Dating Advice: No Contact Period Instructions to Get Your Boyfriend Back

When it comes to relationship advice, we all love to read it. Then we file it away and hope we never have to use it. But life is life, and no relationship is perfect. Nope. Not even the ones that have gone on for fifty plus years. When we remember that the root word in relationships is “relate,” we will have better relationships. Waiting for something to happen to you in your love life will leave you with a very sorrowful love life. How are you “relating” in your personal relationship experience right now? If that needs some work, it might be time to dig into the files of your archived relationship advice inside you, and start putting it to work. It might be time for you to become the captain of your romantic Destiny.

One piece of relationship advice that many readers, and many women everywhere, struggle with, is the “No Contact Period” after a breakup or separation. Women just want to fix what is wrong so they can have things go back to the way they were. Am I right? Sound familiar? The “No Contact Period” seems too difficult. But we get readers touching base all of the time letting us know that it works! You just have to work it. You have to be in charge of your relationship Destiny, and be the one pulling the strings in your life. But how do you do that?

As far as the No Contact Zone is concerned, it’s very simple. You just have to have no contact for about 30 days. It’s easier said than done, I know. We have a reader who is struggling with this. So today we are going to go step by step and review how to engage the No Contact Zone. Time for you to be in charge! Here’s Ruvimbo’s story.

Hi Michelle … I broke up with my boyfriend weeks ago but i have been texting on a weekly basis begging trying to straighten things up till he told me yesterday I’m acting desperate and I’m pushing him further away. I love him we broke up because he said he wanted to be alone we dated for 5 months we had fun and I felt like he was the one. After the broke up always tried not to contact him but I ended up doing so. Is there any hope that I can get him back. Ruvimbo.

Hi Ruvimbo, thanks for touching base! Your biggest challenge here is staying in the No Contact Zone. He’s giving you valuable information here – you are contacting him too much. It’s your job now to “relate” to him in a way that makes him happy, and you happy. Right now you are relating to him in a way that makes you both miserable. So it’s time to stop your current way of doing things, and try something new.

As for your question on hope, I have some thoughts for you. We are not in the business of selling hope. Just sound relationship advice that you can and should use. I don’t know this individual well enough to know where he stands or how he feels. But if you were together for five months, I suspect there are some feelings there from him. Feelings never just go away. So I would take that a step further and say there is always hope in relationships, where real feelings preside. Whether that is your situation or not right now remains to be seen.

But the truth is, whether there is hope or not, is not your biggest problem. You are not happy. He is giving you information that reflects that he is not happy. So how can we fix this? You need to enter the No Contact Zone in a way that brings you back to your happy place. When you find that YOU are in charge of what happens next, you will see a LOT of that happy place return. Follow these steps for the No Contact Period, to the letter, do not waiver, and within time you will begin to feel easier.

1. Delete him from your phone, email, Facebook, Twitter, everything.

If you don’t have his contact information, it makes it that much more difficult for you to contact him, right? Do not block him when you do this. Just dis-engage and make him invisible for a little while. You can use the “mute” feature on Twitter if you don’t want to delete him completely, and he won’t even know you did it. You can “unfollow” on Facebook, or add him to another list of friends on your Facebook so that you don’t see his posts. Not being exposed to these things, while you are trying to clear your head in the No Contact Zone is going to help you tremendously. But you have to actually do it!

Remember, you are not deleting him forever. You are just putting him aside for now, to help him, and to help YOU, be a happier person relating in this experience.

2. Do NOT visit his social media pages.

This is an extension of the previous bit of relationship advice. Unfollowing him or putting his information aside for a little while is great. But if you are unfollowing him, and then creeping his Facebook every day just to get your daily fix, this is not the No Contact Zone. So this step is worth an extra mention. Do NOT visit his social media pages. The goal of the No Contact Zone is not just to give you both a little space and breathing, but it’s to clear your head from the distraction of the pain in this relationship. So, just, let that go for a little while. Remember, this is not forever. And don’t beat yourself up about any of it either. We’ve ALL creeped an ex’s Facebook at one point.

