Thanks so much to all of you that keep dropping in your relationship questions! This is one of those areas in life where it helps to know you are not the only one suffering this pain. Being in a breakup is painful, overwhelming, and can even lead to serious issues like anxiety and depression. Hearing other people’s stories helps us learn through this process, and come out of it as successfully as possible. And I love hearing from you!
Today’s letter comes from “Anna” who has been caught in a vicious cycle of mixed signals. That’s a tough one after a breakup, and only makes the matters worse. Anna wants to know how can I get him back, and more committed than ever, after two and a half years. Here’s what she had to say:
My name is Anna. My ex boyfriend and I were together for 2 and a half years before he broke up with me in November. After I made the mistake of begging and trying to reason with him, I didn’t talk to him for almost 2 months. Then two weeks ago, he started texting me.
It turned into him texting me all day and night. When I didn’t text back quickly, he would worry and resend messages. I decided to hang out with him last night and made the mistake of having sex with him. It wasn’t like he was asking to sleep with him. That’s the one thing he told me I didn’t have to do.
The sex part was my fault. I missed him so much, it was over whelming to be there and not kiss him and hold him. I really wanted to have that connection again. I’m just confused because it wasn’t how I imagined “friends with benefits” sex to be. After I gave in, I thought that he would want me to leave when we were done. Instead, we cuddled and kissed. We talked and laughed. It was really fun. it was just like old times again. We ended the night walking to my car, and he kissed me good night.
I really care about him…deeply. More than anyone Ive ever had a relationship with. We are both still in college, and I’m afriad maybe its just the commitment hes afraid of. Idk. He has to love me some what. Before we broke up, he got me a promise ring, that actually is a engagement ring, and I haven’t taken it off since.
If I wasn’t somewhat important, I don’t think he would of spent his hard earned money on something so expensive.
Well, there’s definitely a lot of information here. Let’s start from the top and work our way down.
For starters Anna, congratulations on doing so well in the No Contact Zone.
You have just showed our other readers that the No Contact Zone works. As you can see, Anna stayed out of contact with her ex for two whole months. The end result? He was begging for her back. Repeated text messages. So I say, you go girl, way to go for staying strong, even though you must have been going insane.
And, as we can see, that’s when things started to go downhill. We will cover this in more detail in future articles, but there are important steps to take after the No Contact Zone that we haven’t covered yet. Anna has given a very good reason to show us how important it is to follow all steps thoroughly.
It is a tricky situation to navigate between the No Contact Zone and getting back together in a more committed way than ever before. When you have a lot of chemistry with someone you have known for two years, it is even tougher. What happened here is that chemistry started speaking louder than your rational self. You wanted him.
Don’t sweat it, we’ve all been there. Who hasn’t run into an ex after some time and started to get the sweats because they looked so darn amazing? We all have. The difference is, acting on that energy. You can act on it, but not before you take a few important steps in between.
Here is some relationship advice for you that you need to hear. Having sex with him a little too soon is what is leading to this mass confusion you are experiencing right now. Don’t beat yourself up over it though, you can retract from this step very easily. What happened here was not a friends with benefits situation. You two are not friends, you are exes. Friends With Benefits will be covered in an entirely different article in detail, but in a nutshell, this situation is best served for two people who barely know each other and have no history or true emotional connection. Anything beyond that is going to cause some of the havoc that you have experienced here.
The good news Anna is that I DO think that he loves you. More than somewhat. I am not sure of the details on what broke the two of you up, but what you need to do is start from scratch. If you want it to work with him, you need to start like daters again. Now that you have found yourself in this situation with him, you need to go back to the No Contact Zone, 30 days, and take it from there. If you hear from him during that, have a talk with him. If you don’t, contact him when you feel you are ready, and have a talk with him.
That talk needs to address what you want. He can’t keep pulling these strings and make you feel like you are bouncing back and forth between love and casual sex. That isn’t fair to you. If you want a commitment, you are allowed to want that. But he needs to know that.
Casual sex with this guy is going to keep making you feel like this.
If you want to stop feeling this way with this guy, express what you need from him. He will either be willing or not be willing to take that step with you. If he isn’t? He needs to go back to the No Contact Zone, at which point you will move on with your life, start dating again, and look for someone that will give you exactly what you want.
Anything else and you are just selling yourself short. You will not be able to get him back and more committed using any other method. The good news? Like I said, you have a history and clearly he cares deeply for you so you have a good foundation to work from.
Good luck Anna, and keep us posted!