Dating Advice: No Contact Period Instructions to Get Your Boyfriend Back

When it comes to relationship advice, we all love to read it. Then we file it away and hope we never have to use it. But life is life, and no relationship is perfect. Nope. Not even the ones that have gone on for fifty plus years. When we remember that the root word in relationships is “relate,” we will have better relationships. Waiting for something to happen to you in your love life will leave you with a very sorrowful love life. How are you “relating” in your personal relationship experience right now? If that needs some work, it might be time to dig into the files of your archived relationship advice inside you, and start putting it to work. It might be time for you to become the captain of your romantic Destiny.

One piece of relationship advice that many readers, and many women everywhere, struggle with, is the “No Contact Period” after a breakup or separation. Women just want to fix what is wrong so they can have things go back to the way they were. Am I right? Sound familiar? The “No Contact Period” seems too difficult. But we get readers touching base all of the time letting us know that it works! You just have to work it. You have to be in charge of your relationship Destiny, and be the one pulling the strings in your life. But how do you do that?

As far as the No Contact Zone is concerned, it’s very simple. You just have to have no contact for about 30 days. It’s easier said than done, I know. We have a reader who is struggling with this. So today we are going to go step by step and review how to engage the No Contact Zone. Time for you to be in charge! Here’s Ruvimbo’s story.

Hi Michelle … I broke up with my boyfriend weeks ago but i have been texting on a weekly basis begging trying to straighten things up till he told me yesterday I’m acting desperate and I’m pushing him further away. I love him we broke up because he said he wanted to be alone we dated for 5 months we had fun and I felt like he was the one. After the broke up always tried not to contact him but I ended up doing so. Is there any hope that I can get him back. Ruvimbo.

Hi Ruvimbo, thanks for touching base! Your biggest challenge here is staying in the No Contact Zone. He’s giving you valuable information here – you are contacting him too much. It’s your job now to “relate” to him in a way that makes him happy, and you happy. Right now you are relating to him in a way that makes you both miserable. So it’s time to stop your current way of doing things, and try something new.

As for your question on hope, I have some thoughts for you. We are not in the business of selling hope. Just sound relationship advice that you can and should use. I don’t know this individual well enough to know where he stands or how he feels. But if you were together for five months, I suspect there are some feelings there from him. Feelings never just go away. So I would take that a step further and say there is always hope in relationships, where real feelings preside. Whether that is your situation or not right now remains to be seen.

But the truth is, whether there is hope or not, is not your biggest problem. You are not happy. He is giving you information that reflects that he is not happy. So how can we fix this? You need to enter the No Contact Zone in a way that brings you back to your happy place. When you find that YOU are in charge of what happens next, you will see a LOT of that happy place return. Follow these steps for the No Contact Period, to the letter, do not waiver, and within time you will begin to feel easier.

1. Delete him from your phone, email, Facebook, Twitter, everything.

If you don’t have his contact information, it makes it that much more difficult for you to contact him, right? Do not block him when you do this. Just dis-engage and make him invisible for a little while. You can use the “mute” feature on Twitter if you don’t want to delete him completely, and he won’t even know you did it. You can “unfollow” on Facebook, or add him to another list of friends on your Facebook so that you don’t see his posts. Not being exposed to these things, while you are trying to clear your head in the No Contact Zone is going to help you tremendously. But you have to actually do it!

Remember, you are not deleting him forever. You are just putting him aside for now, to help him, and to help YOU, be a happier person relating in this experience.

2. Do NOT visit his social media pages.

This is an extension of the previous bit of relationship advice. Unfollowing him or putting his information aside for a little while is great. But if you are unfollowing him, and then creeping his Facebook every day just to get your daily fix, this is not the No Contact Zone. So this step is worth an extra mention. Do NOT visit his social media pages. The goal of the No Contact Zone is not just to give you both a little space and breathing, but it’s to clear your head from the distraction of the pain in this relationship. So, just, let that go for a little while. Remember, this is not forever. And don’t beat yourself up about any of it either. We’ve ALL creeped an ex’s Facebook at one point.

3. Take your life back for 30 days.

They say old habits die hard and when we are trying to get rid of them, we need to replace them with something else. So find something to do now that replaces the time you have spent contacting him, texting him, creeping his social media. Replace it with something fun, something that fills you with joy. Many experts say to break habits you need to be doing some replacement for at least two weeks. This is why I have the No Contact Zone for 30 days. That extra two weeks really makes a difference.

Start a new fitness program, join a club or pick up a new hobby, spend more time with your friends, get a new job, spend more time with YOU. I also encourage you to read some of our older stories to help you feel uplifted during this 30 days, which may be stressful for you.

Have a look at the Top 3 Dating Mistakes you may be making, and see if that helps. You may also want to review, “Get Him Back After Pushing Him Away.” Don’t worry so much about him, YOU are your priority now.

Do not under any circumstances contact him during this time frame, if you really want to get your boyfriend back. If you do, you have to start the 30 days for the No Contact Zone all over again.

After 30 days, touch base with him again. If you want. I know some people that reach this point and are having so much fun, and are so happy to be in control of their destiny again, that they don’t even bother. And they hear from him first! This No Contact Period is a powerful tool. When you go from “desperate” to being independent, confident, and in control, it does something with men, because independent, confident, women are very, very attractive.

Right now, he does not want a desperate woman. So, if you want to get your boyfriend back, the best relationship advice I can give you is to show him you are not that person. I know you’re not. Your girlfriends know you are not. So prove it to him. When you do, I believe there is hope and that this is how to get your boyfriend back. Let us know how this works out! Readers, do you have any relationship advice for this friend? Or drop some notes in the comments that let us know how you got your boyfriend back after a situation like this.

 

Relationship Advice – How to Know If There’s Hope to Get Your Boyfriend Back

When you have been with someone for many years, something happens to you as individuals and as a couple.  Being with someone for years creates a bond, and in addition to relationship chemistry there is actual brain chemistry that supports this. When a couple is intimate, and I’m not just talking about physical things, but when they spend years getting closer to each other, the brain releases a hormone known as “Oxytocin.”  This is a hormone that is responsible for humans pair-bonding, in a loving, and intimate way that has nothing to do with physical matters.

So when these relationships break up, the question of “hope” is all the more confusing.  Is there hope for these kinds of relationships? In these kinds of relationships, there is ALWAYS hope. So if you are trying to get your boyfriend of many years back, there is always hope. Today we are going to talk about what to do with that hope. We have a reader who is wondering if, after 2 years, there is hope. Here’s Yadira’s story.

My ex boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago.  We were dating for 2 years and 4 months, before he broke up with me we would argue a lot.  It was mostly me. I was arguing because he wouldn’t care anymore not like he use to. idk why I argued most of the time but we always argued the weekend before he broke up with me we get in a huge fight and I thought we were fine. He seemed a little distance but he always told me that he will always find his way back. But on a Wednesday night he broke up with me out of nowhere I was so confused and lost. He promised me he was going to marry me he said I was the one that he loved me so much. I saw how much he loved me but he said he couldn’t do it anymore that he didn’t love me anymore. I begged I cried for about two months. I tried everything to win him back he kept telling me the same thing that he didn’t want me that he didn’t want a relationship. We would still kiss and he would sometimes act like he was my boyfriend cuddling with me and saying sweet things but the next day he would blow me off he confused me so much. I recently said goodbye to him I apologized for anything I did for everything j did to make him not want me. I’m so hopeless I’m letting go but I still have hope. I just don’t know what to do should I move on should I have hope ? Yadira

 Thank you for your letter, Yadira.  I think you know the answer to this, but let’s break this down. First, congratulations on handling everything maturely thus far. You have owned your part of the breakup, and for that reason you are to be congratulated. Some people go their whole lives and never figure out what went wrong, and blame the other person entirely. You have passed that stage of maturity. And in this world, that means you are one step closer in getting your boyfriend back.

So far you have done everything right. You don’t even need relationship advice. What you need is support and encouragement. And we have OODLES of that here.

