Relationship Advice: How to Make Him Miss You When He’s Playing Facebook Games

By

Relationship Advice After Facebook GamesOh boy.  I’m not sure why, but relationships today have a lot more game playing in them than they used to.  People are trying to make him miss you or get their boyfriend or girlfriend back in such nefarious ways today.  It almost feels more like a “get back at my boyfriend or girlfriend” situation rather than a “get my boyfriend back” scenario, in many cases.  And I’m not even referring back to the 1920’s or 1950’s.

In the 1990’s even, relationships were much easier to deal with than they are today. I do not know what the bigger reason for this is, but I do suspect that social media plays a big role in this.  Check out our previous article on this, Facebook is not your diary. Social media is used for a lot of gameplaying and relationships, and today we have a reader that has a question about this.

While it is not to be used for game playing in relationships, or at least that’s not something that I recommend, social media can still be a useful tool when you want to make him miss you. Social media in many ways actually makes it very easy if you’re trying to find out how to get your boy friend back. And one of the reasons for that is a little concept known as “social proof.”

But this concept of social proof can really wreak havoc on relationships. And we have one of our readers today that is experiencing just this. This is a reader has a little bit of everything involved in her relationship troubles. We have some game plan going on, we have some cheating going on, and we also have some social media nonsense going on.  Now if you are looking for ways to get your boyfriend back, or are trying to figure out how to get your husband back or how to get your ex back, social media game playing is one way to do this. Again, it’s not something I recommend. But it does happen.

But smarter way to go about this is to use social media as a tool to get closer, not farther apart. That’s what it’s for! So today we’re going to talk about how to use social media wisely when it comes to relationships, and to offer some relationship advice on what to do if you find yourself on the receiving end of some social media games.  Let’s have a look at Sarah’s story.

We are in a long distance relationship, I’m 49 and he is 42. We see each other every two months and alternate who drives to who, we video chat daily sometimes more than once and he calls me to say goodnight every night for over a year. We laugh and have a great interaction I just don’t like that he follows strippers (local and non local) on his social media.

It’s the only thing we argue over and he stands firm that it is nothing and its his page he isn’t going to change it. He finally made his friends list private to keep me from hurting myself by looking. This past weekend he was going out (he hasn’t been to a club in the time we have been dating) to celebrate his nephews birthday and it was a club where these strippers work.

I tried to ignore the feeling and not bring it up but I couldn’t swallow it anymore. It caused an argument and he said he is going to have fun and nobody was going to stop him. I told him I don’t care if he goes I just wanted him to assure me I didn’t have anything to worry about. instead he got mad and said good bye.

I didn’t hear from him that night or the following morning to I texted him and told him I deserved better. he changed his Facebook to single but still has pictures of me and him up there. I wanted to show him how much this is disrespecting me and hope it might prompt him to change.

See what I mean? A lot going on.  First let me say how much I love social media, Facebook, and all of the wonderful tools that technology has to offer us and our relationships today. They can be wonderful things. But at the same time, social media can be a complete disaster when it comes to relationships. Like our article, Facebook is not a diary, I also want to say that Facebook is not a barometer for measuring the status of your relationship. It’s handy, when you want to brag about a big relationship events moments in your life. But what I see all too often, and more often then I don’t, is women get hung up on little nuances on social media when it comes to their relationships. And men too, obviously, hence this letter today.

The Social Media Variable

“He’s got a picture of me up, that must mean he’s planning her wedding. He doesn’t have a picture of me up, that must mean we’re done and over. I woman who I don’t recognize just liked his photo, that must mean he’s cheating shirt.” Follow what I’m saying? Little nuances that happen on social media have a tendency to send women into a downhill spiral.

As they should. A committed boyfriend does not make his friends list private to spite his girlfriend. What is this “I did it to not hurt you” about? No.

I do not like this.

I do like that you told him that this was disrespectful. Because it is. Let’s take the strippers out entirely, not a sentence I get to say everyday, but let’s do that. This is game playing on social media.  You. Absolutely. Deserve. Better.

But let’s get logical about this, because despite his valiant attempts at saving your emotions, they are running wild anyway.

Not only is Facebook not a diary, it’s not a microscope on every little thing that’s happening in your lovers life or your boyfriends life or your husband’s life. For all you know, the woman that just liked his photo could be a third cousin that he just reunited with after having never met her his whole life. I don’t know if there have been any studies on the topic or not, but I do think that women make more out of things that happen on Facebook and social media then is necessary.

But when Prince Charming is blocking his friends list from you to spare your heart, who can blame you??

Be logical though. Just step back from this entirely.  He’s not even worth lighting into. But do talk to him about it. But do so after calmly and rationally and logically gathering the facts before you jump to any erroneous conclusions that you’ll draw that will derail your relationship hopes faster than any other second woman could.

Teach him how to treat you.

That being said, I want to address other issues in this letter. So we have some cheating going on, we have a long distance issue going on, and we have all kinds of crazy things happening on social media. First, Sarah, my first question to you is why do you want to be with this man?

You ask me how to make him respect you. I can’t do this. You can’t do this. He needs to make that choice. But you can certainly lead him in that direction. Don’t just say you need to be respected, show him.  Check out our article on the 3 dating mistakes you might be making before you touch base with him or do anything, first.

Do you want to know how to get your boyfriend back after this big mess. Is that possible? Yes. You had a solid foundation of communication, and regular communication with that, and you have a solid foundation on which to build. So this is a good thing. You have probably had more communication in a relationship then many in person relationships have on a daily basis. So this is another great thing!

But then the games.

Then we have this big mess on social media with strippers and blocking messaging and angriness and all sorts of things like this. If Facebook didn’t exist, my guess would be that you two would still be together today. So take Facebook out of the equation for a little bit and just focus on what you need to do to bring back this communication in your relationship. Of course, for this specific case I’m going to recommend The No Contact rule.

For you, this means blocking him on Facebook. I know this is probably the last thing that you want to do, because you want to creep his Facebook and check out if he still looking at all those strippers and things of that nature. I know. We allll know.  (Because we do it too.)

But this is just not the best course of action for you to take. Removing any possibility of letting Facebook upset you in this relationship is your best relationship advice you were going to get. The reason being, if you can’t see what he’s doing, then it can’t upset you. On that he is right, but he doesn’t get bonus points for hiding his strippers from you to spare your feelings.

In fact, he loses even more points because by even saying that he knows for you to see that would be disrespectful. He keeps doing these things because you let him. So stop letting him. Block that.

Don’t freak out about that. If you are broken up, you actually have no right to see what he’s doing.  He’s right about that too. But again, no bonus points. Take comfort actually, in the fact that you can’t see his Facebook anymore. You will find much peace of mind with this. As well, and here’s the best part, you’ll be cutting off his opportunity to look at yours too! And that’s a great way to get the ball rolling to make him miss you and get your boyfriend back. If he tries to creep your profile, and he probably is, when he won’t be able to that well send him a little Squirrley.

Stay in the No Contact phase for at least 30 days, meaning don’t allow yourself any contact with him whatsoever for 30 days. Not by Facebook, not by text, not by email, nothing. Keep him blocked from your Facebook for at least 30 days, and give him some time to think about what he’s done! He’s been playing some serious games with you! Teach him how to treat you! Teach him that this is not OK, and you will remove the opportunity for him to see your Facebook.

The social proof.

Now we’re getting to the social proof of the equation. During those 30 days, begin enjoying your life. Have a look at some of our articles on how to stay true to the No Contact rule. Enjoy your life, and take lots of pictures of it, and post them to Facebook!  This is not playing games, this is you having a life and submitting social proof on it.  Then, after 30 days, unblock him from Facebook. Do not cave on this and do not unblock him sooner than those 30 days is up.