3. Take your life back for 30 days.

They say old habits die hard and when we are trying to get rid of them, we need to replace them with something else. So find something to do now that replaces the time you have spent contacting him, texting him, creeping his social media. Replace it with something fun, something that fills you with joy. Many experts say to break habits you need to be doing some replacement for at least two weeks. This is why I have the No Contact Zone for 30 days. That extra two weeks really makes a difference.

Start a new fitness program, join a club or pick up a new hobby, spend more time with your friends, get a new job, spend more time with YOU. I also encourage you to read some of our older stories to help you feel uplifted during this 30 days, which may be stressful for you.

Have a look at the Top 3 Dating Mistakes you may be making, and see if that helps. You may also want to review, “Get Him Back After Pushing Him Away.” Don’t worry so much about him, YOU are your priority now.

Do not under any circumstances contact him during this time frame, if you really want to get your boyfriend back. If you do, you have to start the 30 days for the No Contact Zone all over again.

After 30 days, touch base with him again. If you want. I know some people that reach this point and are having so much fun, and are so happy to be in control of their destiny again, that they don’t even bother. And they hear from him first! This No Contact Period is a powerful tool. When you go from “desperate” to being independent, confident, and in control, it does something with men, because independent, confident, women are very, very attractive.

Right now, he does not want a desperate woman. So, if you want to get your boyfriend back, the best relationship advice I can give you is to show him you are not that person. I know you’re not. Your girlfriends know you are not. So prove it to him. When you do, I believe there is hope and that this is how to get your boyfriend back. Let us know how this works out! Readers, do you have any relationship advice for this friend? Or drop some notes in the comments that let us know how you got your boyfriend back after a situation like this.


Relationship Advice For Rebounders: The Breakup That Won’t Go Away


Ever have one of those relationships that just never went away? Of course you have, or you wouldn’t be here.  What I love about these relationships is that a chronic rebounder is one that actually does have a shot at standing the test of time.  I’m hopeful for all of you.  There’s a lot of push and pull going on here in these ones, but, clearly, something keeps bringing them back.  But in that push and pull period it’s very easy to feel like an elastic band that is wearing out, fast. We have a reader in this very confusing situation. She is seeking relationship advice for a guy that broke up with her, is possibly (likely) seeing someone else, but still keeping her on a string. Can she get her boyfriend back? Let’s have a look at Amrit’s story.

 So me and my boyfriend were together for 4 years and we had an amazing relationship. He loved me a lot and so did I and we would always talk about our future together and getting married one day. Recently just about 2 months ago he broke up with me because he did not want to date. By the way we are both in our senior year of high school right now. So only a week after we broke up he said he lost feelings for me which is ironic because he loved me so much for 4 years and it only took him a week to lose feelings?? Then another week after he said that he starts liking someone else and they both don’t want a relationship at the moment but they kiss and hangout a lot. I have not done no contact yet, I tried to but he always keeps calling me to ask how I’m doing and says he wants to be friends but says he will never get feelings for me again. It’s now been 1.5 months and i still love him a lot, I want him back I just don’t know whether I should give up or not. He shows so many signs that he likes me, he’s constantly calling, always flirty and touchy but then he says he doesn’t have feelings and doesn’t want me to have feelings for him. I’m really confused but for some reason I still have hope that we will get back together I just need some advice. Amrit.

 The first thing that jumps out at me with this one is age. I’m not judging it, but frankly, it is a factor. We have two young teens here, and this is a tough one. But we also have a four year history. High school sweethearts ARE a thing. But they can be a complicated thing. During the high school years our frontal lobes of the brain are not fully formed yet. This is the part of the brain that helps us make sound decisions, like an executive of a big company.  It helps us to see the consequences of our actions, and future plan so that we don’t make bad choices.

One of the reasons teenagers do a lot of silly things and get in trouble or find themselves confused in love is because their frontal lobe is simply not formed completely yet. So your executive function isn’t exactly in optimum condition. That’s not a bad thing. It just is what it is. We have all literally been there.

