How to Get Your Ex Back….When You Feel That Hope is Lost.

I know how difficult the holidays can be when you are missing someone like crazy. Been there. I also know that it is next to impossible to miss someone to the point of heartache during the holidays and be the only person feeling that. Always remember ladies that if you are missing someone like crazy, the chances are all better than not that they are feeling the same way, ESPECIALLY during the holidays. It’s just the way the laws of attraction and love work. The holidays are that one time of year when you remember traditions, people, and everything that is really important to you in life. So it can be a tough time, but you are not alone. This I know.

I get a lot of letters from women that feel this missing period is never going to end. They write in feeling like hope is lost, and asking for anything that can help them stop feeling this way, and feel better. I wouldn’t be here trying to help you with relationship advice and make him miss you if I thought hope was lost for any of you. I firmly believe that love is never lost, it is only ever replaced, but it can always find its way back again.

But I also know how normal it is to feel in that place where it truly does feel like there is no hope, that place where you almost consider moving on. It really stinks! But the truth is, moving on, in your own unique way, is what is absolutely necessary for that love to find its way back to you again. That’s why the No Contact Zone is so important.

The universe has given you a wake up call, angels closing doors as my grandmother would say. Something’s not working and it’s time for a time out. So take it!

It’s the best thing you can do for yourself. And your relationship. You deserve healing time and focusing on the wound is not going to help your case. At all. Ever. No man ever wants to keep hearing about how sorry you are and how you just want to explain to him one last time.

Even if you are the daughter of Mother Theresa and look like Jennifer Aniston, no man is ever going to take you back under those circumstances because the only purpose that serves is constant reminder of the pain. That he caused. He doesn’t want that reminder, he wants to remember you as a sweet girlfriend where things just didn’t work out and it was nobody’s fault.

Trust me, it sucks for him too. But you may be too busy sitting in your own pain and grief to have the fortitude to take the role of the other and just see his side for just a second. It’s hard, I know, I’ve been there. He may be a “man”, but despite the fact that he shows his feelings differently than you do, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them. You just don’t see them the same way you see yours, or your girlfriends. So that’s when you have to watch his reactions to you, especially those after the breakup, and mirror them. That is what you need to do to begin getting back into that sync with him.

When you are trying to get your boyfriend back, the first thing you want to do is whatever you can to fix the situation. But a nasty moment or conversation is probably the reason he broke up with you, so why would you remind him of that as much as you possibly can? What will the end result be?

Driving him away.

But when you make the choice to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find YOU again, you pull away from him just enough to get him to start noticing you are gone. That he isn’t the center of your world anymore. And that you are an awesome amazing person doing all of these awesome amazing things, without him. That’s when he starts to remember what an awesome amazing girlfriend you were too, and those seeds of attraction begin to kernel again.

If there is a true love there and the two of you were meant to be together, the love is never lost. It will always find its way back again. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve seen the prescription roll out for itself, and it’s even happened to me as well. Hope is never lost.

We have a reader who needs some encouragement in this area. Here’s what she has to say:

Hi Michelle,

This is going to be a long one, I hope you can bear with me as I’m in dire need of some good advice from someone who knows a thing or two about relationships, so far, the advice from my friends and relatives isn’t giving me a clear head to look towards the future.

I was with my boyfriend for two years, he was amazing to me in every way, we planned a future together and really loved each other, but there were some problems that kept us from going that extra step, from realizing out full potential as a couple. A little background, we are both 27 years old, we’ve known each other since we were in junior high, we dated when we were 12(junior high sweet hearts), we dated briefly when we were 18 again, and then reconnected when we were both 25 and had a better go at it that time around.

When we initially started dating I had recently gotten out of a 5 year relationship that left me with a lot of bitterness and sadness, I was just starting to pick myself up again when HE, the man I always wondered about came back in my life. It was amazing really, like all starts of a relationship I was filled with hope for the future and he seemed to be very serious about reconnecting and having a relationship with me, my only concern with him was his previous behaviour, having known him since we were 12 years old and dating him a couple times when we were younger, I know a lot about him to say he is unlike any guy I’ve met in a sense that he has a very unique way of handling relationships.

I knew that relationships are hard work, sometimes people fight, sometimes it’s harder to keep it together but when two people know what they want and love each other it can work. But this guy, this guy is different, he’s always gone through phases in his life when if he’s unhappy with his personal life he will neglect his relationship, or if things start to get too hard in a relationship or things aren’t going the way he hoped he will check out and emotionally shut down, i’ve experienced this first hand with him before, but I thought since time passed by and we were older and wiser, that it would be worth a shot with him. Having my own issues about my past relationship also did not make it any better, needless to say I took a chance and decided to try it out. It was great, everything I hoped for and more, but after things started going towards the end of the honey moon phase like all relationships and the arguments started, my own unresolved issues from past relationships came up, his own issues came up, and as soon as we knew it we were fighting over petty things. I broke up with him a couple of times, and he did the same, not really meaning it, but just to prove a point, so we would get back together after a couple of days and things would be good again, until something else came up. This was our cycle, and no matter what, we always fell into the same circle of arguments.

It reached a breaking point when he called me and told me it was over, at first I didn’t believe it, but when it finally sunk it all of the damage I had done to our relationship hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I had sabotaged the relationship by letting my unresolved issues from my past relationship keep me in a bitter state. I realized I wasn’t the same person he had fallen in love with. I regret my behaviour, and this time I have been given a new perspective into what it really means to make a relationship work.

When he broke up with me he told me several things that didn’t give me much hope.
1. Things have changed for him
2. He has been unhappy for a while and doesn’t want to force anything
3. Things don’t flow with us, our personalities don’t mix
4. He would like to be friends but he needs time
5. I didn’t make him feel good about himself
6. He thinks two years is enough time to try
7. He’s not in love with me anymore
8. I’m a great girl, but it’s not working

I asked him if he knew it could work between us if he would be with me,and he said of course he would, this is why I don’t understand why he would say he isn’t in love anymore.

After the break up I blamed everything on myself, I texted him pages and pages of apologies and of things I wouldve done differently. I did this for about two days. I left him alone for another two days then texted him again, but this time as if things were normal, friendly, and just asked him about his day, he replied we exchanged a couple of texts then I left him alone for another couple of days. I began to panic and then resumed to texting him my apologies and my regret for another two days after that. I sent another text a couple of days later telling him that I was going to leave him alone and respect his decision because he had told me that when I text him it makes things harder on him as well. After a few days I couldn’t stop thinking of why he hadn’t given me the benefit of seeing him in person so I texted him just to ask him if he would be willing to meet up with me to discuss some things, he replied saying “we’ll see, but please respect my decision.” After that we texted again, in a friendly manner after i initiated the conversation just asking about trivial things…he replied to my messages about every 40 minutes and we exchanged a few texts. After this I have cut down on the times I’ve texted but still messaged him about once a week to see if he’s free to meet up, every time he will only reply with what he’s doing that week and that he’s busy. He hasn’t told me to move on, he hasn’t flat out told me leave him alone…I decided I will try no contact for good this time for at least a month. I’m getting frustrated thta he hasn’t even been able to give me a face to face to tell him so much of what I wanted to tell him. It’s been 6 weeks since the break up and I think after 2 years it’s the least I deserve. I‘m contemplating writing him a letter because there is so much I need to explain to him about what went wrong and how I see thins now. It hurts so much not being able to tell him or see him….I’m stuck in limbo and hoping the NC will still work and I haven’t done too much damage.