Wait a few days after that 30 day period is up, and just wait and see if he comes to you after he realizes that your Facebook has been very busy, and you’ve been having all kinds of fun unbeknownst to him, while he was blocked. If he doesn’t contact you, don’t be afraid to contact him. But again, as I say to everybody launching the No Contact zone, and coming out of that No Contacts zone, be very casual and breezy with how you approach him.

Remember, he may be a little upset that you blocked him. Granted, he doesn’t have a right to be. So if he tries to pick a fight with you about that, shut that down. Don’t get into a fight with him about it, but instead, almost act like you didn’t hear him, or just shrug it off. “Why are you so concerned about my Facebook page all of a sudden after you blocked me?” Shrug it off, change conversations.  When you do contact him, keep your contact easy and casual. Sent him a funny video, send him a link to a movie you want to see, things of this nature. Don’t say much, just touch base with him and say something casual like, “just wanted to know what you’ve been up to, hope you are well.”

Again, do you not bring up any of your previous problems, as neither one of you wants to be reminded of those. But if you do this, not only will you make him miss you, you will make him crave you. A woman that demands respect from her partner is very attractive.  When he sees you’ve been sharing that with the world without him, he will reconsider his options too. Put your foot down about the strippers, and keep it there. You may want to review my tips on how to know it’s time to walk away.

You’ve got to take control of the situation if you want to get your boyfriend back, and these are my recommendations. Dear readers, how do you handle came playing in relationships on social media? Have you ever been in this kind of situation?  Ask me a question, or I’d love to hear your stories below.

 

 

Relationship Advice for Long Distance Relationships: The No Contact Rule Worked!

By

HOw to get your boyfriend back long distance relationshipsWe love hearing about how our relationship advice for women works! And believe it or not, as often as we get sad questions of confusion, we do often get letters where our dear friends are telling us that the No Contact rule is working, and that the man is missing them. Such is the case for our friend Nancy today, who is in a long-distance relationship. He has already let her know that he misses her! Woo hoo! Good for you, Nancy!  But, what next?

The rules when you want to know how to get your boyfriend back when you are in a long distance relationship are a little more complicated then when he’s staring you in the face every day. And when you’re in a long-distance relationship, the No Contact rule is a lot easier to do. This is something that Nancy has discovered, and it has worked out very well for her.  Nancy, I want to congratulate you on sticking it through, and working out this No Contact rule. You are doing everything right, girlfriend!

But Nancy is finding herself in that gap where the No Contact rule is over, and she wants to know how to get her boyfriend back. Communication and contact has resumed, and she just doesn’t know what to do now. She is confused, and not sure where this relationship is headed.  And this is the predominant theme in long distance relationships. Here is Nancy’s story.

Hi Michelle,

I was dating my ex for six months ( we were long distance ). He became distant and cold so when I ended it I initiated No Contact.  I stayed very strong.  Now, completely textbook, he’s sending me messages about how much he misses me etc.   yet when I respond, he vanishes again.  He says he’s scared because he can’t relocate ( he lives in Denver).  So I don’t know how to bridge the gap now since I cut him off for thirty days.   He wrote me a nice text message about how I was his inspiration and how he was scared of the future with me since he couldn’t relocate and I responded back that I had to take care of myself and the relationship had become toxic.  I feel like he’s friend zoning me now with texts.  How do I stay out of ‘pen pal status’?  When I say I miss him also…..I don’t really hear from him which makes me feel like he’s still playing games .  The push pull.  When I’m available…..he takes it for granted.  When I cut him off…..he’s sad and missed me.  Ugh.  Now I haven’t heard from him in ten days and ironically I’ll Be in Denver  next week for work.  I want to reach out but all my friends say ‘don’t you dare!!!’  Help!!

Feeling confused and sad. Nancy

 

We have a lot of information about this relationship from this short note. Here we have two people who very clearly care about each other.  And they miss each other! You would almost think that this is the perfect relationship. As Nancy says, the No Contact rule worked like a textbook picture for her. And this is wonderful. What this tells us is that all hope is not lost here.

What I can also see from this short note, Nancy, is that there are two things that you need in order to find satisfaction in this relationship. So first off, you need some relationship advice on how to navigate long-distance relationships, when you both care about each other very much. The second thing you need to figure out, is what you actually want from this relationship. I am not quite sure that you know what you want here. You seem torn to me, but that’s not a bad thing. I think in every relationship we experience that at some point during the course of the relationship. And when you add the complication of a long distance relationship to the mix, it’s very easy to feel torn.

Should you stay or should you go?

This is not a question that I can answer for you, Nancy. This is a question that you need to answer yourself. But, having been in this situation before, I can give you a few tips and clues on how to sort this one out. For starters, you need to really think about this person, what they mean to you, and how badly you do or do not want them in your life.

When you undergo that time of reflection to really soul search and come up with that answer, I want you to take the distance out of the equation. Just do this soul-searching on the basis of this guy alone. Can you see yourself or your life without him? If so, then you know what you need to do. But if you can’t, then you also know what you need to do.

If you want things to progress here, my suggestion is that you sit him down for a skype session and just hash it out with him one way or another.  Check out our 7 ways to find intimacy with your partner first, so that you are emotionally in the right place.  Then, send a teaser text or email to gauge his temperature on the relationship and see how he responds. It could be a cute quote meme from the Internet, or just some brief but minor thoughts letting him know that you think of him and miss him. While you wait for his response, check out some of our articles on what to do after the No Contact Zone is over, and how to use that time during the No Contact Zone.

I agree with your friends, a trip to Denver out of the blue may not be the best idea. Yet. Not doing so is one way to make him miss you. You don’t want to be too available for him just yet without knowing what he really wants. But you can learn how to get your boyfriend back by just taking a few simple but casual steps that will let him know your interested.

I have hope for your case. I think in this situation he may respond exactly how you want him to. He already has before! And do let us know how this one turns out. Dear Readers, what do you think Nancy should do? How do you keep the sparks alive in your long distance relationships?

Make Him Miss You: Can my Sister Contact him for me During the No Contact Period?

By

Relationship Advice to Make HIm Miss YouWe have all been in a situation where we want to know how to make him miss us, and we will do just about anything to reach that point. This is exactly why we get a lot of letters from women asking us how can we make him miss you without looking needy and desperate. Unfortunately, our emotions take over sometimes, and you work so hard to get your boyfriend back that what you end up doing is driving him farther away.

Then when that happens, you try and take even more desperate means to make him miss you or get your boyfriend back. It’s a vicious cycle. And none of it feels good. Relationships are supposed to feel good! And when they don’t, that’s when we start seeking relationship advice.

We have a reader who was in a relationship that appeared to have some regular and frequent problems. She feels like she drove him away, or was unhappy some of the time in a way that drove him away, and now she wants to know how to make him miss her. She’s doing very well in the sense that she knows she needs to engage the No Contact zone at this point, but has run into a bit of a pickle. She wants to know if it’s OK if her sister contact him for her, during the No Contact zone.

I think you all know what my answer this one is going to be.

The short answer? No.

If you are having someone else contact him for you during the No Contact zone, you are breaking the rules of the No Contact period.  No Contact is No Contact, period.  That means by you, by your sister, by your friend, by the pizza delivery guy, by anyone.  But let’s have a look at this letter in more detail.

I’ve been with my bf for 4 years he decided to break up in one of the most difficult moment and also because of an argument during this moment. We have many argument but it never actually call quits it was more like a 2 hours no speaking moment. We have a lot of communication problems as in when there is a disagreement/argument he never wants to talk about it he just say he’s done with the relationship but he never really ends it.

