When you have been with someone for many years, something happens to you as individuals and as a couple. Being with someone for years creates a bond, and in addition to relationship chemistry there is actual brain chemistry that supports this. When a couple is intimate, and I’m not just talking about physical things, but when they spend years getting closer to each other, the brain releases a hormone known as “Oxytocin.” This is a hormone that is responsible for humans pair-bonding, in a loving, and intimate way that has nothing to do with physical matters.
So when these relationships break up, the question of “hope” is all the more confusing. Is there hope for these kinds of relationships? In these kinds of relationships, there is ALWAYS hope. So if you are trying to get your boyfriend of many years back, there is always hope. Today we are going to talk about what to do with that hope. We have a reader who is wondering if, after 2 years, there is hope. Here’s Yadira’s story.
My ex boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago. We were dating for 2 years and 4 months, before he broke up with me we would argue a lot. It was mostly me. I was arguing because he wouldn’t care anymore not like he use to. idk why I argued most of the time but we always argued the weekend before he broke up with me we get in a huge fight and I thought we were fine. He seemed a little distance but he always told me that he will always find his way back. But on a Wednesday night he broke up with me out of nowhere I was so confused and lost. He promised me he was going to marry me he said I was the one that he loved me so much. I saw how much he loved me but he said he couldn’t do it anymore that he didn’t love me anymore. I begged I cried for about two months. I tried everything to win him back he kept telling me the same thing that he didn’t want me that he didn’t want a relationship. We would still kiss and he would sometimes act like he was my boyfriend cuddling with me and saying sweet things but the next day he would blow me off he confused me so much. I recently said goodbye to him I apologized for anything I did for everything j did to make him not want me. I’m so hopeless I’m letting go but I still have hope. I just don’t know what to do should I move on should I have hope ? Yadira
Thank you for your letter, Yadira. I think you know the answer to this, but let’s break this down. First, congratulations on handling everything maturely thus far. You have owned your part of the breakup, and for that reason you are to be congratulated. Some people go their whole lives and never figure out what went wrong, and blame the other person entirely. You have passed that stage of maturity. And in this world, that means you are one step closer in getting your boyfriend back.
So far you have done everything right. You don’t even need relationship advice. What you need is support and encouragement. And we have OODLES of that here.
So the first thing you need to do from here is find out what zone you are in with him. I can’t tell by reading your letter. He’s kissing you. So you aren’t in the Friend Zone. That right there is clue number one that you have OODLES of hope in this relationship.
But you don’t deserve to be Leftovers Girl. What I mean by that is, Leftovers Girl is the girl he keeps as “leftovers” when he can’t get a fresh, hot piece of the pie on another night. He comes to you. This is not fair. You are not a Yo-Yo.
You know this. You’ve done all the right things by telling him goodbye. You’ve officially launched the No Contact Zone.
What you need to do now is stay on that course. Do not call him, text him, email him, respond to him on Facebook, like one of his posts, anything. Put all of those on Mute or Do Not Disturb for the next 30 days. For the next 30 days, you do you.
If he wanted to marry you once, there is something there. But he’s kind of taking advantage the fact that you have been together for so long, and you’ve given him so many chances. So stop giving him chances, for now. For the next 30 days. I recommend you have a look at a reader that went through this over the holidays: Relationship Advice When You Feel Hope is Lost. I think it could help you. You may also want to look at our article on what to do after the No Contact Period.
In the meantime, stay in the No Contact Zone. Live your life and be fabulous. What happens after that is up to you. If you want to send him a casual, and breezy text or email, do so. Keep it short. Keep it simple. Send him an interesting article or video and ask him what he thinks. You’ve opened the door. See if he walks through it. You absolutely have hope. And I do too! I hope you let us know how this one turns out! Readers, what would you do in this situation?