Once again I’ve highlighted what I think are the most important sections of the letter, the ones that speak volumes about what should happen next. Dear Reader, put down the cell phone immediately. Put it in the freezer if you have to. Do not send one more text.

You are doing exactly what I just mentioned above is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. You are reminding him of the pain over and over again to get your own ease of guilt from this situation, and you aren’t making him miss you at all. In fact, he’s even out right told you that hearing from you is painful, and yet you keep doing it.

What does that do? It sends the message to him that what he needs isn’t as important as what you need. I know that sucks to hear, but we’ve all done it, so don’t feel like I’m singling you out. If this wasn’t a problem global to the female human race I wouldn’t even print the letter. I would go find a letter that was. We have ALL been the Operations Commander of the text wars, no question about it. But as you know, that is not getting him closer to you, so why would you even consider that? Or better yet, a letter that is carefully written that will be written proof to him for years to come of all of the mistakes that you made in the relationship?

Don’t do it. He gets it. He is not blameless here. If you are taking ownership of all of your stuff, then he is sitting there trying to find a way not to have to take ownership of his stuff too. And that place is not the one that is going to have him crawling back to you. You need to make him miss you to achieve that goal. But as I have said it time and time again, he can’t miss you if he keeps hearing from you.

But you, definitely are not in the hope is lost category. You gave me about 15 different reasons for that in your own letter. You haven’t been dating him for 2 years either by the way. By my calculations it looks closer to 15. Okay give or take some breaks and some coming back togethers, three times already, but this has been going on for 15 years. That is some solid history.

But, getting him back is not going to be helped by reminding him about pain. Reminding him about the good history you have will help, you just can’t do it right away. You NEED to take at LEAST a 30 day No Contact Period, my recommendation is 60 though. Or maybe squeeze it out 45. Can we do No Contact until Valentine’s Day? Then surprise him with something sweet and flirty on Valentine’s Day and take it from there?

I think if you can spend some time on you for a while, do the things you like to do when you are single, and the time will fly. It will be a fun thing to look forward to, and it will definitely make him start to wonder what you’ve been up to. Then he will hear from you after a while, see this sweet, sexy Valentiney thing in his email one day, and he will begin to remember the awesome. Trust me. This is precisely how I landed the sweet gem I am with right now. But it’s not even been close to 15 years for us, so you have a serious advantage here.

Also remember, the two of you together have created the history that you CAN get back together. You already have proven, at least twice by my count, that you keep coming back to each other. There’s a reason for that. And yes you should explore it. But, it’s been 15 years. 45 days of salon time and yoga classes and shopping for a new wardrobe to pick you up isn’t going to suck, is it?

You definitely should not feel like hope is lost. You can get your ex boyfriend back, if you make him miss you. Put down the phone, do not send a letter, do nothing until some serious time has passed. It won’t be easy. Keep writing in and we will help support you through this.

I’ve got a good feeling about this okay, so please do keep us posted! Readers! Did I miss anything? Drop your comments in the box below and let’s help our friend get through this tough time. Always remember dear Readers, no matter how sad things may seem right now, everything is only for a season. Hope your holiday season is beautiful, and bright! Until next year friends : )

Relationship Advice for Women Dealing With The Player

Back in the good ole days, relationships were pretty cut and dry. Oh women swooned and sang songs about being hopelessly devoted to someone who wasn’t giving it their all, there’s no question about that. They were confused in their own right, but their confusion just wasn’t the same as ours is today. Today, there are advice columns in every newspaper for women that are hopelessly devoted to someone that is not giving it their all, and today, we have millions more ways for men to confuse women. So many, that the term “players” has been coined for those men that keep women on the yo-yo. This is the topic we are covering in today’s column on relationship advice for women. Players. The easiest tip I can provide is to just…cut them loose. But it’s much more complicated than that when our hearts are in the mix, isn’t it?

See, here’s the little secret that players don’t want you to know. As long as you keep going back to them, they will keep playing you. Whether their intentions are real or not, they will always, always, always keep playing you.

Many of you are already saying, back right up there, lady. Players do not have honest intentions.

Not true. Some do. But some are so wrapped up in their own baggage, that they think and feel and want the same love that we do, they just don’t know how to do it right. Then along comes this sweet, innocent girl, who thinks they can change their insecurities into something beautiful, and develop a love that will last a lifetime.

That’s just not going to happen. When you are dealing with players, no matter what their intentions are, they are never going to change until they make that choice for themselves. They will never figure out how to do it right, until they make that choice for themselves. Unless you are a Ph.D. and have them on your couch once a week, you can’t help them change themselves. No matter how full your heart is with love for them.

This is today’s reader’s question. She sent a rather detailed and lengthy letter on the subject, with the bottom line of her question being, “How do I get him to stop playing me?” Let’s have a look and break it down. As usual, I have bolded the necessary items.

My boyfriend (unbeknown to me at the time) has been really keen on me since we met at school. We had no contact for over 20 years then found each other online. He said he had never stopped thinking about me over the years. He has had some terrible experiences in his life (parents divorce hit him hard, homeless at 16, raped by someone at school and later in life by a stranger, as well as some mental health problems). He also has 4 children by 3 different mums. He has had trouble accessing any of them despite trying, but for no clear reason from what I can see. Unfortunately, he is very insecure and never thinks he is good enough for me. He struggles with anxiety and is upset about the difficulties in arranging contact to see his youngest. We have only been together since November, but it was an immediate attraction and most of the time we get on well. He was keen to see me as much as possible and had great plans for the future.

Unfortunately, when the slightest thing happens, he can’t deal with it and leaves. He then says he’s not good enough for me or that he feels pressured. I have a responsible job and my own house and he does not work or have his own house. He keeps disappearing to his friend’s house as he can’t cope with things. His ex has stopped him seeing the baby, but doesn’t seem to mind when she knows he isn’t with anyone. He doesn’t want to go back with her but misses his baby a lot.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a lot of patience with my children. My youngest is mildly autistic and my 14 year old is going through the typical teenager stage. He is controllable but grunts a bit and isn’t forthcoming with help. He is polite and friendly to strangers but has an attitude at times at home. I have a structure of discipline in place which I usually feel is successful, but my boyfriend feels that my son should speak nicely to me all of the time and should want to help for love not pocket money. I think this is a bit unrealistic so this causes us a bit of an issue.

Unfortunately, I don’t cope well with being run out on or ignored as this makes me feel insecure and I panic and get very upset. The children’s dad was physically and emotionally abusive and I struggle when I don’t know what is happening in a relationship now. Unfortunately, I have had two further relationships since I split up with the children’s dad nearly 7 years ago which have been emotionally draining and my feelings didn’t seem to matter until I stopped chasing after them when they left. I do wonder if because I am such a rational and calm person usually if any partners discover my Achilles heal (being left and ignored) then they act on it as it provokes a reaction in me. I need to stop the cycle somehow if this is the case. Is it me? Or is it coincidence?

