How to Get Out of a Toxic Relationship

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Today we are going to talk about toxic relationships.  I am sure that if you thought back on the history that is your dating repertoire, you would remember experiencing at least one.  You have heard me talk as well about one or two of my own.

As you know, I have a very low tolerance for these, as should you.  Sometimes women want to get him back or make him miss you even when the experience has been nothing but toxic.

That makes me sad.

In my ideal perfect world every woman would know her own personal worth, and teach the men in their lives how to treat them. Sadly though, that doesn’t happen because relationships are complicated.  They increase our self worth when they are good ones.  And when they are bad ones, we think clinging to them will keep that self worth going, but it won’t.  It trashes your self esteem faster than you can even say self esteem.

Before you can decide how to get out of a toxic relationship, or if you should, you need to realize what a toxic relationship is.  It is exactly what it sounds like, poison to your soul.  I like to think of toxic relationships as the cancerous tumors on our self esteem.  You have to cut out those lesions in order to truly feel like a valuable and healthy whole person.

When a relationship is making you feel bad, there is a good chance that it may be toxic.

See, after we have been with someone for a long period of time, we forget one very simple rule about relationships.  They are supposed to make us feel good.  They are supposed to make our lives better, and more fulfilled.  They are NOT supposed to make us question everything about ourselves, and spend nights agonizing over what we have done wrong to have someone treat us so poorly.

If and when you enter that stage, or if any of this resonates with you, my guess is that you are in a toxic relationship.   Today we are going to refer to one of our readers to help you cut out those cancerous lesions in your life.  Her experience is, sadly, probably very familiar to many of you right now.

Here’s what she has to say (I have highlighted in bold the most important things that I see in this message):

Please note, this reader letter is rated PG13.

I cannot afford to pay and sit in a psychologist office, because I am single struggling mother and I work part-time 2 jobs. Not to say, I attended a prestigious College, was a B student and received a bachelors in visual arts and I studied women’s studies. But I need your help.

I am going through a hard relationship and it always brings me to tears. Even as I type this to you, the tears roll down my cheeks. I am involved with a man with a brain of a boy!

He is 31 and I am 35. I don’t know if ethnicity plays a part but he is black and hispanic and I am american-asian (not asian-american) and white. There is not that much of an age difference between us. His name is J____, he does not feel that it is important to tell me about himself. The one time he brought me to his house (once) I had to do some snooping around to find out his last name and I found some information about him on the internet. He is selfish, thinks that it is all about him.

As many times I try to talk some sense into him I break down and cry. He uses women and has multiple partners at once. He has caught me in his web and probably the most valuable person in his life. He only wants oral sex from me and not give me anything in return.

We do not even have sex. He tells me if I want it, I have to pay for a hotel. Everything happens in the car what I do to him. It would be fine, if he wasn’t screwing other chicks. He says that we don’t have a relationship nor a friendship. He doesn’t even want to hang out or do anything.

He just thinks cause he puts a condom on he is 100% safe from all diseases.  I tried to make him understand, if sex was just between us with that being the only commitment I would not have a problem.

Last night he called me a “slut.” I was very upset and I made him understand, that is not me. I have a positive reputation to protect, self-love and most of all self-respect. I also, explained to him that I was not a perfect angel 10 years ago. I once walked in his shoes. I made him understand that is the “slut” and he did not have anything to say after that.

He has said some pretty disrespectful things to me. I would lose all respect (the little that I have from him) if I ever spoke to him the way that he spoke to me. He had said to me “You’re ugly and fat.” He doesn’t care or know how to care. He doesn’t have any feelings or anything. Doc, I have lost 30 pounds, from 230. I am not done losing this extra weight. I need to loose another 50. I wanted to do change my life for myself, my son and him. I wanted to be seen and treated differently. Most of all love the person that I used to be 20 years ago. I retaliated and told him that he isn’t a prize himself. We have both lied to each other, but the way he has treated me and used me does not compare to what he has done to me.

He even told me if I didn’t like the situation, I should leave. I really thought about it for a long, long time. He always tells me that he doesn’t need me. Recently, he even left me for a while because he said he “doesn’t need me.” Three weeks later he calls me, no less on Valentines day! What nerve, to say that and then come back. I resisted to call him back for 2 days. The truth how I see it, that he does. He and I both know that in the long run, he will not have anyone.

What it comes down to, is that I care about him. I do not even know how could I love a scumbag like him. I am strong enough to not take him for face value and always put up a fight. I think that what makes him stay. Any other girl would just let him win. While he just rather walk away. If I stay with him any longer, this coming August will be 2 years of this bullsh*t!

How to I make him see, love and let him know what he has? If I didn’t think I could help the man I love, I would of left after the first couple of meetings.

I do not believe that walking away indefinitely is the answer. Please help me, help him, help us.

This is without question a toxic relationship. 

I will say it is not the worst I have seen, but it is pretty bad.  Here is a guy treating a woman like absolute garbage, and she is wondering, “How do I make him love me?”

Here’s the truth, you can’t. 

You can’t make anybody love you.  I believe there is a very sad Bonny Raitt song about it, “I can’t make you love me, if you won’t.”  You can control nobody’s choices but your own.  Let’s start at the top of your note though, where I have highlighted.

1.   “I need to protect my reputation and self respect.”

I have news for you honey, by staying with a man that is damaging both of those things, you are not protecting your reputation.  I am not saying that to be cold or cruel, but to show you the cold hard facts.  He is ruining both of those things, and so far, you are letting him.  By getting away from this man, you will begin to restore both of your reputation and self respect.  You are a mother, right?  Your child is going to use you as an example as to what kind of relationships to have in the future.  If you stay in a toxic one, guess what kind they are going to use as an example when they wonder what love is all about.  That’s right.  By serving as an example to your child as to what you will and will not accept in your life, you continue on that course of preserving your reputation and self respect.

2. “He would lose respect for me if I spoke to him the same way he speaks to me.”

Another newsflash, he already has.  He doesn’t respect you, and my guess is, he may never respect you because he is too busy loving himself more.  I applaud you for not giving it back to him, but you can give it back to him without being mean.  By breaking up with him for good.  The things you are telling me that he has said to you I wouldn’t even say to my dog.  Okay, I will confess that I do call my furbaby a little Chubber Wubber on occasion, but I always finish that by saying that just means there is more of him to love.  Nobody should be calling you fat. Ever.  I have a child as well, and in our house, the word “fat” is on the list of potty mouth words.  It is a mean, demeaning word that has no respect in it.  None whatsoever.  There is never a situation where you can use this word and look like the good guy.  The dude needs to GO.