So the first thing you need to do from here is find out what zone you are in with him. I can’t tell by reading your letter. He’s kissing you. So you aren’t in the Friend Zone. That right there is clue number one that you have OODLES of hope in this relationship.

But you don’t deserve to be Leftovers Girl. What I mean by that is, Leftovers Girl is the girl he keeps as “leftovers” when he can’t get a fresh, hot piece of the pie on another night. He comes to you. This is not fair. You are not a Yo-Yo.

You know this. You’ve done all the right things by telling him goodbye.  You’ve officially launched the No Contact Zone.

What you need to do now is stay on that course.  Do not call him, text him, email him, respond to him on Facebook, like one of his posts, anything.  Put all of those on Mute or Do Not Disturb for the next 30 days. For the next 30 days, you do you.

If he wanted to marry you once, there is something there. But he’s kind of taking advantage the fact that you have been together for so long, and you’ve given him so many chances.  So stop giving him chances, for now. For the next 30 days. I recommend you have a look at a reader that went through this over the holidays:  Relationship Advice When You Feel Hope is Lost. I think it could help you. You may also want to look at our article on what to do after the No Contact Period.

In the meantime, stay in the No Contact Zone. Live your life and be fabulous.  What happens after that is up to you. If you want to send him a casual, and breezy text or email, do so. Keep it short. Keep it simple. Send him an interesting article or video and ask him what he thinks. You’ve opened the door. See if he walks through it. You absolutely have hope. And I do too! I hope you let us know how this one turns out! Readers, what would you do in this situation?

Relationship Advice: How to Get Your Boyfriend Back After Being Blocked on Social Media

One of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships is comparing ourselves to others. This is natural, and called being human, so don’t beat yourself up about it if you are saying, “Uh oh, that’s me” to that. That’s all of us. How many times have you left a wedding or a 50th anniversary feeling completely dejected? Been there! That’s all of us. But doing this is so counter-intuitive to actually having a successful relationship. We are in a different era than many people whose relationships have stood that test of time. Those heroes at the fiftieth anniversary never had to deal with being blocked by someone on social media, nor will they. So comparing yourselves to them is counter-intuitive. It makes you feel worse, and also, it doesn’t actually help you to have a better relationship. So, try and kick yourself in the foot the next time your mind wanders at the next big celebration of love you have to attend.

Today we are going to look at a relationship, and see if we can learn how to get your boyfriend back after being blocked on Facebook. I know what many of you are thinking, “Why bother?” That’s a great question, and one I would ask myself. But this reader has an interesting situation. Yes, her boyfriend blocked her on Facebook. But, wait for it, he wants to find out how to see HER Facebook after he blocked her. Yep, he’s one of those special ones, ladies. We have a reader with this problem, so let’s have a look.

So I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. And one time I was being distant because idk I just usually thought why contact him when he can contact me he told me why was I being distant then I send him a message saying because you always rather be with your friends and he never responded to my message. but honestly it makes me question our relationship because it’s been already two months that he has me blocked in social media (fb) yet we see each other at certain times. He works out of town and I will call him but he won’t answer yet when he’s back he messages me saying I’m back home. And then I asked him why did you even block me on FB and he just responded because you’re nosy AF and I was like oh okay cool yet he said let me see your Facebook profile when I was with him? So I responded hell no, you can unblock me if u want to see me and he didn’t say anything.

What you are dealing with here, dear Reader, is “Mixed Signals Guy.” I’ve already talked him. But every Mixed Signals Guy is different. This guy is clearly all about him, and not about you. This is not a healthy relationship, and it is clearly not a balanced relationship. You know this, and this is why you wrote me. Believe me when I say we get questions about social media ALL the time. So know you are not alone. Women that have been with the same guy for 50 years do not have this problem. So don’t compare yourselves to them. Here’s what to do in this situation, and it’s much easier than you think.

What to do with Mixed Signals Guy

Put him in the No Contact Zone. This guy is seriously playing with your heart. He doesn’t know what he wants! I don’t know if he doesn’t know if he’s playing with your heart, or if he doesn’t care. But I also don’t know which of those things is worse, either. You want a guy that can’t wait to show you off on social media. You don’t want a guy that blocks you, and then creeps you!

You already have evidence that he responds well to the No Contact Zone. He gets antsy when he can’t see your Facebook profile. Well, if he hadn’t blocked you he wouldn’t have that problem, right? Right. Choices have consequences and bad choices have bad consequences. Period. He chose to miss seeing your Facebook page the second he blocked you. Clearly you already know this. And let me congratulate you on doing all of the right things so far.

But he is trying to spin this as your fault. “I blocked you because you were annoying me.” That’s called gaslighting, sweetheart. He’s trying to make YOU think that it’s YOUR fault that HE CHOSE to block you, THEN creep your own profile. It’s not your fault. It’s his! Bad choices have bad consequences, for him.

I do not know this guy from Adam, but I have a very strong suspicion that he blocked you from his Facebook because there’s something there he doesn’t want you to see. He thinks he can do whatever he wants, because technically you aren’t “committed.” He wants to come and go as he pleases, call and not call as he pleases, and expects you to be ready there with your Facebook profile the second he chooses.

Nuh uh! No self-respecting woman would ever allow this. UNLESS, that woman is looking for exactly the same thing. If you want a guy that comes and goes as you do, then by all means, put up with this. Women that are confident and clear in these intentions are very progressive women. But that’s not what you want. It doesn’t mean you aren’t progressive though. When you stand in your truth and confidence, you send him the message that you don’t need these games.

There’s nothing wrong with looking for a commitment and not settling for less. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting a commitment and just doing the casual thing. But there IS something wrong if you want one thing, and Mr. Blocker is not giving it, and is still expecting you to stick around.

Follow Your Instincts

Follow those instincts on giving the distance to this guy. You have done everything right. You already have evidence that this works on this particular prize. So take it to the next level, and do it for 30 days straight, hard core, cold turkey, just be done with him in a snap for the next 30 days. I really have a feeling he is going to go bonkers. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and he hasn’t quite accepted the fact that you are not offering this system. That’s on him. Completely on him. Those are his consequences to deal with.

But when it comes to you? Your choices have consequences too. Are you going to choose to continue accepting this behavior? I have a feeling that you aren’t. You are a progressive woman that wants some relationship advice to figure out how to deal with this man child friend of yours. Here’s a text you can send him right now.

“Hey, Boo, just wanted to say thanks for everything. I think I’m just going to leave my Facebook the way it is for now. I’ve got a lot on my plate and a lot of great things going on right now. You were right, the distraction is just too much stress. It’s been great though, just too bad that we didn’t want the same things. I think you’re great but maybe next time? If you ever find yourself on my page, give me a shout. Thanks for everything! Best!”

Boom. That will get his wheels spinning. I wouldn’t be surprised if he texted back within seconds. He’ll want to know what fun you are having. If you see him in public, smile and be courteous, polite, like you would to a passing neighbor or stranger. Don’t give him too much information. Just give him something to think about for 30 days and let us know how it goes. Readers, what do you think? How have you responded to Mixed Signals Guy?

 

Dating Advice For The Soul Mate That Has Had Enough

Ever been in one of those relationships where it just felt like you were bouncing back and forth with each other, and your feelings? Of course you have. One of the reasons so many couples have a yo-yo relationship, for years, is the soul mate factor. I am no expert on soul mates but one thing I do know about love and relationships is that if you are having the same yo-yo effect in your relationship for years, there’s a high love potential there. This could even be soulmate level. Most relationships do not go on and on like this for years, unless there is SOMEthing keeping that string going on the yo-yo. We get questions from readers about this yo-yo experience all the time. The biggest relationship advice question they have is, “We broke up and what do I do now??”

Today we are going to look at just such a scenario. We have a couple who by all counts, over the course of three years, have told each other they are each other’s soul mate. They’ve broken up multiple times, and each time they find themselves kissing each other eventually. Our reader, Amy, has noted her problems in the relationships, and has owned her part.