 I moved so we’ve spent this month would be 1 year away from each other. He has complained that I never smile around him which I do, I just have this natural look on my face that I’ve actually had/made all my life which makes look upset but I’m not along with other issues like telling him stop doing things that he’s always done even if it was a joke he claims it wasn’t. I  have been a little more happier now than before I moved. Is there hope that we can be together again.

 I’m doing the No Contact period it’s been a week. But I also asked my sister to ask him what’s going on with us he said he doesn’t want to talk about it and we’re done but he told me to promise him to always be together no matter what, and that I was the only female he ever loved like he loved me if you get what I mean. Is he just hurt and there’s hope, he just need space or should i stop fighting? Monifah

 Happiness is a choice.

The first thing I want to say to our friend, is that what I can see clearly from this letter is that there is a deep sense of dissatisfaction in this relationship. I do not know if this is an overall sense of dissatisfaction in life in general, or if we are just unhappy in this relationship altogether. One piece of relationship advice I want to give to this friend, and to all of our friends, is that happiness is a choice you make. In other words, it is not something that happens to you. It is something that you need to consciously decide in your life.

Life is set up in such a way that it is going to be ripe with hills and valleys. Never judge your book by the cover of somebody else’s. We look at pretty and wealthy people all the time, and it is human nature to just compare our lives with them, and then we promptly feel bad about our lives.  This is not the way to lead to successful life, and it is certainly not going to help you have successful relationships. If you want happy relationships, you have to choose it. If you want a happy life, you have to decide, and make that conscious choice to have a happy life.

Our dear friend here is in a relationship where she is getting some good communication and some good relationship advice from her own boyfriend. He saying to her that he doesn’t think she’s happy, and that she even looks like she’s unhappy quite a lot of the time. This is sad for me. But this happens to all of us!  What I really like about what you were doing here, dear reader, is that you are validating his concerns and consciously working on improving your overall outlook. That’s very important, and I want to congratulate you on that!

You need to keep doing that! But most importantly, you need to make the active choice every single day of your life to be happy that day. And that means, you need to decide to be happy no matter what happens to you that day. We all have bad days. And we all have bad things happening in our lives. Yes, even the pretty and wealthy people. Believe it or not, sometimes the pretty and wealthy people have bigger problems than we will ever have.

So if you’re going to compare yourself to them, that’s the way to do it. Be thankful that you don’t have their problems. So I just wanted to cover that issue of overall happiness before we look into this relationship in more detail.

The No Contact zone

Our dear friend here knows enough about her own relationship to know that she needs a little bit of a breather in it. And it does sound like there’s a bit of tension between you and your partner as far as your overall happiness in the relationship as well. So I think that you are right, that the best thing for both of you right now is a little bit of space. And that means of course, launching The No Contact zone.  So you need to do that, you need to do that right away, and you need to make the conscious choice to stick to it.

That also means, do you not have your sister text him to see how he’s doing. Do not send pizza to his house and then bug the pizza delivery guy to see how he’s doing. No Contact means No Contact.  This is hard to do! I get it! Have a look at how to stay true to this Rule because it will help.

This is a difficult and stressful time, I know.  And all you want to do is talk to him and hear from him and know that things are OK with him.  We’ve all been there!  But I really think that you will see that if you can stick to this, that it will really work for you.

He likes you!

My gut instinct on this one, is that he really likes you, he just doesn’t like seeing you so unhappy all the time. Men feel fulfilled when they are able to make their partner happy. Believe it or not, the key to making a man happy in your relationship is making sure that he knows that you’re making him happy!  Men want to feel cherished and adored and respected and appreciated and exactly the same way that we do! When you give him a little bit of space, and focus on your own happiness, this will come naturally to you.

Spend the next 30 days in the No Contact zone, and begin really practicing on getting that smile back on your face. Distract yourself with so many activities, and keep yourself busy on things that make you smile. By the time that No Contact zone is over, it will be that much easier for you to touch base with him in a very brief and casual way and let him know that he makes you smile. And when you do contact him again after 30 days, I would do it just that way. In a very brief and casual way that lets him know that he is the source of your smile that day.

You do not want to give him the impression that your happiness depends on him.  The No Contact zone will give him a chance to make him miss you. And then when you touch base with him again, and he sees how happy and full of your life is, you’ll have a better chance of seeing how to get your boyfriend back by reminding him how appreciated he is to you.

I also think you would benefit in checking to see if you are making any of these 3 dating mistakes, and reviewing ways to bring that intimacy and connection back when  you get your boyfriend back. If you have questions, shoot them in the comment below or send me another note. Do not stray from this plan! No. Contact. It shows him you are confident in your worth, and this will reeeeeaaaally make him miss you.

That kind of confidence in your own self-worth, and your own happiness, is very attractive. It is actually irresistible to men!  So try these things my dear, and you let us know how this goes. Dear readers have you ever been in this kind of situation? What do you do to try and fill out your own life with your own personal sense of joy?

 

 

Dating Advice for Women: How Do I Get Him Back If He’s Not My Boyfriend

By

Dating Advice When He's Not Your BoyfriendThere is nothing more frustrating in the dating game than scaring a guy off, and then running like a hamster on the wheel to try and get your boyfriend back. If you really want to know how to get your boyfriend back after you have scared him a little bit, you’ve got to give him some space.  This is the hardest relationship advice and dating advice for women to accept, because our intuitive desire when something like this happens is to try and fix things.

But at the other end of the line, there is a person that right now needs space, and doesn’t want things to be fixed. The only way you can make him miss you, is to actually make him miss you by giving him the space that he obviously needs. And sometimes signals got crossed along the way. Sometimes we only date someone a few times, but realize this is someone with some amazing potential, and will do anything to keep that person in our lives. But unfortunately, that “doing anything” to keep him with you, is exactly what will drive him away.

The most common time for these mistakes in a relationship is early in the relationship. And as I always say, if you feel something magical and if you feel a spark, the chances that the other person does too is very real and tangible. But you cannot rush a spark along, or you’re going to wind up with a big explosion. So if you want to get someone back, that you’re not even sure where they stand with you because it’s early, you really have to tread lightly.

We have a reader involved in this very sort of scenario. The dating relationship is very early, but on the plus side for her, she has already met his mother. As we all know, this doesn’t happen often unless the guy is thinking seriously. But at the same time, meeting someone’s family is not your cue from Universe to dive in and push that spark into a full-blown explosion. And it looks like this is what’s happened here with our reader. Let’s have a look at Judith’s story.

Would the No Contact rule work, if he is not my boyfriend?

We were just talking for a month and a half, we went on four dates. I met his mom.

I was extremely desperate after he asked for space, and the last text I sent him was extremely long, telling him I want him back and I apologized and how much I appreciated him and hopefully we could see each other. But its been a week a few days, I haven’t heard. Before that message I had texted him a few days earlier and he hasn’t replied to my last text if he was interested. I think I scared him off, but I really want him back.  Judith

So here we have a situation of a relationship and its very early stages, but with some promise. We have a relationship where four dates happened in a month and a half, and that’s pretty good progress in itself. That’s a lot of contacts for two people that are just getting to know each other.  Then she met his mother.

Where this relationship went wrong

I suspect that it was at this point in the relationship where things went sour, because mixed signals were being sent all across-the-board by both parties. I’ve talked about Mixed Signals Guy before.  I really try to suggest not meeting family members until you have a known commitment in place that you both have discussed and talked over, and have made that commitment together. But life is life, and today’s family is so much different then family life of generations of yore, and sometimes you just can’t control this.

I don’t really know what the exact situation was as to how you met his mother, or what the circumstances were. Was it an accident? Did you happen to see her when you stopped at his house one day to pick up a sandwich or watch a movie or something? Was it a planned meeting where you all knew that this was going to be a big moment in your dating experience? I don’t know. So it’s hard for me to make any assumptions at all on how meeting his mother plays into your overall relationship outlook.