3. “He even told me to leave if I didn’t like it.”

Any guy that doesn’t have the cahonas to fight for his woman, has no respect for himself either.  Take him up on it, thank him for the advice, and hit the curb running.

4.  “Any other girl would let him win.”

That’s true, any other girl with no self respect would.  But why should you be the one to take his hits?  You shouldn’t.

Another newsflash.  Any woman that has an ounce of respect for herself and for her child would NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN.

I have to say, you are wrong about this.

Very few women would let him win in the way that you have.  You need to correct those errors, and start showing him that you know your worth, even if he doesn’t.

You conclude by saying you do not believe that walking away is the answer.  What you are saying with that statement is that you like to be treated like this, and you want it to continue.  But, you wouldn’t have written in if that were the case.

I repeat, you can not make him love you. 

You can not make him respect you, IF you keep allowing yourself to be disrespected.  He will EARN respect for you when he sees you standing in your truth, and cutting out the cancer.

Once he starts respecting you again, he may begin loving you again.  But right now, it’s not about loving you, it’s about making sure you stay with him and continue to allow him to treat you this way. Run do not walk away from this man. You have called him a scumbag yourself.

This is not love. 

This is pain, and you know what you have to do to make that pain go away.

About the Author

Christine Clark is just a normal gal like you who, when she was losing her man, decided to do something about it. She made it her mission to read everything from all the so-called experts (mostly written by men), try all the techniques, and come up with a better way, the step-by-step plan for getting him back.

She developed a program that can help you get your guy back – the right way – for good.  It is based becoming your best — the real you — and turning the tables to make him miss you so much that he has to have you back in his life.  If right now that seems impossible, know that it is not. Just check out her guide to learn how.

How to Stay True to the No Contact Rule

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You hear me talk about the No Contact Rule a lot.  And there’s a reason for that.  It’s JUST that important.  I am not deluded into thinking however that it is easy, I know that it’s not.

Been there, done that, have a few T shirts over it that I never want to see again.  Probably the only thing harder than the breakup itself is that period afterwards when you have a million things over-analyzing in your head that make you think, if I could just TALK to him one more time I will feel better.

You won’t. You will feel worse.

Because you will go in with the expectation that things WILL get better, and they won’t.  Breakups happen for a reason.  But if you truly are serious about learning how to get him back, you HAVE to stay true to the No Contact Zone.  So today we are going to talk about ways that make that a little easier for you.

The painful aspect of breakups comes with the loss.  In fact it is very similar to the grieving period, because something HAS died.  The relationship has.  Yes, sometimes you can make him miss you and get him back, but that isn’t going to happen if you keep talking to him.  Even if it seems that he is yo-yoing a little bit back and forth with you.

Remember that the key to this website and all of the information presented is to help you find the best relationship possible.  The focus is learning how to make him miss you, AND get him back more committed and loving than he ever was before.  I will say it again, you can’t make him miss you if you are talking to him, or trying to.

We have a reader that knows what needs to be done – follow the No Contact Rule, but is just having a very hard time doing it. My heart goes out, and yours will too.  Here’s what she says:

I loved this man from the first day I saw him about 6 years ago. I never felt that way about anyone ever; so this has been difficult for me. We started as friends first and both saw each other through divorces. We began to see each other intimately after that. We loved the same things and did everything together. I trusted him wholly and we seemed to be headed down a good path.

Well, I knew I loved him and he always professed his love for me but always said he needed to take his time before getting into a heavy relationship again. He always said he wanted me to be his wife but give him some time. In fact, he said that statistics show that about 1-2 years after his divorce and about a year after my divorce that we would be ready to start a heavy relationship and pursue marriage. He was divorced about 2.5 years ago and I was divorced about 1.5 years ago.

He asked me to be his girlfriend officially. It was great until I innocently went to pull up my e-mail and his popped up on our computer. He had met a lady on Plenty of Fish back in August 2010 and started an intimate relationship with her about the same time we began our official dating and before he moved in. I found out on April 17, 2011.

I was devastated.

I showed him the e-mail and asked that he move out but he refused to leave because he was leaving her anyway. He asked that I forgive him and we would move forward because it was a mistake on his part. Well, it took about 3 months for me to talk with him amicably again.

I asked 3 things of him if we were to try again, 1. We both be tested for everything! Done. I asked that he cease contact with her. 2. I checked our phone logs periodically and he still talked to her up until this month in 2012 sporadically. 3. attend couples’ counseling. Not done.

I asked him to leave on July 29, 2011. He did and removed my ability to check our phone logs, so he thought.

I already know the answer to what needs to be done. He is not for me; I have to get away. But why is it so hard?

We had so much fun together, he was affectionate and thoughtful and everyone thought we were the perfect couple. I need to break free in my heart from him but how. He still pops up at my home and I let him. He still spends nights with me. He says he loves me and he has been trying hard to do what I ask of him. Truth is he doesn’t answer his phone for hours when he goes to his home or is out and I just don’t trust him. I need to let him go. How do I let my best friend and lover go?

I am torn but it is best for both of us.I am sad about this everyday but I know there is someone better for me. He tells me that no one will ever love and care for me the way he does. I am terrified of finding out this may be true but it has been too difficult to move forward with him because the trust was destroyed.

Please help me.

First of all, I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Second of all, my hearty congratulations to you for teaching him that you will not put up with this kind of behavior.  As well, congratulations on laying down some serious ground rules before you even entertained the thought of giving this relationship another chance.

Readers, take some lessons from this!  THIS is almost exactly how it’s done.

I say almost, because you slipped a bit there in terms of the No Contact Zone, but hey, it’s easy to do. Sooooooo easy.  The good news?  You know what you need to do.

The not so good news?

Your last few sentences really concerned me.  I fear he may be manipulating you for his own gain.  Not saying he is doing that on purpose, but it happens a lot.  He is using your history to make you feel like he is the only one that will love you, or is worth having in your life.

WRONG.

I get aggravated with men like this.  Here’s a guy that goes out and cheats on a good, loyal woman, and then has the nerve to tell her nobody else will love her the way that he does.

My advice to you is, the next time he says that, say “I hope you are right, because I deserve to be loved better than the way that you loved me.”

But I will tell you, he is WRONG in the notion that nobody else will ever love you.  Who says that to someone they love anyway?  Fools.  He’s also saying that because he doesn’t want you to find anybody else.  He wants you to keep pining for him while he keeps his options wide open.

