Relationship Advice for Women: How Do I Get My Boyfriend Back After Cheating?

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Make HIm Miss You After CheatingAfter the question of, is he using me for sex, the second most common relationship advice question we cat is, “how do I get my boyfriend back after cheating?”  This is a tough one, and sadly, a question that we all have asked our self at some point in our dating lives. The answer is easy to this, but the actual process of making all of the steps and stars align perfectly for you, is a little bit complicated. So again, today we are not going to talk about how to make him miss you, as much as we are going to talk about rebuilding trust after cheating created some cracks in your relationship.

For some relationships, cheating is a deal breaker. A lot of women have zero tolerance on this, and a lot of men do too. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Again, this is one of those times when having standards in relationships matter. I generally advise women not to stay with a guy that has cheated on them, just because it makes things so complicated. But life is not always as black-and-white as that. And today we have a letter from a reader that illustrates this point exactly, that love is much more complicated than the phrase “once a cheater always a cheater.” When love is involved, things got a little tricky.

So before we look at this letter, the one thing I do want to say is that relationships after cheating can survive. But the most important component required to make sure that happens is that both parties need to be willing to put in the effort. There is no one-size-fits-all answer and how to get your boyfriend back after cheating, when it comes to rebuilding trust. The only way to rebuild trust, is for that party to act in a way that is trustworthy. And if you’re not getting that, then it’s not worth trying to get back together with someone after cheating, or you’re just destined for more heartbreak. But let’s look at this story from our friend Amanda.

This one is pretty long, but I’m in desperate need for advice. So my ex boyfriend and I dated for a year and a half. We started dating in high school (my junior year, his senior year), and then once he went to college, things got complicated. My ex had a scholarship to play football at a college in a different state, and I fully supported him. I was a year behind him so I was still a senior in high school while he was a freshman in college. His first year of college was a rollercoaster for us. We weren’t used to the long distance, so we were on and off.

Well once he came back for that summer, we worked on our relationship to make it stronger so we wouldn’t have the same problems we did his first year of college. However, last October, I found out that he had been cheating on me with some girl from his school. So we broke it off. It was hard, especially because I was so loyal to him and was certain that we would have a future one day. After we broke it off, I made the mistake of texting, calling, mailing, literally anything to get in touch with him to make myself feel better. I forgot to mention, that he was still with the other girl after we broke it off.

 Anyways, around November, I decided to cut contact completely with him because I was making myself look foolish. So we had No Contact at all for 5 months. After 5 months, I received a message from him on social media saying he was sorry. It completely caught me off guard because I thought we would never speak again. I messaged him back, not really saying too much. And then as time went by, we started talking more and more. and it felt like I was catching up with my best friend after so long. Anyways, he told me he broke it off with the other girl because of several reasons and that she was nothing but a rebound, and he continued to tell me how much better I am for him and how he would never hurt me again and stuff like that.

Well he came home in May for the summer, and we decided to meet up and talk. It didn’t really go too well because there were so many emotions and so much has happened. But after talking to him for a while, things were finally becoming better. And I realized that I’m still in love with this guy. Even though he’s done me so wrong, I believe that we can make it through this. However, there’s still something that isn’t right between us. I can’t pinpoint it. But I can feel it. So I told him that we should talk, and he said “what I did was wrong, and I know it is. I just need time to think because I don’t know what to do. Things aren’t the same between us. You don’t trust me. I just need time so I can figure this out” and I sort of feel the same way, but I’m willing to put in the effort to make things better, but I don’t know what to do next.

Anyone can see that we’re in love with each other, but how do we get that same spark we used to have? How do we overcome all of this? I don’t know what to do, and I’m afraid to lose him again. Amanda

This is one of those situations where there is clearly hope for this couple.  The man in this equation has acknowledged his role in the break up, has acknowledged that he misses the girlfriend, and acknowledges that he is the one that needs to take the steps to rebuilding trust.  There is clearly a lot of love in this relationship, or we wouldn’t even be having this conversation today.  And if you have been reading this column for a while, then you know what I always say when love is in the picture. If both parties have a lot of love involved, and both parties are willing to do the work necessary to make it work, you can get your boyfriend back. Have a look at how to achieve greater intimacy with your partner.

This one is going to take a little bit more work from both of them.

Here’s what you did right

For starters, I think you know what you did right. You did all the right things by staying in touch with him, but also keeping your distance at the same time. You gave him some additional chances by meeting up with him and talking with him. It appears that you two both have very good communication skills when it comes to your relationship. So you’ve done everything right.

You taught him how to treat you by not putting up with cheating, you kept your distance when he was with somebody else. This showed him your worth, and that you believe you are worth better than this kind of behavior. And then you gave them a second chance to at least hear him out and listen to his apology and his remorse. Without an apology and without remorse, you cannot survive a relationship where there was cheating. So everything is going very well for you, and you have done nothing wrong.

But there is something wrong.

Another thing that gives me hope for this relationship is that you both acknowledge that there is no easy fix to this relationship. You both acknowledge that something is a little “off”, and you both acknowledge that something needs to change. The thing that is off here, is that you have trust issues with him. And those feelings are warranted.

