What to Do When the Relationship is On Again Off Again?

If relationships were cut and dry and black and white then what the world needs now wouldn’t be love, sweet love.  If they were like this, all of the love that is in the world would be exactly where it should be, when it is supposed to be there.  But the truth is that the human variable complicates matters greatly.  Today we are going to touch on that ever elusive concept of….mixed signals.

Anyone that has ever broken up with someone knows just how complicated relationships are.  Even the most cut and dry breakups are anything but.  Complicated, complex, deceiving, and very frustrating.  When breakups happen, a host of feelings are still there.  Just because you broke up with someone, or someone broke up with you, does not make those feelings go away.  Like many elements and molecules in life, love can not be created or destroyed.  It is just there, waiting to be tapped into.

So when a break happens, or a split, breakup, separation, whatever you want to call it, you still have those feelings, you are just sort of in this place where you’re not really supposed to have them anymore.

And guess what?  The other person has them too.

Even so, something happened where you are in this space.

This is exactly why I keep referring to the No Contact Rule.  This period fresh from a breakup is when women, and men too, get so easily caught up in those emotions that never went away after the breakup.  Having the No Contact Zone will take a lot of confusion out, AND eliminate any possibility of a mixed signal.

The situation of mixed signals was addressed by one of our readers, who asks, how do I get him back while he is still in contact with me.  Here’s what she says:

Hey Michelle :)

First of all, I like your posts very much!

But I’ve got an important question: My boyfriend and me we ( I’m sorry I don’t know the English word) decided to have a break ( but didn’t really break up) we just needed some time and space. The problem is, since then we never got to make up again. We both know, that we still love each other. And when we meet or talk it’s just like we’re  a couple again but we aren’t. It’s always an off-and-on. Sometimes we have much contact and call and write ( or meet) us every day, and sometimes we don’t hear from each other for 2 weeks.

And that have been the situation for 9 months.

So now I wanted to ask you, what would you do next? I really love him and want him back!
But officially and for more than just some weeks.

I hope you can help me.

There is much more here than meets the eye at first.  For starters, let’s deal with the breakup.  You are calling it a break, and that’s okay.  We all do what we need to do when we need to do it to get over the pain.  However, you are not being 100% honest with yourself here.  You discuss this relationship as if it is still an active relationship and that you are still a couple.  Sit down for a minute while I help you work this out.

Here’s one thing you need to know right now.

You aren’t still a couple.  Real couples don’t go for weeks without speaking to each other, for a period of nine months.  I can’t help but wonder, WHY are you letting this drag out?  You have just given nine months of your life waiting for a guy that may never come back to you.  I know that hurts to hear, but it is the truth.  You are not on a break, you have broken up, and he is obviously a nice enough guy to stay in touch with you.  Why? He had feelings for you once.  But if you were The One, he would have gotten back together with you before now.

Here’s what I think is happening. 

He is stringing you along just in case he feels at some point that he made a bad decision breaking up with you, and he has you to fall back on.  You say that you still love each other, but has he actually told you this?

If you want a man in your life, officially, and for more than just a few weeks, you have to ask for that by teaching people how to treat you.  What would I do in this case?

Here’s what I would do.

Kick the No Contact Zone into full gear, but do not do so without explaining to him why.  The reason for this is that you can’t just cut him off now after having taught him that it is okay to stay in touch with you. So, touch base with him, and then YOU break it off with HIM.  That’s right, it sounds like it is a clean break, because it is.  But you transfer the power from him who is currently calling all of the shots, to YOU calling all of the shots.

You just need to explain to him what you want.  You want him back for good and officially, or you don’t want him at all.  Then, you go into the No Contact Zone for 30 days, do not email, call, text, or even look at him on Facebook.  Clean Break.

This gives him a chance to miss you.  You haven’t given him that chance yet.  Only when a man is truly given this opportunity to miss you, will he decide for himself whether or not you are truly the one he wants to be with. He can’t do that if you are always contacting him, even if the contact is good.  Cut him off, breakup with him, and go your separate ways, and see the magic work for yourself.

Good luck, and keep us posted! Readers, if you have any advice or tips that I haven’t covered for this dear reader, drop ‘em in the comments!

Also, I invite you to check out my best relationship tips for women

How Do I Get Him Back After 2 Years?

Thanks so much to all of you that keep dropping in your relationship questions!  This is one of those areas in life where it helps to know you are not the only one suffering this pain.  Being in a breakup is painful, overwhelming, and can even lead to serious issues like anxiety and depression.  Hearing other people’s stories helps us learn through this process, and come out of it as successfully as possible.  And I love hearing from you!

