks a ton
    – Mel

  2. Hailey says

    No I’m not a man but I am answering aaynwy. You say and in love is that you or both of you? This is the main thing that will decide if he’ll leave you though not necessarily back to her Second is do they have children there is more drive to work it out when there are children involved. He is still in love with his wifeHe is needy and can’t survive without the wife taking care of him.Even with some of those he may never want to go back because of the time that has passed or he may be happier in a new relationship. My ex-husband tried for about 2 years to get me back even through a live in girlfriend. We had no children but we still got along. We had just grown apart and I didn’t love him anymore. He wasn’t happy with the girlfriend and after the split he realized that he had done alot wrong in our relationship and thought it could be fixed. The thing was as soon as he met his new wife he stopped bugging me. We can now talk and it’s not wierd or strained. Only you know your boyfriend if you feel he is happy with you and doesn’t want to go back then it’s very doubtful that he will leave you to go back to her even if she wants him back.


  1. […] rather then just hearing "Oh you two will get back together, dont worry!"…serious relationship questions like marriage, kids, future plans?admin answers:Marriage-I […]