I do want my current relationship to work. We both love and miss each other and there is no one else involved romantically. I would love it to work between us but feel at the moment that I am trying to bend over backwards for him whilst he is wrapping himself up in protection. I am upset whenever he walks out and try to contact him repeatedly. The last time he left was 3 days ago and sometimes his texts are loving and other times they are quite cold or he ignores me. I know he isn’t intentionally playing games but feel like he has learnt to protect himself too much. I have suggested counselling for self esteem issues and have bought him books. He says he will do it then says he’s not sure he needs it.

I really want us to live happily ever after as despite this it feels so right for both of us. But this inconsistency isn’t doing me any good. Please give me your advice?

Here is my first area of concern, dear Reader. Your children. As a mother, it pains me to see you wanting to be involved with a man who does not treat your children right. This is no brainer dating advice for women 101. A man that does not treat your children well is not the guy for you. You have a history of emotional abuse in your life, and by trying to stay with this man, you are going to continue that cycle. And what, one of your child has special needs? And are you STILL considering going back to this guy? Many other readers are shaking their heads sadly for you right now, dearest Reader.

Before I say anything else about this relationship (and I use that term loosely), let me give you a little wake up call. As their mother, it is your job to protect your children at all costs. No matter what. No matter what. No matter what.

That means, no matter what your own needs are in this present moment. Or in any future moments. A man that does not treat a special needs child well, is CERTAINLY not going to make any efforts to treat his mother well either.

You also tell us that he has four children by several different mothers. That again should tell you that his respect for women is on the low end of things. And all you are doing by staying with him is teaching him that it is okay to disrespect you the same way that he has disrespected all of the baby mama’s before you. If he respected at least one of them, my bet is that he would still be with her in an effort to do right by his children, right by their mother. But he didn’t make that choice, did he? So what epic defining moment in his life has happened that you think warrants the belief that he is going to make that choice with you??

There isn’t any epic moment for you to refer to, and there won’t be until he does meet that Ph.D. and do the couch time.

Now, onto you for a minute. I will tell you that the reason you are putting up with this is because you have a history of abuse. You have been sadly taught by other men that it is okay to be treated this way. That you deserve a “just enough” approach to love. That you have earned the methods of being treated poorly in love. So, being brainwashed in that by the father of your children, you are allowing other men to do the same thing.

I am here to tell you, and our readers are here to tell you, that’s all a lie. You deserve better. Period. And the only way you are going to break that cycle is by pulling up your socks and not allowing others to treat you that way any more. I know that you can do it, you already did it with the father of your children. You said, that is not okay and you nipped it in the bud. You can do it again.

If you want to know how to get your boyfriend back, that’s what you have to do. But honestly, I wouldn’t even touch this one until he HAS done the couch time. It is not your job to change his insecurities. If your love isn’t enough for him to overcome his insecurities, it is never going to be enough, until he gets the help he needs.

BUT you say….. “I know he isn’t intentionally playing games but feel like he has learnt to protect himself too much.”

That’s where you are wrong. He IS intentionally playing games with him, because you’ve taught him he can keep coming back to you after his childish behavior. Now you need to teach him new lessons in love. That this behavior is anything but okay.

I KNOW how desperately you want to live happily ever after. We ALL want that. But your happily ever after is not with this guy, until he changes his ways and really starts putting you first. And when a man is dating a woman with children, how he shows that he puts her first is by putting her kids first. He hasn’t done that. So why are you letting another emotionally abusive man in your life?

For this woman, and all other women reading the story about the player who keeps toying with her emotions by feeding her his insecurities, please please listen. The best dating advice for women in this situation is to cut him loose. When you do that, it sends him the message that he isn’t good enough for you, that you are worth more.

One of two things will happen, both in your favor.

1.) He will realize he is not good enough for you, realize that he is madly in love with you, realize that if he wants you in his life he needs to change, and then he will go out and change his life to become the man that you deserve.

2.) He will not realize any of those things and storm out of your life in a huff because you, like all of the other women in his life, wouldn’t put up with his childish behavior. This will then empower you with the realization that you are in charge of your destiny and that you are better off without him, freeing you up to open your life for the love and the man that you truly deserve.

What do you think, readers? Did I miss something? For any of you that have experiences with similar situations, please drop ‘em in the comments to support our reader who clearly needs to see the light at the end of this tunnel. I would love to hear your updates on this, so please, drop me a note in the comments or send me a message and let me know what you decided to do here. Remember, girl power, YOU are in control of your children, your love life, and your own romantic destiny. So take charge! And keep us posted!

How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back When You Are Dealing With Mixed Signals Guy

There are enough issues on the road to life, love, and happiness, that even when you are presented with the black and white of it, it can still be pretty confusing. But when you are given the grey matter in your daily matters, life can seem nothing short of chaotic. Unfortunately, when it comes to matters of the heart, very few things come to us in black and white. Wouldn’t it be absolutely wonderful if we were given black and white roadmap when dealing with our love affairs? If he says this, he means this. If he does this, he meant that. Of course it would, but we, as humans, don’t really work that way. Although this could be a big complaint in the world of romance, if we did work that way, life would be really, really boring. At the same time however, human behavior as grey as it can be sometimes, can be pretty predictable as well. That’s why many of the methods I discuss for those wanting to know relationship advice for mixed signals guy really work. Because of that predictable nature of human relationship.

Today I am going to address a reader’s concern on how to deal with things when things don’t seem so predictable. Many of you write in talking about the same guy. No, I’m not saying you are all dating the same man. But many of you are all dating the same type of guy. You know the guy. If you haven’t dated him yet, you may well before you find The One. His name? Mixed Signals Guy. Nothing aggravates me more than when I am dating a guy that says one thing, and does another, and that’s exactly the trademark of Mixed Signals Guy. We have a reader dealing with one, and let’s look at her problem and get to the brass tax of it. Here’s what she says:

I was dating my boyfriend for 6 months and we literally had the time of our lives together. We always made each other happy and he was very respectful and I loved it! Then I had surgery done and he disappeared after that and never spoke to me till 3 months later. When he spoke to me yea I was bitchy because he made a douchebag move but he let everything out. At this moment we are friends and it’s been 7 months since we last dated. We’ve tried to talk(date) again but it didn’t work out as how we wanted it to. He ended up becoming really busy with work and just said that he’s too busy for a girl right now. Alright, that’s fine. He also said he doesn’t want each other to try forcing to make this relationship work and in the future whatever happens,happens. And I completely agreed with him.

I see him twice a week at the same spot and he always talks to me like how he would when we were dating and he always touches me like my leg and biting me an stuff just to mess around. He walked me out to my car yesterday and we ended up hooking up (just making out) and I didn’t want to and I wanted to stop so badly and tell him this isn’t what we should be doing we both agreed not to do this. It was just very awkward. So I texted him later and was like what was that and he said Idk. And I was just texting him like you can’t keep doing this and he’s like I like you but I don’t want a relationship. Okkkkkkk so if u like me and don’t want a relationship why would you do that. He said he cares but sometimes his actions take over. Alright sooooooo what do I do. We still have light feelings for each other and I don’t want to let him go. Hes a great guy.

What do you think, ladies? This one at first glance is actually a bit of a no brainer. I know the reader in question doesn’t necessarily agree, because she’s in the middle of it. We’ve all been in that middle, trying to figure out why he’s saying one thing and doing another. But the truth is, he’s actually being a lot clearer than our dear reader wants to admit.

We’ve all been there.

