Relationship Advice for Long Distance Relationships: The No Contact Rule Worked!

By

HOw to get your boyfriend back long distance relationshipsWe love hearing about how our relationship advice for women works! And believe it or not, as often as we get sad questions of confusion, we do often get letters where our dear friends are telling us that the No Contact rule is working, and that the man is missing them. Such is the case for our friend Nancy today, who is in a long-distance relationship. He has already let her know that he misses her! Woo hoo! Good for you, Nancy!  But, what next?

The rules when you want to know how to get your boyfriend back when you are in a long distance relationship are a little more complicated then when he’s staring you in the face every day. And when you’re in a long-distance relationship, the No Contact rule is a lot easier to do. This is something that Nancy has discovered, and it has worked out very well for her.  Nancy, I want to congratulate you on sticking it through, and working out this No Contact rule. You are doing everything right, girlfriend!

But Nancy is finding herself in that gap where the No Contact rule is over, and she wants to know how to get her boyfriend back. Communication and contact has resumed, and she just doesn’t know what to do now. She is confused, and not sure where this relationship is headed.  And this is the predominant theme in long distance relationships. Here is Nancy’s story.

Hi Michelle,

I was dating my ex for six months ( we were long distance ). He became distant and cold so when I ended it I initiated No Contact.  I stayed very strong.  Now, completely textbook, he’s sending me messages about how much he misses me etc.   yet when I respond, he vanishes again.  He says he’s scared because he can’t relocate ( he lives in Denver).  So I don’t know how to bridge the gap now since I cut him off for thirty days.   He wrote me a nice text message about how I was his inspiration and how he was scared of the future with me since he couldn’t relocate and I responded back that I had to take care of myself and the relationship had become toxic.  I feel like he’s friend zoning me now with texts.  How do I stay out of ‘pen pal status’?  When I say I miss him also…..I don’t really hear from him which makes me feel like he’s still playing games .  The push pull.  When I’m available…..he takes it for granted.  When I cut him off…..he’s sad and missed me.  Ugh.  Now I haven’t heard from him in ten days and ironically I’ll Be in Denver  next week for work.  I want to reach out but all my friends say ‘don’t you dare!!!’  Help!!

Feeling confused and sad. Nancy

 

We have a lot of information about this relationship from this short note. Here we have two people who very clearly care about each other.  And they miss each other! You would almost think that this is the perfect relationship. As Nancy says, the No Contact rule worked like a textbook picture for her. And this is wonderful. What this tells us is that all hope is not lost here.

What I can also see from this short note, Nancy, is that there are two things that you need in order to find satisfaction in this relationship. So first off, you need some relationship advice on how to navigate long-distance relationships, when you both care about each other very much. The second thing you need to figure out, is what you actually want from this relationship. I am not quite sure that you know what you want here. You seem torn to me, but that’s not a bad thing. I think in every relationship we experience that at some point during the course of the relationship. And when you add the complication of a long distance relationship to the mix, it’s very easy to feel torn.

Should you stay or should you go?

This is not a question that I can answer for you, Nancy. This is a question that you need to answer yourself. But, having been in this situation before, I can give you a few tips and clues on how to sort this one out. For starters, you need to really think about this person, what they mean to you, and how badly you do or do not want them in your life.

When you undergo that time of reflection to really soul search and come up with that answer, I want you to take the distance out of the equation. Just do this soul-searching on the basis of this guy alone. Can you see yourself or your life without him? If so, then you know what you need to do. But if you can’t, then you also know what you need to do.

If you want things to progress here, my suggestion is that you sit him down for a skype session and just hash it out with him one way or another.  Check out our 7 ways to find intimacy with your partner first, so that you are emotionally in the right place.  Then, send a teaser text or email to gauge his temperature on the relationship and see how he responds. It could be a cute quote meme from the Internet, or just some brief but minor thoughts letting him know that you think of him and miss him. While you wait for his response, check out some of our articles on what to do after the No Contact Zone is over, and how to use that time during the No Contact Zone.