But when it comes to relationships, what teenagers DO have a lot of is rushing hormones and emotions.  This means most of your relationship decisions will be based on those two factors, instead of rational logic that the frontal lobe your brain provides. And this could give you some problems. So the first piece of relationship advice for sweet Amrit is to take a pause and think more, and feel less. You want to make decisions based on facts and logic, and not on what emotions are clouding your judgement.

The next relationship advice I would offer to Amrit is, if you want to know how to get your boyfriend back, check out this past article about dating mistakes. Are you making one of the Top 3 Dating Mistakes? It sounds like you might be.

You are making yourself too available, expecting too much, and not trusting your Self enough.

This guy is playing cat and mouse with you. He wants to have his cake, and eat it too. That’s not what you want. So you need to communicate this to him if you have not already. You are allowed to want what you want in love. He is allowed to want what he wants too.  He is not allowed to play with your heart.

You are a very smart young lady. You have already decided to launch the No Contact period. Congratulations!  But just because you did that does not mean that he will “get it” right away. Obviously he doesn’t get it as he has tried to contact you anyway.

Remember, the No Contact Period is not about what he needs or wants. It’s about you. It’s about you giving yourself the space to do some big thinking, and also clear your head. So what if he calls when you have made the choice to enter the No Contact zone? That’s on him, that’s not on you. Or at least, it’s not on you unless you pick up the phone.

So, don’t pick up! Send it to voicemail and let it sit there for 30 days.  Or just send him a quick text that sounds like this.

 “Thanks for calling, sorry I didn’t pick up. I just need some space right now, k?  I need to clear my head and really figure out what I want.  I need more, as in, a commitment.  I don’t know if that’s you.  So I just need a few weeks of me time, k? Talk soon.” 

He may or may not text or call back. If he does, leave it. Leave it again. And again, and again, until the 30 days is up. Then YOU choose what happens next. He’s not in the captain’s seat of your love life. YOU are. So what are you going to do next, Amrit? Readers, what would YOU do next?

Dating Advice: What To Do AFTER the No Contact Period Makes Him Miss You

One of the hardest things about relationships is missing someone.  And, as you know, one of the most common pieces of dating advice or relationship advice that I have is, activate a No Contact Rule.  Why? Because it works. If there is only one tool that can make him miss you, it’s making him miss you. And the only way you can do that is through No Contact. That means zero. Zilch. None. Period. No matter how much he texts you or Facebook messages you or calls and leaves the pleading voicemails.

If he’s doing that, you have proof that you are winning in the “make him miss you” stage.  If he’s not contacting you, but you do have a history, he’s still thinking about you. That’s why the No Contact component of the Make Him Miss You mission is SO successful.  When you aren’t easy to get to, he wonders.  It’s human nature!

But that 30 day period of No Contact is really hard. I get it. While you are making him miss you, you are missing him. Dreadfully.  But what next? We have a reader who is doing very well with the No Contact rule, and just needs to know what to do when that is complete. We get this question all the time. So today I want you to see what happens when the No Contact Rule actually works. We have one reader who is about halfway through the process of the No Contact and the “Make Him Miss You” stage. The only relationship advice she needs at this point is, what next. So let’s have a look and see if we can help her out.

 I was dating a guy for a couple months. But the couple months were fast and intense. We went away for a weekend together by our fourth date. We had so much fun together, even the bartenders would come over and say they just enjoyed watching us together and listening to our conversations. It seemed like we had a real connection.  but things were early, we were both open about the fact that we were not exclusive (we were both dating another person). But it seemed like we were spending more time together and he told me he had a better connection with me. He took me to concerts, out on the town, and offered to take me to a patriots game. 3 days before the game, he texted me and told me he was so sorry but his dad was coming into town unexpectedly (from GA to MA) and he was going to have to take him instead. I was pissed but didn’t lash out. Just told him no, he couldn’t make it up to me. Good luck and have a nice life basically. I was pissed because as a nurse that works every other weekend, had to make a bunch of switches to go to the game and he knew that. I also assumed he would try to win me back instead of accepting the boot.

