One of the things you know that I talk about frequently is the No Contact Zone. This is the period of time that you should be taking after a breakup. It is exactly what it sounds like. Step awaaaaay from the computer, telephone, and that little devil of a cell phone. All of these things are so tempting, you want to make that one call, one text, one email, just to make sure he hasn’t forgotten you, and it’s a bad idea. Why? Because he rarely if ever responds, and what that does to you is send you on the spiral of heartbreak all. over. again. I want to save you lovely ladies from this pain, so please, please, no matter how much you want to just touch base, one last time….don’t. If you really want to get your ex back, you need to follow this one crucial step of relationship advice. It is the most important step in getting him back, because not only does it spare you heartbreak, but this space that you give him is just the space you both need for the magic to start working on its own. See, he can’t miss you if he keeps hearing from you.
Many of you, judging by your letters, are taking this advice well. But the tone of many letters seems to be, what next? So that’s exactly what I am going to address today. I speak enough about this critical No Contact Zone, but what do you do next? Today we are going to help one of our friends, I am going to call her Hope, and help her get through what is necessary after the No Contact Zone. So far, as you will see, she’s done everything right. She just needs some encouragement on what to do next.
Here’s what Hope had to say:
Hi Michelle. I’ve been sending you relationship questions ever since but I receive no reply. 🙁 It’s okay I understand you get a little hectic in your schedule. I just want to know how to get my ex boyfriend back if he is seeing a new girl already. :'(
We’ve been for 3 years and I can say he is the best boyfriend anyone could ever have….that’s why it’s hard for me to let go. :'( He broke up with me because of my attitude. I tend to get jealous and angry easily. I have mood swings. He broke up with me for his reason that he got burned out because f our everyday issues and petty fights. :'(
I did everything to win him back. Beg, everything. Even my parents and friends tried to convince him to give me a chance. But nothing happened. :'( We broke up last July. I didn’t text nor call him. But I get to see him everyday because we are both involve in the same organization in our church.
Last week of August, he texted me because he wanted to know what I am up to. That day that we met is the most horrible day of my life. He said that I should be dating other guys now because he is seeing someone new already. Worse, his new girl is the girl in our same organization also. Since then until this October, I made no contact to him. I quit joining the organization the three of us are involve.
I want to get him back, Michelle. I hope you could spend time to answer this. You are God sent to all of us brokenhearted girls here. Thank you so much. :'(
Once again, I’ve highlighted the key areas of concern, and let’s break it down.
For starters, Hope, I want to thank you for all of your kind words. Thank you also for taking so many lengths to touch base with me, I know how important this is to you and we are here to help. Second, I want to congratulate you on everything that you’ve done right. You followed the prescription exactly, stayed well within the No Contact Zone, and what happened?
He contacted you. Forget what he said, just for a moment, and focus on that one key issue.
He contacted you. You made him miss you enough to just check in and see how you were doing. What was one of the first questions he asked? “How is your love life?”
It doesn’t matter if he didn’t use those exact words, he was curious. And if he didn’t care for you at all, 1.) He wouldn’t have bothered to text, and 2.) He wouldn’t have asked you about your love life.
See, if you only just broke up last July, and he’s already with someone else after being with you for three years, I am going to name this girl Rebound Girl. I’ve said this to other readers as well. No man, nobody at all, bounces back and falls in love with someone else mere weeks after he has let someone go that has been a part of his life for three years. Nobody does that.
And for the people that do, you let them go. They are not going to commit to that person any more than they committed to you, and you don’t need those problems.
But this guy, my hunch is that he just needed to get some space from someone that he was fighting with all of the time (I’ll get to that in a minute), and start seeing someone else. The reason he started seeing someone else is so that he could sort of prove to himself that he could find someone he wouldn’t fight with all of the time. So, here comes this nice lady from church and it sounds ideal to him.
