Relationship Advice – She Feels Lost in Space

Ever feel like you were lost in space when it comes to your man?  Who hasn’t?  We’ve all been there.  When there has been a breakup, that little gap between you and him widens broader than the Milky Way it seems, doesn’t it?  There are a few reasons for this, and knowing these reasons will be among the best tips on relationship advice you might ever get. 

Remember, it’s about changing your perspective now.

One reason is, if you have been following the tips right, there is less communication between the two of you.  When there is less communication, all of their actions or inactions seem even more confusing to you.  Because they aren’t communicating. 

That’s okay by the way! That’s what you want. You need this space. 

But another reason we feel lost in space after we have broken up with someone, or been broken up with, is because they are doing or saying things that seem so….out of the ordinary from the guy that we knew.  The truth is, if you stay connected to your man even in the slightest way after a breakup, you learn some valuable things from him.  The other truth is, and this is a truth we need to be prepared to accept, is that they are not acting out of the ordinary at all.  They are acting like themselves.  You just see it from a different eye now, because they aren’t “with you” and so they don’t need to put on the front that they needed to, or felt they needed to, when they were with you and trying to please you.

Let’s break this down a bit more.  We have an email from a reader, “Lost in Space” who clarifies this somewhat.  As much as we tell you to break it off completely, sometimes that is just impossible.  In fact, the longer the relationship was, or the deeper the connection you had with him, it gets more difficult to stay in the No Contact zone.  Lost in Space is a perfect example.  She writes:

Hi Michelle, how are you? My boyfriend of 10 years actually broke up with me over the phone and found a new girlfriend immediately. He told me the reasons we broke up are me being cold and controlling through the relationship. He also said that now he is in love with the other woman….but he wants to be friends with me still see me and talk to me whenever he is in town. He started going overseas for a long period of time and told me he couldn’t stand being with me cause I was pressuring him.

We were living together for 2.5 years and he still helps me out financially. He tells me that he cannot be with me in general unless I change and even though I change it may be a long shot cause he is in love with the other person. What I don’t get is that he still wants to kiss me when he sees me and hug me. He still cares he said but as a friend…but he may get jealous if he thinks I may be seeing someone else…he told me that the only solution that we have is for me to wait and be patient…and for him to come and see me or talk to me whenever he pleases….I don’t know what to do….he also said that he does not see me as a woman anymore but he likes me a lot outside…he does not feel the same cause my behavior has hurt him for a long period of time. He said he was telling me but I was not listening to him. I really love him and would like to get back together…he said that in that case we would start dating…..he is now leaving for 2 months where he has the new gf and he will be back only for a month…and then around 3 months for the summer… the meantime I’m trying to get a job but still I would need him financially…we were leaving as a married couple and we broke up with no attorneys…..Do you have any idea what the heck is going on in his mind? Should I wait or try to forget him….finding a gf does not make the things easier.

I’m scared that he will love her at the end and he will forget all about me….I think what he is asking me to do is very unfair for me…even though he told me you are free to find a boyfriend if you want…he knows I still love him and it will take me a long time to do overcome the break up..when I asked him how the heck could he do it he said it’s different for guys than women to go with someone else even they love someone else…..personally I think it’s easy for both parties. I don’t know…have I lost him forever…since he sees me every day and talks to me on the phone…he sounds cold sometimes and seems to not care….he told me that he still has feelings but he cannot be with me cause I pressure him…he was angry when I started talking about past mistakes and he said he wants to start a new page with me and if he feels something he will approach me and then it will be my choice…..he also has taken me for dinner a couple times….is that crazy or not???? btw he also paid for changes at the house we were live in. He was and currently is building another house which we were suppose to live there with my children…he told me that if he comes back now it would be a sick relationship and he would be somewhere else…he still wants to be in contact though…I truly don’t get it….he wants to wait and see if I change? or he wants to try the new thing see if it works out and then come back? he told me sex was flat…but the beginning was great cause we had the spark….

WHAT? oh I had to mention he is 15 years older than me…..I don’t know….it was like a brick on my day we check out the new house and pick the flooring the next day he leaves and calls me after 2 weeks to tell me that we are done and that he has a new gf….I feel like driving myself crazy. I’m not saying that I have no fault in it, my behavior was a little off especially the past 2 years…I think I was depressed with work and such but he was saying we had money so what the heck was your problem….also he thinks I don’t respect him cause in our last fight I told him “F…U” I really screwed it up….anyways I cannot figure out what the heck he wants and if what he asks is true..he also told me he doesn’t want to lose me…isn’t crazy? so I sit wait while he f….s someone else ? I don’t get it…btw he told me that his family had noticed the strange behavior too so they told him also…so…I don’t know what to say. I know I want him back….I know I love him….but I don’t know if he will ever come…and how the heck you start dating after being together for 10 years that’s so weird to me….he told me I can kiss him but he doesn’t for his own personal reasons….ok but he comes to kiss me with closed lips…that’s not a freaking break up is it???? is he trying to see how he feels inside if things changed? I don’t know. Please let me know what you think cause I’m lost in space. Thank you!

Okay. At first glance, there is a LOT of information here, and a lot going on here.

But this is a lot simpler than it looks.

Ending a 10 year relationship is tough, no question.  When there are financial obligations on the table, that makes it even tougher.  This is one of those situations where a “clean break” just isn’t going to happen.  But he has given his woman a LOT of information here.   This is what aggravates me.

HE broke up with YOU and gave you a long laundry list over all of the things YOU need to change in order to get back with him, and yet has the audacity to call YOU the controlling one? Come on now, honey.  You don’t need relationship advice, you need a little straightening in the back bone there.  Because not only has he done all of this, but he has done so AND fallen in love with someone else at the same time.

This is exactly what I meant in my earlier relationship advice when I said that during this breakup time, we learn a LOT about “our man” when we stay in contact. What he’s telling you is that maybe just maybe if you do this and that and this and that, maybe he will come back to you but don’t hold your breath.  What he is also saying without saying it is, that will probably happen if it doesn’t work out with Door #2. You don’t deserve to be anybody’s second best, you deserve better. Start dating again until you find that. Who CARES if he gets jealous? He’s not your man, now, he’s your friend… your friend that is in love with someone else.

Here is the best relationship advice I can offer.

Cut Him Off. No dinners, no kisses, no nothing.  Be his friend if you want to be his friend, but I don’t kiss my friends, and you shouldn’t either.  He does not get to have his cake and eat it too, and string you along like this. You are allowed to be controlling here, it’s YOUR life. Of course you are feeling like you are going crazy. I felt a little bit like that myself for you after reading your note. He’s doing that, and you will feel MUCH better once you let him know he doesn’t get to do this to you.