Then on Facebook (relationship killer, i know)  I saw that his dad tagged both the guy and another girl in thanking them for a great weekend. When I asked who the girl was, he explained it was the other girl he was seeing and no, he did not take her to the game in my place, he had taken her to the Red Sox and she met his dad with him for a few drinks. I unleashed. Totally went nuts and it went back and forth between, he didn’t want to see me, yes he did, I didn’t want to see him, yes I did. The convo ended with him buying tickets to a concert for us. Being embarrassed about how crazy I went, I ended up cancelling on the concert. I assume he took the other girl instead.

2 days of no contact, i sent him an apology text about how crazy I went and how sorry I am, and that I was just so stressed from court (with my ex) and I would hope he’d be up for getting a beer with me later in the week. I also said, I hope to hear back from you, but if not, good luck with everything and that I genuinely meant that. I didn’t hear back from him. That was now 6 days ago.

I deleted him from my Facebook and unfollowed him on Instagram because I didn’t want anything else popping up on my newsfeed. He still follows me on Instagram and snapchat so I’ve tried to keep my posts to a minimum.   I will continue the no contact rule, because 1- it’s the only way I’m going to make him miss me and 2- he may not want to hear from me anyway. but I feel like I need someone to tell me exactly how it is. Do I text him in a month to say hi? Or do I just leave it and lose one of the greatest connections I felt I’ve ever had?  Sincerely, Kristine

 Let’s all stop and give Kristine a big round of applause for making it this far in the No Contact Period. We know he still has feelings or he wouldn’t still be following you on social media. So there’s something here to work with. The next few weeks are the hardest, because you want to text him or call so badly, but are still in that zone.

What you’ve done right so far….

Don’t succumb to folding the No Contact Zone.  Kristine is being smart here about what she is posting on social media, so she doesn’t send any wrong or mixed messages to someone that she cares about very deeply.  She has owned her part in the relationship, and the relationship demise. She has apologized, and tried to move past it.

When it comes to fixing past mistakes, that’s all you can do. What he does with it from this point forward is on him, not you. So you’ve done everything, and by that I mean everything, right so far. You’ve been very clear in your intentions, as has he, and you two clearly know how to communicate to each other. It’s okay to get upset with him sometimes. That’s called being human. But you’ve both demonstrated your ability to be clear and real with each other. That’s a huge relationship accomplishment in itself! Thank you for serving as a good example to all women seeking dating or relationship advice in similar situations.

So that’s what you’ve done right. I am not going to take a leap and say you have done anything wrong, either. You have done everything right. So let’s have a look at your next question.

What do I do after the No Contact Zone?

The one thing to do after the No Contact period is up is to touch base. Once you are past the 30 day mark, you are out of the zone. You can feel free to contact him. Follow your heart here. I can give you a sample text to use, but I think you’ve got this one covered. Invite him for a drink if you are feeling bold and that is what your heart is telling you to do. Or just send a text that just says, “Hey, remember me? Been thinking about you and wondering how you’ve been.”

If you are feeling even more bold than that, bring up the commitment issue. What have you got to lose? Well, if he doesn’t want the same thing, you might lose him. For now. But after a month of you making him miss you, things may be different for him now. And if he doesn’t want the same thing, now you know you don’t need to waste more time on him. Thank him for the learning experience of an awesome connection, and move on to find the guy that will give you an even better one, a committed one.

But I have a hunch that this guy may surprise you. Check out our instructions on How to Get Your Ex Back AFTER the No Contact Period. See? Your question is more common and relatable than you think. Let us know what you decide to do, and how it goes for you! Readers, do you have anything to add to this relationship advice?


What to Do When the Relationship is On Again Off Again?

If relationships were cut and dry and black and white then what the world needs now wouldn’t be love, sweet love.  If they were like this, all of the love that is in the world would be exactly where it should be, when it is supposed to be there.  But the truth is that the human variable complicates matters greatly.  Today we are going to touch on that ever elusive concept of….mixed signals.