But when it comes to relationship advice for women that are dealing with Mixed Signals Guy, my advice is always, agree with him, thank him, and move on your merry way. See, this is where that handy little tip of, you teach people how to treat you goes a very long way. Right now our reader is teaching him that it’s okay to keep walking all over her like this, when the truth is, it isn’t. How do we know this? Because she has accepted the yo-yoing back and forth and not given him the boundaries she needs to feel secure in this relationship.

I’m going to translate some of his mixed signals for you.

“I like you, but I don’t want a relationship.”

What he’s saying is, I like you, and I don’t really have anyone else that I like more in my life right now, so I want whatever I can get from you right now….without a commitment.

“I care, I definitely do, but sometimes my actions take over and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Dear reader, is he 4? Because 4 year olds don’t have the developed neocortexes that adults have, and they do act impulsively and honestly can’t help it. If you are dating a 4 year old, stop. If you aren’t, tell him to grow up. He is a grown man with a mind of his own and absolutely can stop what he is doing if he knows it is going to hurt you. Which he does know, or he wouldn’t be giving you these lame excuses.

You say, “We still have light feelings for each other and I don’t want to let him go.”

Here is my translation of your statement, dearest reader. “I really like him, and don’t really know where he stands with me, and I am afraid that if I don’t let him go and pursue other options that I won’t find any other options and I will have let go the one guy that at least liked me a little.”

Ring true for you? We’ve all said that, felt that, experienced that. But the truth of the matter is, when you translate your own fears, you see the cold hard truth. You are settling with this guy.

The truth is, you deserve a guy that is screaming from the mountains, I’m crazy about her! I can’t get enough of her!! I want to be with her and only her!

What you DON’T deserve, is being fully invested in something when the guy is responding with, “I love making out with her! I love hooking up with her! I am crazy about the fact that I finally met someone who is letting me have my cake and eat it too!”

You also mention that he’s a great guy. While I don’t know him personally, I am going to disagree with you on this one based on the information you have provided. Great guys do not leave their girlfriends hanging for three months after they had surgery. If he did that to you once, he will do that to you again. Do you really want to wait for that to happen when you are engaged or married?

Does this situation make more sense to you?

The next time he slips up and tries to lose control of his actions, nip him in the bud. If you truly want to get your boyfriend back and in a loving and much more committed way, you need to show him and explain to him that the only way to do that is to make you his own.

The next time this happens, and you are texting him telling him this is unfair, wait for his response. It will look exactly like the first one. “I am happy with no commitment, and if you want to keep making out with me, you have to be happy with that too.”

Your response needs to sound like, “Okay great, thanks for spelling things out for me. Been great hanging with you but truthfully, I’m looking for something more. I do think you’re great, a great kisser even, but I need more. I know you care about me and want me to be happy, so I am going to go look for my happy. Let me know if a relationship is ever something you’re into, and if I’m free, I will let you know. You know how it is, in the future, whatever happens, happens, right? Until then, best of luck.”

I guarantee you his eyes will pop open very wide as soon as he sees that message.

What do you think dear readers? Did I miss something? This is one of those situations where you need to remember that YOU, not HE, is in control of your relationship and romantic affairs. So take your power back, and teach him how to treat you. Good luck, and please do keep us posted!!

Relationship Advice When Your Man Has PTSD

Well, let’s hit another tough topic today shall we? As I’ve said, all of them are tough. But this particular issue is hitting America in volumes that are less than comfortable. Today’s topic? How to get him back when your man has PTSD. This topic is sort of a partner to a previous topic, how to get back together with someone that has a mental health diagnosis. I mentioned in that column just how common that is. When it comes to PTSD, it’s even more common.

How common is PTSD?

Before I started answering this question today, I took a little journey over to the National Institute of Mental Health to see just how common this problem is. It is a problem that as you read this right now, PTSD is affecting 7.7 million Americans.

That’s a LOT. The greatest comfort you can take from this is that, whoever you know that is struggling with this is not alone. But when you consider suicide to be one of the “side effects” of PTSD, it’s not a comforting number at all. This important fact about PTSD is why I’ve chosen to cover mental health again for all of you, because I know if it is affecting one reader, it is affecting many.

One of our readers is in love with a man who has PTSD. Before I get to her question, let me tell you something about this disorder, and about any mental health disorder really. When someone is struggling psychologically, they are very difficult to understand. They seem illogical at times, irrational at others, and just plain psychotic when they are at their very worst.

So easy to write these guys off and say, “Good luck with that!”

But for some, not so easy. When you are carrying their child or have a ring on your finger and made promises to them, there is nothing easy at all about it.

You can and you will spend hours and days and months crying about this, and wondering what you can do to help them get their heads straight. The cold hard truth is that YOU alone can not do anything. You can do SOME things, but you alone will not be able to heal them. Without you, their journey of healing may be tougher, there is no question about that. But what happened to them is NOT your fault, and is a problem that is bigger than you are able to handle.

The other thing you need to realize when you are going in and about your every day with them is that….they process things differently than you do. For example, they may freak out or melt down when they hear thunder booming, or fireworks across the street, or any little thing that is their own unique PTSD trigger. This kind of thing could destroy their day. What are they going to do? Take it out on you.

But he’s not going to say, “I am freaking out because that noise reminded me of a roadside bomb that killed my best friend.”

Instead, he’s going to freak out and have a meltdown, and when you walk into the room it will sound like, “Why aren’t the freaking dishes done already? Where the hell is my dinner? What the hell have you been doing all day?? For god’s sake woman can’t you do anything right? I go out to fight for this country and you have done absolutely NOTHING to show any respect! What were you doing all that time I was gone anyway?? Who were you with? I sacrificed so much and THIS is how you thank me??”

It doesn’t make sense to you right? You are left feeling hurt and responsible, and it doesn’t even occur to you that he’s not processing things properly and that this isn’t your fault. He’s not processing things in the same way that someone who didn’t have to make all of those sacrifices would be.

That’s because he’s not that other person, and he’s sick. And he needs help. Help that you alone can not provide.

Does that mean your relationship is doomed?

No. It just means that you need to be redirected towards the tools that will help repair it. Think of it this way. If you bought a car that you fell in love with, but it made a squeal every time you hit a speed bump, what would you do?

Would you give it away and get a new car because you couldn’t understand this problem?

Of course you wouldn’t. And you wouldn’t do that with the love of your life either. Instead, you would take him somewhere to get help, find out what is really causing the squeal, and hang in there with him until the squeal stops showing up, or shows up less and less and less.

Let’s go to our reader’s question today. Her biggest question is how to get him back, or even if she can get him back, after he’s been diagnosed with PTSD. I’m going to call her “Faith”.

Here’s what Faith wrote in, once again I’ve highlighted key points to take away.

My current ex and I were in and off for a year. He’s an army veteran and he has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He is also very skeptical of anything remotely good and pleasant in his life, but overall, he was a great, sweet boyfriend… The day I told him I told him I’m pregnant, he said that he wants a paternity test when the baby is born which was a slap in the face to me. I’ve always been what you would call “sexually shy” and I despise the idea of “flings” and he knew that practically since day one and yet he dumped me a couple of days later for “cheating” on him.

His “evidence” was a sincere letter I had written to a friend he and I shared that passed away. That friend happened to be a guy by the way. The whole break up was a total nightmare and I could never repeat the things he said to me. Long story, short, he blamed me for the relationship falling apart. He said that he’ll stick around to be the father, but I’m seven months along and he won’t bother to come visit at all. He got a new girlfriend a week or two after the breakup. I told him that I need to meet her if she’s going to be around the baby and he refuses.

