Oh boy. I’m not sure why, but relationships today have a lot more game playing in them than they used to. People are trying to make him miss you or get their boyfriend or girlfriend back in such nefarious ways today. It almost feels more like a “get back at my boyfriend or girlfriend” situation rather than a “get my boyfriend back” scenario, in many cases. And I’m not even referring back to the 1920’s or 1950’s.
In the 1990’s even, relationships were much easier to deal with than they are today. I do not know what the bigger reason for this is, but I do suspect that social media plays a big role in this. Check out our previous article on this, Facebook is not your diary. Social media is used for a lot of gameplaying and relationships, and today we have a reader that has a question about this.
While it is not to be used for game playing in relationships, or at least that’s not something that I recommend, social media can still be a useful tool when you want to make him miss you. Social media in many ways actually makes it very easy if you’re trying to find out how to get your boy friend back. And one of the reasons for that is a little concept known as “social proof.”
But this concept of social proof can really wreak havoc on relationships. And we have one of our readers today that is experiencing just this. This is a reader has a little bit of everything involved in her relationship troubles. We have some game plan going on, we have some cheating going on, and we also have some social media nonsense going on. Now if you are looking for ways to get your boyfriend back, or are trying to figure out how to get your husband back or how to get your ex back, social media game playing is one way to do this. Again, it’s not something I recommend. But it does happen.
But smarter way to go about this is to use social media as a tool to get closer, not farther apart. That’s what it’s for! So today we’re going to talk about how to use social media wisely when it comes to relationships, and to offer some relationship advice on what to do if you find yourself on the receiving end of some social media games. Let’s have a look at Sarah’s story.
We are in a long distance relationship, I’m 49 and he is 42. We see each other every two months and alternate who drives to who, we video chat daily sometimes more than once and he calls me to say goodnight every night for over a year. We laugh and have a great interaction I just don’t like that he follows strippers (local and non local) on his social media.
It’s the only thing we argue over and he stands firm that it is nothing and its his page he isn’t going to change it. He finally made his friends list private to keep me from hurting myself by looking. This past weekend he was going out (he hasn’t been to a club in the time we have been dating) to celebrate his nephews birthday and it was a club where these strippers work.
I tried to ignore the feeling and not bring it up but I couldn’t swallow it anymore. It caused an argument and he said he is going to have fun and nobody was going to stop him. I told him I don’t care if he goes I just wanted him to assure me I didn’t have anything to worry about. instead he got mad and said good bye.
I didn’t hear from him that night or the following morning to I texted him and told him I deserved better. he changed his Facebook to single but still has pictures of me and him up there. I wanted to show him how much this is disrespecting me and hope it might prompt him to change.
See what I mean? A lot going on. First let me say how much I love social media, Facebook, and all of the wonderful tools that technology has to offer us and our relationships today. They can be wonderful things. But at the same time, social media can be a complete disaster when it comes to relationships. Like our article, Facebook is not a diary, I also want to say that Facebook is not a barometer for measuring the status of your relationship. It’s handy, when you want to brag about a big relationship events moments in your life. But what I see all too often, and more often then I don’t, is women get hung up on little nuances on social media when it comes to their relationships. And men too, obviously, hence this letter today.
The Social Media Variable
“He’s got a picture of me up, that must mean he’s planning her wedding. He doesn’t have a picture of me up, that must mean we’re done and over. I woman who I don’t recognize just liked his photo, that must mean he’s cheating shirt.” Follow what I’m saying? Little nuances that happen on social media have a tendency to send women into a downhill spiral.
As they should. A committed boyfriend does not make his friends list private to spite his girlfriend. What is this “I did it to not hurt you” about? No.
I do not like this.
I do like that you told him that this was disrespectful. Because it is. Let’s take the strippers out entirely, not a sentence I get to say everyday, but let’s do that. This is game playing on social media. You. Absolutely. Deserve. Better.
But let’s get logical about this, because despite his valiant attempts at saving your emotions, they are running wild anyway.
Not only is Facebook not a diary, it’s not a microscope on every little thing that’s happening in your lovers life or your boyfriends life or your husband’s life. For all you know, the woman that just liked his photo could be a third cousin that he just reunited with after having never met her his whole life. I don’t know if there have been any studies on the topic or not, but I do think that women make more out of things that happen on Facebook and social media then is necessary.
But when Prince Charming is blocking his friends list from you to spare your heart, who can blame you??
Be logical though. Just step back from this entirely. He’s not even worth lighting into. But do talk to him about it. But do so after calmly and rationally and logically gathering the facts before you jump to any erroneous conclusions that you’ll draw that will derail your relationship hopes faster than any other second woman could.