I agree with your friends, a trip to Denver out of the blue may not be the best idea. Yet. Not doing so is one way to make him miss you. You don’t want to be too available for him just yet without knowing what he really wants. But you can learn how to get your boyfriend back by just taking a few simple but casual steps that will let him know your interested.

I have hope for your case. I think in this situation he may respond exactly how you want him to. He already has before! And do let us know how this one turns out. Dear Readers, what do you think Nancy should do? How do you keep the sparks alive in your long distance relationships?

Dating Advice for Women: How Can I Make Him (My Neighbor) Miss Me?

By

Relationship Advice For Dating NeighborsWhen it comes to dating and relationships, we have all at one point or another needed dating advice when it comes to situations where we are confronted with the person after the relationship ends. Some examples of that would be like office romances, dating your neighbor, or getting involved with someone you met at a club like beach volleyball that you keep running into over and over again. This is one of the beautiful things about online dating for many, as it takes this right out of the equation and solves some relationship problems before they even begin.

But many women are still dating the old-fashioned way, and dating people that they just happened to meet when they share life circumstance. Well, one of our readers has run into a bit of a pickle with this. She was dating her neighbor, now she’s not, and now she’s stuck in this really awkward situation. Here’s Violet’s story.

Hi

I was in a very brief relationship with a neighbor, it ended because he was not upfront with me about the things he wanted from our relationship and we would have many arguments because he was telling me one thing but in reality wanted something else. After we broke up I reached out to him a couple of times and that created more problems. Also us being neighbors didn’t help as we both have neighbor friends and told them what happened so now people talk about it. Now he has hard feelings towards me. How can I change that and earn his respect? I think the best I can do is be indifferent and let him see I’m happy, maybe him seeing me with someone else. Am I right? Violet

I love it when readers answer their own questions! And I love that you come to us for relationship advice to seek validation on the choices that you are making in your relationships.  As you can see, this is exactly what Violet has done here.

How to Gain a Man’s Respect

Her first question is, how do I make him respect me? Well if we could bottle up this answer and sell it we would all be millionaires, and we would all be happy in love. But the fact remains, that you can’t make anyone respect you. That is a choice that they all have to make on their own. Can you nudge them in the direction of respecting you? Absolutely. And the answer to that is, be someone worth respecting.

Obviously, there have been a few problems with this tactic along the way, as now the neighbors are talking about you, and he’s all upset about what’s going around the neighborhood. Give him that.  I wonder, have you apologized for this?  That could be a huge step for both of you, in having a meeting of the minds when it comes to this relationship. He may be harboring some feelings or resentment because he might feel that you don’t care that his feelings were hurt but this got about town.  So for you, Violet, I would start with a very sincere and heartfelt apology that your relationship with him hit the rocks because you were excited to be with him. And that’s exactly how I would phrase it too!

Men Like to be Bragged About

Here’s the other catch. Most guys that are serious about love don’t mind being bragged about.  So I really wonder how serious he was about you to begin with. Maybe, he got upset with you because he was only using you and didn’t want the world to know.  And as Oprah would say, that’s a whole other show.

So if I were you, Violet, I would say that you still need to apologize to him, but apologize for hurting him. Tell him you didn’t think it would upset him for some neighbors to know that you guys were dating. Ask him why it hurt him so much if you are so inclined. Acknowledge, except, and validate his feelings.  And own your part in it. But it’s really not the end of the world if you talk to people about your relationship, unless you’re Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and a global crisis actually arises when your relationship is discussed.

I’m guessing, Violet, that you are not Angelina Jolie.  So personally, I don’t think you meant anything wrong by discussing your relationship with other people. But he has been hurt over it, then it is definitely a responsibility to own up and just take the responsibility there for his feelings. You can do it by saying this:

“Hey, just wanted to touch base real quick and let you know that I have been thinking about us and my role and what caused us to break up. I want to sincerely apologize to you for anything that I did that hurt you or upset you when people got wind of what was going on with us. I just want you to know, that I think you are pretty awesome and worth bragging about, and that’s the only reason I did that. But I am sincerely sorry if I hurt your feelings.  I would love it if we could start off on a fresh slate and put this all behind us. What do you think? I’m going to reflect on this for a little while and would love to hear from you.”

