Sadly, one of the most common questions that we get here is, “is he just using me for sex?”  My response to that, and any woman that is seeking this kind of relationship advice or dating advice is, well if you have to ask, the chances are generally yes, he is just using you. So today we are going to talk about standards, and how to make them and keep them in your relationships.  This isn’t necessarily a conversation on how to make him miss you, or how to get your boyfriend back. But today’s conversation is going to be all about teaching them how to treat you, so that you find yourself asking this question last and last often, until you stop asking it all together.  Because there’s a very easy fix to this problem.

That is, don’t have sex with someone without a commitment, if that’s not what you want.  If that is what you want, then by all means go for it. Two consenting adults can do whatever they want. But if it’s not what you want, and it happens anyways, you are going to wind up feeling used and abused and emotionally gutted. But if you have those standards in place before hand, you won’t have this problem.

We have a reader who has been ghosted by a guy who, by the looks of it, was in fact just using her for sex.  Then he blew her off. This is called being ghosted.  Nobody wants to be ghosted.  And being ghosted is exactly what it sounds like. You meet someone, you hit it off, sparks fly, one thing leads to another, and then boom. He disappears.  This is what happened to Joanna.

 My husband died so I’m looking for company I ran into someone I use to work with.  He asked me to have sex with him. I said, “Is that all you want?” He said, “You want me don’t you?” I said “yes” cause I do. We had sex, it was amazing but he says he’s busy at work all the time.  I think I should break it off. There’s someone else I know that does have time for me. What do you think Joanna

 So the answer to your first question, Joanna, is that yes, sadly. Yes, he was just using you for sex. There is no man on the planet that works 24 hours a day that is not the President of the United States or some other head of state.  And I really don’t think you’re telling me that this is who you were dating.  I’m sorry to report, but you have been ghosted, my friend.

But it sounds like you have good control of the situation. It even sounds like you have a solution lined up for yourself already. Good for you, Joanna! This is another one of those situations where readers answer their own questions before they come to me. And this speaks to the power of your intuition when it comes to relationships and relationship advice. Always follow that gut feeling!

Yes, Joanna, you should break it off with this person if you are not interested in a casual sex relationship.  I’ve talked more about casual sex relationships before.  If there’s somebody on the line that you think you can have something real with, then by all means go for it. Forget this guy that works so much he doesn’t have two seconds in the day to text you.  Teach him how to treat you, by ghosting him in return. This is not a No Contact rule situation. This is a, forget this guy altogether. He has not earned your worth, and if this is how he treats women, you can cross your name off his list.

What do you do now?

So the next thing you need to do, Joanna, is take control of your own relationships and dating life. This is going to be very hard for you because you have suffered a loss of unconditional love. I am very sorry for your loss, and you have my deepest sympathies. There is no greater stress on the life unit scale than the loss of a spouse or child.  So you have already been through a tremendous emotional roller coaster. The very last thing that you need is to be involved with somebody that takes advantage of this roller coaster ride that you were already on, whether Mr. Ghost is there or not.

A good man will acknowledge your history, acknowledge the fact that your heart is already in a bit of a fragile state, and will take great steps to make sure that he is not the cause of more scars on your heart. And yes, there are good men out there that take the steps!  Your Mr. Ghost is not one of them. So he needs to be kicked to the curb. And what you need to do is raise your standards and not allow anyone into your life that does not meet those steps.

Men Find Women With Standards Sexy

When it comes to intimacy, unless you are ready and capable of having a casual sex relationship, just don’t do it. Don’t turn down the sheets for anybody that isn’t ready to give you a commitment. You’re allowed to say that men!  And believe it or not, men find that very attractive and very sexy. Man love a confident woman that know what they want, that know their worth, and that won’t settle for anything less than their worth.  I can tell already, Joanna, that you know your own worth as well!  But your heart is fragile right now, and you may not trust it as much as you have in the past.

You have been blessed with the gift of unconditional love in your life, and unfortunately experienced the tragedy of losing that. I am very sorry for you that this happened, and please know that my heart goes out to you and it is my deepest wish that you find that unconditional love again.  But you’re not going to find it by engaging in these casual experiences.  So know your worth, and speak your worth to those that want to be a part of your life.

And it sounds like you are already in that right place! This relationship advice applies to anyone that is wondering whether or not they’ve been used for sex, or have been ghosted by a guy that is not treating you your full worth.

You do not have to put up with this! You teach him how to treat you. Give him the No Contact zone permanently!  Find out how to stay true to the No Contact if you are tempted, although I have a feeling you won’t be.

At the same time, when you do this, you teach your self how to treat you too. It’s all about those standards. If they are low, you are going to accept whatever comes along. But judging by the quality and quantity of the letters we get, this is not happening for many of you. It’s okay to put yourself first in relationships. In fact, sometimes this is the best relationship advice that you will ever get. To put you first! This is especially true in those early stages when you are unsure of where you stand with somebody, and you are emotionally invested already, and you’re not sure what to do next.   Treat your Self well, and by so doing you teach him how to treat you too.

One piece of relationship advice for women that I often give when it comes to this concept, because it is so hard for so many of us to do when we love someone, is to consider the situation from a best friend perspective. What advice would you give your best friend if she were in this exact same situation?  Chances are, you would tell this guy that he is not worth her salt, and she needs to move on and find someone that treats her the way she deserves. This is not about finding out how to get your boyfriend back, this is about finding out how to get your higher Self back in relationships, so that you can have the best relationship possible. You may want to look at the 3 common mistakes we’ve all made before.

I hope this helps, Joanna. And I hope to hear from you again and find out how this all worked out for you. So please do drop us a line and let us know! How do you put yourself first and relationships, readers?  Share your stories in the comments below, we do read everyone!