Today we are going to talk about toxic relationships. I am sure that if you thought back on the history that is your dating repertoire, you would remember experiencing at least one. You have heard me talk as well about one or two of my own.
As you know, I have a very low tolerance for these, as should you. Sometimes women want to get him back or make him miss you even when the experience has been nothing but toxic.
That makes me sad.
In my ideal perfect world every woman would know her own personal worth, and teach the men in their lives how to treat them. Sadly though, that doesn’t happen because relationships are complicated. They increase our self worth when they are good ones. And when they are bad ones, we think clinging to them will keep that self worth going, but it won’t. It trashes your self esteem faster than you can even say self esteem.
Before you can decide how to get out of a toxic relationship, or if you should, you need to realize what a toxic relationship is. It is exactly what it sounds like, poison to your soul. I like to think of toxic relationships as the cancerous tumors on our self esteem. You have to cut out those lesions in order to truly feel like a valuable and healthy whole person.
When a relationship is making you feel bad, there is a good chance that it may be toxic.
See, after we have been with someone for a long period of time, we forget one very simple rule about relationships. They are supposed to make us feel good. They are supposed to make our lives better, and more fulfilled. They are NOT supposed to make us question everything about ourselves, and spend nights agonizing over what we have done wrong to have someone treat us so poorly.
If and when you enter that stage, or if any of this resonates with you, my guess is that you are in a toxic relationship. Today we are going to refer to one of our readers to help you cut out those cancerous lesions in your life. Her experience is, sadly, probably very familiar to many of you right now.
Here’s what she has to say (I have highlighted in bold the most important things that I see in this message):
Please note, this reader letter is rated PG13.
I cannot afford to pay and sit in a psychologist office, because I am single struggling mother and I work part-time 2 jobs. Not to say, I attended a prestigious College, was a B student and received a bachelors in visual arts and I studied women’s studies. But I need your help.
I am going through a hard relationship and it always brings me to tears. Even as I type this to you, the tears roll down my cheeks. I am involved with a man with a brain of a boy!
He is 31 and I am 35. I don’t know if ethnicity plays a part but he is black and hispanic and I am american-asian (not asian-american) and white. There is not that much of an age difference between us. His name is J____, he does not feel that it is important to tell me about himself. The one time he brought me to his house (once) I had to do some snooping around to find out his last name and I found some information about him on the internet. He is selfish, thinks that it is all about him.
As many times I try to talk some sense into him I break down and cry. He uses women and has multiple partners at once. He has caught me in his web and probably the most valuable person in his life. He only wants oral sex from me and not give me anything in return.
We do not even have sex. He tells me if I want it, I have to pay for a hotel. Everything happens in the car what I do to him. It would be fine, if he wasn’t screwing other chicks. He says that we don’t have a relationship nor a friendship. He doesn’t even want to hang out or do anything.
He just thinks cause he puts a condom on he is 100% safe from all diseases. I tried to make him understand, if sex was just between us with that being the only commitment I would not have a problem.
Last night he called me a “slut.” I was very upset and I made him understand, that is not me. I have a positive reputation to protect, self-love and most of all self-respect. I also, explained to him that I was not a perfect angel 10 years ago. I once walked in his shoes. I made him understand that is the “slut” and he did not have anything to say after that.
He has said some pretty disrespectful things to me. I would lose all respect (the little that I have from him) if I ever spoke to him the way that he spoke to me. He had said to me “You’re ugly and fat.” He doesn’t care or know how to care. He doesn’t have any feelings or anything. Doc, I have lost 30 pounds, from 230. I am not done losing this extra weight. I need to loose another 50. I wanted to do change my life for myself, my son and him. I wanted to be seen and treated differently. Most of all love the person that I used to be 20 years ago. I retaliated and told him that he isn’t a prize himself. We have both lied to each other, but the way he has treated me and used me does not compare to what he has done to me.
He even told me if I didn’t like the situation, I should leave. I really thought about it for a long, long time. He always tells me that he doesn’t need me. Recently, he even left me for a while because he said he “doesn’t need me.” Three weeks later he calls me, no less on Valentines day! What nerve, to say that and then come back. I resisted to call him back for 2 days. The truth how I see it, that he does. He and I both know that in the long run, he will not have anyone.