I hope that knowing that will make your No Contact Zone a little bit easier.  Knowing that you are better off without someone ALWAYS makes that no contact period a little bit easier.  Cutting him off for good is what you need to do right now.  You’ve already said the trust is destroyed.  That means that nothing else can happen with the two of you right now unfortunately, but the great news is that you recognize that and are ready to move forward.  Now you just need to muster up the strength to do just that, without him.

This means losing contact all together.  For at least a few months, I am advising you a bit longer than the general 30 day rule, because this guy needs some space, and you need to be far away from his relationship propaganda.  You need some time to prove him wrong about being lovable.  No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no accidental drive by’s, no nothing.  He is history now, you need to make him history which means, not a thing of the present.

Next, online dating. 

Even if you are not ready to go on an actual date just yet, put a profile up with your hottest most fabulous you picture.  You will soon realize that other men will find you lovable again.   See, it’s MUCH easier to stay true to the No Contact Zone when you are very busy fielding inquires from good guys yourself.

They say distracting yourself is the best way to get over a breakup, and I agree.  And what better way to distract yourself than by realizing that this particular guy is really and truly not the only guy in the world.  So go out, get your fabulous on, and report back!

Did I miss anything?  How do you handle the No Contact Rule?  What makes it easier for you?  I want to hear your thoughts, so keep ‘em coming!

How to Know When It’s Time to Walk Away

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This is a guest post from Christine Clark, author of The Make Him Miss You Guide. Thanks, Christine!

It’s true. Breaking up is hard to do.  In fact, breaking up with someone or ending a long term relationship is listed very high on the Life Scales Stressor Report.

It is easily one of the most painful and stressful times of our life.  We all go through it at one point or another, it’s just one of those life lesson things that we can’t seem to avoid.

What we want to do in life is learn how to get through these experiences as painlessly as possible.  Unfortunately, many women get caught in the trap of trying to avoid breakups at any and all costs.  Equally unfortunately, this often comes at a cost that these women do not realize until it is too late. The cost of self esteem.

What I am talking about today is staying with the wrong person.

Sometimes it’s not about how to get him back, sometimes it’s about how to say goodbye. 

The purpose of all of the material you find on this site is to help you have the best relationship possible.  Note that I did not say to make your current relationship the best relationship possible.  Speaking from experience I know all too well how costly it is to your overall sense of well being when you stay with the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

There’s an old saying, sometimes it’s better to be alone than with the wrong person.  So today we are going to talk about how to know when it’s time for YOU to walk away.  We have a question from a reader that is going to help us out with this one.

Here’s what she says:

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 and half years. We have had our ups and downs but we had seemed to over come it or so i thought.

When we first meet i was coming off a bad break up with my kids father. I had went through so many relationships and then i found him. I was happy in love with him cause i had been knowing him from high school. I had a facebook account and a few guys that where my friends.

I did not fall love with him til about 7 months into our relationship cause i was scared of getting hurt. so after that i closed down facebook deleted the guys number and thought we were fine but my kids’s daddy was spending rumors that i was cheating and sleeping around. So i explained my past to him and that i was not cheating. we stayed together and i helped him become a horse jockey. i knew that working off would be hard but i supported him when his own mother kicked him out da house and moved her daughter’s boyfriend in. i was thur when his own daddy said he didn’t have any kids.

i have been there being a support system while he rides in indiana and florida, but everytime he is away he accuses me of cheating; just because i don’t answer my phone on the first ring or if i forget it somewhere and don’t answer it. he calls me like every 30 minutes to and hour everyday. where do i find time to cheat when i got kids, work 12 hour shifts, and talk to him for hours and clean a house. yes my past may seemed like i cheated but every guy i slept with i dated except for the ones that were my best friends.

i enjoy being with him when he is home, and i hate to see him leave when he goes to work. i cry everytime he leaves. just last week he leaves for raliegh which is about 2 hours away from our house. after being gone for two days we got to aruging cause i didn’t tell him i was signing my kids up for baseball. i had left my phone in car by mistake and didn’t answer and he called like 5 times. he said he was trying to get up with me to talk to me cause he missed me and wanted to talk to me. He says he gets lonely and only wants to talk to me cause he loves me.

I wanna be with him but i cant take this accusing. what should i do? please help.

My parents say hes controlling and no good cause he has no money to help support me. his mother doesn’t like me because she thought that i was better than them or acted like i was better than her because i had money and she didn’t. My parents dislike him because of the decisions he makes when hes mad and the fact that he’s broke.

Another situation where we have a LOT going on, but it is very easy to pick out the nuts and bolts of this one.

How to deal with a controlling man? 

That could very well have been the title of today’s post.  This is the kind of man that you need to seriously consider walking away from, otherwise you can only expect things to escalate from here.

Dear Reader, you have been given a lot of information from people in your life that love you.

Think back to all of the people in your life that have given you advice regarding this situation.  How long have you known them compared to how long you have known him?  You HAVE to take this information into account when you are in a relationship.  Most people that love you won’t meddle in your relationship until or unless they see the potential for you to get hurt.

Here’s the cold hard truth. 

I don’t even know this guy and I think he is controlling as well.  Women in controlling relationships are often the last ones to admit it.

I know, I’ve been there.

Calling you every 30 minutes when he is away from you?  Calling you 5 times when you left the phone in the car?  Those two clues without any other information are enough to tell me you need to start thinking smart with this guy.  Well those and the not so little thing about the baseball situation.

They are not his kids!!!!!  Who is he to tell you when you can and can not sign them up for stuff?

Listen, this is not about you and your past, this is about HIM.

This has absolutely nothing to do with how you met him, or under what circumstances you started your relationship with him.  I hate to break it to you but, this guy IS a controlling man, and I would bet dollars to donuts you were not the first woman that he was controlling with.

What does that mean? 

This behavior is not going to stop until you put an end to it.  You have two options in that regard.  To break up with him, or to sit him down and have an honest discussion about it.

If he takes the low road and tries to blame you and your past for the reasons for this current behavior, my recommendation is that you take the high road and leave him on the curb with the trash.  You can not control his actions or his behavior, and for him to blame YOU for the way HE is behaving is irresponsible, immature, and disrespectful.

The problem with these kinds of men is that they do not often change, this behavior escalates and escalates until he is controlling every aspect of your life. Like your kids baseball for example.

Next he will be checking your email next if he hasn’t already, checking your phone log for text messages in and out, going through your purse or your car to see what’s in there.  All of this he will be doing with the message to you that if he could trust you, and you had nothing to hide, then you shouldn’t have a problem with this behavior.

He’s wrong.  

There are no circumstances that make this behavior or his incessant calling acceptable behavior.  NONE whatsoever.