Today’s letter comes from “Anna” who has been caught in a vicious cycle of mixed signals.  That’s a tough one after a breakup, and only makes the matters worse.  Anna wants to know how can I get him back, and more committed than ever, after two and a half years.  Here’s what she had to say:

My name is Anna. My ex boyfriend and I were together for 2 and a half years before he broke up with me in November. After I made the mistake of begging and trying to reason with him, I didn’t talk to him for almost 2 months. Then two weeks ago, he started texting me.

It turned into him texting me all day and night. When I didn’t text back quickly, he would worry and resend messages. I decided to hang out with him last night and made the mistake of having sex with him. It wasn’t like he was asking to sleep with him. That’s the one thing he told me I didn’t have to do.

The sex part was my fault. I missed him so much, it was over whelming to be there and not kiss him and hold him. I really wanted to have that connection again. I’m just confused because it wasn’t how I imagined “friends with benefits” sex to be. After I gave in, I thought that he would want me to leave when we were done. Instead, we cuddled and kissed. We talked and laughed. It was really fun. it was just like old times again. We ended the night walking to my car, and he kissed me good night.

I really care about him…deeply. More than anyone Ive ever had a relationship with. We are both still in college, and I’m afriad maybe its just the commitment hes afraid of. Idk. He has to love me some what. Before we broke up, he got me a promise ring, that actually is a engagement ring, and I haven’t taken it off since.

If I wasn’t somewhat important, I don’t think he would of spent his hard earned money on something so expensive.

Please help.

Well, there’s definitely a lot of information here.  Let’s start from the top and work our way down.

For starters Anna, congratulations on doing so well in the No Contact Zone.

You have just showed our other readers that the No Contact Zone works. As you can see, Anna stayed out of contact with her ex for two whole months.  The end result?  He was begging for her back.  Repeated text messages.  So I say, you go girl, way to go for staying strong, even though you must have been going insane.

And, as we can see, that’s when things started to go downhill.  We will cover this in more detail in future articles, but there are important steps to take after the No Contact Zone that we haven’t covered yet.  Anna has given a very good reason to show us how important it is to follow all steps thoroughly.

It is a tricky situation to navigate between the No Contact Zone and getting back together in a more committed way than ever before.  When you have a lot of chemistry with someone you have known for two years, it is even tougher.  What happened here is that chemistry started speaking louder than your rational self.  You wanted him.

Don’t sweat it, we’ve all been there.  Who hasn’t run into an ex after some time and started to get the sweats because they looked so darn amazing?  We all have.  The difference is, acting on that energy.  You can act on it, but not before you take a few important steps in between.

Here is some relationship advice for you that you need to hear. Having sex with him a little too soon is what is leading to this mass confusion you are experiencing right now.  Don’t beat yourself up over it though, you can retract from this step very easily.  What happened here was not a friends with benefits situation. You two are not friends, you are exes.  Friends With Benefits will be covered in an entirely different article in detail, but in a nutshell, this situation is best served for two people who barely know each other and have no history or true emotional connection.  Anything beyond that is going to cause some of the havoc that you have experienced here.

The good news Anna is that I DO think that he loves you.  More than somewhat.  I am not sure of the details on what broke the two of you up, but what you need to do is start from scratch.  If you want it to work with him, you need to start like daters again.  Now that you have found yourself in this situation with him, you need to go back to the No Contact Zone, 30 days, and take it from there.  If you hear from him during that, have a talk with him.  If you don’t, contact him when you feel you are ready, and have a talk with him.

That talk needs to address what you want.  He can’t keep pulling these strings and make you feel like you are bouncing back and forth between love and casual sex.  That isn’t fair to you.  If you want a commitment, you are allowed to want that.  But he needs to know that.

Casual sex with this guy is going to keep making you feel like this. 

If you want to stop feeling this way with this guy, express what you need from him.  He will either be willing or not be willing to take that step with you.  If he isn’t?  He needs to go back to the No Contact Zone, at which point you will move on with your life, start dating again, and look for someone that will give you exactly what you want.

Anything else and you are just selling yourself short.  You will not be able to get him back and more committed using any other method.  The good news?  Like I said, you have a history and clearly he cares deeply for you so you have a good foundation to work from.

Good luck Anna, and keep us posted!

Get Him Back After Pushing Him Away

Some women find it difficult to cope with a break up simply because they expected the relationship to last forever. This is why magazines offering relationship advice for women are always a hit. A woman’s relationship with a man is a fragile thing, and women who lost their men because of too much bickering, jealousy and other relationship issues know this well.

