There are few of us that have not fallen into this category at one time or another. We live in a day and age where instant gratification prevails, and we wind up meeting someone and having sex with them very soon after meeting them.
Anyone that knows me and my philosophies on that knows I am typically against this strategy in love. With me, it is not a judgmental thing, as much as it is an issue where I just personally believe that women would save themselves a LOT of heartache if they avoided casual sex all together.
Why Avoid Casual Sex?
Men and women view sex differently, MOST of the time. (Did you really need me to say that? C’mon you know it to be true.)
Men view sex as meeting a physical need, and women view sex as meeting an emotional need. Bear in mind these are sweeping generalizations and there are about 6 billion exceptions to this rule. I am not saying all men feel this way all of the time, and all women feel this way all of the time, I am merely saying this to provide the foundation for my own personal philosophies on casual sex.
Casual sex or “drunk sex” or friends with benefits sex or no strings attached sex or whatever you want to call it all boils down to one thing, having sex with someone that you are not in love with. This in fact is the rule to casual sex. You don’t love that person, and thus are going into it with no expectations.
This kind of sex is easier for men than for women.
Why? Back to that issue of physical needs. Men that engage in this will have their physical needs met, and then carry on with the no expectations part of the bargain. Women, can not handle this as easily.
They become attached through the sexual act, and then they start to want more with the same man, and he gets confused. Feels awkward. Doesn’t quite know how to handle it, because now he is realizing that she was not able to meet her end of the bargain.
This is exactly what has happened to one of our readers.
Here’s what she says (I think via her phone based on the text typing):
Well ok ill just get straight to what happend ok i have been talking to this guy for allmost 3months we had drunk sex and now he feels awkweard 🙁 i would like to know or say to make him come of this awkwardness.
Ok ill give u some back round on us.
So we would talk on the phone from 11pm till like 3 or 4am.
We would text each other and he would replay with in like 5 mins and now since that day he hasn’t been acting like that we would talk on the phone for a few hours but it something would seen off and in text msgs he would replay after like 30 mins and like short replays like ” lmao thats funny” or a bit longer them that.
He a straight up guy so he called and told me how he was feeling and said he felt a bit better telling me but he still felt awkward and i was trying to be as understanding as i could.
I’m worried because i do generally like this guy he is awesome he never tried to touch me in anyway sexual way. We would hug n cuddled that was about it and he would have wet dreams about me.
Plzz helppp!!!! Im lost and worried what going to happend. 🙁
Here’s where things went wrong, dear Lost.
You had casual sex with him.
Or drunk sex, or whatever you want to call it. You got intimate with him thinking it could be casual, and then realized that you couldn’t do that because he is just that awesome. I agree he must be awesome, and I do give him some major kudos and props points for being honest with you. Unfortunately now he’s feeling a little bit awkward about it, and has pulled back a little bit.
Does this mean that he doesn’t like you?
No. It just means that he has come to the realization that you do in fact want something different than what he wants, and it’s awkward because well, he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.
Well, unfortunately there is no fix-all to this one, the damage may be done.
If you two want different things, you can’t change that. You can’t force him to want to be with you, and who wants to be in a relationship they need to force? For you, the best bet is to stop contacting him for a little while.
You did not actually have a relationship with him, so I won’t say go as long as 30 days. Maybe give him two weeks to see what it is like to not hear from you. Then, ask him out. If a relationship is what you want, seek it. If he turns you down? Move on. Guess what? He’s not the only awesome guy out there, and by spending your time on this one, you are missing out on the awesome guys that DO want a relationship with you.
For the future you, and everybody else, can stop this one in its tracks before it happens. How?
Don’t have casual sex, if you think you can’t handle it.
I don’t know how many times I have had girlfriends say to me in my single periods, “just go out and get it done, have a fling and you will feel better about yourself.” I shake my head vehemently, I can’t do it.
I know how I respond to someone after being intimate with them, and I am only willing to put myself out there that way if I know they are in love with me. It can make for some lonely nights, but lonely nights with a clean frame of mind are MUCH better than lonely nights with a heartbreak after casual sex.
Try it, you’ll love it, and good luck! Let us know how it goes, or who the new man in your life is!