I know him well enough that he doesn’t like the fact that I’m pregnant so he made up a different excuse to be mad about and he’s just with this girl till I deliver the baby and he gets his paternity test. He says that he doesn’t want to be involved with me, only the baby, but he has repeatedly tried to convince me to “get my rocks off” and the last time I did see him, he was all cuddly (that was about two months ago). I know he still gives a damn, but he thinks he can hide it. Recently, he did text me and ask me how I was doing and what I was up to, which was odd to me.. At the most, I talk to him once, maybe twice a week.Any tips to help get his head straight?

This is one of those questions that offers more hope than others, even if it doesn’t feel that way to you right now, Faith. You’ve said a lot of great things about this guy, even though you are clearly frustrated. “Overall, great sweet boyfriend.” You’ve mentioned that he still checks in on you, that he’s cuddly, and that he’s even passed on a few innuendos on occasion. As far as I’m concerned, all green lights for this relationship.

If you want my gut instinct hunch that I received when I was reading your letter, Faith, as soon as that paternity test comes back as his baby, you won’t need to write me letters any more because you will be happy and in your mommy bliss…with the man that you love. Of course, I hope you do come back and continue to help our readers with your experiences, but you won’t have a broken relationship anymore. I may be wrong, but about these kinds of things, I seldom am.

Why do I say this? Because there’s nothing bad about this guy. You said so yourself. He has some jealousy and insecurity issues obviously. Any man that would ask you to get a paternity test without probable cause is jealous and insecure. But you have to remember, he processes things differently.

It is very difficult for him to see anything good in his life right now, because he is an Army Veteran and has seen the worst of the worst in terms of the sanctity of human existence. Once someone is traumatized by something they have experienced or witnessed, it takes years for them to overcome that one image or that one experience and believe that there IS good in the world. He will realize that however, with the right help, and the right slow and steady journey from you, see the good in the world. And, since there’s a new baby on the way, miracles will become more believable to him sooner than you might think. You can’t ever stop remembering that the way he processes things right now has nothing to do with YOU, and everything to do with what happened to him AFTER he took that long flight to who knows where into the middle of war not that long ago. How can you remind yourself of this?

Put yourself in his shoes.

On top of the trauma and destruction and havoc that war wreaks on someone’s brain wires, think about this. If you went away for 18 months and had to leave him for that long, wouldn’t you have some of your own insecurities about how he passed his time as well? What if you ran across a letter that he wrote to some other woman while you were gone? You would question him, no matter how much you love him, wouldn’t you?

The answer is yes, because we ALL would. That’s normal. Outside of his PTSD, there is nothing abnormal or wrong with this guy. The girl he is with now? You said so yourself. He’s just with her to pass the time until he sees the black and white DNA results.

If he’s texting you, he’s thinking about you.

You also said he is still texting you. If he was in love with her, whether you were carrying his baby or not, he wouldn’t be doing that.

You also asked, “Any tips to help get his head straight?”

For that, my advice is, get him to a doctor that he can see regularly to help him cope with his PTSD until or after the baby is born. You can’t get his head straight. And from what I have seen, you are doing just fine handling things on your own right now.

You however, may want to work on getting your head straight. NOT saying there is something messed up with you, but merely suggesting that you turn your head away from your own pain and problems, and look directly at his and the truth that he is showing you. That truth is that he IS struggling with something, and that he DOES care enough about you to keep checking in on you, and that you KNOW he still “gives a damn”.

So give him a chance to give a damn, without judging him for his actions that are in all likelihood caused by his mental health struggles. You don’t need to and you shouldn’t be texting him all of the time to see how he is or ask whatever excuse you come up with. But you can give him a tremendous gift by giving him some space, and drawing close to him when he draws close to you the next time he texts you. He will realize at one point that this girl he is with right now is not the one that has stood by him through thick and thin.   I can assure you, he is not in love with a person that he took into his life one week after he broke up with the mother of his child.  And when he takes that bundle of joy into his arms for the first time, he will see you in an entirely different way. THIS I promise.

What do you do next?

The best relationship advice I can give you right now, Faith, is, hang in there. That’s why I changed your name to Faith. Every time you feel that baby kick, remember that he IS with you, more than it feels on those dark hours. Take care of YOU for the next two months, and by doing so, you will in some way be taking care of all three of you. Your child is the most important thing in your life right now, and the rest, from the sounds of it, will fall into place sooner than later.
We wish you the best of luck, and are eagerly waiting your update!!! Readers, drop some notes in the comments to wish our Faith well until we hear from her again!

How to Get Him Back When Your Man Has a Mental Health Diagnosis

Okay, I already know what most of you are thinking from the title of today’s post. Many of you with exes you are trying to get back, or even those you never want to see again, are certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that if he hasn’t come crawling back to you by now he must be a flat out crazy person.

What woman hasn’t thought that? Men do too, ever hear the term “psycho chick”?

I feel your pain, I too have had my share of men in my life who I have referred to as sociopathic, schizophrenic, or even bipolar, because they acted like two different people at multiple different times. It’s EASY to think someone is certifiably crazy when they say they love you one minute, but are out posting profiles to pick up other women the next. Truthfully, there’s nothing crazy in those kinds of behaviors, it just FEELS that way at the time. When something doesn’t make sense to us, we find it a little insane in our world. In fact, anything that veers from what you know to be normal seems crazy. There’s nothing wrong with a few incorrectly placed diagnoses during a heated breakup moment, we’ve all done it. I urge you to try and not do that toooo often, otherwise it won’t be the man that looks like the crazy person. Get it out of your system and move on girl, if he is acting bipolar you certainly don’t need that in your life.

But that’s not what I’m talking about today. What I am going to talk about today is the pain that comes with dating, being engaged to, or even being married to someone that has been given a certified diagnosis of a mental health issue.

Why would you want to talk about that, you say? Hardly anyone ever has to deal with THAT, you say?
Wrong. The truth is, mental health issues are on the rise, and you would be very surprised to learn just how much so. It is estimated that one in five people suffer from one of these hidden illnesses, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and the list is actually quite long. That means a lot of the people you know are suffering from these issues! That ALSO means, your chances of dating someone with a mental health problem is one in five. That’s right, scary number right?

Not really. The scariest thing about mental health issues is the unknown. When you don’t know what you are dealing with, you don’t know how to deal with it. It’s scary!

When you love someone that is dealing with this, it’s even harder. It’s more difficult, more scary, and more frustrating than the average relationship. If you are a woman that loves a man with a mental illness, then your chances of being in the position of having to figure out how to get him back increase as well, because their history of stable relationships is slim to none. Sound even scarier?

It doesn’t have to. We have a question from a reader on this very topic, and I am posting it today because I know there are millions of other women out there just like her that are confused, scared, and frustrated that the man they love is too sick to ever love them again.

Our friend Ashleigh has written in about her man who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Let’s have a look at the tough ride she has been on and see what we can do to help her out.

Me and my boyfriend have been in an on again off again relationship for about 3 years now. We’ve been through so much together, but he has a bad temper, bipolar and he’s slow so its very hard to deal with someone like that. He always thinks that I do him wrong and that I’m always against him, but that’s not the case! We argue all the time over little stuff. I try to talk to him down and calm him down before he starts getting upset, but instead he hangs up and get mad and doesn’t answer or return my calls.

