There are two kinds of relationships. There are casual relationships that are just for sex or intimacy. And then there are committed relationships where both partners agree to be exclusive and faithful to each other. In both of these kinds of relationships, you need to have communication with each other in order to ensure that you are both on the same page as to what kind of relationship you are in.
If you have not consented to be in a relationship that is strictly sexual, then you need to either get out of this relationship, or have a conversation with the other party and re-define the boundaries in your relationship. The sad thing is, many women find themselves in sex only relationships that they did not consent to be in. And this is the relationship advice that we are giving today. What do you do in this situation?
The answer will always be communication. And if you don’t like the way that conversation goes, then you go into the No Contact zone.
There is nothing wrong with being in a relationship that is strictly sexual, so long as you both have had the conversation that is required to set those boundaries. And if you have not, then you need to have that conversation. And if you have not, and he’s treating you as if those are the boundaries and your relationship, then you still need to have that conversation. In fact, if that is the case, the only step you can take to save your relationship is to have that conversation.
Nobody deserves to be used for intimacy. At the same time, there’s nothing wrong with those kind of relationships, if that is clearly defined. But when it is not, is when I hear from the other party that is sad and confused and feeling used. So this is what our reader is asking us about today. Have a look at Christina’s question.
Should I leave this relationship? for his birthday, He wants to get a motel for a few hours and go back before it gets dark back to his daughter. And he said “He will tell his daughter, that he’s going out for his birthday by himself !!!!
I’m hurt and confused Christina
Before I say anything about Christina’s question, I want to say, that I try to give relationship advice to help you succeed in your relationships and love affairs, but I really am not in the position to make life-changing decisions for you. So my relationship advice is geared to helping you decide what you can do to take control of your relationships. I can gladly give you dating advice on what decisions would be best for you, but I can’t at the end of the day tell you what to do. So Christina’s question is, should I leave him?” My answer to that is, it really is up to you.
Do You Know What Kind of Relationship You Are In?
Knowing what I have said about the two kinds of relationships that exist will help you come to this decision. The first thing you need to do, Christina, is take inventory on what the status of your relationship is. Are you behind door number one, or are you behind door number two? Or are you behind the very confused door number three that we see in so many of our readers lives? This is that confused area where you’re having sex with him, but you’re not sure if it’s going to go somewhere.
My relationship advice for those that are standing behind door number three, which I suspect is a lot of you, is to clarify the boundaries in your relationship with the other party. Just ask him. I know that it sounds easier said than done, trust me. But that’s the only way you’re going to get out of confuses door number three.
I can’t tell you whether you should leave him or not, because I don’t know what your relationship goals are, I don’t know what his relationship goals are, and I don’t really know what the feelings are in the situation. But what I can tell you, is that if you are not being treated the way that you want to be treated in love, you absolutely can take control of that situation and get your power back. And you absolutely should!
You Are In Control of Your Romantic Destiny
I have to be honest, I’ve never quite heard of a situation like this that you described, that wasn’t usually consensual. And it sounds to me like you’re having problems with it, so it’s clearly not a situation where two consenting adults are concerned. Now that does not mean I think he’s forcing himself on you. But I do think he may be forcing you to have a kind of relationship that you don’t really want to have. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be writing to me and you’d be perfectly happy going to motel rooms with the guy that wants to do everything in the dark and in secret.
So now that we have had the usual talk about defining boundaries, and deciding what you want in loving relationships, now you want to know what you can do about this. And there is a lot that you can do!
First, get into the No Contact zone with him. Do not wait, do that today. Send him a very loving and kind text or email that thanks him for all the great times. But bring to his attention that the current situation is in a place that you don’t want it to be, and that you’re not comfortable with that. Tell him you are yourself going to “go dark” for a little while. Then tell him, if he ever finds himself on the same page as you relationship wise, to give you a call, and that you’ll be very happy to hear from him if he does.
Those few steps are going to take care of all of your relationship problems with this particular gentlemen who seems to only want you for one thing. I would recommend that you read some of our relationship advice articles on what to do during the No Contact zone, and what you do after the No Contact soon when you both have had time to think about where your relationship has had it. I also recommend you have a look to see how to know when it’s time to walk away.
And as always, please do drop us a line and follow up with us on how the situation went. Dear readers how do you handle situations where you’re both on different pages in terms of relationship status? Dear Christina, I think you can make him miss you. But I don’t think you should go back to him unless he’s really on the same page as you. So set those boundaries, and let us know how this goes.