And leave it at that. Yes, to answer your question about being indifferent to him, that is absolutely what you need to do now. And yes, let him see that you are happy. And if you want to go on dating other people, then by all means do so. But do not enter any relationship with anybody else for the sole purpose of making your neighbor jealous. No. That is not how you were going to make him miss you, that is how you were going to make him happy that you guys broke up.

Maybe you needed to break up, and maybe there is someone out there that’s a little bit better for you. But maybe you just need a cooling off period.  The best relationship advice that I could give you, Violet, is to just own your part in his feelings, but still take the steps you need to start to be happy. Cool off a little bit with him, and give him a chance to think about this too. Check out our articles on what to do during and after the No Contact zone, and go out and live your life.  Have a look to see if you are making one of the 3 common dating mistakes.  Dear Readers, did I miss anything?  Let Violet know what you would do in the situation. Have you ever dated a neighbor? What was the awkies scale on that?

 

Relationship Advice – How to Know If There’s Hope to Get Your Boyfriend Back

By

When you have been with someone for many years, something happens to you as individuals and as a couple.  Being with someone for years creates a bond, and in addition to relationship chemistry there is actual brain chemistry that supports this. When a couple is intimate, and I’m not just talking about physical things, but when they spend years getting closer to each other, the brain releases a hormone known as “Oxytocin.”  This is a hormone that is responsible for humans pair-bonding, in a loving, and intimate way that has nothing to do with physical matters.

So when these relationships break up, the question of “hope” is all the more confusing.  Is there hope for these kinds of relationships? In these kinds of relationships, there is ALWAYS hope. So if you are trying to get your boyfriend of many years back, there is always hope. Today we are going to talk about what to do with that hope. We have a reader who is wondering if, after 2 years, there is hope. Here’s Yadira’s story.

My ex boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago.  We were dating for 2 years and 4 months, before he broke up with me we would argue a lot.  It was mostly me. I was arguing because he wouldn’t care anymore not like he use to. idk why I argued most of the time but we always argued the weekend before he broke up with me we get in a huge fight and I thought we were fine. He seemed a little distance but he always told me that he will always find his way back. But on a Wednesday night he broke up with me out of nowhere I was so confused and lost. He promised me he was going to marry me he said I was the one that he loved me so much. I saw how much he loved me but he said he couldn’t do it anymore that he didn’t love me anymore. I begged I cried for about two months. I tried everything to win him back he kept telling me the same thing that he didn’t want me that he didn’t want a relationship. We would still kiss and he would sometimes act like he was my boyfriend cuddling with me and saying sweet things but the next day he would blow me off he confused me so much. I recently said goodbye to him I apologized for anything I did for everything j did to make him not want me. I’m so hopeless I’m letting go but I still have hope. I just don’t know what to do should I move on should I have hope ? Yadira

 Thank you for your letter, Yadira.  I think you know the answer to this, but let’s break this down. First, congratulations on handling everything maturely thus far. You have owned your part of the breakup, and for that reason you are to be congratulated. Some people go their whole lives and never figure out what went wrong, and blame the other person entirely. You have passed that stage of maturity. And in this world, that means you are one step closer in getting your boyfriend back.

So far you have done everything right. You don’t even need relationship advice. What you need is support and encouragement. And we have OODLES of that here.

So the first thing you need to do from here is find out what zone you are in with him. I can’t tell by reading your letter. He’s kissing you. So you aren’t in the Friend Zone. That right there is clue number one that you have OODLES of hope in this relationship.

But you don’t deserve to be Leftovers Girl. What I mean by that is, Leftovers Girl is the girl he keeps as “leftovers” when he can’t get a fresh, hot piece of the pie on another night. He comes to you. This is not fair. You are not a Yo-Yo.