There are no guarantees when it comes to relationships, regardless of how you started. You may have started out strong, and romance was never a problem between you and your man. But even the strongest relationships hit the skids. Even the marriages that have been around for a long time are not exactly free of problems.

If you know that you’ve found the love of your life but several mistakes inside the relationship made him drift away from you, here are some tips on how to get him back.

One main reason why men stray is the thought that the woman doesn’t want the relationship anymore. Men and women are different when it comes to the reason for staying inside the relationship. If your man feels unneeded, or he thinks he’s getting in your way because of the way he is, he may decide to spare you both the drama and simply leave.

Men have their pride. If you’re the one who caused the break up, he is less likely to come running back to you just because he misses you. Make it known that your doors are open for a possible reconciliation. You can tell some common friends your intentions. Better yet, tell him yourself by calling him. This puts the ball in his court.

When you’re always around hounding him, or you’re always begging him to reconsider his decision to break up, he forgets that you’re the woman he fell for a long time ago. All he thinks about is how to get away from you so he can finally think in peace. Pestering your ex constantly can turn him off for good. It’s easier to have a change of heart if you’re feeling suffocated with bad memories. This is the main reason why desperation is never a good thing when it comes to relationships.
 
Creating distance actually makes you more attractive to him. Making a man miss you by giving him space is a method that’s worth trying. In time, he will remember the good things about you more than the bad things that happened during your break up. Let the pleasant memories of your relationship fill his head so that he can appreciate what a blessing your relationship is despite the occasional fights.

Have a positive attitude so that you won’t waver in your resolve to get your man back. In reality, your real enemy is your mind. Once you decide to let go of that positive attitude, you start stressing yourself out with thoughts of never being with your lover again.

As long as you have decided to stick with your plan to get back together, bad vibes from other people should not affect you. However, you’re human and you can’t help feeling depressed when someone tells you to give up because your situation is hopeless. Stay away from people or scenarios that weaken your resolve.

Want to Get Him Back? Here’s How

If you are suddenly finding yourself in the position of being single, one thing that might be going through your mind over and over right now is how to get your boyfriend back.  There are few women that don’t wonder this very thing when a healthy relationship ends, and they want to fix it. 

And men, normally the gender in the business of fixing what is broken, seem less than interested at this point.  In fact, it may even feel like he prefers this “thing” you had to stay broken. 

Sound familiar? 

Then you’ve probably been trying ways to make him miss you that aren’t working.  You’ve probably been using old standbys that women for generations have used to get a guy back, and they are counterproductive. 

If you want to truly win him back, you have to change your gameplan. Here’s how.

Emotional Hot Buttons

They are called “emotional hot buttons” and we all have them, and emotional hot buttons on a man are very powerful things.  If you can find a way to control those buttons, or at least trigger them, you will be well on your way to get your boyfriend back. 

The first thing you need to do is stop doing what you are doing, because chances are you are using women’s techniques.  It seems rational to you, because you are a woman, but what will work on your girlfriends when you are sad about something just plain isn’t going to work on your man. 

Because he’s a man.  And men have different emotional hot buttons than we do.

Guy Buttons

To make your ex want you, you  have to tap into these emotional buttons that will change his mindset as well.  When he starts feeling anything differently from the anger, bitterness, or resentment that lead to the breakup, his mindset will begin to turn in your favor, and you have a better chance to win him back.

But you say, “men are supposed to be the logical creatures while we are the emotional ones in society.” 

That’s so true!  And knowing this will be an incredible tool to get your boyfriend back!  Use it.  The more logical a man is, the more predictable he becomes to you as well.  See how what may seem like a disadvantage to you could actually be an opportunity to make him miss you?

If you know that he’s logical, don’t use logic and reason to try and get him back.  And don’t tell him how much you miss him either. 

These are logical rational things that only SEEM logical, and will only drive him further away.  Use his logical and rational frame of mind instead to push his emotional hot buttons.  If you had a good relationship, then you know what those hot buttons are, you know what makes him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 

Now you just have to use the sexiest version of you possible to trigger those warm and fuzzies again.

If you don’t want to drive him away, then do the opposite of what he is expecting and this will help trigger those warm and fuzzies.  He will be expecting you to beg for him back or at least tell him how much you want him back. 

What He Does’t Expect

What he won’t expect from you is a little distance, which is the most logical thing to do at this point.  He can’t push you away if you aren’t close, so put that distance in and add a dash of mystery.  Bob Grant relationship expert says “The more a man’s imagination works for you, the more he becomes curious.”

If you are wondering how to make your ex boyfriend miss you, you need to start tapping right into that imagination of his. Make him curious.  You won’t be able to do that if you are in his face begging for his love every chance you get. So, create some emotional distance and get his attention.