That being said, it is still a very good sign that you met his mother. But if things went sour shortly after that I have a few possible reasons for this.  I think what happened at this point in the relationship was that you both started feeling some pretty intense feelings, but they weren’t the same intense feelings. And then when you, Judith, began to share your intense feelings, it freaked him out and he put you at arms length.  And then eventually, he cut you off all together. Ouch. Sorry that happened.

This is not to say that I think you did anything wrong. I think it’s perfectly natural for any woman in a relationship to begin to raise their expectations after they’ve met family members of someone that they’ve had four dates with in a month long period.  I think any woman would think and feel and react the same way that you did. And this is why communication is so important in relationships. It’s very easy to make assumptions about where a relationship is going after an experience like that. This is why I always say you should never make assumptions unless you have both had this conversation or communication with each other about what this particular step in your dating life means.

I’m guessing that you did not have this conversation with him.  Now you are left a little confused and as you said yourself, desperate.  But this is a relationship that is not without hope.  Four dates is a lot, and if he likes you enough to keep seeing you at this pace, my guess is that if you were that same girl that you were during that month and a half time frame, he would have those desperate moments erased and replaced with those good memories. And this would be a good foundation for you to build on to make him miss you and get your boyfriend back.  And yes, I think it is safe to call him your boyfriend, but you are in a bit of a break up. Right now, and you need to use this time wisely. But hope is not lost here!

What you need to do

The one thing that you need to do right now, Judith, is give him space. Put down the phone, girlfriends.  Something weird happens to us ladies when we are trying to connect with someone, and they don’t respond. Our heart rate increases, our emotions get on that hamster wheel again, and we begin thinking and questioning and analyzing wondering what the heck is going on. This is the wrong space to be in if you really want to know how to get your boyfriend back. You need to be the cool calm and collected girl, that he obviously went crazy about. So the best way to get back into that cool, calm, and collected girlfriend mode, is to be cool and collected. And that means No Contact right now. Don’t make one of these common dating mistakes and break on this.

Do that for a month. In the meantime, have a look at some of my articles on what to do during the No Contact zone. Fill your life, make yourself very busy and distract yourself so that you’re not thinking or obsessing about this person. And stop texting him. Text everybody else in the world, but do not text him. Let some time pass, I always suggest a month, and THEN reach out again.

When you do reach out again, do not speak about any of your prior problems. Be casual and breezy, and remember to be cool and collected. Send him a funny cartoon that you saw, send him a news article that you want him to look at, just touch base with him in a very casual way that lets him know that you’re thinking of him, and you’re not acting desperate.

Sometimes we women overthink these things. And the best relationship advice is usually the most simple relationship advice for women. If you have scared him off, it is time to not act scary. And sometimes we act scary without even realizing it, because our emotions are in overdrive. Frankly, your emotions are warranted. If a guy introduced me to his mother, and then blew me off, I would have a few problems with him.  And honestly, I might not be all that desperate to get him back if this is the way that he treats me after such an experience. But I don’t know what the circumstances were there, only you do, Judith.

Right now, you need to teach him how to treat you, and that is going to happen by giving him the space that he obviously wants. Then, if after a month you still think a guy like this is worth your time, then shoot him out a text or an email that is very casual and breezy. And let us know what happens! Dear readers, do you think it’s fair that a guy blew her off after meeting his mother? What would you do in the situation? Has it ever happened to you? I’d love to hear more stories on this!

 

Relationship Advice: Should I Leave Him If He’s Using Me For Sex?

By

Relationship Advice SexThere are two kinds of relationships. There are casual relationships that are just for sex or intimacy. And then there are committed relationships where both partners agree to be exclusive and faithful to each other. In both of these kinds of relationships, you need to have communication with each other in order to ensure that you are both on the same page as to what kind of relationship you are in.

If you have not consented to be in a relationship that is strictly sexual, then you need to either get out of this relationship, or have a conversation with the other party and re-define the boundaries in your relationship. The sad thing is, many women find themselves in sex only relationships that they did not consent to be in. And this is the relationship advice that we are giving today. What do you do in this situation?

The answer will always be communication. And if you don’t like the way that conversation goes, then you go into the No Contact zone.

There is nothing wrong with being in a relationship that is strictly sexual, so long as you both have had the conversation that is required to set those boundaries. And if you have not, then you need to have that conversation. And if you have not, and he’s treating you as if those are the boundaries and your relationship, then you still need to have that conversation. In fact, if that is the case, the only step you can take to save your relationship is to have that conversation.

Nobody deserves to be used for intimacy. At the same time, there’s nothing wrong with those kind of relationships, if that is clearly defined. But when it is not, is when I hear from the other party that is sad and confused and feeling used. So this is what our reader is asking us about today. Have a look at Christina’s question.

 So, Michelle

Should I leave this relationship? for his birthday, He wants to get a motel for a few hours and go back before it gets dark back to his daughter.  And he said “He will tell his daughter, that he’s going out for his birthday by himself !!!!

I’m hurt and confused Christina

Before I say anything about Christina’s question, I want to say, that I try to give relationship advice to help you succeed in your relationships and love affairs, but I really am not in the position to make life-changing decisions for you. So my relationship advice is geared to helping you decide what you can do to take control of your relationships. I can gladly give you dating advice on what decisions would be best for you, but I can’t at the end of the day tell you what to do. So Christina’s question is, should I leave him?” My answer to that is, it really is up to you.

Do You Know What Kind of Relationship You Are In?

Knowing what I have said about the two kinds of relationships that exist will help you come to this decision. The first thing you need to do, Christina, is take inventory on what the status of your relationship is. Are you behind door number one, or are you behind door number two? Or are you behind the very confused door number three that we see in so many of our readers lives? This is that confused area where you’re having sex with him, but you’re not sure if it’s going to go somewhere.

My relationship advice for those that are standing behind door number three, which I suspect is a lot of you, is to clarify the boundaries in your relationship with the other party. Just ask him. I know that it sounds easier said than done, trust me. But that’s the only way you’re going to get out of confuses door number three.

I can’t tell you whether you should leave him or not, because I don’t know what your relationship goals are, I don’t know what his relationship goals are, and I don’t really know what the feelings are in the situation.  But what I can tell you, is that if you are not being treated the way that you want to be treated in love, you absolutely can take control of that situation and get your power back. And you absolutely should!

You Are In Control of Your Romantic Destiny

I have to be honest, I’ve never quite heard of a situation like this that you described, that wasn’t usually consensual. And it sounds to me like you’re having problems with it, so it’s clearly not a situation where two consenting adults are concerned. Now that does not mean I think he’s forcing himself on you. But I do think he may be forcing you to have a kind of relationship that you don’t really want to have.  Otherwise, you wouldn’t be writing to me and you’d be perfectly happy going to motel rooms with the guy that wants to do everything in the dark and in secret.

So now that we have had the usual talk about defining boundaries, and deciding what you want in loving relationships, now you want to know what you can do about this. And there is a lot that you can do!

First, get into the No Contact zone with him. Do not wait, do that today.   Send him a very loving and kind text or email that thanks him for all the great times. But bring to his attention that the current situation is in a place that you don’t want it to be, and that you’re not comfortable with that. Tell him you are yourself going to “go dark” for a little while.  Then tell him, if he ever finds himself on the same page as you relationship wise, to give you a call, and that you’ll be very happy to hear from him if he does.

Those few steps are going to take care of all of your relationship problems with this particular gentlemen who seems to only want you for one thing. I would recommend that you read some of our relationship advice articles on what to do during the No Contact zone, and what you do after the No Contact soon when you both have had time to think about where your relationship has had it. I also recommend you have a look to see how to know when it’s time to walk away.

