Relationship Advice: Should I Cheat on My Husband, I Might be a Lesbian

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Relationship Advice for Marriage and LesbiansHave you ever found yourself in a relationship situation, no matter how committed or permanent it feels, where you were just so confused? I think I see everybody’s hand raised on that one. Yeah, we’ve all been there! And this is when we need relationship advice the most.  Today we have a reader who is not sure what to do in her current relationship. She’s not really wondering how to make him miss you, or trying to find out how to get her boyfriend back or anything like that. She’s just trying to figure out what to do in her relationship. Her question runs along the lines of should I cheat on my husband, I might be a lesbian.”  I think overall, this reader is just confused.

When we are in a relationship that is no longer meeting our needs, we have a tendency to think a little desperately. I am not saying that this dear reader is confused or desperate, I think she’s just not sure what to do, and is looking at her options. We’ve all been there! When you are in a relationship that isn’t working, you begin to think about what could be available to you that would work.  And this is often when we need relationship advice the most.

Here we have a reader who is married, but very clearly not satisfied and her relationship. She’s even done all the right things, by communicating with her husband about being more satisfied in their current relationship. And failing that, she has begun looking at other options. Including cheating. Including relationships with other women.

As long time readers here know, I will never advise or encourage anybody to cheat in their current relationship. So before we get into this letter I just want to say little bit about that. If you are not happy in your current relationship, the best and most appropriate thing to do for all parties, including yourself, is to safely and appropriately extricate yourself from that relationship.  This is even more important when that relationship is a marriage!

A marriage is a legally binding contract, and cheating or infidelity of any kind is grounds for divorce. Now if you were caught on the wrong side of a divorce, meaning you are to blame for the divorce, this could get very expensive and even embarrassing. Nobody wants that.  So despite the fact that cheating in a marriage is legally complicated, expensive and embarrassing, it also does nobody any good. It doesn’t actually solve the relationship problems. In fact, it makes things emotionally worse for all parties. I’m also a very big believer in karma.  And cheating in relationships, that’s bad relationship karma for everybody. Nobody wants that either. But that doesn’t mean that this poor reader cannot be helped today. Let’s have a look at her story.

Hi Michelle, I wonder whether you have some advice for a woman who is very much unsatisfied in a relationship and exploring other options. I am 28, married for last 8 yrs and have a  7 yr old son. It seems I am missing a lot in the pleasure department and it’s getting worse each day and I wake up disappointed. I tried talking to hubby to spice things up, but he seems disinterested. I began using a sex toy few months ago discreetly (a suction cup dildo) but obviously its not a permanent solution. I think I am an attractive woman by anyone’s standard and I know there are other guys who are interested in me. I had a very brief fling with a really cute guy who I have a professional relationship with few months ago but did not want to pursue as I wasn’t ready for an affair. I am also thinking of rekindling an old lesbian relationship I had with an older woman before my marriage. She was an amazing pleaser, I am pretty sure she would still be open to that idea. From what I know, both her daughters have now moved out so that might even be better (she is still married though). She is still flaming hot for age 🙂 ..What do u think I should do? I don’t want to separate or divorce from hubby because of my son but I will go crazy if I continue to be less than satisfied in the bedroom. I’d really like to know your thoughts, so plz email me if you can.

Thanks a million!

Kerry

Like I said, so far this reader has done everything right as far as her current relationship and husband is concerned. She has communicated with her husband about her needs, and is hoping to find a solution within the relationship for those needs. But she’s not getting it. So she’s very confused and trying to find a way to be happy in life. There is nothing wrong with that. You are allowed to be happy. In fact, you should always take whatever means necessary to find your happiness.  But when you’re in a bad marriage, that means you take to find your happiness in relationships, it’s just going to take you a little bit longer. Have a look at my article on finding intimacy with your partner.

The first step

For this reader, the first step is to figure out what she wants to do with her current relationship. Dear Amanda, I can’t advise you to do anything else in your relationships until you have figured this one out. And honestly, I think you know what the answer to this one is. I don’t like to give relationship advice that suggests it’s time to dissolve a marriage. This is another one of those situations where I would recommend relationship advice at a more professional and escalated level than myself. I think you and your husband would both benefit from seeing a therapist, individually and in couples therapy, to help you sort this one out.   There’s a few things that could happen with this.

There is a very small chance that you could go to couples therapy with your husband, and actually make him miss you by doing this. This will show him that you are simply looking for satisfaction or love in romance again, and you will be able to safely communicate this to him in a therapeutic setting. Maybe he just needs to hear those words from you in a different way than you have already expressed to him. So that’s one thing that could happen here.

Another thing that could happen here is that you both discover that no matter how much love you may have shared in the past, it’s not enough to save this marriage. I don’t know if that’s the case here. But it does sound like that’s a very real possibility for you. If that is the case, then what therapy will do for both of you is help you to find closure and wind this relationship down in a safe and healthy way.