So if you want to know how to get your boyfriend back, the first thing you need to do is to accept the fact that things will never be completely the same way that they were before. Both of you need to acknowledge and accept this. I have a feeling that you guys are good on the communication front, and will be able to have this conversation. Trying to go back to where you were before the cheating, is going to be counterproductive, and will cause a lot of pain for both of you. So if you really want to make it work, have the conversation and make the decision together to acknowledge that you’ll never go back to that place from before.

Starting from square one.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t be head over heels in love with each other again. You basically need to start from scratch as if you are dating him for the first time again. And if I were you, that is the approach that I would take with him. Just start dating again, and give yourselves both the opportunity to rebuild that trust slowly but surely. It won’t take as long as it would if you just met him, and we’re actually starting from scratch. You guys have a bit of a history here, and you both seem to want to make it work. Those are all really awesome pluses in your favor.  But starting from scratch is the only way you’re going to feel fully confident in your trust of him ever again.

Acknowledge that you are willing to put in the effort to make things better, but you also need to find out if he is. I have a feeling that he is.  But again, you need to have that conversation about how it’s not going to be exactly the way it was before, at least not for a little while. You need to see some actionable steps from him that show you he’s willing to make the effort to gain your trust back.

As for getting that spark back again, you will find that again after this period of starting from scratch. When you start dating again like you just met, you will slowly fall into that zone again.  If you really want to take this up a notch, I would also recommend therapy for you two. If anybody can see that you two are in love with each other, then your relationship would definitely benefit from some relationship advice from a professional that deals with repairing fractured trust. But again, that will take both of you to make that effort.

If you aren’t quite at that stage yet where you could see yourself on a therapist couch with him, then I would just start from scratch and take it slowly. This is one of those situations where Rome was not built in a day.  But you’ve got a solid foundation to build on with this love.

Building trust again after cheating takes effort on both of your parts. If you both are willing to do it, then there is hope for you. I have a lot of hope for you and I’m interested in seeing where this one goes. So make sure you drop us a note, or leave a comment below to let us know what happened with this situation. Dear readers, have you ever been in the situation? How did you rebuild trust when you were hurt by someone that you loved?

 

Dating Advice For Women That Have Been Ghosted

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Dating Advice Relationships Casual SexSadly, one of the most common questions that we get here is, “is he just using me for sex?”  My response to that, and any woman that is seeking this kind of relationship advice or dating advice is, well if you have to ask, the chances are generally yes, he is just using you. So today we are going to talk about standards, and how to make them and keep them in your relationships.  This isn’t necessarily a conversation on how to make him miss you, or how to get your boyfriend back. But today’s conversation is going to be all about teaching them how to treat you, so that you find yourself asking this question last and last often, until you stop asking it all together.  Because there’s a very easy fix to this problem.

That is, don’t have sex with someone without a commitment, if that’s not what you want.  If that is what you want, then by all means go for it. Two consenting adults can do whatever they want. But if it’s not what you want, and it happens anyways, you are going to wind up feeling used and abused and emotionally gutted. But if you have those standards in place before hand, you won’t have this problem.

We have a reader who has been ghosted by a guy who, by the looks of it, was in fact just using her for sex.  Then he blew her off. This is called being ghosted.  Nobody wants to be ghosted.  And being ghosted is exactly what it sounds like. You meet someone, you hit it off, sparks fly, one thing leads to another, and then boom. He disappears.  This is what happened to Joanna.

 My husband died so I’m looking for company I ran into someone I use to work with.  He asked me to have sex with him. I said, “Is that all you want?” He said, “You want me don’t you?” I said “yes” cause I do. We had sex, it was amazing but he says he’s busy at work all the time.  I think I should break it off. There’s someone else I know that does have time for me. What do you think Joanna

 So the answer to your first question, Joanna, is that yes, sadly. Yes, he was just using you for sex. There is no man on the planet that works 24 hours a day that is not the President of the United States or some other head of state.  And I really don’t think you’re telling me that this is who you were dating.  I’m sorry to report, but you have been ghosted, my friend.

But it sounds like you have good control of the situation. It even sounds like you have a solution lined up for yourself already. Good for you, Joanna! This is another one of those situations where readers answer their own questions before they come to me. And this speaks to the power of your intuition when it comes to relationships and relationship advice. Always follow that gut feeling!

Yes, Joanna, you should break it off with this person if you are not interested in a casual sex relationship.  I’ve talked more about casual sex relationships before.  If there’s somebody on the line that you think you can have something real with, then by all means go for it. Forget this guy that works so much he doesn’t have two seconds in the day to text you.  Teach him how to treat you, by ghosting him in return. This is not a No Contact rule situation. This is a, forget this guy altogether. He has not earned your worth, and if this is how he treats women, you can cross your name off his list.

What do you do now?