And as always, please do drop us a line and follow up with us on how the situation went. Dear readers how do you handle situations where you’re both on different pages in terms of relationship status? Dear Christina, I think you can make him miss you. But I don’t think you should go back to him unless he’s really on the same page as you. So set those boundaries, and let us know how this goes.

Dating Advice For Women Dating Mr. Narcissist

By

Relationship Advice NarcissistsSadly, we got a lot of questions from women that have a really bad history of picking the wrong man. The best relationship advice for women that have difficulty with picking someone that treats them well is to make a clean break. But sometimes, this is not always realistic. We also get a lot of questions about how to make him miss you when you live together. This makes things complicated!

We have a reader today that is dealing with all of these issues. Tammy is a reader who has a history of picking man that our misogynists, or narcissists.  She doesn’t know what to do about it and she has found herself in another relationship where she’s being treated poorly. Her biggest question is “How do I know how I want to be treated?”

The answer to that one is simple. Clearly, Tammy already knows how she wants to be treated. But because she keeps picking questionable men, or men with issues, she’s not being treated the way she needs to be and the way she deserves to be. It’s very difficult to make him miss you when he’s a narcissist or misogynist and is only thinking of himself. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get him back. Even narcissist can be lovable, if they really want a genuine and authentic relationship to work.

But what can you do, Tammy, to make that happen? That’s what we’re going to talk about today, because sadly, many women are in the same boat as you. Here’s Tammy’s letter.

 Hello!

I have married and divorced an abusive narcissist I had 2 children with. He was a sex addict so that sort of defined my understanding of intimacy, since I had little / no emotional connection to my parents because I come from a family of 9 kids, very strict religious upbringing.  My parents had entirely unrealistic standards, and I ended up with an asshole.

Fast forward 2 years and I got dragged into dating another sex addict due to having poor emotional boundaries and not knowing anything about dating or respecting myself.  This guy was even more of a winner, cheated, misogynistic, and just downright crass, low class, crude, and disgusting. He grabbed and pawed at me like a pig, and bossed me around in the bedroom and forced me into a submissive position.

The only way I know to feel close to someone is sex, or talking. I’m currently dating a man that has the same socioeconomic background as the second guy I dated (I think his father used a lot of language that was derogatory towards women – for example the other night I came out of the bathroom after I’d put coconut oil on after a shower and he says “look at you all greased up like a stripper” and after the fact I realized that I stuff a lot of feelings in this relationship,  because it made me ANGRY  that he said that. We tried having sex later on, and it did NOT work out because he couldn’t stay hard. I think it’s because his remark really hurt me. I tried to explain this to him, and he tried to deny he said what he did, but I did not allow him to deny it. He shut down after that, and turned away from me and moved further to his side of the bed. I told him this kind of talk is insulting, why on earth would you tell the woman you love she looks like a stripper?!?

I have been finding more and more that he makes these comments and I try to ignore them but I hate them. I’ve allowed it to continue for 5 years, because every time I have tried to communicate with him, he tells me he can’t change who he is, or that he can’t change his family (he can’t seem to own that his language is inappropriate – he thinks “it’s just joking” and then he will make passive aggressive comments to “mock” my feelings afterwards, which he swears up and down that he’s not doing to stab at me, but that’s how it feels. It’s important to note that while I was getting away from the abusive relationship I was in, he was also struggling with a drug addicted mother, who destroyed his house and ran around on him. So we both understand a lot of things about each other that other people don’t,  and we have built a lot of good things together, including getting a house recently with our 3 kids. I just think he needs to be taught how to be tender, respectful, and use language during sex that isn’t crass or crude or something he learned from a porno. I know he wants to communicate better aND what I have asked him, he has done to the best of his ability,  but for things I don’t clearly define, he seems to have little or no imagination and he’s very obtuse as expected from a man, and it comes across as cutting sometimes even though I know he doesn’t mean it that way – because I will straight up tell him…. “your body language and actions are telling me X ” and he can’t argue that.

How do I know how I want to be treated,  touched, and talked to if all I know is from toxic men, and now a man who is a product of our society, in that he has little or no understanding of being tender / classy but takes any type of change or criticism as an attack and an insult? It’s difficult to say what I need when he responds with a frustrated tone / like he’s expecting me to scold him like a child when I just want him to understand how I feel, and that I don’t want him to be little my feelings?

He grew up with a good father but he was controlling and the family functioned by using sarcastic bickering to communicate, and I can’t get him to acknowledge feelings a lot, because I think he is terrified if he validates them, that they will take over the situation or he will lose control. I really can’t take much more of this.

I have an appointment with my therapist for both of us this month, but I was hoping you could give some advice, or possibly recommend a book that teaches you how to know what you need so you can communicate / help your man to change & treat you differently… Tammy

I have included the letter in its entirety because there is so much going on with this poor girl, and I want to be sure that we cover it all today. The reason being, I know so many women that find themselves in this exact same situation. Our entire program would not exist if men everywhere treated women the way they deserved and needed to be treated. But the sad fact remains, it just doesn’t happen. Tammy wants to know how she can learn what she deserves. But the truth is, Tammy, you already know the answer to that or you wouldn’t be writing me at all. What you really want to know is how to get him to treat you the way that you need to be in the way that you deserve to be.

You Can’t Change What You Can’t Acknowledge

Well there are a few old sayings I’m going to bring up that will turn the light bulb on for you on this one. The first being, you can’t change what you can’t acknowledge. So as far as your part in the relationship is concerned, you are acknowledging that this isn’t working and this needs to change. But the only thing you have the power to change is your reaction and your responses to being treated poorly. You have absolutely no control over how he responds or reacts to your needs and what you deserve.

In other words, only he can change what HE acknowledges. If he does not acknowledge that he’s not treating you well, then there is very little that I can do right now. For him. But what I can do for you, is offer some relationship advice that will help you to go after what you need and what you deserve, and help you to pursue, actively, what you need and what you deserve.  So that’s the approach that we’re going to take care of today. And this is the approach that any woman that is dating a narcissist can and should take.

This is a situation where you are sharing finances and children and a home together, so it is even more important for you to express to him that something needs to change here. I’m glad that you have a therapist that can help you out with some relationship advice as well, and there you will also learn the need for being the one in control of this situation in your life.  I think one thing that we can all agree on by reading your letter is that he is not treating you well.

Set Boundaries – There’s No Excuse For Being Mean

You mentioned a lot of reasons for him not treating you well, he has a bad life, a drug addicted mother, family members that destroyed his home, and all sorts of things like that. You also mentioned that he needs to be taught how to be respectful. I agree with this. He needs to make some changes here. What I don’t agree with, is that having a bad life is an excuse for treating someone poorly. It’s not.

So it’s time for you to have a talk with him, and lay out your needs and what you deserve as kindly as possible. I would recommend that you also into the No Contact zone. But in your situation, because you live with him, you can’t go cold turkey not talking to him. But you can go cold turkey without intimacy.   So my recommendation to you would be to enter a physical No Contact zone until you all have sort of figured out what each of you needs to do in this relationship to make it work.

I don’t like that he mocks you when you express your feelings and what you need in this relationship. That is a very big red flag, and you are spot on that he might be a narcissist or misogynist, like your other boyfriends.  And the biggest problem with narcissists is that they will never change because it’s impossible for them to acknowledge that they’ve done wrong to somebody else. It has happened, but it’s rare. So the next time you have a talk with him and have expressed to him what you need and what you deserve, you need to immediately launch the No Contact zone.