You know this. You’ve done all the right things by telling him goodbye.  You’ve officially launched the No Contact Zone.

What you need to do now is stay on that course.  Do not call him, text him, email him, respond to him on Facebook, like one of his posts, anything.  Put all of those on Mute or Do Not Disturb for the next 30 days. For the next 30 days, you do you.

If he wanted to marry you once, there is something there. But he’s kind of taking advantage the fact that you have been together for so long, and you’ve given him so many chances.  So stop giving him chances, for now. For the next 30 days. I recommend you have a look at a reader that went through this over the holidays:  Relationship Advice When You Feel Hope is Lost. I think it could help you. You may also want to look at our article on what to do after the No Contact Period.

In the meantime, stay in the No Contact Zone. Live your life and be fabulous.  What happens after that is up to you. If you want to send him a casual, and breezy text or email, do so. Keep it short. Keep it simple. Send him an interesting article or video and ask him what he thinks. You’ve opened the door. See if he walks through it. You absolutely have hope. And I do too! I hope you let us know how this one turns out! Readers, what would you do in this situation?

How to Get Your Ex Back….When You Feel That Hope is Lost.

By

I know how difficult the holidays can be when you are missing someone like crazy. Been there. I also know that it is next to impossible to miss someone to the point of heartache during the holidays and be the only person feeling that. Always remember ladies that if you are missing someone like crazy, the chances are all better than not that they are feeling the same way, ESPECIALLY during the holidays. It’s just the way the laws of attraction and love work. The holidays are that one time of year when you remember traditions, people, and everything that is really important to you in life. So it can be a tough time, but you are not alone. This I know.

I get a lot of letters from women that feel this missing period is never going to end. They write in feeling like hope is lost, and asking for anything that can help them stop feeling this way, and feel better. I wouldn’t be here trying to help you with relationship advice and make him miss you if I thought hope was lost for any of you. I firmly believe that love is never lost, it is only ever replaced, but it can always find its way back again.

But I also know how normal it is to feel in that place where it truly does feel like there is no hope, that place where you almost consider moving on. It really stinks! But the truth is, moving on, in your own unique way, is what is absolutely necessary for that love to find its way back to you again. That’s why the No Contact Zone is so important.

The universe has given you a wake up call, angels closing doors as my grandmother would say. Something’s not working and it’s time for a time out. So take it!

It’s the best thing you can do for yourself. And your relationship. You deserve healing time and focusing on the wound is not going to help your case. At all. Ever. No man ever wants to keep hearing about how sorry you are and how you just want to explain to him one last time.

Even if you are the daughter of Mother Theresa and look like Jennifer Aniston, no man is ever going to take you back under those circumstances because the only purpose that serves is constant reminder of the pain. That he caused. He doesn’t want that reminder, he wants to remember you as a sweet girlfriend where things just didn’t work out and it was nobody’s fault.

Trust me, it sucks for him too. But you may be too busy sitting in your own pain and grief to have the fortitude to take the role of the other and just see his side for just a second. It’s hard, I know, I’ve been there. He may be a “man”, but despite the fact that he shows his feelings differently than you do, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them. You just don’t see them the same way you see yours, or your girlfriends. So that’s when you have to watch his reactions to you, especially those after the breakup, and mirror them. That is what you need to do to begin getting back into that sync with him.

When you are trying to get your boyfriend back, the first thing you want to do is whatever you can to fix the situation. But a nasty moment or conversation is probably the reason he broke up with you, so why would you remind him of that as much as you possibly can? What will the end result be?

Driving him away.

But when you make the choice to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find YOU again, you pull away from him just enough to get him to start noticing you are gone. That he isn’t the center of your world anymore. And that you are an awesome amazing person doing all of these awesome amazing things, without him. That’s when he starts to remember what an awesome amazing girlfriend you were too, and those seeds of attraction begin to kernel again.

