This is a guest post from Christine Clark, author of The Make Him Miss You Guide. Thanks, Christine!
It’s true. Breaking up is hard to do. In fact, breaking up with someone or ending a long term relationship is listed very high on the Life Scales Stressor Report.
It is easily one of the most painful and stressful times of our life. We all go through it at one point or another, it’s just one of those life lesson things that we can’t seem to avoid.
What we want to do in life is learn how to get through these experiences as painlessly as possible. Unfortunately, many women get caught in the trap of trying to avoid breakups at any and all costs. Equally unfortunately, this often comes at a cost that these women do not realize until it is too late. The cost of self esteem.
What I am talking about today is staying with the wrong person.
Sometimes it’s not about how to get him back, sometimes it’s about how to say goodbye.
The purpose of all of the material you find on this site is to help you have the best relationship possible. Note that I did not say to make your current relationship the best relationship possible. Speaking from experience I know all too well how costly it is to your overall sense of well being when you stay with the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
There’s an old saying, sometimes it’s better to be alone than with the wrong person. So today we are going to talk about how to know when it’s time for YOU to walk away. We have a question from a reader that is going to help us out with this one.
Here’s what she says:
I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 and half years. We have had our ups and downs but we had seemed to over come it or so i thought.
When we first meet i was coming off a bad break up with my kids father. I had went through so many relationships and then i found him. I was happy in love with him cause i had been knowing him from high school. I had a facebook account and a few guys that where my friends.
I did not fall love with him til about 7 months into our relationship cause i was scared of getting hurt. so after that i closed down facebook deleted the guys number and thought we were fine but my kids’s daddy was spending rumors that i was cheating and sleeping around. So i explained my past to him and that i was not cheating. we stayed together and i helped him become a horse jockey. i knew that working off would be hard but i supported him when his own mother kicked him out da house and moved her daughter’s boyfriend in. i was thur when his own daddy said he didn’t have any kids.
i have been there being a support system while he rides in indiana and florida, but everytime he is away he accuses me of cheating; just because i don’t answer my phone on the first ring or if i forget it somewhere and don’t answer it. he calls me like every 30 minutes to and hour everyday. where do i find time to cheat when i got kids, work 12 hour shifts, and talk to him for hours and clean a house. yes my past may seemed like i cheated but every guy i slept with i dated except for the ones that were my best friends.
i enjoy being with him when he is home, and i hate to see him leave when he goes to work. i cry everytime he leaves. just last week he leaves for raliegh which is about 2 hours away from our house. after being gone for two days we got to aruging cause i didn’t tell him i was signing my kids up for baseball. i had left my phone in car by mistake and didn’t answer and he called like 5 times. he said he was trying to get up with me to talk to me cause he missed me and wanted to talk to me. He says he gets lonely and only wants to talk to me cause he loves me.
I wanna be with him but i cant take this accusing. what should i do? please help.
My parents say hes controlling and no good cause he has no money to help support me. his mother doesn’t like me because she thought that i was better than them or acted like i was better than her because i had money and she didn’t. My parents dislike him because of the decisions he makes when hes mad and the fact that he’s broke.
Another situation where we have a LOT going on, but it is very easy to pick out the nuts and bolts of this one.
How to deal with a controlling man?
That could very well have been the title of today’s post. This is the kind of man that you need to seriously consider walking away from, otherwise you can only expect things to escalate from here.
Dear Reader, you have been given a lot of information from people in your life that love you.
Think back to all of the people in your life that have given you advice regarding this situation. How long have you known them compared to how long you have known him? You HAVE to take this information into account when you are in a relationship. Most people that love you won’t meddle in your relationship until or unless they see the potential for you to get hurt.
Here’s the cold hard truth.
I don’t even know this guy and I think he is controlling as well. Women in controlling relationships are often the last ones to admit it.
I know, I’ve been there.
Calling you every 30 minutes when he is away from you? Calling you 5 times when you left the phone in the car? Those two clues without any other information are enough to tell me you need to start thinking smart with this guy. Well those and the not so little thing about the baseball situation.
They are not his kids!!!!! Who is he to tell you when you can and can not sign them up for stuff?
Listen, this is not about you and your past, this is about HIM.
This has absolutely nothing to do with how you met him, or under what circumstances you started your relationship with him. I hate to break it to you but, this guy IS a controlling man, and I would bet dollars to donuts you were not the first woman that he was controlling with.
What does that mean?
This behavior is not going to stop until you put an end to it. You have two options in that regard. To break up with him, or to sit him down and have an honest discussion about it.
If he takes the low road and tries to blame you and your past for the reasons for this current behavior, my recommendation is that you take the high road and leave him on the curb with the trash. You can not control his actions or his behavior, and for him to blame YOU for the way HE is behaving is irresponsible, immature, and disrespectful.
The problem with these kinds of men is that they do not often change, this behavior escalates and escalates until he is controlling every aspect of your life. Like your kids baseball for example.
Next he will be checking your email next if he hasn’t already, checking your phone log for text messages in and out, going through your purse or your car to see what’s in there. All of this he will be doing with the message to you that if he could trust you, and you had nothing to hide, then you shouldn’t have a problem with this behavior.
There are no circumstances that make this behavior or his incessant calling acceptable behavior. NONE whatsoever.
If any of that sounds even a little bit familiar to you, follow one of those two options I have already stated. You don’t need anybody in your life that treats you like that. You deserve better, and a man that loves you for who and what you are will recognize that, and want to serve you with all of the dignity and respect that you deserve.
You can’t make him want to do that.
But you can make him realize that you won’t put up with anything less. Remember how I keep saying, you teach people how to treat you. Right now you are teaching him it is okay to behave this way. Drop that mentality, and pick up a new one. It may mean losing him, but your alternative? Dealing with this for the rest of your life. Again, you can only control your own choices in life. You can’t make him want to treat you better, but you can choose better.
Like I said, sometimes it’s not about how to get him back, but how to let him go. Every painful process is one that builds strength.
I’ve been there and taken out that trash, and I know what you are going through. Situations like yours concern me, and it upsets me to see any woman treated this way.
Remember, being in love with your Self is really and truly the greatest love of all.
About the Author
Christine Clark is just a normal gal like you who, when she was seeing her relationship slip through her fingers, decided to do something about it. She made it her mission to read everything from all the so-called experts (mostly written by men), try all the techniques, and come up with a better way, the step-by-step plan for getting her man back.
She developed a program that can help you get your guy back – the right way – without having to suffer through any more of the pain and rejection. It is based becoming your best – the real you — and turning the tables to make him miss you so much that he has to have you back in his life. If right now that seems impossible, know that it is possible. Just check out her guide.