That’s a standing ovation from me for that! Some people go their entire lives never figuring this out, that they need to own their part. So Amy has been doing her work on her since the last breakup. Now she wants to know what to do. Let’s have a look at this story.

Its been almost 2 weeks since my ex bf split with me. We were a bit hungover on a Sunday afternoon and I started to nag and annoy him which made him flip out dramatically and him scream “I can’t do this anymore” and leave the house. I fb messaged him the next day to say he was a coward to leave me like that no real explanation and he just confirmed again saying, I just can’t do it with you anymore. I told him he was nothing to me and since then I haven’t spoken to him since.  I’m trying to give him space and using the no contact rule. But I feel like I haven’t a clue what is happening, especially in his head.  A bit about us – We have been together for almost 3 years now, we are best friends we do everything together, and that’s because we both want to…He loves the bones off me, he’s the sweetest guy does anything and everything for me emotionally and physically. He is my soul mate the only person who gets me and I get him and he says this to me 24/7. However, the last half year or so I’ve been insecure about my weight, that I have gained, I’ve had no job, he has been paying for everything helping me. I suppose I’ve got a bit lazy with myself and everything and then of course the nagging.

Last 6 months or so he has broken up with me a few times over WhatsApp/text saying we need to go our separate ways he cant do it blablabla, finding an excuse, leaving me in tears and upset. Straight away I have told him not to and said sorry things will change blablabla. Of course, he comes over and sees me and him being the beautiful soul he is hugs me and stays and we carry on the relationship just like that. But nothing changes, I don’t change. But now I am. I am working on myself, eating healthily, exercising, I’ve lost several pounds already. I’m not drinking. I really can see now what I have done wrong and how I let the fun get sucked out of the relationship because when we are happy my god, we are happy!

What do I do? I want to fix this so bad! Apart from my nagging and moaning, everything was perfect! I am on my tenth day of contact but I think I need to apologise and let him know how I feel. He could just be thinking I am angry and don’t wanna speak to him? What do I do?

 Let’s address the first question: What is he thinking?

 The answer to that is, if he’s not telling you, it’s none of your business. The other answer to that is, you don’t need to know what he is thinking to fix this.  How your relationship functions is not a function of ONLY what he is thinking. You’ve taken some steps already, Amy, that show that you know this. You know you own your part in the split. I can’t congratulate you enough for that.

Never change your weight for a guy, period. But if you know that some nagging issues have led to this demise or breakup, then you know how to fix at least your role in this breakup. If you want to get your boyfriend back, the next step is the No Contact Rule.  You say, “I am trying to follow the No Contact Rule but it’s hard because I don’t know what’s in his head.”

Again, you don’t need to for the No Contact Rule to be successful. You will learn what he is thinking by activating the No Contact Zone immediately. But you have to stay true to it. You can’t just say you aren’t going to contact him, and then give up on your Self because he texted you. The No Contact Period is for YOU to clear your head and get your stuff together. You’ve already started this. But you can’t clear your head when you are answering his messages.

He’s already told you that you are his soul mate.  Those are some serious words! You have the advantage of having true love and experience on your side.  So you can’t make him miss you by being in his face all the time. And that’s what you really want at this stage of the game.

Let’s look at your second question: What do I do now??

 You’ve answered your own question. You know you need the No Contact Period, but you just have to get committed to it.  I talk a lot about How to Stay True to the No Contact Rule. Refresh your memory on that, and make the choice to be committed to it. You want to get your boyfriend back, right? So be as committed to the process, no matter how hard it is, as you are to him.  It is for the benefit of your relationship if he sees what it’s like to go 30 days without hearing back from you.

My guess is that it’s going to be very difficult for him to do this. And through that, you will make him miss you.

Once that 30 days is up, touch base with him about something super minor and breezy. Or just say hi. Make sure you let him know that you’ve been doing a lot of work on you in your quiet time. He will really admire you for that! After he responds, I am confident you can take it from there. Let us know how this goes, we are all rooting for you! Readers, what do you think Amy should do? Have you had a similar soul mate experience?

 

 

Dating Advice: What To Do AFTER the No Contact Period Makes Him Miss You

One of the hardest things about relationships is missing someone.  And, as you know, one of the most common pieces of dating advice or relationship advice that I have is, activate a No Contact Rule.  Why? Because it works. If there is only one tool that can make him miss you, it’s making him miss you. And the only way you can do that is through No Contact. That means zero. Zilch. None. Period. No matter how much he texts you or Facebook messages you or calls and leaves the pleading voicemails.

If he’s doing that, you have proof that you are winning in the “make him miss you” stage.  If he’s not contacting you, but you do have a history, he’s still thinking about you. That’s why the No Contact component of the Make Him Miss You mission is SO successful.  When you aren’t easy to get to, he wonders.  It’s human nature!

But that 30 day period of No Contact is really hard. I get it. While you are making him miss you, you are missing him. Dreadfully.  But what next? We have a reader who is doing very well with the No Contact rule, and just needs to know what to do when that is complete. We get this question all the time. So today I want you to see what happens when the No Contact Rule actually works. We have one reader who is about halfway through the process of the No Contact and the “Make Him Miss You” stage. The only relationship advice she needs at this point is, what next. So let’s have a look and see if we can help her out.

 I was dating a guy for a couple months. But the couple months were fast and intense. We went away for a weekend together by our fourth date. We had so much fun together, even the bartenders would come over and say they just enjoyed watching us together and listening to our conversations. It seemed like we had a real connection.  but things were early, we were both open about the fact that we were not exclusive (we were both dating another person). But it seemed like we were spending more time together and he told me he had a better connection with me. He took me to concerts, out on the town, and offered to take me to a patriots game. 3 days before the game, he texted me and told me he was so sorry but his dad was coming into town unexpectedly (from GA to MA) and he was going to have to take him instead. I was pissed but didn’t lash out. Just told him no, he couldn’t make it up to me. Good luck and have a nice life basically. I was pissed because as a nurse that works every other weekend, had to make a bunch of switches to go to the game and he knew that. I also assumed he would try to win me back instead of accepting the boot.

Then on Facebook (relationship killer, i know)  I saw that his dad tagged both the guy and another girl in thanking them for a great weekend. When I asked who the girl was, he explained it was the other girl he was seeing and no, he did not take her to the game in my place, he had taken her to the Red Sox and she met his dad with him for a few drinks. I unleashed. Totally went nuts and it went back and forth between, he didn’t want to see me, yes he did, I didn’t want to see him, yes I did. The convo ended with him buying tickets to a concert for us. Being embarrassed about how crazy I went, I ended up cancelling on the concert. I assume he took the other girl instead.

2 days of no contact, i sent him an apology text about how crazy I went and how sorry I am, and that I was just so stressed from court (with my ex) and I would hope he’d be up for getting a beer with me later in the week. I also said, I hope to hear back from you, but if not, good luck with everything and that I genuinely meant that. I didn’t hear back from him. That was now 6 days ago.

I deleted him from my Facebook and unfollowed him on Instagram because I didn’t want anything else popping up on my newsfeed. He still follows me on Instagram and snapchat so I’ve tried to keep my posts to a minimum.   I will continue the no contact rule, because 1- it’s the only way I’m going to make him miss me and 2- he may not want to hear from me anyway. but I feel like I need someone to tell me exactly how it is. Do I text him in a month to say hi? Or do I just leave it and lose one of the greatest connections I felt I’ve ever had?  Sincerely, Kristine

 Let’s all stop and give Kristine a big round of applause for making it this far in the No Contact Period. We know he still has feelings or he wouldn’t still be following you on social media. So there’s something here to work with. The next few weeks are the hardest, because you want to text him or call so badly, but are still in that zone.

What you’ve done right so far….

Don’t succumb to folding the No Contact Zone.  Kristine is being smart here about what she is posting on social media, so she doesn’t send any wrong or mixed messages to someone that she cares about very deeply.  She has owned her part in the relationship, and the relationship demise. She has apologized, and tried to move past it.

