Thanks again to all of you that are writing in! I love that you want my insight on how to make your relationships better! A lot of questions that come in area long the same lines, and I see a lot of questions covering that grey area of hookups, Friends With Benefits, those types of scenarios. That is what we are going to talk about today.
A Reader Asks: How do I get my ex boyfriend back after a hookup?
Before I address the reader’s question, many of you may already know where I stand on this issue. Remember, my goal is to answer your questions on how to get my ex-boyfriend back, and how to make him more committed than ever before. That is the key to a good and successful relationship. Essentially, even in this day and age of casual sex, no strings attached, hookups, and friends with benefits, that’s what everybody wants.
When people go to these casual situations, what they are really doing is settling for what they can get right now, UNTIL a relationship develops. But it is a very tricky line to cross between the casual and the committed, especially if sex is in the picture. I do like things a little old school, you will hear me say that time and again. Why? Because it works. So as we go into Confuzzled’s question, remember one of my hard and fast rules to get your boyfriend back, no sex until monogamy has been addressed. Here is what Confuzzled asked:
So I a few days ago my ex texted me basically saying he didnt know what he was thinking breaking up with me and asked if I would give him another chance but said he didnt want one.
As the convo went on we basically made plans to hangout thursday and just cuddle or w/e but he really wanted to hook up He didn’t talk to me at all the next day but then the next night after that he texted me saying “I can’t, I can’t talk to you. All I’m going to do is lead you on and hurt you. All I do is hurt people.” So he was in a really bad move but then we talked about it and got flirting and it sort of lead to us making plans to hook up and I even sent him a few pictures. But the next night (last night) he texted me saying hey I’m sorry I didnt text you today and we had a super short convo and all the sudden he said he doesn’t want to hook up, well he does, but he wont.
I asked why and he said he knows its fucked up but his friend texted him asking him to hook up that day and he said no, cause he didn’t like her for more than a friend. He also realized that “he hates hooking up with people he isn’t emotionally attracted to.” But he totally stopped texting me and I was heartbroken. He ignored me all day today even though we were supposed to hang. At this point I feel like i have a hole in my heart thats only filled when he’s talking to me weather we’re fighting, hookingup, or just having a normal convo, but I really need to be around/talking to him all the time.
When I do talk to him, I dont feel much but I feel really comfortable and whole. I don’t know what he means, or what I should do?
For starters, congratulations Confuzzled on wanting to put an end to these mixed signals. You are right to want what you want, and you are entitled to a committed relationship if that is what you want.
Now having said everything I said in my introduction to this email, what do you think my response is going to be? You got it.
Stop having sex with him.
Once again, I do not know how long you were together, or what the details of your breakup were, but you have given me enough information to tell me that the sex and the hookups are what is causing all of these mixed signals. I will also say, congratulations to your man for figuring this out too! He flat out told you, “I don’t want to hurt you.”
What does this tell me? He DOES care about you. He may be going through this period right now where he is engaging in casual sex to try and get over you, deal with his own pain, or anything along that lines. We don’t know why he is doing that. What we DO know is that even HE doesn’t like doing that.
To answer one of your questions, this is exactly why he stopped contacting you, and ignoring your texts. Because he is afraid of hurting you even more. Truth be told, it doesn’t sound like he is ready for an entirely committed thing yet. It sounds like he needs to figure some stuff out. But that’s a good thing. Having a man in your life that knows he doesn’t want to hurt you is a good thing, even if you aren’t together right now. It shows that he cares, and that is a foundation you can use.
So here is what you need to do Confuzzled if you want to get your exboyfriend back. Stop having sex with him. And let him know that but in the kind and gentle loving way that he knows you to have. Thank him for being so honest with you, because that is a rare thing to have. Tell him you are lucky to have someone in your life that is honest enough with you to know when it is time to take a break. Then agree with him. Agree that you both need a little bit of space right now, and take that break sticking tried and true to the No Contact Zone.
This is going to throw him off a bit, I warn you. He cares about you and is used to hearing from you. But you need to stick to this to meet your end goal, which is having him come back to you more committed than ever. After the 30 day period in the No Contact Zone, contact him again, but ONLY IF he contacts you first. Then tell him what you want. He will do one of two things. Accept your offer of a committed relationship with him, or not.
In any case, do not, and I repeat do NOT have sex with him UNLESS you and he have committed to a monogamous relationship.
Otherwise, 30 or 31 days from now you will be writing me with the exact same question and broken heart.
I don’t want that for you.
I want you to contact me again in 30-60 days telling me how much in love with you he is all over again.
If you want to get your boyfriend back after a hookup, these are the steps you need to take. You are strong and you can do it. Touch base again and let us know how it goes! How about you readers? Got a similar question? Drop it in the inbox, or drop some comments here for Confuzzled and give her some tips on how to make this time so much easier for her. Good luck Confuzzled, we are all rooting for you!