If any of that sounds even a little bit familiar to you, follow one of those two options I have already stated.  You don’t need anybody in your life that treats you like that.  You deserve better, and a man that loves you for who and what you are will recognize that, and want to serve you with all of the dignity and respect that you deserve.

You can’t make him want to do that.

But you can make him realize that you won’t put up with anything less.  Remember how I keep saying, you teach people how to treat you. Right now you are teaching him it is okay to behave this way.  Drop that mentality, and pick up a new one.  It may mean losing him, but your alternative? Dealing with this for the rest of your life.  Again, you can only control your own choices in life. You can’t make him want to treat you better, but you can choose better.

Like I said, sometimes it’s not about how to get him back, but how to let him go.  Every painful process is one that builds strength.

I’ve been there and taken out that trash, and I know what you are going through.  Situations like yours concern me, and it upsets me to see any woman treated this way.

Remember, being in love with your Self is really and truly the greatest love of all.

About the Author

Christine Clark is just a normal gal like you who, when she was seeing her relationship slip through her fingers, decided to do something about it. She made it her mission to read everything from all the so-called experts (mostly written by men), try all the techniques, and come up with a better way, the step-by-step plan for getting her man back.

She developed a program that can help you get your guy back – the right way – without having to suffer through any more of the pain and rejection.  It is based becoming your best — the real you — and turning the tables to make him miss you so much that he has to have you back in his life.  If right now that seems impossible, know that it is possible. Just check out her guide.

What to Do the Morning After Casual Sex?

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There are few of us that have not fallen into this category at one time or another.  We live in a day and age where instant gratification prevails, and we wind up meeting someone and having sex with them very soon after meeting them.

Anyone that knows me and my philosophies on that knows I am typically against this strategy in love.   With me, it is not a judgmental thing, as much as it is an issue where I just personally believe that women would save themselves a LOT of heartache if they avoided casual sex all together.

Why Avoid Casual Sex?

Men and women view sex differently, MOST of the time. (Did you really need me to say that? C’mon you know it to be true.)

Men view sex as meeting a physical need, and women view sex as meeting an emotional need.  Bear in mind these are sweeping generalizations and there are about 6 billion exceptions to this rule.  I am not saying all men feel this way all of the time, and all women feel this way all of the time, I am merely saying this to provide the foundation for my own personal philosophies on casual sex.

Casual sex or “drunk sex” or friends with benefits sex or no strings attached sex or whatever you want to call it all boils down to one thing, having sex with someone that you are not in love with.  This in fact is the rule to casual sex.  You don’t love that person, and thus are going into it with no expectations.

This kind of sex is easier for men than for women. 

Why?  Back to that issue of physical needs.  Men that engage in this will have their physical needs met, and then carry on with the no expectations part of the bargain.  Women, can not handle this as easily.

They become attached through the sexual act, and then they start to want more with the same man, and he gets confused.  Feels awkward.  Doesn’t quite know how to handle it, because now he is realizing that she was not able to meet her end of the bargain.

This is exactly what has happened to one of our readers.

Here’s what she says (I think via her phone based on the text typing):

Well ok ill just get straight to what happend ok i have been talking to this guy for allmost 3months we had drunk sex and now he feels awkweard 🙁 i would like to know or say to make him come of this awkwardness.

Ok ill give u some back round on us.

So we would talk on the phone from 11pm till like 3 or 4am.

We would text each other and he would replay with in like 5 mins and now since that day he hasn’t been acting like that we would talk on the phone for a few hours but it something would seen off and in text msgs he would replay after like 30 mins and like short replays like ” lmao thats funny” or a bit longer them that.

He a straight up guy so he called and told me how he was feeling and said he felt a bit better telling me but he still felt awkward and i was trying to be as understanding as i could.

I’m worried because i do generally like this guy he is awesome he never tried to touch me in anyway sexual way. We would hug n cuddled that was about it and he would have wet dreams about me.

Plzz helppp!!!! Im lost and worried what going to happend.  🙁

Lost

Here’s where things went wrong, dear Lost.

You had casual sex with him. 

Or drunk sex, or whatever you want to call it.  You got intimate with him thinking it could be casual, and then realized that you couldn’t do that because he is just that awesome.  I agree he must be awesome, and I do give him some major kudos and props points for being honest with you.  Unfortunately now he’s feeling a little bit awkward about it, and has pulled back a little bit.

Does this mean that he doesn’t like you?

No.  It just means that he has come to the realization that you do in fact want something different than what he wants, and it’s awkward because well, he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

The solution? 

Well, unfortunately there is no fix-all to this one, the damage may be done.

If you two want different things, you can’t change that. You can’t force him to want to be with you, and who wants to be in a relationship they need to force? For you, the best bet is to stop contacting him for a little while.

You did not actually have a relationship with him, so I won’t say go as long as 30 days. Maybe give him two weeks to see what it is like to not hear from you.  Then, ask him out.  If a relationship is what you want, seek it.  If he turns you down? Move on. Guess what? He’s not the only awesome guy out there, and by spending your time on this one, you are missing out on the awesome guys that DO want a relationship with you.

For the future you, and everybody else, can stop this one in its tracks before it happens.  How?

Don’t have casual sex, if you think you can’t handle it. 

I don’t know how many times I have had girlfriends say to me in my single periods, “just go out and get it done, have a fling and you will feel better about yourself.”  I shake my head vehemently, I can’t do it.

I know how I respond to someone after being intimate with them, and I am only willing to put myself out there that way if I know they are in love with me.  It can make for some lonely nights, but lonely nights with a clean frame of mind are MUCH better than lonely nights with a heartbreak after casual sex.

Try it, you’ll love it, and good luck!  Let us know how it goes, or who the new man in your life is!

What to Do When the Relationship is On Again Off Again?

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If relationships were cut and dry and black and white then what the world needs now wouldn’t be love, sweet love.  If they were like this, all of the love that is in the world would be exactly where it should be, when it is supposed to be there.  But the truth is that the human variable complicates matters greatly.  Today we are going to touch on that ever elusive concept of….mixed signals.

Anyone that has ever broken up with someone knows just how complicated relationships are.  Even the most cut and dry breakups are anything but.  Complicated, complex, deceiving, and very frustrating.  When breakups happen, a host of feelings are still there.  Just because you broke up with someone, or someone broke up with you, does not make those feelings go away.  Like many elements and molecules in life, love can not be created or destroyed.  It is just there, waiting to be tapped into.

So when a break happens, or a split, breakup, separation, whatever you want to call it, you still have those feelings, you are just sort of in this place where you’re not really supposed to have them anymore.

And guess what?  The other person has them too.