When it comes to fixing past mistakes, that’s all you can do. What he does with it from this point forward is on him, not you. So you’ve done everything, and by that I mean everything, right so far. You’ve been very clear in your intentions, as has he, and you two clearly know how to communicate to each other. It’s okay to get upset with him sometimes. That’s called being human. But you’ve both demonstrated your ability to be clear and real with each other. That’s a huge relationship accomplishment in itself! Thank you for serving as a good example to all women seeking dating or relationship advice in similar situations.

So that’s what you’ve done right. I am not going to take a leap and say you have done anything wrong, either. You have done everything right. So let’s have a look at your next question.

What do I do after the No Contact Zone?

The one thing to do after the No Contact period is up is to touch base. Once you are past the 30 day mark, you are out of the zone. You can feel free to contact him. Follow your heart here. I can give you a sample text to use, but I think you’ve got this one covered. Invite him for a drink if you are feeling bold and that is what your heart is telling you to do. Or just send a text that just says, “Hey, remember me? Been thinking about you and wondering how you’ve been.”

If you are feeling even more bold than that, bring up the commitment issue. What have you got to lose? Well, if he doesn’t want the same thing, you might lose him. For now. But after a month of you making him miss you, things may be different for him now. And if he doesn’t want the same thing, now you know you don’t need to waste more time on him. Thank him for the learning experience of an awesome connection, and move on to find the guy that will give you an even better one, a committed one.

But I have a hunch that this guy may surprise you. Check out our instructions on How to Get Your Ex Back AFTER the No Contact Period. See? Your question is more common and relatable than you think. Let us know what you decide to do, and how it goes for you! Readers, do you have anything to add to this relationship advice?

 

How to Get Your Ex Back….When You Feel That Hope is Lost.

I know how difficult the holidays can be when you are missing someone like crazy. Been there. I also know that it is next to impossible to miss someone to the point of heartache during the holidays and be the only person feeling that. Always remember ladies that if you are missing someone like crazy, the chances are all better than not that they are feeling the same way, ESPECIALLY during the holidays. It’s just the way the laws of attraction and love work. The holidays are that one time of year when you remember traditions, people, and everything that is really important to you in life. So it can be a tough time, but you are not alone. This I know.

I get a lot of letters from women that feel this missing period is never going to end. They write in feeling like hope is lost, and asking for anything that can help them stop feeling this way, and feel better. I wouldn’t be here trying to help you with relationship advice and make him miss you if I thought hope was lost for any of you. I firmly believe that love is never lost, it is only ever replaced, but it can always find its way back again.

But I also know how normal it is to feel in that place where it truly does feel like there is no hope, that place where you almost consider moving on. It really stinks! But the truth is, moving on, in your own unique way, is what is absolutely necessary for that love to find its way back to you again. That’s why the No Contact Zone is so important.

The universe has given you a wake up call, angels closing doors as my grandmother would say. Something’s not working and it’s time for a time out. So take it!

It’s the best thing you can do for yourself. And your relationship. You deserve healing time and focusing on the wound is not going to help your case. At all. Ever. No man ever wants to keep hearing about how sorry you are and how you just want to explain to him one last time.

Even if you are the daughter of Mother Theresa and look like Jennifer Aniston, no man is ever going to take you back under those circumstances because the only purpose that serves is constant reminder of the pain. That he caused. He doesn’t want that reminder, he wants to remember you as a sweet girlfriend where things just didn’t work out and it was nobody’s fault.

Trust me, it sucks for him too. But you may be too busy sitting in your own pain and grief to have the fortitude to take the role of the other and just see his side for just a second. It’s hard, I know, I’ve been there. He may be a “man”, but despite the fact that he shows his feelings differently than you do, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them. You just don’t see them the same way you see yours, or your girlfriends. So that’s when you have to watch his reactions to you, especially those after the breakup, and mirror them. That is what you need to do to begin getting back into that sync with him.

When you are trying to get your boyfriend back, the first thing you want to do is whatever you can to fix the situation. But a nasty moment or conversation is probably the reason he broke up with you, so why would you remind him of that as much as you possibly can? What will the end result be?

Driving him away.

But when you make the choice to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find YOU again, you pull away from him just enough to get him to start noticing you are gone. That he isn’t the center of your world anymore. And that you are an awesome amazing person doing all of these awesome amazing things, without him. That’s when he starts to remember what an awesome amazing girlfriend you were too, and those seeds of attraction begin to kernel again.

If there is a true love there and the two of you were meant to be together, the love is never lost. It will always find its way back again. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve seen the prescription roll out for itself, and it’s even happened to me as well. Hope is never lost.

We have a reader who needs some encouragement in this area. Here’s what she has to say:

Hi Michelle,

This is going to be a long one, I hope you can bear with me as I’m in dire need of some good advice from someone who knows a thing or two about relationships, so far, the advice from my friends and relatives isn’t giving me a clear head to look towards the future.

I was with my boyfriend for two years, he was amazing to me in every way, we planned a future together and really loved each other, but there were some problems that kept us from going that extra step, from realizing out full potential as a couple. A little background, we are both 27 years old, we’ve known each other since we were in junior high, we dated when we were 12(junior high sweet hearts), we dated briefly when we were 18 again, and then reconnected when we were both 25 and had a better go at it that time around.

When we initially started dating I had recently gotten out of a 5 year relationship that left me with a lot of bitterness and sadness, I was just starting to pick myself up again when HE, the man I always wondered about came back in my life. It was amazing really, like all starts of a relationship I was filled with hope for the future and he seemed to be very serious about reconnecting and having a relationship with me, my only concern with him was his previous behaviour, having known him since we were 12 years old and dating him a couple times when we were younger, I know a lot about him to say he is unlike any guy I’ve met in a sense that he has a very unique way of handling relationships.

I knew that relationships are hard work, sometimes people fight, sometimes it’s harder to keep it together but when two people know what they want and love each other it can work. But this guy, this guy is different, he’s always gone through phases in his life when if he’s unhappy with his personal life he will neglect his relationship, or if things start to get too hard in a relationship or things aren’t going the way he hoped he will check out and emotionally shut down, i’ve experienced this first hand with him before, but I thought since time passed by and we were older and wiser, that it would be worth a shot with him. Having my own issues about my past relationship also did not make it any better, needless to say I took a chance and decided to try it out. It was great, everything I hoped for and more, but after things started going towards the end of the honey moon phase like all relationships and the arguments started, my own unresolved issues from past relationships came up, his own issues came up, and as soon as we knew it we were fighting over petty things. I broke up with him a couple of times, and he did the same, not really meaning it, but just to prove a point, so we would get back together after a couple of days and things would be good again, until something else came up. This was our cycle, and no matter what, we always fell into the same circle of arguments.

It reached a breaking point when he called me and told me it was over, at first I didn’t believe it, but when it finally sunk it all of the damage I had done to our relationship hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I had sabotaged the relationship by letting my unresolved issues from my past relationship keep me in a bitter state. I realized I wasn’t the same person he had fallen in love with. I regret my behaviour, and this time I have been given a new perspective into what it really means to make a relationship work.

When he broke up with me he told me several things that didn’t give me much hope.
1. Things have changed for him
2. He has been unhappy for a while and doesn’t want to force anything
3. Things don’t flow with us, our personalities don’t mix
4. He would like to be friends but he needs time
5. I didn’t make him feel good about himself
6. He thinks two years is enough time to try
7. He’s not in love with me anymore
8. I’m a great girl, but it’s not working

I asked him if he knew it could work between us if he would be with me,and he said of course he would, this is why I don’t understand why he would say he isn’t in love anymore.