Maybe it is ideal to him, but it is not ideal enough, otherwise he wouldn’t have touched base with you. Even THOUGH he said you should have moved on by now, he still touched base with you. If Rebound Girl was meeting all of his needs in love, he would not have contacted you. And him telling you that you should have moved on by now is in my opinion, his way of trying to assuage his own guilt for moving on so quickly. Because I can pretty much bet you dollars to donuts that he would not be happy at ALL if he found out you were seeing someone else right now. I would bet money on that one, Hope.
Do you see why I nicknamed you Hope? Because, this situation has some. And I hope you are feeling that so far.
Now, let’s move to this issue of fighting. The anger, the jealousy, and so on. This kind of behavior speaks of insecurity. And I think the reason this issue lead to so many fights with you is because he probably felt that, if he was with you for three years, you had no reason to be insecure with him. And I would have to agree with him on that one. Not saying you did anything wrong, it’s completely normal for even the longest lasting couples to feel insecure in their relationship once in a while. And for us women, that manifests in the symptoms of anger and jealousy. So the very best dating advice I can give you, for this situation or for any other situation you might find yourself in, if you are feeling those symptoms of anger and jealousy, don’t get mad about it. Sit him down, and say, “I’m feeling this. Can we talk about it? I don’t know why or where it’s coming from, but was wondering if you could help me figure this out, because I don’t want to get mad at you for no reason.”
This helps, and men appreciate this approach over the, “Where the heck have you been all night I’ve been freaking OUT, who were you with???” You, and all other readers may want to review my article on fighting fair, as that gives a lot of tips on dealing with this stuff. Again, it’s completely normal to feel anger and jealous sometimes, you are human. How you deal with those feelings will make all of the difference in what happens next for you in love.
Now, you’ve successfully passed the No Contact Zone, we know this because he contacted you. So what next?
The next step of dating advice that I could give you right now, Hope, is that you are now in a safe place to touch base with him again. I will tell you exactly what to say, but before I do this, it is VERY IMPORTANT that you understand one thing.
You need to contact him with absolutely NO EXPECTATION OR ATTACHMENT TO THE OUTCOME. This is so important. If you attach an expectation to an email or text that you send him, you may end up heartbroken again. If you send him something, not caring how he responds, you will be delightfully surprised at how he moves forward to you. Why? When you don’t care, and they move toward you in your favor, it’s exciting. And you BOTH need that excitement in order to reboot your connection and come together as a couple again.
He hasn’t heard from you in a while, and hasn’t even seen you (Good for you! That must have been so hard!). And so, when he hears from you, he will be pleasantly surprised as well. THIS is going to trigger some of that excitement in him that I just talked about. So what do you say?
You say NOTHING negative. You are going to say something that reminds him how sweet and amazing you are, something that reminds him of you and the reason he fell in love with you. Do you two have an inside joke? Something the two of you shared, open with that and he will be laughing off the bat and it will set a nice tone.
How you contact him will make a difference as well. No phone call, no text. These are very personal methods of contact, and you don’t want to look too personal with this. Remember, you have no attachment to the outcome, you don’t care if you hear back from him or not, and you portray this by sending him a nice quick little email that touches base, and says more in just two or three lines than you could ever say in a phone call.
Here’s what you say, for fun, I’m going to call him Jon.
(Start off with a joke)
“Hi Jon. You know, I saw something today that made me laugh and think of you, remember the time…..and such and such happened and we both laughed our tails off? I saw that today and I couldn’t help but laugh my tail off again! Made me think of you and so just wanted to say hi. Thank you for everything you did for me and for the part you played in my life, it will always mean something special to me. I hope you are well. Love, Hope.”
See how this kind of email doesn’t tell him anything about you and your life right now, other than that you saw something on a particular day. This is called creating mystery. It also tells him something else, that you are grateful for him. He probably is not completely aware of that, given the nature of your fighting. But this tiny little email will speak volumes and will remind him of all of the wonderful things about your relationship, which may well just have him running away from Rebound Girl, and right back into your arms.
If you still want to know how to get him back after this email, drop us some notes in the comments Hope and let us know how this goes, and how it makes you feel. We’re ALL rooting for you, and can’t WAIT to hear what happens next! Good luck!
