There is nothing more frustrating in the dating game than scaring a guy off, and then running like a hamster on the wheel to try and get your boyfriend back. If you really want to know how to get your boyfriend back after you have scared him a little bit, you’ve got to give him some space. This is the hardest relationship advice and dating advice for women to accept, because our intuitive desire when something like this happens is to try and fix things.
But at the other end of the line, there is a person that right now needs space, and doesn’t want things to be fixed. The only way you can make him miss you, is to actually make him miss you by giving him the space that he obviously needs. And sometimes signals got crossed along the way. Sometimes we only date someone a few times, but realize this is someone with some amazing potential, and will do anything to keep that person in our lives. But unfortunately, that “doing anything” to keep him with you, is exactly what will drive him away.
The most common time for these mistakes in a relationship is early in the relationship. And as I always say, if you feel something magical and if you feel a spark, the chances that the other person does too is very real and tangible. But you cannot rush a spark along, or you’re going to wind up with a big explosion. So if you want to get someone back, that you’re not even sure where they stand with you because it’s early, you really have to tread lightly.
We have a reader involved in this very sort of scenario. The dating relationship is very early, but on the plus side for her, she has already met his mother. As we all know, this doesn’t happen often unless the guy is thinking seriously. But at the same time, meeting someone’s family is not your cue from Universe to dive in and push that spark into a full-blown explosion. And it looks like this is what’s happened here with our reader. Let’s have a look at Judith’s story.
Would the No Contact rule work, if he is not my boyfriend?
We were just talking for a month and a half, we went on four dates. I met his mom.
I was extremely desperate after he asked for space, and the last text I sent him was extremely long, telling him I want him back and I apologized and how much I appreciated him and hopefully we could see each other. But its been a week a few days, I haven’t heard. Before that message I had texted him a few days earlier and he hasn’t replied to my last text if he was interested. I think I scared him off, but I really want him back. Judith
So here we have a situation of a relationship and its very early stages, but with some promise. We have a relationship where four dates happened in a month and a half, and that’s pretty good progress in itself. That’s a lot of contacts for two people that are just getting to know each other. Then she met his mother.
Where this relationship went wrong
I suspect that it was at this point in the relationship where things went sour, because mixed signals were being sent all across-the-board by both parties. I’ve talked about Mixed Signals Guy before. I really try to suggest not meeting family members until you have a known commitment in place that you both have discussed and talked over, and have made that commitment together. But life is life, and today’s family is so much different then family life of generations of yore, and sometimes you just can’t control this.
I don’t really know what the exact situation was as to how you met his mother, or what the circumstances were. Was it an accident? Did you happen to see her when you stopped at his house one day to pick up a sandwich or watch a movie or something? Was it a planned meeting where you all knew that this was going to be a big moment in your dating experience? I don’t know. So it’s hard for me to make any assumptions at all on how meeting his mother plays into your overall relationship outlook.
That being said, it is still a very good sign that you met his mother. But if things went sour shortly after that I have a few possible reasons for this. I think what happened at this point in the relationship was that you both started feeling some pretty intense feelings, but they weren’t the same intense feelings. And then when you, Judith, began to share your intense feelings, it freaked him out and he put you at arms length. And then eventually, he cut you off all together. Ouch. Sorry that happened.
This is not to say that I think you did anything wrong. I think it’s perfectly natural for any woman in a relationship to begin to raise their expectations after they’ve met family members of someone that they’ve had four dates with in a month long period. I think any woman would think and feel and react the same way that you did. And this is why communication is so important in relationships. It’s very easy to make assumptions about where a relationship is going after an experience like that. This is why I always say you should never make assumptions unless you have both had this conversation or communication with each other about what this particular step in your dating life means.
I’m guessing that you did not have this conversation with him. Now you are left a little confused and as you said yourself, desperate. But this is a relationship that is not without hope. Four dates is a lot, and if he likes you enough to keep seeing you at this pace, my guess is that if you were that same girl that you were during that month and a half time frame, he would have those desperate moments erased and replaced with those good memories. And this would be a good foundation for you to build on to make him miss you and get your boyfriend back. And yes, I think it is safe to call him your boyfriend, but you are in a bit of a break up. Right now, and you need to use this time wisely. But hope is not lost here!
What you need to do
The one thing that you need to do right now, Judith, is give him space. Put down the phone, girlfriends. Something weird happens to us ladies when we are trying to connect with someone, and they don’t respond. Our heart rate increases, our emotions get on that hamster wheel again, and we begin thinking and questioning and analyzing wondering what the heck is going on. This is the wrong space to be in if you really want to know how to get your boyfriend back. You need to be the cool calm and collected girl, that he obviously went crazy about. So the best way to get back into that cool, calm, and collected girlfriend mode, is to be cool and collected. And that means No Contact right now. Don’t make one of these common dating mistakes and break on this.
Do that for a month. In the meantime, have a look at some of my articles on what to do during the No Contact zone. Fill your life, make yourself very busy and distract yourself so that you’re not thinking or obsessing about this person. And stop texting him. Text everybody else in the world, but do not text him. Let some time pass, I always suggest a month, and THEN reach out again.
When you do reach out again, do not speak about any of your prior problems. Be casual and breezy, and remember to be cool and collected. Send him a funny cartoon that you saw, send him a news article that you want him to look at, just touch base with him in a very casual way that lets him know that you’re thinking of him, and you’re not acting desperate.
Sometimes we women overthink these things. And the best relationship advice is usually the most simple relationship advice for women. If you have scared him off, it is time to not act scary. And sometimes we act scary without even realizing it, because our emotions are in overdrive. Frankly, your emotions are warranted. If a guy introduced me to his mother, and then blew me off, I would have a few problems with him. And honestly, I might not be all that desperate to get him back if this is the way that he treats me after such an experience. But I don’t know what the circumstances were there, only you do, Judith.
Right now, you need to teach him how to treat you, and that is going to happen by giving him the space that he obviously wants. Then, if after a month you still think a guy like this is worth your time, then shoot him out a text or an email that is very casual and breezy. And let us know what happens! Dear readers, do you think it’s fair that a guy blew her off after meeting his mother? What would you do in the situation? Has it ever happened to you? I’d love to hear more stories on this!