You will be able to leave this situation with as few wounds as possible. Divorce is some serious baggage. No matter what you do with the rest of your life, sweetie, there will be pain and baggage from this relationship. That’s why I’m suggesting therapy.  This will help you both to heal and move on, either with or without each other. Then, at the end of the day, you will be able to say with confidence and with truth, that you did everything you could to do things right by your husband, and most importantly, for your self.

What happens next

There will be one of two things to happen next. Either you will make him miss you by igniting that spark again through communication in therapy. Or you won’t, and you will begin a new chapter for yourself. And this is why I also recommend individual therapy for you. It appears that you just want to be happy. There’s nothing wrong with that!  I think you’re very confused about how to achieve that happiness. We’ve all been there! I think that individual therapy will really help you to tear away some of those cobwebs of confusion, and get real clarity on what kind of happiness you actually want, and how to get it.

Let me tell you, as someone who personally knows somebody, a male, who was cheated on by his wife with another woman, this is a devastating blow to a relationship and a marriage, and it leaves scars that will last a lifetime. You do not want to be responsible for that. And if you take the steps that you are considering right now, you will be.  So try and avoid that mess if you can.

I know that therapy can be expensive, and this is something that is probably a concern to you. It’s a concern to anybody that enters therapy. But so is divorce, and so is divorce when you are at fault. If you need help finding help in your area, touch base with us again and I will be happy to help you do some research in that area.  But I would be doing you and your husband and your relationship and your sense of happiness a disservice if I encouraged you to cheat on your husband with anybody.

But at the same time, you deserve to be happy. Have a look at some of our previous articles on cheating and trust issues, where I talk about relationship advice for those in a cheating situation.  Don’t make your problem bigger if you don’t have to and can avoid it.  You deserve to be satisfied and you deserve every happiness in the world.

It’s a very brave thing to tell your partner that they’re just not doing it for you. And it’s a difficult thing to do too. But it’s even more difficult to clean up the mess of a cheating situation. So keep those lines of communication open with him, and with us, and we certainly wish you all the best in our rooting for you!  Let us know what you decided to do, and how this worked out.  Have any of you ever been in this kind of situation?

Relationship Advice for Women: How Do I Get My Boyfriend Back After Cheating?

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Make HIm Miss You After CheatingAfter the question of, is he using me for sex, the second most common relationship advice question we cat is, “how do I get my boyfriend back after cheating?”  This is a tough one, and sadly, a question that we all have asked our self at some point in our dating lives. The answer is easy to this, but the actual process of making all of the steps and stars align perfectly for you, is a little bit complicated. So again, today we are not going to talk about how to make him miss you, as much as we are going to talk about rebuilding trust after cheating created some cracks in your relationship.

For some relationships, cheating is a deal breaker. A lot of women have zero tolerance on this, and a lot of men do too. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Again, this is one of those times when having standards in relationships matter. I generally advise women not to stay with a guy that has cheated on them, just because it makes things so complicated. But life is not always as black-and-white as that. And today we have a letter from a reader that illustrates this point exactly, that love is much more complicated than the phrase “once a cheater always a cheater.” When love is involved, things got a little tricky.

So before we look at this letter, the one thing I do want to say is that relationships after cheating can survive. But the most important component required to make sure that happens is that both parties need to be willing to put in the effort. There is no one-size-fits-all answer and how to get your boyfriend back after cheating, when it comes to rebuilding trust. The only way to rebuild trust, is for that party to act in a way that is trustworthy. And if you’re not getting that, then it’s not worth trying to get back together with someone after cheating, or you’re just destined for more heartbreak. But let’s look at this story from our friend Amanda.

This one is pretty long, but I’m in desperate need for advice. So my ex boyfriend and I dated for a year and a half. We started dating in high school (my junior year, his senior year), and then once he went to college, things got complicated. My ex had a scholarship to play football at a college in a different state, and I fully supported him. I was a year behind him so I was still a senior in high school while he was a freshman in college. His first year of college was a rollercoaster for us. We weren’t used to the long distance, so we were on and off.

Well once he came back for that summer, we worked on our relationship to make it stronger so we wouldn’t have the same problems we did his first year of college. However, last October, I found out that he had been cheating on me with some girl from his school. So we broke it off. It was hard, especially because I was so loyal to him and was certain that we would have a future one day. After we broke it off, I made the mistake of texting, calling, mailing, literally anything to get in touch with him to make myself feel better. I forgot to mention, that he was still with the other girl after we broke it off.