So the next thing you need to do, Joanna, is take control of your own relationships and dating life. This is going to be very hard for you because you have suffered a loss of unconditional love. I am very sorry for your loss, and you have my deepest sympathies. There is no greater stress on the life unit scale than the loss of a spouse or child.  So you have already been through a tremendous emotional roller coaster. The very last thing that you need is to be involved with somebody that takes advantage of this roller coaster ride that you were already on, whether Mr. Ghost is there or not.

A good man will acknowledge your history, acknowledge the fact that your heart is already in a bit of a fragile state, and will take great steps to make sure that he is not the cause of more scars on your heart. And yes, there are good men out there that take the steps!  Your Mr. Ghost is not one of them. So he needs to be kicked to the curb. And what you need to do is raise your standards and not allow anyone into your life that does not meet those steps.

Men Find Women With Standards Sexy

When it comes to intimacy, unless you are ready and capable of having a casual sex relationship, just don’t do it. Don’t turn down the sheets for anybody that isn’t ready to give you a commitment. You’re allowed to say that men!  And believe it or not, men find that very attractive and very sexy. Man love a confident woman that know what they want, that know their worth, and that won’t settle for anything less than their worth.  I can tell already, Joanna, that you know your own worth as well!  But your heart is fragile right now, and you may not trust it as much as you have in the past.

You have been blessed with the gift of unconditional love in your life, and unfortunately experienced the tragedy of losing that. I am very sorry for you that this happened, and please know that my heart goes out to you and it is my deepest wish that you find that unconditional love again.  But you’re not going to find it by engaging in these casual experiences.  So know your worth, and speak your worth to those that want to be a part of your life.

And it sounds like you are already in that right place! This relationship advice applies to anyone that is wondering whether or not they’ve been used for sex, or have been ghosted by a guy that is not treating you your full worth.

You do not have to put up with this! You teach him how to treat you. Give him the No Contact zone permanently!  Find out how to stay true to the No Contact if you are tempted, although I have a feeling you won’t be.

At the same time, when you do this, you teach your self how to treat you too. It’s all about those standards. If they are low, you are going to accept whatever comes along. But judging by the quality and quantity of the letters we get, this is not happening for many of you. It’s okay to put yourself first in relationships. In fact, sometimes this is the best relationship advice that you will ever get. To put you first! This is especially true in those early stages when you are unsure of where you stand with somebody, and you are emotionally invested already, and you’re not sure what to do next.   Treat your Self well, and by so doing you teach him how to treat you too.

One piece of relationship advice for women that I often give when it comes to this concept, because it is so hard for so many of us to do when we love someone, is to consider the situation from a best friend perspective. What advice would you give your best friend if she were in this exact same situation?  Chances are, you would tell this guy that he is not worth her salt, and she needs to move on and find someone that treats her the way she deserves. This is not about finding out how to get your boyfriend back, this is about finding out how to get your higher Self back in relationships, so that you can have the best relationship possible. You may want to look at the 3 common mistakes we’ve all made before.

I hope this helps, Joanna. And I hope to hear from you again and find out how this all worked out for you. So please do drop us a line and let us know! How do you put yourself first and relationships, readers?  Share your stories in the comments below, we do read everyone!

Dating Advice for Women: How Do I Get Him Back If He’s Not My Boyfriend

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Dating Advice When He's Not Your BoyfriendThere is nothing more frustrating in the dating game than scaring a guy off, and then running like a hamster on the wheel to try and get your boyfriend back. If you really want to know how to get your boyfriend back after you have scared him a little bit, you’ve got to give him some space.  This is the hardest relationship advice and dating advice for women to accept, because our intuitive desire when something like this happens is to try and fix things.

But at the other end of the line, there is a person that right now needs space, and doesn’t want things to be fixed. The only way you can make him miss you, is to actually make him miss you by giving him the space that he obviously needs. And sometimes signals got crossed along the way. Sometimes we only date someone a few times, but realize this is someone with some amazing potential, and will do anything to keep that person in our lives. But unfortunately, that “doing anything” to keep him with you, is exactly what will drive him away.

The most common time for these mistakes in a relationship is early in the relationship. And as I always say, if you feel something magical and if you feel a spark, the chances that the other person does too is very real and tangible. But you cannot rush a spark along, or you’re going to wind up with a big explosion. So if you want to get someone back, that you’re not even sure where they stand with you because it’s early, you really have to tread lightly.

We have a reader involved in this very sort of scenario. The dating relationship is very early, but on the plus side for her, she has already met his mother. As we all know, this doesn’t happen often unless the guy is thinking seriously. But at the same time, meeting someone’s family is not your cue from Universe to dive in and push that spark into a full-blown explosion. And it looks like this is what’s happened here with our reader. Let’s have a look at Judith’s story.

Would the No Contact rule work, if he is not my boyfriend?

We were just talking for a month and a half, we went on four dates. I met his mom.

I was extremely desperate after he asked for space, and the last text I sent him was extremely long, telling him I want him back and I apologized and how much I appreciated him and hopefully we could see each other. But its been a week a few days, I haven’t heard. Before that message I had texted him a few days earlier and he hasn’t replied to my last text if he was interested. I think I scared him off, but I really want him back.  Judith

So here we have a situation of a relationship and its very early stages, but with some promise. We have a relationship where four dates happened in a month and a half, and that’s pretty good progress in itself. That’s a lot of contacts for two people that are just getting to know each other.  Then she met his mother.