Tell him you need to take a break from physical intimacy while you sort your thoughts and feelings out, and while he supports his thoughts and feelings out. Basically, start from scratch in your relationship as if it’s your first date, even though you are living together and share children. Tell him that you want to explore things in a relationship that have nothing to do with intimacy, and that in order for you to stay in this relationship, you need him to respect those boundaries.  Let him know that when you feel comfortable with him again, and feel that he is respecting your needs and boundaries, you will be willing to go back to the physical side of your relationship. And I would give that a good 30 days like any other No Contact zone.

If he loves you and really wants to make it work, he will acknowledge what he needs to change, and make those changes. He will do that because he loves you and wants you to be happy. But if he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. I would recommend for your own personal safety that you had this conversation with him in a public place, like when you’re out for lunch or having a coffee or something. I don’t recommend having the conversation privately, by text or email, or in a place where it’s just the two of you alone as he will be given many opportunities to be little and do you mean your desires and your wishes. I’m not saying that he’ll do that, but you can take away that option for him by doing this in a public place. After that, take one step at a time just putting 1 foot in front of the other slowly but surely every day until you feel peace.

The most important relationship advice that I could ever give to anybody, is that sometimes you don’t want to get your boyfriend back. And that’s because sometimes they treat you badly. But there is hope in this relationship because you have an extended history with him. But at the same time, you don’t want to lose more years of your life by being treated poorly.

So the best relationship advice I could give you right now, Tammy, is to love your Self first.  Acknowledge what you can change, and make sure that your needs and desires are clearly defined and your boundaries are said. And if he doesn’t make them? Well then he doesn’t meet them and he doesn’t deserve to be with you.

Have a look at some of our articles that will help you determine whether or not you’re in an abusive situation, or things you can do to put yourself first. Because it’s time that you started! Dear readers, do you have any relationship vice for our friend? Have you ever been in a relationship with a narcissist?

Relationship Advice: How to Make Him Miss You After 9 Years

By

Relationship Advice To Make Him Miss YouWhen it comes to relationship questions seeking dating advice for women, one of the most common questions that we get relates to women that feel like they are putting in all of the effort. We also get a lot of questions on how to heal after cheating, or how to make him miss you after a really long time in the relationship. We have a relationship question today from one reader who is dealing with all three of these issues. She’s dealing with an on-again off-again relationship that has been ongoing for nine years, has experience cheating, and is a situation now where she is doing all the work and wondering if all hope is lost. Here’s a look at her question.

Michelle,

My ex and I have been in an on again off again relationship for 9 years now. He loves to play the victim role even when he is at fault. In our most recent breakup, he cheated on me and I found out although I told him I forgave, those were just words. Each chase I got I would remind him of the mistakes he’s made. It’s like throughout the years our gets stronger and the connection we have is undeniable. We went for a period of 3 months were he was simply ignoring me. When I finally gave it another true, he went straight for we should just be friends, nothing is going to help our situation even with forgiveness. I can honestly say that I’ve healed from the past hurts, but regret is weighing in on me, do I walk away or fight? Why am I always the begging to keep us together? He said we aren’t made for success and our relationship has run its course. He has also sad if we didn’t go through everything we went through maybe we’d have a chance, but he’s lost hope after our last argument and he isn’t ready to be with anyone no time soon. He has also said our relationship isn’t stable, so why be in it. Throughout the break up I’ve made contact and yes I’ve begged for him to reconsider and so has his family, but nothing has come out of it. Is all hope lost? Niecy

You have got a lot going on with this relationship, Niecy, and I can honestly say that if there are feelings happening in both parties in this relationship, all hope is not lost. Now, I do not know what the status is of this gentleman’s relationship right now, but I do know that if you have nine years together, there is definitely hope for this relationship.

So that’s the good news. While I don’t have any bad news per se, I do have a question that I want you to seriously reflect on. Why do you want to stay in this relationship?

This is one of those situations where it would be very easy for me to apply the No Contact Rules to you, and just advise you to wait it out. But if you want real relationship advice that will not only make him miss you, but also strengthen this relationship, I have a few pointers there as well today.

No Contact, Cold Turkey

First, you have to definitely go into the No Contact zone, cold turkey. I think it’s a good idea here to send him one last little text or email, and just let him know that you’re grateful for him, you’re grateful for the times that you’ve had, and that you’re going to respect his boundaries and his wishes and just take a little break. Because you have had trouble staying in the No Contact Zone before, he’s probably expecting to hear from you. But when he does hear from you, if he hears what I just outlined above, you will take him back a little bit. And that’s a good thing!

He’s going to be expecting you to contact him and continue your previous history of begging him to stay with you. When you don’t do that, you’re going to get his wheel spinning on this one.

Second, be sure that you never ever again remind him of mistakes that he has made in the past. He knows he cheated, you know he cheated, and your relationship is what it is today because of all of that. But no man is rushing into the arms of a woman that is always reminding them of their mistakes. No man. So let this one go. If you have genuinely healed from this mistake of his, then you won’t need to bring it up. So before you contact him at all ever again, be certain with your own Self that you are healed from this mistake of his. And if you aren’t, you’re going to need some time before you even think of giving this relationship hope again. And there’s nothing wrong with that! If you need time, take it.

Lastly, when you send him that little goodbye text or email that you will send before you enter the No Contact zone, remember to be nothing but positive. This is sort of a combination of the first two steps from above. But the little addendum that I want to add to this step is that you want to not only stay positive, but also set boundaries.

Set Boundaries

So there are ways that you can focus on what you need when you’re speaking with him, without sounding derogatory or negative. This is going to be another thing that will take him back when he reads this message of yours. The key to this is staying positive, being clear about your boundaries, and making it about you and not him. When you do this, you give him valuable information. And one man in the state of limbo receive information like this, it does trigger a switch to change if they really want to give this relationship hope. So you’re going to send him a text or email that sounds something like this:

“Hey, Frank, no I’m not writing to annoy you *wink.* I have just been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on things related to our relationship. I feel like after nine years, it’s the least I can do for you, and the wonderful years and times that we had together. I am not ready to just give it all up just yet, but I do think that those nine years and our experiences deserve some time and thoughts. I realize now that we are on different pages when it comes to what we each need, and what we each have to offer this relationship. As such, I think I just need a little bit of a break to clear my head and think on this a little bit more. I want to thank you for everything that you’ve done for me over the years, and for giving me nine years of some very wonderful memories. You have absolutely been a value to my life. I know we all make mistakes, I have too, and I am ready to move forward in my life without focusing on the past. But I need some time to think about this before anything else happens. I need and deserve someone that is there for me 100% of the time, and supports me and his faithful to me during the entire time in our relationship. I’m just not sure that we’re on the same page right now. So I’m going to take a little bit of a break to think about it, and I promise I won’t bother you again for a little while. If you’d like to touch base and hash this out over coffee or something, I would be open to that after I have done some thinking. Until then, know that you remain in my thoughts and I wish you nothing but the best and ultimate happiness that life has to offer you. Best!”

And there you have it. So, stay positive, don’t bring up his mistakes in a negative way, make it about what you need and what your boundaries are. When you do, you will dangle that carrot in front of him that you’re still available if he’s able to meet those needs. And if he’s not, then it’s his loss. That’s a real way to make him miss you.

Yes, the No Contact zone will be very difficult for you, especially since you’ve had a problem with that in the past. Don’t worry girlfriend, we’ve all been there! So take a minute to read some of our articles on what to do after the No Contact Rule is engaged and how to stay true to it, and what to do after the No Contact zone to maintain that peaceful and harmonious vibe.

Until then, keep checking back here as we are always posting relationship advice questions, and you might see more answers that will apply to your specific situation. Dear readers, what would you do in the situation?