Even so, something happened where you are in this space.

This is exactly why I keep referring to the No Contact Rule.  This period fresh from a breakup is when women, and men too, get so easily caught up in those emotions that never went away after the breakup.  Having the No Contact Zone will take a lot of confusion out, AND eliminate any possibility of a mixed signal.

The situation of mixed signals was addressed by one of our readers, who asks, how do I get him back while he is still in contact with me.  Here’s what she says:

Hey Michelle 🙂

First of all, I like your posts very much!

But I’ve got an important question: My boyfriend and me we ( I’m sorry I don’t know the English word) decided to have a break ( but didn’t really break up) we just needed some time and space. The problem is, since then we never got to make up again. We both know, that we still love each other. And when we meet or talk it’s just like we’re  a couple again but we aren’t. It’s always an off-and-on. Sometimes we have much contact and call and write ( or meet) us every day, and sometimes we don’t hear from each other for 2 weeks.

And that have been the situation for 9 months.

So now I wanted to ask you, what would you do next? I really love him and want him back!
But officially and for more than just some weeks.

I hope you can help me.

There is much more here than meets the eye at first.  For starters, let’s deal with the breakup.  You are calling it a break, and that’s okay.  We all do what we need to do when we need to do it to get over the pain.  However, you are not being 100% honest with yourself here.  You discuss this relationship as if it is still an active relationship and that you are still a couple.  Sit down for a minute while I help you work this out.

Here’s one thing you need to know right now.

You aren’t still a couple.  Real couples don’t go for weeks without speaking to each other, for a period of nine months.  I can’t help but wonder, WHY are you letting this drag out?  You have just given nine months of your life waiting for a guy that may never come back to you.  I know that hurts to hear, but it is the truth.  You are not on a break, you have broken up, and he is obviously a nice enough guy to stay in touch with you.  Why? He had feelings for you once.  But if you were The One, he would have gotten back together with you before now.

Here’s what I think is happening. 

He is stringing you along just in case he feels at some point that he made a bad decision breaking up with you, and he has you to fall back on.  You say that you still love each other, but has he actually told you this?

If you want a man in your life, officially, and for more than just a few weeks, you have to ask for that by teaching people how to treat you.  What would I do in this case?

Here’s what I would do.

Kick the No Contact Zone into full gear, but do not do so without explaining to him why.  The reason for this is that you can’t just cut him off now after having taught him that it is okay to stay in touch with you. So, touch base with him, and then YOU break it off with HIM.  That’s right, it sounds like it is a clean break, because it is.  But you transfer the power from him who is currently calling all of the shots, to YOU calling all of the shots.

You just need to explain to him what you want.  You want him back for good and officially, or you don’t want him at all.  Then, you go into the No Contact Zone for 30 days, do not email, call, text, or even look at him on Facebook.  Clean Break.

This gives him a chance to miss you.  You haven’t given him that chance yet.  Only when a man is truly given this opportunity to miss you, will he decide for himself whether or not you are truly the one he wants to be with. He can’t do that if you are always contacting him, even if the contact is good.  Cut him off, breakup with him, and go your separate ways, and see the magic work for yourself.

Good luck, and keep us posted! Readers, if you have any advice or tips that I haven’t covered for this dear reader, drop ‘em in the comments!

Also, I invite you to check out my best relationship tips for women

How Do I Get Him Back After 2 Years?

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Thanks so much to all of you that keep dropping in your relationship questions!  This is one of those areas in life where it helps to know you are not the only one suffering this pain.  Being in a breakup is painful, overwhelming, and can even lead to serious issues like anxiety and depression.  Hearing other people’s stories helps us learn through this process, and come out of it as successfully as possible.  And I love hearing from you!

Today’s letter comes from “Anna” who has been caught in a vicious cycle of mixed signals.  That’s a tough one after a breakup, and only makes the matters worse.  Anna wants to know how can I get him back, and more committed than ever, after two and a half years.  Here’s what she had to say:

My name is Anna. My ex boyfriend and I were together for 2 and a half years before he broke up with me in November. After I made the mistake of begging and trying to reason with him, I didn’t talk to him for almost 2 months. Then two weeks ago, he started texting me.

It turned into him texting me all day and night. When I didn’t text back quickly, he would worry and resend messages. I decided to hang out with him last night and made the mistake of having sex with him. It wasn’t like he was asking to sleep with him. That’s the one thing he told me I didn’t have to do.

The sex part was my fault. I missed him so much, it was over whelming to be there and not kiss him and hold him. I really wanted to have that connection again. I’m just confused because it wasn’t how I imagined “friends with benefits” sex to be. After I gave in, I thought that he would want me to leave when we were done. Instead, we cuddled and kissed. We talked and laughed. It was really fun. it was just like old times again. We ended the night walking to my car, and he kissed me good night.

I really care about him…deeply. More than anyone Ive ever had a relationship with. We are both still in college, and I’m afriad maybe its just the commitment hes afraid of. Idk. He has to love me some what. Before we broke up, he got me a promise ring, that actually is a engagement ring, and I haven’t taken it off since.

If I wasn’t somewhat important, I don’t think he would of spent his hard earned money on something so expensive.

Please help.

Well, there’s definitely a lot of information here.  Let’s start from the top and work our way down.

For starters Anna, congratulations on doing so well in the No Contact Zone.

You have just showed our other readers that the No Contact Zone works. As you can see, Anna stayed out of contact with her ex for two whole months.  The end result?  He was begging for her back.  Repeated text messages.  So I say, you go girl, way to go for staying strong, even though you must have been going insane.

And, as we can see, that’s when things started to go downhill.  We will cover this in more detail in future articles, but there are important steps to take after the No Contact Zone that we haven’t covered yet.  Anna has given a very good reason to show us how important it is to follow all steps thoroughly.

It is a tricky situation to navigate between the No Contact Zone and getting back together in a more committed way than ever before.  When you have a lot of chemistry with someone you have known for two years, it is even tougher.  What happened here is that chemistry started speaking louder than your rational self.  You wanted him.

Don’t sweat it, we’ve all been there.  Who hasn’t run into an ex after some time and started to get the sweats because they looked so darn amazing?  We all have.  The difference is, acting on that energy.  You can act on it, but not before you take a few important steps in between.

Here is some relationship advice for you that you need to hear. Having sex with him a little too soon is what is leading to this mass confusion you are experiencing right now.  Don’t beat yourself up over it though, you can retract from this step very easily.  What happened here was not a friends with benefits situation. You two are not friends, you are exes.  Friends With Benefits will be covered in an entirely different article in detail, but in a nutshell, this situation is best served for two people who barely know each other and have no history or true emotional connection.  Anything beyond that is going to cause some of the havoc that you have experienced here.