He always does this especially when he know he’s wrong. His family really can’t put up with him because he talks down on everybody. Every time he messes up I always take him back, nobody will ever put up with his behavior except me. When we’re in public he acts like a little kid he’s(24). I do all I can for this man, and it seems like he doesn’t appreciate the things I do for him. Either he’s too dumb to realize or he just doesn’t know it yet.

Every time we argue we say mean things to each other but then I realize I was wrong and try to call him back, but he doesn’t answer. And when he does, he says I’m doing him wrong. So he went to stay with this girl, she kicked him out, called the police on him, and took all his money and left him lying there on the street. I fed him, took him back, washed his clothes, and since he had no where to stay I let him sneak in my parents house which I got into a lot of trouble for.

I brought him money and got him out of jail twice. He got drunk somewhere, passed out, I rushed to the hospital to see him twice nobody eles was there for him. After all that, I helped him get a side job. Now he’s saying to me that work is more important and that he doesn’t want to talk to me and that he doesn’t have time for me anymore. So he called the phone company and had them to turn my phone off.

He doesn’t realize that if it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t be where he’s at today. He needs to open his eyes and realize the things I do for him. When I call him, he ignores my phone call and tells me that I’m using him and taking advantage of him which is not true. Also, he tells me that he has a future with this girl that they are in love and all that stuff. Please help me give me some advice tell me what should I do.

Okay, well, this one is less tricky than it looks. I’ve highlighted some of the most important things in this letter. Before we break it down, let me just say “Ashleigh” that I am sorry you are going through this. It is very difficult to be with someone struggling with a seesaw of mental things going on inside. Even so, that doesn’t make your relationship any less normal than any of the rest of ours. What I am trying to say by that is, your prescription will be the same as everybody else’s which will make this process so much easier for you.

It is important to never forget there are two people in every relationship. That means, both parties need to take responsibility. It is not ONLY up to him to fix this, it is also up to you, if you want to really know how to get your ex boyfriend back, the RIGHT way.

You have a three year thing happening now, which is a good thing in the sense that you have a history to work with. Unfortunately it does not sound like a lot of that history has been good. You have taught him how to treat you by putting up with a lot of this, given the nature of his mental health. This is normal. When we have someone in our life that is mentally ill, we tend to give them a little more slack than we would the average person.

There’s nothing wrong with that. But this cycle becomes wrong when that’s all you do! If you are constantly giving, he is constantly going to be taking, and you wind up with all of the resentment you have here. What is he going to do? When you get bitter and resentful for not wanting to give anymore, he is going to move on and find someone that won’t be so bitter. Like the first girl who ended up calling the police on him when he took from her, and like this second girl who he claims he is in love with.

Given the history of relationships with most mentally ill people, I am going to put money on the fact that he won’t be with this new one any longer than he was with the last. It’s just the sorry cycle that he has to deal with unfortunately because of his mental health problems. What I mean by that is, he doesn’t know any better. And he won’t unless someone teaches him otherwise. And the woman that does, is going to be the one that keeps him.

That can be YOU, Ashleigh!

How are you going to do this? The same way every other woman here is trying to figure out how to get her boyfriend back. No contact zone, followed by some honest pure discussion. What I suggest to you is that you break up with him before you enter the No Contact Zone.

WHAT? Break up with someone you are trying to get back?

YES.

By doing so, you will teach him that you won’t be the giver 100% anymore. You teach him that you deserve better, which you do, and that if he wants you back, it will be on terms you can both agree with. You don’t need to be mean about it. All you need to do is write him a note, a text, or leave him a voicemail that sounds something like this:

“Hi honey, so glad to hear things are going well with you! You know how much I care about you and how much you mean to me. I’m so sorry that after all we have been through we really didn’t get the traction in our relationship that we both wanted, no matter how hard we tried. I hope after all this time we can be friends, because I want you to know that your well being and health means so much to me, and that I would do anything to help you. I only want your happiness because that’s how much I care for you. I’m sorry it worked out this way, maybe one day there will be hope for us after we have grown and healed. Thank you for everything that you have been in my life. If you ever need me, give me a call. Until then, I wish you all the best! Love, Ashleigh.”

When he sees or hears that, he will realize who the real woman in his life is. But once you do that, you HAVE to cut the ties in a NO CONTACT ZONE. He won’t call you or write you back right away, anyway. He will use some time to digest this, and try and process it. If he is with someone else, there is a chance that this letter or voicemail will begin to highlight to him what this other person is NOT. He will either very seriously consider coming back to you, or at the very least, begin initiating contact again.

For 30 days, you are not to answer him. You are to live your life and remind yourself how happy you are without this stress. Then, when you hear from him, you ask him to meet you for a coffee or a lunch and…take it from there.

How do I know this works? Well, I know it has worked for me, and I know it has worked for other ladies that have sought my same advice on this very topic. At this point, showing him you are a woman worth appreciating by letting him go for 30 days is a good move, because you have absolutely NOTHING to lose at this point. And, it shows him that you DO appreciate him as well!

Good luck, and drop us a note and let us know what happened!

What do you think readers? Have I missed anything? Pop your thoughts in the comments box if you have any other thoughts on how to get your boyfriend back!

How Do I Get My Ex-Boyfriend Back After a Hookup?

Thanks again to all of you that are writing in!  I love that you want my insight on how to make your relationships better! A lot of questions that come in area long the same lines, and I see a lot of questions covering that grey area of hookups, Friends With Benefits, those types of scenarios.  That is what we are going to talk about today.

A Reader Asks:  How do I get my ex boyfriend back after a hookup?

Before I address the reader’s question, many of you may already know where I stand on this issue.  Remember, my goal is to answer your questions on how to get my ex-boyfriend back, and how to make him more committed than ever before.  That is the key to a good and successful relationship.  Essentially, even in this day and age of casual sex, no strings attached, hookups, and friends with benefits, that’s what everybody wants.

When people go to these casual situations, what they are really doing is settling for what they can get right now, UNTIL a relationship develops.  But it is a very tricky line to cross between the casual and the committed, especially if sex is in the picture.  I do like things a little old school, you will hear me say that time and again. Why?  Because it works.  So as we go into Confuzzled’s question, remember one of my hard and fast rules to get your boyfriend back, no sex until monogamy has been addressed.  Here is what Confuzzled asked:

So I a few days ago my ex texted me basically saying he didnt know what he was thinking breaking up with me and asked if I would give him another chance but said he didnt want one.

As the convo went on we basically made plans to hangout thursday and just cuddle or w/e but he really wanted to hook up He didn’t talk to me at all the next day but then the next night after that he texted me saying “I can’t, I can’t talk to you. All I’m going to do is lead you on and hurt you. All I do is hurt people.” So he was in a really bad move but then we talked about it and got flirting and it sort of lead to us making plans to hook up and I even sent him a few pictures. But the next night (last night) he texted me saying hey I’m sorry I didnt text you today and we had a super short convo and all the sudden he said he doesn’t want to hook up, well he does, but he wont.