If there is a true love there and the two of you were meant to be together, the love is never lost. It will always find its way back again. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve seen the prescription roll out for itself, and it’s even happened to me as well. Hope is never lost.

We have a reader who needs some encouragement in this area. Here’s what she has to say:

Hi Michelle,

This is going to be a long one, I hope you can bear with me as I’m in dire need of some good advice from someone who knows a thing or two about relationships, so far, the advice from my friends and relatives isn’t giving me a clear head to look towards the future.

I was with my boyfriend for two years, he was amazing to me in every way, we planned a future together and really loved each other, but there were some problems that kept us from going that extra step, from realizing out full potential as a couple. A little background, we are both 27 years old, we’ve known each other since we were in junior high, we dated when we were 12(junior high sweet hearts), we dated briefly when we were 18 again, and then reconnected when we were both 25 and had a better go at it that time around.

When we initially started dating I had recently gotten out of a 5 year relationship that left me with a lot of bitterness and sadness, I was just starting to pick myself up again when HE, the man I always wondered about came back in my life. It was amazing really, like all starts of a relationship I was filled with hope for the future and he seemed to be very serious about reconnecting and having a relationship with me, my only concern with him was his previous behaviour, having known him since we were 12 years old and dating him a couple times when we were younger, I know a lot about him to say he is unlike any guy I’ve met in a sense that he has a very unique way of handling relationships.

I knew that relationships are hard work, sometimes people fight, sometimes it’s harder to keep it together but when two people know what they want and love each other it can work. But this guy, this guy is different, he’s always gone through phases in his life when if he’s unhappy with his personal life he will neglect his relationship, or if things start to get too hard in a relationship or things aren’t going the way he hoped he will check out and emotionally shut down, i’ve experienced this first hand with him before, but I thought since time passed by and we were older and wiser, that it would be worth a shot with him. Having my own issues about my past relationship also did not make it any better, needless to say I took a chance and decided to try it out. It was great, everything I hoped for and more, but after things started going towards the end of the honey moon phase like all relationships and the arguments started, my own unresolved issues from past relationships came up, his own issues came up, and as soon as we knew it we were fighting over petty things. I broke up with him a couple of times, and he did the same, not really meaning it, but just to prove a point, so we would get back together after a couple of days and things would be good again, until something else came up. This was our cycle, and no matter what, we always fell into the same circle of arguments.

It reached a breaking point when he called me and told me it was over, at first I didn’t believe it, but when it finally sunk it all of the damage I had done to our relationship hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I had sabotaged the relationship by letting my unresolved issues from my past relationship keep me in a bitter state. I realized I wasn’t the same person he had fallen in love with. I regret my behaviour, and this time I have been given a new perspective into what it really means to make a relationship work.

When he broke up with me he told me several things that didn’t give me much hope.
1. Things have changed for him
2. He has been unhappy for a while and doesn’t want to force anything
3. Things don’t flow with us, our personalities don’t mix
4. He would like to be friends but he needs time
5. I didn’t make him feel good about himself
6. He thinks two years is enough time to try
7. He’s not in love with me anymore
8. I’m a great girl, but it’s not working

I asked him if he knew it could work between us if he would be with me,and he said of course he would, this is why I don’t understand why he would say he isn’t in love anymore.