Where this relationship went wrong

I suspect that it was at this point in the relationship where things went sour, because mixed signals were being sent all across-the-board by both parties. I’ve talked about Mixed Signals Guy before.  I really try to suggest not meeting family members until you have a known commitment in place that you both have discussed and talked over, and have made that commitment together. But life is life, and today’s family is so much different then family life of generations of yore, and sometimes you just can’t control this.

I don’t really know what the exact situation was as to how you met his mother, or what the circumstances were. Was it an accident? Did you happen to see her when you stopped at his house one day to pick up a sandwich or watch a movie or something? Was it a planned meeting where you all knew that this was going to be a big moment in your dating experience? I don’t know. So it’s hard for me to make any assumptions at all on how meeting his mother plays into your overall relationship outlook.

That being said, it is still a very good sign that you met his mother. But if things went sour shortly after that I have a few possible reasons for this.  I think what happened at this point in the relationship was that you both started feeling some pretty intense feelings, but they weren’t the same intense feelings. And then when you, Judith, began to share your intense feelings, it freaked him out and he put you at arms length.  And then eventually, he cut you off all together. Ouch. Sorry that happened.

This is not to say that I think you did anything wrong. I think it’s perfectly natural for any woman in a relationship to begin to raise their expectations after they’ve met family members of someone that they’ve had four dates with in a month long period.  I think any woman would think and feel and react the same way that you did. And this is why communication is so important in relationships. It’s very easy to make assumptions about where a relationship is going after an experience like that. This is why I always say you should never make assumptions unless you have both had this conversation or communication with each other about what this particular step in your dating life means.

I’m guessing that you did not have this conversation with him.  Now you are left a little confused and as you said yourself, desperate.  But this is a relationship that is not without hope.  Four dates is a lot, and if he likes you enough to keep seeing you at this pace, my guess is that if you were that same girl that you were during that month and a half time frame, he would have those desperate moments erased and replaced with those good memories. And this would be a good foundation for you to build on to make him miss you and get your boyfriend back.  And yes, I think it is safe to call him your boyfriend, but you are in a bit of a break up. Right now, and you need to use this time wisely. But hope is not lost here!

What you need to do

The one thing that you need to do right now, Judith, is give him space. Put down the phone, girlfriends.  Something weird happens to us ladies when we are trying to connect with someone, and they don’t respond. Our heart rate increases, our emotions get on that hamster wheel again, and we begin thinking and questioning and analyzing wondering what the heck is going on. This is the wrong space to be in if you really want to know how to get your boyfriend back. You need to be the cool calm and collected girl, that he obviously went crazy about. So the best way to get back into that cool, calm, and collected girlfriend mode, is to be cool and collected. And that means No Contact right now. Don’t make one of these common dating mistakes and break on this.

Do that for a month. In the meantime, have a look at some of my articles on what to do during the No Contact zone. Fill your life, make yourself very busy and distract yourself so that you’re not thinking or obsessing about this person. And stop texting him. Text everybody else in the world, but do not text him. Let some time pass, I always suggest a month, and THEN reach out again.

When you do reach out again, do not speak about any of your prior problems. Be casual and breezy, and remember to be cool and collected. Send him a funny cartoon that you saw, send him a news article that you want him to look at, just touch base with him in a very casual way that lets him know that you’re thinking of him, and you’re not acting desperate.

Sometimes we women overthink these things. And the best relationship advice is usually the most simple relationship advice for women. If you have scared him off, it is time to not act scary. And sometimes we act scary without even realizing it, because our emotions are in overdrive. Frankly, your emotions are warranted. If a guy introduced me to his mother, and then blew me off, I would have a few problems with him.  And honestly, I might not be all that desperate to get him back if this is the way that he treats me after such an experience. But I don’t know what the circumstances were there, only you do, Judith.

Right now, you need to teach him how to treat you, and that is going to happen by giving him the space that he obviously wants. Then, if after a month you still think a guy like this is worth your time, then shoot him out a text or an email that is very casual and breezy. And let us know what happens! Dear readers, do you think it’s fair that a guy blew her off after meeting his mother? What would you do in the situation? Has it ever happened to you? I’d love to hear more stories on this!

 

Dating Advice For Women: How to Make Him Miss You Without Sounding Needy

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Relationship Advice After Needy PeriodsHere is a question that we get a lot! How do I make him miss me without sounding needy and desperate?  The reason that we get this question a lot is due to the fact that many relationships end when a man starts feeling like someone is being needy and desperate.  Women and men function differently in relationships, and we may have the same needs and desires, but we express them differently. Women like to know regularly that they are cherished and appreciated. Men do not need this constant reminder.