The good news Anna is that I DO think that he loves you.  More than somewhat.  I am not sure of the details on what broke the two of you up, but what you need to do is start from scratch.  If you want it to work with him, you need to start like daters again.  Now that you have found yourself in this situation with him, you need to go back to the No Contact Zone, 30 days, and take it from there.  If you hear from him during that, have a talk with him.  If you don’t, contact him when you feel you are ready, and have a talk with him.

That talk needs to address what you want.  He can’t keep pulling these strings and make you feel like you are bouncing back and forth between love and casual sex.  That isn’t fair to you.  If you want a commitment, you are allowed to want that.  But he needs to know that.

Casual sex with this guy is going to keep making you feel like this. 

If you want to stop feeling this way with this guy, express what you need from him.  He will either be willing or not be willing to take that step with you.  If he isn’t?  He needs to go back to the No Contact Zone, at which point you will move on with your life, start dating again, and look for someone that will give you exactly what you want.

Anything else and you are just selling yourself short.  You will not be able to get him back and more committed using any other method.  The good news?  Like I said, you have a history and clearly he cares deeply for you so you have a good foundation to work from.

Good luck Anna, and keep us posted!

How Do I Get My Ex-Boyfriend Back After a Hookup?

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Thanks again to all of you that are writing in!  I love that you want my insight on how to make your relationships better! A lot of questions that come in area long the same lines, and I see a lot of questions covering that grey area of hookups, Friends With Benefits, those types of scenarios.  That is what we are going to talk about today.

A Reader Asks:  How do I get my ex boyfriend back after a hookup?

Before I address the reader’s question, many of you may already know where I stand on this issue.  Remember, my goal is to answer your questions on how to get my ex-boyfriend back, and how to make him more committed than ever before.  That is the key to a good and successful relationship.  Essentially, even in this day and age of casual sex, no strings attached, hookups, and friends with benefits, that’s what everybody wants.

When people go to these casual situations, what they are really doing is settling for what they can get right now, UNTIL a relationship develops.  But it is a very tricky line to cross between the casual and the committed, especially if sex is in the picture.  I do like things a little old school, you will hear me say that time and again. Why?  Because it works.  So as we go into Confuzzled’s question, remember one of my hard and fast rules to get your boyfriend back, no sex until monogamy has been addressed.  Here is what Confuzzled asked:

So I a few days ago my ex texted me basically saying he didnt know what he was thinking breaking up with me and asked if I would give him another chance but said he didnt want one.

As the convo went on we basically made plans to hangout thursday and just cuddle or w/e but he really wanted to hook up He didn’t talk to me at all the next day but then the next night after that he texted me saying “I can’t, I can’t talk to you. All I’m going to do is lead you on and hurt you. All I do is hurt people.” So he was in a really bad move but then we talked about it and got flirting and it sort of lead to us making plans to hook up and I even sent him a few pictures. But the next night (last night) he texted me saying hey I’m sorry I didnt text you today and we had a super short convo and all the sudden he said he doesn’t want to hook up, well he does, but he wont.

I asked why and he said he knows its fucked up but his friend texted him asking him to hook up that day and he said no, cause he didn’t like her for more than a friend. He also realized that “he hates hooking up with people he isn’t emotionally attracted to.” But he totally stopped texting me and I was heartbroken. He ignored me all day today even though we were supposed to hang. At this point I feel like i have a hole in my heart thats only filled when he’s talking to me weather we’re fighting, hookingup, or just having a normal convo, but I really need to be around/talking to him all the time.

When I do talk to him, I dont feel much but I feel really comfortable and whole. I don’t know what he means, or what I should do?

Sincerely, Confuzzled

For starters, congratulations Confuzzled on wanting to put an end to these mixed signals.  You are right to want what you want, and you are entitled to a committed relationship if that is what you want.

Now having said everything I said in my introduction to this email, what do you think my response is going to be?  You got it.

Stop having sex with him. 

Once again, I do not know how long you were together, or what the details of your breakup were, but you have given me enough information to tell me that the sex and the hookups are what is causing all of these mixed signals.  I will also say, congratulations to your man for figuring this out too!   He flat out told you, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

What does this tell me?  He DOES care about you.  He may be going through this period right now where he is engaging in casual sex to try and get over you, deal with his own pain, or anything along that lines.  We don’t know why he is doing that.  What we DO know is that even HE doesn’t like doing that.

To answer one of your questions, this is exactly why he stopped contacting you, and ignoring your texts.  Because he is afraid of hurting you even more.  Truth be told, it doesn’t sound like he is ready for an entirely committed thing yet.  It sounds like he needs to figure some stuff out.  But that’s a good thing.  Having a man in your life that knows he doesn’t want to hurt you is a good thing, even if you aren’t together right now.  It shows that he cares, and that is a foundation you can use.

So here is what you need to do Confuzzled if you want to get your exboyfriend back.  Stop having sex with him.  And let him know that but in the kind and gentle loving way that he knows you to have.  Thank him for being so honest with you, because that is a rare thing to have.  Tell him you are lucky to have someone in your life that is honest enough with you to know when it is time to take a break.  Then agree with him.  Agree that you both need a little bit of space right now, and take that break sticking tried and true to the No Contact Zone.

This is going to throw him off a bit, I warn you.  He cares about you and is used to hearing from you.  But you need to stick to this to meet your end goal, which is having him come back to you more committed than ever.  After the 30 day period in the No Contact Zone, contact him again, but ONLY IF he contacts you first.  Then tell him what you want.  He will do one of two things.  Accept your offer of a committed relationship with him, or not.

In any case, do not, and I repeat do NOT have sex with him UNLESS you and he have committed to a monogamous relationship.

Otherwise, 30 or 31 days from now you will be writing me with the exact same question and broken heart.

I don’t want that for you. 

I want you to contact me again in 30-60 days telling me how much in love with you he is all over again.

If you want to get your boyfriend back after a hookup, these are the steps you need to take.  You are strong and you can do it.  Touch base again and let us know how it goes!  How about you readers?  Got a similar question? Drop it in the inbox, or drop some comments here for Confuzzled and give her some tips on how to make this time so much easier for her. Good luck Confuzzled, we are all rooting for you!

How Do I Get Him Back After Acting Like a Psycho Chick?

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psycho chick
Is this what he sees?

Believe it or not this is a more common question that you might think — how to get him back after acting like, well… a psycho chick.  In fact, out of all of the women that I personally know, 100% of them have asked this question at some point in their lives and loves.