After the break up I blamed everything on myself, I texted him pages and pages of apologies and of things I wouldve done differently. I did this for about two days. I left him alone for another two days then texted him again, but this time as if things were normal, friendly, and just asked him about his day, he replied we exchanged a couple of texts then I left him alone for another couple of days. I began to panic and then resumed to texting him my apologies and my regret for another two days after that. I sent another text a couple of days later telling him that I was going to leave him alone and respect his decision because he had told me that when I text him it makes things harder on him as well. After a few days I couldn’t stop thinking of why he hadn’t given me the benefit of seeing him in person so I texted him just to ask him if he would be willing to meet up with me to discuss some things, he replied saying “we’ll see, but please respect my decision.” After that we texted again, in a friendly manner after i initiated the conversation just asking about trivial things…he replied to my messages about every 40 minutes and we exchanged a few texts. After this I have cut down on the times I’ve texted but still messaged him about once a week to see if he’s free to meet up, every time he will only reply with what he’s doing that week and that he’s busy. He hasn’t told me to move on, he hasn’t flat out told me leave him alone…I decided I will try no contact for good this time for at least a month. I’m getting frustrated thta he hasn’t even been able to give me a face to face to tell him so much of what I wanted to tell him. It’s been 6 weeks since the break up and I think after 2 years it’s the least I deserve. I‘m contemplating writing him a letter because there is so much I need to explain to him about what went wrong and how I see thins now. It hurts so much not being able to tell him or see him….I’m stuck in limbo and hoping the NC will still work and I haven’t done too much damage.

Once again I’ve highlighted what I think are the most important sections of the letter, the ones that speak volumes about what should happen next. Dear Reader, put down the cell phone immediately. Put it in the freezer if you have to. Do not send one more text.

You are doing exactly what I just mentioned above is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. You are reminding him of the pain over and over again to get your own ease of guilt from this situation, and you aren’t making him miss you at all. In fact, he’s even out right told you that hearing from you is painful, and yet you keep doing it.

What does that do? It sends the message to him that what he needs isn’t as important as what you need. I know that sucks to hear, but we’ve all done it, so don’t feel like I’m singling you out. If this wasn’t a problem global to the female human race I wouldn’t even print the letter. I would go find a letter that was. We have ALL been the Operations Commander of the text wars, no question about it. But as you know, that is not getting him closer to you, so why would you even consider that? Or better yet, a letter that is carefully written that will be written proof to him for years to come of all of the mistakes that you made in the relationship?

Don’t do it. He gets it. He is not blameless here. If you are taking ownership of all of your stuff, then he is sitting there trying to find a way not to have to take ownership of his stuff too. And that place is not the one that is going to have him crawling back to you. You need to make him miss you to achieve that goal. But as I have said it time and time again, he can’t miss you if he keeps hearing from you.

But you, definitely are not in the hope is lost category. You gave me about 15 different reasons for that in your own letter. You haven’t been dating him for 2 years either by the way. By my calculations it looks closer to 15. Okay give or take some breaks and some coming back togethers, three times already, but this has been going on for 15 years. That is some solid history.

But, getting him back is not going to be helped by reminding him about pain. Reminding him about the good history you have will help, you just can’t do it right away. You NEED to take at LEAST a 30 day No Contact Period, my recommendation is 60 though. Or maybe squeeze it out 45. Can we do No Contact until Valentine’s Day? Then surprise him with something sweet and flirty on Valentine’s Day and take it from there?

I think if you can spend some time on you for a while, do the things you like to do when you are single, and the time will fly. It will be a fun thing to look forward to, and it will definitely make him start to wonder what you’ve been up to. Then he will hear from you after a while, see this sweet, sexy Valentiney thing in his email one day, and he will begin to remember the awesome. Trust me. This is precisely how I landed the sweet gem I am with right now. But it’s not even been close to 15 years for us, so you have a serious advantage here.

Also remember, the two of you together have created the history that you CAN get back together. You already have proven, at least twice by my count, that you keep coming back to each other. There’s a reason for that. And yes you should explore it. But, it’s been 15 years. 45 days of salon time and yoga classes and shopping for a new wardrobe to pick you up isn’t going to suck, is it?

You definitely should not feel like hope is lost. You can get your ex boyfriend back, if you make him miss you. Put down the phone, do not send a letter, do nothing until some serious time has passed. It won’t be easy. Keep writing in and we will help support you through this.

I’ve got a good feeling about this okay, so please do keep us posted! Readers! Did I miss anything? Drop your comments in the box below and let’s help our friend get through this tough time. Always remember dear Readers, no matter how sad things may seem right now, everything is only for a season. Hope your holiday season is beautiful, and bright! Until next year friends : )