When it comes to relationships, we all have relationship questions. And isn’t it funny how life works sometimes? We think we have it all figured out, until something happens and we either break up, or start dating or getting involved with someone new. When this happens, the new person triggers a whole host of new relationship questions.
The funny thing is, most of these questions are the same ones over and over, we just keep asking them again when there is a new person. We think, new person, new answers. The truth is that no, that isn’t always the case. Most of the time the answers to your most frequently asked relationship questions are the same.
Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to accept the answers. Sometimes we don’t want to because we want it to work so badly. In all likelihood you have already figured out at some point that that does not work for you.
If you know exactly what you want out of your relationships, and are prepared to put in the work to get it, then you need to be honest with your answers. Only then will you get exactly that. Today we break it down for you.
There is a lot of mail coming in from you, the readers, and you would be surprised at how often the questions look similar. Yes, as different as we humans are, when it comes to relationships, believe it or not we all have the same problems (see Dirty Relationship Secrets). So, to cover as many as I can at once, I will cover a few all in one article with your most commonly asked relationship questions.
1. Am I being co-dependent?
Co-dependency is the number one killer in relationships. Besides cheating you say? Actually, co-dependency leads to cheating, making it still the number one relationship killer. This is one of the very most common relationship questions, but often it looks like this, “How can I keep being co-dependent without irritating him?” You can’t. Co-dependent people ARE irritating, aggravating, frustrating to be with, and…well it’s just not good.
Co-dependency is simply another word for clingy, needy, desperate, etc, you get the picture. We’ve all been guilty of it at one point, but you will never have better relationships if you don’t learn from it. Signs you are clingy are you have started a text chat or phone conversation with him more than five times today (or any day), you think games and manipulation are going to “trick him” into wanting to be with you, you get upset if he spends time with people other than you, you have an exaggerated feeling of abandonment when he or she is not with you, and you are always worrying about where you stand with them.
If you don’t answer these issues with this relationship question, you are going to keep repeating these mistakes. Remember, repeated clingy = soon to be dead relationship. He likes you. Accept that. Enjoy it. Or you’ll ruin it.
2. How can I get him/her to communicate with me better?
Ah yes, another biggie on the relationship questions list. Everybody wants to know the secret to this one. If you could just get him or her to talk to you about stuff, you wouldn’t have so many problems, right? How do you do it? Easy, start communicating. When you open that door, the conversations will follow. The key is to communicate your needs and your wants in the same way that you would want them addressed if it was the other person starting the conversation.
For example, if you want him to communicate more, here are the right and wrong ways to start the conversation:
Wrong: Why aren’t you ever home anymore? What are you doing so late at work anyway? Who is working there with you? What does she look like? You never have time for me anymore!
Right: Honey, you’ve been working a lot lately. Is something going on at work that you haven’t mentioned? You’ve been more exhausted and stressed lately than usual. I miss you, can we plan something special this weekend?
Communicating well means taking turns talking, no judgements, and listening attentively. When you bring this to the table in your talks, your partner is that much more interested in hearing what you have to say as well.
3. Is it okay that I’m not having sex anymore in my relationship?
Generally speaking, no. Some relationship gurus will say that sex is a healthy sign of a relationship, and that when sex is going well in the relationship, it consumes only 10% of the whole of that relationship. On the other hand, when the sex life begins to falter, or has stopped all together, this becomes a problem that consumes as much as 99% of the whole of that relationship. One or both of you reaches the point where that’s ALL you can think about. Some research suggests that as many as 42 million people are in a sexless marriage. That’s not good. That’s a lot of unhappy people.
Now, life is life. Kids, mortgages, careers, and the like all get in the way of this. That’s normal. The longer you are in a relationship, you are guaranteed to have less sex as time passes and these life issues start piling up. Again, all normal. This becomes one of the more serious relationship questions when you stop all together, or reach a point of only doing it on birthdays and Christmas. You have decided to be in a relationship with this person, a romantic relationship, and so there is an expectation of sex. If you aren’t getting what you want in this area, it is time to start communicating that, and working together to create the plan that will solve the problem.
Both of you need to be willing to do that, or you will have a problem. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to express your needs to someone, and the appropriate reaction should be, “oh my gosh, how do I fix this?” Anything other than that and you have some serious decisions to make to move forward with YOUR life.
Of course every relationship is different, and you will still have fairly unique experiences and relationship questions on top of these. So keep sending in your relationship questions, and if I missed anything, pop it in the comments box and let’s work it out!