They need to be cherished and appreciated, but how they seek out the means to meet those needs is much different than the methods that women use. So this is a very common problem in relationships, and something that many women need relationship advice about.  If your relationship ended because he perceived you to be acting needy and desperate, there are ways to undo this and get your boyfriend back. We have a reader who is a perfect example to show us all how to get your boyfriend back after a needy or desperate time.  Let’s have a look at what Archie says.

 Hi everyone!

My ex broke up with me 5 months ago because he said I didn’t trust him enough. I was ok at first then I felt emotional and sent him hate letters and tried calling and texting him begging him to talk but he wouldn’t respond. He blocked me everywhere. I even sent him msgs filled with sorries. I waited for 2 months. In the meanwhile we had a common whatsapp group in which I stayed active ( he too.. and every time he posts something it breaks my heart again) 2 months I remained blocked. A month ago I sent him a letter about all our beautiful moments and thanking him for everything about life he had taught me, making sure I wasn’t sounding needy and desperate. I said I won’t chase him anymore and would be happy to see him happy even if its with another person. It was a 4 page letter.

For that he unblocked me on whatsapp and texted that those were some beautiful words and that it made his day. I replied with an excited smiley.

It’s been more than a month and he hasn’t texted anything since. Neither did I. I really wanna talk to him and sort things out. I don’t know if I should text him at all or stay in No Contact. Or I thought I would text him something funny or ask him a favor of some kind just to start a conversation.

please help. Archie

Here we have a five-month relationship that ended, and Archie has been given very clear reasons why. What I like about this case is that Archie has already appropriately and successfully followed the No Contact rule, and it worked! It’s much easier to repair a relationship when you know exactly what happened to lead to a break up. So Archie was given a lot of relationship advice from her own boyfriend, and she followed that advice, and ours as well, and she’s right on the brink of that magical moment of getting her boyfriend back.

What you did right

For starters, congratulations Archie on listing to your partner and giving him exactly what he needed and what he wanted. This effectively undid any memory that he had of you being needy and desperate. At first, you acted a little emotionally, and reacted to the pain of the break up and unleashed on him. He taught you how to treat him, by effectively blocking you on social media. You took that as valuable information in your relationship, and you changed your pattern. You deserve a big pat on the back for that!  After undergoing a two month No Contact phase, things started to look up.

See how this No Contact thing works, ladies?  You’ve done everything right, Archie.

The contact After the No Contact

Anyone that has been reading here for a little while knows how I approach that timeframe that occurs after the No Contact zone. The way to approach this is with some form of contact with your lover, boyfriend, spouse, or partner.  You should do this in a way that comes from a place of love with zero expectations. This is something else that Archie has done successfully.

I love this letter that you talk about, Archie, that you sent to him that was a four-page letter. When you did this, you may have been hoping for some sort of reconciliation, and maybe that’s why you did it. But at the end of the day, the primary thing that you accomplish with this is that once again, you erase any memory of him seeing you as needy and desperate.

You taught him that you do you trust him, after he went through a time that he thought that you didn’t. You also taught him that you cherished and appreciated him, and reminded him of the beautiful moments that you shared that made you cherish and appreciate him. There are few on this planet that genuinely love another person that would not appreciate a letter of this nature.

Of course there are men that are just using women for sex, and vice versa actually, and a letter like this would only lead them to feel more uncomfortable, and draw more distance between them and their partner. But I do not think this is happening here. As I always say, if there was genuine love between you and the other person, you have a wonderful chance of getting your boyfriend back. So you’ve done everything right up to here. And he taught you that you’ve done everything right up to here by promptly unblocking you on social media.  That was his way of saying, thank you for validating my feelings.  YOU did that!  Good for you!!

What now?

Well now you are in the space where neither one of you knows what to do, and neither one of you knows how to make that first step. If it has been more than a month, I don’t think you really need to stay in the No Contact zone right now. I don’t see any harm in reaching out to him with something super minor, casual, and breezy. I emphasize you want your contact with him to be super minor, and casual, and breezy. Here are some examples.

One thing you could do is send him a picture of the two of you together and tell him you ran across this while flipping through your phone albums and just wanted him to know that you were thinking of him. That’s a little bit above and beyond the casual and breezy component I’m trying to get across here, but it acknowledges that there is something between the two of you.

You could also do something really innocuous, like send him an article that you read, maybe about recent politics or a news event, with a simple question, “What do you think?”  I don’t mind saying that someone has done this with me before, and it was a very genuine and easy pathway to reconnection for us.  I don’t recommend texting him to ask him for a favor if it’s been over a month since you spoke to him. But something funny, definitely, yes. Or just something random and casual that will start up a conversation between the two of you again.

What will happen next will be your answer to all of your questions. You’ll find out if he has the same level of interest as you, and you will find out if he is as interested as you are and getting things back on track. No matter what the answer is, it will be relationship advice that you can use in this relationship, and any possible relationship you might have ahead.  What you have learned here in this experience is that listening to his needs, and responding to them, works. So keep doing everything that you’re doing, you are clearly doing something right!

The number one ticket, friends, to find out how to get your boyfriend back after this silence time is to listen to those needs of his, and meet them. You already know that being needy and desperate does not work. And don’t beat yourself up for that. We have all been there. And you are allowed to have needs too!