I asked why and he said he knows its fucked up but his friend texted him asking him to hook up that day and he said no, cause he didn’t like her for more than a friend. He also realized that “he hates hooking up with people he isn’t emotionally attracted to.” But he totally stopped texting me and I was heartbroken. He ignored me all day today even though we were supposed to hang. At this point I feel like i have a hole in my heart thats only filled when he’s talking to me weather we’re fighting, hookingup, or just having a normal convo, but I really need to be around/talking to him all the time.

When I do talk to him, I dont feel much but I feel really comfortable and whole. I don’t know what he means, or what I should do?

Sincerely, Confuzzled

For starters, congratulations Confuzzled on wanting to put an end to these mixed signals.  You are right to want what you want, and you are entitled to a committed relationship if that is what you want.

Now having said everything I said in my introduction to this email, what do you think my response is going to be?  You got it.

Stop having sex with him. 

Once again, I do not know how long you were together, or what the details of your breakup were, but you have given me enough information to tell me that the sex and the hookups are what is causing all of these mixed signals.  I will also say, congratulations to your man for figuring this out too!   He flat out told you, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

What does this tell me?  He DOES care about you.  He may be going through this period right now where he is engaging in casual sex to try and get over you, deal with his own pain, or anything along that lines.  We don’t know why he is doing that.  What we DO know is that even HE doesn’t like doing that.

To answer one of your questions, this is exactly why he stopped contacting you, and ignoring your texts.  Because he is afraid of hurting you even more.  Truth be told, it doesn’t sound like he is ready for an entirely committed thing yet.  It sounds like he needs to figure some stuff out.  But that’s a good thing.  Having a man in your life that knows he doesn’t want to hurt you is a good thing, even if you aren’t together right now.  It shows that he cares, and that is a foundation you can use.

So here is what you need to do Confuzzled if you want to get your exboyfriend back.  Stop having sex with him.  And let him know that but in the kind and gentle loving way that he knows you to have.  Thank him for being so honest with you, because that is a rare thing to have.  Tell him you are lucky to have someone in your life that is honest enough with you to know when it is time to take a break.  Then agree with him.  Agree that you both need a little bit of space right now, and take that break sticking tried and true to the No Contact Zone.

This is going to throw him off a bit, I warn you.  He cares about you and is used to hearing from you.  But you need to stick to this to meet your end goal, which is having him come back to you more committed than ever.  After the 30 day period in the No Contact Zone, contact him again, but ONLY IF he contacts you first.  Then tell him what you want.  He will do one of two things.  Accept your offer of a committed relationship with him, or not.

In any case, do not, and I repeat do NOT have sex with him UNLESS you and he have committed to a monogamous relationship.

Otherwise, 30 or 31 days from now you will be writing me with the exact same question and broken heart.

I don’t want that for you. 

I want you to contact me again in 30-60 days telling me how much in love with you he is all over again.

If you want to get your boyfriend back after a hookup, these are the steps you need to take.  You are strong and you can do it.  Touch base again and let us know how it goes!  How about you readers?  Got a similar question? Drop it in the inbox, or drop some comments here for Confuzzled and give her some tips on how to make this time so much easier for her. Good luck Confuzzled, we are all rooting for you!

5 Dirty Little Relationship Secrets

“Can we talk?”

Thump.   That’s the sound you heard and the wallop you felt when those three little words were uttered.  (And not the three you had been hoping for.)

Each on hitting you like a ton of bricks, and followed with something like, “I think we need a little space.” Or, “I think we are better off as friends.”

Or even worse, the deepest surgical cut of them all, “It’s not you, it’s me. Really.”

What’s a girl to do?  Fret not oh fabulous one, you have options.  1. Find a tub of ice cream with all the bells and whistles, this one merits the aisle right past all the non-fat brands, or 2. Consider this just a relationship bump, and try to make him miss you and get your boyfriend back, stat.  Easier said than done, you say?  Let’s see about that.

There are plenty of gurus and guides out there that may help you out with this one, but if you really want to make your ex-boyfriend miss you, chances are you have to act fast.

To make your ex want you again, you have to figure out what his hot buttons are, and remember that hope is not lost.  He DID love you at one point, and those feelings don’t just die after three little words are uttered.  Tap into those by using some dirty little secrets that will make him miss you, and you’ve definitely got a shot.

5 Dirty Little Secrets to Get Him Back

1.  Stop talking about the problems that lead you here.  Who wants to talk about problems? Not fun. Not sexy.  Sexy is what got him to you, and sexy is what will bring him back.  We repeat, problems aren’t sexy.  Seducing a man is easy, but if you want to know how to seduce your ex boyfriend, stop reminding him of all of the things that brought him to those three little words.

2.  Get your game on.  No matter how long you were with him, you have to go back to those first days and weeks of the relationship where you brought your A game.  The game that made him sweat over you when you weren’t around, the one where you did everything right because you didn’t want to screw it up. Every time you saw him you looked, smelled, and even felt as fabulous as ever.  Bring that back.  And don’t be afraid to show a little lace.

3.  Speaking of lace….Invest in some new lingerie.  No you don’t know yet if he’s ever going to see it, but wearing it will make you feel great.  It will make you feel as beautiful as you are.  You will walk taller and straighter because you look and feel sexy as all get up.  When you feel sexy, it shows, and if you can strut past him with some new fancy things on, well, he’s certainly going to wonder why.  He may even ask “what’s with you?” So you tell him, “just bought some new lingerie for myself and I feel great, that’s all, thanks!”

4. Never. Stop. Smiling.  Yep, this is a toughie if you are mending a broken heart, but this is one of those times you need to fake it till you make it.  Those are the only three little words that you need to focus on right now.  Why?  Numerous studies have shown that people that smile are perceived as more attractive and more successful in life overall.  People want to be around people that are happy.  People want to be around people that are smiling more than they are not.  They are thought of as fun, and all around positive people.  Men are very attracted to positive, fun girls.  If you want to get your boyfriend back, you need to BE that girl!

5.  Now strut.  Those boots were made for walkin, weren’t they? None of the above tips will help you get your boyfriend back and they won’t make him miss you if he is unable to witness any of them. You need to figure out a way to make him notice you without clubbing him over the head with it (that reads, I am trying to get a guy back). Be subtle, be sexy, and make him see it all.

Are you ready, girl? OK, then start walkin’.

read more in our best relationship advice for women

Want to Get Him Back? Here’s How

If you are suddenly finding yourself in the position of being single, one thing that might be going through your mind over and over right now is how to get your boyfriend back.  There are few women that don’t wonder this very thing when a healthy relationship ends, and they want to fix it. 

And men, normally the gender in the business of fixing what is broken, seem less than interested at this point.  In fact, it may even feel like he prefers this “thing” you had to stay broken. 

Sound familiar? 

Then you’ve probably been trying ways to make him miss you that aren’t working.  You’ve probably been using old standbys that women for generations have used to get a guy back, and they are counterproductive. 

If you want to truly win him back, you have to change your gameplan. Here’s how.

Emotional Hot Buttons

They are called “emotional hot buttons” and we all have them, and emotional hot buttons on a man are very powerful things.  If you can find a way to control those buttons, or at least trigger them, you will be well on your way to get your boyfriend back. 

The first thing you need to do is stop doing what you are doing, because chances are you are using women’s techniques.  It seems rational to you, because you are a woman, but what will work on your girlfriends when you are sad about something just plain isn’t going to work on your man. 

Because he’s a man.  And men have different emotional hot buttons than we do.