Why does this happen?

Because we are emotional.  And when our heart is broken, or we feel that it might get broken, we become emotional AND irrational.  To men, this translates into the ever not so popular psycho chick.  You will find that most of my articles and posts talk over and over again about how to avoid this popular mistake.  All of this involves keeping our emotions in check, as much as we can.

I will admit, sometimes that is not easy.  In fact, sometimes it is downright impossible.  So when it comes to NOT being the psycho chick, preventive measures are the one I practice, because even I, yes me, has been guilty of this far more times than I want to even think about.

One reader, who is looking for some relationship advice, asks how do I get him back after I was a psycho chick?  Many of you may have thought this was a mistake that could not be erased.  I am not going to say it can always be erased.  There is a spectrum of the psycho chick that must be considered.  There is the psycho chick that bursts into tears in public and calls him every name in the book. And there is the psycho chick that drives through his living room because he cheated on her.  And there is the range of psycho chicks in between both of those scenarios.

Add the individual differences of men who use this term, and you have a huge definition of what this term could encompass.  A psycho chick is in the eye of the beholder no doubt.  I say, depending on the degree of severity regarding the psycho chick incident in question, the authenticity of that psycho chick situation, and the nature of your relationship, it can be erased.  Or at least, moved beyond.  Take that note on the “authenticity of the psycho chick situation” and keep that in mind when we look at our next question from a reader. She says:

My ex boyfriend of 5 years, tells me all the time, work on you (physically, mentally, emotionally)… and he also tells me do more stuff to make me want to stay home or come home. At this point, I became one of those psycho’s begging him to come back. When he says “do more stuff to make me want to stay home or come home” …. what is he referring to?? can you write about that?
thank you!!

Here we have a unique situation, and we will break this down.  It is actually much simpler than it looks.  For starters, the man in question is giving a lot of information here.  He wants her to change after five years.  It seems that he has provided you with a list of things that he wants you to change as well.  So my first question is, what has he offered to change in order for you two to move forward?  I am guessing nothing.

He is saying in no uncertain words that you are not good enough for him, after five years.  Whose feelings WOULDN’T be hurt by that?  He is not saying you just aren’t good enough, but it sounds like you aren’t good enough for him in every possible way – emotionally, physically, and mentally.  I have to be honest here, I would go a little psycho myself if someone I was with for five years had the audacity to bring this up.  But I certainly wouldn’t worry about begging for him back.

Here’s why.  It goes back to my ongoing talks about having standards, and sticking to them.  A man that loves you, cherishes you, respects you, and again LOVES you, would not talk to you this way.  This is a man who may even be a little controlling, and wants his way or no way.  You don’t have to live that way.  You deserve a man who DOES love you for every little physical, mental, and emotional idiosyncrasy that you have.

It’s hard, I know. 

Five years is a loooooong time.  And he feels safe and comfortable and you don’t know much of your life without him.  So my recommendation is that you both take a little cooling off period.  When he says “do more stuff to make me want to come home” do it.  Tell him you need 30 days to do it…without him.  Tell him you are interested in making this work, but you need to work on you, and he needs to work on him.  If he is living with you, tell him his behavior is not acceptable, and you deserve to be treated better.  Ask him to stay somewhere else for 30 days, so that you two can both work on these issues individually.

One of a few things will happen here.  If you stick to the No Contact Zone for 30 days AND stick to your standards and how you know you deserve to be treated, you will either breakup for good or get back together.  You will learn a LOT about yourself during those 30 days, and how good it feels to be free from someone who treats you this way.  You should only let him back into your life if you truly think he is willing to treat you the way you deserve.  If you want to get your boyfriend back and more committed than ever, these are the steps you need to take.

See, sometimes it’s okay to be that psycho chick.  When we stand up for ourselves and teach people how to treat us, sometimes we get emotional about it.  It’s a touchy emotional subject.  You don’t always have to bounce back from it, sometimes you do yes, but sometimes you need that psycho chick moment.  Right now, your man needs a woman to change, and in this case, a woman who will start standing up for yourself.

And when you think that your behavior has truly pushed your ex away for good, it’s time to go to the ex factor.

 

 

Relationship Advice – She Feels Lost in Space

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Ever feel like you were lost in space when it comes to your man?  Who hasn’t?  We’ve all been there.  When there has been a breakup, that little gap between you and him widens broader than the Milky Way it seems, doesn’t it?  There are a few reasons for this, and knowing these reasons will be among the best tips on relationship advice you might ever get. 

Remember, it’s about changing your perspective now.

One reason is, if you have been following the tips right, there is less communication between the two of you.  When there is less communication, all of their actions or inactions seem even more confusing to you.  Because they aren’t communicating. 

That’s okay by the way! That’s what you want. You need this space. 

But another reason we feel lost in space after we have broken up with someone, or been broken up with, is because they are doing or saying things that seem so….out of the ordinary from the guy that we knew.  The truth is, if you stay connected to your man even in the slightest way after a breakup, you learn some valuable things from him.  The other truth is, and this is a truth we need to be prepared to accept, is that they are not acting out of the ordinary at all.  They are acting like themselves.  You just see it from a different eye now, because they aren’t “with you” and so they don’t need to put on the front that they needed to, or felt they needed to, when they were with you and trying to please you.

Let’s break this down a bit more.  We have an email from a reader, “Lost in Space” who clarifies this somewhat.  As much as we tell you to break it off completely, sometimes that is just impossible.  In fact, the longer the relationship was, or the deeper the connection you had with him, it gets more difficult to stay in the No Contact zone.  Lost in Space is a perfect example.  She writes:

Hi Michelle, how are you? My boyfriend of 10 years actually broke up with me over the phone and found a new girlfriend immediately. He told me the reasons we broke up are me being cold and controlling through the relationship. He also said that now he is in love with the other woman….but he wants to be friends with me still see me and talk to me whenever he is in town. He started going overseas for a long period of time and told me he couldn’t stand being with me cause I was pressuring him.

We were living together for 2.5 years and he still helps me out financially. He tells me that he cannot be with me in general unless I change and even though I change it may be a long shot cause he is in love with the other person. What I don’t get is that he still wants to kiss me when he sees me and hug me. He still cares he said but as a friend…but he may get jealous if he thinks I may be seeing someone else…he told me that the only solution that we have is for me to wait and be patient…and for him to come and see me or talk to me whenever he pleases….I don’t know what to do….he also said that he does not see me as a woman anymore but he likes me a lot outside…he does not feel the same cause my behavior has hurt him for a long period of time. He said he was telling me but I was not listening to him. I really love him and would like to get back together…he said that in that case we would start dating…..he is now leaving for 2 months where he has the new gf and he will be back only for a month…and then around 3 months for the summer…..in the meantime I’m trying to get a job but still I would need him financially…we were leaving as a married couple and we broke up with no attorneys…..Do you have any idea what the heck is going on in his mind? Should I wait or try to forget him….finding a gf does not make the things easier.