But moving forward, just approach these needs and a different way than you have previously. Be breezy, and be open with him about your feelings. It’s clearly working!  While you are waiting for him to respond, have a look at some of our other articles on what to do when you after that No Contact zone and waiting to learn what’s next.  Dear readers, what would you do in this situation? What have you done to reconnect with someone after No Contact?

Dating Advice for Women: How Can I Make Him (My Neighbor) Miss Me?

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Relationship Advice For Dating NeighborsWhen it comes to dating and relationships, we have all at one point or another needed dating advice when it comes to situations where we are confronted with the person after the relationship ends. Some examples of that would be like office romances, dating your neighbor, or getting involved with someone you met at a club like beach volleyball that you keep running into over and over again. This is one of the beautiful things about online dating for many, as it takes this right out of the equation and solves some relationship problems before they even begin.

But many women are still dating the old-fashioned way, and dating people that they just happened to meet when they share life circumstance. Well, one of our readers has run into a bit of a pickle with this. She was dating her neighbor, now she’s not, and now she’s stuck in this really awkward situation. Here’s Violet’s story.

Hi

I was in a very brief relationship with a neighbor, it ended because he was not upfront with me about the things he wanted from our relationship and we would have many arguments because he was telling me one thing but in reality wanted something else. After we broke up I reached out to him a couple of times and that created more problems. Also us being neighbors didn’t help as we both have neighbor friends and told them what happened so now people talk about it. Now he has hard feelings towards me. How can I change that and earn his respect? I think the best I can do is be indifferent and let him see I’m happy, maybe him seeing me with someone else. Am I right? Violet

I love it when readers answer their own questions! And I love that you come to us for relationship advice to seek validation on the choices that you are making in your relationships.  As you can see, this is exactly what Violet has done here.

How to Gain a Man’s Respect

Her first question is, how do I make him respect me? Well if we could bottle up this answer and sell it we would all be millionaires, and we would all be happy in love. But the fact remains, that you can’t make anyone respect you. That is a choice that they all have to make on their own. Can you nudge them in the direction of respecting you? Absolutely. And the answer to that is, be someone worth respecting.

Obviously, there have been a few problems with this tactic along the way, as now the neighbors are talking about you, and he’s all upset about what’s going around the neighborhood. Give him that.  I wonder, have you apologized for this?  That could be a huge step for both of you, in having a meeting of the minds when it comes to this relationship. He may be harboring some feelings or resentment because he might feel that you don’t care that his feelings were hurt but this got about town.  So for you, Violet, I would start with a very sincere and heartfelt apology that your relationship with him hit the rocks because you were excited to be with him. And that’s exactly how I would phrase it too!

Men Like to be Bragged About

Here’s the other catch. Most guys that are serious about love don’t mind being bragged about.  So I really wonder how serious he was about you to begin with. Maybe, he got upset with you because he was only using you and didn’t want the world to know.  And as Oprah would say, that’s a whole other show.

So if I were you, Violet, I would say that you still need to apologize to him, but apologize for hurting him. Tell him you didn’t think it would upset him for some neighbors to know that you guys were dating. Ask him why it hurt him so much if you are so inclined. Acknowledge, except, and validate his feelings.  And own your part in it. But it’s really not the end of the world if you talk to people about your relationship, unless you’re Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and a global crisis actually arises when your relationship is discussed.

I’m guessing, Violet, that you are not Angelina Jolie.  So personally, I don’t think you meant anything wrong by discussing your relationship with other people. But he has been hurt over it, then it is definitely a responsibility to own up and just take the responsibility there for his feelings. You can do it by saying this:

“Hey, just wanted to touch base real quick and let you know that I have been thinking about us and my role and what caused us to break up. I want to sincerely apologize to you for anything that I did that hurt you or upset you when people got wind of what was going on with us. I just want you to know, that I think you are pretty awesome and worth bragging about, and that’s the only reason I did that. But I am sincerely sorry if I hurt your feelings.  I would love it if we could start off on a fresh slate and put this all behind us. What do you think? I’m going to reflect on this for a little while and would love to hear from you.”

And leave it at that. Yes, to answer your question about being indifferent to him, that is absolutely what you need to do now. And yes, let him see that you are happy. And if you want to go on dating other people, then by all means do so. But do not enter any relationship with anybody else for the sole purpose of making your neighbor jealous. No. That is not how you were going to make him miss you, that is how you were going to make him happy that you guys broke up.

Maybe you needed to break up, and maybe there is someone out there that’s a little bit better for you. But maybe you just need a cooling off period.  The best relationship advice that I could give you, Violet, is to just own your part in his feelings, but still take the steps you need to start to be happy. Cool off a little bit with him, and give him a chance to think about this too. Check out our articles on what to do during and after the No Contact zone, and go out and live your life.  Have a look to see if you are making one of the 3 common dating mistakes.  Dear Readers, did I miss anything?  Let Violet know what you would do in the situation. Have you ever dated a neighbor? What was the awkies scale on that?