Relationship Advice When You’re Dating Mr. Someone Else’s Husband

By

You might be surprised how often we get the question, “How do I make him miss me when he’s married to someone else?”  We get it a lot. If you’ve been reading this site for more than a few articles, then you probably already know what my answer to this one is going to be. I have no judgement in these situations for the women that are treated poorly by married men. Or by anyone, male or female married that is playing with someone else’s heart, when that someone else is not legally contracted to you through marriage.  While I reserve judgement, I do have some relationship advice for women that find themselves in this situation though.  Here’s Salisha’s concern.

HI , I have been dating a married man for 5 years now…. its been 2 years since we saw each other but we do chat on the phone and video call each other. I love him very much but now he decided to let go due to me been out and spending time with my girlfriends. He is a very immature man and wants me to give him every detail of what i am doing threw the day. Please help me get him back. Salisha.

 First, I’m a little confused by the timeline on this one. Are the two years of separation part of the five years? Because if they are, then you haven’t been dating him for 5 years. You dated, and have been chatting on the phone and Skype or what have you for 2 years.  That’s still a relationship though, you just can’t call it dating. Dating is when you are seen out in public with someone who is proud to be with you.

So you’ve been involved in a relationship for 5 years with a married man. That is a long time to pin your hopes on someone. What happens to many women in this situation is that they think they will be The Next One, to make him divorce The One That Came First.  So they stay, and they stay, and they wait for the divorce, and they stay and they wait, and get sadder with every passing day. Five years later they are writing me, or someone else, wondering what to do about it.

If you want to know how to get your married boyfriend back, you need to enter the No Contact zone immediately, and cold turkey. Nobody has the right to make you report to them on your daily comings and goings. Nobody.  A married person has even fewer rights to do so. It’s none of his beeswax what you are doing through the day, or who you are doing it with.  He’s doing this because he’s a cheater, and has trust issues because he knows how easy it is to cheat.  But that’s his stuff, not yours.  Next time he asks you that, ask him how the wife and kids are doing. He won’t ask again. And if he does, hang up the phone or end the skype/facetime chat.

I agree with you, Salisha, that he sounds very immature. This is the guy that wants to have his cake and eat it too. You already know that he has relationship issues, and has difficulty sustaining a healthy relationship, or difficulties dealing with a relationship in a healthy way. That was a fact in your case before you even started dating.

It’s not your job to carry his baggage.

Anyone, man or woman, that starts dating other people while married is not good relationship material. They have baggage before you even say hello. Now he wants you to carry his for him? Nuh uh sister.  That is not your job.

Your job when it comes to dating is to find someone that makes you feel like a better person. Your job is to find someone that loves you, even those little annoying quirks that we all have, and accepts you fully and completely. You should feel BETTER about your Self when you are dating or in a relationship. You should never, ever feel worse. The moment you start feeling worse, is the moment you need to come up with your exit plan.

And you know in your heart that is my relationship advice for you, right, Salisha? To create your exit plan. This man is legally contracted to someone else. You don’t want to get in the way of this.  Do you really want to testify on a stand about your nitty gritty relationship details? It could happen.  It has happened to many other women in your exact situation.  That’s only one of about a million reasons what is happening in your love life is a really bad idea.

Marriage is a legal contract. He is breaching that contract by his behavior, and dragging you into his own baggage. This is not your job to enable him. My suggestion to you would be to get as far away from this hot mess as you can.

Ahhhh but you love him. I get it. He obviously does care for you as well or he wouldn’t be so obsessed about your comings and goings. But he doesn’t have a right to that while he is involved in a legal contract with someone else. So don’t let him.

I don’t know if this can be saved or not. In your favor you have history and love. In the “against” column you have one really big item – another marriage. So before either of you can engage in a healthy relationship with each other, you each need to singly take care of your own relationship in a healthy and legally acceptable manner. For him, that’s going to have to be figuring out what he wants.

You deserve more than being someone’s sloppy seconds.  A lot more. Worlds more. You deserve a guy that takes you out and public and smiles to the waiter, “That’s MY date!!”  There are guys out there like that. But I’m guessing Mr. Married doesn’t want to go out in public with you in case someone sees you two together. That is not okay, and such a disrespect to both you and his wife.

She could be a total psycho that sets animals on fire for all I know, and I would still give you the same advice. Maybe he doesn’t belong to her. Clearly, he questions that himself. But he’s gotta take care of that business before he’s anywhere near the healthy state of mind to take care of you. You deserve at least that.

And you need to tell him that. Tell him you are going No Contact, cold turkey. I’m not even going to say 30 days on this. Tell him this is happening indefinitely, until he figures out his own life. You owe him no explanations on what you do with yours until then. If you want to get your boyfriend back and make him miss you, this is what you have to do. It’s for your own peace of mind. You will feel so much better when you do, even when you miss him during that space.

During that time, go out and do whatever you want enjoying the freedom that comes with not having to report back to Mr. Married. And let us know how this goes, okay? I’ll be thinking of you. Dear readers, what do you think Salisha should do about Mr. Married guy? Has anyone else cut him off cold turkey with good results?

Dating Advice: No Contact Period Instructions to Get Your Boyfriend Back

By

When it comes to relationship advice, we all love to read it. Then we file it away and hope we never have to use it. But life is life, and no relationship is perfect. Nope. Not even the ones that have gone on for fifty plus years. When we remember that the root word in relationships is “relate,” we will have better relationships. Waiting for something to happen to you in your love life will leave you with a very sorrowful love life. How are you “relating” in your personal relationship experience right now? If that needs some work, it might be time to dig into the files of your archived relationship advice inside you, and start putting it to work. It might be time for you to become the captain of your romantic Destiny.

One piece of relationship advice that many readers, and many women everywhere, struggle with, is the “No Contact Period” after a breakup or separation. Women just want to fix what is wrong so they can have things go back to the way they were. Am I right? Sound familiar? The “No Contact Period” seems too difficult. But we get readers touching base all of the time letting us know that it works! You just have to work it. You have to be in charge of your relationship Destiny, and be the one pulling the strings in your life. But how do you do that?

As far as the No Contact Zone is concerned, it’s very simple. You just have to have no contact for about 30 days. It’s easier said than done, I know. We have a reader who is struggling with this. So today we are going to go step by step and review how to engage the No Contact Zone. Time for you to be in charge! Here’s Ruvimbo’s story.

Hi Michelle … I broke up with my boyfriend weeks ago but i have been texting on a weekly basis begging trying to straighten things up till he told me yesterday I’m acting desperate and I’m pushing him further away. I love him we broke up because he said he wanted to be alone we dated for 5 months we had fun and I felt like he was the one. After the broke up always tried not to contact him but I ended up doing so. Is there any hope that I can get him back. Ruvimbo.

Hi Ruvimbo, thanks for touching base! Your biggest challenge here is staying in the No Contact Zone. He’s giving you valuable information here – you are contacting him too much. It’s your job now to “relate” to him in a way that makes him happy, and you happy. Right now you are relating to him in a way that makes you both miserable. So it’s time to stop your current way of doing things, and try something new.

As for your question on hope, I have some thoughts for you. We are not in the business of selling hope. Just sound relationship advice that you can and should use. I don’t know this individual well enough to know where he stands or how he feels. But if you were together for five months, I suspect there are some feelings there from him. Feelings never just go away. So I would take that a step further and say there is always hope in relationships, where real feelings preside. Whether that is your situation or not right now remains to be seen.

But the truth is, whether there is hope or not, is not your biggest problem. You are not happy. He is giving you information that reflects that he is not happy. So how can we fix this? You need to enter the No Contact Zone in a way that brings you back to your happy place. When you find that YOU are in charge of what happens next, you will see a LOT of that happy place return. Follow these steps for the No Contact Period, to the letter, do not waiver, and within time you will begin to feel easier.