I’m scared that he will love her at the end and he will forget all about me….I think what he is asking me to do is very unfair for me…even though he told me you are free to find a boyfriend if you want…he knows I still love him and it will take me a long time to do overcome the break up..when I asked him how the heck could he do it he said it’s different for guys than women to go with someone else even they love someone else…..personally I think it’s easy for both parties. I don’t know…have I lost him forever…since he sees me every day and talks to me on the phone…he sounds cold sometimes and seems to not care….he told me that he still has feelings but he cannot be with me cause I pressure him…he was angry when I started talking about past mistakes and he said he wants to start a new page with me and if he feels something he will approach me and then it will be my choice…..he also has taken me for dinner a couple times….is that crazy or not???? btw he also paid for changes at the house we were live in. He was and currently is building another house which we were suppose to live there with my children…he told me that if he comes back now it would be a sick relationship and he would be somewhere else…he still wants to be in contact though…I truly don’t get it….he wants to wait and see if I change? or he wants to try the new thing see if it works out and then come back? he told me sex was flat…but the beginning was great cause we had the spark….

WHAT? oh I had to mention he is 15 years older than me…..I don’t know….it was like a brick on my head..one day we check out the new house and pick the flooring the next day he leaves and calls me after 2 weeks to tell me that we are done and that he has a new gf….I feel like driving myself crazy. I’m not saying that I have no fault in it, my behavior was a little off especially the past 2 years…I think I was depressed with work and such but he was saying we had money so what the heck was your problem….also he thinks I don’t respect him cause in our last fight I told him “F…U” I really screwed it up….anyways I cannot figure out what the heck he wants and if what he asks is true..he also told me he doesn’t want to lose me…isn’t crazy? so I sit wait while he f….s someone else ? I don’t get it…btw he told me that his family had noticed the strange behavior too so they told him also…so…I don’t know what to say. I know I want him back….I know I love him….but I don’t know if he will ever come…and how the heck you start dating after being together for 10 years that’s so weird to me….he told me I can kiss him but he doesn’t for his own personal reasons….ok but he comes to kiss me with closed lips…that’s not a freaking break up is it???? is he trying to see how he feels inside if things changed? I don’t know. Please let me know what you think cause I’m lost in space. Thank you!

Okay. At first glance, there is a LOT of information here, and a lot going on here.

But this is a lot simpler than it looks.

Ending a 10 year relationship is tough, no question.  When there are financial obligations on the table, that makes it even tougher.  This is one of those situations where a “clean break” just isn’t going to happen.  But he has given his woman a LOT of information here.   This is what aggravates me.

HE broke up with YOU and gave you a long laundry list over all of the things YOU need to change in order to get back with him, and yet has the audacity to call YOU the controlling one? Come on now, honey.  You don’t need relationship advice, you need a little straightening in the back bone there.  Because not only has he done all of this, but he has done so AND fallen in love with someone else at the same time.

This is exactly what I meant in my earlier relationship advice when I said that during this breakup time, we learn a LOT about “our man” when we stay in contact. What he’s telling you is that maybe just maybe if you do this and that and this and that, maybe he will come back to you but don’t hold your breath.  What he is also saying without saying it is, that will probably happen if it doesn’t work out with Door #2. You don’t deserve to be anybody’s second best, you deserve better. Start dating again until you find that. Who CARES if he gets jealous? He’s not your man, now, he’s your friend… your friend that is in love with someone else.

Here is the best relationship advice I can offer.

Cut Him Off. No dinners, no kisses, no nothing.  Be his friend if you want to be his friend, but I don’t kiss my friends, and you shouldn’t either.  He does not get to have his cake and eat it too, and string you along like this. You are allowed to be controlling here, it’s YOUR life. Of course you are feeling like you are going crazy. I felt a little bit like that myself for you after reading your note. He’s doing that, and you will feel MUCH better once you let him know he doesn’t get to do this to you.

How to Get Your Husband Back

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Some sources that provide relationship advice for women talk about moving on, but what if you’re not ready to move on? What if you still want to get your ex-husband back and you’re not ready to end the relationship? If you’re sure you still want the marriage to continue despite his flaws, then it is time to find out how to get him back.

Steps on How to Get Your Husband Back

1. Look at Things from His Perspective

After a break up or a particularly bad fight, you may feel like you’re just putting up with him while he completely ignores your feelings. If you think that he’s constantly misunderstanding you, you may never figure out that he feels you’re the same with him.

Empathy is the best tool you can use when you’re struggling to fix the relationship. If it’s difficult for you to do this on your own, read some self-help resources on men behaviour. You may find some insights that you never realized, and these may help you understand your man better.

Thinking that you know your husband well is also a misconception that you should avoid. By keeping an open mind, you can let go of all the misguided expectations. He’s human like you, and he may say bad things he would probably regret later on.

2. Identify the Causes of the Break Up

It’s a painful process but there’s no substitute for deep introspection when you’re trying to figure out how to get him back. Ask yourself what caused the break-up, and figure out a way to deal with it. The most common causes are financial worries, stress with children and jealousy. The trick is to try to deal with these issues on your own so that you can take a personal stand when it’s time for you and your ex to have your talk.

Be ready to listen to your ex when he talks about his thoughts on why you broke up. If you insist that he’s wrong even when he’s just talking about his feelings, you won’t get anywhere. Your opinion and his may differ when it comes to identifying the main causes why your relationship failed.

Introspecting would mean staying away from each other for a while. This is a good thing because you can make him miss you. Once he has calmed down and thought about the causes of the break up, he may find out that you’re not the one at fault. Feelings of guilt and remorse are powerful. If he admits to himself that he played a part in destroying the relationship, he can become more receptive to your efforts to get back together.

3. Come Up With Solutions

Men want to hear about solutions more than anything else. If you’ve been trying to get him to talk to you again for the longest time and he finally agrees to meet up, don’t waste time by bringing up the last fight you had. Instead, come up with solutions and present them in a calm way so that he knows you’re serious about getting back together.

If your talk turns out to be a reprise of your last fight, you won’t be able to figure out how to get him back. You’ll be going back to square one. What you need to do is to stay focused on persuading him to change his mind about breaking up.