After the break up I blamed everything on myself, I texted him pages and pages of apologies and of things I wouldve done differently. I did this for about two days. I left him alone for another two days then texted him again, but this time as if things were normal, friendly, and just asked him about his day, he replied we exchanged a couple of texts then I left him alone for another couple of days. I began to panic and then resumed to texting him my apologies and my regret for another two days after that. I sent another text a couple of days later telling him that I was going to leave him alone and respect his decision because he had told me that when I text him it makes things harder on him as well. After a few days I couldn’t stop thinking of why he hadn’t given me the benefit of seeing him in person so I texted him just to ask him if he would be willing to meet up with me to discuss some things, he replied saying “we’ll see, but please respect my decision.” After that we texted again, in a friendly manner after i initiated the conversation just asking about trivial things…he replied to my messages about every 40 minutes and we exchanged a few texts. After this I have cut down on the times I’ve texted but still messaged him about once a week to see if he’s free to meet up, every time he will only reply with what he’s doing that week and that he’s busy. He hasn’t told me to move on, he hasn’t flat out told me leave him alone…I decided I will try no contact for good this time for at least a month. I’m getting frustrated thta he hasn’t even been able to give me a face to face to tell him so much of what I wanted to tell him. It’s been 6 weeks since the break up and I think after 2 years it’s the least I deserve. I‘m contemplating writing him a letter because there is so much I need to explain to him about what went wrong and how I see thins now. It hurts so much not being able to tell him or see him….I’m stuck in limbo and hoping the NC will still work and I haven’t done too much damage.

Once again I’ve highlighted what I think are the most important sections of the letter, the ones that speak volumes about what should happen next. Dear Reader, put down the cell phone immediately. Put it in the freezer if you have to. Do not send one more text.

You are doing exactly what I just mentioned above is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. You are reminding him of the pain over and over again to get your own ease of guilt from this situation, and you aren’t making him miss you at all. In fact, he’s even out right told you that hearing from you is painful, and yet you keep doing it.

What does that do? It sends the message to him that what he needs isn’t as important as what you need. I know that sucks to hear, but we’ve all done it, so don’t feel like I’m singling you out. If this wasn’t a problem global to the female human race I wouldn’t even print the letter. I would go find a letter that was. We have ALL been the Operations Commander of the text wars, no question about it. But as you know, that is not getting him closer to you, so why would you even consider that? Or better yet, a letter that is carefully written that will be written proof to him for years to come of all of the mistakes that you made in the relationship?

Don’t do it. He gets it. He is not blameless here. If you are taking ownership of all of your stuff, then he is sitting there trying to find a way not to have to take ownership of his stuff too. And that place is not the one that is going to have him crawling back to you. You need to make him miss you to achieve that goal. But as I have said it time and time again, he can’t miss you if he keeps hearing from you.

But you, definitely are not in the hope is lost category. You gave me about 15 different reasons for that in your own letter. You haven’t been dating him for 2 years either by the way. By my calculations it looks closer to 15. Okay give or take some breaks and some coming back togethers, three times already, but this has been going on for 15 years. That is some solid history.

But, getting him back is not going to be helped by reminding him about pain. Reminding him about the good history you have will help, you just can’t do it right away. You NEED to take at LEAST a 30 day No Contact Period, my recommendation is 60 though. Or maybe squeeze it out 45. Can we do No Contact until Valentine’s Day? Then surprise him with something sweet and flirty on Valentine’s Day and take it from there?

I think if you can spend some time on you for a while, do the things you like to do when you are single, and the time will fly. It will be a fun thing to look forward to, and it will definitely make him start to wonder what you’ve been up to. Then he will hear from you after a while, see this sweet, sexy Valentiney thing in his email one day, and he will begin to remember the awesome. Trust me. This is precisely how I landed the sweet gem I am with right now. But it’s not even been close to 15 years for us, so you have a serious advantage here.

Also remember, the two of you together have created the history that you CAN get back together. You already have proven, at least twice by my count, that you keep coming back to each other. There’s a reason for that. And yes you should explore it. But, it’s been 15 years. 45 days of salon time and yoga classes and shopping for a new wardrobe to pick you up isn’t going to suck, is it?

You definitely should not feel like hope is lost. You can get your ex boyfriend back, if you make him miss you. Put down the phone, do not send a letter, do nothing until some serious time has passed. It won’t be easy. Keep writing in and we will help support you through this.

I’ve got a good feeling about this okay, so please do keep us posted! Readers! Did I miss anything? Drop your comments in the box below and let’s help our friend get through this tough time. Always remember dear Readers, no matter how sad things may seem right now, everything is only for a season. Hope your holiday season is beautiful, and bright! Until next year friends : )

How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back When You Are Dealing With Mixed Signals Guy

There are enough issues on the road to life, love, and happiness, that even when you are presented with the black and white of it, it can still be pretty confusing. But when you are given the grey matter in your daily matters, life can seem nothing short of chaotic. Unfortunately, when it comes to matters of the heart, very few things come to us in black and white. Wouldn’t it be absolutely wonderful if we were given black and white roadmap when dealing with our love affairs? If he says this, he means this. If he does this, he meant that. Of course it would, but we, as humans, don’t really work that way. Although this could be a big complaint in the world of romance, if we did work that way, life would be really, really boring. At the same time however, human behavior as grey as it can be sometimes, can be pretty predictable as well. That’s why many of the methods I discuss for those wanting to know relationship advice for mixed signals guy really work. Because of that predictable nature of human relationship.

Today I am going to address a reader’s concern on how to deal with things when things don’t seem so predictable. Many of you write in talking about the same guy. No, I’m not saying you are all dating the same man. But many of you are all dating the same type of guy. You know the guy. If you haven’t dated him yet, you may well before you find The One. His name? Mixed Signals Guy. Nothing aggravates me more than when I am dating a guy that says one thing, and does another, and that’s exactly the trademark of Mixed Signals Guy. We have a reader dealing with one, and let’s look at her problem and get to the brass tax of it. Here’s what she says:

I was dating my boyfriend for 6 months and we literally had the time of our lives together. We always made each other happy and he was very respectful and I loved it! Then I had surgery done and he disappeared after that and never spoke to me till 3 months later. When he spoke to me yea I was bitchy because he made a douchebag move but he let everything out. At this moment we are friends and it’s been 7 months since we last dated. We’ve tried to talk(date) again but it didn’t work out as how we wanted it to. He ended up becoming really busy with work and just said that he’s too busy for a girl right now. Alright, that’s fine. He also said he doesn’t want each other to try forcing to make this relationship work and in the future whatever happens,happens. And I completely agreed with him.

I see him twice a week at the same spot and he always talks to me like how he would when we were dating and he always touches me like my leg and biting me an stuff just to mess around. He walked me out to my car yesterday and we ended up hooking up (just making out) and I didn’t want to and I wanted to stop so badly and tell him this isn’t what we should be doing we both agreed not to do this. It was just very awkward. So I texted him later and was like what was that and he said Idk. And I was just texting him like you can’t keep doing this and he’s like I like you but I don’t want a relationship. Okkkkkkk so if u like me and don’t want a relationship why would you do that. He said he cares but sometimes his actions take over. Alright sooooooo what do I do. We still have light feelings for each other and I don’t want to let him go. Hes a great guy.

What do you think, ladies? This one at first glance is actually a bit of a no brainer. I know the reader in question doesn’t necessarily agree, because she’s in the middle of it. We’ve all been in that middle, trying to figure out why he’s saying one thing and doing another. But the truth is, he’s actually being a lot clearer than our dear reader wants to admit.

We’ve all been there.

But when it comes to relationship advice for women that are dealing with Mixed Signals Guy, my advice is always, agree with him, thank him, and move on your merry way. See, this is where that handy little tip of, you teach people how to treat you goes a very long way. Right now our reader is teaching him that it’s okay to keep walking all over her like this, when the truth is, it isn’t. How do we know this? Because she has accepted the yo-yoing back and forth and not given him the boundaries she needs to feel secure in this relationship.

I’m going to translate some of his mixed signals for you.

“I like you, but I don’t want a relationship.”

What he’s saying is, I like you, and I don’t really have anyone else that I like more in my life right now, so I want whatever I can get from you right now….without a commitment.

“I care, I definitely do, but sometimes my actions take over and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Dear reader, is he 4? Because 4 year olds don’t have the developed neocortexes that adults have, and they do act impulsively and honestly can’t help it. If you are dating a 4 year old, stop. If you aren’t, tell him to grow up. He is a grown man with a mind of his own and absolutely can stop what he is doing if he knows it is going to hurt you. Which he does know, or he wouldn’t be giving you these lame excuses.