Anyone that has ever broken up with someone knows just how complicated relationships are.  Even the most cut and dry breakups are anything but.  Complicated, complex, deceiving, and very frustrating.  When breakups happen, a host of feelings are still there.  Just because you broke up with someone, or someone broke up with you, does not make those feelings go away.  Like many elements and molecules in life, love can not be created or destroyed.  It is just there, waiting to be tapped into.

So when a break happens, or a split, breakup, separation, whatever you want to call it, you still have those feelings, you are just sort of in this place where you’re not really supposed to have them anymore.

And guess what?  The other person has them too.

Even so, something happened where you are in this space.

This is exactly why I keep referring to the No Contact Rule.  This period fresh from a breakup is when women, and men too, get so easily caught up in those emotions that never went away after the breakup.  Having the No Contact Zone will take a lot of confusion out, AND eliminate any possibility of a mixed signal.

The situation of mixed signals was addressed by one of our readers, who asks, how do I get him back while he is still in contact with me.  Here’s what she says:

Hey Michelle 🙂

First of all, I like your posts very much!

But I’ve got an important question: My boyfriend and me we ( I’m sorry I don’t know the English word) decided to have a break ( but didn’t really break up) we just needed some time and space. The problem is, since then we never got to make up again. We both know, that we still love each other. And when we meet or talk it’s just like we’re  a couple again but we aren’t. It’s always an off-and-on. Sometimes we have much contact and call and write ( or meet) us every day, and sometimes we don’t hear from each other for 2 weeks.

And that have been the situation for 9 months.

So now I wanted to ask you, what would you do next? I really love him and want him back!
But officially and for more than just some weeks.

I hope you can help me.

There is much more here than meets the eye at first.  For starters, let’s deal with the breakup.  You are calling it a break, and that’s okay.  We all do what we need to do when we need to do it to get over the pain.  However, you are not being 100% honest with yourself here.  You discuss this relationship as if it is still an active relationship and that you are still a couple.  Sit down for a minute while I help you work this out.

Here’s one thing you need to know right now.

You aren’t still a couple.  Real couples don’t go for weeks without speaking to each other, for a period of nine months.  I can’t help but wonder, WHY are you letting this drag out?  You have just given nine months of your life waiting for a guy that may never come back to you.  I know that hurts to hear, but it is the truth.  You are not on a break, you have broken up, and he is obviously a nice enough guy to stay in touch with you.  Why? He had feelings for you once.  But if you were The One, he would have gotten back together with you before now.

Here’s what I think is happening. 

He is stringing you along just in case he feels at some point that he made a bad decision breaking up with you, and he has you to fall back on.  You say that you still love each other, but has he actually told you this?

If you want a man in your life, officially, and for more than just a few weeks, you have to ask for that by teaching people how to treat you.  What would I do in this case?

Here’s what I would do.

Kick the No Contact Zone into full gear, but do not do so without explaining to him why.  The reason for this is that you can’t just cut him off now after having taught him that it is okay to stay in touch with you. So, touch base with him, and then YOU break it off with HIM.  That’s right, it sounds like it is a clean break, because it is.  But you transfer the power from him who is currently calling all of the shots, to YOU calling all of the shots.

You just need to explain to him what you want.  You want him back for good and officially, or you don’t want him at all.  Then, you go into the No Contact Zone for 30 days, do not email, call, text, or even look at him on Facebook.  Clean Break.

This gives him a chance to miss you.  You haven’t given him that chance yet.  Only when a man is truly given this opportunity to miss you, will he decide for himself whether or not you are truly the one he wants to be with. He can’t do that if you are always contacting him, even if the contact is good.  Cut him off, breakup with him, and go your separate ways, and see the magic work for yourself.

Good luck, and keep us posted! Readers, if you have any advice or tips that I haven’t covered for this dear reader, drop ‘em in the comments!

Also, I invite you to check out my best relationship tips for women