What it comes down to, is that I care about him. I do not even know how could I love a scumbag like him. I am strong enough to not take him for face value and always put up a fight. I think that what makes him stay. Any other girl would just let him win. While he just rather walk away. If I stay with him any longer, this coming August will be 2 years of this bullsh*t!
How to I make him see, love and let him know what he has? If I didn’t think I could help the man I love, I would of left after the first couple of meetings.
I do not believe that walking away indefinitely is the answer. Please help me, help him, help us.
This is without question a toxic relationship.
I will say it is not the worst I have seen, but it is pretty bad. Here is a guy treating a woman like absolute garbage, and she is wondering, “How do I make him love me?”
Here’s the truth, you can’t.
You can’t make anybody love you. I believe there is a very sad Bonny Raitt song about it, “I can’t make you love me, if you won’t.” You can control nobody’s choices but your own. Let’s start at the top of your note though, where I have highlighted.
1. “I need to protect my reputation and self respect.”
I have news for you honey, by staying with a man that is damaging both of those things, you are not protecting your reputation. I am not saying that to be cold or cruel, but to show you the cold hard facts. He is ruining both of those things, and so far, you are letting him. By getting away from this man, you will begin to restore both of your reputation and self respect. You are a mother, right? Your child is going to use you as an example as to what kind of relationships to have in the future. If you stay in a toxic one, guess what kind they are going to use as an example when they wonder what love is all about. That’s right. By serving as an example to your child as to what you will and will not accept in your life, you continue on that course of preserving your reputation and self respect.
2. “He would lose respect for me if I spoke to him the same way he speaks to me.”
Another newsflash, he already has. He doesn’t respect you, and my guess is, he may never respect you because he is too busy loving himself more. I applaud you for not giving it back to him, but you can give it back to him without being mean. By breaking up with him for good. The things you are telling me that he has said to you I wouldn’t even say to my dog. Okay, I will confess that I do call my furbaby a little Chubber Wubber on occasion, but I always finish that by saying that just means there is more of him to love. Nobody should be calling you fat. Ever. I have a child as well, and in our house, the word “fat” is on the list of potty mouth words. It is a mean, demeaning word that has no respect in it. None whatsoever. There is never a situation where you can use this word and look like the good guy. The dude needs to GO.
3. “He even told me to leave if I didn’t like it.”
Any guy that doesn’t have the cahonas to fight for his woman, has no respect for himself either. Take him up on it, thank him for the advice, and hit the curb running.
4. “Any other girl would let him win.”
That’s true, any other girl with no self respect would. But why should you be the one to take his hits? You shouldn’t.
Another newsflash. Any woman that has an ounce of respect for herself and for her child would NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN.
I have to say, you are wrong about this.
Very few women would let him win in the way that you have. You need to correct those errors, and start showing him that you know your worth, even if he doesn’t.
You conclude by saying you do not believe that walking away is the answer. What you are saying with that statement is that you like to be treated like this, and you want it to continue. But, you wouldn’t have written in if that were the case.
I repeat, you can not make him love you.
You can not make him respect you, IF you keep allowing yourself to be disrespected. He will EARN respect for you when he sees you standing in your truth, and cutting out the cancer.
Once he starts respecting you again, he may begin loving you again. But right now, it’s not about loving you, it’s about making sure you stay with him and continue to allow him to treat you this way. Run do not walk away from this man. You have called him a scumbag yourself.
This is not love.
This is pain, and you know what you have to do to make that pain go away.
About the Author
Christine Clark is just a normal gal like you who, when she was losing her man, decided to do something about it. She made it her mission to read everything from all the so-called experts (mostly written by men), try all the techniques, and come up with a better way, the step-by-step plan for getting him back.
She developed a program that can help you get your guy back – the right way – for good. It is based becoming your best – the real you — and turning the tables to make him miss you so much that he has to have you back in his life. If right now that seems impossible, know that it is not. Just check out her guide to learn how.