You say, “We still have light feelings for each other and I don’t want to let him go.”

Here is my translation of your statement, dearest reader. “I really like him, and don’t really know where he stands with me, and I am afraid that if I don’t let him go and pursue other options that I won’t find any other options and I will have let go the one guy that at least liked me a little.”

Ring true for you? We’ve all said that, felt that, experienced that. But the truth of the matter is, when you translate your own fears, you see the cold hard truth. You are settling with this guy.

The truth is, you deserve a guy that is screaming from the mountains, I’m crazy about her! I can’t get enough of her!! I want to be with her and only her!

What you DON’T deserve, is being fully invested in something when the guy is responding with, “I love making out with her! I love hooking up with her! I am crazy about the fact that I finally met someone who is letting me have my cake and eat it too!”

You also mention that he’s a great guy. While I don’t know him personally, I am going to disagree with you on this one based on the information you have provided. Great guys do not leave their girlfriends hanging for three months after they had surgery. If he did that to you once, he will do that to you again. Do you really want to wait for that to happen when you are engaged or married?

Does this situation make more sense to you?

The next time he slips up and tries to lose control of his actions, nip him in the bud. If you truly want to get your boyfriend back and in a loving and much more committed way, you need to show him and explain to him that the only way to do that is to make you his own.

The next time this happens, and you are texting him telling him this is unfair, wait for his response. It will look exactly like the first one. “I am happy with no commitment, and if you want to keep making out with me, you have to be happy with that too.”

Your response needs to sound like, “Okay great, thanks for spelling things out for me. Been great hanging with you but truthfully, I’m looking for something more. I do think you’re great, a great kisser even, but I need more. I know you care about me and want me to be happy, so I am going to go look for my happy. Let me know if a relationship is ever something you’re into, and if I’m free, I will let you know. You know how it is, in the future, whatever happens, happens, right? Until then, best of luck.”

I guarantee you his eyes will pop open very wide as soon as he sees that message.

What do you think dear readers? Did I miss something? This is one of those situations where you need to remember that YOU, not HE, is in control of your relationship and romantic affairs. So take your power back, and teach him how to treat you. Good luck, and please do keep us posted!!

Relationship Advice When Your Man Has PTSD

Well, let’s hit another tough topic today shall we? As I’ve said, all of them are tough. But this particular issue is hitting America in volumes that are less than comfortable. Today’s topic? How to get him back when your man has PTSD. This topic is sort of a partner to a previous topic, how to get back together with someone that has a mental health diagnosis. I mentioned in that column just how common that is. When it comes to PTSD, it’s even more common.

How common is PTSD?

Before I started answering this question today, I took a little journey over to the National Institute of Mental Health to see just how common this problem is. It is a problem that as you read this right now, PTSD is affecting 7.7 million Americans.

That’s a LOT. The greatest comfort you can take from this is that, whoever you know that is struggling with this is not alone. But when you consider suicide to be one of the “side effects” of PTSD, it’s not a comforting number at all. This important fact about PTSD is why I’ve chosen to cover mental health again for all of you, because I know if it is affecting one reader, it is affecting many.

One of our readers is in love with a man who has PTSD. Before I get to her question, let me tell you something about this disorder, and about any mental health disorder really. When someone is struggling psychologically, they are very difficult to understand. They seem illogical at times, irrational at others, and just plain psychotic when they are at their very worst.

So easy to write these guys off and say, “Good luck with that!”

But for some, not so easy. When you are carrying their child or have a ring on your finger and made promises to them, there is nothing easy at all about it.

You can and you will spend hours and days and months crying about this, and wondering what you can do to help them get their heads straight. The cold hard truth is that YOU alone can not do anything. You can do SOME things, but you alone will not be able to heal them. Without you, their journey of healing may be tougher, there is no question about that. But what happened to them is NOT your fault, and is a problem that is bigger than you are able to handle.

The other thing you need to realize when you are going in and about your every day with them is that….they process things differently than you do. For example, they may freak out or melt down when they hear thunder booming, or fireworks across the street, or any little thing that is their own unique PTSD trigger. This kind of thing could destroy their day. What are they going to do? Take it out on you.

But he’s not going to say, “I am freaking out because that noise reminded me of a roadside bomb that killed my best friend.”

Instead, he’s going to freak out and have a meltdown, and when you walk into the room it will sound like, “Why aren’t the freaking dishes done already? Where the hell is my dinner? What the hell have you been doing all day?? For god’s sake woman can’t you do anything right? I go out to fight for this country and you have done absolutely NOTHING to show any respect! What were you doing all that time I was gone anyway?? Who were you with? I sacrificed so much and THIS is how you thank me??”

It doesn’t make sense to you right? You are left feeling hurt and responsible, and it doesn’t even occur to you that he’s not processing things properly and that this isn’t your fault. He’s not processing things in the same way that someone who didn’t have to make all of those sacrifices would be.

That’s because he’s not that other person, and he’s sick. And he needs help. Help that you alone can not provide.

Does that mean your relationship is doomed?

No. It just means that you need to be redirected towards the tools that will help repair it. Think of it this way. If you bought a car that you fell in love with, but it made a squeal every time you hit a speed bump, what would you do?

Would you give it away and get a new car because you couldn’t understand this problem?

Of course you wouldn’t. And you wouldn’t do that with the love of your life either. Instead, you would take him somewhere to get help, find out what is really causing the squeal, and hang in there with him until the squeal stops showing up, or shows up less and less and less.

Let’s go to our reader’s question today. Her biggest question is how to get him back, or even if she can get him back, after he’s been diagnosed with PTSD. I’m going to call her “Faith”.

Here’s what Faith wrote in, once again I’ve highlighted key points to take away.

My current ex and I were in and off for a year. He’s an army veteran and he has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He is also very skeptical of anything remotely good and pleasant in his life, but overall, he was a great, sweet boyfriend… The day I told him I told him I’m pregnant, he said that he wants a paternity test when the baby is born which was a slap in the face to me. I’ve always been what you would call “sexually shy” and I despise the idea of “flings” and he knew that practically since day one and yet he dumped me a couple of days later for “cheating” on him.

His “evidence” was a sincere letter I had written to a friend he and I shared that passed away. That friend happened to be a guy by the way. The whole break up was a total nightmare and I could never repeat the things he said to me. Long story, short, he blamed me for the relationship falling apart. He said that he’ll stick around to be the father, but I’m seven months along and he won’t bother to come visit at all. He got a new girlfriend a week or two after the breakup. I told him that I need to meet her if she’s going to be around the baby and he refuses.

I know him well enough that he doesn’t like the fact that I’m pregnant so he made up a different excuse to be mad about and he’s just with this girl till I deliver the baby and he gets his paternity test. He says that he doesn’t want to be involved with me, only the baby, but he has repeatedly tried to convince me to “get my rocks off” and the last time I did see him, he was all cuddly (that was about two months ago). I know he still gives a damn, but he thinks he can hide it. Recently, he did text me and ask me how I was doing and what I was up to, which was odd to me.. At the most, I talk to him once, maybe twice a week.Any tips to help get his head straight?

This is one of those questions that offers more hope than others, even if it doesn’t feel that way to you right now, Faith. You’ve said a lot of great things about this guy, even though you are clearly frustrated. “Overall, great sweet boyfriend.” You’ve mentioned that he still checks in on you, that he’s cuddly, and that he’s even passed on a few innuendos on occasion. As far as I’m concerned, all green lights for this relationship.

If you want my gut instinct hunch that I received when I was reading your letter, Faith, as soon as that paternity test comes back as his baby, you won’t need to write me letters any more because you will be happy and in your mommy bliss…with the man that you love. Of course, I hope you do come back and continue to help our readers with your experiences, but you won’t have a broken relationship anymore. I may be wrong, but about these kinds of things, I seldom am.