 

Relationship Advice: Should I Leave Him If He’s Using Me For Sex?

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Relationship Advice SexThere are two kinds of relationships. There are casual relationships that are just for sex or intimacy. And then there are committed relationships where both partners agree to be exclusive and faithful to each other. In both of these kinds of relationships, you need to have communication with each other in order to ensure that you are both on the same page as to what kind of relationship you are in.

If you have not consented to be in a relationship that is strictly sexual, then you need to either get out of this relationship, or have a conversation with the other party and re-define the boundaries in your relationship. The sad thing is, many women find themselves in sex only relationships that they did not consent to be in. And this is the relationship advice that we are giving today. What do you do in this situation?

The answer will always be communication. And if you don’t like the way that conversation goes, then you go into the No Contact zone.

There is nothing wrong with being in a relationship that is strictly sexual, so long as you both have had the conversation that is required to set those boundaries. And if you have not, then you need to have that conversation. And if you have not, and he’s treating you as if those are the boundaries and your relationship, then you still need to have that conversation. In fact, if that is the case, the only step you can take to save your relationship is to have that conversation.

Nobody deserves to be used for intimacy. At the same time, there’s nothing wrong with those kind of relationships, if that is clearly defined. But when it is not, is when I hear from the other party that is sad and confused and feeling used. So this is what our reader is asking us about today. Have a look at Christina’s question.

 So, Michelle

Should I leave this relationship? for his birthday, He wants to get a motel for a few hours and go back before it gets dark back to his daughter.  And he said “He will tell his daughter, that he’s going out for his birthday by himself !!!!

I’m hurt and confused Christina

Before I say anything about Christina’s question, I want to say, that I try to give relationship advice to help you succeed in your relationships and love affairs, but I really am not in the position to make life-changing decisions for you. So my relationship advice is geared to helping you decide what you can do to take control of your relationships. I can gladly give you dating advice on what decisions would be best for you, but I can’t at the end of the day tell you what to do. So Christina’s question is, should I leave him?” My answer to that is, it really is up to you.

Do You Know What Kind of Relationship You Are In?

Knowing what I have said about the two kinds of relationships that exist will help you come to this decision. The first thing you need to do, Christina, is take inventory on what the status of your relationship is. Are you behind door number one, or are you behind door number two? Or are you behind the very confused door number three that we see in so many of our readers lives? This is that confused area where you’re having sex with him, but you’re not sure if it’s going to go somewhere.

My relationship advice for those that are standing behind door number three, which I suspect is a lot of you, is to clarify the boundaries in your relationship with the other party. Just ask him. I know that it sounds easier said than done, trust me. But that’s the only way you’re going to get out of confuses door number three.

I can’t tell you whether you should leave him or not, because I don’t know what your relationship goals are, I don’t know what his relationship goals are, and I don’t really know what the feelings are in the situation.  But what I can tell you, is that if you are not being treated the way that you want to be treated in love, you absolutely can take control of that situation and get your power back. And you absolutely should!

You Are In Control of Your Romantic Destiny

I have to be honest, I’ve never quite heard of a situation like this that you described, that wasn’t usually consensual. And it sounds to me like you’re having problems with it, so it’s clearly not a situation where two consenting adults are concerned. Now that does not mean I think he’s forcing himself on you. But I do think he may be forcing you to have a kind of relationship that you don’t really want to have.  Otherwise, you wouldn’t be writing to me and you’d be perfectly happy going to motel rooms with the guy that wants to do everything in the dark and in secret.

So now that we have had the usual talk about defining boundaries, and deciding what you want in loving relationships, now you want to know what you can do about this. And there is a lot that you can do!

First, get into the No Contact zone with him. Do not wait, do that today.   Send him a very loving and kind text or email that thanks him for all the great times. But bring to his attention that the current situation is in a place that you don’t want it to be, and that you’re not comfortable with that. Tell him you are yourself going to “go dark” for a little while.  Then tell him, if he ever finds himself on the same page as you relationship wise, to give you a call, and that you’ll be very happy to hear from him if he does.

Those few steps are going to take care of all of your relationship problems with this particular gentlemen who seems to only want you for one thing. I would recommend that you read some of our relationship advice articles on what to do during the No Contact zone, and what you do after the No Contact soon when you both have had time to think about where your relationship has had it. I also recommend you have a look to see how to know when it’s time to walk away.

And as always, please do drop us a line and follow up with us on how the situation went. Dear readers how do you handle situations where you’re both on different pages in terms of relationship status? Dear Christina, I think you can make him miss you. But I don’t think you should go back to him unless he’s really on the same page as you. So set those boundaries, and let us know how this goes.

Relationship Advice During No Contact: “He cursed me out. Am I a battered woman?”

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Relationship Advice Battered Women

We get all sorts of questions asking the same question, “How to make him miss you.” But among the saddest questions are those questions from readers that are in hurtful relationships. By hurtful I mean, abusive. Domestic violence and partner abuse are no laughing matter. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence says that every twenty minutes it happens in America, and that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men are impacted by this painful situation.