Teach him how to treat you.
That being said, I want to address other issues in this letter. So we have some cheating going on, we have a long distance issue going on, and we have all kinds of crazy things happening on social media. First, Sarah, my first question to you is why do you want to be with this man?
You ask me how to make him respect you. I can’t do this. You can’t do this. He needs to make that choice. But you can certainly lead him in that direction. Don’t just say you need to be respected, show him. Check out our article on the 3 dating mistakes you might be making before you touch base with him or do anything, first.
Do you want to know how to get your boyfriend back after this big mess. Is that possible? Yes. You had a solid foundation of communication, and regular communication with that, and you have a solid foundation on which to build. So this is a good thing. You have probably had more communication in a relationship then many in person relationships have on a daily basis. So this is another great thing!
But then the games.
Then we have this big mess on social media with strippers and blocking messaging and angriness and all sorts of things like this. If Facebook didn’t exist, my guess would be that you two would still be together today. So take Facebook out of the equation for a little bit and just focus on what you need to do to bring back this communication in your relationship. Of course, for this specific case I’m going to recommend The No Contact rule.
For you, this means blocking him on Facebook. I know this is probably the last thing that you want to do, because you want to creep his Facebook and check out if he still looking at all those strippers and things of that nature. I know. We allll know. (Because we do it too.)
But this is just not the best course of action for you to take. Removing any possibility of letting Facebook upset you in this relationship is your best relationship advice you were going to get. The reason being, if you can’t see what he’s doing, then it can’t upset you. On that he is right, but he doesn’t get bonus points for hiding his strippers from you to spare your feelings.
In fact, he loses even more points because by even saying that he knows for you to see that would be disrespectful. He keeps doing these things because you let him. So stop letting him. Block that.
Don’t freak out about that. If you are broken up, you actually have no right to see what he’s doing. He’s right about that too. But again, no bonus points. Take comfort actually, in the fact that you can’t see his Facebook anymore. You will find much peace of mind with this. As well, and here’s the best part, you’ll be cutting off his opportunity to look at yours too! And that’s a great way to get the ball rolling to make him miss you and get your boyfriend back. If he tries to creep your profile, and he probably is, when he won’t be able to that well send him a little Squirrley.
Stay in the No Contact phase for at least 30 days, meaning don’t allow yourself any contact with him whatsoever for 30 days. Not by Facebook, not by text, not by email, nothing. Keep him blocked from your Facebook for at least 30 days, and give him some time to think about what he’s done! He’s been playing some serious games with you! Teach him how to treat you! Teach him that this is not OK, and you will remove the opportunity for him to see your Facebook.
The social proof.
Now we’re getting to the social proof of the equation. During those 30 days, begin enjoying your life. Have a look at some of our articles on how to stay true to the No Contact rule. Enjoy your life, and take lots of pictures of it, and post them to Facebook! This is not playing games, this is you having a life and submitting social proof on it. Then, after 30 days, unblock him from Facebook. Do not cave on this and do not unblock him sooner than those 30 days is up.
Wait a few days after that 30 day period is up, and just wait and see if he comes to you after he realizes that your Facebook has been very busy, and you’ve been having all kinds of fun unbeknownst to him, while he was blocked. If he doesn’t contact you, don’t be afraid to contact him. But again, as I say to everybody launching the No Contact zone, and coming out of that No Contacts zone, be very casual and breezy with how you approach him.
Remember, he may be a little upset that you blocked him. Granted, he doesn’t have a right to be. So if he tries to pick a fight with you about that, shut that down. Don’t get into a fight with him about it, but instead, almost act like you didn’t hear him, or just shrug it off. “Why are you so concerned about my Facebook page all of a sudden after you blocked me?” Shrug it off, change conversations. When you do contact him, keep your contact easy and casual. Sent him a funny video, send him a link to a movie you want to see, things of this nature. Don’t say much, just touch base with him and say something casual like, “just wanted to know what you’ve been up to, hope you are well.”
Again, do you not bring up any of your previous problems, as neither one of you wants to be reminded of those. But if you do this, not only will you make him miss you, you will make him crave you. A woman that demands respect from her partner is very attractive. When he sees you’ve been sharing that with the world without him, he will reconsider his options too. Put your foot down about the strippers, and keep it there. You may want to review my tips on how to know it’s time to walk away.
You’ve got to take control of the situation if you want to get your boyfriend back, and these are my recommendations. Dear readers, how do you handle came playing in relationships on social media? Have you ever been in this kind of situation? Ask me a question, or I’d love to hear your stories below.