Why do I say this? Because there’s nothing bad about this guy. You said so yourself. He has some jealousy and insecurity issues obviously. Any man that would ask you to get a paternity test without probable cause is jealous and insecure. But you have to remember, he processes things differently.

It is very difficult for him to see anything good in his life right now, because he is an Army Veteran and has seen the worst of the worst in terms of the sanctity of human existence. Once someone is traumatized by something they have experienced or witnessed, it takes years for them to overcome that one image or that one experience and believe that there IS good in the world. He will realize that however, with the right help, and the right slow and steady journey from you, see the good in the world. And, since there’s a new baby on the way, miracles will become more believable to him sooner than you might think. You can’t ever stop remembering that the way he processes things right now has nothing to do with YOU, and everything to do with what happened to him AFTER he took that long flight to who knows where into the middle of war not that long ago. How can you remind yourself of this?

Put yourself in his shoes.

On top of the trauma and destruction and havoc that war wreaks on someone’s brain wires, think about this. If you went away for 18 months and had to leave him for that long, wouldn’t you have some of your own insecurities about how he passed his time as well? What if you ran across a letter that he wrote to some other woman while you were gone? You would question him, no matter how much you love him, wouldn’t you?

The answer is yes, because we ALL would. That’s normal. Outside of his PTSD, there is nothing abnormal or wrong with this guy. The girl he is with now? You said so yourself. He’s just with her to pass the time until he sees the black and white DNA results.

If he’s texting you, he’s thinking about you.

You also said he is still texting you. If he was in love with her, whether you were carrying his baby or not, he wouldn’t be doing that.

You also asked, “Any tips to help get his head straight?”

For that, my advice is, get him to a doctor that he can see regularly to help him cope with his PTSD until or after the baby is born. You can’t get his head straight. And from what I have seen, you are doing just fine handling things on your own right now.

You however, may want to work on getting your head straight. NOT saying there is something messed up with you, but merely suggesting that you turn your head away from your own pain and problems, and look directly at his and the truth that he is showing you. That truth is that he IS struggling with something, and that he DOES care enough about you to keep checking in on you, and that you KNOW he still “gives a damn”.

So give him a chance to give a damn, without judging him for his actions that are in all likelihood caused by his mental health struggles. You don’t need to and you shouldn’t be texting him all of the time to see how he is or ask whatever excuse you come up with. But you can give him a tremendous gift by giving him some space, and drawing close to him when he draws close to you the next time he texts you. He will realize at one point that this girl he is with right now is not the one that has stood by him through thick and thin.   I can assure you, he is not in love with a person that he took into his life one week after he broke up with the mother of his child.  And when he takes that bundle of joy into his arms for the first time, he will see you in an entirely different way. THIS I promise.

What do you do next?

The best relationship advice I can give you right now, Faith, is, hang in there. That’s why I changed your name to Faith. Every time you feel that baby kick, remember that he IS with you, more than it feels on those dark hours. Take care of YOU for the next two months, and by doing so, you will in some way be taking care of all three of you. Your child is the most important thing in your life right now, and the rest, from the sounds of it, will fall into place sooner than later.
We wish you the best of luck, and are eagerly waiting your update!!! Readers, drop some notes in the comments to wish our Faith well until we hear from her again!

How to Get Him Back When Your Man Has a Mental Health Diagnosis

Okay, I already know what most of you are thinking from the title of today’s post. Many of you with exes you are trying to get back, or even those you never want to see again, are certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that if he hasn’t come crawling back to you by now he must be a flat out crazy person.

What woman hasn’t thought that? Men do too, ever hear the term “psycho chick”?

I feel your pain, I too have had my share of men in my life who I have referred to as sociopathic, schizophrenic, or even bipolar, because they acted like two different people at multiple different times. It’s EASY to think someone is certifiably crazy when they say they love you one minute, but are out posting profiles to pick up other women the next. Truthfully, there’s nothing crazy in those kinds of behaviors, it just FEELS that way at the time. When something doesn’t make sense to us, we find it a little insane in our world. In fact, anything that veers from what you know to be normal seems crazy. There’s nothing wrong with a few incorrectly placed diagnoses during a heated breakup moment, we’ve all done it. I urge you to try and not do that toooo often, otherwise it won’t be the man that looks like the crazy person. Get it out of your system and move on girl, if he is acting bipolar you certainly don’t need that in your life.

But that’s not what I’m talking about today. What I am going to talk about today is the pain that comes with dating, being engaged to, or even being married to someone that has been given a certified diagnosis of a mental health issue.

Why would you want to talk about that, you say? Hardly anyone ever has to deal with THAT, you say?
Wrong. The truth is, mental health issues are on the rise, and you would be very surprised to learn just how much so. It is estimated that one in five people suffer from one of these hidden illnesses, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and the list is actually quite long. That means a lot of the people you know are suffering from these issues! That ALSO means, your chances of dating someone with a mental health problem is one in five. That’s right, scary number right?

Not really. The scariest thing about mental health issues is the unknown. When you don’t know what you are dealing with, you don’t know how to deal with it. It’s scary!

When you love someone that is dealing with this, it’s even harder. It’s more difficult, more scary, and more frustrating than the average relationship. If you are a woman that loves a man with a mental illness, then your chances of being in the position of having to figure out how to get him back increase as well, because their history of stable relationships is slim to none. Sound even scarier?

It doesn’t have to. We have a question from a reader on this very topic, and I am posting it today because I know there are millions of other women out there just like her that are confused, scared, and frustrated that the man they love is too sick to ever love them again.

Our friend Ashleigh has written in about her man who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Let’s have a look at the tough ride she has been on and see what we can do to help her out.

Me and my boyfriend have been in an on again off again relationship for about 3 years now. We’ve been through so much together, but he has a bad temper, bipolar and he’s slow so its very hard to deal with someone like that. He always thinks that I do him wrong and that I’m always against him, but that’s not the case! We argue all the time over little stuff. I try to talk to him down and calm him down before he starts getting upset, but instead he hangs up and get mad and doesn’t answer or return my calls.

He always does this especially when he know he’s wrong. His family really can’t put up with him because he talks down on everybody. Every time he messes up I always take him back, nobody will ever put up with his behavior except me. When we’re in public he acts like a little kid he’s(24). I do all I can for this man, and it seems like he doesn’t appreciate the things I do for him. Either he’s too dumb to realize or he just doesn’t know it yet.

Every time we argue we say mean things to each other but then I realize I was wrong and try to call him back, but he doesn’t answer. And when he does, he says I’m doing him wrong. So he went to stay with this girl, she kicked him out, called the police on him, and took all his money and left him lying there on the street. I fed him, took him back, washed his clothes, and since he had no where to stay I let him sneak in my parents house which I got into a lot of trouble for.

I brought him money and got him out of jail twice. He got drunk somewhere, passed out, I rushed to the hospital to see him twice nobody eles was there for him. After all that, I helped him get a side job. Now he’s saying to me that work is more important and that he doesn’t want to talk to me and that he doesn’t have time for me anymore. So he called the phone company and had them to turn my phone off.

He doesn’t realize that if it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t be where he’s at today. He needs to open his eyes and realize the things I do for him. When I call him, he ignores my phone call and tells me that I’m using him and taking advantage of him which is not true. Also, he tells me that he has a future with this girl that they are in love and all that stuff. Please help me give me some advice tell me what should I do.

Okay, well, this one is less tricky than it looks. I’ve highlighted some of the most important things in this letter. Before we break it down, let me just say “Ashleigh” that I am sorry you are going through this. It is very difficult to be with someone struggling with a seesaw of mental things going on inside. Even so, that doesn’t make your relationship any less normal than any of the rest of ours. What I am trying to say by that is, your prescription will be the same as everybody else’s which will make this process so much easier for you.

It is important to never forget there are two people in every relationship. That means, both parties need to take responsibility. It is not ONLY up to him to fix this, it is also up to you, if you want to really know how to get your ex boyfriend back, the RIGHT way.

You have a three year thing happening now, which is a good thing in the sense that you have a history to work with. Unfortunately it does not sound like a lot of that history has been good. You have taught him how to treat you by putting up with a lot of this, given the nature of his mental health. This is normal. When we have someone in our life that is mentally ill, we tend to give them a little more slack than we would the average person.