Guy Buttons

To make your ex want you, you  have to tap into these emotional buttons that will change his mindset as well.  When he starts feeling anything differently from the anger, bitterness, or resentment that lead to the breakup, his mindset will begin to turn in your favor, and you have a better chance to win him back.

But you say, “men are supposed to be the logical creatures while we are the emotional ones in society.” 

That’s so true!  And knowing this will be an incredible tool to get your boyfriend back!  Use it.  The more logical a man is, the more predictable he becomes to you as well.  See how what may seem like a disadvantage to you could actually be an opportunity to make him miss you?

If you know that he’s logical, don’t use logic and reason to try and get him back.  And don’t tell him how much you miss him either. 

These are logical rational things that only SEEM logical, and will only drive him further away.  Use his logical and rational frame of mind instead to push his emotional hot buttons.  If you had a good relationship, then you know what those hot buttons are, you know what makes him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 

Now you just have to use the sexiest version of you possible to trigger those warm and fuzzies again.

If you don’t want to drive him away, then do the opposite of what he is expecting and this will help trigger those warm and fuzzies.  He will be expecting you to beg for him back or at least tell him how much you want him back. 

What He Does’t Expect

What he won’t expect from you is a little distance, which is the most logical thing to do at this point.  He can’t push you away if you aren’t close, so put that distance in and add a dash of mystery.  Bob Grant relationship expert says “The more a man’s imagination works for you, the more he becomes curious.”

If you are wondering how to make your ex boyfriend miss you, you need to start tapping right into that imagination of his. Make him curious.  You won’t be able to do that if you are in his face begging for his love every chance you get. So, create some emotional distance and get his attention.

The Quickest Way I Know To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You

If you have been burned by a relationship and either want to prove that you were not the bad one, or want your ex back, you need to know that there are many ways to make your ex boyfriend miss you. Many women have been using the very same techniques to turn around the relationship and get back together successfully.

When you think that you are no longer needed and you can’t take care of your man any more, it is a horrible feeling.

You can still make your ex want you by changing your behavior and working on a successful plan.

Let’s face it: there is nothing harder than making your ex want to see you or arrange meeting by accident. Unfortunately, this is not something you can do without help. I don’t mean that you would need to spy on him if you want to make your ex boyfriend miss you, but if you suggested to meet he would possibly refuse. Men are very proud and wouldn’t come back on their own, no matter how much they suffer. That is why you have to try and help him.

The best way to make your ex want you is to try and get him to notice you in a new light.

If you stay the same, he might not be interested in you, as he thinks he knows you inside out. But if you are getting a makeover, start hanging out with different people, take on a new hobby, start a new sport or just behave differently, you can make your ex boyfriend miss you.

You might be thinking that he will forget about you, right after breaking up. Although men don’t usually like showing their feelings and can try and stay strong, they will still miss you. As they are practical creatures, they will remember the things you did for them first. So you can work on reminding him about these things –obviously indirectly- to make your ex boyfriend miss you.

You should be trying to look indifferent and happy; this is the best way to make your ex want you.

He might see how content and satisfied you are and he will be jealous of the people you spend time with.

And now you are on the way to get him back. When he sees your new single life, he will want to be a part of it, too. If he sees you having fun and going out with your friends, he will instantly remember the times you spent together. If you don’t even mention your relationship, you will be able to make your ex want you.

Men usually want what they can’t have.

This is strange but true. They are ALL hunters at heart. (If you understand that, you are more than 1/2 way to being in control of your relationship.)

You still should not flirt with every guy, and certainly not start a new serious relationship. Instead you need to look happy on your own and show no need for getting back together.  Stay in touch but a bit too busy to spend time worrying about him. Soon, he’ll be back trying to get your attention again.

While many girls think the best way to make your ex boyfriend miss you is to beg him every day, the opposite of this is the truth. If you are disappearing for a while and become mysterious, he will suddenly become interested in you again. Then you turn up, with new friends, looking great, and you seem to be happy.

He will immediately think that something is not right, and he shouldn’t have let you go.

This is the best way to make your ex want you.

When your relationship is on the skids, the worst thing that you can do is to do nothing.
If your situation is urgent, I suggest you Check This Out
 

The Secrets on How to Get Him Back

how to get him backIf you are in the middle of a breakup, it’s a good bet that you are feeling lost, heartbroken, and completely out of control.  Unfortunately for women when we feel like we’ve lost control of something, we have a tendency to do some crazy things.

Things we would never do when we aren’t consumed by a mountain of negative emotions like heartbreak and loss.  Some women cut their losses and move on, but most of us obsess and overanalyze methods and means to win him back or make him miss you so that he comes crawling back.  Depending on what “tips” you used though, this could be counterproductive. 

Let’s discover the real secrets on how to get him back without looking like the overobsessed crazy girl he was once in love with.

Secret 1 – Get Busy with Other Things

Absence DOES make the heart grow fonder, so use that.  If you feel you two belong together, there is a sliver of a chance he feels the same way.  He did have feelings for you at one point, and maybe even still does, but you won’t find that out by “accidentally” driving by his house 32 times a day. 

Making yourself absent is a very effective way to get a guy back, because it reminds them that they actually have something to miss.  This one is actually more common sense than a secret, but women that are trying desperately to regain control of a relationship gone awry have a tendency to forget how to use common sense, making this a very effective secret if you want to know how to make him miss you.

Secret 2 – Live Your Life

Up your social quotient (but not too much).  The step two to this secret is to make sure he sees it.  When you have access to tools such as Facebook, this makes it even easier.  But you can do this without Facebook if you work in the same building, live in the same neighborhood, or have similar friends that are likely to run into each other. 

Make sure you go on with your life as if nothing happened, so that he can see how much fun you are having without him.  That’s right buddy, you snooze you lose and now YOU’ve moved on.  That doesn’t mean you need to date the football team while you are hoping he’s pining away, because that will only drive him away, it just means you should have fun. 

This tells a man that you don’t need or depend on him for your happiness, and that’s very attractive.  And yes, secretly he will be a little jealous too but he will never tell you that.  If you want to get your boyfriend back, you have to start playing the social game. 

Secret 3 – Look Fabulous

Look as fabulous as possible at all times, no matter what.  Again, repeat step two in secret 2 and bada bing.  Make sure he sees it. 

He is OBVIOUSLY attracted to you, or he wouldn’t have been your boyfriend in the first place.  And that’s the funny thing about relationships.  Even when they end, we don’t suddenly start thinking the other person is an ugly horse.  If you want to make him miss you, find ways to remind him how gorgeous you are. 

Even if he’s still bitter or upset over the breakup himself, he may not feel seduced just by looking at you, but if he sees you where other men can see you too, this secret has a powerful effect. 

To win him back, one important emotion to trigger is just a hint of jealousy.  If he runs into you dressed to the nines, on your way to your fabulous life, he’s DEFINITELY going to wonder what is UP with that.  And it WILL make your ex boyfriend miss you, even if the thought never crossed his mind before hand.

To get your boyfriend back, you have to do all of the things that helped you snag him to begin with.

Be yourself, live your life, and look fabulous the whole time.  The ante he has on other men that will also see you doing so is that he once had feeling for you.  Those secrets will make him miss you and help you know how to get him back. 

Now what are you doing still reading this, time to get your game on, girl!