 Anyways, around November, I decided to cut contact completely with him because I was making myself look foolish. So we had No Contact at all for 5 months. After 5 months, I received a message from him on social media saying he was sorry. It completely caught me off guard because I thought we would never speak again. I messaged him back, not really saying too much. And then as time went by, we started talking more and more. and it felt like I was catching up with my best friend after so long. Anyways, he told me he broke it off with the other girl because of several reasons and that she was nothing but a rebound, and he continued to tell me how much better I am for him and how he would never hurt me again and stuff like that.

Well he came home in May for the summer, and we decided to meet up and talk. It didn’t really go too well because there were so many emotions and so much has happened. But after talking to him for a while, things were finally becoming better. And I realized that I’m still in love with this guy. Even though he’s done me so wrong, I believe that we can make it through this. However, there’s still something that isn’t right between us. I can’t pinpoint it. But I can feel it. So I told him that we should talk, and he said “what I did was wrong, and I know it is. I just need time to think because I don’t know what to do. Things aren’t the same between us. You don’t trust me. I just need time so I can figure this out” and I sort of feel the same way, but I’m willing to put in the effort to make things better, but I don’t know what to do next.

Anyone can see that we’re in love with each other, but how do we get that same spark we used to have? How do we overcome all of this? I don’t know what to do, and I’m afraid to lose him again. Amanda

This is one of those situations where there is clearly hope for this couple.  The man in this equation has acknowledged his role in the break up, has acknowledged that he misses the girlfriend, and acknowledges that he is the one that needs to take the steps to rebuilding trust.  There is clearly a lot of love in this relationship, or we wouldn’t even be having this conversation today.  And if you have been reading this column for a while, then you know what I always say when love is in the picture. If both parties have a lot of love involved, and both parties are willing to do the work necessary to make it work, you can get your boyfriend back. Have a look at how to achieve greater intimacy with your partner.

This one is going to take a little bit more work from both of them.

Here’s what you did right

For starters, I think you know what you did right. You did all the right things by staying in touch with him, but also keeping your distance at the same time. You gave him some additional chances by meeting up with him and talking with him. It appears that you two both have very good communication skills when it comes to your relationship. So you’ve done everything right.

You taught him how to treat you by not putting up with cheating, you kept your distance when he was with somebody else. This showed him your worth, and that you believe you are worth better than this kind of behavior. And then you gave them a second chance to at least hear him out and listen to his apology and his remorse. Without an apology and without remorse, you cannot survive a relationship where there was cheating. So everything is going very well for you, and you have done nothing wrong.

But there is something wrong.

Another thing that gives me hope for this relationship is that you both acknowledge that there is no easy fix to this relationship. You both acknowledge that something is a little “off”, and you both acknowledge that something needs to change. The thing that is off here, is that you have trust issues with him. And those feelings are warranted.

So if you want to know how to get your boyfriend back, the first thing you need to do is to accept the fact that things will never be completely the same way that they were before. Both of you need to acknowledge and accept this. I have a feeling that you guys are good on the communication front, and will be able to have this conversation. Trying to go back to where you were before the cheating, is going to be counterproductive, and will cause a lot of pain for both of you. So if you really want to make it work, have the conversation and make the decision together to acknowledge that you’ll never go back to that place from before.

Starting from square one.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t be head over heels in love with each other again. You basically need to start from scratch as if you are dating him for the first time again. And if I were you, that is the approach that I would take with him. Just start dating again, and give yourselves both the opportunity to rebuild that trust slowly but surely. It won’t take as long as it would if you just met him, and we’re actually starting from scratch. You guys have a bit of a history here, and you both seem to want to make it work. Those are all really awesome pluses in your favor.  But starting from scratch is the only way you’re going to feel fully confident in your trust of him ever again.

Acknowledge that you are willing to put in the effort to make things better, but you also need to find out if he is. I have a feeling that he is.  But again, you need to have that conversation about how it’s not going to be exactly the way it was before, at least not for a little while. You need to see some actionable steps from him that show you he’s willing to make the effort to gain your trust back.

As for getting that spark back again, you will find that again after this period of starting from scratch. When you start dating again like you just met, you will slowly fall into that zone again.  If you really want to take this up a notch, I would also recommend therapy for you two. If anybody can see that you two are in love with each other, then your relationship would definitely benefit from some relationship advice from a professional that deals with repairing fractured trust. But again, that will take both of you to make that effort.

If you aren’t quite at that stage yet where you could see yourself on a therapist couch with him, then I would just start from scratch and take it slowly. This is one of those situations where Rome was not built in a day.  But you’ve got a solid foundation to build on with this love.

Building trust again after cheating takes effort on both of your parts. If you both are willing to do it, then there is hope for you. I have a lot of hope for you and I’m interested in seeing where this one goes. So make sure you drop us a note, or leave a comment below to let us know what happened with this situation. Dear readers, have you ever been in the situation? How did you rebuild trust when you were hurt by someone that you loved?