There’s nothing wrong with that. But this cycle becomes wrong when that’s all you do! If you are constantly giving, he is constantly going to be taking, and you wind up with all of the resentment you have here. What is he going to do? When you get bitter and resentful for not wanting to give anymore, he is going to move on and find someone that won’t be so bitter. Like the first girl who ended up calling the police on him when he took from her, and like this second girl who he claims he is in love with.

Given the history of relationships with most mentally ill people, I am going to put money on the fact that he won’t be with this new one any longer than he was with the last. It’s just the sorry cycle that he has to deal with unfortunately because of his mental health problems. What I mean by that is, he doesn’t know any better. And he won’t unless someone teaches him otherwise. And the woman that does, is going to be the one that keeps him.

That can be YOU, Ashleigh!

How are you going to do this? The same way every other woman here is trying to figure out how to get her boyfriend back. No contact zone, followed by some honest pure discussion. What I suggest to you is that you break up with him before you enter the No Contact Zone.

WHAT? Break up with someone you are trying to get back?

YES.

By doing so, you will teach him that you won’t be the giver 100% anymore. You teach him that you deserve better, which you do, and that if he wants you back, it will be on terms you can both agree with. You don’t need to be mean about it. All you need to do is write him a note, a text, or leave him a voicemail that sounds something like this:

“Hi honey, so glad to hear things are going well with you! You know how much I care about you and how much you mean to me. I’m so sorry that after all we have been through we really didn’t get the traction in our relationship that we both wanted, no matter how hard we tried. I hope after all this time we can be friends, because I want you to know that your well being and health means so much to me, and that I would do anything to help you. I only want your happiness because that’s how much I care for you. I’m sorry it worked out this way, maybe one day there will be hope for us after we have grown and healed. Thank you for everything that you have been in my life. If you ever need me, give me a call. Until then, I wish you all the best! Love, Ashleigh.”

When he sees or hears that, he will realize who the real woman in his life is. But once you do that, you HAVE to cut the ties in a NO CONTACT ZONE. He won’t call you or write you back right away, anyway. He will use some time to digest this, and try and process it. If he is with someone else, there is a chance that this letter or voicemail will begin to highlight to him what this other person is NOT. He will either very seriously consider coming back to you, or at the very least, begin initiating contact again.

For 30 days, you are not to answer him. You are to live your life and remind yourself how happy you are without this stress. Then, when you hear from him, you ask him to meet you for a coffee or a lunch and…take it from there.

How do I know this works? Well, I know it has worked for me, and I know it has worked for other ladies that have sought my same advice on this very topic. At this point, showing him you are a woman worth appreciating by letting him go for 30 days is a good move, because you have absolutely NOTHING to lose at this point. And, it shows him that you DO appreciate him as well!

Good luck, and drop us a note and let us know what happened!

What do you think readers? Have I missed anything? Pop your thoughts in the comments box if you have any other thoughts on how to get your boyfriend back!

How Do I Get My Ex-Boyfriend Back After a Hookup?

Thanks again to all of you that are writing in!  I love that you want my insight on how to make your relationships better! A lot of questions that come in area long the same lines, and I see a lot of questions covering that grey area of hookups, Friends With Benefits, those types of scenarios.  That is what we are going to talk about today.

A Reader Asks:  How do I get my ex boyfriend back after a hookup?

Before I address the reader’s question, many of you may already know where I stand on this issue.  Remember, my goal is to answer your questions on how to get my ex-boyfriend back, and how to make him more committed than ever before.  That is the key to a good and successful relationship.  Essentially, even in this day and age of casual sex, no strings attached, hookups, and friends with benefits, that’s what everybody wants.

When people go to these casual situations, what they are really doing is settling for what they can get right now, UNTIL a relationship develops.  But it is a very tricky line to cross between the casual and the committed, especially if sex is in the picture.  I do like things a little old school, you will hear me say that time and again. Why?  Because it works.  So as we go into Confuzzled’s question, remember one of my hard and fast rules to get your boyfriend back, no sex until monogamy has been addressed.  Here is what Confuzzled asked:

So I a few days ago my ex texted me basically saying he didnt know what he was thinking breaking up with me and asked if I would give him another chance but said he didnt want one.

As the convo went on we basically made plans to hangout thursday and just cuddle or w/e but he really wanted to hook up He didn’t talk to me at all the next day but then the next night after that he texted me saying “I can’t, I can’t talk to you. All I’m going to do is lead you on and hurt you. All I do is hurt people.” So he was in a really bad move but then we talked about it and got flirting and it sort of lead to us making plans to hook up and I even sent him a few pictures. But the next night (last night) he texted me saying hey I’m sorry I didnt text you today and we had a super short convo and all the sudden he said he doesn’t want to hook up, well he does, but he wont.

I asked why and he said he knows its fucked up but his friend texted him asking him to hook up that day and he said no, cause he didn’t like her for more than a friend. He also realized that “he hates hooking up with people he isn’t emotionally attracted to.” But he totally stopped texting me and I was heartbroken. He ignored me all day today even though we were supposed to hang. At this point I feel like i have a hole in my heart thats only filled when he’s talking to me weather we’re fighting, hookingup, or just having a normal convo, but I really need to be around/talking to him all the time.

When I do talk to him, I dont feel much but I feel really comfortable and whole. I don’t know what he means, or what I should do?

Sincerely, Confuzzled

For starters, congratulations Confuzzled on wanting to put an end to these mixed signals.  You are right to want what you want, and you are entitled to a committed relationship if that is what you want.

Now having said everything I said in my introduction to this email, what do you think my response is going to be?  You got it.

Stop having sex with him. 

Once again, I do not know how long you were together, or what the details of your breakup were, but you have given me enough information to tell me that the sex and the hookups are what is causing all of these mixed signals.  I will also say, congratulations to your man for figuring this out too!   He flat out told you, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

What does this tell me?  He DOES care about you.  He may be going through this period right now where he is engaging in casual sex to try and get over you, deal with his own pain, or anything along that lines.  We don’t know why he is doing that.  What we DO know is that even HE doesn’t like doing that.

To answer one of your questions, this is exactly why he stopped contacting you, and ignoring your texts.  Because he is afraid of hurting you even more.  Truth be told, it doesn’t sound like he is ready for an entirely committed thing yet.  It sounds like he needs to figure some stuff out.  But that’s a good thing.  Having a man in your life that knows he doesn’t want to hurt you is a good thing, even if you aren’t together right now.  It shows that he cares, and that is a foundation you can use.

So here is what you need to do Confuzzled if you want to get your exboyfriend back.  Stop having sex with him.  And let him know that but in the kind and gentle loving way that he knows you to have.  Thank him for being so honest with you, because that is a rare thing to have.  Tell him you are lucky to have someone in your life that is honest enough with you to know when it is time to take a break.  Then agree with him.  Agree that you both need a little bit of space right now, and take that break sticking tried and true to the No Contact Zone.

This is going to throw him off a bit, I warn you.  He cares about you and is used to hearing from you.  But you need to stick to this to meet your end goal, which is having him come back to you more committed than ever.  After the 30 day period in the No Contact Zone, contact him again, but ONLY IF he contacts you first.  Then tell him what you want.  He will do one of two things.  Accept your offer of a committed relationship with him, or not.

In any case, do not, and I repeat do NOT have sex with him UNLESS you and he have committed to a monogamous relationship.

Otherwise, 30 or 31 days from now you will be writing me with the exact same question and broken heart.

I don’t want that for you. 

I want you to contact me again in 30-60 days telling me how much in love with you he is all over again.

If you want to get your boyfriend back after a hookup, these are the steps you need to take.  You are strong and you can do it.  Touch base again and let us know how it goes!  How about you readers?  Got a similar question? Drop it in the inbox, or drop some comments here for Confuzzled and give her some tips on how to make this time so much easier for her. Good luck Confuzzled, we are all rooting for you!