You might be surprised how often we get the question, “How do I make him miss me when he’s married to someone else?” We get it a lot. If you’ve been reading this site for more than a few articles, then you probably already know what my answer to this one is going to be. I have no judgement in these situations for the women that are treated poorly by married men. Or by anyone, male or female married that is playing with someone else’s heart, when that someone else is not legally contracted to you through marriage. While I reserve judgement, I do have some relationship advice for women that find themselves in this situation though. Here’s Salisha’s concern.
HI , I have been dating a married man for 5 years now…. its been 2 years since we saw each other but we do chat on the phone and video call each other. I love him very much but now he decided to let go due to me been out and spending time with my girlfriends. He is a very immature man and wants me to give him every detail of what i am doing threw the day. Please help me get him back. Salisha.
First, I’m a little confused by the timeline on this one. Are the two years of separation part of the five years? Because if they are, then you haven’t been dating him for 5 years. You dated, and have been chatting on the phone and Skype or what have you for 2 years. That’s still a relationship though, you just can’t call it dating. Dating is when you are seen out in public with someone who is proud to be with you.
So you’ve been involved in a relationship for 5 years with a married man. That is a long time to pin your hopes on someone. What happens to many women in this situation is that they think they will be The Next One, to make him divorce The One That Came First. So they stay, and they stay, and they wait for the divorce, and they stay and they wait, and get sadder with every passing day. Five years later they are writing me, or someone else, wondering what to do about it.
If you want to know how to get your married boyfriend back, you need to enter the No Contact zone immediately, and cold turkey. Nobody has the right to make you report to them on your daily comings and goings. Nobody. A married person has even fewer rights to do so. It’s none of his beeswax what you are doing through the day, or who you are doing it with. He’s doing this because he’s a cheater, and has trust issues because he knows how easy it is to cheat. But that’s his stuff, not yours. Next time he asks you that, ask him how the wife and kids are doing. He won’t ask again. And if he does, hang up the phone or end the skype/facetime chat.
I agree with you, Salisha, that he sounds very immature. This is the guy that wants to have his cake and eat it too. You already know that he has relationship issues, and has difficulty sustaining a healthy relationship, or difficulties dealing with a relationship in a healthy way. That was a fact in your case before you even started dating.
It’s not your job to carry his baggage.
Anyone, man or woman, that starts dating other people while married is not good relationship material. They have baggage before you even say hello. Now he wants you to carry his for him? Nuh uh sister. That is not your job.
Your job when it comes to dating is to find someone that makes you feel like a better person. Your job is to find someone that loves you, even those little annoying quirks that we all have, and accepts you fully and completely. You should feel BETTER about your Self when you are dating or in a relationship. You should never, ever feel worse. The moment you start feeling worse, is the moment you need to come up with your exit plan.
And you know in your heart that is my relationship advice for you, right, Salisha? To create your exit plan. This man is legally contracted to someone else. You don’t want to get in the way of this. Do you really want to testify on a stand about your nitty gritty relationship details? It could happen. It has happened to many other women in your exact situation. That’s only one of about a million reasons what is happening in your love life is a really bad idea.
Marriage is a legal contract. He is breaching that contract by his behavior, and dragging you into his own baggage. This is not your job to enable him. My suggestion to you would be to get as far away from this hot mess as you can.
Ahhhh but you love him. I get it. He obviously does care for you as well or he wouldn’t be so obsessed about your comings and goings. But he doesn’t have a right to that while he is involved in a legal contract with someone else. So don’t let him.
I don’t know if this can be saved or not. In your favor you have history and love. In the “against” column you have one really big item – another marriage. So before either of you can engage in a healthy relationship with each other, you each need to singly take care of your own relationship in a healthy and legally acceptable manner. For him, that’s going to have to be figuring out what he wants.
You deserve more than being someone’s sloppy seconds. A lot more. Worlds more. You deserve a guy that takes you out and public and smiles to the waiter, “That’s MY date!!” There are guys out there like that. But I’m guessing Mr. Married doesn’t want to go out in public with you in case someone sees you two together. That is not okay, and such a disrespect to both you and his wife.
She could be a total psycho that sets animals on fire for all I know, and I would still give you the same advice. Maybe he doesn’t belong to her. Clearly, he questions that himself. But he’s gotta take care of that business before he’s anywhere near the healthy state of mind to take care of you. You deserve at least that.
And you need to tell him that. Tell him you are going No Contact, cold turkey. I’m not even going to say 30 days on this. Tell him this is happening indefinitely, until he figures out his own life. You owe him no explanations on what you do with yours until then. If you want to get your boyfriend back and make him miss you, this is what you have to do. It’s for your own peace of mind. You will feel so much better when you do, even when you miss him during that space.
During that time, go out and do whatever you want enjoying the freedom that comes with not having to report back to Mr. Married. And let us know how this goes, okay? I’ll be thinking of you. Dear readers, what do you think Salisha should do about Mr. Married guy? Has anyone else cut him off cold turkey with good results?