The biggest question for those that have a loved one stuck in this trap, and even from society watching it unfold, is, “Why would anybody stay with such a person?” The answer is multi-pronged and in its entirety beyond the scope of this message. But one of the reasons is a lack of self-esteem. Some women just can’t get out, because they feel like this is what they deserve. But another, even worse answer is, many women do not even know they are abused, or a battered women. We recently had one reader ask us this question.

The statistics on emotional abuse or emotional battery are much more difficult to pin down, because women typically do not report this.  And we are often dealing with a system stacked against victims. If the police do not see bruises, there is literally nothing they can do. But if you are trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship, there is something that YOU can do. And wondering how to make him miss you is the least of your problems. But we are going to tackle this head on today. Marcy writes us this story that illustrates some of the symptoms of emotional abuse. Here’s what she said.

I feel stupid for even wanting him back.  He Cursed me out, called me names, sent me pictures of another mans genitals 40 times.  All in the same day he dumped me I guess.  2 weeks later he said, “we’ll we’ve all called each other names before.”  I kept Texting over and over & now I need to try something new.  Sad thing were both 51 years old.  He even threatened to Steal My Car.

I’ve known him since I was 12.  On and off for 37 years.  More off than on.

Am I a Battered Woman?, Marcy

We’ve covered this before in the Not So Subtle Signs You are in an Abusive Relationship.  Now, before I get into what I think about this situation to give Marcy her answer, let’s take a look at what the data DOES say about emotional abuse. It’s clinically called psychological abuse.  Our friends at the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) have alarming statistics on this problem. And the reason for that is the same reason I stated above – people don’t report it, because being mean without causing physical harm is *mostly* not a crime. So, sadly, it happens more often than physical domestic violence.

The NCADV says 48.4 percent of women and 48.8 percent of men have experienced psychological abuse in their relationships at some point in their life. That’s almost half!

Psychological abuse is noted by the following:

  • Humiliating the victim
  • Controlling what they can or cannot do
  • Keeping secrets, withholding information
  • Deliberately doing something that makes them feel embarrassed or diminished
  • Isolating them – no friends or family for you!
  • Demeaning them publicly or privately
  • Undermining their confidence or self-worth
  • Convincing them they are crazy – also known as gaslighting.

This “gaslighting” phenomenon can be difficult to understand.

Let’s say you lost something. But you lost it because he put it away somewhere, knowing you would be looking for it. When you look for it, he lights into you for being so lazy and irresponsible. Then all of a sudden he finds it for you, amplifying how lazy and irresponsible you are because you not only lost something, but HE had to be the one to save the day.

The term “gaslight” comes from the 1944 movie with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman where he kept her isolated inside the house, and slowly tried to convince her she was crazy. The gaslights would come on in the house when she thought he wasn’t home, and she thought she was losing her mind. Meanwhile, Prince Charming is upstairs the whole time in a secret room off their mansion turning them on and off.

Do you feel like this might be happening to you? You might be getting gaslit my friend. Now, looking at that list, and Marcy’s letter, what do YOU think I am going to say about whether or not she’s a battered woman?

Frankly, I’m not a therapist or law enforcement officer and there are some things beyond my scope here. However, the first question I have for Marcy is, why do you want this man back?

Let’s go through YOUR list of symptoms:

  • He makes you feel demeaned when he curses you out. You already “feel stupid.”
  • He intentionally embarrasses you with not one, not two, but 40 obscene pictures of another man! Little red flag there!
  • Same day he dumps you
  • “He even threatened to steal my car.” He’s taking away your escape plan. This is not someone with your safety as a top priority of his. And p.s., the next time he issues this threat, call the police.
  • 2 weeks later, when this prize has not been picked up by another unsuspecting pure-hearted woman he tries to get back with you – “we’ve all been nasty, right? Let’s move forward.” This is gaslighting. Translation: “Let’s just pretend I wasn’t a total donkey and move forward.”

Dear Marcy, sweetheart, you are not stupid!!  He’s known you long enough that he knows how to push your buttons.  There’s obviously been some good or you won’t even be asking me whether or not you are a battered woman as you would have already moved on.

Things brings us to the other reason women stay: It’s safe. Finding love is just so darn difficult. Am I right? Otherwise you all wouldn’t be here wondering how to make him miss you.  Many women would rather take a few minutes of good over one year, than try and try again.

But you are worth so much more than a few minutes of good, demeaning names, and more. Is it really going to take a stolen car to realize this guy is not valuing you?

For many women, it is. Marcy, I think you know the answer to your question.  I can tell you that based on the limited information, I do suspect you are an emotionally battered woman. But as far as helping you get your boyfriend back, my advice is, it may be time to make him miss you. Permanently.

Have a look at one of my articles on relationship advice for women that can’t recognize the signs of abuse.  There’s someone out there for you that will never curse you out, demean you, send you naked pictures of someone else, or gaslight you. None of that behavior falls in the range of healthy. But there are many that are willing to be in a healthy relationship with you. Love your Self enough to go looking for them. And let us know how you are doing!