1. Delete him from your phone, email, Facebook, Twitter, everything.

If you don’t have his contact information, it makes it that much more difficult for you to contact him, right? Do not block him when you do this. Just dis-engage and make him invisible for a little while. You can use the “mute” feature on Twitter if you don’t want to delete him completely, and he won’t even know you did it. You can “unfollow” on Facebook, or add him to another list of friends on your Facebook so that you don’t see his posts. Not being exposed to these things, while you are trying to clear your head in the No Contact Zone is going to help you tremendously. But you have to actually do it!

Remember, you are not deleting him forever. You are just putting him aside for now, to help him, and to help YOU, be a happier person relating in this experience.

2. Do NOT visit his social media pages.

This is an extension of the previous bit of relationship advice. Unfollowing him or putting his information aside for a little while is great. But if you are unfollowing him, and then creeping his Facebook every day just to get your daily fix, this is not the No Contact Zone. So this step is worth an extra mention. Do NOT visit his social media pages. The goal of the No Contact Zone is not just to give you both a little space and breathing, but it’s to clear your head from the distraction of the pain in this relationship. So, just, let that go for a little while. Remember, this is not forever. And don’t beat yourself up about any of it either. We’ve ALL creeped an ex’s Facebook at one point.

3. Take your life back for 30 days.

They say old habits die hard and when we are trying to get rid of them, we need to replace them with something else. So find something to do now that replaces the time you have spent contacting him, texting him, creeping his social media. Replace it with something fun, something that fills you with joy. Many experts say to break habits you need to be doing some replacement for at least two weeks. This is why I have the No Contact Zone for 30 days. That extra two weeks really makes a difference.

Start a new fitness program, join a club or pick up a new hobby, spend more time with your friends, get a new job, spend more time with YOU. I also encourage you to read some of our older stories to help you feel uplifted during this 30 days, which may be stressful for you.

Have a look at the Top 3 Dating Mistakes you may be making, and see if that helps. You may also want to review, “Get Him Back After Pushing Him Away.” Don’t worry so much about him, YOU are your priority now.

Do not under any circumstances contact him during this time frame, if you really want to get your boyfriend back. If you do, you have to start the 30 days for the No Contact Zone all over again.

After 30 days, touch base with him again. If you want. I know some people that reach this point and are having so much fun, and are so happy to be in control of their destiny again, that they don’t even bother. And they hear from him first! This No Contact Period is a powerful tool. When you go from “desperate” to being independent, confident, and in control, it does something with men, because independent, confident, women are very, very attractive.

Right now, he does not want a desperate woman. So, if you want to get your boyfriend back, the best relationship advice I can give you is to show him you are not that person. I know you’re not. Your girlfriends know you are not. So prove it to him. When you do, I believe there is hope and that this is how to get your boyfriend back. Let us know how this works out! Readers, do you have any relationship advice for this friend? Or drop some notes in the comments that let us know how you got your boyfriend back after a situation like this.

 

Dating Advice For The Soul Mate That Has Had Enough

By

Ever been in one of those relationships where it just felt like you were bouncing back and forth with each other, and your feelings? Of course you have. One of the reasons so many couples have a yo-yo relationship, for years, is the soul mate factor. I am no expert on soul mates but one thing I do know about love and relationships is that if you are having the same yo-yo effect in your relationship for years, there’s a high love potential there. This could even be soulmate level. Most relationships do not go on and on like this for years, unless there is SOMEthing keeping that string going on the yo-yo. We get questions from readers about this yo-yo experience all the time. The biggest relationship advice question they have is, “We broke up and what do I do now??”

Today we are going to look at just such a scenario. We have a couple who by all counts, over the course of three years, have told each other they are each other’s soul mate. They’ve broken up multiple times, and each time they find themselves kissing each other eventually. Our reader, Amy, has noted her problems in the relationships, and has owned her part.

That’s a standing ovation from me for that! Some people go their entire lives never figuring this out, that they need to own their part. So Amy has been doing her work on her since the last breakup. Now she wants to know what to do. Let’s have a look at this story.

Its been almost 2 weeks since my ex bf split with me. We were a bit hungover on a Sunday afternoon and I started to nag and annoy him which made him flip out dramatically and him scream “I can’t do this anymore” and leave the house. I fb messaged him the next day to say he was a coward to leave me like that no real explanation and he just confirmed again saying, I just can’t do it with you anymore. I told him he was nothing to me and since then I haven’t spoken to him since.  I’m trying to give him space and using the no contact rule. But I feel like I haven’t a clue what is happening, especially in his head.  A bit about us – We have been together for almost 3 years now, we are best friends we do everything together, and that’s because we both want to…He loves the bones off me, he’s the sweetest guy does anything and everything for me emotionally and physically. He is my soul mate the only person who gets me and I get him and he says this to me 24/7. However, the last half year or so I’ve been insecure about my weight, that I have gained, I’ve had no job, he has been paying for everything helping me. I suppose I’ve got a bit lazy with myself and everything and then of course the nagging.

Last 6 months or so he has broken up with me a few times over WhatsApp/text saying we need to go our separate ways he cant do it blablabla, finding an excuse, leaving me in tears and upset. Straight away I have told him not to and said sorry things will change blablabla. Of course, he comes over and sees me and him being the beautiful soul he is hugs me and stays and we carry on the relationship just like that. But nothing changes, I don’t change. But now I am. I am working on myself, eating healthily, exercising, I’ve lost several pounds already. I’m not drinking. I really can see now what I have done wrong and how I let the fun get sucked out of the relationship because when we are happy my god, we are happy!

What do I do? I want to fix this so bad! Apart from my nagging and moaning, everything was perfect! I am on my tenth day of contact but I think I need to apologise and let him know how I feel. He could just be thinking I am angry and don’t wanna speak to him? What do I do?

 Let’s address the first question: What is he thinking?

 The answer to that is, if he’s not telling you, it’s none of your business. The other answer to that is, you don’t need to know what he is thinking to fix this.  How your relationship functions is not a function of ONLY what he is thinking. You’ve taken some steps already, Amy, that show that you know this. You know you own your part in the split. I can’t congratulate you enough for that.

Never change your weight for a guy, period. But if you know that some nagging issues have led to this demise or breakup, then you know how to fix at least your role in this breakup. If you want to get your boyfriend back, the next step is the No Contact Rule.  You say, “I am trying to follow the No Contact Rule but it’s hard because I don’t know what’s in his head.”

Again, you don’t need to for the No Contact Rule to be successful. You will learn what he is thinking by activating the No Contact Zone immediately. But you have to stay true to it. You can’t just say you aren’t going to contact him, and then give up on your Self because he texted you. The No Contact Period is for YOU to clear your head and get your stuff together. You’ve already started this. But you can’t clear your head when you are answering his messages.

He’s already told you that you are his soul mate.  Those are some serious words! You have the advantage of having true love and experience on your side.  So you can’t make him miss you by being in his face all the time. And that’s what you really want at this stage of the game.

Let’s look at your second question: What do I do now??

 You’ve answered your own question. You know you need the No Contact Period, but you just have to get committed to it.  I talk a lot about How to Stay True to the No Contact Rule. Refresh your memory on that, and make the choice to be committed to it. You want to get your boyfriend back, right? So be as committed to the process, no matter how hard it is, as you are to him.  It is for the benefit of your relationship if he sees what it’s like to go 30 days without hearing back from you.

My guess is that it’s going to be very difficult for him to do this. And through that, you will make him miss you.

Once that 30 days is up, touch base with him about something super minor and breezy. Or just say hi. Make sure you let him know that you’ve been doing a lot of work on you in your quiet time. He will really admire you for that! After he responds, I am confident you can take it from there. Let us know how this goes, we are all rooting for you! Readers, what do you think Amy should do? Have you had a similar soul mate experience?